Prodigal

I'm writing some of this from Vancouver! What a beautiful city! It looks just like Kansas!

If you think last week's recap was evil, wait until you meet its brother. Er, I mean...wait until you see the relations between that recap and this recap, which will be far more evil in the way it is written. Because...um...because...I'm writing it in RED TEXT! Yes...Red text! Eeeeeeevil! And it's BLINKING!

Fine. It's not evil at all. Happy now? Sigh.

We open on the set of The Young Big Trouble in Little China Chronicles. A comely Asian waitress comes down some stairs carrying drinks past a large Asian man in a leather jacket. He also happens to be carrying an Uzi. Cool exotic music is playing. It's a Chinese casino. There's roulette and poker. Where are all the slots? I wanna play Winning Streak! At a table where a hand of poker is being dealt, a young white guy with spikish blonde hair is looking at his cards. His opponent? A grizzled guy in a peppered beard who could have been the guy who sold Hoyt Axton his Mogwai in Gremlins. Wow, that cataract surgery did wonders for him. A big fake-gold-looking cat statue is nearby, and we peek inside its glass eye. There's a camera in there, monitoring the poker action.

In another room, an Asian dude is watching the game on a laptop screen and it's divvied up into four viewing angles. This guy must be very popular at frat houses. He's doing this in what appears to be an outdoor fruit market at night. Gremlins Man, in subtitles, says, "I see you and raise you two thousand" to the young blond guy. He puts some bills on the table. On the laptop screen, a camera zooms in to reveal that somebody's got two aces. Laptop Guy dials into a cell phone with that information. Back at the game, adventurous white guy looks down at his ancient numeric pager and it reads, "09." Ahhh. "09." White Guy sees the two grand and raises another fifteen hundred. High stakes! The big guy on the stairs hears something crash upstairs and goes to investigate. He finds Laptop Guy trying to pack up his things. He was in the room? Not exactly inconspicuous there, dude.

Leather Dude grabs Laptop Man and drags him downstairs just as the poker hands are about to be revealed. Gremlins Man has a pair of aces. Adventurous White Guy has three nines. I think the white boy won. Gremlins Man picks up a piece of seafood with chopsticks and says, "Very lucky tonight." He nibbles on the food. White Guy starts to take his winnings. But, what's this? Laptop Man is totally busted! "Who are you working with?" the fat man in leather demands. Laptop Man's eyes wander over to the smooth white boy with the fresh winnings. The lady dealer reaches for a gun strapped under the table. She points it at the white dude. He seems unfazed. He apologizes to his accomplice and flips over the table toward the dealer. He disarms another guy with a gun via spin kick and leaps down some stairs as the dealer and the fat man start firing their weapons. What show is this? I like it! White Dude tumbles down some stairs and lands into some boxes of fruit. Some poor businessman walks by just then, and the blond guy uses him as a human shield as gangsters upstairs fire. No exit wounds?

Our blond card sharp keeps running and makes it outside to a fire escape, where it's raining. He leaps onto the street level and finds a motorcycle. Down the alley he goes as they start to fire their guns. Everybody ducks. White boy goes down, his motorcycle sliding. More gunshots. As the white boy tries to crawl away, we hear a screech of tires. An even sexier bald man kneels down in the rain. "Come on!" he yells, and pulls the boy up. "Who the hell are you?" the white boy asks. "Lucas," Lex Luthor says, taking a dramatic pause over the door of his town car. "I'm your brother." Lex and Lucas Luthor scramble into the car as the gangsters run over. The car speeds away and rounds the corner. Man, what are the odds Lex was here to rescue him? No matter. I'm in love with Smallville's version of Chintatown.

Opening credits. A Radio Shack commercial with Howie Long and no shriveled-up Teri Hatcher? Pinch me, because I must be dreaming.

American flag. The Talon. We turn our view down toward the marquee, but a tree obscures it. I think it reads, "Cappuccino and Unnecessary Drama, 2 for 1!" Lana is putting tables on the floor from where they were resting on tabletops. Clark walks in. He says it's awfully peaceful that early in the morning. Lana says she never figured him to be a coffee junkie, but she's got some brewing if he wants a cup. Instead, he holds up a placard. It's a Talon "Help Wanted" sign. Lana is taken aback. "...Here?" she asks. Clark says that if he's gonna work, why not do it where his friends are hanging out? Too bad none of them is here. Maybe you should work out of the barn or Lex's office. That's where all the action seems to be. Lana tells Clark not to take this the wrong way, but Clark doesn't have the best track record keeping appointments. There's a right way to take that? Clark looks sad. Lana suggests that Clark talk to Hank at the hardware store. "Ouch!" Clark says. See, it's poignant because he can't usually feel physical pain! But emotionally...aw, screw this. I'm not making their point for them. Lana admits that was kind of harsh. Clark looks over and notices that the rose he gave Lana is in the trash. So this is the morning after the last episode? He asked for a job from her the morning after they just had an emotional throw-down? Lana notices Clark's sad look. She offers to put him in the running with the other candidates. Gee, thanks, Lana. Lana holds up a job application. More embarrassed Clark.

Papa Luthor in his silvery Metropolis office. He's talking on the phone about how he doesn't want to move an important meeting to accommodate a board member's fetish for antique clocks. Hee. Papa Luthor demands that the clock-glockin' fool come back from Prague, now. "Hello, Dad," we hear as Lex enters with his new brutha Lucas. Lucas is wearing a leather jacket and a white shirt. Because he's a rebel, see? Lex says he thought Papa Luthor might want to meet his youngest heir. "Lucas, this is your father," Lex says. "Mr. Luthor," says Lucas. Papa Luthor puts his arm on the boy's neck and embraces him closely. Lex gulps in sadness. Aw, poor you, Lex. "Son," Papa Luthor whispers. Lucas says that he is, at least biologically speaking. Papa Luthor smiles painfully. Lucas goes over to a sword on a stand and says they both have a passion for Asian weaponry. He says that, based on the placement of the dragon (on the handle, I'm assuming), it must have been worn on the right hip. Yeah, that's why you'd see Samurais with bleeding right hips all the time, dragging their bloody shredded legs around to battle. He pulls the sword from the scabbard and notes that it's a fake. Papa Luthor chuckles. He says that's a keen observation. Lex says it's especially keen from someone Papa Luthor said was dead. Papa Luthor pours himself a glass of water in a normal way, which becomes important later in the episode. Lex says he was surprised to learn that his brother was alive and well in Edge City. Lex says Papa Luthor knew Lucas was alive the whole time. Papa Luthor tells Lucas to go to the executive dining room, where the chef can make him anything he wants to eat. Lucas exits and playfully tells them not to talk behind his back. Tell you one thing about Lucas. He is too cool for school. Lex smiles. "So the prodigal son returns," he says. I would be happy if I never had to hear that clich ever again. Papa Luthor invokes the gospel in how Lex has welcomed Lucas with open arms. He asks what Lex stands to gain from this. Papa Luthor notes that Lucas just turned eighteen and is now entitled to an inheritance. Papa's living trust sets it up so any living heir gets 10% of Papa's LuthorCorp shares. "It's the vital 10% you need to vote me out of power," Papa Luthor says. Then he chuckles. He asks if that's why half his board isn't returning his calls. "Oh my word," Papa Luthor laughs, "you're staging a coup." Should Lex have shown his hand so quickly? Papa Luthor warns Lex that the Good Book has plenty of parables that he should heed. Uh. Huh. Papa Luthor uses a little hand-held device to have his secretary patch in his call.

Outside the Kent barn on an overcast day, Clark and Pete are shooting hoops. Pete asks if Clark could be any more obvious about his Lana Lust by trying to work at The Talon. Clark asks about Pete's Rule of Proximity. Clark says you have to get on the court to play the game. Pete counters that Lana will take out all her frustrations over Clark's flakiness out on him as his boss. "You're not gonna be on the court; you're gonna be in the locker room cleaning the toilets." For once, Pete has a point. Clark and Pete both sink some nice baskets. Clark says he's not gonna get the job anyway. Just then, Lex and Lucas pull up in a stunning gray convertible. Lex introduces his brother Lucas to the hoop dreamers. "'Sup guys," Lucas says, as a greeting. Pete asks if Lucas wants to shoot some hoops. He does. Pete and Lucas play while Clark and Lex talk. Clark says he thought Lucas was...you know, dead and stuff. Lex says he wasn't dead, and that he'd been looking for Lucas for the past few months. Clark asks why Lex didn't say so before. Lex makes a bullshit excuse about not knowing what he'd find out. His phone rings, and Lex looks at the display. He says he has to fix something with the bank. Clark asks if Lucas wants to stick around with the farm boys while Lex takes care of bidness. Lucas agrees.

"So, uh, you and Lex seem close," Lucas says as the three of them take turns shooting the basketball. Uh oh. He knows! "What, are you kidding? They're like brothers," Pete says, inappropriately. Pete sure has stashed away his hostility toward Lex. At Clark's questioning, Lucas says he grew up all over the place. He doesn't bemoan the fact that he didn't have a mom and dad. Lucas says that parents try to make you little versions of themselves. Without them, you can become your own person. Clark says that theory may be on sale, but he's not buying it. Lucas uses Lex and Clark as an example: if they were raised by each others' parents, Lucas says, "you'd be rich and miserable, and he'd be wearing flannel." Ha! This guy should be recapping. He asks Clark how he'd have turned out if he'd been abandoned by his parents. "Not sure," Clark says, tersely. Lucas asks if they're gonna chit-chat all day or play some ball. Play some ball, play some ball! All cocky, Lucas wants to see what Clark's got. Why doesn't he just ask Lex?

Basketball time. Clark asks Lucas to "check it up." Throbbing rock music plays as Clark takes his first shot...and misses. Lucas walks past Clark and gives him a shoulder. Ow. Clark gives Pete a look like, "Can you believe this shit I gotta put up with?" Lucas gets one past Clark and acts like he's hot shit. Lucas goes for another shot, and Clark leaps high to block it against the backboard. Clark, grinning and with his mouth open, dribbles. He jumps and does a windmill slam dunk over Lucas. Pete rolls his eyes. He smells danger. "Rocket man," Pete says, "we don't want anyone to get hurt." Clark takes the ball back. He rushes down the lane and Lucas tries to give him a sharp elbow. Instead, Lucas holds his elbow in pain. He winces. Lucas says no hard feelings and that it's just a game, right? Clark says yeah. He inhales loudly. Lucas says it feels like Clark has a steel plate in there or something. He asks for a ride back to the mansion.

"Hello, Lana!" Chloe says cheerfully as she comes into The Talon and greets her roomie. Lana asks if she wants an almond mocha with extra whip. Chloe asks for an extra shot of caffeine. She says she's in her post-lunch, pre-deadline coma. I hear ya, Chloe. Chloe finds Clark's job application. She wonders why Clark didn't put her as a reference. Lana says she's not gonna hire him anyway. She asks if it isn't weird for Chloe to be his supervisor at The Torch. On the contrary, Chloe says that bossing Clark around is the highlight of her day. Chloe says that Clark always comes through, even if it's in his own special Clark Time. Lana says that's what she's worried about. Chloe fingers her green earring and says that Clark could easily do the coffee job. Chloe says there's another reason Lana doesn't want him there. "I...I...uh..." Lana sputters, turning her head in about twelve different directions. I'm really beginning to think that a Lana Lang bobblehead figure would be redundant. "That's what I thought," Chloe says. And the scene ends with Lana smiling and pursing her lips, MamaKent-style.

House of Lexxin'. Lex bursts in to confront Papa Luthor about why his bank assets might be frozen. Papa Luthor says he's tired of Lex's constant mutiny. Lex says he didn't have many options. It was mutiny or walking the plank. Arrrrrr, matey! Papa Luthor -- who's wearing his favorite new toy, a phone earpiece -- says that Lex shouldn't have used all of his assets as collateral. Now that Lex's company is a LuthorCorp holding, all of Lex's stuff belong to Papa Luthor. Uh oh. Even Clark's heart? "I want you out of the mansion," Papa Luthor says. Lex panics a little and asks if this isn't just futile. Lex says that he and Lucas will be back home after they vote Papa Luthor out. Lex turns around, and there's Lucas telling him not to be so sure about that. Double crossa'! Papa Luthor says they had a father-son chat, and that some sons don't ever question their allegiance to the family. Lex smiles ruefully and tells Lucas that he's being naive if he thinks he can trust Papa Luthor. Lucas says that when you're at the table (the betting table, I think -- not, for instance, a dinner or massage table), you size up your options, and sometimes you have to change your strategy. Lucas has some serious caterpillar eyebrows going. "Well, Lex, looks like you lose," Papa Luthor says, with relish and with mustard.

Kent house. Clark is coming down the stairs and hears a knock at the door. They need a "Mooooo!" doorbell. Bo Duke is reading a magazine and MamaKent is checking out the paper. They didn't hear someone drive up? It's Lex. Clark asks if everything is all right. "No. It's not," Lex replies. Lex says that according to his dad, he's no longer a Luthor. Lex has been left with nothing -- not even a place to live. He could probably buy a condo in Smallville just with the clothes he's wearing. Lex asks if he can stay with the Kents for a while. A thousand fanfic writers go, "Hey, that was my idea!" Lex looks suitably embarrassed. Bo Duke's brain just blew a fuse.

Commercials. When you get nominated for an Oscar, are you still obligated to be in every other cell-phone commercial?

Kent Farm. The morning. Bo is looking out a window and there's an American flag reflected in it. A cow moo can be heard off in the distance. Outside, Lex is pushing a wheelbarrow while Bo watches. This is like Bo's wildest, craziest wet dream. He smiles. "You're up early. Even for you," MamaKent says as she walks into the kitchen. Bo says he couldn't sleep. She asks if that was because of their new houseguest. Well, sorta. Lex and Clark make all kinds of noise together out in that barn. It scares the cows. MamaKent says they can't turn their backs on Lex now. Bo says sagely that he has no intention of turning his back on Lex now. Ha, you see how that had a double meaning? Those clever Smallville writers! In any case, the back turning is Clark's job. Clark comes down the stairs and asks where Lex is. Drop the ruse, farmboy. Bo says that Lex got up at the crack of dawn and insisted on doing chores to earn his keep. "You got him mucking out the stalls already, huh?" Clark asks. Bo laughs. Clark says that Bo is really enjoying this. All kidding aside (get your platitude shields up and ready, Sulu!), Bo reminds Clark that Lex investigated him for a year. He also asks Clark to remember what's in the storm cellar. Clark says that he trusts Lex. "I don't want him left alone on this farm," Bo says sternly.

Lex and a pitchfork in the barn. This show just went from a cool breeze to a smoldering volcano. Lex is pitching some hay into the wheelbarrow. He's still way too well-dressed for a farmer. Clark comes in and says he was going to give Lex some advice, but it looks like the former billionaire has it under control. Lex says that his family used to have a farm in Montana. He'd go there in the summer with his mom. Lex says they would work alongside the ranch hands and everyone did his fair share. He says it was the only time he felt normal. Clark asks if Lex ever goes back. Turns out the property was sold after Lex's mom died. Lex says his dad was never really a man of the people. Clark offers some help with a hay bale, but Lex says he wants to prove to Bo once and for all that some Luthors pull their own weight. Lex -- sweaty, breathless and with his tongue hanging out a bit -- smiles at Clark. Clark smiles back, tight-lipped, and the moment is so electric that if it was harnessed, it could light up Las Vegas for a month. It's a two-way, mega-kilowatt Gayest Look of the Episode.

Luthor mansion. Inside, Lucas is playing some hack-and-slash dungeon game on a huge, flat-panel, widescreen TV. I nearly short out my laptop with all this consumer electronics covetous drool. Papa Luthor enters the room. The game music is really loud. "We've got to talk," Papa Luthor says, and clumsily bumps into a corner of the TV set. Papa Luthor, holding a contract, complains that Lucas hasn't signed over his LuthorCorp shares yet. Lucas keeps playing and says nothing. Papa Luthor asks him to turn that dad-gum racket off. Lucas examines the situation. He says he tricked Lex and went along with Papa Luthor's plan and is going to be offered $10 million to walk away. Papa Luthor chuckles and says it's a little more lucrative than Lucas's card scams. Lucas says that the deal sounded really good until he found out what a Luthor is worth these days. He pulls a purple folder off a desk and says he went through the company financials and figured he's worth five times what he's being paid, and that's only taking into account what Papa Luthor reports to the IRS. "Don't be getting delusions of grandeur, m'boy," Papa Luthor purrs. Lucas asks why Papa Luthor didn't try to find him before he was twelve. That throws Papa for a loop, but he gets back on track quickly. "Because your mother lied to me," he lies. He says he was told Lucas died as a baby. "But I'm still not worth your time," Lucas says. It doesn't come across as self-pitying the way it does when Lex tells these stories. Papa Luthor says that he took care of Lucas the best way he knew how. Lucas says that's at arm's length, with a checkbook.

Lucas shoots a racked set of balls on the pool table. Papa Luthor lays the contract on the table and says it's time for Lucas to live up to their agreement. He says "please" a few times. Lucas signs the words, "BITE ME." Papa Luthor twitches. "You might want to, uh, have your lawyers look over that," Lucas says, to the seemingly blind man. Papa Luthor, unable to hide his disappointment, says he trusts everything is in order. As Papa Luthor exits, Lucas picks up the 8 ball from the pool table and calls out, "Dad." He flings the 8 ball hard at Papa Luthor's magnificent mane. Papa Luthor screams and ducks. The ball smashes through some red stained glass. Faker! Papa Luthor says he could have been killed. Lucas calls that bluff. He says when a blind man pours a drink, he keeps his finger on the inside of the glass to see when it's full. Lucas says that just now, Papa Luthor couldn't hide his reaction to the lack of a signature. Why didn't Lex figure all this out ages ago? Lucas takes his father's sunglasses off the man's face. Papa Luthor focuses his eyes hatefully on his son. Papa Luthor asks what he wants. "Lex is the past. I am the future," Lucas says cryptically.

Talon. Clark walks in and says he got a message from Lana. Lana says she wanted Clark to know she filled her part-time position. All disappointed, Clark says, "Great." Lana congratulates Clark on getting the job. He asks what changed her mind. She says it was a glowing recommendation from the editor of The Torch. Clark asks if Lana is sure. She says no, but she remembers that Lex took a chance on her when she opened the place. She says we all need someone to take a chance on us. Especially if we're in ABBA. Lana asks when Clark can start. "Don't you think you should check with the boss first?" asks a certain cocky, bushy-eyebrowed upstart as he comes in out of nowhere. Clark introduces Lucas to Lana. Lana says she didn't know Lex had a brother. Lucas says he wasn't exactly on Lex's Christmas-card list. Lucas says he likes the whole "Egyptian-slash-Assyrian vibe." You're the ASSyrian. Lucas says that Lana must have put a lot of work into The Talon. She says that she and Lex both did. Lucas says that Lex isn't exactly in the picture anymore. He's been Photoshopped out. Clark fills Lana in on Lex's homeless situation. Lucas asks how Lex is doing down on the farm. This is where Clark is supposed to punch him into year's midseason line-up. Clark says that Lex is a survivor. He'll never give up. He's not gonna stop. He's gonna work harder. Lucas says he hopes so, because anything Lex had is now his. Including The Talon. Lana says that Lex wasn't her boss, he was her partner. "Mm. Even better," Lucas says. And you, Clark? What kind of partner were you to Lex? Clark and Lana really don't like this guy.

School. Oh yeah, I forgot they still go to high school. So did they, apparently. Torch. Clark holds up a cup of coffee and a pastry to Chloe. He delivered it as thanks for her recommendation to Lana. Clark mentions the personnel changes at The Talon. Chloe is way ahead of him on the Lucas Luthor tip. She says that the story of the prodigal son taking over the castle could land someone a byline on the front page of The Daily Planet. Sadly, she's right. Clark doesn't trust Lucas and thinks he's hiding something. Oh, ya think? Chloe says he's had a tough life. Clark asks if she found anything weird in his past. "Just the source," Chloe says. She hands Clark a piece of paper.

In the Barnness of Gay Roommateitude, Lex holds the same paper. "Metropolis United Charities," Lex reads. Clark says that prior to two weeks ago, Lucas's file didn't exist. How would he know unless he had checked before and after that? Lex says it's like somebody wanted him to be found. And the detectives Lex hired didn't tell him where they got their information. More basketball! Now! This is getting boring! Lex thinks his dad was hiding Lucas all along. The whole finding-Lucas thing was a set-up for Lex to lose everything to Papa Luthor. Sneaky! Lex says that while he's been playing checkers, his dad's been playing chess. And Lucas was playing Chinese poker! It all makes sense now!

Former house of Lex. Lucas is doing pull-ups and he's shirtless. I'm told he has a nice chest. I wouldn't know. Lex walks in, and there's that gorgeous TV, some huge speakers. This place is stylin'. Lex shimmies in to some thumping music, and says he loves what Lucas has done to the place with his latest scam. Lucas catches a towel thrown by Lex and says that unlike the bald guy, he doesn't live in the shadow of his father. Lex admits that Papa Luthor and Lucas played him brilliantly. Lucas admits that Papa Luthor found him three weeks before and wanted to use him for a corporate raid. "Let's face it, Lex," Lucas says. "I'm the son he wants." Lex, smiling, says that Lucas is showing his hand. He asks what Lucas is really after: "His affection?" They both laugh. Lex warns that Papa Luthor isn't going to start loving this new son. "You don't know him at all," Lex says. Lucas, losing a bit of cool, tells Lex to get out. Lex warns that even high-school kids were able to track Lucas down. "You mean your friend Clark Kent?" Lucas asks. All kinds of loaded information in that question. Lex says he bets a lot of people are looking for Lucas. Like some Edge City people. Lucas asks if that's a threat. "You know, the Luthor gene pool is a shark tank and our father's just chummed the waters," Lex says. Wow. Really good line, right there. Lex wishes Lucas luck and leaves. Lexually.