Twin Heads Make One Big Ass

S02E09

As they pack up their stuff, Pete asks Clark for a "sneak preview." Is that some sort of sex thing? Clark shakes his head. Pete nudges Clark some more and says he won't tell Bo Duke. Clark uses his x-ray vision to look inside the grade book. It says that Clark has a C+, Pete a B+, Tool Boy a solid C. Pete asks how he did. Clark says he was smart to stick to the basics. Yep. Good old Basic Pete.

Hallway. Tool Boy rushes between Clark and Pete and runs down the hall. Pete asks what's up. Clark says that Tool Boy's legendary 4.0 average just took a hit. A bong hit? Pete says that Tool Boy is an academic dynamo, but all his extra classes mean something's gotta give.

Back in Shop class, Squat is doing some after-hours metal sanding. He's building a stainless steel résumé for his death-of-the-week acting gig. Tool Boy suddenly appears. He slurs that he needs an A in this class. It's sad when academic kids go on benders and then go and embarrass themselves like this. Squat says that the grades will be posted on Thursday. Tool Boy grabs him by the arm and says he needs to know now. Squat says it's a C, and that was generous. Tool Boy says he works twice as hard as anyone in the school does, and needs a 4.0 to lock down a Luthor Foundation Scholarship. It's a speech-therapy foundation. Squat throws off Tool Boy's arm; he says the conversation is over and the grade stands. Tool Boy turns off the lights. Locks the doors. Puts on some loud crap music. Raises a lit torch. Tool Boy's attempts to look evil are just sad. He looks like a demented bunny. Squat turns around, and there's Tool Boy again! This time he's holding the shiv. He stabs Squat in the heart with the tool that can't open letters, but that can open heart valves. (See, I told you, pendejo. Cut you, man.) Squat keels over. "I just can't accept a C," Tool Boy says, but I had to read it on closed captioning because you can't hear it over the music.

Opening credits. Friday After looks kinda funny, actually.

The Talon. The marquee reads, "Two for one latte specials." That's a lotta latte. Lex exits, carrying a little lidded cup of the hot stuff. He's also wearing sunglasses a lot lately. Doesn't he know we like it when we can see his eyes? Lex is speaking into a cell phone about knowing that he's late to a plant tour for an EPA representative. But he had time for a stop at The Talon? As Lex comes to his convertible, some guy in a plastic yellow jacket is writing out a ticket. Lex says he was only there for five minutes. Yellow Jacket -- who is a meter butler -- says he's already started writing the ticket. Lex says he's in a hurry and has a headache and doesn't have time for this. Has he got time for the pain? The red-headed ticket guy -- who looks like a grown-up Ron Weasley -- says he wouldn't want Lex to miss his tee time. We see that Lex has a set of golf clubs sticking out of the back seat. Lex says the clubs are for a charity auction. Yellow Jacket says that Lex will give away a $4,000 set of golf clubs, but will gripe over a $25 ticket. I don't think it's the fine he's griping about. Lex smiles. He asks, getting in the guy's face, if he's done something to offend Mr. Yellow Jacket. Yellow Jacket says it's always the rich ones who put up a stink. Especially those flatulent rich people. Yellow Jacket says that some people actually work for a living. Like red-headed character actors, for instance. He advises Lex to watch where he parks in the future. He looks down at Lex's license plate, which says "LEX XIV." "Lex," Yellow Jacket finishes, saying it with a contemptuous grin and head shake. That's it. Lex is pissed. He nods his head a little, grabs a golf club, and uses it to go all Jack Nicholson. He whacks the windshield. "Are you crazy?" Yellow Jacket whines. Lex says he employs 2,500 people in town. He takes a whack at the front headlight. Lex says he pays taxes which provide Yellow Jacket's salary. He takes out another headlight. People have gathered and gasp at Lex's every move. I think they're all a little sexually aroused, too. Lex tossed the club at Yellow Jacket, who catches it. "Get a real job," Lex says. Ooh, burn. And a burning from a flaming man is even worse. Yellow Jacket takes a deep breath, thoroughly emasculated. Hey, at least he's still got his jacket.

Opening credits. Friday After looks kinda funny, actually.

Big granite sign that reads, "Pleasant Meadows. Another LUTHORCORP Development." It's a housing community. Clark takes a big box from the back of the Kent truck and hands it to Chloe's goofy dad, who struggles under the weight. They didn't bother to seal the boxes? Lana is standing there in a dark green sweater. She thanks Daddy Sullivan for letting her stay with him and Chloe. He says he's going to make dinner in honor of Lana's arrival. "Mi casa su casserole," he says. He has leapt ahead of Principal Asskick and Sheriff Ethan to become my favorite person on the show. Lana laughs and says she's excited and terrified at the same time about moving in with Chloe. Imminent girl-on-girl action will do that to you. Clark says it's a big change. Lana says Nell was a little upset that she decided to stay in Smallville. Do you blame her? Now she's going to have to do guest appearances on crappy soap operas and work training videos. Nell was nasty, but she didn't deserve that. Clark says it's not easy when someone you love moves away. When has Lana ever showed love for Nell? Long, significant (yawn) look exchanged. Chloe walks up just then, of course. She's like, "Oh, great, this shit again." Chloe says that's everything, if Clark needs to get his truck back. Home, I guess. Clark says his mom was going to finish up work early and help finish chores. "Wanna celebrate?" Clark asks. Man, he's quick with the menage! I thought he'd at least wait until Lana unpacked. Lana says she's gotta take a shift at The Talon. Chloe says she has to run to the school newspaper. Clark all sad. "When you two are scheduled to take a break, give me a call," Clark says, all mopey. Lana thanks Clark for the help. Chloe takes a butt-ugly basket inside. "This is gonna be so great!" Lana says as they go into the house.

Cows! Kent Farm. Bo walks into a barn where a big tractor awaits, and looks at his watch. "Well, looks like it's just you and me, old girl," he says. Oh, no! Bo's cheating on the cows with the tractor! He picks up a few wrenches and starts tinkering with something. "Eh, come on," he grunts. "Come on, you," Bo grunts some more. I'm really not comfortable with the anthropomorphic stuff here. Suddenly, the jacked-up tractor buckles. Bo drops the wrench and grunts some more. See, Bo? Love hurts.

Clark walks into the Kent kitchen, calling for MamaKent. He calls for Bo. "Clark? Clark?" he hears from outside. Clark superspeeds to the barn and lifts the tractor, which has Bo pinned down. The cows are laughing with spite. "I can't move my leg," Bo says, red-faced and pained. Clark x-ray-visions Bo's leg. Yep. Broken. Like the bovine hearts out there.

Torch. Tool Boy shows up wearing a maroon pullover. He greets Chloe. He is a wee, wee man. Chloe knows who he is; she says he practically owns the math and science shelves in the library. This is the point where most math and science geeks would run from the room in shame. Tool Boy returns the "compliment" by saying that Chloe owns the current events section. He says they could both be candidates for the "Overachievers Anonymous club." Can you overachieve and be anonymous at the same time? I guess if what you're trying to overachieve is anonymity. Chloe asks what she can do for him. Tool Boy says he heard that most of the library's reference books had migrated to the newsroom. Chloe says she's been meaning to return them. Tool Boy guesses she hasn't found the time. Chloe agrees, and says sometimes she wishes there were two of her. That line would be fine if it didn't pop up again later in the episode and go from cute to annoying. Tool Boy finds the book he's looking for. It's a guide on colleges and universities. Let me tell you something, Tool Boy, based on past episodes and past Villains of the Week: I don't think you'll be needing that particular tome. Chloe asks if he's getting an early start. Tool Boy says, annoyingly, that he's going to graduate at the end of the year. So what does he need the book for? Chloe says he's just a sophomore. He says he's been piling on night classes and extra-credit work. Since when does extra-credit work earn you a degree? He says that with a Luthor scholarship, he'll be going Ivy League year. Maybe he can go terrorize Rory. "Color me journalistically intrigued," Chloe says. Sigh. Tool Boy gives Chloe the ferret eyes. The romantic ferret eyes. "How about an interview?" Chloe asks. Uh oh. Chloe foreplay. Tool Boy agrees. He asks Chloe to take it easy on him. "Your reputation precedes you," he tells her, in his wannabe Ferris Bueller voice. Chloe says she'll leave her hard-hitting reporter hat at home. What about her bra? Lots of Chloe grinning.

Bo at the hospital. He's got a huge blue leg cast. Clark asks the very nerdy and somewhat attractive doctor if his dad's going to be all right. She says she doesn't see him square dancing anytime soon (damn!), but that he'll be fine. MamaKent walks in all harried and goes straight to Bo, trying to hug him. Don't they get tired of being at the hospital every week? I hope they get bulk parking rates. Bo gruffly pushes MamaKent away and says he'll be fine. The doctor -- who's wearing an awful lot of makeup for the emergency room -- says that Bo can go as soon as she finds him a pair of crutches. Clark asks where MamaKent's been. He says he left her a message an hour before. Speaking of excessive makeup, MamaKent looks way tarted up. She says she was in a conference call with Papa Luthor (conspicuously absent these last few episodes) and the Luthorcorp board. "I wish you'd waited for me," she tells Bo. MamaKent says she called, but the machine was on. Bo, who is in a hospital gown (huh?), says he'd really just like to leave. MamaKent says she's really sorry.

Hospital hallway. Lex walks up to Dr. Glasses and says he's looking for Dr. Bryce. Um, that's her. Lex says he's a friend of Bo Duke's. Lex says he has an orthopedic specialist ready to fly out within the hour if necessary. Dr. Glasses says there's no need. Lex says he wants Bo to get the best care. "So do I," she says, definitively. Lex smiles. "I've, uh, I've offended you," Lex says. Dr. Glasses says she's second-guessed for a living. She knows who Lex is. Clark comes up just then. He looks at them both and goes into bitch mode. "Lex, what's going on?" Clark asks. Smiling, and with cute dimples (sorry, folks, she's my type, by which I mean, she doesn't look fourteen, like the other girls on this show), Dr. Glasses says that she and Lex were discussing small-town medicine. Lex smiles. She makes a little faux curtsey head bob and walks away. Go get her, Lex, HoYay! be damned! Lex asks Clark how his dad's doing. Clark gives Lex a sly "I know what you did" look and says he's fine, but that Clark's more worried about his mom. Clark says she blames herself for the accident. When? Lex says Clark's mom is just trying to find a balance between work and home. "I guess I'm just lucky she didn't take a 9-iron to a meter maid's car," Clark says and then looks over at Lex with that "I forgive you, you violent, sexy beast" look that can only be (trumpets please) the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex says, "Oh, you heard about that." Clark says the town is called Smallville. Lex says he was having a bad day. "Yeah," Clark says, grinning, and walks off. They need to find a little utility closet. Lex doesn't know whom to lust after now -- Clark or the doctor. Lex looks through some room blinds and sees Bo arguing as he hops up to his crutches. Lex wisely stays outside the room.

Talon. Our wee Tool Boy waits as Chloe brings over some mugs of coffee. She lists things he has going for him: perfect attendance, straight As, no actual facial hair growth... He says it's pretty intense. Oh, lawd. Chloe says that's like saying the sun is "kinda hot." He says it's an only-child thing; making up for the kids his parents never had. That should be the zero-population-growth motto in China. Chloe says she doesn't understand the mad rush to graduate. He says he knows there's more to life than Smallville. Just remember that when you read the rest of the script, VOTW. He says he can't wait to take on the world. Neither can Chloe. He mentions that Chloe probably has a deadline. She sputters and says yeah, that one of the drawbacks to having free time is that it flies by. Huh? Chloe is full of non sequiturs lately. Tool Boy asks if he can tag along on her work and maybe do something when she's through. "Great!" she says. She'd love that. Clark walks in just then and sees them together. They stand up and greet Clark, all formal. Chloe says she and Tool Boy were just finishing up. She's squirming like she's been caught doing something. TB grabs the check. Chloe goes to grab the car. After Chloe leaves, Clark makes conversation with Tool Boy, asking about Shop Teacher Squat. Tool Boy says the teacher's bark is worse than his bite. He lies that he got an A. "Really?" Clark asks. Lana comes up just then and says she forgot about her math session with Clark. Clark is all, "Wuh?" Clark says that's why he's there. He has to make a feed-store run. He couldn't call and tell her that? Lana says she understands. Tool Boy asks if simultaneous equations have got Lana down. This sounds like a commercial for something. Lana says she and higher math don't along well. I am so, so surprised. Tool Boy offers to give Lana a few tips since he took that class the semester before. Lana says she's totally lost and could use the help. Lana says she's off in ten minutes. "Great," Tool Boy says, right in front of Clark. "I'll be right back," he says. Clark looks over at Tool Boy leaving and then looks back at Lana. He leaves, after shooting a confused look at Lana.

Now we're in some sort of blacklit lab/barn/something-or-other where Tool Boy takes off his sweater. Is this his lab? The back of The Talon? Where the fuck are we? He takes off his shoes. Shows off his scrawny-ass chest. Pants and belt are gone. I don't need to see this. Honestly. Tool Boy breathes all deep, furthering the Young Val Kilmer illusion. He suddenly grunts. The special-effects budget is depleted to the point where we see this in shadows: Some shape emerges from Tool Boy's back. Then we do see his back, and a little head comes out. How handy! Hey, guys, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we'd all like a little head once in a while. Back to the shadow-puppet thing. This is like a Tool video made on a $3 budget. Another Tool Boy emerges and hits the ground with slightly hairy legs. The second version is slightly shorter and has less poofy hair. He's Not-so-Mini-Tool-Boy. They don't have a handshake or anything to greet each other.

Outside The Talon, it's dark. Chloe picks up one of the Doofusgangers while Lana walks out with the other. I don't want to live in a world with two Jonathan Taylor Thomases. I really don't.

Commercials. Reign of Fire on DVD. When you see it on the rental shelf, try to remember why you didn't go see it in theaters in the first place.

Kent Farm. Clark is doing some toaster-oven cooking. Bo emerges on crutches, and I have to laugh. Clark nags Bo that he's supposed to be taking it easy. "I slept in 'till 6, didn't I?" Bo asks. Har de fuckin' har. Bo asks about various chores, but Clark's already done them all. Why do they need a Bo Duke at all? MamaKent comes downstairs in an orange shirt and jeans, not her usual business attire. She says she's going to stay home until things settle down. Bo says he doesn't want his accident to disrupt the family. Clark directs Bo to the couch. Bo says he can rest just as well greasing the bearings on the tractor as sitting on the couch. Isn't that how he smashed his leg in the first place? Bo needs to chill the fuck out. After Bo leaves, Clark tells MamaKent that she shouldn't blame herself for the accident. MamaKent says that the farm is a partnership, and that she hasn't been doing her share. Clark says she took the job to help the farm, and no one expects her to be in two places at once. Kill me. Kill me now. MamaKent still feels guilty.

Smallville High's hallway. Metal Shop has been cancelled and all students are to report to Study Hall. Clark is surprised, since Squat hasn't missed a day before. How does Clark know that? Isn't Clark gone half the time? Pete says that's good for the metal-shop-impaired. Pete suddenly says, "Hey, check out Lana's new study buddy!" Tool Boy is hanging by Lana's locker, trying to do the cool lean thing with the white t-shirt and dark overshirt. It's disgusting. The closest analogy I can think of was when Corey Feldman thought it would be cool to dress and dance like Michael Jackson in Dream a Little Dream. It's just a visceral gut reaction: No. Lana doesn't mind, apparently. Pete asks if Clark is jealous. "Lana and I are just friends," Clark says, lamely. "Right," Pete says, and walks off.

Meanwhile, at Lana's locker, Tool Boy is thanking Lana for offering to write him a peer recommendation toward the Luthor scholarship. Does he know all about Lex's silent partnership in The Talon? Lana -- who is wearing some sort of Black Crowes/Chris Robinson pink fringy frock -- thanks Tool Boy for helping her with her math. She raises her hands so we can see that her sleeves are all poofy. Just because you're not wearing the same clothes two episodes in a row doesn't mean it's an improvement. Tool Boy leans in and gives Lana a little kiss. Lana doesn't kiss back. Her lips just hang open like she's trying to catch a fly at the same time. Clark is watching the whole time, wishing he'd brought his telescope. Tool Boy leans back and says he'll talk to her later. He tells her to page him. Page? Clark walks up and says it looks like the study date went well. Lana says that Tool Boy showed her a great shortcut. First, you star as a kid in a crappy long-running sitcom. Then you do some animated-movie voices. Then you sink into obscurity, develop a drug habit and a lisp, and then have the WB tout your "return to television." Then sit back and watch the cash roll in. Lana tells Clark that Tool Boy is intense. If this wasn't a show about mutants, he'd be an amphetamine addict and this would be like that one episode of Family Ties where Alex got all strung out and dug up the backyard. Clark follows Lana upstairs, and Lana reveals that she and Tool Boy have another date, this time for a movie. Clark asks what Chloe thinks. Lana's totally in the dark about the whole Chloe/Tool Boy thing. She thinks it was an innocent interview. Clark tells her that they were gonna go on a date, but Tool Boy dumped Chloe to go with Lana. Lana says that Chloe never mentioned it. Okay, I hate to bring a very vulgar term into this, but Clark is doing what guys call "Cockblocking" here. Mutant or no, guys are typically not cool with having other guys talk shit about them to girls like this. It's a code, or something. And maybe it's because I just saw Roger Dodger last night. Regardless, Clark is being a gossipy little snitch. Lana stops Clark and says the move's been tough, Chloe and her dad have been great, and Clark should butt the hell out. For once, I agree with Lana.

Some other classroom setting. On the board, it says, "Anger Management." Lex walks into a colorful room and looks annoyed as he puts a "Hello, my name is..." name-tag on his chest. He spots Dr. Glasses, who has lost her glasses. Now she's Dr. Contacts. Lex goes up to her and says her name. "Mr. Luthor," she says back, in a very funny deep voice. Lex looks down at her chest and notices her name-tag. It says "Bored Silly." Lex says he likes it. The name-tag, that is. "It's my secret identity. Don't tell anyone," she whispers conspiratorially. Screw Lex. I think I should get to date her. Lex makes smalltalk and asks why she's there. She says she drop-kicked an orderly. When I hear "drop-kicked," I think of old-school wrestling, where people got kicked with both feet in the face. I'm not sure if I can see her doing that. Lex doesn't really even smile at that. She says she has a violent reaction to incompetence. She had better not go anywhere near the Smallville writing room. Aw, come on, I'm just kidding! Come back, writers! I'm just playing. (Sorta.) Lex says the drop-kick must have caught the orderly off-guard. That's the best he can do? I thought Lex was gonna be all suave here. Dr. Contacts asks what Lex did: "Verbally demean your butler?" Damn. I'm in love. "Cute," Lex says. He tells her about his golfing incident. She smiles and says she's jealous. Upon closer inspection, her face looks a bit like Teri Hatcher's, after Lois and Clark but before she turned into "Withered Radio Shack Lady." Dr. Contacts asks how it felt. "Great," Lex says simply. She advises Lex to keep that to himself in the room. He asks if she wants to get together, maybe grab something to eat after class. She says "No" immediately. He asks if she has a thing about dating classmates. Dr. Contacts says she has a thing about dating Lex. Lex is confused. "You don't remember me, do you?" she asks. Before Lex can answer, a teacher walks in and tells everyone to take a seat. Everyone starts to yell at each other and throw chairs around, but only in my imagination. Lex is smitten. He's not the only one.

Torch. Chloe is bending over with a magnifying glass, looking at some photo proofs on a light table. Yes, there's a little Chloeavage. Clark walks in, his brown jacket in hand, and looks at the story Chloe's working on. It's a profile of Tool Boy. Clark reads some of it aloud in which Chloe calls Tool Boy an academic superstar. "So much for journalistic detachment," Clark says. Chloe -- whose hair is hellafucked today -- says that not every story is Wall of Weird material. Then she asks rhetorically why she's defending herself. "Do you like him?" Clark asks. Check yes or no. Chloe says she doesn't not like him. She asks what this is about. Clark says he wants Chloe to be careful. Why? Because he saw Tool Boy with Lana in the hallway and they were "close." Hey, if the cockblock fits... Chloe gets it now. She says, "You just want to make sure poor little Chloe doesn't get burned. Again." Chloe says that Tool Boy told her that Lana had a crush on him, but that he chose Chloe. He asked her to keep it a secret in order not to hurt Lana's feelings. "And you believe that," Clark asks. Chloe gets mad and says that Clark can't believe someone would choose Chloe over Lana. I think every person on our forums would choose Chloe over Lana. Chloe leaves the room, upset.

Outside, Tool Boy -- wearing his white t-shirt -- checks his pager. Wait, did this scene come from 1994? Clark comes up behind him and says they need to talk. Tool Boy tries to blow Clark off and says he's busy. Clark says he knows Tool Boy is playing Lana and Chloe against each other. "Musta learned from the master," Tool Boy says, spilling marbles from his mouth as he does so. Clark doesn't know what that means. Tool Boy explains that Chloe told him about the Spring Formal and Lana said Clark gives off so many mixed signals he could scramble a radar. Ha! Clark looks down in shame. Tool Boy says maybe Lana and Chloe want to be with someone who's going places. When he gets his scholarship, he's leaving town. So they're going to leave with him after their sophomore years? Clark accuses Tool Boy of using the girls to get his scholarship. Tool Boy denies it. Tool Boy says the two girls like him instead of Clark and Clark's jealous. Yup. A Tool Boy is walking away, Clark says that's it's going to be hard to keep that 4.0 when the shop teacher gave Tool Boy a C. Tool Boy says he never saw any grades posted. Clark says it's a lucky break the teacher called in sick. "You trying to say something?" he asks Clark. I think it is Tool Boy who needs help saying stuff. He tells Clark to stay out of his life. I think that's advice we'll all be able to follow once this episode is over.

Shop class at night. Pete and Clark are doing their classic Lethal Weapon buddy investigation schtick. Except Pete's not too old for this shit and Clark is no mulletted Mel Gibson (yet). Pete says this is messed up. Clark says the shop teacher never called in sick; in fact, he didn't call at all. Clark says he wants to have a look around. Pete asks what they're going to find. He opens a closet door and makes a big show of looking around and finding nothing. He turns his back on the doorway and what should pop out but...a dead body! Did you see it coming? Yeah? Me too. The body knocks Pete over. Clark goes over to help. Suddenly, somebody lights some flammable liquid on the ground and there are flames everywhere. Were these the flames that would engulf the town that Lex was talking about last week? The fire spreads. Clark takes Pete away, protecting him. Through the flames, Clark sees Tool Boy for a moment. Then Tool Boy is gone. Shouldn't Clark have been using his powers at some point around here?

Clark walks into a house. Is it his house? No? Did he just let the school burn down? Where the fuck is the transition here? Clark walks, unannounced, into Chloe's house and finds her and Tool Boy swapping spit. "What are you doing here?" Clark asks. It's her fucking house. Jeez! The logic in this episode is excruciating. Clark tells Chloe that Tool Boy tried to kill him and Pete. He also guesses that the kid killed the teacher. Chloe asks when the deadly encounter occurred. Clark says it was twenty minutes ago. Chloe says that's impossible; Tool Boy has been there for three hours. It's a stumper! And they just left the dead body in the fire? And didn't call the police? And there was no murder investigation? Man alive! This sucks!

Talon. They're recycling Talon marquees again. This one is the one about open mike night and getting out of the shower and into The Talon. What if they had showers at The Talon? Lana is crunching some numbers. Two of them, I think. Clark walks in and asks if Lana's seen Chloe. Lana gets up immediately and says she's at the sheriff's station making her statement. Ah, justice. Clark asks why Lana's mad at him, but it didn't sound like Lana was mad at all. It sounded like she was reading words from a script while following penciled-in blocking notes. Lana says she can't believe Clark accused Tool Boy of killing the shop teacher. Clark says that Tool Boy is lying to everyone. Unlike himself. "A boy with secrets. I'm surprised you guys aren't fast friends," Lana says. Clark tells her not to turn it around on him, adding that Chloe is Tool Boy's alibi. Lana says that they were just finishing up an interview. Clark says that they were making out. Lana reveals that Tool Boy told her Chloe had a crush on him. Lana says that if she didn't know Clark better, she'd think he was jealous. Clark says "You gotta ask yourself" (Lex rubbed him well) why someone would make the two people they care about lie. Clark walks out. Lana "acts" a bit on her own.

Hospital. Dr. Glasses is back. Lex pops up behind her. Lex remembers where he knew her from. Metropolis General Hospital. Lex was drunk and puking his guts out (Partyboy!), and she was a med student assigned to sober him up. "It's a night I'll never forget, either," she says, taking offer her glasses. She's toned down the makeup a bit. Lex thanks her. She thanks Lex right back for being one of the cases that made her leave Metropolis. Ooh. Lex says he's flattered he turned her from a life of nose jobs and liposuction to small-town medicine. Her father, it turns out, is a plastic surgeon to the rich and famous. He Botoxed Lana's upper lip. Dr. Glasses notes that Lex has been doing his homework. "You intrigue me," Lex says. And you complete me, Lex. They exchange first-names-basis status and Lex promises not to reveal Dr. Glasses's secret identity ("Bored Silly"). Dr. Glasses says she refused to join her dad's practice and he stopped speaking to her. "They hate when you do that," Lex says, smartly. She says it sounds like Lex speaks from experience. Uh oh. She's starting to fall into not being quite so sparkling with her dialogue and being a straight woman (pardon the expression) for Lex's talking. Lex says he went through a self-destructive phase, almost let his father die, and is not trying to beat Papa at his own game. Too much, Lex! Save some for the date! She asks how that's going. "I terrorize meter maids," Lex says. Man, that red-headed guy has been so emasculated in this episode. Dr. Glasses says she drop-kicks orderlies, but was never an angry child. Whoa. They give each other the most Hetero Look of the Episode. Lex says he'll see her in class. She stops him. "I'm off in ten minutes," she says, "if you wanted to go do something." Lex smiles. Oh yes.

Kent kitchen. Pete walks in, neglects to shut the door behind him, and says he got Clark's "911." He carries a pager, too? They're back on the Tool Boy trail. Clark somehow got the kid's scholarship information from Lex. Clark notes that Tool Boy is taking classes at the community college at the same time he's taking high-school classes. Pete wonders how Tool Boy can make like the Olsen Twins. Clark says he doesn't care how; he just wants to make sure he's right about those pesky murder accusations. Pete says they won't get much help from Lana and Chloe. Clark gets a sneaky look and asks if Tool Boy carries a pager. Why, yes he does. He's from the mid-'90s.

Tool Boy goes up to Chloe's house. Her goofy dad -- who looks like a more aggressive and slimmer Tom Arnold -- greets the young time-traveling lad. Chloe's not home. Tool Boy's confused, because Chloe paged him to meet her there at 5:30. Last her dad heard, she was working late at The Torch. Ah, trickery! Tool Boy gets into his SUV as Clark watches in his inconspicuous bright red truck. Clark is so trying to look cool here.

Talon. Tool Boy sees Pete standing outside with a cup of coffee. He asks if Pete's seen Lana. Some guy in a letterman jacket is walking with a girl and has a football in his hands. Yes, excellent stage business, that. Tool Boy tells Pete he was paged. From the future. Pete says that something must have come up. Pete walks off. He dials Clark with a flip phone. He says that "Mr. Punctual" showed up. Clark answers on his own cell phone. When did he get a cell phone? Does he get anytime minutes? Did Catherine Zeta-Jones Douglas hook him up? (CZ-JD: Call me!) Clark calls Chloe at The Torch. Chloe's own cell phone rings. They have three different kinds of phones. Something tells me Smallville's attempt to get a corporate cell-phone sponsorship didn't work out.

Chloe sees who's calling and says, "Clark, give it a rest" to herself. Someone walks in, and without looking, Chloe says she'll be with Tool Boy in just a moment. We hear a throat clearing. It's Lana. She sputters and says she thought Lana was going home after her shift was over. Lana says they need to talk. About Tool Boy. Chloe sounds really nervous (she's the only one acting in this scene) and says that Tool Boy was supposed to come look over his article. Lana scoffs and asks if that's why Chloe's wearing a new blouse. Jealous? Chloe says this just got awkward. Lana says she knows about Chloe and Tool Boy through Clark. Chloe says that for a guy so concerned about privacy, Clark can't keep his mouth shut. Word. Lana says this isn't about Clark. "It's about us," she says. Love, love, LOVE! Chloe says she really likes Tool Boy and didn't want to hurt Lana's feelings. Lana says she was out with Tool Boy as well. He must take ginseng to keep that stamina up. "Making me 0 for 2 in the 'They Always Go For Lana Sweepstakes,'" Chlole says. Lana says Tool Boy's playing them both, and that she should have been honest. "Me too," Chloe says. Tool Boy walks in. Lame attempt to cover up their conversation. Tool Boy says he was looking for both of them. "The 2-for-1 special?" Chloe asks. She says they know. Tool Boy says he enjoyed being with the two smartest, prettiest girls in the school. He's...he's...crazy! He says the two of them together were almost his equal. Lana scoffs, as is her wont lately. Lana says that Clark tried to warn them about Tool Boy. He asks if that's why they paged him at the same time. Chloe says she never paged him. He closes the door. Locks it. They ask what he's doing. "Securing my future," he says. "Your futures, on the other hand, don't look so bright." He chases them, and they run. They can't take this scrawny guy? Doesn't one of them carry pepper spray? They run to the other door, but there's Tool Boy Too waiting. He asks them for a double date. They could chew Spearmint gum together. Commercials.

Torch again. Clark and Pete call out for Lana and Chloe. They missed out on the double-date offer. Pete sees text on Chloe's computer screen. "We've both been deceiving ourselves over [Tool Boy]." They're going to the dam to end their suffering. Clark says that Tool Boy wants to kill the girls to get to Clark. He's Clark's arch-nemesis now?

Damn. I mean, Dam. No, actually I do mean "Damn." Somebody from Kansas wrote to tell me she's never seen a dam in all of that state. The Two Tool Boys managed to get Chloe and Lana into an SUV without anyone seeing them and drive all the way to the dam without any kind of trouble. The Tool Boys grab them, pull them out of the SUV, and position them to the dam ledge. Chloe says that Tool Boy needs help. He says that's what he's doing: helping himself. Gawd. Chloe tries to fight back, but she's tackled and hits her head hard on the concrete. She's out. Lana yells for Chloe. Lana breaks free and runs. But she's caught. Tool Boy with Lana asks for help from Tool Boy with Chloe, who is carrying Chloe toward the dam's edge. "Be there in a sec!" he yells back. More struggling with Lana. Tool Boy with Chloe throws her over the edge. Clark superspeeds in, jumps over the ledge, and falls down, legs flailing. He's not flying. He didn't push himself off. He's just falling. Yet, somehow, the rules of gravity don't apply (did Clark wax his body to reduce air resistance?), and he falls faster than Chloe. This. Is. Lame. Clark lands on a bunch of leaves. He looks up and is able to catch Chloe just in time. I want to vomit. Tool Boy up on the bridge is like, "Wuh...? I studied so hard at math and science, and it's all bullshit?" Clark superspeeds back up, carrying Chloe. He puts her down. Tool Boy crabs a pipe and walks toward Clark as Tool Boy Too tries to throw Lana over the edge, but falls off himself. Lana's holding the bridge, he's holding Lana's legs. Clark checks Chloe's pulse and gets clocked in the back with the pipe. It doesn't hurt him. Clark throws Tool Boy thirty feet into a standing map. Lana struggles trying to hold on to the bridge one-handed. She yells for Clark. Clark grabs her hand just as her grasp slips. Her hand doesn't break at all. Tool Boy Too's grasp slips. He falls. Onto some leaves? Clark helps Lana up and resists grabbing her ass. He asks if she's fine. Wanna go help Chloe now?

Kent Farm at night. MamaKent is taking care of bills. Bo, on crutches, asks how Chloe and Lana are doing. Clark says they're shaken up. MamaKent asks if they saw Clark use his abilities. He says they were preoccupied with the Tool Boys. Bo chuckles as if it's fantastic. Bo says he thought they were done with bills that month. MamaKent says she was seeing if they could get along without her extra paycheck. She says she should stay on the farm. Bo has a heart-to-heart. He wasn't angry she wasn't there when he busted his damn leg up. He says that things have been different since she took the job. But he doesn't want her to quit. He says it seems sometimes that the Luthors take top priority, and he has to work through that. MamaKent says she likes her job, but that Clark and Bo will always come first. Bo chokes up with warm butter love.

Chloe's house. Lana is folding some clothes. Chloe asks how she's doing. She's a little freaked. Chloe says only she could fall for someone who splits himself in two. Chloe asks if she has a sign around her neck that says "Mutant magnet." "He fooled me too, Chloe," Lana says. "So much for our taste in guys," she says. Time to switch to...? If Birds of Prey goes off the air, this show will have to take up the lesbian-subtext torch. Lana says it only went so far because they weren't honest with each other. Lana is gonna do laundry and cook dinner. Chloe says that Lana's not a glorified guest, and doesn't have to. Lana says she has abandonment issues. Chloe says she went through that when her mom left. Chloe tells Lana she doesn't have to earn the right to be a part of the family. She just needs to share the bed. Smiles all around. Chloe gives house rules for slovenly living. Lana giggles. She has a much better time with Chloe than she does with Clark.

Clark is at the Talon. Pulsing music is playing. Chloe and Lana are at the bar wearing the same clothes they were in the last scene. Clark says he got their message. Chloe says they were up all night. Uh huh. Clark, Lana says, was the #1 topic of discussion. What time is it? Chloe apologizes for the way they've treated Clark, even though he used them as bait. Lana says that Clark warned them and they didn't listen. "You thought I was jealous," Clark says. Chloe says there's a lot of water under the bridge. Clark says he has issues with them, but that he'd never let anyone hurt them. "We know," Lana says. Clark says he finds it interesting that Tool Boy gets all the latitude in the world, but he just gets immediately dismissed. That's because you're in "The Friend Zone," Clark. Seriously. Get used to it. Chloe points out that Clark has been less than honest with them in the past. "You want honesty?" Clark asks. He says the truth is that he expected more from both of them. Lana counters: "We expected more from you." Ooh, good comeback. Lana says they made a mistake, but it was theirs to make. Everybody hurts. Chloe asks what they do now. Clark doesn't want to be treated like the jealous boyfriend. He points out that none of them have actually dated. (What about Spring Formal?) "You want to be friends, let's be friends," he says, throwing down the wuss gauntlet. Lana asks if that's what he really wants. "Yeah. It is," he says. Lana nods. Chloe just stares. "Good night," he says. He's here till Tuesday! Don't forget to tip your waitresses! Clark walks out into the night. He stands for a second looking oddly pleased. Camera pans up into the Talon marquee as Clark walks down the sidewalk and the sad music plays. Hey, the song was from A-Ha! A-Ha! I like it. That boy still has that falsetto going on.