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Season-ending shout-outs, in no particular order, to the following people: Sars, Wing, Glark, Gustave, Jessica, Strega, Camper, Shack, Pooh, Rona, The Owl, The Gaylord, Rachel, Rachael, Marc, and everyone else I'm forgetting. Also Rick and Larry, because I know you're reading, and because you're better writers than I am. Also, because it apparently just can't be said often enough -- marry me, Lauren.
David Chase: You believe this shit? He wastes like half a page naming names, and we don't even get like a "mad props" or anything. Meanwhile, if it weren't for us condescending to stop by and chat every now and then, this guy would probably be writing for the WB Scoop.
Alan Ball: Actually, I just assumed we were The Owl and The Gaylord.
David Chase: Why would I be an owl?
Alan Ball: And just what makes you think I'd be The Gaylord?
David Chase: Grace Under Fire.
Alan Ball: Oh. Right.
David Chase: Anyway, Fontana and I are headed over to Tom Hanks's place later for the time-slot handover ceremony. You wanna come?
Alan Ball: No thanks. I've already been from the Earth to the moon with that guy once. Actually twice, in fact. I don't need to do it again.
Aaron: Actually, I'm going to pass on that one too, guys.
Alan Ball: Oh, please. Like anyone even cares what you do.
Fade up on a young gay couple cavorting at an ATM. They're hugging, withdrawing money, and making "size doesn't matter" jokes about each other's balances. And while I object to PDA (regardless of gender) on general principles alone, it's worth noting that they're not really doing anything untoward or obnoxious. Not, of course, that they deserve to be brutally beaten and killed even if they were, but you know what I mean. Anyway, two muscle-bound morons show up in a Trans Am, which is of course the official international car of muscle-bound morons everywhere. As a personal favor to Sars, I'll just add that Michael Knight is the exception that proves the rule. The muscular morons confront the cavorting couple, and bigotry and violence quickly ensue. One of the young men gets away, but after the other makes an ill-fated decision to attempt to retrieve his dropped cell phone, the muscular morons catch up to him. They kick him and beat him with a lead pipe, before finally running off and leaving his body in an empty parking lot. Farewell, Marcus Foster Jr. We hardly knew ye.
Despite the continuing, unexplained absence of The Ironic Musical Detachment Fairy, The Ironic Segue Fairy cuts us straight from The Ironically White Title Card Of Death to a close-up of Rico's newborn son. As he hands the baby over to a gushing Nate, he instructs him not to "hold him like he's a football." Is that supposed to be a Sports Night joke? "It's more like you're carrying a watermelon," continues Rico, and I'd be willing bet that's a set-up for a future embalming-MacGyver joke. Behind them, David enters, just in time to hear Ruth assert that even though the baby looks just like his father, he'll probably "grow out of it." That's probably also a meta-comment about Rico's inevitable redemption from the depths of his soon-to-revealed homophobia, but we'll talk more about that later. David stands outside the doorway, making any excuse he can to avoid holding the baby himself. Ruth, meanwhile, overshares that Nate was "a very gassy baby," before moving on to more meta-mockery by snarking that David "hardly even made a peep." Not to be outdone in the subtext sweepstakes, Rico asks Nate and David when they're going to "grow up and make this woman a grandmami." David dodges the question, much to Nate's delight, and the scene ends.
The Lean Green Corpse Machine pulls into the school parking lot, and Claire and Gabe get out. You know, given everything else that's happened over the course of the season, I'm surprised that we never saw Claire's character "blossoming" and repainting the Corpse Machine a feisty new color after the "toe-slut" incident. Heck, they could have used some of the leftover red from all the gallons of fake blood Billy goes through this week. Anyway, Gabe is all nervous about returning to school for the first time, and even goes so far as to deliver an actual PSA, saying, "It's not cool to OD." Claire correctly points out that "everyone is too obsessed with what everyone else thinks of them to think about anybody else." And how does Gabe respond to this trenchant societal observation? He calls her a "freak." You see why I hate him? I rest my case. As they head inside, a group of girls start whispering about Gabe, and Claire immediately jumps to defend him. You see why I love her? I rest my case.
At Brenda's Brotherfucking Boudoir, Brenda confronts Billy about the creepy sleepy-time photos he took in their hotel room last week. Ignoring his feeble denials, she demands that he return his key to her apartment, and also that he go back on his meds immediately. When the subject of pharmaceuticals is raised, Billy quickly picks up a baggie of pot from the table, and observes that Brenda herself is no stranger to the concept of self-medication. I think someone on the SFU staff might be issuing a cry for help with their marijuana addiction here. Billy insists that he would never hurt Brenda, because she's "the most important person in [his] life." "Don't you think that's a little fucked up?" asks Brenda. Uh, yes. Yes, we do. He promises to go back on the medication, but Brenda still wants the key. Heck, she might even change the locks, although this doesn't seem to faze Billy. "Do you know how easy it would be to break into this place?" he asks. Uh, yes. Yes, we do. Just ask Cockadile Dundee. Billy finally caves and throws the key at Brenda, and then stages a petulantly dramatic exit as he stalks off with a cardboard box on his head.
Das Sargzimmer. David and Nate are meeting with the parents of the gay-bashing victim. Against David's suggestion, Mom demands an open casket for the funeral. She brought pictures for them to use in the restoration process, and for a moment, I thought the DGDJ was actually Jeremy Drencher The Internet Boy from last week. He's not, though. The Dad reveals some barely repressed homophobia when he can't even bring himself to say the word "gay." He wishes his son had come out, only so that he could have helped protect him from this sort of thing. Just to make sure we get the point, the scene ends with a close-up on David looking concerned.
Down in the Body Shop, Rico is changing a diaper when David wheels in the DGDJ. The body is in pretty bad shape, with lacerations and bruises everywhere. Rico is apparently determined to make it through the entire episode without saying anything that isn't at least partially meta, so he teases David that they'll have to fix up the corpse because "men don't make passes at girls with big gashes." He giggles at his own joke, and coos to the baby that "Daddy is Mr. Funnyman." All I can say to that is, "Daddy, stop touching me." At this point, even David is tired of listening to Rico and his many levels of meaning, so he sends him and the baby home, and agrees to work on the DGDJ himself.
At The Only Restaurant Nate And Brenda Ever Eat At, Nate and Brenda are out to dinner. Brenda explains that she kicked Billy to the curb, but Nate wants her to go that extra mile and have him committed. Brenda whines and moans some more about how hard all this is for her, but I lose interest and start watching in slow motion for that weird The Air Up There frame that's supposed to be mysteriously inserted in this scene. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have happened in my broadcast, so I'm forced to go back to listening to Brenda. "Do you even comprehend what it's like to be responsible for someone your whole life?" she asks. "Do you even get the concept of loving someone that much?" "Yes, I get that concept," replies Nate, though I, for one, don't really know why. Neither does Brenda, apparently, because she continues trying to push him away. Upset that he didn't immediately cave in and see things exactly her way, she decides that it might be better if they took "some time off." She tells him his key won't work because she's changed the locks, and bolts out of the restaurant.
“ he asks about the literary magazine, which Claire quit in protest when they decided a cartoon of hers was 'too disturbing to publish.' Is that a 'marry me, Lauren' shout-out? Because if it is, I'd just like to say that [the three sentences have been deleted at the request of Lauren Ambrose's legal team]. ”
Formaldehyde Fortress. David and Ruth are sitting down to dinner alone. After yet another pointed comment about how no one tells her anything, Ruth summons the courage to ask Dave about the gay-bashing death. When that conversational gambit fails to elicit the touching confession she'd hoped for, she moves on to another creative double entendre, asking David if he "likes the hen." "Yes, very much," he replies. "What did you stuff it with?" Oy. Still having no success at prodding her son into revealing his innermost secrets, she makes one last attempt by reminding David that he still loves her even if he doesn't approve of Hiram or anyone else she dates. Dave still refuses to take the bait, however, and Ruth returns to her hen with a "hmm."
Claire is visiting the guidance counselor/therapist guy at her school, and his diminutive size and oft-noted resemblance to George Stephanopoulos has led me to rename him George Tellmeallyourstuff. He asks Claire why she quit taking jazz, and she explains that the teacher was a crackhead. Really. No, really. He got arrested and everything. "Do your homework," she tells George Shouldhaveknownallthis. he asks about the literary magazine, which Claire quit in protest when they decided a cartoon of hers was "too disturbing to publish." Is that a "marry me, Lauren" shout-out? Because if it is, I'd just like to say that [the three sentences have been deleted at the request of Lauren Ambrose's legal team]. He also asks about the debate team, and anyone who knows me knows that's DEFINITELY a shout-out. Claire complains that "people in this school have the mentality of teenagers," which prompts George Speakstheobvious to point out that she's a teenager as well. Yeah. One envisioned and written by a middle-aged gay man, but that's okay, because it works. George Checkmydoofusness asks Claire what she likes to do for fun, and then reveals that he enjoys bowling with friends, hikes with his girlfriend, and baking. Normally, I'd point out that enjoying "baking" and "hikes with a girlfriend" would ordinarily be mutually exclusive, but since they only mentioned the girlfriend thing so we'd stop thinking he was hitting on Claire, I'll let it go. Claire admits that she sometimes like to make her own fun. "I go online and make up freaky cyber identities," she says. "Sometimes I'm a Scientologist, sometimes I'm a young Christian wife." Of course! Now it all makes sense! Lauren Ambrose is Pontoon! Hi, Lauren! For a final question, George asks if she's dating anyone. "You mean like getting drunk and screwing?" she replies. See? This is why she should marry me. I could come up with a much better date than that. Although it is sorta hard to top a classic. Claire lies and says she's not seeing anyone.
Alan Ball: Man, I wish he'd lay off that "marry me, Lauren" crap. That joke is so dead not even Rico could restore it.
David Chase: Hey, at least he never made you quote TV shows. I wouldn't mind showing him what really happens when people stop acting nice and start getting real.
Alan Ball: Yeah, I know. But there's just these two episodes left and then he's gone, so it's okay.
David Chase: Yeah, but those two recaps will probably be fifty pages each. Honestly, who needs that much detail? I'm the frigging executive producer, and not even I care that much.
Alan Ball: Yeah, well maybe if you did, you wouldn't have to take two years off between each season.
David Chase: Hey! I'm the alpha-owl around here, and don't you forget it.
Speaking of people who aren't being seen at the moment, Keith is lounging in a police station parking lot somewhere. His boss comes over and assigns him to work security at the DGDJ's funeral that weekend. Keith gets upset and complains that he's only drawing the assignment because he's gay himself. I get upset and complain that he's only drawing the assignment because the writers are going to need him there in about thirty pages. The boss is unmoved by our heartfelt pleas, and orders Keith to show up anyway.
Back in the Body Shoppe, David goes to work on the corpse. Seated on a nearby table, a badly bruised manifestation of the DGDJ ruminates on the fact that he looks like "something Chef Boyardee makes." I'm betting that was not a product placement. David asks him why he never came out to his parents, and the DGDJ launches into a long diatribe about how homosexuality is a sin and how people like him and David don't deserve to lead normal, happy lives. David actually shows traces of a spine when he stands up for himself and replies that God made him gay, so he doesn't think God would have a problem with it. Darth Gayder continues to try and lure David to the Dark Side, explaining that homosexuality is a test God gave them to overcome, and they've failed. Anything else is just "liberal propaganda to justify your own depravity." Unable to listen any longer, David jumps up from the table and cowers in the back corner of the Body Shoppe. Fortunately, Foreshadowing is back there with him to keep him company.
Upstairs, Nate is studying for the funeral director's exam. He takes a quick break to call Brenda, but gets her answering machine. "Don't just lie there saying 'fuck you,'" he says, but to no avail. She doesn't pick up. He barely hangs up before the phone rings again, only this time it's a customer who wants him to come pick up a body. Nate is surprised that the pick-up is at a residence instead of a retirement home or a hospital, and is probably the only person in the entire world who didn't realize that he was being set up by Billy.
At Nikolai's "It's A Metaphor For Her Character. Do You Get It? Are You Sure?" Flower Shop, Robbie manages to casually whack Ruth in the face with a giant plant. Heh. Ruth composes herself, and tries to ask him a personal question. "How did you tell your parents you were" "Into flowers?" he finishes. "Gay," replies Ruth. Robbie feigns offense, snitting that "just because [he] has a refined aesthetic, [she thinks she] can make assumptions about [his] private life." I'd make a joke here, but unfortunately the whole "Gustave knows more about interior design than I do" thing pretty much illustrated the kernel of truth behind that particular stereotype, so I'll pass. Robbie points out that he never asks about her and Nikolai, even though it's affecting his job, and Ruth confesses that she thinks her son is gay. Robbie laughs, and tells her to "save it for Geraldo," before suggesting that he would tell her about coming out only if she reveals "the most horrible moment from [her] intimate past." Ruth apologizes, and jams another one of those giant flowers she's so fond of into an arrangement. Gee, I think we're supposed to get that she's "blossoming" as a character here, but I'm not sure. Robbie gets the last laugh, though, smirking and snarking, "That's a shitty place for the lily."