In keeping with this week's episode theme, we're going to assign a kind of food to each scene. Don't worry. It'll all make sense.
We start up on a glass house (don't throw stones!) with a sign that reads "Melville Nursery." A guy we can assume is Mr. Melville walks up to the entrance wearing a big puffy brown vest/coat over a flannel shirt. He waves at an extra as he passes, because he's just that damned friendly. Cut to inside the greenhouse, where someone with work gloves is holding a carrot and messing with some greens. Papa Melville, a doughy balding man, walks in and sees his daughter, who is wearing a purple sweater hardly designed for gardening, as she plucks out little kryptonite stones from the soil. What does she think, that Lana dropped her necklace in there or something? How does she think these glowing, humming stones are normal? Daddy Melville tells the girl that if she's not in the mood for spaghetti, he can order Thai. They have Thai food in Smallville? Right. Because it's so ethnic. The girl says she doesn't want either: She wants to look good for Lana's birthday party. Dad tells her she's focusing a little too much on the one party. The girl, who will be known later on in the episode as "Cellulita" because she sucks the fat out of people (sorry if I ruined the surprise for you), is shown spinning around to face her dad for the first time and GOOD GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER NECK!?! The poor actress is wearing a fat suit, and it looks like her neck is trying to eat the rest of her. And her body doesn't look as overweight as that neck would imply. Cellulita says nobody likes her, and why should they: "I'm a cow." She's not going to eat any more food, "just this," she says, picking up a bushel of carrots. What, carrots aren't food? Don't tell Bugs Bunny. He'll be pissed. Dad looks very worried. He examines some soil in a bucket where a glowing piece of kryptonite lies. This scene was a dry sandwich, no mayo.
The offices of The Torch. Cellulita is cutting out pictures from magazines, pasting copies of photos of her face on the bodies of models. And who among us has not done that? Right now, my head is pasted onto Jack Black's body on my desktop. At one point, Cellulita seems to take particular pleasure cutting off the head of a swimsuit model. The WB just got a cease-and-desist letter from Sports Illustrated. Chloe, whose hairflip has calmed to the point where she doesn't spontaneously fly away, comes up to Cellulita. "Cutting the heads off supermodels," she snarks. "Kinda redundant, isn't it?" You mean like Chloe and a pair of scissors being in the same room? Cellulita says that she was looking for an outfit to wear to the party. A bikini? Chloe asks if Cellulita can give her and Pete an "algebra download." Cellulita asks, from deep within her neck, if Clark doesn't usually help them with that. Pete says that Clark is preoccupied helping the birthday girl with her party prep. He does a little dance when he says that, and Cellulita jigs right along. It must be love. To sweeten the download deal, Chloe purrs, "We'll even buy you luuuunch." God, Chloe can be so cruel. That scene was an apple that started out kinda sweet, but then you find a dead worm that choked on its own vomit inside.
Lunch. Cellulita is pouring a nasty concoction out of a metal thermos that looks like one of the nastier Odwalla green things that I don't dare try. (Although I do swear by their "Mo' Beta" juice.) "That looks…appetizing," Pete says, looking as if he's about to yarf. Chloe looks grossed out. "Losing weight is never pretty," Cellulita says, and as she does, the vibration of the vocal cords reverberating under her huge fake neck sends a rumble through the lunchroom. Two guys walk up to the three of them and ask Pete if he wants to join their pick-me-up game of b-ball. Yeah, sure, ask the black man. I see how you are, The WB. The lead b-ball guy says that of course, that's unless he wants to keep whale-watching. This guy is so not a prize to be talking like that. He's wearing a very femme-looking orange sweater, and his eyes are so beady that he's in danger of somebody trying to make a bracelet out of his eyeballs. And his name's "Dustin." Has there ever been a nice guy named "Dustin"? Cellulita darts her eyes and looks scared, mostly because the fake neck is cutting off her oxygen supply. Pete tells the guy to back off. "I didn't know you were a chubby chaser," MeanDustin tells Pete. He bounces the basketball and it hits the drink thermos, spilling kryptodwalla all over Cellulita. She looks humiliated and walks off. "You'd think someone that big would have thicker skin," MeanDustin says. Pete "grrrrrs," grabs the ball, and clocks the dude right on the side of the face. Nice! That's right! He's a righteous black man, The WB! "You'd think someone that stupid would have a thicker head," Chloe vamps, but it's not nearly as satisfying as the basketball clocking. Pete and Chloe walk off and are remarkably not chased by the hooligans. This scene was a delicious, thirst-quenching sports drink.
A blender. The nastiest-looking kryptonite shake (and I've seen plenty) is blending away in Cellulita's kitchen. How the hell do you make a smoothie out of rocks? Her dad looks on disapprovingly. "Starving yourself isn't the way," he says. Self-loathing is the way. At least she put a banana in the blender. That makes it a little better. Cellulita says she's tired of counting calories and watching her meals and inflating her neck every day. "You can't just stop eating," Dad says. "It's not healthy." She pours her nasty-ass shake into a glass. "You're already beautiful," he says. Best Smallville dad ever. "Just like your mother." Cellulita busts right through that: She says that she isn't, because Mom wasn't fat. That scene was an indigestion-inducing piece of spoiled mango.
Cellulita goes to the bathroom and -- NO! Not Dido! Dido is playing. Oh, man, this girl needs help. As the music plays and the producers of Roswell get even madder, she steps on a scale after checking herself out in the mirror. The digital scale goes to 168. Then suddenly, she feels a sharp pain and her stomach gurgles. Is it the Dido? She lifts her shirt to reveal a belly that is not fat. That neck must be lonely, because the rest of her body is fine. Her belly groans some more, in tune with the music, and when she gets off the scale, she looks in the mirror and sees that her neck prosthetic is gone. She pats her face and her body, then gets back on the scale. It starts back up at 168, then starts going down quickly, finally settling at 139. Cellulita looks into one of those magnifying mirrors and gazes at herself in wonder. "Don't slide," Dido sings, "Don't sliiiiiiide." Yeah, don't slide on that fake neck lying on the floor. This scene was pure turkey stuffing.
Opening credits, commercials. If liking Victoria's Secret ads is wrong…well…I'm a wrong, wrong man.
Stately Luthor Manor. Sexy Lex is hiking it on a treadmill when a guy in a suit stops him, saying that his heart could go on forever, it seems. Yes, Lex's heart could go on forever. As long as Clark is around. The doctor in the suit tells Lex that he seems healthy enough, except for one thing: An elevated white cell count. "Like leukemia?" Lex asks. Not likely. He never gets sick. He's asked if he has allergies. Nope. He's only had asthma, and that went away the day he lost his hair in the meteor shower. Lex sits down in his office chair and starts sucking on one of his blu botols of fancy water. We see two other bottles sitting on the desk, spent. The doctor says that ordinarily, he'd order a bunch of tests, but that this is common in Smallville. Lex asks why, and is told it might because of pollution from the Luthors' fertilizer plant. Lex says that's not likely. "Let's order those tests," Lex says, and walks swiftly out of the room. What else could this scene taste like but pure beefsteak?
House of Lana. Inside, Nasty Nell and some lady pass by a vase of sunflowers, just like the ones Lex killed in last week's episode. The woman is a party planner, and she asks Nell what she thinks of a three-tiered birthday cake. Good Lord. Somebody call Lorelai Gilmore. Lana is sitting with Clark, The Anti-Fat, at a table. She thanks him for the lifeline. Wow, that would have been a nice cultural reference two years ago. Clark says it's just a midterm; he didn't pull her out of a burning building. I smell something burning, all right: Roasted cheese. Nasty Nell interrupts them, asking what kind of balloons Lana would like. Nell suggests white, just like the one she's holding in her hand, pre-inflated. Lana "whatevers" her, and she and Clark bolt from the house. It's revealed that the party will be at Stately Luthor Manor. Lana complains (because that's what she's here for) that the party isn't really hers anymore. As usual, Nell is being painted to look like an ogre. Just then, Jock Whitney pulls up in his 54th truck, and avoids wrecking it this time. He gets out and tells Lana he's getting to try out for Kansas State's football team. He says he may not go because it conflicts with Lana's big party. She tells him it's not important, and even has Clark back her up that they were just talking about that. "Scout's honor," says Clark, lamely. Jocko and Lana kiss. Clark rolls his eyes around his superhead and says, "I'll catch up with you guys later." He gets ignored like the wuss that he is. The scene was green, envious sprouts doused in butter.
At school. Chloe, Clark, and Sneaky Pete are walking, and Pete tells Clark that this is the perfect opportunity to make his move -- as Lana's escort to her own party. "Hi Pete!" we hear, and it's Cellulita, minus the neck. Pete can't believe his eyes. "You look…" he begins. "Thinner?" she finishes. Yeah. And she's wearing quite the tight top, too. Clark asks if she's okay. "My diet's just started to pay off," she says. She tells them she bought some new clothes. She thanks Pete for sticking up for her the day before. Then Cellulita asks if Pete has a date for Lana's party. Pete just stands there, smiling. He can't believe The WB is letting him go on a date. Clark pokes Pete in the back and says, "No, he's still free." Cellulita asks Pete if he'd like to go with her. Pete smiles even bigger and it's amazingly adorable, but he still can't speak. Clark pokes him in the back. "He'd love to," Clark says. Yeah, Clark's pretty smooth when it's not Lex or Lana involved. Cellulita, pleased, takes off. Pete turns around, totally agog. "I don't get it!" Chloe says. Pete looks hard and defensive for a moment. "Women dig me," he says, "Get used to it." That was super-cute, I will admit. "No, it looks like she lost all that weight overnight," Chloe says. Clark smiles and says something lame about half the school wanting that secret if it were true. Clark, Cellulita is the first non-anorexic person I've seen on this show. Just what are you babbling about? The scene was a sweet peanut butter truffle with a bad aftertaste at the end.
Kent House. Lana walks in to the Kent home and is greeted by Bo Duke, who asks, while pouring coffee, "Would you like a latte?" Hearing Bo Duke say "latte" is just wrong. Lana declines, saying it gives her bad waitressing flashbacks. Impressive recall of a past episode. Instead, she's here to put in her produce order before her big bash. Because you know all the kids love eating those radishes. Just then, Clark walks in carrying three bushels of heavy-looking fruit. He doesn't see Lana and talks on about how he got a post planted by busting through some granite. Everyone stops. "Very impressive," Lana says finally, after Clark notices she's there. "I had a sledgehammer," he says. Don't let Lex hear you say that, boy. Bo Duke excuses himself. Lana and Clark go to the other room, but MamaKent stays in the frame, so we see her react to the following dumb proceedings. Much small talk. Then, finally, "If you want, I could be your escort on Saturday," Clark offers. MamaKent perks up, her lips puckering into a soul-sucking, infinitesimal "o." Lana looks serious and in pain for a moment. "You know…so I can fend off your throngs of adoring fans," Clark says. You know, I was pretty lame in high school, but even without superpowers to hobble me, I was never that lame. At least I don't remember being so. MamaKent looks highly amused. Her pucker grows wider. Lana says, "Sure," and MamaKent can't believe her son, the dork, got a date. Lana excuses herself quickly, because she wants to remember what he said so she can post it all over the forums and let her friends mock it. "And Clark," she says before leaving, "promise me you'll make it this time." "I promise," Clark says. Bad move, superdude. As soon as she leaves, MamaKent mocks Clark's mack technique. "What's wrong with that?" he asks. "Nothing. I just don't want to see you get hurt," she says. Hurt by his raging dorkitude. "We're just friends," Clark says unconvincingly. MamaKent says she's butting out, but then her butt is right back up in there when she asks what Clark is getting Lana for her birthday. He's super, but not that super. He doesn't know. "My mother always said, the best gifts come from the heart," MamaKent tells him. "That's it!" Clark thinks, "An aorta!" This scene was a big hunk of Brie with some mold on the back end.
Cellulita's blender of kryptonite Jamba Juice. Her dad walks in and sees her making the shake. He asks if she's okay. She says she's super, thanks for asking, and that she even got a date to Lana's party. "That's great," Dad says, and really seems to mean it. What a dad. He asks her to eat something other than the shake, and she surprisingly agrees, saying she's tired of counting calories. Dad leaves, late for an engagement. Cellulita drinks the shake. , we see her on the bathroom scale. She starts at 149. Pauses around the 130s. Her belly groans and flattens. She ends up down at 115. We pan up to her face, which is angular and with eyes that are starting to look hollow. She smiles and then, realizing she's hella hungry, goes to the kitchen. From inside the fridge, we see her eating everything in sight. We even have to jump-cut because damn, this girl can eat. Chicken. Bread. Potato salad. Chips. Pie. A Ding-Dong. She goes to the counter and starts munching there too. Fast-paced music plays as she wreaks havoc. This is a binge, right? At one point, she opens a Jell-O cup with her teeth and squeezes it all into her mouth. Yes! I bet this actress was so pissed that they made her eat all that. She finally stops eating and falls to the floor, her stomach groaning and moaning. She starts to look scared. Cellulita is going down. The floor: Littered with groceries. We see the blender with the green shake stuff in it in the foreground as Cellulita sits on the tile, panting. She gets up, grabs the blender, and flings it against the wall, where it shatters and sprays green goo everywhere. She bends over, her stomach still making noises. This scene was an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord.
An SUV driving in the rain. You just know there's going to be an accident. Cellulita is driving, munching on fast food and slurping on a Coke as she goes down the road. As she rounds a corner, an exceptionally shiny (read: CGI) deer walks into the road. She screams. I scream. The deer, presumably, screams internally. The SUV hits the deer, cracking the windshield. The car spins around. Somewhere, a Smallville car dealer and an insurance broker are smiling in their sleep. Cellulita sits there, stunned. Her headlights are facing the fallen deer. Music pumps up in super-fast speed. Cellulita walks out in the rain. She goes to the deer and as her stomach groans, she falls on her knees in front of it. She grimaces and then, good God! Her mouth stretches down about four feet like Alec Baldwin's did in Beetlejuice and she bends down and starts eating the damn deer! This is the part where I yelled "Ew!" at the TV set. We crane-shot the hell out of there as she chows down. Do you even have to ask what this scene tasted like? Venison, of course.
The Fortress of Dorkitude. Clark The Stalker is watching Lana and Jocko through his telescope. Jocko gives Lana a book, and she throws her arms around him and gives him some LanaLove for the sweet gesture. Does it matter that he gave it to her upside-down and that the book is in German? Oh, sure, it's fine. Strummy crap rock plays as Clark looks all conflicted and upset. He wants to laser-vision Jocko into oblivion. Why do you torture yourself so, my non-cape-wearing superboy? Clark is adjusting his knobs (on the telescope) when we hear Chloe say, "Getting your morning Lana fix?" For once, I'm glad to see her. Clark, taken aback and incredibly defensive, asks if she ever knocks. "It's a barn, Clark," she says simply. Okay, two points for Chloe. Chloe enjoys her little moment in the "embarrassing Clark" spotlight and then launches into the reason she's early: a car ran into a deer. Clark is underwhelmed by this news. Lana whips out the morning paper and says that the deer was hit at 60 mph, but that the cause of death is unknown. Clark, in a universe unto himself, says he'd love to go over theories, but he has chores to do. Chloe looks crestfallen. Clark adds that he hasn't gotten a gift for Lana yet. Chloe offers to help him with his gift if he uses his pull at Animal Control (he works on a farm, remember) to find out some dirt about the very dead deer. Clark agrees, because he's a weak, weak person. Clark says he wants to get Lana something unique, but Chloe asks that it not be as unique as what Clark got Chloe last year. Sadly, we don't get to hear what that was. This scene, by the way, was pure hickory-smoked Butterball turkey.
At Animal Control, Clark has used his amazing influence to ask where to find a bathroom. He and Chloe skulk down the hall, Twin Peaks-style, to find the dead deer. The fluorescent lights aren't flickering, at least. They find the deer behind a locked door, and while Chloe goes to find someone in maintenance, Clark breaks the doorknob. He plays it off that the door was already broken when Chloe comes back. He attributes it to "Kent charm." Kent charm works on knobs? That I believe. Clark lifts the sheet, which is kind of comical being that it's lying over a deer, and Chloe positions her digital camera. "Looks like jerky," Clark says, grimacing. Yum. Chloe picks up a chart with a lab report which says that the deer lost 80 percent of its body fat. Damn that Jenny Craig and her Slim Yourself To Jerky diet! Chloe says it's like it was liposuctioned to death. Somewhere in Hollywood, Joan Rivers's ears are burning. Clark suggests, jokingly, that it was a fat-sucking vampire. Now Cher's got hot ears. Chloe says this is Smallville, "land of the weird, home of the strange." This scene brought to you by delicious Slim Jims.
Keys tapping on a computer. A Web browser window. The URL www.smallvilletorch.com is typed in. Synergistic product placement much? The typer turns out to be Lex at the computer, sipping on some orange juice. Oh, I get it. They're comparing his future evil rampage to that of O.J. Nice symbolism. At first he's on a page that asks you to choose your zodiac sign for your own personal horoscope (shades of Cassandra from last week's episode?) and then it takes him to The Torch's site, where there's a headline about Smallville being the strangest town ever, as well as an article about the most controversial speech ever given in the town and some assorted ads. Lex gives the page a long, hard look. In my heart of hearts, I pretend that he's looking at this page and feeling some sort of connection. Yes, fine, I'm weak. This scene was a big, tasty ice cream sundae with sprinkles. But no cherry on top.
Cellulita's bathroom of body-image shame. Dad is knocking outside the door, asking if she's okay. Inside, we see photos of Cellulita and her father in happier times. He says, through the door, that he has to go to Metropolis on business. Nursery business? Is there a sick elm in the city or something? He says he's sorry he's going to miss her big date because he'll be gone until Sunday. "It's okay," she tells him, trying to sound bright. We're still panning across photos of the two of them, as well as a few pictures of Cellulita's head pasted onto models' bodies. He asks if he can at least see her before she leaves. She says she's "kinda indecent" right now. Like Britney Spears. Dad looks very worried and says that maybe they need to talk to someone. He doesn't get specific, but at least he's concerned. Cellulita says she doesn't need a shrink. "I just want you to look in the mirror and be happy," he says. We finally see her. She looks thin, but sad. So it goes. "Daddy. I am," Cellulita says. Dad leaves, and she stares at a picture of the two of them in less lean times. As she gets emotional, we do a quick jump-cut back and reveal that the absolutely huge bathroom is covered with food all over the floor -- pizza boxes, snacks, and the like. This scene is pure comfort food: mashed potatoes and a chicken-fried steak.
Stock footage shot of Smallville High. Take that damn "Fly to Victory" banner down already. Ha! Lex is in the offices of The Torch, looking at a news clipping of a man holding a two-foot carrot. He's practically licking the newsprint, he's so close to it. "Most of my friends are trying to get out of high school," we hear Clark say from behind. He's trying to be charming like Lex, but clearly it's not working. Okay, slash fans: Set your phasers to "Gay." Lex turns around, smiling, of course. He says he wants to pitch in a computer lab to the school. He's standing to the Wall of Weird. "They might even name a lunch special after you," Clark jokes. The question you have to ask yourself, Clark, is would you eat it? Clark asks why Lex is around. He says he's always hearing about his plant manager Gabe's daughter, the reporter for the newspaper, and our beloved flippy-haired girl, Chloe. Lex says he's intrigued by the Wall, and Clark moseys right on over, because he might be losing Lex's affection to an inanimate collection of news and photos. He explains Chloe's theory that everything weird in the town started with the meteor shower. "Interesting theory," Lex says. Lex asks if Clark remembers where he was during the meteor storm. Clark says he doesn't, because he wasn't adopted yet. Not really a lie, when you think about it. Lex explains about his helicopter ride and how he was out in a field and didn't remember anything until he was in the hospital, completely bald. Man, Lex could be reading a list of his least favorite insects and I'd still be hanging on his every word. Lex says he doesn't tell many people that story, and that he walked away from death. "I'm sorry," Clark lames. "It's not your fault," Lex says. This is like the fifth person to tell Clark that. Stop apologizing, ya superwuss! Lex says that when he was younger, kids thought he was a freak or on chemo. But over time, he saw his baldness as a blessing, a sign of power and definition. And virility. Don't forget the virility. Lex tells Clark that he thinks his future will be brighter than the rich spoiled brat that walked into the cornfield. Clark smiles at Lex. Awwww. Chloe walks in, interrupting, and calls him "Mr. Luthor." He asks her to call him Lex, shakes her hand, and brings up her meteor theory. Lex asks if anyone else shares her idea. She says Dr. Hamilton does, but Clark points out that this Dr. Hamilton, whom we haven't met yet, also sells plastic meteor chips to tourists. Lex tells Chloe to call when she wants a summer job. He's got friends (one blackmailed friend, at least) at the Inquisitor newspaper. "I'll see you tomorrow," Lex tells Clark, giving him a lecherous up-and-down look. Lex says he heard that Clark is escorting Lana. "We're just going as friends," Clark says for the billionth time. Lex wishes him luck and hopes he got her a good gift. "Yeah," Clark says under his breath, clearly under pressure to deliver the goods. Summer sausage taste.
School. Pete goes up to Cellulita, who looks nervous, and asks if she's okay. She says she's fine, but has a stomach flu and can't keep anything down. Pete continues to worry and says that if she feels too sick to go with him to the party, he'll understand. Aw, we love you, Sneaky Pete. Cellulita smiles and says, "I wouldn't miss this for the world." Maybe for a bag of Cheetos, but not for the world. She walks away. She backs against a wall when her stomach starts gurgling again. She runs into Dustin, who tells her he's been watching her and that hitting the gym was a good idea. "You should take your own advice," she says lamely. Yeah, I guess he is a little paunchy. Then she bends over in pain. "You okay?" he asks, all of a sudden concerned about her well-being because she's skinny now. "I'm just a little hungry," she says. "Huh," he answers, eyes still beady and wee. Cellulita opens her coat, and Dustin just stares at her rack. "You, uh, like what you see?" she asks. She lures him by telling him that if he wants, he can see a little more. She's becoming a total succubus! MeanDustin, by the way, looks like he's got a permanent case of the "Wha?"s. This scene tastes like chocolate-covered strawberries, overripe.
Talky talky Clark and Lana scene on the benches. Lana is reading the book Jocko gave her, Confederacy of Dunces. Ah, I do so love the story of the UPN. It is revealed that sometimes Jocko surprises Lana with his sweetness, and that Lana is giving up control of her party to Nasty Nell. Clark asks if Lana has ever had a good birthday because she seems so anti. She says she did. When her parents were alive, they took her to a drive-in and there were Bugs Bunny cartoons before the movie. She got to sit in the front seat and felt all grown up. You know, before they became a cushion for an earth-bound meteorite. Much silly grinning from Clark. I taste cotton candy.
As Clark and Lana talk, we see Cellulita and MeanDustin walking by the bleachers and down toward the boiler room of the stadium. They're holding hands and all giggly. Poor Sneaky Pete. Cellulita takes off her jacket, thrusting her chest forward as Dustin gets all bad boy on her, saying nobody's going to see them. He comes up from behind her and starts trying to unbutton her pants. He asks if she really thought he meant that stuff when he said she was -- "Fat?" she interrupts. He does a Butthead "huh huh" at that. Cellulita guides his hands to her zipper as she tells him that he called her names and made her cry. He's not even listening right now. He's got "I did it all for the nookie!" playing on an endless loop in his head. "Wishing I was dead rather than fat," she says, and now I'm all sad. "Well, what can I say?" MeanDustin says, with his stupid smile still on his face. "You can say you're sorry," Cellulita tells him. She turns around and does her huge gaping maw face as suspenseful music plays. MeanDustin finally stops smiling. The taste of sour grapes pervades the scene.
Outside, Clark is walking along with the show's theme song in his head when he superhears a cry for help. He walks toward the boiler room as foreboding music plays. He uses his X-ray vision and sees two skeletal figures inside struggling for supreme control of the anatomy class skeleton stand. He rushes inside at blur speed, kicking open the door as he goes. He stops and does this hilarious look-see pause at the middle of the stairs, like he thinks he's Secret Agent Man. He passes by some ominous-looking yellow pipes. Someone (Cellulita) turns a wheel, and steam suddenly shoots out at Clark. I thought she was hungry, not homicidal. Clark just reaches out nonchalantly and twists the thin pipe so it's facing up. Somewhere, Lex just got an itch. Clark is suddenly grabbed by the shoulder from behind. He throws the hand off and then gets a good look. It's MeanDustin. Only he's been sucked of all fat and now he's…TOM PETTY! "Help…me…" he moans. And then he starts singing "Free Fallin'." Clark looks grossed out. We go to commercial. This scene was a SlimFast shake.
A mailbox on a country road. "Hamilton," a mailbox reads. A fireworks-looking stand reads "Meteor rocks $5." A sleek black car pulls down the road and into the driveway. The plates say "LX LTHR." Lex, in a gray shirt and black blazer, gets out of the car and spies a decrepit barn. He goes inside, and it's a dark maze of anatomy charts, test tubes, and kryptonite rocks. Lex reaches out to touch one and hears a loud, "Ah! Don't touch that! They're sterile and you're not me." Sterility has never stopped Lex before. We see only the third black character ever on Smallville (the first two being Pete and the friend-date he had a few episodes back who got no lines), and it's Joe Morton! Good old Joe Morton, from T2 and countless other movies. Love for Joe Morton. Lex apologizes and calls him "Dr. Hamilton." "Ugh," Hamilton says, "you don't have a website, do you?" He explains that the people who try to track him down are "freaks with Web sites." I can't imagine what he means. Lex introduces himself and offers to shake hands with Hamilton, who has cool little mini-dreads sticking out of his head like he's Björk. Hamilton calls Lex "the billionaire's son" and says that most mineralogists don't have fans. Lex says that most mineralogists didn't handle the first Apollo moon rocks. Oh, Joe Morton's not that old, is he? Hamilton tries to look busy while Lex talks. He says that they have something in common: They were both kicked out of Metropolis University. Lex tells Hamilton that he thinks a medical condition he has is attributable to the meteors. Lex offers to fund some research and gives Hamilton his best lazy/sexy eyes. "My funding is private and so is my research," Hamilton says, laughing it all off. Lex says the money comes from tourists. "If you are so interested in meteorites, here, take one," Hamilton says, handing Lex a kryptonite rock. Hamilton is almost as cool and charismatic as Lex. Hamilton says he's not for sale. Lex says he's available if Hamilton changes his mind. I foresee future greatness between these two. This scene is a Philly cheese steak.
Chloe and Clark in the lunchroom. Chloe called the hospital -- MeanDustin went into shock from the loss of fat. But they hooked him up to a Ben & Jerry's Machine. Chloe tells Clark that if he hadn't been there, the mean boy would have died. Nobody seems too broken up about that idea. Clark can't figure out why someone would steal body fat. "It takes eating disorders to a whole new level," Chloe says. They come upon skinny Cellulita, who is totally chowing down on her lunch. Quite rudely, Chloe and Clark stare at her until she's so embarrassed that she gets up to leave. That's the problem right there, not her kryptonite shakes. Clark, by the way, drinks his carton of milk through a straw. That's just wrong. After Cellulita leaves, Chloe asks, "What was that about?" Clark doesn't know, but he realizes he's late to meet Lana. "I gotta fly," he says. Jeez. He says he's figured out Lana's gift and it's not a gift certificate. Chloe takes one of Cellulita's snacks after Clark leaves. This scene was a baked potato with extra hammy bacon.
Stately Luthor Manor. Balloons and decorations are being put up. Lex walks up to Lana, who's leaning over a rail upstairs, and asks what she thinks. They agree the party is not her at all. Lex asks about Jocko. Lana explains that someone fell out of the try-outs for K State, leaving an opening. "I know," Lex says mysteriously. He gives Lana a look. "Your aunt told me!" he explains. Uh huh. "I like your new escort better," Lex says, his smoldering eyes at half mast. Is it? Could it be? Ah yes. It is The Gayest Look Of The Episode. Lex stops just short of saying that Clark is "FAB-ulous!" Lex tells Lana to have fun at the party. This scene was entirely for the purposes of Lex marking his territory and making sure Lana knows not to get too attached to his man. Food for this scene? Clearly, a kielbasa.
House of Kent. Clark is rushing downstairs, waiting for MamaKent to iron his blue shirt. She tells him to relax. For once, he won't be late. She asks about Clark's gift for Lana. He says he had help from Lex, but won't reveal his bounty. MamaKent scoffs and says he'd better learn how to iron. Can't he just use steam breath or something? Chloe walks in. She says she has something for Clark to look at. "Why aren't you dressed?" he asks her. Ouch. She does have clothes on. I guess Clark knows more about high fashion than she does. Chloe shows a slip of paper for repairs to a car -- Cellulita's accident with the deer. Chloe spells it all out for Clark until they both make all the connections elementary-my-dear-Watson-style and realize -- PETE! He's in danger! This scene is definitely fast food, probably a bean and cheese burrito.
Cellulita's bathroom of doom. She's got on a tight red dress and rrrrooooowwwrr. Er, excuse me. She's got hair tendrils coming down and is lookin' mighty fine. Man, now I'm part of the problem. "Perfect," she says, looking into a mirror. Pete's at the door. He's in a suit, carrying flowers. "Whoa. Hi," he says when she answers it. "Perfect flowers for a perfect date," he says. Awww. Our little Sneaky Pete is growing up so fast! As they leave, Cellulita starts getting bad stomach pains. Pete offers to take her to the hospital. She looks a bit like Nicole Kidman when she grimaces. "I just need to eat," she says. She groans from the stomach again, and as Pete tries to help her, she throws off his hand and runs back inside. "You'll always been good to me, Pete," she says, "Go away!" Pete looks suitably stunned and ineffectual. Go to commercial. How funny is it that there's a Wendy's commercial for a bacon Swiss burger? The scene was a roast chicken that leaves you with heartburn.
Pete goes into the house, breaking and entering for about the billionth time. Did she not even lock the door? He goes around calling Cellulita's name, looking for her. She calls out, telling him to get away. The house is all dark and creepy. Cellulita says she doesn't want to hurt Pete. He says she couldn't hurt him, and finds her curled up on the kitchen floor. She tells him to leave again. Then she gets up, and she's got that hungry look, and not the sexual kind. Her stomach growls terribly. She lunges for Pete and throws him on the ground. He conks his head on the tile and loses consciousness. She straddles him on the floor, and her mouth opens up huge in silhouette. Just then, the front door opens as Clark does his thing. Cellulita runs out as Clark enters. He finds Pete on the ground, moaning. Our hero goes outside. He superspeeds to the greenhouse. As he enters, he sees kryptonite everywhere and all kinds of purple and green fluorescence. As he's looking around and getting weak, he gets slammed in the back with a shovel. Hasn't he been shoveled around before? "Why can't you leave me alone?" Cellulita asks. Clark tells her that she's sick and needs help. She smacks him around some more, and finally in the head, sending him through some glass. Where are your superpowers now, Clark? Bwa ha ha ha. Cellulita raises the shovel one last time, but before she strikes the final blow, she sees herself in some shards of unusually mirrory glass. She sees how ugly the hate has made her and feels bad about herself all over again. "I know how to stop this for good," she says, and shovels a gas line until it bursts. Then she hits the light panel, sending sparks flying. "Wait!" Clark says, but too late. The building explodes with them in it. Boom. Flames. Fire. Roasted marshmallows.
Pete stumbles out of the house, holding his hand to the back of his head where he got floored. He's wearing a little gold bow tie! He rushes over to where the fire has already died down. There, he finds Clark and Cellulita. "Is she okay?" Pete asks. Clark says they need to get her to a hospital. We pan back up to the smoldering greenhouse. Way to put Dad out of business, Cellulita. This scene was leftover pizza.
Lana's party. She's outside, looking sad and lonely. Lex comes out to see how she's doing. The music sucks, so maybe that's why she's outside. Lex sympathizes. He says he spent eighteen years of Luthor Christmas parties hiding in the cloak room. Those years don't seem to add up. He was twenty-two and still in the closet? I don't think so. Lana says she's waiting for reinforcements. "I know Clark. He'll be here," Lex says. Lana doesn't look convinced. "It's just a birthday," she says. Notice how they never say how old she is. This scene is stale one-layer cake.
Kent house. MamaKent and Bo Duke want to know what happened. Clark explains it all, including that Pete has a migraine and that Cellulita is on her way to Metropolis General hospital. MamaKent says she's sorry about the party. Clark is bummed. "I can't believe I let her down," he says. What time is it? Wouldn't the party still be going on? Book your superass over there, man! Bo Duke offers lame-ass platitudes about making choices and how sometimes you have to make sacrifices. "Like Lana?" Clark asks. MamaKent agrees, saying sometimes yes. Clark is not destined to do it all for the nookie. He gets up suddenly. Bo Duke asks where he's going. "I don't have to sacrifice everything," he says. This scene? A big Pepperidge Farm cheese log.
Lex in his office. He's opening a letter from a Dr. Vargas in Metropolis. Incidentally, the zip code for Metropolis starts with "666." And the doctor is on "Alma Street." "Alma" is Spanish for "soul." Lex reads the letter and doesn't seem surprised. He crumples it up. This scene was a tiny cheese and cracker appetizer.
Hamilton's lair. Lex walks in. "Back for more rocks?" Hamilton asks. Lex says he has a clean bill of health. And then, much like he did in his encounter with the wayward reporter, Lex puts the screws to this guy. Turns out Hamilton got kicked out of the university for getting a little too close to a student. "I wonder if the Smallville police have you registered," Lex asks. Suddenly, Hamilton looks interested. "Get out," Hamilton says. Lex hands him an envelope. "I don't believe in the past. I believe in the power to reinvent yourself," Lex tells him. Lex says he believes in vindication. In the envelope: a check for $100,000. "What you're looking for…could take years," Hamilton says. Lex leans in: "I'm a patient man." Hamilton asks why a billionaire's son is so interested in some rocks from the sky. "I save that story for the people I trust," Lex says. Clark? Are your ears burning? This scene was a thick, juicy burger with lots of ketchup.
Lana's house. Clark lamely tries to hit her window with some pebbles without knocking the damn structure down. Lana answers, but not before Enrique Iglesias sings in his little tiny quavering voice about asking a girl to dance. "Kinda missed cocktail hour," Lana says. Clark apologizes. "I told you I stopped believing in happy birthdays a long time ago," she says. Clark says he knows he blew it, but wants to give her a present. "When?" she asks. Clark smiles. "Now." In spite of herself, Lana smiles. Pure taffy.
A movie projector is rolling. Clark and Lana are in the front seat of a car, eating popcorn and drinking sodas from actual movie soda cups. "Lana?" Clark asks. She looks to him. "Happy birthday," he tells her. She shushes him. They're both giggly. We pan back to show Lana and Clark in a blue truck, watching a movie projected on a sheet on the side of the barn. It's a Bugs Bunny cartoon. It ends, and the Warner Bros. "That's All Folks" synergizes us out of the episode. "I…can be…your hero," Enrique warbles, playing us out. It's that "Hero" song. Man, all these playful elements. I just can't take it all. This is a sweet, but ultimately tummy-ache inducing, cheese Danish.
week: A rerun. But we'll soon see more kryptonite villains. You can bet on it.