Hourglass

First off, a shout-out to the folks in the editorial issues thread in the Feedback forum. If you spot any typos in this recap, they're directly attributable to the turkey gravy I just spilled all over my keyboard. Misspellicious.

I'll admit it. I'm a little excited. The preview for this episode was good and creepy and it looks like someone close to Clark Kent may die. We can only hope it's Chloe.

The episode begins with a shot of a bridge over a likely troubled pond. (Wanna make a bet whether there's kryptonite in there?) We cut to a shot of a big, old building with tons of columns in the front. It looks a bit like Lara Croft's house. Inside, as hospital-sounding voices float through a P.A. system, our wussy superhero (I like to call him "Man of Steel Magnolias") is walking down the hall with Sneaky Pete. Clark has a name tag on his blue jacket, which he's, of course, wearing over a red sweater with a white undershirt peeking through above the collar. Pete, passing an old man with a walker, asks how Clark talked him into this. Clark says they're required to do thirty hours of community service for their school. Did every student at Smallville High spraypaint a building or something? Pete says they could have done their mandatory time as lifeguards, watching the babes at the Y. Now, Pete, you know better than to win an argument with Clark by bringing babes into the equation. That's like trying to win an argument with a vegetarian by throwing beef jerky at him. "...instead of hanging out with the denture crowd," Pete finishes, his discomfort with the elderly clearly evident, and the snark of Chloe following him like a stinkcloud. Pete asks what's the attraction of being at the old folks' home. Just then, Lana Lang appears from a doorway. She says hi. Clark slyly says he didn't know Lana volunteered there. "Yeah, right," Pete mumbles, and Clark gives him a subtle elbow. Only, if this were true to Clark's strength, Pete would be flying through a window right now. Lana says she's been volunteering for weeks. Clark says he's reading with a woman named Cassandra. "She's an interesting woman," Lana says. "Some of the nurses say she can see the future." Which nurse would that be? Nurse Exposition? Clark and Pete exchange a look. Pete points his finger around a little, with no real direction or purpose. If Lex were doing that, you know we'd all be at attention right now.

Cut to a very old woman reading Braille out of a book. Only, it looks as if her finger is lighting up the page as she runs it across the page, like she's E.T. We pan up to her face, and she is, indeed, old. She's got that skull-mouth thing where her jaw juts out. She's wearing these huge dark glasses that seem very cool, as if she's going to bust out "Georgia on My Mind." "It takes two of you to read to me now, does it?" she says in an easily imitatable, quavery, old-woman voice. Pete and Clark, who we see are standing at the door, look at each other in surprise. Cassandra invites them in. When Clark asks how she knew there were two of them, she says she's blind, but not deaf. In fact, she could hear the creepy show music and infer that an encounter with two young bucks was imminent. She could also hear their shoes squeaking down the hall. Pete blurts out a question: can she tell the future? "Way to go, Pete, real subtle," Clark says. Cassandra asks Pete his name. She's got her glasses off now and looks, if it's even possible, to have aged another seventy years. She tells Pete that if he wants his fortune told, he should go to the circus. Then she drops her book in a very purposeful way; when Pete moves to pick it up, the dark music of foreboding plays. As he reaches down, Cassandra leans forward and, with all her special hearing abilities, finds his hand, clasping her own around it. Chimes play, signifying a magical encounter. "It's a long walk home," she says, channeling Christopher Walken in The Dead Zone. "Check your pockets." Pete does as more chimes play. He realizes he locked his keys in his car. "Dude, you're on your own," Sneaky Pete says, leaving the scene to the professionals. Incidentally, my friend Mical does a great Christopher Walken: "Your house. It's on...fire. And...your daughter...your daughter's in...DANGER!" Cassandra gets up from her chair, smiles at Clark, and asks him his name. He smiles back real big, but not with his superwhite teeth.

Lana is pushing a cart into a room where sheet music is on a stand and classical is playing from a record player. She announces herself. A man with a big, round face, who's sitting in a wheelchair, closes his eyes and holds up his hand, telling her to hold on a sec. Dude, you're not Hannibal Lecter yet. Then he shuts off his record player and turns around to face her. "The Langs moved to Smallville in 1938," he says in his gravelly voice. He tells her the Langs took over some local farms. Lana smiles and calls him a history buff. "It's kind of my obsession," he tells her, and I'm amazed there's no foreboding sound cue here. "Are you my victim?" he asks. Lana says he doesn't look very scary. "You should have known me in my younger days," he tells her. She tells him she's sure he was quite the heartbreaker. I'm not sure that's exactly what he meant. He suggests that they take a spin around the grounds to catch up on Lang family history. He just wants to hear how her parents got flapjacked by that meteor. Lana smiles in agreement, her pretty face splitting open and revealing an even prettier face inside that mere human beings cannot look at directly.

Outside on the pond-bridge. Pretty fall colors in the trees. Wait, so last week's episode took place in winter, but now it's fall again? Lana comments on how pretty the area looks. Crusty Old Man tells her that most people stay at home and watch TV. Especially on Tuesday nights. Crusty Old Man asks Lana if she'll go back to his room and get him a scarf because he's afraid he'll catch a chill. How do you catch a chill? Is that like getting the heat sucked out of you by a kryptonite monster who wants to stay warm? Lana says, "Sure!" in her bright voice, and takes off, leaving Crusty Old Man to fish some cigarettes and a lighter from his robe pockets. Naughty Crusty Man. As he tries to light, he drops his Zippo and then has to lean over to retrieve it from the ground.

Quick cut to Cassandra and Clark. He's supposed to be reading, but nothing's been said, and Cassandra starts coughing roughly. She asks for a glass of water. She stands to drink, and as she reaches for the glass, it falls between them.

Cut from the falling glass to Crusty Old Man reaching down for the lighter.

Back to the falling glass.

Lighter.

Glass shattering.

Crusty Old Man leans to the side and tips over his wheelchair. It falls into the pond with him, and we see the water electrified by the wheelchair's supposed motor. There's lots of blue electricity as Crusty Old Man (now Crispy Old Man) lies, face down, on the surface of the water. Small explosion.

Cut to Cassandra, looking scared.

Cut back to the bloated face of Crusty Old Man, as we look up from the bottom of the pond. His face morphs to that of a younger man. Cut to an overhead shot panning down quickly to show Young Crusty Man getting up from the water. He rises, with thick moppy hair, and looks around. He starts to laugh-cackle. He splashes some water with his hand and laughs some more. His clothes fit him perfectly, even though he looks about sixty pounds lighter than the more rotund older man he was just seconds before. The clothes must have shrunk in the water. We pan down the length of the pond to a rock with kryptonite embedded in it right on the top of the water.

Cassandra smiles in a pained way. "What's wrong?" Clark asks. She runs a hand to his puffy, outstretched lips (maybe she thinks they're beefsteaks and she's hungry). Dark music plays. "Someone close to you is going to die," she says, scared. "Very soon." Clark looks like he may have wanted to have a reaction to that, but instead he just moves his eyes down and to the right. That's right, Clark. Emote! Cue the opening credits.

Kent Farm. Check out that windmill a-spinnin'. A blur of blue and a "whoosh" sound effect greet Clark's arrival home. Inside the barn, MamaKent and Bo Duke are sawing and using big, scary power tools. Clark mopily tells them that if they're going to be doing that kind of stuff, they should ask him to do it, since his limbs can't be cut off. MamaKent asks if something is bothering him. "I just think we should put safety first!" he whines. I bet he did one of those safety week posters in second grade and didn't win the contest. Poor, bitter boy. Bo Duke booms that dangerous work is part of farming. Then he blows into the inside of his goggles, which I just don't understand at all. Ma and Pa Kent ask Clark again if anything's wrong. Clark tells them about Cassandra and her premonition of an imminent death. Bo Duke looks skeptical as all get-out -- even though he harbors an alien being in his home -- and says, "You can't let some old...lady scare you with a half-baked prediction." I'm trying to figure out what Bo Duke almost said instead of "lady." Clark has proof: Pete's keys! Compelling, Clark. Compelling. MamaKent says that nobody can predict the future. "But what if she can?" Clark asks, his voice going up a few octaves. Bo Duke opines that even if she knows the future, she can't control it. Wise, yet stupid. Saw buzzing commences as Clark seethes with inner frustration.

Back at the retirement home, a sprightly young man bounds down the stairs wearing what look like blue hospital scrubs. He has goofy, buggy eyes and poor-man's-Cary-Elwes lips. We cut to a room where Young Crusty Man pulls some old newspaper clippings out from under a bed. Words like "strangulation" and "murder trial continues" are headlines on the yellowed papers. He comes to a paper with handwriting on it. The name "Zoe Garfield" is written. He "mmms" at this. Then he walks over to a mirror where he checks himself out. "Fate's giving you a second chance, Harry-Boy," he says to himself. "And this time...they're gonna pay." He points a finger-gun at himself. He's no Robert DeNiro, I tell you what.

Close shot of a woman's neck and upper chest. A red shirt with the top buttons unbuttoned and a unicorn head pendant on a necklace. We zip down over a boob to a name tag that reads "Zoe." Another great song by Gorillaz is playing ("5/4"), and I pray that this musical good taste can continue. Zoe, it turns out, is a blonde waitress at The Beanery. (We learn this week that it is indeed called "The Beanery" and not "The Tower.") Zoe is carrying a tray holding a sandwich bigger than her head. She drops it at the table where Young Crusty Man is sitting. He, wearing a wife-beater under his unbuttoned brown work shirt, looks at the burger in wonder. He inhales the patty. "God, I haven't been able to eat one of these in years. I mean, not since the bypass," he says. Zoe looks at him, dumbfounded. He tells her he's joking. "You're a riot," she says. "What can I get you to drink?" She's taking his drink order after he's gotten his food? Smallville has the worst waitresses in the world. Young Crusty Man looks up at a long menu of froofy Beanery drinks. "How much is coff-ee?" he asks, saying the word "coffee" in a funny, split up way, as if he were an alien new to the idea. "From, you know, beans," he continues. Zoe tells him it's $2.75. "Did they carry it here from South America by foot?" he asks, grumpily. Oh, the elderly! "You sound like my grandpa," Zoe says, walking off. Young Crusty Man tells her to make sure it's hot.

Pan over to Chloe, Clark, and Lana all walking in together. Chloe's hair looks as if she's auditioning for The Flying Nun. Stay away from the hairspray, Chloe. It makes for a bad habit. Clark is trying to reassure Lana, but she's upset because she misplaced an entire old person. Lana snarks that it's pretty impressive, even by Smallville standards. Lana asks who'd want to kidnap that sweet old man. Chloe opines that maybe a poi turned into a piranha and ate him. Clark smiles this weird little smile and shakes his head. "I'm just thinking out of the box," Chloe says. Crusty Young Man is within earshot, by the way. In fact, he interrupts them to tell Chloe she's got an interesting theory. He tells the gang he's new in town and that he heard this is where the young people congregate. Chloe makes fun of him for saying that, even though her own idiom is littered with clunky Kevin Williamsonisms half the time. Clark introduces Chloe to Young Crusty Man as "the rude one"; before he can introduce Lana, YCM calls her by her name. Ah, she has a name tag on. How convenient for him. He wishes them luck on finding the old person (Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. Bwah ha hahahaha!), and returns his attention to the coffee, which Zoe says was brought in by burro this morning. "Thanks, honey. You're a doll," he says. Lana looks at him curiously.

Old folks at home. Nursing home, that is. Crusty Young Man, it turns out, is actually Piano Man. He's playing the ivory keys as if he put the "ace" in "Liberace." As he finishes, Cassandra says, "You play beautifully!" Piano Man says he was supposed to attend Metropolis Conservatory. Oops. Cassandra tells him that closed in the '70s, and that his voice sounds young. He corrects himself, saying that he wishes he could have attended, if he'd lived in a different time. Not a very smooth save. Cassandra slips her shades on and asks him to give an old lady a hand back to her room. She reaches her crystal hand out to Piano Man. "I already know my future," he whispers, and walks off. Dis!

Fruit stand -- by which I mean Clark is standing. As he carries some produce, Lex's fancy ride is swerving down the road, making all kinds of screech sounds. Is that car a deep purple? Lex get out of the car. Clark complains about Lex's speed, giving him a worried-mom look. Lex strides out wearing a blazer and a pastel purple shirt. "Seriously!" Clark insists. "You could get hurt!" Lex looks touched by that. He asks why Clark is so concerned about his health. Maybe he wants to get a joint life insurance policy. Clark explains about Cassandra, and how someone very close to him might die. Lex doesn't even blink about the "someone very close" part. But you know inside, he's doing little cartwheels of joyous excess. Lex says the soothsayer is probably just being entertaining so she'll have an audience. Clark says that Lex sounds like his parents. "That must be a first," Lex says, smiling slyly. They keep walking, and end up inside Lex's office. Lex slips off his stuffy, hot, heavy coat and asks Clark whether he really wants to know the future. Clark asks whether Lex wants to know his future. "Life's a journey, Clark. I don't want to go through it following a road map," Lex says, opening up a bottle of his trademark blue water and holding it in his hand, because if you're Lex, you want something in that hand at all times. "It still wouldn't kill you to drive more slowly," Clark pouts. Lex says he doesn't have to: he has Clark as a friend, and Clark changed his future once already. They both stare at each other for what seems like hours, earning themselves the coveted Gayest Look of the Episode award. Clark gives a tiny smirk and then says he has some more deliveries to make. I start hearing '70s porn "Bonk, shuka, bonk, bonk" music in my head. The Delivery Boy, starring Clark Kent. "All he wants is a good tip." Heh heh. I just cracked myself up. Before Clark leaves, Lex asks the psychic's name. Lex says he'll ask her for some stock tips. Clark leaves. Before the scene is over, all of those folks with Lexlust get their fill: he opens his lips and sucks down a huge sip from that big blue bottle. Enjoy.

At the elders' home, Clark runs into Lana, who is staring at a poster board of resident photos. The one of Harry is missing a "young" photo to go with his more recent picture. Lana -- who is going for Nurse Exposition's job -- explains that the police were at the home asking questions about Crusty Old Man; it turns out he was a murderer when he was seventeen, which was sixty years ago. He was a concert pianist in the '40s who was to attend the Metropolis Conservatory until his teacher recommended someone else. His dreams shattered, he decided to destroy his teacher's dream: He killed the teacher's son. Zoom in on the now menacing picture of Crusty Old Man on the poster board.

Pro football on TV. A man is watching a game and yelling colorful advice to the NFL players. As the man in flannel cheers, the lights flicker and go out. "Circuit breaker," he mutters. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. It's Piano Man, holding a clipboard and talking about a faulty line a mile down the road. Football Man lets him into his house (don't do it!) and as they examine the circuit breaker, it's revealed that this man is the son of a man who started the first car dealership in Smallville in 1935. Oh man, this guy must be a millionaire with all the car crashes that happen every week. Football Guy seems thrilled that Piano Man knows all this trivia about Smallville history, especially when it concerns his family. As they're talking, Piano Man goes over to a drawer and conveniently finds a piece of wire. "Sounds like your father left you a bright future," Piano Man says. Foreboding music plays as he stretches out the wire against his hands, strangulation style.

Cassandra's room. Clark is standing in the doorway; she asks "Mr. Kent" if he's going to come in or not. Clark, dim as his dad, asks how she knows it's him. She gives the standard line about how when one sense goes, the others are heightened. She could actually hear him moping as he came in! She says she never thought she'd see Clark again ["as it were" -- Wing Chun], and invites him to sit. Clark says he can't get what she told him out of his head. Cassandra blathers that when she first got her psychic powers, she thought it was a curse. But then she hooked up with Miss Cleo and realized it's really a very lucrative gift! Oh, and guess what? She got her powers when she lost her sight: During the Smallville meteor shower that brought Clark to Earth. Clark, you are the cause and the defeater of all evil. "I'm sorry," Clark tells her. She says it's not his fault. Clark says his friends and family think she's not exactly...you know...not a fraud. Cassandra chuckles and says most people trust the unfamiliar and that she can only show them signposts on the way to their hells...er, I mean, "futures." She invites him to sit closer, but not in a dirty way, when Clark says he's just looking for some answers. "Now...take my hand," she says. Clark does. We flash to...

...a cheesy graveyard. There are lots of too-bright lightning effects and rain pouring down as Clark stands in the middle of a bunch of gravestones. When lightning flashes again, we start to see names on the stones. Jonathan Kent (better known as "Bo Duke"). We see stones for MamaKent, Chloe, Pete, and Lana. No gravestone for Lex, interestingly. Clark turns to each, reacting with horror. He finally lifts his arms a little and yells, "Noooo!" We crane-shot up to reveal that Clark is standing in a spiral of gravestones that stretch all around him. "Nooo!" he screams some more as we pan further and further back revealing more gravestones. I want to yell out, "MENDOZAAAAAAA!"

We brightly flash back to Cassandra's room. "No!" Clark whimpers. "You saw that too!" Cassandra says. Clark rushes out of the room at blur-speed, and Cassandra holds her own hand, putting it to her head; it looks like she may cry. They need this lady on the show every week.

I know it's a farm, but I keep thinking it's the Kent Vineyard what with all the whine that Clark keeps schlepping around. This time, he's whining about his "glimpse of the future." MamaKent and Bo Duke are skeptical, which is crazy considering that their son can bend toilet seats with his pinkie. At one point, Clark brings up the meteor shower and Bo Duke is all, "Oh, yeah, so that makes it that she can predict the future." My God, man! Get a grip! The meteor shower is responsible for car crashes, supermopes and each week's villain! How are you this detached from your fictional reality? Clark brings up my point and then cries that he may outlive everyone he loves. He's totally throwing a conniption fit. "I don't want to be alone," he says, before stalking off. Aw, Clark. That was almost cute. He even stops right in front of the camera like Little Superboy Lost. Bo Duke comes over and tells Clark, "The only person who controls your destiny is you." Clark says he doesn't feel like he has control of anything. Then he walks off. This Dramatic Moment brought to you by Pepperidge Farm, the most earnest of cheeses. Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Cassandra outside in a strange maroon outfit with a little Arby's bow at the neck. She's reading the Braille edition of The Daily Planet. Lex Luthor walks up behind her, carrying a teeny tiny purple flower. "Do those expensive shoes come with a name?" Cassandra asks him. "Lex Luthor," he answers. She asks if he's that same Lex Luthor that owns everything. He is. Lex sets the flower down on a backgammon board to her and sits. She asks what he wants. Lex starts asking smack about Clark. "What makes me think you're not here for stock tips, Mr. Luthor?" Cassandra asks. Lex, in a bright blue shirt and dark blazer, smiles. Lex says that he's looking for insight into Clark, who is a friend, but also a mystery. "Most people are," Cassandra tells Lex. "That's what makes them interesting." Lex comes right out and offers her money. "I can't tell you about Clark," Cassandra says with a hand wave. She tells Lex she can only tell the future. She reaches out her hand to take Lex's and tell his future, but Lex doesn't bite. (At least not in my dreams he doesn't. Wait. Did I say that out loud?) Lex says he doesn't need to know his future. Cassandra asks if that's because his father has it all mapped out. Lex says he makes his own destiny and he don't need no stinkin' fortune teller. "Maybe I'll see your friend, Clark," Cassandra says, trying to entice him. Ooh, she must be reading the "Homoeroticism, Yay!" thread in the forums. Lex gives her a hard stare and tells Cassandra goodbye. "It's been enlightening," he says, and takes off. She tells him to come back when he's ready.