Knock, Knock

Apparently, your whole life has been leading up to a round of golf with Garrison Hershberger and that girl from Grace Under Fire. No, not Alan Ball. The other one. No, not Brett Butler. I said "girl." Anyway, the Grace Under Fire Girl is Gilardis boss, and shes berating him about buying up more independent funeral homes because Kroehner needs cheap real estate they can unload at a profit. All you need to know about her character is summed up in the following line of dialogue: "Hey, fuck you with the maam shit! You call me that one more time and Ill have your balls on a plate, your spleen on a stick, and your heart bubble-wrapped and Fed-Exed to your mama, all right?" Since this episode was written and directed by the man whos already given us a porn-star Cybill Shepherd, Im betting that line was something Brett Butler actually said to him at some point. Anyway, the surrogate Brett teases a fake death with some chest pains, and then belches and blames it on the escargot she had for lunch. Then she hacks an absolutely horrible tee shot, shouting, "Goddammit, I hooked it!" as the ball curves to the right. Which of course makes it a slice, not a hook, but since Alan seems to be having so much fun exorcising the demons of his past employers, Ill let it slide. The ball smacks into the head of a middle-aged woman, who is reading peacefully on a bench in the shade. She promptly keels over dead, dropping her book to the Welsh Corgi at her side. Now I know youre all going to groan at this one, but it simply has to be said. That head injury is the worst case of "Fore!"-shadowing Ive ever seen.

David Chase: "Fore!"-shadowing? Wow. Thats just wrong.
Alan Ball: Tell me about it. Can we go back to the last episode, please?
David Chase: Why not? Everyone else is.
Alan Ball: So are you actually gonna watch this Band of Brothers thing?
David Chase: I dont know. I hear that Heathen chick is pretty cool.
Alan Ball: Ahh, Deadline. And Oliver Platt calls himself a producer.
David Chase: I know. Whats up with that?

Nate is once again taking the funeral director exam, this time in a room with scenery and extras that are considerably less dramatic than the last time. I guess that means we can assume hell pass. Hes interrupted by the beeping of his pager. Its Brenda, and she "needs" him. I think the Chenowith family has some serious neediness issues, dont you? The Ironic Segue Fairy cuts us to the Formaldehyde Fortress, where someone (presumably Brenda) is frantically ringing the doorbell. When David answers, however, it turns out to be -- gasp! -- Tracy The Annoying Funeral Stalker. Well, I guess its a "gasp" if you didnt notice that the DGDJs name was "Lillian Grace Montrose." Or if you havent seen it nine times like I have. Tracy envelops David in a bear hug, and sobs that she didnt know where else to go. David tries to explain again that hes gay, but Tracy quickly interrupts to say that she needs to plan a funeral before adding, "Oh, David, please. You need to get over yourself." It turns out that our little whackjob is actually a big-time party planner, so she has lots of ideas about how the funeral should go. She did this "huge New Line party for the Golden Globes last year. The Hollywood Reporter called it resplendent. And it was." I think its safe to say that Alan Ball wont be seeming stingy with the shout-outs in this, his seasonal send-off. Nor will Aaron be avoiding any alliteration, apparently. Anyway, we cut to Tracy on her hands-free cellular, threatening some supplier while David helplessly tries to get her to sign the McGuffin. I mean, "contract." After hanging up the phone, Tracy assures David that a contract wont be necessary because Aunt Lillian was loaded. And also because Tracy plans to sue the country club, which shes disliked ever since her debut when "one of the Chinese busboys made a really inappropriate comment about the neckline of [her] dress." Helpless before the sheer force of her blather, David can only stare as she strides purposefully away.

Nate, fresh from the very last time the funeral director exam will ever be mentioned on this show, rushes over to Brendas house. He finds her on the back porch, smoking a joint and lounging in front of a wall of marijuana plants. I guess Alan decided to bring his stash in to work that day, presumably to share at the wrap party in an effort to ensure that none of his writers ever feel the need to mock him when they get their own shows. She snipes at Nate for taking so long to arrive, but quickly apologizes when he reminds her about the test. She wants to go see Billy, because she can feel that he "needs" her. See what I mean with the neediness? Nate must be needy as well, because he agrees to go with her.

Over at the school, Claire and Parker The Dangerslut are camped out on the back gate of the Lean Green Corpse Machine. Parker is planning a little get-together at her Dads "total party house in Bel-Air," and she wants Claire to be there. Then she asks whats up with Claire and "Mr. OD," and somehow manages to seem both tactless and sincere at the same time. Claire describes Gabe as being "incredibly strong," but The Dangerslut isnt sure if thats a good thing. That doesnt stop her from inviting Claire to bring him along to the party, however.

Our Lady Of Eternal Ironys Home For The Criminally Creepy. Nate and Brenda make their way through a ward of mental patients before finally coming across Brother Billy, whos been placed oh so dramatically alone in an empty hallway. Brenda doesnt want to upset Billy, so Nate has to go wait with the other nuts, which is something hes only too happy to do. Brenda slowly makes her way down to Billy, whos surprised to see her, even though hes clearly been heavily medicated. She asks how he doing, and hes surprisingly philosophical about the whole thing. "Whatever I was feeling before," he says, "Im not feeling it now." And just like the Creepy Jesus he so clearly is, hes now repentant for his sins. "I hate that my blood makes me crazy. I hate that I cant function without being chemically alteredI hate that I fucked up your life." Brenda laughs, and sighs that she did that last one on her own. Billy apologizes and begs for her forgiveness before returning to his Zen-psycho rap and professing to have "some weird-ass karma." "It feels like tears are streaming down my cheeks," he intones. "But theyre not, are they?" Given his lineage, Im surprised he doesnt add something about "all these moments being lost in time, like tears in the rain." I should probably throw something in there about attack ships and the shoulder of Orion so that people other than Pontoon will get the Blade Runner joke, but Im just gonna go ahead and trust your cinematic savvy on this one. Brenda, by the way, still is capable of crying, and a single, perfect tear for her confused and creepy little brother winds its way slowly down her cheek. Billy finally absolves her of any guilt, and tells her that hell be happy as long as she is. Its exactly what Brenda wanted to hear, which is why she hugs him so tightly, but its also why I wonder if the drugs have as much of an effect on his manipulative streak as they do on his emotions. Billy gives us one last Creepy Jesus glare, holding his sister and calling her beautiful. Bye-bye, Billy. Youve donequestionable things, but we love you anyway.

So if the Chenowiths are the family that puts the "crazy" back into "crazy freaking lunatics," then the Fishers are apparently the ones who put the "function" right back into "dysfunctional." Once again were watching happy home movies of a young family Fisher, with little David and Nate playing around with their father and what appears to be two live ducks. Watching along with us are The Late Nate and Claire, whos upset to discover that there are no home movies of her. Dad explains that he used the camera all the time when the boys were young, but by the time she came around, it was all "been there, done that." "Yeah, I know," snarks back Claire, but Dad just hopes that all that attention she never got will "motivate [her] to get up off [her] ass, and make something of [her] life." Claire laughs, and a door slams, and suddenly the dream is over and Claire is jolted awake on the couch. Ruth storms in and immediately announces that shes just been fired. "That sucks," is all a still-sleepy Claire can manage. "Yes it does," replies Ruth. "And if you want to know the truth, I think I was victim of sexual harassment!" She recaps the whole angry Nikolai situation for Claire, who cant believe it. "Oh my God! What a dork!" she says. "I know," answers Mom. "Can you believe it?" She goes on to add that with "a certificate in floral arranging, [she] can get a job anywhere." Flush with feminist fury, Claire defiantly shouts, "Screw Nikolai," and Ruth runs off to do precisely that. Well, okay, its actually not for another thirty minutes, but it does happen.

David Chase: Im totally taking that duck thing as a season one shout-out.
Alan Ball: As well you should. I mean, you didnt really think Id forget to give props to my Sunday Nights On HBO buddy, did you? Oh, and by the way, that stripper in the Vegas episode? That was all for you, my friend.
Aaron: Hey, can I be your Sunday Nights On HBO buddy, too?
Alan Ball: Good God, no. No, I get printouts from my assistant, so youre usually my Tuesday Afternoons In The Mens Room buddy.
Aaron: Aww, come on. You know youre gonna miss me. Everyone else just kisses your ass all the time, but Im like that one sassy friend who always tells it like it is. Im just keeping it real, dude!
Alan Ball: Oh my God. What a dork.
David Chase: I know. Can you believe it?
Alan Ball: At least this is his last recap. Nineteen more pages, and then we wont have to hear from him until season.

Back in Brendas Bad Backdrop Bronco, Brenda is asking Nate if hes ever thought about getting married, which, for reasons that will become clear in a moment, makes this the perfect time for me to take a little digression. As you know, with SFU off until March and The Sopranos off until the ice age, Im scheduled to become an unrestricted free agent at the end of the season here. Because ownership has deemed my eminently reasonable salary demands "outrageous and exorbitant" (and while I can understand why the insurance company nixed my flying the corporate jet, I still dont get how management can think that no one could ever possibly need a luxury skybox from which to watch their show), the sites original plan was to trade me to the WB Scoop for three recapping prospects and some cash. But (for obvious reasons), that deal fell through, and after several weeks of intense negotiations between my agent and MBTV GM and Director of Recap Operations Sars, Im pleased to announce the signing of a new, ten-episode, $253-million-dollar contract to recap The Mind of the Married Man right here on HBO Sunday Nights where I belong. The deal grants me a reduced half-hour workload and special no-commercials/no-repeats bonus clauses, and in exchange Ive agreed to finish the recaps sometime earlier than ten minutes before the show starts. Or two weeks after the last one, for that matter. Anyway, the point is, Ill be seeing you all right back here in a few weeks, and this time, if were lucky, the show really will suck. I mean, do we really need a Dream On for the new millennium? Then again, who would have thought that "Marry me, Lauren" would be the "Get out. Now" for this new season?

So where were we again? Oh yeah. The Bad Backdrop Bronco. Brenda asks Nate if hes ever thought about getting married. Nate not very convincingly says that he has, but also points out that theyve only been dating for six months. "Oh, I didnt realize you were counting the days," snarks Brenda. "Do you mark them off at night like a prisoner in his cell? Like the Count of fucking Monte Cristo?" Nate wants to know why shes suddenly so interested in getting married, and then Brenda digs in even deeper by mentioning that she might want children as well. When Nate seems a little flustered by all this, Brenda forces him to admit that this has been his longest relationship ever. "Oh, and what about you?" he counters angrily. "Do you know how many guys would have fucking skipped out on you after all the psycho shit youve put me through?" Well, I certainly know I would have. They rehash the whole "you want to bail/no, you want me to bail" thing yet again, but this time theyre interrupted when Nate grabs the steering wheel to swerve away from the cheesy-looking truck thats barreling down on them. The Bronco screeches across the highway and smashes into a parked car as the truck skids to a stop. Dun DUN dun!

The Body Shop. David and Rico are working on Aunt Lillian, when Rico decides that now would be the perfect time to ask the boss for a favor. As someone who holds a highly "Dilbert"-esque day job, let me give all you kids out there a quick little business behavior tip: The best time to ask your boss for a favor is either late in the afternoon when theyre on their way out the door, or right after theyve gotten back from vacation. It is never, ever, right after youve insulted their sexuality. Or really, after youve insulted them at all. Bosses tend to not like that for some reason. For example, I made sure to ask Sars about recapping Mind of the Married Man BEFORE turning in this recap late. Had I done it the other way around, I probably would have gotten stuck with some crappy network show like The Amazing Race. Ew. Networks have cooties. Anyway, Rico wants to use the Fortress to hold a christening party for the new baby, and he does at least partially redeem himself by adding that he wants all the Fishers (David included) to be there, because he still thinks of their family as an extension of his own. Apparently moved by this sentiment, David quickly agrees, and he and Rico share a nice little embalmers bonding moment. Their reverie is interrupted, however, by the arrival of yet another fax. "Now what?" asks David, as Rico grabs the paper. "Has Tracy decided to have Aunt Lillian cremated and her ashes placed in a Faberge egg? Can we do it by seven tonight?" Actually, what it really says is, "Father Jack is gay." "Oh, good grief," exclaims David, in his finest Charlie Brown impersonation.

Suddenly, were in an ambulance. Theres a paramedic guy speaking rapidly into a radio, and Ive read enough of Wing Chuns recaps to know that hes giving the proverbial "bullet." Brenda is unconscious with a head injury and a bunch of other medical mumbo-jumbo, and Nate -- or Patient #2, as they insist on calling him -- is awake but disoriented. Well, more disoriented than usual, I guess. An unfortunately framed close-up lets us know that all the bountiful and diverse denizens of the thorny thickets that Peter Krause calls sideburns are merely shaken, and not seriously injured. Well, thank god for that.

Okay, so raise your hand if you ever pulled this same stunt when you were a kid. You know, getting a friend to call and pretend to be a parent so you could stay out all night. I used to do it all the time. By the way, hi Mom. Remember Mr. Walker? Yeah, that was actually my friend Marc. He says hi too, by the way. Anyway, Parker assures Mommie Drearest that there will be "proper adult supervision," and further informs her that "there isnt any liquor in the house. You see, my husband and I are both alcoholics, and Parker is fresh out of rehab, so well take really good care of Claire. Kisses!" Dangerslut hangs up and then cracks up, but Claire just describes that as "mean." Meanwhile, Gabe is outside by the pool, and hes been reunited with Peanut Testicle and another guy Ill just call The Cashew Kid. Gabe has apparently backed off his "porn party" theory, because he now describes the scene as a typical "Hollywood ass-waxing party. Everyones wearing leatheror rubber." Okay, so maybe he hasnt backed off the porn theory. Anyway, PT mocks Gabe for being off "getting [his] toes sucked" with Claire while the boys were out pulling a "Beer Cow." "What the fuck is a Beer Cow?" asks Gabe, while declining a hit on the joint theyve started passing. The Cashew Kid explains that they went to buy beer, but when they discovered that no one had money, they all started "mooing" really loudly. The clerk got so freaked out that they just took the beer and left. You know, as juvenile and childish as that clearly is, it does sorta sound like fun. Gabe certainly seems to think so, because he does accept the joint the time its passed, and takes a couple of deep hits in quick succession.

Okay, so lets pretend for a moment that were all new visitors to Alan Ball World. Now, if I were to say to you that a certain character is more afraid of death than any other character, what would you expect to happen to that person? Well, in the real world, theyd probably end up as a megalomaniacal overcompensater like Bill Gates. But in Alan Ball World, we can all safely assume that a fear of death is the fastest possible ticket to having to actually deal with death on a very personal basis. I mention all this only because theres a scene here where the doctor gives Nate the lowdown on his condition. Basically, he seems to be afflicted with a disease that manifests extremely minor physical symptoms, yet could still cause him to drop dead at any second. In other words, hes got an inflamed plot point. Anyone experiencing similar symptoms at home should see your doctor immediately, followed by a deep, cleansing bath to wash away the thick deposits of irony that may be building up inside your skull.

Cut to Ruth driving Nate and Brenda home from the hospital and complaining that they waited an entire day to call and tell her about the accident. Nate assures her that hes fine, and Brenda says the same from the back seat. But then Nate turns to look at her, and instead finds The Late Nate back there. "Hoo, boy! This time its personal," Dad says, before vanishing again. Bwah! Nate shakes it off and goes back to staring out his window.

Parkers Party. And this time its personal, as Parker and her Boy Toy Du Jour are macking all statutory-rape-style in her parents bedroom. Now, if Parker is having sex, that must be Claires cue to walk in on her, and -- hey, look, there she is. Claire asks if theyve seen Gabe before quickly ducking back out of the room, and then we cut straight to Gabe himself, as he, PT, and The Cashew Kid are preparing to pull a Beer Cow at a nearby convenience store. Because repeatedly yelling "Moo!" apparently just wasnt enough fun for Gabe, hes expanded the boundaries of the Beer Cow concept to include the use of firearms. Man, I remember when they tried that in the NHL, and it was a total disaster. Then again, a "Beer Cow" does sound like something Marty McSorley would do. Anyway, the actual robbery scene is hilarious, with PT and The Cashew Kid getting in a few good moos before Gabe pulls out the very gun that killed his brother. While the security camera above the register captures the entire incident, Gabe orders the clerk to empty the register before giving a final "moo" of his own and dashing out of the store.

David Chase: "Moo." Heh. I like that.
Alan Ball: Thanks.
David Chase: On the other hand, its still not as funny as spelling out "poo" and "ass" in a Scrabble game.
Alan Ball: Of course it is, you fucking moron.
David Chase: Hey!
Alan Ball: What? I thought we were doing the catchphrase thing.
David Chase: Uh, no.
Alan Ball: Oh. Sorry.
David Chase: Eh, what are you gonna do?

The Ironic Segue Fairy, who has apparently been forced to work overtime due to the mysterious disappearance of the Ironic Musical Detachment Fairy, cuts us straight from the robbers to the cop, as David and Keith are hanging out in a coffee shop somewhere. David is going on and on about how he's tired of all the prejudice and the shame. He also swears a lot, so we know hes serious. Then he casually mentions that he has to give a devotional reading at Mass that Sunday, and I instantly cringed in anticipation of the inevitable triumphant speech. Oh, and he also confides that he came out to Ruth, and it was "really uncomfortable," despite the fact that shes still "just as weird as always." Keith claims he has to leave and go meet Eddie, but for some reason, he cant seem to drag himself away. Aww. Its so cute. Theyre like two little awkward boys on their first date. Keith finally manages to make it to the door, saying, "Take care, David," as he steps outside. As soon is the door is safely shut behind him, David snarks, "Say hi to Eddie for me." Heh. But then we pan over to see Darth Gayder, oh-so-artfully framed by a big red stop sign. Hmm. Is that an omen for season two, or just Alan Ball looking for a cool shot?

Parkers Party redux. Claire is camped out on the sofa, watching some girl snort lines in the kitchen. The Late Nate appears and asks if she wants to do "what those really cool kids in there are doing." When she says no, The Late Nate mentions that he likes her boyfriend. Really? I guess that makes him the only one then, huh? He cant put his finger on exactly why he likes him, though, and before Claire can get clarification (get it?), Gabe and the Boys return, and The Late Nate vanishes. As soon as she sees Gabe, Claire leaps to her feet to greet him. "Did you miss me?" he asks. "Not that much, Ego-Man," she replies, which I liked, but you can also see that she really did miss him, which I liked for completely different reasons. They hug, and Claires eyes suddenly go wide, presumably because she feels the gun in his belt, and not because hes just happy to see her.

Formaldehyde Fortress. More frantic doorbell ringing. Nate answers this time, and Tracy barely lets him get a word in before running down her list of complaints once again. When she shows him the "nick" in the casket, Nate quickly offers to knock a hundred bucks off the price. Yep, thats right, folks. The man has a gift. Tracy, however, is still screeching about getting a new coffin, so Nate brings up the fact that she hasnt signed a contract yet, and says that shes not allowed to complain anymore until she does. Then he goes really nuts and starts shouting at her. "You ought to thank your fucking stars that youre alive and healthy, and that you dont live in a place where you have to work like a dog just to starve or get shot in the streets." Alan Ball then dips his comedic pen into the rapid-mood-swing inkwell one last time, having Nate follow that mini-diatribe up with a super-polite "Ill be right back with that contract." Fade to white.

We fade back in on what appears to be a home movie of Claire, descending the Fortress steps in her Psycho Beach Party pigtails. The Late Nate appears with his camera, but she tells him that even if he's "trying to get [his] wings," its still too late to make up for all the missed opportunities. Dad, however, has finally figured out what it is that he likes about Gabe: "Hell be headed over to my neck of the woods pretty soon." Well, duh. I mean, who doesnt like that about Gabe? Anyway, Claire jerks awake once again, only this time shes been sleeping on the sofa at Parkers place. She looks up to see the Dangerslut herself, macking on a totally new Boy Toy Du Jour. Then she rolls over and shares a tender moment with Gabe, which inspires me, in the immortal words of one William Martin Joel, to leave a tender moment alone.

In yet another nice bit of symmetry from the opening episodes, we get another taste of the Jogger-Cam, as Nate runs. And runs. And then runs some more. Gee, do you think he could be mocking death? Im not really sure. Hes still running, by the way.