Yeah. I know. I'm messing with your finely honed schedules here. In fact, the original title for this week was going to be "Death, Taxes, and Recaps on Sundays," but then I realized that future generations reading the site would likely treat the idea of my turning in a recap early with the same sort of disdain we currently reserve for unicorn sightings, rumors of Atlantis, and whatever comes out of Gary Condit's mouth. So I bagged that idea. The fact is, I'm going out of town this weekend (but fear not -- barring any difficulties with the U.S. Customs Service, I'll be back in time for the finale), so I had to get this one in a wee bit early. I'd tell you where I'm going, but Sars has sworn me to secrecy. Let's just say that the future of human civilization as we now know it rests in my hands, so if I were you, I'd be out building a bomb shelter right now, instead of reading this recap. But that's just me.
Anyway, this week's opening death is by far the best of the series to date, and also the saddest. The whole thing is shot from the perspective of the soon-to-be DGDJ, who just so happens to be a three-week-old infant named Dillon. As we look out through the bars of his crib, little Dillon's parents enter the room to check up on him. There's some cooing and cuddling, and then there's finally a textually relevant usage of the famed funky focus tricks as Dad opines that the baby doesn't quite look right. After a few more quick tugs at the heartstrings, Mom sends Dad back to bed, starts up the little black-and-white mobile above the crib, and sits down to watch over her baby. As she does, Sweet Baby Dillon turns his attention back to the mobile, and as it spins down closer and closer, and slower and slower, and the ominous smiley-face printed upon it fills the frame, we finally fade to white. Farewell, Dillon Michael Cooper. And hello director Michael Engler, who did a damn fine job this week.
We fade back up from the Ironically White Title Card Of Death to see David, waking up some random guy who's spent the night in -- gasp! -- David's bedroom at the Fortress. There are empty beer bottles and other, uh, party-type items scattered around the room, and David is pretty insistent that his date needs to get out. Now. As the kid rouses himself from the bed, he observes that David was "a lot nicer online." Heh. Aren't we all? Well, except for me, I guess. I know I come off all cold and heartless (and slightly stalkerish) in these recaps, but I'm really just a big, soft, fluffy bunny inside. Then again, I think it's probably a bit more likely that was a slam on theotherAaron Rick Cleveland deals with online. Anyway, Date Boy needs a nickname, and considering what happens , the fact that these two met online, and the almost Aaron-like level of popularity it enjoys as an appellation amongst the male MBTV readership, I think "Jeremy Drencher" is the natural choice. David continues playing the grumpy grouch as Jeremy gets dressed and heads for the door. As he walks out, he calls back, "See you in the chat rooms, Jim." You know, this is almost exactly how I picture the mornings after for all the people in the MBTV couples thread.
Outside in the driveway, Ruth is working on her flowers as Jeremy exits. He stops to tie his shoes and light up a cigarette, and Ruth simply stares in shock. Then she flashes on the funniest bondage scene since Dolly Parton strung up Dabney Coleman with a garage door opener. A shirtless David is chained to a bolt on his bedroom ceiling, cackling madly as a leather-bound Jeremy flails away at him with a whip. Cut back to the driveway, where Jeremy cheerfully greets Ruth, and she promptly responds by drenching him with a garden hose. Heh. He turns away, still dripping, and calls her a "fucking bitch" as he leaves. Just as Jeremy rounds the corner, David emerges, giving us at long last an answer to the question which has plagued mankind since the dawn of time. Or at least since I asked it in last week's recap. Turns out, David's room is over the garage. Who knew? Anyway, he says hi to his Mom as he heads inside the Fortress proper, but all she can do is glare.
Over at Brenda's Brotherfucking Boudoir, Brenda and Nate are getting their 8:00 AM wake-up call from the very brother in question. He's ranting into her answering machine, and since the relative merits of, you know, TURNING DOWN THE VOLUME have already been done to death in the forums, I'll just move on with the recap. Billy explains that he doesn't just "need" Brenda, he "NEEDS" Brenda, and she says "fuck you, Billy" about a million billion times in reply. Then Nate wakes up and eyes a surprisingly stoic Brenda as Billy screams that she's a bitch and finally hangs up the phone. At this point, we move squarely into the exposition exhibition, as Nate reminds Brenda that he's off to "Vegas, baby!" for the Western States Funeral Directors Conference, where he desperately hopes to confront Gilardi about burning down the house across the street. In a pun so unfortunate and obscure that you'd think I wrote it, Brenda describes the whole Gilardi situation as an "ongoing pissing contest." Gee, I can't wait to see the photos from that one. Anyway, Nate starts getting dressed, but now that the show has firmly established its fan base, he doesn't even bother flashing the Trapezoid Butt anymore. He's got no qualms whatsoever, however, about showing off the foreboding primeval forest of chest hair that he's just now sheathing. Nate finishes up his exposition responsibilities by adding that David is nervous about some big speech he'll be giving, because it was originally scheduled to be delivered by The Late Nate, and David has agreed to step in. What convention schedules speakers eight months in advance? I'm going to one this weekend, and the only thing definite on the agenda so far is that we'll be sitting in the smoking section at all the restaurants. As Nate heads out of the bedroom, he promises to call Brenda, unless he's "flailing about in the pool having sex with some showgirl." Wow. An actual, bona fide, Showgirls shout-out. I didn't think anyone actually did that anymore. But as we'll learn later, this one was no fluke, girl.
Das Sargzimmer. Mr. and Mrs. Cooper (parents of Baby Dillon) are seated on the sofa, with David and Nate facing them. Rick Cleveland and Michael Engler proceed to run down pretty much their entire clipboard checklist of SFU Standards in this one single scene. Basically, David acts all stuffy and only cares about making the arrangements and setting the price, while Nate gets all touchy-feely and uses his "gift" to console the grieving parents. And, of course, it's all shot with, like, no depth-of-field whatsoever. Then again, it is the perfect introduction for all the new viewers this show seems to have pulled in over the past couple of weeks. I mean, the forums are going crazy, people! Crazy, I say! Anyway, the point of the scene is supposed to be that the parents didn't know people had funerals for babies that young, but somehow it ends up coming off like they couldn't even grasp that the baby was dead in the first place.
Before I can really care about any of that, however, we cut downstairs to the Body Shop, where Rico has made his triumphant return. The bad news is that he's immediately presented with Baby Dillon's corpse to embalm. Nate pats him on the shoulder and delivers a sarcastic "welcome back," but Rico can't seem to take his eyes off the body. David anal retentives a bunch of information about their Vegas trip and all the rules to follow while they're away, but the camera just slowly pushes in on Rico as he continues to focus on the baby.
Later, David is in his room packing. Ruth enters, and discovers David's suitcase hanging from the same bolt in the ceiling to which he was chained in her bondage vision. Bwah! Frances Conroy's reaction shot here makes me giggle every single time I watch it. She announces that she brought David some t-shirts, and that they're even "still warm from the dryer." Of course they are. You've got, like, seven thousand laundry machines in that house, and God only knows how many there are in the garage. Mom sits down on the bed, and notices both an open condom wrapper on the floor, and a bottle of what I'm just going to assume is some form of lubricant. David suddenly spots the mess he's left, and kicks the wrapper under the bed while simultaneously using the t-shirts to hide the lube. Incidentally, the MBTV SFU t-shirts are a great conversation starter. That Grim Reaper on the front is usually the perfect expression for my mood. You guys should all buy, like, nineteen of them right away. Mommie Drearest finally screws up enough courage to pose the big question, saying, "I just want to know. Are you..." Before she can say the dreaded G-word, however, David interrupts to suggest that they wait to have this conversation until after he returns from Vegas. Ruth thinks that's the best idea she's ever heard, and quickly hustles out of the room.
Out in front of the Fortress, Claire is pacing on the porch. She's on the phone with Gabe's SadMom, and all we hear is her side of the conversation as she learns that Gabe has been found in a hospital somewhere. As Thomas Newman kicks in the plucky, synthesized Chords of Impending Conflict, Claire dashes off the porch and right into a shot of the Lean Green Corpse Machine squealing out of the driveway.
The flower shop. Ruth arrives, and is immediately told by Nikolai The Boss Guy that she's ten minutes late. Nikolai doesn't really care about her being late, but he does say that they need to talk, and that "it's about [her] work." "I said I was sorry for being late," replies Ruth. Aww. Not because I'm worried that she's going to get fired or anything, but because it reminds me of every conversation I've ever had with Sars. Nikolai explains that Ruth sucks at flower arranging, and that from now on she'll work the register while Robbie does the arranging. Robbie, by the way, is played by Joel Brooks, an actor who, if he hasn't already, will no doubt one day be ending up on the losing side of a 2 Stars 1 Slot Battle of the Stereotypically Semitic Sissies with Harvey Fierstein. Ruth tries to argue, but Nikolai shuts her down, and the scene ends as Robbie smirks and simpers past the camera.
In the Fortress driveway, Nate and David are packing up the car. Nate asks whether David is going to "nail Gilardi for that arson job in [his] speech." Whatever. About the only thing that could liven up the Gilardi plot line at this point would be if Nate asked David if he was just going to "nail Gilardi," and left it at that. Although, I do think I've at least figured out why they're resurrecting this one from the subplot subbasement (tm Sobell -- and why not? It's Vegas, baby!). I'm laying 25-1 odds that Gilardi is season's Big Bad. David declares that he doesn't want Nate to do anything confrontational, and Nate is forced to remind him that David once threatened to kill Gilardi and his entire family. Suddenly, Brenda appears in her Not-At-All-Lean Green Machine, and announces that she'll be joining them on their trip. Nate responds with a questionably enthusiastic, "Uh, great," which is pretty much how I felt about this development as well. Brenda explains that she needs to get out of town for a while, and Michael C. Hall somehow manages to look incredibly cute doing nothing more than popping the trunk with his key-chain remote.
As Nate and Brenda hug in the driveway, the Ironic Segue Fairy overdubs Rico shouting, "Oh my God! Is that a penis?" Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time a girl had said that to me. If I did, I'd probably only need to borrow a quarter to buy a stamp. And you can insert your own Austin Powers 2 joke here, because I'm on a tight deadline, and that movie sucked ass anyway. ["You suck ass! That movie rules!" -- Wing Chun] Rico and Vanessa are at the doctor's office, and the aforementioned penis is appearing on an ultrasound or a sonogram or whatever they call that big mass of undifferentiated white dots that my pregnant co-worker keeps insisting is a picture of her baby. The OB/GYN explains that the baby is fine, but warns Vanessa that she has a touch of pre-eclampsyia. Hmm. Did Rick Cleveland ever write for ER by any chance, or was it just The West Wing? The doctor then lays all kinds of warnings and orders for bed rest on Vanessa, while simultaneously insisting that everything will be just peachy keen. I know we're supposed to be worried that something bad is going to happen to Rico's baby, but until I see some actual brother-fucking in the Brotherfucking Boudoir, I'm not gonna believe anything these guys hint at anymore.
In another part of the hospital (or possibly in a different hospital altogether), Claire walks into Gabe's room carrying a stack of magazines and the still bleeding remains of my heart. SadMom, by the way, seems to have gotten over said sadness, and will henceforth be christened MeanMom (as Mommie Dearest is almost, but not quite, already taken). MeanMom tears into Claire right away, claiming that she doesn't have any more money to pay the funeral home because Gabe ODed and now she has to spend it all on his hospital bills. Then she announces that she's heading out for "coffee and smokes," and disappears. For once, she and I agree on something. I'll be right back. Flick. Ahhhhhh. Okay, so Claire finally steps into the room, and after she stammers her way through the obligatory anti-drug PSA, Gabe gets all hostile and starts screaming at her to mind her own business. "Well, excuse me for giving a shit," replies Claire, which is oddly enough exactly the same thing I said to her lawyers when they contacted me after last week's "Marry me, Lauren"-fest. And while that whole recap probably was a little over the top, I figured nobody would understand over the top better than the SFU staff, right? Well, maybe Sylvester Stallone, but that's a different story. And besides, the forums made me do it. I mean, you guys saw that, right? Those weren't just voices in my head, right? Right? RIGHT!?! At this point, Claire magically deduces that Gabe's OD was actually a suicide attempt. He subtly tries to tune her out by raising the volume on the TV, and then overtly tries to tune her out by shouting, "I wish you would just fucking leave already." Claire, suddenly mesmerized by the spinning dots on Gabe's hospital gown, shouts, "Anne Bowman invented revenge!" before tossing the stack of magazines onto the bed and stalking out of the room.
Now we're finally in Vegas...uh, baby. Nate, David, and Brenda are affixing name tags to their shirts. Brenda has decided to pose as "Jasmine Brecker," who is either a "federal judge or a sex surrogate." I'm not sure what either one of those people would be doing at a funeral directors' conference, but whatever. Brenda leads them into the room to do some mingling, and they're all shocked when they discover that it's a big coffin showcase. Brenda takes off straight for the bar, and the boys look around. They're mortified (get it?) to find a casket painted with the Last Supper, but as we've learned in the forums, that's not even close to being the most tasteless thing in which you could bury a loved one. Suddenly Gilardi shows up and starts taunting the boys. It's all blah blah threat, blah blah sleaze, bling blah go back to that last-everTwin Peaksrecap where you belong, buddy. Nate pulls him aside and says that he has a gift for Gilardi. "This is a pack of matches," he says, and then pulls out a dollar bill before adding, "This is for a can of lighter fluid. time you need to unload some cumbersome real estate, you'll be all set." You know, what bothers me most about all this is wondering how the hell the Red Headed Jew even knew about it in the first place. Did Gilardi blab at the company picnic? Anyway, as Gilardi leaves, David tells Nate that what he just did wasn't smart. Nate disagrees, saying, "I should have set his fucking hair on fire." I think you've got the right idea, but just the wrong guy there, Mr. Mutton Chop Man. Brenda returns with the drinks, and all three down theirs in one gulp.
Vegas montage. To my eternal dismay, the IMD Fairy passes on the chance to use The Who as background music. Finally we see Nate, David, and Brenda walking along the street. Brenda loves Vegas because it's the most artificial place on Earth, even more so than Disney World, or even Japan. Some guy hands them each a flier for an escort service, and Brenda immediately starts perusing the catalog of offerings. She notes the little cartoon explosions being used to censor the pictures of the models' private parts, and says it looks like all the girls are "farting." Thanks, Brenda. That's just lovely. ["Yeah. It's so tasteless of her to spoil the porn like that." -- Wing Chun] David subtly pockets his copy, and then says he's heading back to the room to make an early night of it. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," he tells Nate, who replies, "Yeah, not likely." Heh. As Nate and Brenda walk off in the other direction, she racks up Showgirls shout-out #2 by announcing that she wants to get herself a lap dance. Rick, Rick, Rick. You've been a very naughty boy. We watch the lovers walk off through the mist of giant fountain, and then suddenly (dun DUN dun!) Billy appears, fixing us with his best Creepy Jesus glare as the music swells and we fade to white.
Fade up on Gabe, waking up the morning in the hospital. He looks over to see Claire, still seated by his bedside. And get this -- she's reading a hockey magazine. See? It's a sign from the heavens. Lauren and I were obviously meant to be together. Claire explains that she's dragged her ass all the way out to Barstow, which she describes as "Bumfuck, Egypt," and she's not going to give up and go home just because Gabe whines a little. She further explains that MeanMom went out for more cigarettes (Hmm. Don't mind if I do. [Flick] Ahhhhh.), and that Claire hasn't told anyone that Gabe was really trying to commit suicide. After Gabe complains about the quality of the hospital food, Claire tosses a bag onto the bed and says that she brought him an Egg McMuffin because she knows they're his favorite. Okay, now that's just weird. Egg McMuffins are my favorite, too. It's almost like she's stalking me, people.
Back in The Body Shop, a silent Rico is still contemplating his restoration task. He pulls out a scalpel, but he can't bring himself to make an incision. Incidentally, StC = 965, so I gave this episode an A-.
It seems that Ruth has decided to improve her flower arrangement skills by signing up for a class at the Learning Annex. It's taught by Mary Gross, who informs her students that if they have any time left after their breathing exercises at the end of class, they'll be trying to create a "spiky" arrangement as well. Given her obvious resemblance to Brenda (and by the way, I heart the casting director for this show), I wonder whether maybe that's supposed to be some sort of a bangs joke. Mary explains that certain flowers need "TLC -- Tough Loving Care," and proceeds to smash up some stems with a hammer. She asks the class whether anyone knows why she's doing that, and only Ruth can answer. Believe me, Ruth is thrilled about that, too. ["The reason is, in case anyone cares, because the particular flower has a woody stem, and if you split it vertically, the flower will take up more water." -- Wing Chun] At Mary's command, all the ladies pick up their hammers and start whaling away at their stems. Wow. There is some serious pent-up aggression in that room.
Apparently unable to complete the embalming, Rico has gone home for the afternoon. He sits alone at the kitchen table, playing with a little baby toy, until Vanessa finally enters behind him. She's got a bag of groceries, and a whole long list of excuses as to why she's not resting in bed like she's supposed to be. Apparently, her sister got a two-day part on a Nicolas Cage movie. "She plays this hooker who witnesses a murder and then gets raped and killed," explains Vanessa. "She's got lines and everything!" Okay, heh. I mean, we get the whole Nicolas Cage/Las Vegas joke, but is that role really any worse than spending two days playing The Girl Whose Face Gets Smashed In? Rico is all concerned about the baby's health, and he confesses that he just can't handle embalming Sweet Baby Dillon. In fact, he hasn't done a baby since their own son was born. He continues obsessing over this, and Vanessa finally manages to console him. The scene ends with Rico pressed against Vanessa's belly, listening for the baby's heartbeat.
At the convention, Nate and David are attending a Kroehner-sponsored seminar on restoration techniques. The featured presentation is all about the aforementioned Girl Whose Face Got Smashed In, but the Kroehner guys are claiming all the credit and not even mentioning Rico. Nate can't even stand to look at the accompanying slide show, exclaiming that the picture of Chloe Yorkin (which is pretty fucked up) is "like fucking science fiction."
Meanwhile, in another part of the casino, Brenda plays blackjack and flirts with some random guy in a cowboy hat. Suddenly, Billy sits down beside her and asks to be dealt in. Brenda immediately jumps up, and runs off to move the conversation to a location better suited for filming large chunks of dialogue. Billy follows her, and once again reiterates that he "NEEDS" her. Of course, he then also tries to claim that his presence in Vegas is merely a coincidence, so who knows what's up with this guy? Brenda shouts that Mom and Dad told her about the bomb and all the other stuff, which causes Billy to inquire as to whether she thinks he's "Billy McVeigh" all of a sudden. There's lots of screaming about who might have been lying to whom, and it's all finally resolved when Brenda trumps Billy's denials by adding that Dad showed Brenda Billy's manifesto. I guess that makes it official. Billy is this season's Big Bad. Just as Nate conveniently decides to wander past, Brenda tries to walk away, and Billy grabs her. Nate immediately climbs up onto his white horse and rides to the rescue. He shoves Billy away, and after the boy fixes us with yet another Creepy Jesus glare, Billy turns to walk out of the casino. Brenda can't believe that he would follow them to Vegas, but Nate admits that he's "not entirely surprised" by this turn of events. To be honest, who really was?
Back to Silent Rico in The Body Shop. He plays with Baby Dillon's fingers while golden embalming fluid slowly trickles into the body. Tears well up in Rico's eyes, and he has to struggle to continue.
Over at Flower Arranging 101, Mary is critiquing her students' work. She describes various arrangements as being "very nice" and "luscious," but she feels Ruth's is merely "tight." She suggests that Ruth needs to start breathing not from her head, but instead from down near her crotch. Ruth grabs her chest and says, "But my lungs are here." Okay, heh, but these are not two women I'd ordinarily want to see with this sort of subtext. "I was speaking metaphorically," answers Mary, and oddly enough, that's another one of the excuses I laid on Lauren's lawyers. Professor Gross announces that it's time for the breathing exercises, and all the ladies excitedly hurry into the room. Mary pulls Ruth aside and asks, "You're a bit of a control freak, aren't you?" Ruth vehemently denies this allegation, but Mary just presses on, suggesting both better breathing habits, and also anti-depressants.
And now it's time for David's big speech. Predictably, he's boring, and the mike squeals with feedback, and every single person in the room is asleep. Except for Gilardi, that is, who's right there smirking in the front row. ["I thought that David only hallucinated that the people were actually sleeping." -- Wing Chun] David is apparently a big Risky Business fan, because he decides that sometimes, you've just got to say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck," says David, as he throws his note cards into the air. He launches into a rousing (yet not worthy of transcription) indictment of Kroehner and the corporate attitude that pervades the mortuary business. Basically, helping people is good, making money is bad, and Gilardi is the Devil. Man, now I'm the one falling asleep. When David finishes, everyone gives him a big standing O, and Gilardi and his lackeys turn tail and run. David immediately seeks out Nate in the crowd and asks how he did. "Are you kidding?" answers Nate. "You kick some serious ass, you big freak." Then they hug. Aww. That reminds me of my conversations with Sars, too. Well, at least the "big freak" part.
Ruth has returned to her usual role of cleaning up the Fortress. She's in the kitchen when Claire comes home. Mommie Drearest immediately asks where Claire was all night, but Claire just replies that it wasn't a school night. Surprisingly, Ruth drops the subject, and offers to make her daughter a sandwich. Then she asks whether Claire thinks Ruth is a control freak. "Uh, yeah," answers Claire. "Where do you think David gets it?" She does, however, admit that Mom is nowhere near as bad as she used to be. Ruth asks again where Claire was all night, and this time Claire confesses that she was with Gabe in a hospital in Barstow. She tells Ruth that he ODed, and Frances Conroy replies with a priceless reading of "Good Lord!" She repeatedly warns Claire away from Gabe for any number of good reasons, and all I can say to that is, "Listen to your mother, young lady."
Back at the convention, David is accepting the adulation of his peers. That's exactly what happens to me every time I wear my MBTV t-shirts out in public. He pulls two funeral director guys over and introduces them to his brother and Ms. Jasmine Brecker. Apparently, Kroehner has been going after these guys, too, so David is now their "hero." They drag him out for a night on the town, but when invited to come along, Nate and Brenda demur, citing their plan to "keep a low profile" that night.
At the Fortress, Rico is working the room for Baby Dillon's funeral. As has been noted in the forums, he's wearing David's suit and Nate's hair. The parents come over to thank him for his work, especially because the grandparents never even got a chance to see the baby, and now "it's like they really met him." They ask whether Rico has kids of his own, and he tells them about Julio, but then stops short before mentioning that Vanessa is about to give birth again. He leaves the parents to be alone with their child, and heads to the back of the room to do that arms-spread door-closing trick that all morticians seem to do. He stops with the door open just a crack, however, and continues to stare at the tiny little coffin.
Now we get a shot of the Eiffel Tower, in case there's anyone in the audience incredulous enough to believe that the gang has now packed up and gone to Paris. Pan down to Brenda snapping a photo of Nate in front of the Paris hotel. She announces that she loves that her boyfriend protected her that way, and then she grabs Nate's ass and leads him into another Viva Las Vegas montage, only this time that's the French "viva" instead of the Spanish one. We see them taking cute pictures with that random cowboy guy, drinking neon-blue cocktails from a giant Eiffel Tower glass, strolling along the Champs de Sunset Strip, and heading back to their room to mack Vegas-style, baby!
Across town, David's new friends have brought him to a strip club. Either David is very, very drunk, or he's a very good actor, because he looks like he's having a great time. One of the friends buys David a lap dance. The stripper, who calls herself Amber, slides onto David's lap and begins wriggling like a fish out of water. Eventually she notices that David is...well, a big old softie, if you know what I mean. She asks whether he's enjoying himself at all. He confesses that he's gay, and she says that, in that case, he won't mind her cutting the dance short. When David's friends ask what's going on, Amber immediately spills the news that he's gay. "I wish you would have told us that sooner," says the friend. Heh. David agrees that he probably should have, and then gets up to leave. In the front of the bar, he calls a cab to pick him up, and then he pulls out that escort service flier he got earlier. He flips to a picture of "Brad," who looks like he should be doing underwear modeling, and picks up his phone again to place an order.
Flower class once again. Ruth has "improved" her original arrangement by shoving a bunch of ugly, tall, red flowers into the middle. She steps back and appraises her work. Deciding that she's not happy, she rips out the ugly, tall, red flowers, and replaces them with ugly, tall, purple flowers. There's yet another montage (this time backed with a cleverly re-mixed version of the opening credits) as she breathes from her crotch and all the other ladies gather round to admire her work.
Returning to plots that actually matter, we find David waiting outside the bar. The cab pulls up, but instead of David getting in, Wolverine gets out. It's Brad, and as David notes, he "looks...different from the picture." Brad explains that it's an old photo, and yeah, he really does look like Wolverine. Plus, Hugh Jackman is, like, the perfect name for a male prostitute anyway. Wolfie says several calculatedly disgusting things just so we know how low David is stooping here, and then demands $200 up front for his services. David only has $80, but Brad agrees to take it without any complaint. They argue for a moment about where they should do the deed; David doesn't want to bring a wolf-man back to his room. "Oh, I get it," says Brad. "Don't want to wake the wife?"
Cut to Brad and David macking, parking garage-style. I'll just describe this scene by saying that the people who were upset about not getting to see the gay sex a few weeks back no longer have anything to complain about. David also sends up a great big psychological warning flag by grunting, "You like that, don't you, faggot?" as he demonstrates his versatility. Suddenly, red and blue lights start flashing, and the cops arrive to break up the parking-lot party.
Down at the station, a dazed David is being fingerprinted. That task complete, the cop informs him that he gets one phone call. We see him dial, but we don't know who he's calling yet. Fade to white.
Morning in Vegas. David is escorted out of lock-up by a cop who hands him over to -- dun DUN dun -- Keith! David looks like shit, and Keith continues to lecture him about his self-destructive behavior. "Were you using condoms?" asks Keith, and David is forced to admit that he wasn't. Bad David! Bad David! I'm not even going to dignify the "does David have AIDS now?" tease they're going for here by mentioning it. Except for the part where I just did. Keith managed to get all the charges against David dropped, and he claims that he did it because he loves David. "But I won't ever do it again," he continues. Before he walks away for good, he counsels David to get some help. Man, where's Gayoda when you need him?
More teases. Vanessa finds Rico at home, and tells him that something is wrong with the baby. They rush off to the hospital. At this point, who didn't already know that the episode would end with Rico holding a healthy baby?
Back in Vegas, David emerges from the hotel to find Brenda and Nate packing up the car for the return trip. "Did you have fun with the guys?" asks Brenda, but David is too hung over to formulate a reply. "Let's just get the hell out of here," he says, before crawling into the back seat and falling asleep against a suitcase. Nate, however, has apparently been following Ed Begley's advice, and is now driving an irony-powered car as he opines that "somebody got lucky last night."
Ruth now makes a triumphant return of her own. She's back at Nikolai's shop, putting together a flower arrangement that's marginally better than any of her work, but still ugly as hell. Nikolai, however, likes it quite a bit, and is even more impressed when Ruth shows him her certificate from flower class. He announces that she'll be doing the arrangements today, and Robbie will have to work the register. Robbie tries to protest, but Nikolai cuts him off. "Do you have diploma from flower school?" he asks, and despite his twenty years of professional flower arranging experience, Robbie is forced to say no. He simpers off once again to work the register.
Story line wrap-ups continue as Claire goes to visit Gabe again. His mom has left to return to her job, but Gabe is excited to announce that he'll be getting out that afternoon. Claire climbs onto the bed with him, looks deep into his eyes, and announces that she loves him. Argh! Noooooooooooo! Gabe says that he loves her right back, and while some have questioned whether or not he really would have said that, I simply wonder how anyone could think someone wouldn't love Lauren Ambrose. On the other hand, I've come to realize that the Fishers pretty much all have horrible taste in prospective mates. I mean, you've got a lying foot-fetishist, a quasi-psycho questionable genius, a male prostitute, a drug-addled square dancer, and worst of all, Ed Begley Jr. Suddenly, my love life is looking pretty good.
Back at the Brotherfucking Boudoir, Nate and Brenda are reviewing their vacation photos. Keep in mind, by the way, that Vanessa has ostensibly been in labor this whole time, while these guys drove back from Vegas, got unpacked, had their photos developed, and kicked back to relax and review them. No wonder Rico is concerned about her health. Nate is suddenly disturbed by several of the photos, and when Brenda examines them, we see that they're pictures of the two of them sleeping. Obviously, they were taken by Billy The Super Sibling Stalker. I won't even bother with all the "how did he get into their room?" and "how come the flash didn't wake them?"-type questions, and simply point out that this guy is a way worse stalker than I could ever be. Take that, Lauren's lawyers. Brenda is truly freaked out by all this, and it's all Nate can do to try and comfort her as she comes to terms with the fact that her brother is a freak.
Cut from Brenda's sobbing and heavy breathing to Vanessa's sobbing and heavy breathing, as the Longest Labor Ever is still ongoing. In fact, it's gotten so bad that the doctors have decided to do a C-section. The doctor announces that the baby is a boy, and asks whether they've come with a name. "Augusto," answers Vanessa, and even though she claims it's after her father, we all know that's a shout-out to Gustave. Hell, he'll probably land the Rick Cleveland interview now, too. There's much tension in the room as the baby is pulled out, and suddenly the heart monitor starts doing the Long, Endless Beep Of Impending Televised Death. Gustave, do me a favor and ask Rick if he's sure he never wrote for ER, okay? They take the baby over to the table where they always take sick babies in hospital dramas, and Michael Engler milks the scene for every second of tension he can squeeze out before the rapidly approaching 10:30 deadline. Finally, the baby starts crying, and everyone is happy and smiling as he's brought over to "meet the parents." Vanessa laughs and announces that Augusto "is so pissed off," and Rico giddily kisses his baby's fingers and toes as we fade to white.
Don't go anywhere folks: the season finale is coming right up. The biggest unanswered question? How the hell is Aaron going to write two recaps in one week, when he can barely get one done now? ["Especially since the finale is two hours long? Hee hee...." -- Wing Chun] You won't want to miss this.