She-dogs and cave dwellers

S02E10

By Omar G

So this is Thanksgiving, then? A story about Native Americans and werewolves and yet another girl falling for Clark? One thing's for sure: on Tuesday night I already saw enough turkey to last me the whole week.

We start on a very dirty construction site where it looks like ground is being broken. A sign shows a few big office buildings and an offer to rent prime space in this corporate plaza. Hey, fiber-optic internet! Sign me up! The sign has the telltale Luthorcorp insignia. As employees leave for the day, a skinny guy stands at a wire fence and tells folks goodnight and that they did a good job. That and another $20 will help them pay for their kids' karate lessons that month. He turns around, and a big logo on his brown jacket says "Construx Industries." I hear they're owned by "Fiction-Ale Beverages," a subsidiary of "Made-Up Schitt Ltd." This guy looks pretty doomed to me. He turns around, and standing in front of him is a Noble Native American Elder. He is just like every Noble Native American Elder you've seen in any movie or TV show. Skinny Foreman tells the NNAE that he's trespassing. The Elder asks how he can be trespassing on land his ancestors have owned for thousands of years. Oh, here we go. Look, I know how you feel, guy, but I don't run around Texas telling people to vacate their houses because Davy Crockett and his kin stole shit from my forefathers, do I? I mean, not anymore, I don't. "Out of my way, Chief. I've got a job to get done," Skinny tells the man. Elder grabs the foreman by the lapels and warns him that he doesn't understand the consequences of what he's doing. Silly white man. Skinny asks if he's being threatened. "How can I be threatening you? I'm just an old man." How can all his dialogue consist of questions? Skinny tells the Elder that if he has a problem, to take it up with the big guy. But Frank Sinatra is dead! Elder leaves. Skinny locks the cheap fence.

Later, at night...I have no idea why Skinny has to work a night shift alone, but he emerges from a trailer to put gas into some equipment. Being a foreman is a lot of work. You have to do the work of fore men. Skinny hears some rustling in some nearby bushes, which of course should have been cleared but are still within the construction zone. The workers like foliage nearby because it's pretty. Panicked, Skinny runs to his truck, and inside a plastic case is a gun. He loads some big shell into the gun, and as he does so, we switch to Wolf-o-Vision, which is a lot like Lana's psychic vision from the "Obscura" episode, only hairier. The wolf, of course, attacks Skinny, because Skinny is a Bad White Man. In the struggle, Skinny shoots his gun, which launches a red flare into the sky. We cut to gasoline pouring out of the truck from the nozzle. Even the wolf can figure out what's gonna happen . The flare returns back to earth, and it's Crispy Foreman Time! It sets off like five explosions in a row. The wolf watches the explosions, then walks off-screen, content that he still has acting gigs after Wolf Lake was cancelled. We hear a howl from off to the left. Damn wily ventriloquist wolf!

Omar: So, you're a werewolf then?
Udo von Fecund: Rrrrroooowwwrr.
Omar: Right. So, werewolves and construction sites. Stupid plot point, or merely dumb writing?
Udo von Fecund: Grrrrrrooowwwrr. Rrar. Rrar! Awwwoooooorrrr!
Omar: Fascinating.

Opening credits. Commercials. Morgan Fairchild's voice scares me.

Man, these commercials are taking forever. Now it's two annoying Gen Yers dirt-biking across Canada. Whoa, wait a minute. Clark? Pete? The fuck? Pete and Clark all of a sudden learned how to motocross and do jumps and the whole bit. Firstly, um, no. Secondly, please see the firstly. Thirdly, where did Clark get money for a motocross bike? I thought his family's farm was on the verge of insolvency. And furthermore, where did he get that cell phone last week? Did he keep some of the goods he purchased with his credit card from the "Red" episode? Fine, let's ignore this annoyance and move on. Oh, wait -- we can't. There's about another five hours of Pete and Clark's facial close-ups as they pretend they actually know how to ride those things. And you know what? The slow motion only makes it last that...much...longer. Pete and Clark stop at the construction site. Pete asks why the police are on the site. Clark says there was some kind of explosion the night before. Good thing they had their trusty dirt bikes to scope out the scene. And what about Chloe? She can't get all extreme and gnarly, too? Pete hopes the police trouble means that Luthorcorp will get the hell out of town. Clark says it's an office park, not a toxic waste dump, and what's the harm in that? Clark offers to race Pete. They rev out of there. More riding. More jumping. Clark suddenly hits a log and tumbles headfirst into the air. He falls right on an unstable piece of ground, and falls through the earth into a tunnel below. Yes, of course. Happens all the time.

Clark falls down a very large distance. You know what? The episode just started and I already need a break. Be right back...ah, I'm back. Much better now. Clark is in a cave. A very well lit, moody cave. Somebody just happens to be there already with a flashlight. Hey, Lara Croft! Where are her twin pistols? (And no, I'm not talking about her breasts.) The girl, with her hair pulled back and carrying a backpack, comes up to Clark. "Lana?" he asks. The girl, wearing some choker jewelry around her neck, gets right down to business. She tells Clark not to move. Clark says he's fine, but "I Wrap-ya Ho" insists that he's in shock from falling a hundred feet, and immediately rips open his shirt. "You don't have a scratch on you," she says. Clark says he's lucky. She says Clark has incredible luck. Oh, jeez. She gives worse line readings than Lana. Clark sits up and asks where she came from. Her mother's womb, Clark. Where did you come from? The Native American girl says she was doing research for her father "over there." She points vaguely down the caves. She says the landslide must have opened up the wall. Wall? What wall? I don't see any debris from that. Clark didn't know there were caves down there. She says if Luthorcorp has its way, there won't be any more. She's Kyla, but you can call her Line Reads Like Buffalo. Clark introduces himself. "The invincible Clark Kent, apparently," Line Reads tells him. I don't think it was the landslide that tore down that wall. It was a shower of anvils.

We see Pete looking over the side of the hole above. "Clark? You down there?" Pete asks. Clark says he's fine. Pete asks if he needs help or if he can jump his way out. Clark says Pete's a funny guy, and tells Pete he has company. Why didn't Clark just hang a necktie over the gaping hole in the ground to warn Pete off? Line Reads looks Clark up and down saucily. I think she may be a Nava Ho. She suddenly notices something. "Oh my God," she says. Don't you mean "Creator"? She notices some cave paintings that look like they were drawn by a precocious five-year-old with sidewalk chalk. She says this story was passed down for generations. The one about dirt bikers and the comely girl who comes to seduce one of them? She says the story was written into the Earth long ago, but nobody knew where it was. Well, what do you know? It was about ten feet from where you were already doing your research project. "Thank you," she says to Clark in her zombie tone. She says her grandfather has been searching for this wall his whole life. He should have gone motocrossing with Pete and Clark. She says that according to the wall, "Numan" would fall from the sky in a rain of fire and have the strength of ten men. Wait, you mean "Numan" from Seinfeld? Hello, Numan. She says Numan would be able to start fires from his eyes. She shines her flashlight on a cave drawing of a blue robot-looking dude throwing a starfish-looking red flame at a spiral. She says it probably sounds silly. "Not to me," Clark says. In fact, Numan is gonna go tell Kramer about it and they'll go have a wacky adventure. She says she's gonna tell her grandpa about this. She invites Clark to join her. Clark is amazed and giddy. He makes a Mentos commercial face. On his way to following her, he notices a spiral on the wall. It looks like a small octagon has been carved into it. The same-sized octagon as the one from Clark's ship. Native American mystical music plays.

We fade from that octagon to the one on Clark's real ship. Bo Duke has to ruin the moment. "It's an octagon. It's a very common shape," he tells Clark. Stupid white man. Clark says what about the story. How many people fall from the sky and shoot fire from their eyes? Clark is already sounding like the tribal elder. Bo says he understands Clark's thirst for knowledge about his roots, but the drawings could have a hundred different interpretations. Um, I think Kyla Ho narrowed it down considerably. Clark pulls out a piece of metal. He says it's a piece of the ship Bo pulled from the ship before it closed. When the fuck was that? Clark says the tiny symbols on it are the same as the ones in the cave. Sorry. Still not seeing it. Maybe I need a big plasma TV set to really get what he's on about. Clark says that maybe Kyla Ho's granddad can read it. Bo tells Clark to be careful what he tells "those people." Stupid white man. Bo says they don't know anything about Kyla's people, except the whole Thanksgiving thing. Clark says that's why he invited them over for dinner. And enrolled Bo in sensitivity training.

Multicultural dinner table. Elder Dude is telling the story about how, according to their legend, a man came from the stars and fell in love with the mother of their people. Out of that forbidden affair, the Cowachi people were born. At the mention of "Cowachi," Bo suddenly believes everything and decides he must worship his own son. "My life, my career, my coffee mug...it all makes sense now," Bo thinks. Clark asks if they know what star Numan came from. Kyla Ho gives Clark the googly eyes. She's hella cute, I'll give her that. Elder Dude says the man who couldn't keep it in his superpants flew back into the sky one day, promising to send another one day. "That would be this 'Numan' person you've been talking about, right?" Bo asks. Stupid white man. MamaKent goes to do some kitchen stuff. Kyla stares at Clark, biting her lip. Man, she's hornier than Christina Aguilera. Clark smiles bashfully. "You're not from around here, are you, Clark?" Elder Dude asks. Bo and MamaKent exchange a look. She says Clark is adopted. Clark says the symbols seem to make up an alphabet. Kyla Ho says that's the weird part. Elder Dude says his people don't have a written language, but he's seen a symbol here and there on artifacts. Their ancient atomic microwave oven, for instance. Kyla Ho says that given time, Elder Dude can probably figure out what the symbols are. That is, if Luthor doesn't get at them first. Can't he just transcribe them or take pictures of the cave wall or something? Clark says maybe MamaKent can talk to Papa Luthor. She's totally been put on the spot. "Mom's his executive assistant," Clark boasts. She says it won't be easy, and that the situation isn't so black-and-white. The office complex will create a thousand desperately needed jobs. "And you think that's more important than these caves?" Clark asks. Um, yeah, Clark. It is. Speaking of which, shouldn't you be thinking of getting a damn job to help support the farm instead of spending cash on dirt bike fuel? Ass. Awkward silence. "So, um," Bo says, "would anyone like coffee with their pie?" Sometimes Bo reminds me of Jimmy Neutron's dad.

The Barnness Of Gettin' It On-itude. Clark is showing off his big, phallic telescope. He asks if Kyla Ho wants a, heh heh, look. She says she'd rather see it with her own eyes. Yowza. She's wearing some pretty elaborate neck jewelry. Clark asks about the legends. He wonders if they're not just myths like Venus and Apollo. "Just because something's a myth doesn't mean it's not true," she says. That is about the dumbest line ever uttered on this show, and believe me, there was lots of competition for that title. She takes Clark's hand and points it toward the stars. They're standing really really close. She points toward a very bright star and says the surrounding stars make the shape of a wolf's head. She says that one of the eyes is missing. Kyla Ho says her ancestors believe there used to be a star there. She's touching Clark's hands sensuously. If she's not careful, Clark's gonna get excited and accidentally poke her, knocking her out of the barn window. She says that burned-out star is where Numan came from. So it's an interstellar post office, then? All right, Krypton, got it. Clark wonders what happened to it. "You tell me," she tells Clark, "you're the one that fell from the sky." They look into each other's eyes, about to kiss. Lana is suddenly standing right there, wearing her pink parka over a pink shirt with her pink make-up and vaguely pink stare. Clark notices her. She says Clark's message sounded urgent, so she came over. Clark probably subconsciously orchestrated this whole little scene. Talk about manipulative! Lana's smiling the whole time like this is the greatest thing she's ever seen. Clark introduces the girls to each other. Lana says she hasn't seen her before. "I go to Grandville," she says. It's lucky she didn't end up at "Mid-Mediocreville High." Kyla Ho says she's doing research for her grandfather and rescuing any guys who happen to fall into her life. She's had eight Numans this year alone. Lana asks how they met. Clark tells Lana about the caves. But not about the legend thing. Kyla Ho gives Lana a short, but disparaging, look. Clark says he called Lana to find out if she could get her possibly biological dad Henry Small to help protect the caves, being that he's a granola-eating, Birkenstock-wearing tree hugger and all. Kyla Ho says they're the only link to the past. Lana resists a bit, but says she'll ask. "Thank you, Lana," Kyla Ho says, all condescending. "Now go read your Seventeen magazine and leave us horny teenagers down to the business of propagating the mythical species." Clark smiles. He's never had it so good.

Stately Luthor Manor. There's a weird smiling mask thing on the wall. And there's a weird, grimacing, magnificent thing on the treadmill. It's Papa Luthor, and he's sweating up a storm. I have to check the color on TV to make sure he's actually that red. He tells Sheriff Ethan thanks for letting him know about Elder Dude. We pan back to reveal not only Ethan standing nearby wearing what he always wears and eying Papa Luthor in a most unsavory way, but also that Papa Luthor has little hand weights on his wrists. Ethan (Ethan!) leaves, saying hi to MamaKent as she walks in, asking why the police are still involved. Papa Luthor says the police aren't ready to rule the fire at the construction site an accident. He says Elder Dude has a record of civil disobedience. One time, he took too many napkins at McDonald's. MamaKent asks if it might be sabotage. Listen, yo, yo, it is sabotage! Papa Luthor wonders if he should have built his office plaza in Grandville. All right, I'm already sick of hearing about Grandville. MamaKent says her town needs the jobs. She helps Papa Luthor off the treadmill. He's quite the sweaty, lion-esque man. MamaKent says she sent flowers to the foreman's family. And a turkey, because they're probably also malnourished. She also arranged a "condolence call" for Papa Luthor. He says he doesn't want to be perceived as uncaring. MamaKent says she only did it because it's the right thing to do. She also booked an oatmeal-eating appointment. Papa Luthor says there are times when he's around MamaKent that he feels like he's talking to his wife. She doesn't look disgusted by the idea. "She was a lot like you," Papa Luthor says. He says they had unflinching honesty in common. "I miss that," he says. MamaKent looks touched. "Hope I'm not interrupting," Lex says, standing by the door. MamaKent stands and greets Lex. Papa Luthor remembers to hire a hit man to kill his son. Papa Luthor says it's always good to hear his son's voice. He takes a sip of some Ty Nant. Lex half-smiles as MamaKent collects her things to leave. Papa Luthor puts a towel over one shoulder and commends Lex on his hard work with the employee buyout of the Smallville plant. Didn't that happen at the end of last season? "Look at you," Papa Luthor says, walking to his son. He is so faking. He puts a hand on Lex's shoulder and says that Lex is building an empire on his own. He rubs Lex's shoulder with his thumb (ew) and says that their differences shouldn't keep them from working together when it's smart. Lex says he doesn't want to be an investor in the office park. Papa Luthor offers him a partnership in the project. He blames it on sentimentality. Lex counters that sentimentality is a sign of vulnerability. And dialogue desperation. Lex says Papa Luthor's on his own.

Construction site. Dirt is being moved around. Underneath, however, are caves. I keep expecting to see alien ships and skeletons when they pan down below ground like they always do on The Simpsons. Clark and Kyla Ho are examining the cave drawings. Kyla Ho is in full Lara Croft garb. Clark just stands below and shines a flashlight as she stands on an upper rock level. Clark asks what the drawing says. She says that one day Numan will protect the entire world. She can't read those drawings by herself! There's a sudden rumbling. Clark says it might not be safe in the cave. Kyla Ho invites Clark up to see something. Kyla Ho shows him Ziget, who is like a brother to Numan. Got all that? Ziget looks like a red dinosaur head with the body of a snake. Kyla Ho says Ziget will one day turn against Numan, and they'll be the balance between good, evil, and cheese. Cheese, of course, will win the final battle. Kyla Ho takes a photo. Clark sees a drawing of a woman. "Who's that?" Clark asks. Kyla Ho, standing right to it, says it's the woman he's destined to be with. A drawing just below the picture of the woman looks just like a bracelet Kyla Ho is wearing. She says it was handed down through the women in her family. Rumbling. Rocks start to fall. Kyla Ho loses her footing and falls. Clark superzips down a level and catches her before she lands. A huge slab of rock falls. Clark looks up at it, lays Kyla Ho down, and hovers over her, letting the rock break on his back. It shatters in CGI. Clark is now lying on top of Kyla Ho, two inches from her mouth. She's not complaining. She only nods. As they get up, she asks how Clark did that. "Just adrenaline, I guess," Clark says. Adrenaline and alien birthing. She asks if Clark shoots fire out of his eyes, too. Clark doesn't answer. "Oh, my God," she says, annoying me again. She says she was just joking. "You really are Numan," she says. Clark doesn't know what he is, he says. He notices that she's not very freaked out. Kyla Ho says she knows what it's like to be different. Like being the one actress who tried out for the part who'd never had any training. She puts her hands on his shoulders and says it's all right. She says she's had feelings for Clark the last few days. She says Clark tries to use logic and reason to explain things, but he should just give in. Clark thinks about running away and into Lex's arms at that moment, but figures it'd just be easier for now to stay here and kiss her. So he does. And it's not a bad kiss, either.

Commercials. Lex's little promo shows up right before them, as if he's looking on, all jealous.

Lana and Henry Small at The Talon. He's got a Michael Gross thing going on there. Norah Jones is playing in the background, and for once I thank my lucky stars over the music on this show. Lana thanks Non-Flattened Dad for helping the Native American cause. He breaks some news: he got the DNA test back. "It looks like we share the same DNA," he says. Don't all humans share DNA on some level? "So you really are..." Lana says, after breathing dramatically. Lana says he's her father. He says he hasn't earned that place in her life yet, but wants to. time on Faerie Tale Theater: Monkeys that can fly! Lana is all smiles.

Construction site. Protesters. Bulldozing. MamaKent, wearing a red coat, walks up to Elder Dude, who is standing on the opposite side of the fence. He says that if she's looking for Clark, he's documenting the caves with Kyla Ho. He neglects to mention that they're getting their Kickapoo on. She says she's there on business: Papa Luthor wants to sit down with Elder Dude and talk. He says he's usually better at spotting a wolf in sheep's clothing. MamaKent says that she understands the importance of the caves more than anyone. She says there must be a way they can work something out. Elder Dude says to forgive his skepticism, but every time Native Americans are asked to peacefully coexist, they've been killed or forced onto reservations. Stupid white woman. Henry Small comes up just then and puts his Birkenstock in the door. He presents a cease-and-desist order until a hearing a week later. Elder Dude tells MamaKent he'll see Papa Luthor in court. I wonder if he knows that Papa Luthor won't see him. Ethan walks up just then as the most non-threatening police officer since Andy Fife. Ethan gets right down to business. He puts Elder Dude under arrest for the foreman's murder. "Wait, murder? There has to be a mistake," Henry says. Dude, you just got yourself in a world of trouble with your wayward DNA. Ethan says they found a towel with blood on it in Elder Dude's trash. Elder Dude immediately blames MamaKent's boss for framing him. Ethan takes Elder Dude away.

Stately Luthor Manor. Clark walks in as Lex finishes up a phone conversation. Clark says he needs help: bail money for Elder Dude. "He's being set up. I think by Luthorcorp," Clark says. Oh, sure, just grab one of the big canvas bags with the dollar sign on it on your way out, Clark. Lex says that's a serious accusation. He says that Clark going against his dad is a little like David going after Goliath. Didn't Goliath get smoked in that fight? "Where do you stand?" Clark asks. In your shower, or haven't you noticed every morning? Lex says that any culture that's left a legacy to endure for centuries has earned his respect. But he doesn't think it's a fight Clark can win. Lex asks if Clark's campaign has anything to do with a "doe-eyed crusader." Lex says he heard about Kyla Ho from MamaKent. See, even MamaKent is trying to get Clark and Lex back together. Clark asks if Lex ever thought he was destined to be with someone. Now Clark's just being cruel. Lex says he's surprised Clark moved on so quickly. Yeah, getting over Lex usually takes at least six months. "What happened to Lana?" Lex asks, and you can tell he's holding back a giggle. Clark says it's a completely different feeling when someone likes you back. Oh, you mean like Chloe? Clark asks Lex to help him with the bail money. Lex says no. "Maybe I can get you to change your mind," Clark says. Lex gives Clark a look that says, "I thought you'd never ask. Let's put this issue of money aside and start spending someone else: each other." It is, in case you have to ask, The Gayest Look of the Episode.

The Talon. That new Vanessa Carlton/Carlos Santana song is playing. I hear they weren't even in the same studio when that was recorded. Santana was all, "Hey, just tell her to record the damn vocals. I'm going to San Jose for a drum circle. Got no time for thirteen-year-old singers that are gonna make my album go platinum. Tell her there's chicken salad in the fridge and not to put a damn flying piano in the video for this song. Horale." But I digress. A green banner reads, "Save the cave." When trouble is near, make a banner! Lana has got a clipboard and is signing people up for who knows what. Chloe walks in and goes straight to Lana. She says that Lana must have gotten roped into Clark's "activist phase." Chloe's thinking, "You need to dump the hero and get with...a girl hero!" Lana hands Chloe a button and says they're fighting for something important: draw-rings. Chloe says she's never seen Clark this passionate about a cause. Lana says it's not just the cause Clark is passionate about. Ooh, girl, dish it! Chloe asks what it is about Kyla Ho that breaks through Clark's shiny armor. Must be that she just goes up and kisses him instead of giving Clark moony eyes and talking about a boyfriend who's now in the military. Lana says she always thought Clark was insular, but maybe he was just waiting for the right Lex, er, "person." Chloe starts to ask something, but does a nice little interrupt-take when a guy throws some money into a collection basket Lana is carrying around. Chloe asks if the thing with Kyla Ho might have something to do with a letter Lana was writing to Jocko Whitney. Chloe apologizes for spotting the letter on the counter that morning. Lana says she and Jocko have been writing to each other every week since he left. She says he hasn't really been responding much lately. Lana just now realized this. Chloe asks if she'd be evil for suggesting that Jocko is trying to move on. I just noticed that Chloe's hair makes her head look like a blonde penguin. Lana says Jocko has shared more with her than he did when they were together. Stamps, for instance. And letterhead. Lana asks why guys keep their emotions in the closer you get to them. Chloe says it's a protective instinct, and maybe they should stop falling for guys (oh my) who are trying to save the world. Yeah, guys who are trying to destroy the world are much sexier. Lana smiles, but it deflates.

Clark and Lex in a dark cave, waving their flashlight beams around. You didn't think they were going to have caves in this episode without letting Clark and Lex go spelunking together, did you? Lex asks what this has to do with Elder Dude. Clark says he wanted Lex to see the caves for himself. It's called sharing, Lex. It's what luvahs do. Lex says these caves may be more impressive than the ones at La Scalle. And better lit, too. Clark says Elder Dude and Kyla Ho are trying to get a team down to authenticate the caves. Lex asks if Clark is doing all this for some cave paintings. Clark blows some smoke up Lex's ass about how he thinks it's important for people to know their pasts, blah blah blah rationalization-cakes. So, Clark. What was the name of the kid that died two weeks ago? Yeah. That's what I thought. Clark wonders if the people who drew them knew people would view them a hundred years later. They're only a hundred years old? Jeez. Maybe Elder Dude drew them as a toddler. Clark says saving these paintings might be the most important thing Lex ever does. Cough. Cough. Bullshit. Cough. Clark is going to great nookie lengths. Lex notices the octagon hole in the wall. He fingers it softly, as is his wont. Lex says maybe it's more important than anything they can imagine. Lex fixes Clark with a solid look. Clark looks back with anticipation. I hear porn music in my head, but of course, we cut away.

Clark must have done a bang-up (literally, bang-up) job with Lex in that cave, because thing you know, he's gotten the money and bailed out Elder Dude. Clark = Superwhore. Kyla Ho gives Clark a big hug. Elder Dude says he's not happy it was Luthor money that bailed him out, but damn, he was getting tired of outrunning those young brutes in the pen who wanted to get "a little closer to the Earth Spirit," if you know what I mean. Clark says not all Luthors are the same. Elder Dude asks why Clark is doing all this. See paragraph in re: nookie. Clark says it's for a good cause. MamaKent walks in. She says she was running an errand and wanted to come by and apologize to Elder Dude for what's happening. Elder Dude is still pissed, and insists he was set up. MamaKent says false accusations aren't going to help anybody. Clark says someone from Luthorcorp put the bloody towel in Elder Dude's trash. Sweet, gullible superfool. Elder Dude says he sees where MamaKent's allegiances lie. Kyla Ho gives Clark an over-the-shoulder look as they leave.

The Torch. Clark walks in as Chloe's getting off the phone, and asks if there's anything new with Elder Dude's case. Chloe says that a simple "hello, Chloe" goes a long way. Mrrawwww. Clark says he's just a little..."Obsessed?" Chloe finishes. She says she just got off the phone with the coroner's office. They found teeth marks in the foreman's bone. Wolf teeth. Clark says that gets Elder Dude off the hook. Chloe says it's weird, because wolves have been extinct in Smallville for ninety years. Wolves? Extinct? Chloe's explanation: she says Kyla Ho's tribe name translates into "Skinwalkers." She shows Clark a sketch of a wolf-person. Yes, that's much more plausible than regular wolves roaming the countryside. Chloe says it's a Native American myth where people turn into animals. Clark says it's a legend. "Clark, sometimes legends are true." Sigh. Chloe also points out that Elder Dude has been arrested for radical tactics. Like, this one time, he totally busted out with a McTwist on a half-pipe. It was the most radical tactic I've ever seen, dude. Clark says Elder Dude's not a murderer. Clark, on the other hand...Clark walks off.

MamaKent is leaving a Luthorcorp loading dock. We see through Wolf-o-Vision somebody tracking her. She gets spooked and quickly scurries to her car. She looks around, scared. Inside the car, she tries to start the engine. Suddenly, there's a wolf on the hood of the car, growling at MamaKent through the windshield. Here's what I want to know: Figuring what we know later, why does the wolf go after her? Wouldn't some of the Clark-love make it impolite to go terrorizing Numan's adopted mother? Whatever. They just wanted to do an homage to Cujo. Mission accomplished. MamaKent fumbles for her keys and finally starts the car. The wolf is gone. Tribal chanting is heard.

Omar: So, Mr. von Fecund, do werewolf attacks in residential and business area occur very often?
Udo von Fecund: Mwwwrrrrrrrrraaarrrrr. Ggrrrrrrr. Rraowwwr!
Omar: I see. You're about that?
Udo von Fecund: Rrrawr.
Omar: I didn't mean to doubt you, I was just...
Udo von Fecund: Awrrrooooowwrrr!
Omar: No, I understand.

Commercials. I sure hope at least one or two of you caught The Iron Giant on the WB Thursday night. That movie...let's just say I get a little emotional towards the end.

Clark comes home all mopey. "So what do you know? You do still live here?" Bo says. Hey, Bo, while you're moaning, let's have a look at your leg, shall we? It healed awfully fast, didn't it? Maybe you're the one with alien superpowers. Bo, wearing glasses, gives Clark a message. Kyla Ho called for Clark twice. Bo says they seem to be getting pretty serious. Clark says he feels like everything fits; he can be himself around her and he feels they're destined to be together. But can you rub her bald head all night? Bo intuits that there's still something wrong. He invites Clark to sit down and rap with the old man. "What's up?" Bo asks. Clark says he likes Kyla Ho, but he thinks she may be dishonest. Bo says people aren't always what they seem. He's making excuses for people lying now. I always knew Bo was a bad seed. Clark says he thinks Kyla Ho knows more about Skinny Foreman's death than she says. MamaKent walks in, looking shaken. She says a wolf tried to attack her. Wait, is this the WB still? I thought maybe my TV caught CBS from October 2001.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is playing on his pretty laptop. Papa Luthor walks in, calling Lex's name. Lex closes his laptop. We see an octagon shape on the screen as it's being shut. Papa Luthor asks if he's done something to offend Lex. That's how mobsters get you. Lex crosses his legs and says there's so many ways he can answer that. Papa Luthor, who is totally still faking blindness, takes off his sunglasses and points out that Lex posted bail for the man who allegedly killed Papa Luthor's foreman. Oh, he can buy five more. Lex asks if he's afraid of an old man. Papa Luthor says the PR is bad. Lex says maybe they can give it a positive spin. Papa Luthor asks if Lex has come around to being a partner. Lex says no. Lex offers to take the project of Papa Luthor's hands. Papa Luthor asks what Lex would get out of such an "impulsive act." Lex says he'd see a local treasure preserved forever. Clark? Papa Luthor doesn't believe Lex. He says there's something about the land that's valuable to Lex. Papa Luthor wants to know what it is.

The Barnness Of Saddletude. Clark is shining a saddle. The less said about that act, the better. Kyla Ho comes up behind Clark, puts her hands on his shoulders, spins him around, and kisses him in greeting. Man, they're like practically married now. Clark says he needed to talk to her. Clark says as the camera swivels around them that he's been more honest with her than anybody else. He says he trusts her, but...are you a werelady? Kyla Ho asks if Clark's been studying up on her. She says the visitor from the sky (I guess the original guy) brought green stones with him, and they had strange effects on people. You don't say! "So they're real?" Clark asks. She says it's just a story. Clark asks if the Legend of Numan is just a story. No, Clark. It's a myth. And myths are true, dammit! Haven't you been listening? Tribal sounds are playing. This is just getting annoying. Clark asks if it's possible that Elder Dude is a skinwalker. "I can't believe you're doing this!" Kyla Ho suddenly says, all pissy. Clark says his mom was attacked by a wolf after she had an argument with Elder Dude. Clark tells her about the chewed-up foreman. She's mad that Clark thinks her gramps is a murderer. "I thought you were on our side!" she whines. Clark says those cave drawings aren't worth killing innocent people. War drums play. Hokily. She says that if this is how Clark thinks of them, maybe they weren't meant to be together after all. She leaves, but not before whining that her grandfather was right: Papa Luthor controls them all.

Luthor hallway. Papa Luthor, in his dashing black shirt and wild hair, is walking down it. He hears something. A whistle? Music? Asian house boy? He sits down in the fireplace room and pours himself a drink by touch. Papa Luthor sniffs his brandy. Looks off into the distance with his blind eyes. Hears something growl. Something thumps at the door. Scritch-scratch. "Lex?" Papa Luthor says, standing. Somebody goes, "Oooohhhh," like a hoarse person making ghost sounds. Suddenly there's wolf sounds coming from all directions. The skinwalker must be hooked up to a Dolby Digital receiver! Papa Luthor is scared. Suddenly, we see him in Wolf-o-Vision, and then the white wolf is suddenly in front of him, growling. When did the wolf get through the door? Papa Luthor is scared. Wolf growls.

Omar: So, Mr. von Fecund, I want to thank you for coming out today. I know it's a long way from Transylvania A&M University.
Udo von Fecund: Graaawoorr.
Omar: I appreciate that, thanks. Would you like a chew toy on your way out?
Udo von Fecund: Awwwwooooooorrrr.
Omar: You're very welcome.

Commercials.

Homestretch, people. It's almost over. The wolf attacks with its paw. It's the fakest-looking, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog moment. The paw just reaches up and scratches Papa Luthor on the cheek. He screams and falls. The wolf looks like it's about to jump him. Clark busts in the door. He yells Elder Dude's name. Clark puts his hands out like he's the damn wolf whisperer or something. The wolf calms down. Major eye contact. Two guys, one of them with a gun, come through the doorway. Clark stops them from shooting. The wolf runs off and busts through the window. We hear a wolf whimper. Clark goes to see what happened. There's blood on the window glass.

Outside. Misty woods. Very Wolf Lake again. Clark calls Elder Dude's name and sees the white wolf lying on its side, bleeding. There's a deep gash on its stomach. The wolf...changes. It's Kyla Ho! Who didn't see that coming? She's all naked with her rump in the air. Clark puts his red jacket over her and says, "No, no!" He rolls her over. Holds her. Asks if she's all right. She says she didn't want to hurt the foreman or Clark's mom. But she sorta did. Clark asks why she didn't tell him the truth. She says she saw the look in Clark's eye when he thought it was Elder Dude. Clark says he's sorry. She says Clark's the first person she thought she could trust. She speaks in high-pitched staccato. She says Clark knows what it's like to carry such a big secret. Clark says he has to get her to the hospital. "Stay with me," she says. Can't he be with her as he superspeeds her to help? She says she's sorry she can't be the one for Clark. Awwww. She calls him "Numan." She dies. Clark says her name and holds her tight. Um...she's still got a few minutes before brain death. Wanna...just...take her for help, and...no? You sure? All right, fine.

Construction site. MamaKent arrives in a sleek black SUV. People are standing around chattering as she gets out of the car with Papa Luthor. He's got his cheek bandaged. Papa Luthor asks what's going on. There's some kid on the site that thinks he's a hero. It's Clark! And he is a hero! Standing around. Doing nothing. Papa Luthor says he's glad Clark saved his life and all, but -- what the fuck? MamaKent says she agrees with Clark standing around doing nothing in a vaguely protesting manner. Papa Luthor asks if she's willing to lose her job over this. "That's up to you," she tells him, and walks off. He calls her name a few times with differing dramatic effects. MamaKent goes to hug Clark. A bunch of trucks and other cars show up. It's the Native American brigade. Elder Dude greets Clark. He says Kyla Ho was right to believe in Clark. Can't they start construction now that Clark isn't in the way? Clark says he didn't save her. "You did what you could," Elder Dude says. Uh, yeah. I guess. Whatever, dude. Elder Dude says Kyla Ho had faith in Clark, and so does he. Whatever Clark's destiny, he offers Clark a gift. It's a silver and turquoise piece of jewelry that Kyla Ho wore, wrapped in a nice purple cloth. "For the true one in your life," he tells Clark. Um, Elder Dude? I don't know if you've ever tried giving a woman an ex-girlfriend's piece of jewelry, but...you just ruined Clark's future life.

Lex walks up to Papa Luthor. They're both wearing sunglasses. Lex says his dad always told him to choose his battles wisely. Papa Luthor says he hopes he didn't use such an obvious cliché. Heh. Lex says he should have taken the offer. He presents a document showing that the area has been preserved by a state historical artifacts amendment. They're gonna buy Papa out at thirty cents on the dollar instead of the dollar on the dollar Lex offered. Screwed! Lexcorp secured the preservation rights to the area. Papa Luthor says he doesn't know what Lex is up to, but charity isn't in his blood. He says Lex found something valuable, and whatever it is, Papa Luthor will find it. Lex doesn't have to worry about money, though. He just invented magically disappearing and reappearing sunglasses.

In the cave. Lex is poking around. His flashlight swings mightily. He blows on the octagon hole. Rubs it with cloth. Oh, pretty octagon hole. Lex is gonna make you a happy bride someday. We pan up to the cave drawings. We zoom in on the one with Numan and the red snake creature. Like we didn't already know that Lex's snake was gonna wrap itself around Clark someday?

Clark in the barn loft. "Lana," he says. And there she is. She comes up and tells Clark she's sorry about Kyla Ho. But watch how quickly it becomes about her again. Clark says he's sorry they didn't get to know each other. "You had a lot in common," he says. Lana says that means a lot. They look out into the stars. Clark tells Lana there used to be a star out there, but it disappeared. Lana says it's amazing how quickly a light can go out. She's starting to get emotional. Clark asks if she's all right. She doesn't think so. Lana starts to cry when she says that Jocko Whitney's mom just called. He's missing in action? Action? Where? On this show? On another show I'm not watching? What? Where? Who? WHY!? Lana cries into Clark's chest as he holds her. The stars are behind them. They stand like that until blackout.

Yeah, WB -- you'll sell me The Vines on CD, but not Norah Jones or Carlos Santana? Man, fuck you guys.

week: Nothing! Ha ha! Hiatus! Boo-YAH! Yes! YES! YES! Ahem. I mean, I am very sad not to be recapping week. See you time.