Apparently, your whole life has been leading up to a round of golf with Garrison Hershberger and that girl from Grace Under Fire. No, not Alan Ball. The other one. No, not Brett Butler. I said "girl." Anyway, the Grace Under Fire Girl is Gilardi’s boss, and she’s berating him about buying up more independent funeral homes because Kroehner needs cheap real estate they can unload at a profit. All you need to know about her character is summed up in the following line of dialogue: "Hey, fuck you with the ‘ma’am’ shit! You call me that one more time and I’ll have your balls on a plate, your spleen on a stick, and your heart bubble-wrapped and Fed-Exed to your mama, all right?" Since this episode was written and directed by the man who’s already given us a porn-star Cybill Shepherd, I’m betting that line was something Brett Butler actually said to him at some point. Anyway, the surrogate Brett teases a fake death with some chest pains, and then belches and blames it on the escargot she had for lunch. Then she hacks an absolutely horrible tee shot, shouting, "Goddammit, I hooked it!" as the ball curves to the right. Which of course makes it a slice, not a hook, but since Alan seems to be having so much fun exorcising the demons of his past employers, I’ll let it slide. The ball smacks into the head of a middle-aged woman, who is reading peacefully on a bench in the shade. She promptly keels over dead, dropping her book to the Welsh Corgi at her side. Now I know you’re all going to groan at this one, but it simply has to be said. That head injury is the worst case of "Fore!"-shadowing I’ve ever seen.
David Chase: "Fore!"-shadowing? Wow. That’s just wrong.
Alan Ball: Tell me about it. Can we go back to the last episode, please?
David Chase: Why not? Everyone else is.
Alan Ball: So are you actually gonna watch this Band of Brothers thing?
David Chase: I don’t know. I hear that Heathen chick is pretty cool.
Alan Ball: Ahh, Deadline. And Oliver Platt calls himself a producer.
David Chase: I know. What’s up with that?
Nate is once again taking the funeral director exam, this time in a room with scenery and extras that are considerably less dramatic than the last time. I guess that means we can assume he’ll pass. He’s interrupted by the beeping of his pager. It’s Brenda, and she "needs" him. I think the Chenowith family has some serious neediness issues, don’t you? The Ironic Segue Fairy cuts us to the Formaldehyde Fortress, where someone (presumably Brenda) is frantically ringing the doorbell. When David answers, however, it turns out to be -- gasp! -- Tracy The Annoying Funeral Stalker. Well, I guess it’s a "gasp" if you didn’t notice that the DGDJ’s name was "Lillian Grace Montrose." Or if you haven’t seen it nine times like I have. Tracy envelops David in a bear hug, and sobs that she didn’t know where else to go. David tries to explain again that he’s gay, but Tracy quickly interrupts to say that she needs to plan a funeral before adding, "Oh, David, please. You need to get over yourself." It turns out that our little whackjob is actually a big-time party planner, so she has lots of ideas about how the funeral should go. She did this "huge New Line party for the Golden Globes last year. The Hollywood Reporter called it resplendent. And it was." I think it’s safe to say that Alan Ball won’t be seeming stingy with the shout-outs in this, his seasonal send-off. Nor will Aaron be avoiding any alliteration, apparently. Anyway, we cut to Tracy on her hands-free cellular, threatening some supplier while David helplessly tries to get her to sign the McGuffin. I mean, "contract." After hanging up the phone, Tracy assures David that a contract won’t be necessary because Aunt Lillian was loaded. And also because Tracy plans to sue the country club, which she’s disliked ever since her debut when "one of the Chinese busboys made a really inappropriate comment about the neckline of [her] dress." Helpless before the sheer force of her blather, David can only stare as she strides purposefully away.
Nate, fresh from the very last time the funeral director exam will ever be mentioned on this show, rushes over to Brenda’s house. He finds her on the back porch, smoking a joint and lounging in front of a wall of marijuana plants. I guess Alan decided to bring his stash in to work that day, presumably to share at the wrap party in an effort to ensure that none of his writers ever feel the need to mock him when they get their own shows. She snipes at Nate for taking so long to arrive, but quickly apologizes when he reminds her about the test. She wants to go see Billy, because she can feel that he "needs" her. See what I mean with the neediness? Nate must be needy as well, because he agrees to go with her.
Over at the school, Claire and Parker The Dangerslut are camped out on the back gate of the Lean Green Corpse Machine. Parker is planning a little get-together at her Dad’s "total party house in Bel-Air," and she wants Claire to be there. Then she asks what’s up with Claire and "Mr. OD," and somehow manages to seem both tactless and sincere at the same time. Claire describes Gabe as being "incredibly strong," but The Dangerslut isn’t sure if that’s a good thing. That doesn’t stop her from inviting Claire to bring him along to the party, however.
In Brenda’s Non-Lean-But-Still-Green Bad Backdrop Bronco, Brenda is worried that Billy must hate her for having him committed. Nate, who clearly couldn’t care less what Billy might think, tries to console her. Brenda blames her mother for everything, which Nate already took care of for himself in the last episode. He insists that by having Billy committed, Brenda probably saved her brother’s life. Brenda, however, still isn’t sure if she did the right thing. Unlike myself, Nate is somehow able to refrain from shouting out a suggestion that she get another tattoo to help make up her mind.
At Nikolai’s Flower Shop Of Stereotypically Screwed-Up Slavic Syntax, Ruth is chatting on the phone with Hiram. She’s surprised to hear that he wants to take her out to dinner that evening, but she readily agrees to meet him at eight. While all this is going on, Nikolai wanders over and tries not very subtly to listen in. As soon as she hangs up, he demands that she work late that night, in order to help out with the expected Father’s Day rush. Heh. Ruth rightly refuses, arguing that he’s just trying to interfere with her personal life. Nikolai claims to not care what she does on her own time, even if what she’s doing is "sleeping outside in some tent, like refugee." Ruth snaps that his jealousy is "no longer flattering. It’s just irritating." And also funny. "I have chosen Hiram," she continues. "Stop acting like a spoiled child." Choosing to do just the opposite, Nikolai fires her right on the spot. "You can’t do that!" exclaims Ruth. "I just do do that!" shouts back Nikolai, before telling her to get out. Now.
Rico’s Body Shop. He and Dave stand over Aunt Lillian’s corpse (StC = 516), with Rico opining that it should be an easy job, what with just the one bruise, and also her having "remarkably thick hair for a woman her age." The fax machine in the corner spits out a document, and David is dismayed to learn that Tracy is also an Annoying Funeral Shopper. She’s changing just about everything about the viewing and the ceremony, and David is worried about pulling off a "resplendent" funeral on only two days' notice. Rico works the whole "make me a partner" thing so we won’t forget it for season two, and David has to tersely remind him that a) he’s not a partner, and b) they just rescued him from a crappy corporate job and gave him a big raise.
Our Lady Of Eternal Irony’s Home For The Criminally Creepy. Nate and Brenda make their way through a ward of mental patients before finally coming across Brother Billy, who’s been placed oh so dramatically alone in an empty hallway. Brenda doesn’t want to upset Billy, so Nate has to go wait with the other nuts, which is something he’s only too happy to do. Brenda slowly makes her way down to Billy, who’s surprised to see her, even though he’s clearly been heavily medicated. She asks how he doing, and he’s surprisingly philosophical about the whole thing. "Whatever I was feeling before," he says, "I’m not feeling it now." And just like the Creepy Jesus he so clearly is, he’s now repentant for his sins. "I hate that my blood makes me crazy. I hate that I can’t function without being chemically altered…I hate that I fucked up your life." Brenda laughs, and sighs that she did that last one on her own. Billy apologizes and begs for her forgiveness before returning to his Zen-psycho rap and professing to have "some weird-ass karma." "It feels like tears are streaming down my cheeks," he intones. "But they’re not, are they?" Given his lineage, I’m surprised he doesn’t add something about "all these moments being lost in time, like tears in the rain." I should probably throw something in there about attack ships and the shoulder of Orion so that people other than Pontoon will get the Blade Runner joke, but I’m just gonna go ahead and trust your cinematic savvy on this one. Brenda, by the way, still is capable of crying, and a single, perfect tear for her confused and creepy little brother winds its way slowly down her cheek. Billy finally absolves her of any guilt, and tells her that he’ll be happy as long as she is. It’s exactly what Brenda wanted to hear, which is why she hugs him so tightly, but it’s also why I wonder if the drugs have as much of an effect on his manipulative streak as they do on his emotions. Billy gives us one last Creepy Jesus glare, holding his sister and calling her beautiful. Bye-bye, Billy. You’ve done…questionable things, but we love you anyway.
So if the Chenowiths are the family that puts the "crazy" back into "crazy freaking lunatics," then the Fishers are apparently the ones who put the "function" right back into "dysfunctional." Once again we’re watching happy home movies of a young family Fisher, with little David and Nate playing around with their father and what appears to be two live ducks. Watching along with us are The Late Nate and Claire, who’s upset to discover that there are no home movies of her. Dad explains that he used the camera all the time when the boys were young, but by the time she came around, it was all "been there, done that." "Yeah, I know," snarks back Claire, but Dad just hopes that all that attention she never got will "motivate [her] to get up off [her] ass, and make something of [her] life." Claire laughs, and a door slams, and suddenly the dream is over and Claire is jolted awake on the couch. Ruth storms in and immediately announces that she’s just been fired. "That sucks," is all a still-sleepy Claire can manage. "Yes it does," replies Ruth. "And if you want to know the truth, I think I was victim of sexual harassment!" She recaps the whole angry Nikolai situation for Claire, who can’t believe it. "Oh my God! What a dork!" she says. "I know," answers Mom. "Can you believe it?" She goes on to add that with "a certificate in floral arranging, [she] can get a job anywhere." Flush with feminist fury, Claire defiantly shouts, "Screw Nikolai," and Ruth runs off to do precisely that. Well, okay, it’s actually not for another thirty minutes, but it does happen.
David Chase: I’m totally taking that duck thing as a season one shout-out.
Alan Ball: As well you should. I mean, you didn’t really think I’d forget to give props to my Sunday Nights On HBO buddy, did you? Oh, and by the way, that stripper in the Vegas episode? That was all for you, my friend.
Aaron: Hey, can I be your Sunday Nights On HBO buddy, too?
Alan Ball: Good God, no. No, I get printouts from my assistant, so you’re usually my Tuesday Afternoons In The Men’s Room buddy.
Aaron: Aww, come on. You know you’re gonna miss me. Everyone else just kisses your ass all the time, but I’m like that one sassy friend who always tells it like it is. I’m just keeping it real, dude!
Alan Ball: Oh my God. What a dork.
David Chase: I know. Can you believe it?
Alan Ball: At least this is his last recap. Nineteen more pages, and then we won’t have to hear from him until season.
Back in Brenda’s Bad Backdrop Bronco, Brenda is asking Nate if he’s ever thought about getting married, which, for reasons that will become clear in a moment, makes this the perfect time for me to take a little digression. As you know, with SFU off until March and The Sopranos off until the ice age, I’m scheduled to become an unrestricted free agent at the end of the season here. Because ownership has deemed my eminently reasonable salary demands "outrageous and exorbitant" (and while I can understand why the insurance company nixed my flying the corporate jet, I still don’t get how management can think that no one could ever possibly need a luxury skybox from which to watch their show), the site’s original plan was to trade me to the WB Scoop for three recapping prospects and some cash. But (for obvious reasons), that deal fell through, and after several weeks of intense negotiations between my agent and MBTV GM and Director of Recap Operations Sars, I’m pleased to announce the signing of a new, ten-episode, $253-million-dollar contract to recap The Mind of the Married Man right here on HBO Sunday Nights where I belong. The deal grants me a reduced half-hour workload and special no-commercials/no-repeats bonus clauses, and in exchange I’ve agreed to finish the recaps sometime earlier than ten minutes before the show starts. Or two weeks after the last one, for that matter. Anyway, the point is, I’ll be seeing you all right back here in a few weeks, and this time, if we’re lucky, the show really will suck. I mean, do we really need a Dream On for the new millennium? Then again, who would have thought that "Marry me, Lauren" would be the "Get out. Now" for this new season?
So where were we again? Oh yeah. The Bad Backdrop Bronco. Brenda asks Nate if he’s ever thought about getting married. Nate not very convincingly says that he has, but also points out that they’ve only been dating for six months. "Oh, I didn’t realize you were counting the days," snarks Brenda. "Do you mark them off at night like a prisoner in his cell? Like the Count of fucking Monte Cristo?" Nate wants to know why she’s suddenly so interested in getting married, and then Brenda digs in even deeper by mentioning that she might want children as well. When Nate seems a little flustered by all this, Brenda forces him to admit that this has been his longest relationship ever. "Oh, and what about you?" he counters angrily. "Do you know how many guys would have fucking skipped out on you after all the psycho shit you’ve put me through?" Well, I certainly know I would have. They rehash the whole "you want to bail/no, you want me to bail" thing yet again, but this time they’re interrupted when Nate grabs the steering wheel to swerve away from the cheesy-looking truck that’s barreling down on them. The Bronco screeches across the highway and smashes into a parked car as the truck skids to a stop. Dun DUN dun!
The Body Shop. David and Rico are working on Aunt Lillian, when Rico decides that now would be the perfect time to ask the boss for a favor. As someone who holds a highly "Dilbert"-esque day job, let me give all you kids out there a quick little business behavior tip: The best time to ask your boss for a favor is either late in the afternoon when they’re on their way out the door, or right after they’ve gotten back from vacation. It is never, ever, right after you’ve insulted their sexuality. Or really, after you’ve insulted them at all. Bosses tend to not like that for some reason. For example, I made sure to ask Sars about recapping Mind of the Married Man BEFORE turning in this recap late. Had I done it the other way around, I probably would have gotten stuck with some crappy network show like The Amazing Race. Ew. Networks have cooties. Anyway, Rico wants to use the Fortress to hold a christening party for the new baby, and he does at least partially redeem himself by adding that he wants all the Fishers (David included) to be there, because he still thinks of their family as an extension of his own. Apparently moved by this sentiment, David quickly agrees, and he and Rico share a nice little embalmer’s bonding moment. Their reverie is interrupted, however, by the arrival of yet another fax. "Now what?" asks David, as Rico grabs the paper. "Has Tracy decided to have Aunt Lillian cremated and her ashes placed in a Faberge egg? Can we do it by seven tonight?" Actually, what it really says is, "Father Jack is gay." "Oh, good grief," exclaims David, in his finest Charlie Brown impersonation.
Suddenly, we’re in an ambulance. There’s a paramedic guy speaking rapidly into a radio, and I’ve read enough of Wing Chun’s recaps to know that he’s giving the proverbial "bullet." Brenda is unconscious with a head injury and a bunch of other medical mumbo-jumbo, and Nate -- or Patient #2, as they insist on calling him -- is awake but disoriented. Well, more disoriented than usual, I guess. An unfortunately framed close-up lets us know that all the bountiful and diverse denizens of the thorny thickets that Peter Krause calls sideburns are merely shaken, and not seriously injured. Well, thank god for that.
Oh, all right. Fine. I guess it wouldn’t really be an official SFU season finale without at least an appearance by Ed Begley Jr., but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t getting my hopes up until this scene mercilessly crushed them. Ruth and Hiram are enjoying a lovely dinner of Chilean sea bass when the St. Elsewhore announces that he has something he wants to talk about, and "he’s not proud of [it]." Uh oh. It’s not like Ed has a lot of pride left to begin with, so you just know this is going to be bad. In fact, the St. Elsewhore has been, well, whoring around, and he’s met "someone else." Begley cleverly declines to use any gender-specific pronouns in his little speech, although he does describe the new relationship as being potentially quite "profound." Ruth is surprisingly calm and cool about the whole thing, even going so far as to encourage Ed to pursue this new "person." "Who knows," she says. "Maybe the two of you could have something, as you say, profound." Aww. "Lord knows we don’t." Heh. Ed looks absolutely devastated by the fact that Ruth isn’t devastated at all. Seriously. His expression here (coupled with all the electric car jokes) almost makes his presence this season worthwhile. Almost.
Over at Our Lady Of The Inflamed Plot Point, Nate is meeting Brenda in her hospital room. He’s up and about with only a Band-Aid on the forehead, but she’s still in bed with a huge white bandage around her head. She does, however, seem to be awake and lucid, as she greets Nate by saying, "I’m sorry I almost killed you." Then she reinforces that sentiment by bitching about her insurance premiums. Nate, however, is not to be dissuaded, as he sits beside her and confesses that he actually prayed for her to be okay. And he never prays. "You are one incredibly difficult and sometimes irritating woman," he says, and so far I’m with him. "And I cannot imagine my life without you." Whoops, you lost me there, Nate. Especially since I’ve been imagining my life without all these freaks ever since I started work on this last recap. In fact, that’s the real reason it’s taking so long. Nate begs her not to die and leave him alone, and even says that he’s willing to get married, if that’s what it takes. "Okay, maybe I overreacted a little," replies Brenda. They giggle, and embrace, and then we fade to white.
Church of the Poisoned Mind. David, Walter, and the rest of the deacons are arguing about Father Jack, who has apparently admitted to performing a lesbian "commitment ceremony." Walter wants him gone, and the lady whose name I don’t know wants him to stay, and it’s all argue argue, blabber blabber, gay-bash gay-bash. When Walter mentions "The Lambeth Conference," Alan Ball hops out from behind the camera and starts being all, "Look at me! Aren’t I clever! I’m ripping on Episcopalians! Without actually saying the word 'Episcopalian'! It’s okay to mock sex, death, incest, and homosexuality, but you sure don’t want to name names and offend those religious groups. No, sirree! Anyway, you guys can just put all the hate mail outside with the rest of the garbage." The meeting goes on for an interminable length of time, until Walter finally calls for a vote on removing Father Jack. With the faint outlines of a spine beginning to appear on his back, David decides to stand up and fight. Not only does he refuse to fire Father Jack, but he also implies that Walter himself is gay before coming out to the rest of the deacons. The Nice Nameless Lady is all happy for him, but Walter just keeps on ranting. Meanwhile, Darth Gayder looks on disapprovingly from outside. Incidentally, am I the only one who was disappointed that Darth didn’t come inside to tell Walter that his lack of faith disturbed him? Now that would have been cool.
At the Fortress, Tracy is checking up on all the funeral arrangements. Rico is trying to help her, despite Tracy’s announced preference for dealing with David, as opposed to "some underling." When Rico unveils the coffin she’s selected, Tracy tries to claim that one of the corners is nicked. Rico isn’t having it, however, and he explains that the "nick" is actually part of the grain. When she insists on exchanging it for a new coffin, Rico has to further explain that there aren’t anymore like it to be had, and that this particular coffin had to be shipped all the way from San Francisco. Tracy is "very unhappy about this," but Rico calls her bluff by offering to bring up Aunt Lillian’s body so that Tracy can take her business elsewhere. Heh. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve wanted to saddle some of my customers with a dead body. Preferably their own, but really, any body will do.
In the kitchen, Ruth is on the phone with Hiram. He’s calling to make sure she’s okay with the break-up and all, but seems to be having a really hard time dealing with the fact that yes, she actually is okay. Meanwhile, Claire comes down the steps behind her mother and tries to sneak out the door while calling out that she’ll be spending the night at Parker’s. Mom puts a stop to that, however, telling Claire that she wants her to have Parker’s mother call the Fortress if she’s going to be staying over. Before Claire can answer, Ruth goes back to being exasperated with Ed. "I’m sorry that you’re having second thoughts," she snaps, "because I’m not." Then she hangs up the phone and emphatically tells her daughter that "men can be so stupid." Uh, yes. Yes, we can. Claire is clearly confused by her crazy, crazy mother, and she backs slowly out the door while agreeing to have Mrs. Dangerslut call later.
Back at Our Lady Of The Inflamed Plot Point, Nate is watching Brenda sleep in her hospital bed. A doctor enters, and immediately tells Nate that he needs to speak with him later. In private. Uh oh. The doctor then goes on to wake up Brenda for an examination, and she sleepily relates the events of her dreams to him. She was swimming with dolphins, and then Drew Barrymore and Courtney Love showed up, and as the camera slowly pushes in on Nate’s concerned face, I’m left to wonder if maybe Brenda’s head injury is worse than we might have thought. Then again, she didn’t make much sense before the accident, so who knows.
As if perhaps to taunt me, the Ironic Segue Fairy overdubs my deliberations on this matter with David saying, "What are we supposed to believe?" He’s in Father Jack’s office, and the two of them have polished off an entire bottle of Scotch. "Good for you for marrying two lesbians," toasts David, and Father Jack admits that one of them was his old high-school girlfriend. The pleasant, collegial atmosphere is quickly spoiled, however, when David spits out that he’s "so fucking tired of being ashamed" all the time, and that he wants to fight Walter to keep Father Jack at the church. Friar Prissy, however, doesn’t want to fight at all. In fact, he’s already cut a deal to stay in exchange for not performing any more gay marriages. Not only that, but David has to resign as deacon as well, or else Walter won’t okay the deal. David is shocked that Father Jack would be willing to sacrifice all that just to remain "comfortable." "But, how can you…? You’re gay," he says. "No, I’m not," replies Father Jack, in what was actually one of the few truly surprising plot twists all season. "People have always assumed that I am, but I’m not. Sorry. More Scotch?" David’s jaw is literally hanging open, and we pan over to a smirking Darth Gayder, who gives Dave yet another knowing nod.
Across town in Bel-Air, Claire and Gabe are arriving at Parker’s party. Gabe is all nervous about being there, despite the fact Claire already knows that he and Parker used to sleep together. As they wander through the house, they see a lot of spoiled-looking kids who basically ignore them. Gabe somehow forms a theory that this is actually a porn party, and that there’s a movie being filmed somewhere in the house. And actually, to be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t put it past Parker or her family to have had the place wired for video. When Gabe describes one particularly pretty young man as a "faggot," Claire gets all upset. "Hey, shut up. My brother’s a faggot." Heh. Gabe apologizes, and just then they round a corner to discover Parker draped over some random guy. Dangerslut makes the introductions, with the added comedic bonus that she pretends to forget Gabe’s name. Maybe I should try that.
And again we’re back at the hospital. You know, just once I’d like to recap a show that takes place entirely at a single location. I’m just saying. Anyway, the doctor has called Nate into one of those little X-ray viewing rooms, and he’s showing him a set of CAT scans. Basically, there’s a shadow or something on one of them, and the doctor wants to do more tests. "She’s going to be all right, isn’t she?" asks Nate, and the doctor is forced to tell Nate that he’s looking at his own test results, not Brenda’s. Well, duh. I could have told you that. Just look at how rectangular that brain is in all the pictures. Anyway, Nate slowly and silently wigs out as the doctor runs down a list of tests he’ll need to take.
Okay, so raise your hand if you ever pulled this same stunt when you were a kid. You know, getting a friend to call and pretend to be a parent so you could stay out all night. I used to do it all the time. By the way, hi Mom. Remember Mr. Walker? Yeah, that was actually my friend Marc. He says hi too, by the way. Anyway, Parker assures Mommie Drearest that there will be "proper adult supervision," and further informs her that "there isn’t any liquor in the house. You see, my husband and I are both alcoholics, and Parker is fresh out of rehab, so we’ll take really good care of Claire. Kisses!" Dangerslut hangs up and then cracks up, but Claire just describes that as "mean." Meanwhile, Gabe is outside by the pool, and he’s been reunited with Peanut Testicle and another guy I’ll just call The Cashew Kid. Gabe has apparently backed off his "porn party" theory, because he now describes the scene as a typical "Hollywood ass-waxing party. Everyone’s wearing leather…or rubber." Okay, so maybe he hasn’t backed off the porn theory. Anyway, PT mocks Gabe for being off "getting [his] toes sucked" with Claire while the boys were out pulling a "Beer Cow." "What the fuck is a Beer Cow?" asks Gabe, while declining a hit on the joint they’ve started passing. The Cashew Kid explains that they went to buy beer, but when they discovered that no one had money, they all started "mooing" really loudly. The clerk got so freaked out that they just took the beer and left. You know, as juvenile and childish as that clearly is, it does sorta sound like fun. Gabe certainly seems to think so, because he does accept the joint the time it’s passed, and takes a couple of deep hits in quick succession.
Okay, so let’s pretend for a moment that we’re all new visitors to Alan Ball World. Now, if I were to say to you that a certain character is more afraid of death than any other character, what would you expect to happen to that person? Well, in the real world, they’d probably end up as a megalomaniacal overcompensater like Bill Gates. But in Alan Ball World, we can all safely assume that a fear of death is the fastest possible ticket to having to actually deal with death on a very personal basis. I mention all this only because there’s a scene here where the doctor gives Nate the lowdown on his condition. Basically, he seems to be afflicted with a disease that manifests extremely minor physical symptoms, yet could still cause him to drop dead at any second. In other words, he’s got an inflamed plot point. Anyone experiencing similar symptoms at home should see your doctor immediately, followed by a deep, cleansing bath to wash away the thick deposits of irony that may be building up inside your skull.
Cut to Ruth driving Nate and Brenda home from the hospital and complaining that they waited an entire day to call and tell her about the accident. Nate assures her that he’s fine, and Brenda says the same from the back seat. But then Nate turns to look at her, and instead finds The Late Nate back there. "Hoo, boy! This time it’s personal," Dad says, before vanishing again. Bwah! Nate shakes it off and goes back to staring out his window.
Parker’s Party. And this time it’s personal, as Parker and her Boy Toy Du Jour are macking all statutory-rape-style in her parent’s bedroom. Now, if Parker is having sex, that must be Claire’s cue to walk in on her, and -- hey, look, there she is. Claire asks if they’ve seen Gabe before quickly ducking back out of the room, and then we cut straight to Gabe himself, as he, PT, and The Cashew Kid are preparing to pull a Beer Cow at a nearby convenience store. Because repeatedly yelling "Moo!" apparently just wasn’t enough fun for Gabe, he’s expanded the boundaries of the Beer Cow concept to include the use of firearms. Man, I remember when they tried that in the NHL, and it was a total disaster. Then again, a "Beer Cow" does sound like something Marty McSorley would do. Anyway, the actual robbery scene is hilarious, with PT and The Cashew Kid getting in a few good moos before Gabe pulls out the very gun that killed his brother. While the security camera above the register captures the entire incident, Gabe orders the clerk to empty the register before giving a final "moo" of his own and dashing out of the store.
David Chase: "Moo." Heh. I like that.
Alan Ball: Thanks.
David Chase: On the other hand, it’s still not as funny as spelling out "poo" and "ass" in a Scrabble game.
Alan Ball: Of course it is, you fucking moron.
David Chase: Hey!
Alan Ball: What? I thought we were doing the catchphrase thing.
David Chase: Uh, no.
Alan Ball: Oh. Sorry.
David Chase: Eh, what are you gonna do?
The Ironic Segue Fairy, who has apparently been forced to work overtime due to the mysterious disappearance of the Ironic Musical Detachment Fairy, cuts us straight from the robbers to the cop, as David and Keith are hanging out in a coffee shop somewhere. David is going on and on about how he's tired of all the prejudice and the shame. He also swears a lot, so we know he’s serious. Then he casually mentions that he has to give a devotional reading at Mass that Sunday, and I instantly cringed in anticipation of the inevitable triumphant speech. Oh, and he also confides that he came out to Ruth, and it was "really uncomfortable," despite the fact that she’s still "just as weird as always." Keith claims he has to leave and go meet Eddie, but for some reason, he can’t seem to drag himself away. Aww. It’s so cute. They’re like two little awkward boys on their first date. Keith finally manages to make it to the door, saying, "Take care, David," as he steps outside. As soon is the door is safely shut behind him, David snarks, "Say hi to Eddie for me." Heh. But then we pan over to see Darth Gayder, oh-so-artfully framed by a big red stop sign. Hmm. Is that an omen for season two, or just Alan Ball looking for a cool shot?
Parker’s Party redux. Claire is camped out on the sofa, watching some girl snort lines in the kitchen. The Late Nate appears and asks if she wants to do "what those really cool kids in there are doing." When she says no, The Late Nate mentions that he likes her boyfriend. Really? I guess that makes him the only one then, huh? He can’t put his finger on exactly why he likes him, though, and before Claire can get clarification (get it?), Gabe and the Boys return, and The Late Nate vanishes. As soon as she sees Gabe, Claire leaps to her feet to greet him. "Did you miss me?" he asks. "Not that much, Ego-Man," she replies, which I liked, but you can also see that she really did miss him, which I liked for completely different reasons. They hug, and Claire’s eyes suddenly go wide, presumably because she feels the gun in his belt, and not because he’s just happy to see her.
Formaldehyde Fortress. More frantic doorbell ringing. Nate answers this time, and Tracy barely lets him get a word in before running down her list of complaints once again. When she shows him the "nick" in the casket, Nate quickly offers to knock a hundred bucks off the price. Yep, that’s right, folks. The man has a gift. Tracy, however, is still screeching about getting a new coffin, so Nate brings up the fact that she hasn’t signed a contract yet, and says that she’s not allowed to complain anymore until she does. Then he goes really nuts and starts shouting at her. "You ought to thank your fucking stars that you’re alive and healthy, and that you don’t live in a place where you have to work like a dog just to starve or get shot in the streets." Alan Ball then dips his comedic pen into the rapid-mood-swing inkwell one last time, having Nate follow that mini-diatribe up with a super-polite "I’ll be right back with that contract." Fade to white.
We fade back in on what appears to be a home movie of Claire, descending the Fortress steps in her Psycho Beach Party pigtails. The Late Nate appears with his camera, but she tells him that even if he's "trying to get [his] wings," it’s still too late to make up for all the missed opportunities. Dad, however, has finally figured out what it is that he likes about Gabe: "He’ll be headed over to my neck of the woods pretty soon." Well, duh. I mean, who doesn’t like that about Gabe? Anyway, Claire jerks awake once again, only this time she’s been sleeping on the sofa at Parker’s place. She looks up to see the Dangerslut herself, macking on a totally new Boy Toy Du Jour. Then she rolls over and shares a tender moment with Gabe, which inspires me, in the immortal words of one William Martin Joel, to leave a tender moment alone.
In yet another nice bit of symmetry from the opening episodes, we get another taste of the Jogger-Cam, as Nate runs. And runs. And then runs some more. Gee, do you think he could be mocking death? I’m not really sure. He’s still running, by the way.
Time for one last trip to Nikolai’s "Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon" Flower Shop. Ruth has snuck over on a Sunday morning to pick up her things, and she’s surprised to find a drunken Nikolai there waiting for her. When she chastises him for having spent the night in the store, he tells her to "go drive in the woods with your man who burns chicken in the funny, little toy car." Oh, all right -- one last "heh" at Ed’s expense. Nikolai goes on to say that he hopes the St. Elsewhore is either rich or a really good lover, "because [Ruth] is a woman who needs a good lover." I’ll say. Ruth is suddenly overwhelmed by Nikolai’s raw, animal attraction, and as the love theme from Dr. Zhivago swells in the background, she steps in for a kiss.
Church Of The Inevitable Character Redemption Monologue. Father Jack delivers a suitably ironic and self-aware homily about "boldly proclaiming" the "truth." David steps to the podium to perform his reading, and, of course, his assigned selection starts with the phrase, "Let me never be ashamed." At this point, he breaks from the reading, and proceeds to deliver the same Impassioned Speech Of An Oppressed Man Overcoming The Obstacles Before Him that we’ve all already seen in every movie ever made. It’s not bad as these things go, but it still sounds better when Denzel does it. We get some mostly approving reaction shots of the rest of the cast, and then there’s a quick audio-only DEK moment of David receiving a standing ovation. When we cut back to the pews, however, everyone is silent. "God be with you all," concludes David, before fairly skipping back to his seat. Once there, he looks up and notices the second funniest shot of the entire season, which is a stained glass window bearing the image of two priests and an altar boy. There’s no polite way to explain what it appears the altar boy is doing, so you’ll just have to use your imaginations. Ew. You people are sick. It’s not that bad.
Outside, David is once again accepting the adulation of his peers. He must be wearing an MBTV T-shirt under his suit. Suddenly, Darth Gayder appears with his wounds miraculously healed, but with his post-death blue Jedi glow strangely absent. "Thank you," he whispers to David, spooning a great big ladle full of cheese onto what had been up until now an artfully handled arc. Now that young David has mastered the unashamed use of his, er, light saber, Darth is finally able to depart, presumably to go hit on Alec Guinness in that great big gay bar in the sky. Back on Earth, Eddie and Keith approach, and they both gush to David about how impressed they were. Incidentally, because Eddie is an EMT, and because thinking about Third Watch Eddie is making me all nostalgic for my first ever recap, I’ll be referring to him as Third Wheel Eddie in these, our few bright shining seconds together. ["It's 'FIFTH WHEEL,' for God's sake! $253 million I paid for this, people." -- Sars] Anyway, Third Wheel Eddie senses that Keith and David still have some things to discuss, so he excuses himself and heads for the car. You can say what you want about Third Wheel Eddie (and Lord knows, I’ve said almost nothing at all), but you can never accuse him of not getting a hint. David and Keith stare soulfully into one another’s eyes for a few moments, and then Keith finally leaves, telling David not to "be a stranger." Wow. I haven’t seen smoldering man-on-man love like that since Doggett and Skinner.
Nikolai’s Flower Shop Of Lurve. He and Ruth bask in the afterglow; she frets about having missed church. He hands her a rose, which prompts Ruth to say, "I’m never going to marry you. I’ll be your friend, and your lover, but never your wife." Nikolai offers to try to convince her, and I start praying to God that they’ll cut away before he starts.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Nate is working the door at Aunt Lillian’s funeral when David comes down to join him. David asks about the accident, and then thanks Nate for all his help with the Tracy situation. After a brief pause, he goes on to also thank him for staying home and helping out, because "things have been a lot more fun since [he’s] been home." Nate hugs his little brother, and hilariously tries to hold back tears. At this point, Rico comes down and informs them that the "crazy niece" is upstairs crying. After some brotherly bickering, it’s decided that Nate will handle this one.
Upstairs, he finds Tracy seated at a table, and moves to a chair beside her. Tracy haltingly explains that Aunt Lillian was the only person who ever really loved her. "I’ve never felt this alone in all the world," she says. "And I’m used to feeling alone. I know what that’s like. But now I find out that there’s this whole new level…Why do people have to die?" There’s a long silence here, which I’ll just use to point out that it’s quintessential Ball behavior to have the most flighty, annoying character on the show deliver the big message at the end. It’s predictable, but I still like it. Anyway, Nate explains that people have to die to make life seem important. He goes on about making each day matter, and living life to the fullest, and carpe diem and the Dead Poets Society, but the point has long since been made. Tracy confesses her funeral stalking habits, and also the fact that she loves Harold & Maude. "That’s a good movie," says Nate. "Are you married?" asks Tracy. Nate smiles and says "sort of," and they head back downstairs.
Later, Rico has brought the family over to the Fortress for the christening party. He sneaks in ahead of them to make sure everything is okay, and then waves Vanessa and the kids inside. Of course, it never even occurs to him to get Aunt Lillian out of the room, and Vanessa is understandably unsure about the idea of having a christening party with a dead body in the room. Rico rushes off to wheel Aunt Lillian away, and at long last, we’ve reached Final Party Montage. There’s Nate, standing in the doorway and watching as David holds the little baby, Ruth and Brenda get along famously, and Gabe and Claire laugh and whisper to one another. Brenda walks over to profess her love for Nate, who claims to be just thinking about how lucky he is. And then the camera pulls back, and we see The Late Nate on the stairs, smiling and watching the perfect family below. Finally, he turns, and as we slowly fade to white, he ascends his very own stairway to heaven.
Alan Ball: Listen, I just want you to know that in spite of everything, I don’t really hate you.
Aaron: You don’t?
Alan Ball: Well, okay, I do, but my therapist says I need to be more tolerant and understanding of other people, so I’m trying to work on that.
David Chase: I still hate you.
Alan Ball: Anyway, I got you a little end-of-season gift.
Aaron: You did? Aww. It’s not a corpse, is it?
Alan Ball: No.
Aaron: Outtakes from Lauren’s shower scene?
Alan Ball: No. Ew.
Aaron: Sorry.
Alan Ball: You’re close, though. Are you ready?
Aaron: Uh, sure.
Alan Ball: Okay, close your eyes. Now hold on a sec, and…open.
Aaron: Oh my God! Is that really…
Alan Ball: Yep. Now go ahead. You know you want to.
Aaron: Wow. Okay, I guess. Here goes: Marry me, Lauren.
Lauren Ambrose: Get out. Now.
David Chase: Heh. I saw that one coming from a mile away.
Well, kids, that’s it. I feel like we’ve been through heaven and hell together, so these few months in purgatory before season two should be no trouble at all. I’ll be back for Mind of the Married Man on September 11th, and you’re all invited to come and join the party over there. Especially Lauren.