Aaron gave this episode a grade of
A-
149 users have given this episode an average grade of
A-
Yep. That's right, kids. Sunday school is back in session. Now we've got a lot of ground to cover here, and not a lot of time to do it in, so sit up straight, everybody pay attention, and I'd better not catch any of you people wearing jeans. It's also going to be very important that you keep up with the required reading this season. The coursework includes texts from: The Bhagavad Gita, The Gospel of John, Nathaniel & Isabel in Mesopotamia, Blah Blah Blah Biblecakes, Alan Ball's The Indoor Bible, God's Love Is Infinite (And So Is Aaron's) by Lauren Ambrose's legal team, and, of course, Jeremy Sisto's seminal work in the field of literary Biblical interpretation: Was Jesus Really Creepy? A Stalker's Take On The Bible. And since I know you like reading with me, there WILL be a quiz in the final episode.
And speaking of Sunday school, it seems that the AOL Time Warner University's Department Of Synergistic Studies is still in full swing, as HBO is now sporting one of those WB-style "all your stars at a big party" ads. My personal favorite was the part where Edie Falco rubs James Gandolfini's big furry head, but I was also partial to the moment during the pre-show hype when Mike Binder described Rachel Griffiths as being "easy." Nice, Mike. Very nice. Asshole. And apparently, Alan Ball shares my sentiments on the subject of all this hype, because he proceeds to mock exactly the same sort of premiere party in the opening scene of his own second season premiere. Well, eventually, at least. First, however, we're treated to that most Dawsonian of all opening scenes: The fake film within a film. A nubile young blonde is cavorting about her bedroom in a pair of admittedly cute matching undies, and then all of a sudden I'm recapping Scream again. Munch -- uh, I mean, "The Butcher" smashes through the kitchen window (complete with Leatherface's mask, Freddy Krueger's penchant for sex-and-death-laden single entendres, and OJ Simpson's knife), and slices and dices the screaming blonde right into a smash cut which reveals that we're actually watching this at the movie's premiere (and the movie's name, by the way, is Whack Job, with the slogan: "Meet the butcher. He loves his work." Shout-out?). We see the recently beheaded blonde sitting in the audience with her actor boyfriend, and then wandering the party outside with her (much uglier) manager. The rest of the scene plays out as a very nicely constructed montage of a really, really bad night at a party, basically making it the Alan Ball inverse of HBO's new promo ad. Anyway, after enduring repeated warnings not to show her tits again, several trips to the bathroom to snort coke, and the wholly unnecessary mental image of Shawn Hatosy's ass, our little blonde baby finally ends up OD'd and puking in a bathroom stall. And while the sounds of everyone hightailing it out of the bathroom after she dies were hilarious, the actual shot her puking was itself a wholly unnecessary image as well. And that, my friends, is the sad, sad story of one Rebecca Leah Milford.
Alan Ball: Ahhhhhh. It's good to be back.
Lazarus: I'll say.
Alan Ball: Heh. So, did you miss me?
Lazarus: Eh. Not really. I've learned to tolerate boredom pretty well.
Alan Ball: Yeah, I guess you'd have to.
Lazarus: Actually, it's pretty easy. It's all about keeping your mind totally blank.
Alan Ball: Hmm. I'll have to try that. Whenever I'm bored I usually just end up pouring myself a glass of wine, slipping in a DVD, and sitting back to polish my Oscar and my Golden Globes for a while.
Lazarus: Ew. Now that's just wrong on soooo many levels.
Alan Ball: Sorry.
Lazarus: Un-huh. Sure you are. You know, I always used to laugh when people used the phrase "better off dead," but now I'm not so sure.
Alan Ball: Yeah. Okay, see, this is where I would ordinarily tell you to "Get out. Now," but instead I think this time I'll try "Go that way really fast. If something gets in your way, turn."
As we fade up from The Ironically White Title Card Of Death, we quickly learn that this season isn't going to be all that different from the last one. Our opening image, of course, is Nate and Brenda having sex in front of an open window. Ah, you crazy kids with your exhibitionist tendencies. Oh, how I've missed you. Only this time, Brenda stops him, because "it just isn't going to happen for [her]." Suddenly I'm consumed with the fear that Lauren Ambrose's legal team has me under surveillance and is reporting the results back to Alan Ball. Because this sort of thing happens to me all the time. I guess I must be doing it wrong. An always-ready-to-please Nate quickly dives under the covers to give Brenda some mouth-to-uh, whatever resuscitation, but even that doesn't seem to be doing the trick. Finally he gives up, and curls up to her for a long interlude of psychobabble. Brenda gives him a whole "this is not my beautiful life" speech about how if her life was a movie, it would be too boring to watch. Is that some sort of slam on the Golden Globe voters? Nate casually suggests that Brenda might be a wee bit depressed (albeit without actually using the dreaded "D" word), and Brenda wistfully agrees that she probably is. Aww. Nate loves his deeply disturbed girlfriend. How sweet.
In the Game
“ I guess that means he'll fix up her breasts with generic cat food, instead of the Fancy Feast kind. ”
Formaldehyde Fortress. Rico has brought in the boyfriend of Li'l Miss Slash 'n' Sniff (tm K-Town Girl) as a client, largely because his sister-in-law was in the movie with her. The boyfriend (Brodie, a.k.a. Shawn Hatosy) reports that LMSnS had no kin, because her "she was raised by her grandmother, who also died," and then Rico's sister-in-law adds that the cast of the movie will be paying for the funeral. Only they want the cheapest service possible. Rico, flush with the opportunity to impress his boss, cheerfully points out that Fisher & Sons offers a "variety of services for the more budget-conscious client." I guess that means he'll fix up her breasts with generic cat food, instead of the Fancy Feast kind. Just then, David's cell phone rings, and Rico makes a point of telling him to take it, because he wants to handle the sale himself.
And so David does. Turns out the call is from "Kevin," a fireman whose personal ad David has answered. He's thrilled to be hearing from him, and even more thrilled to be setting a date for that afternoon. He's so thrilled, in fact, that when Kevin tells him to look for a guy in a red baseball cap, David replies, "Great! I love red! It's one of my favorite colorsof which I have many." Rolling his eyes at his own stupidity, David quickly ends the call and looks embarrassed. He really shouldn't worry, though. In fact, if the forums are any indication, red is everyone's else favorite color for him as well.
Meanwhile, back in Das Sargzimmer, Rico is trying to display his salesmanship skills. Unfortunately, he's stymied at every turn. Brodie doesn't want to bury LMSnS, because she was afraid of the dark, and the sister-in-law wants to skip the casket altogether and just have her cremated in a cardboard box. Not willing to give up so easily, Rico attempts to foist upon them a "beautiful and unusual cremains vessel" (hee!) that's filled with ashes and Lucite dolphins. "[LMSnS] wasn't really into dolphins," replies Brodie. "I remember, somebody suggesting she boycott tuna, you know, because of the whole dolphins getting caught in the net thing. And she said, 'Fuck dolphins! I want a nicoise salad.'" I giggle. Rico looks like he wants to cry. Angelica (the sister-in-law), finally spots something she's interested in: a locket they can each wear to carry around the ashes forever. So, instead of a big movie-star funeral, Rico has managed to sell nothing but a few plastic trinkets. Remember that week when he asks to borrow money.
Once he's finally finished, Nate sums up what I'm sure is everyone's opinion of Nikolai's amazing grace. "Nikolai, you are so beautiful," he says. "You're such a beautiful person. There's this total light coming out of you." "That's a very unusual compliment," says Mom. "Your brother is, like, high," says Gabe. Nate over-fills his glass with wine, and I cringe in remembrance of a few recent hangovers. In fact, I've given up champagne for Lent, and I'm not even Catholic. Oh, wait. That's not the RDC Challenge anymore. Oops. My bad. I guess although I'm not a rookie, I'm not yet a seasoned recapper again. Oh, and also? Sweater, camembert, fluglebinder, vitamins, ontological rutabagas, Shirley Temple, Enron, ban Sorkin, and "We get it." Good luck guessing that there Challenge now, kids! Everyone watches incredulously as Nate sips directly from his glass, paws Brenda, and generally continues to make an ass out of himself. Finally, Brenda gets his attention. "Nate, you're high," she tells him, and then forces him to look up into the lights for confirmation. Peter Krause has a pitch-perfect expression on his face as he gazes up to the ceiling and replies, "Oh my God, I am high. I love the littlethey're like halos." There was some more there, but I was laughing too damn hard to hear it. "I am SO not hungry," announces Nate, ending the scene. "You are SO right about that," I immediately shouted back at the screen.
Later, Ruth and Nikolai are in the kitchen. "I think this went pretty good tonight, yes?" asks Nikolai. "What are you talking about? One of my sons is high on drugs!" exclaims Ruth, over a shot of Nate waving his arms around in the other room. "He just seems happy," says an obviously clueless Nikolai. Then Claire and Gabe enter, and report that they're going out to the movies. Claire says they'll be home late, and reminds Mom that she told them they're all adults. Mommie Drearest is about to complain, but then Claire gives her a quick kiss goodnight, and is even sweet to Nikolai, so Mom just lets her go.
Meanwhile, in the other room, however, The Wrecked-Angle Head (tm sorkinhead) is on a roll. Again, I'll just transcribe this verbatim:
Nate: It's all about flowing. It flows up, it flows down, and then sometimes things stop it from flowing and you stay, and it's like you just kinda move in a little pool, you know, like you'rein ain a little eddy. And that's what it all comes down to. It's everything. Everything in my life. Every THING. You know, this thing, this thing in my head, it's all about flow. [Long exhale.]
David: Flow?
Nate: [Longer exhale, complete with Jim Carrey-esque facial contortions.]
David: Uh-huh.
In the Game
“ The Ominous Music Of An Impending Dream Sequence in this scene sounds a lot like The Ominous Techno Music Of Sydney's About To Kick Someone's Ass that's always playing on that OTHER Sunday-night show, so at first I was little confused. ”
Nate watches David's response, and then suddenly his face lights up. "Oh my God!" he says. "Oh my God, that was so totally you. That was so totally David." Nate kneels down beside his brother and stares up at him. "I love you," he sighs, prompting Brenda to jump up and head for the door. "I hope I didn't do anything to fuck you up when we were kids. [to Brenda] Did you know I taught David how to masturbate?" I can't tell whose facial expressions are funnier here, Peter Krause's or Michael C. Hall's. It's a pretty close race. David begs Brenda to take Nate with her, but she flat-out refuses. Nate gropes her goodbye a few times, and wonders aloud how he managed to get high without taking any drugs. David finally relents and even smirks a bit as he mentions that there might have been "a stray tab of Ecstasy" hidden in the aspirin bottle, thus filling in the only two people left on the planet who haven't figured it out yet. Relieved to finally have an explanation, Brenda instructs Nate to call her week, and bolts out the door. Nate then rejoins David on the couch, and rubs both his thighs and his chest as he confesses that David's opinion of Brenda is important, because he's the only brother Nate has. This time, Michael C. Hall definitely has the funnier facial expression. But not by much.
Alan Ball: You see, it's funny because when he talks about "the flow," you think he means
Lazarus: The Big O.
Alan Ball: Yeah. But then it's really all about him dying.
Lazarus: Yeah. We get it. Because you guys are always so sneaky with all that equating sex to death stuff.
Alan Ball: Would you prefer sex and free meat?
Lazarus: Are you kidding? That would be, like, my best date ever.
Hey, there's The Butcher again. It seems Claire and Gabe have gone to see Li'l Miss Slash 'n' Sniff's movie. When Gabe realizes that the star is one of the Fishers' clients, he feels compelled to mention how hot she is. Claire is appropriately disgusted.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Nate is beginning to crash. He flips channels on the TV, coming across a few movies, an infomercial, and a bunch of hamsters having a dinner party. Apparently, the hamster thing is actually a real show, so props to whoever on the editing staff managed to dig up that clip. After hearing some mysterious laughter from another room, Nate gets up from the sofa, and The Ominous Music Of An Impending Dream Sequence kicks in as he enters a plushly decorated room to find The Late Nate and two others playing a game of Chinese checkers. And actually, The Ominous Music Of An Impending Dream Sequence in this scene sounds a lot like The Ominous Techno Music Of Sydney's About To Kick Someone's Ass that's always playing on that OTHER Sunday-night show, so at first I was little confused.
In the Game
“ Yeah. Uh, okay. You had me up until here, Alan, but this is where it crossed the line. Anytime I start looking around expecting a midget to come out and start talking backwards, you know you've got a problem. ”
The Late Nate invites his boy in, and introduces his friends. First up is Death, played by Stanley Kamel, a smarmy-looking businessman in a fancy suit. And the other is Life, who is played, as apparently always, by a jolly black woman. Um, which casting director decided that God could only ever be played by cheerful African-African women? I'm serious. Did I miss a memo on that or something? ["Could be worse. Could be Alanis Morissette." -- Sars] Nate is shocked to learn that Dad has been hanging out with both Life and Death, but Life (hereafter known as The Fat Black Sex God) points out that it's "a whole yin-yang thing." "Let's just say it's a mutually beneficial arrangement," adds Death. Dad invites Nate to join the game, and Death again scores points by mentioning the episode title (SttM = 2,719) when he says, "You're either in the game, or you're out of it." "On or off the bus, if you prefer," clarifies The Late Nate, to much amusement on my part. Nate sits down, agrees to bet "everything" on the outcome, and makes his first move. I have absolutely no idea how Chinese Checkers is played, so I won't be providing any play-by-play on the game itself. But that's actually okay, because they only manage a few more moves before Death starts showing off by adding the spliced-in sound of a lion's roar to his dialogue track. Apparently impressed with his growling skills, The Fat Black Sex God asks, "Do you want to fuck me, puppethead?" Then they jump up, head over to another chair, and start wildly humping each other. Yeah. Uh, okay. You had me up until here, Alan, but this is where it crossed the line. Anytime I start looking around expecting a midget to come out and start talking backwards, you know you've got a problem. Nate slides over to Dad, who informs him that they're watching "a big cosmic mystery, right here, right in front of you. Can't say your old man never took you anyplace interesting." Nate repeats over and over again that he knows he's high, but it doesn't help. We keep cutting back to Life and Death schtupping anyway. ["His disciples say unto him, 'Master, the Jews of late sought to stone thee; and goest thou thither again?'" -- John 11:8] "All that lives, lives forever," says The Late Nate, stroking his son's hair. "Only the shell, the perishable passes away. The spirit is without end, eternal, deathless."
And with that, Nate awakens on the sofa. He picks up a pen and a TV Guide, and starts scrawling on the back cover. Fade to white.
Oy. It's 6:30 now, and I've still got fifteen minutes of show to go. And just so you know, I've been up since 6:00 AM working on this recap. I'm seriously doing this on like eight minutes' sleep. Anyway, it appears that David has just woken up as well, as he sits in the kitchen in his PJs and calls Keith. Keith, however, is still asleep (lucky bastard), and he groggily rubs his eyes as he says hello. David goes on about how much he enjoyed their little lunch with Eddie (who's sleeping right beside Keith), and then slyly mentions that if Keith ever wanted to do anything with "just the two of [them]," he'd be, uh, up for it, so to speak. Keith tries to gently break it to David that he's happy with Eddie now, and that David is just going to have to get used to it. David gets pissed at this and hangs up, but not before shouting, "Jesus, Keith! Could you be a little more self-righteous?"
“ I was going to include an MP3 here so that those of you without cable could understand the true hilarity of this song, but apparently that's some sort of copyright violation, and Lauren's lawyers take those things very seriously. So, sorry. You'll just have to trust me. Again. Or get cable, which you should have done ten years ago anyway. ”
Just then, Mommie Drearest comes downstairs and joins her son in the kitchen. David asks if Nikolai slept over, and then quite nicely tells his mom that she has every right to have a boy sleep over if she wants. "I know that," she replies. "I don't need your permission." "Nor do I need yours," he answers. They agree, and chat a little about how horrible last night's dinner was. Ruth says that she did it all for him, because "some stupid book" told her to. Then she asks if Nate is addicted to drugs. "I think he took it by accident," says David. "Oh please," replies Ruth. "How can something like that be an accident?" Get it? Do you? Because, you know, she took some by accident too, remember?
And now for the funeral. We see a photo of Li'l Miss Slash 'n' Sniff, and then Ugly Manager gives a eulogy, which basically consists of holding up her little locket full of ashes and talking about how LMSnS's star shone too brightly for this world. Gabe and Claire are sitting in the back, with Gabe cracking jokes and making ominous comments about how "everybody dies." Then he gets up and walks out, and we see Nate and David in their usual positions by the back entrance. Nate still can't figure out how Ecstasy got into the aspirin bottle. At first he thinks it was Claire, but then David admits that he's the one who put it there. Nate smiles and asks, "Well, do you think you could get some more?" Heh.
Brodie the Boyfriend steps up to the podium to speak about his now-dead girlfriend. After announcing that he wrote something just for her, he puts one finger up to his ear, and bursts into song. And yet again, I'm forced to transcribe it verbatim, because it's just too good to miss a word:
Tiny Venus, your breath like baby rabbits on a field abuzz with bees and life
Little did you know how briefly the sun would shine upon your own private utopia
Your candle may have been blown out, but you hang in the air
Like smoke
Bwa ha ha ha! I was going to include an MP3 here so that those of you without cable could understand the true hilarity of this song, but apparently that's some sort of copyright violation, and Lauren's lawyers take those things very seriously. So, sorry. You'll just have to trust me. Again. Or get cable, which you should have done ten years ago anyway.
Cut to the Body Shop, where Claire catches Gabe looking guilty. "It was a stupid idea for me to come to a funeral for fun," he says, in what may well qualify as one of The Top Twelve "Duh" Lines Of All Time. Claire tries to console him, but he gets all angry, screaming, "I'm not a pet! I'm not your pet!" before stalking out of the room. Claire is left alone, looking sad and almost to the point of crying. Aww. Poor Lauren. Don't cry, sweetie. It makes me so sad to see her like this. Wow. I guess I really am a stalker. ["When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled." -- John 11:33] Also, when is she going to learn that whenever Gabe starts acting like a bad boy, it's usually because he's really just been a bad boy? Well, actually, judging from the previews, she'll probably be learning that week.