Skinwalker

So this is Thanksgiving, then? A story about Native Americans and werewolves and yet another girl falling for Clark? One thing's for sure: on Tuesday night I already saw enough turkey to last me the whole week.

We start on a very dirty construction site where it looks like ground is being broken. A sign shows a few big office buildings and an offer to rent prime space in this corporate plaza. Hey, fiber-optic internet! Sign me up! The sign has the telltale Luthorcorp insignia. As employees leave for the day, a skinny guy stands at a wire fence and tells folks goodnight and that they did a good job. That and another $20 will help them pay for their kids' karate lessons that month. He turns around, and a big logo on his brown jacket says "Construx Industries." I hear they're owned by "Fiction-Ale Beverages," a subsidiary of "Made-Up Schitt Ltd." This guy looks pretty doomed to me. He turns around, and standing in front of him is a Noble Native American Elder. He is just like every Noble Native American Elder you've seen in any movie or TV show. Skinny Foreman tells the NNAE that he's trespassing. The Elder asks how he can be trespassing on land his ancestors have owned for thousands of years. Oh, here we go. Look, I know how you feel, guy, but I don't run around Texas telling people to vacate their houses because Davy Crockett and his kin stole shit from my forefathers, do I? I mean, not anymore, I don't. "Out of my way, Chief. I've got a job to get done," Skinny tells the man. Elder grabs the foreman by the lapels and warns him that he doesn't understand the consequences of what he's doing. Silly white man. Skinny asks if he's being threatened. "How can I be threatening you? I'm just an old man." How can all his dialogue consist of questions? Skinny tells the Elder that if he has a problem, to take it up with the big guy. But Frank Sinatra is dead! Elder leaves. Skinny locks the cheap fence.

Later, at night...I have no idea why Skinny has to work a night shift alone, but he emerges from a trailer to put gas into some equipment. Being a foreman is a lot of work. You have to do the work of fore men. Skinny hears some rustling in some nearby bushes, which of course should have been cleared but are still within the construction zone. The workers like foliage nearby because it's pretty. Panicked, Skinny runs to his truck, and inside a plastic case is a gun. He loads some big shell into the gun, and as he does so, we switch to Wolf-o-Vision, which is a lot like Lana's psychic vision from the "Obscura" episode, only hairier. The wolf, of course, attacks Skinny, because Skinny is a Bad White Man. In the struggle, Skinny shoots his gun, which launches a red flare into the sky. We cut to gasoline pouring out of the truck from the nozzle. Even the wolf can figure out what's gonna happen . The flare returns back to earth, and it's Crispy Foreman Time! It sets off like five explosions in a row. The wolf watches the explosions, then walks off-screen, content that he still has acting gigs after Wolf Lake was cancelled. We hear a howl from off to the left. Damn wily ventriloquist wolf!

I've invited noted werewolfologist and werewolf Udo von Fecund to give a little insight into the werewolf psyche:

Omar: So, you're a werewolf then?
Udo von Fecund: Rrrrroooowwwrr.
Omar: Right. So, werewolves and construction sites. Stupid plot point, or merely dumb writing?
Udo von Fecund: Grrrrrrooowwwrr. Rrar. Rrar! Awwwoooooorrrr!
Omar: Fascinating.

Opening credits. Commercials. Morgan Fairchild's voice scares me.

Man, these commercials are taking forever. Now it's two annoying Gen Yers dirt-biking across Canada. Whoa, wait a minute. Clark? Pete? The fuck? Pete and Clark all of a sudden learned how to motocross and do jumps and the whole bit. Firstly, um, no. Secondly, please see the firstly. Thirdly, where did Clark get money for a motocross bike? I thought his family's farm was on the verge of insolvency. And furthermore, where did he get that cell phone last week? Did he keep some of the goods he purchased with his credit card from the "Red" episode? Fine, let's ignore this annoyance and move on. Oh, wait -- we can't. There's about another five hours of Pete and Clark's facial close-ups as they pretend they actually know how to ride those things. And you know what? The slow motion only makes it last that...much...longer. Pete and Clark stop at the construction site. Pete asks why the police are on the site. Clark says there was some kind of explosion the night before. Good thing they had their trusty dirt bikes to scope out the scene. And what about Chloe? She can't get all extreme and gnarly, too? Pete hopes the police trouble means that Luthorcorp will get the hell out of town. Clark says it's an office park, not a toxic waste dump, and what's the harm in that? Clark offers to race Pete. They rev out of there. More riding. More jumping. Clark suddenly hits a log and tumbles headfirst into the air. He falls right on an unstable piece of ground, and falls through the earth into a tunnel below. Yes, of course. Happens all the time.

Clark falls down a very large distance. You know what? The episode just started and I already need a break. Be right back...ah, I'm back. Much better now. Clark is in a cave. A very well lit, moody cave. Somebody just happens to be there already with a flashlight. Hey, Lara Croft! Where are her twin pistols? (And no, I'm not talking about her breasts.) The girl, with her hair pulled back and carrying a backpack, comes up to Clark. "Lana?" he asks. The girl, wearing some choker jewelry around her neck, gets right down to business. She tells Clark not to move. Clark says he's fine, but "I Wrap-ya Ho" insists that he's in shock from falling a hundred feet, and immediately rips open his shirt. "You don't have a scratch on you," she says. Clark says he's lucky. She says Clark has incredible luck. Oh, jeez. She gives worse line readings than Lana. Clark sits up and asks where she came from. Her mother's womb, Clark. Where did you come from? The Native American girl says she was doing research for her father "over there." She points vaguely down the caves. She says the landslide must have opened up the wall. Wall? What wall? I don't see any debris from that. Clark didn't know there were caves down there. She says if Luthorcorp has its way, there won't be any more. She's Kyla, but you can call her Line Reads Like Buffalo. Clark introduces himself. "The invincible Clark Kent, apparently," Line Reads tells him. I don't think it was the landslide that tore down that wall. It was a shower of anvils.

We see Pete looking over the side of the hole above. "Clark? You down there?" Pete asks. Clark says he's fine. Pete asks if he needs help or if he can jump his way out. Clark says Pete's a funny guy, and tells Pete he has company. Why didn't Clark just hang a necktie over the gaping hole in the ground to warn Pete off? Line Reads looks Clark up and down saucily. I think she may be a Nava Ho. She suddenly notices something. "Oh my God," she says. Don't you mean "Creator"? She notices some cave paintings that look like they were drawn by a precocious five-year-old with sidewalk chalk. She says this story was passed down for generations. The one about dirt bikers and the comely girl who comes to seduce one of them? She says the story was written into the Earth long ago, but nobody knew where it was. Well, what do you know? It was about ten feet from where you were already doing your research project. "Thank you," she says to Clark in her zombie tone. She says her grandfather has been searching for this wall his whole life. He should have gone motocrossing with Pete and Clark. She says that according to the wall, "Numan" would fall from the sky in a rain of fire and have the strength of ten men. Wait, you mean "Numan" from Seinfeld? Hello, Numan. She says Numan would be able to start fires from his eyes. She shines her flashlight on a cave drawing of a blue robot-looking dude throwing a starfish-looking red flame at a spiral. She says it probably sounds silly. "Not to me," Clark says. In fact, Numan is gonna go tell Kramer about it and they'll go have a wacky adventure. She says she's gonna tell her grandpa about this. She invites Clark to join her. Clark is amazed and giddy. He makes a Mentos commercial face. On his way to following her, he notices a spiral on the wall. It looks like a small octagon has been carved into it. The same-sized octagon as the one from Clark's ship. Native American mystical music plays.

We fade from that octagon to the one on Clark's real ship. Bo Duke has to ruin the moment. "It's an octagon. It's a very common shape," he tells Clark. Stupid white man. Clark says what about the story. How many people fall from the sky and shoot fire from their eyes? Clark is already sounding like the tribal elder. Bo says he understands Clark's thirst for knowledge about his roots, but the drawings could have a hundred different interpretations. Um, I think Kyla Ho narrowed it down considerably. Clark pulls out a piece of metal. He says it's a piece of the ship Bo pulled from the ship before it closed. When the fuck was that? Clark says the tiny symbols on it are the same as the ones in the cave. Sorry. Still not seeing it. Maybe I need a big plasma TV set to really get what he's on about. Clark says that maybe Kyla Ho's granddad can read it. Bo tells Clark to be careful what he tells "those people." Stupid white man. Bo says they don't know anything about Kyla's people, except the whole Thanksgiving thing. Clark says that's why he invited them over for dinner. And enrolled Bo in sensitivity training.

Multicultural dinner table. Elder Dude is telling the story about how, according to their legend, a man came from the stars and fell in love with the mother of their people. Out of that forbidden affair, the Cowachi people were born. At the mention of "Cowachi," Bo suddenly believes everything and decides he must worship his own son. "My life, my career, my coffee mug...it all makes sense now," Bo thinks. Clark asks if they know what star Numan came from. Kyla Ho gives Clark the googly eyes. She's hella cute, I'll give her that. Elder Dude says the man who couldn't keep it in his superpants flew back into the sky one day, promising to send another one day. "That would be this 'Numan' person you've been talking about, right?" Bo asks. Stupid white man. MamaKent goes to do some kitchen stuff. Kyla stares at Clark, biting her lip. Man, she's hornier than Christina Aguilera. Clark smiles bashfully. "You're not from around here, are you, Clark?" Elder Dude asks. Bo and MamaKent exchange a look. She says Clark is adopted. Clark says the symbols seem to make up an alphabet. Kyla Ho says that's the weird part. Elder Dude says his people don't have a written language, but he's seen a symbol here and there on artifacts. Their ancient atomic microwave oven, for instance. Kyla Ho says that given time, Elder Dude can probably figure out what the symbols are. That is, if Luthor doesn't get at them first. Can't he just transcribe them or take pictures of the cave wall or something? Clark says maybe MamaKent can talk to Papa Luthor. She's totally been put on the spot. "Mom's his executive assistant," Clark boasts. She says it won't be easy, and that the situation isn't so black-and-white. The office complex will create a thousand desperately needed jobs. "And you think that's more important than these caves?" Clark asks. Um, yeah, Clark. It is. Speaking of which, shouldn't you be thinking of getting a damn job to help support the farm instead of spending cash on dirt bike fuel? Ass. Awkward silence. "So, um," Bo says, "would anyone like coffee with their pie?" Sometimes Bo reminds me of Jimmy Neutron's dad.

The Barnness Of Gettin' It On-itude. Clark is showing off his big, phallic telescope. He asks if Kyla Ho wants a, heh heh, look. She says she'd rather see it with her own eyes. Yowza. She's wearing some pretty elaborate neck jewelry. Clark asks about the legends. He wonders if they're not just myths like Venus and Apollo. "Just because something's a myth doesn't mean it's not true," she says. That is about the dumbest line ever uttered on this show, and believe me, there was lots of competition for that title. She takes Clark's hand and points it toward the stars. They're standing really really close. She points toward a very bright star and says the surrounding stars make the shape of a wolf's head. She says that one of the eyes is missing. Kyla Ho says her ancestors believe there used to be a star there. She's touching Clark's hands sensuously. If she's not careful, Clark's gonna get excited and accidentally poke her, knocking her out of the barn window. She says that burned-out star is where Numan came from. So it's an interstellar post office, then? All right, Krypton, got it. Clark wonders what happened to it. "You tell me," she tells Clark, "you're the one that fell from the sky." They look into each other's eyes, about to kiss. Lana is suddenly standing right there, wearing her pink parka over a pink shirt with her pink make-up and vaguely pink stare. Clark notices her. She says Clark's message sounded urgent, so she came over. Clark probably subconsciously orchestrated this whole little scene. Talk about manipulative! Lana's smiling the whole time like this is the greatest thing she's ever seen. Clark introduces the girls to each other. Lana says she hasn't seen her before. "I go to Grandville," she says. It's lucky she didn't end up at "Mid-Mediocreville High." Kyla Ho says she's doing research for her grandfather and rescuing any guys who happen to fall into her life. She's had eight Numans this year alone. Lana asks how they met. Clark tells Lana about the caves. But not about the legend thing. Kyla Ho gives Lana a short, but disparaging, look. Clark says he called Lana to find out if she could get her possibly biological dad Henry Small to help protect the caves, being that he's a granola-eating, Birkenstock-wearing tree hugger and all. Kyla Ho says they're the only link to the past. Lana resists a bit, but says she'll ask. "Thank you, Lana," Kyla Ho says, all condescending. "Now go read your Seventeen magazine and leave us horny teenagers down to the business of propagating the mythical species." Clark smiles. He's never had it so good.

Stately Luthor Manor. There's a weird smiling mask thing on the wall. And there's a weird, grimacing, magnificent thing on the treadmill. It's Papa Luthor, and he's sweating up a storm. I have to check the color on TV to make sure he's actually that red. He tells Sheriff Ethan thanks for letting him know about Elder Dude. We pan back to reveal not only Ethan standing nearby wearing what he always wears and eying Papa Luthor in a most unsavory way, but also that Papa Luthor has little hand weights on his wrists. Ethan (Ethan!) leaves, saying hi to MamaKent as she walks in, asking why the police are still involved. Papa Luthor says the police aren't ready to rule the fire at the construction site an accident. He says Elder Dude has a record of civil disobedience. One time, he took too many napkins at McDonald's. MamaKent asks if it might be sabotage. Listen, yo, yo, it is sabotage! Papa Luthor wonders if he should have built his office plaza in Grandville. All right, I'm already sick of hearing about Grandville. MamaKent says her town needs the jobs. She helps Papa Luthor off the treadmill. He's quite the sweaty, lion-esque man. MamaKent says she sent flowers to the foreman's family. And a turkey, because they're probably also malnourished. She also arranged a "condolence call" for Papa Luthor. He says he doesn't want to be perceived as uncaring. MamaKent says she only did it because it's the right thing to do. She also booked an oatmeal-eating appointment. Papa Luthor says there are times when he's around MamaKent that he feels like he's talking to his wife. She doesn't look disgusted by the idea. "She was a lot like you," Papa Luthor says. He says they had unflinching honesty in common. "I miss that," he says. MamaKent looks touched. "Hope I'm not interrupting," Lex says, standing by the door. MamaKent stands and greets Lex. Papa Luthor remembers to hire a hit man to kill his son. Papa Luthor says it's always good to hear his son's voice. He takes a sip of some Ty Nant. Lex half-smiles as MamaKent collects her things to leave. Papa Luthor puts a towel over one shoulder and commends Lex on his hard work with the employee buyout of the Smallville plant. Didn't that happen at the end of last season? "Look at you," Papa Luthor says, walking to his son. He is so faking. He puts a hand on Lex's shoulder and says that Lex is building an empire on his own. He rubs Lex's shoulder with his thumb (ew) and says that their differences shouldn't keep them from working together when it's smart. Lex says he doesn't want to be an investor in the office park. Papa Luthor offers him a partnership in the project. He blames it on sentimentality. Lex counters that sentimentality is a sign of vulnerability. And dialogue desperation. Lex says Papa Luthor's on his own.

Construction site. Dirt is being moved around. Underneath, however, are caves. I keep expecting to see alien ships and skeletons when they pan down below ground like they always do on The Simpsons. Clark and Kyla Ho are examining the cave drawings. Kyla Ho is in full Lara Croft garb. Clark just stands below and shines a flashlight as she stands on an upper rock level. Clark asks what the drawing says. She says that one day Numan will protect the entire world. She can't read those drawings by herself! There's a sudden rumbling. Clark says it might not be safe in the cave. Kyla Ho invites Clark up to see something. Kyla Ho shows him Ziget, who is like a brother to Numan. Got all that? Ziget looks like a red dinosaur head with the body of a snake. Kyla Ho says Ziget will one day turn against Numan, and they'll be the balance between good, evil, and cheese. Cheese, of course, will win the final battle. Kyla Ho takes a photo. Clark sees a drawing of a woman. "Who's that?" Clark asks. Kyla Ho, standing right to it, says it's the woman he's destined to be with. A drawing just below the picture of the woman looks just like a bracelet Kyla Ho is wearing. She says it was handed down through the women in her family. Rumbling. Rocks start to fall. Kyla Ho loses her footing and falls. Clark superzips down a level and catches her before she lands. A huge slab of rock falls. Clark looks up at it, lays Kyla Ho down, and hovers over her, letting the rock break on his back. It shatters in CGI. Clark is now lying on top of Kyla Ho, two inches from her mouth. She's not complaining. She only nods. As they get up, she asks how Clark did that. "Just adrenaline, I guess," Clark says. Adrenaline and alien birthing. She asks if Clark shoots fire out of his eyes, too. Clark doesn't answer. "Oh, my God," she says, annoying me again. She says she was just joking. "You really are Numan," she says. Clark doesn't know what he is, he says. He notices that she's not very freaked out. Kyla Ho says she knows what it's like to be different. Like being the one actress who tried out for the part who'd never had any training. She puts her hands on his shoulders and says it's all right. She says she's had feelings for Clark the last few days. She says Clark tries to use logic and reason to explain things, but he should just give in. Clark thinks about running away and into Lex's arms at that moment, but figures it'd just be easier for now to stay here and kiss her. So he does. And it's not a bad kiss, either.

Commercials. Lex's little promo shows up right before them, as if he's looking on, all jealous.

Lana and Henry Small at The Talon. He's got a Michael Gross thing going on there. Norah Jones is playing in the background, and for once I thank my lucky stars over the music on this show. Lana thanks Non-Flattened Dad for helping the Native American cause. He breaks some news: he got the DNA test back. "It looks like we share the same DNA," he says. Don't all humans share DNA on some level? "So you really are..." Lana says, after breathing dramatically. Lana says he's her father. He says he hasn't earned that place in her life yet, but wants to. time on Faerie Tale Theater: Monkeys that can fly! Lana is all smiles.