It's not easy being the new guy. Trust me. And while my relative newness here at Mighty Big TV is now roughly equivalent to David's level of closetedness, it's still worth noting that until the fall shows premiere, I remain the newest guy on staff here. This, of course, means that in addition to being hazed mercilessly, I tend to get stuck with all the shit work, as well. In fact, just last night, Glark made me disassemble our entire server farm and clean the pieces by hand using Q-Tips and rubbing alcohol. Oh, sure, you'll thank me when the forums are faster, but I gotta tell you, it wasn't easy. Oh, and before I forget, Sars -- I picked up your dry cleaning, bought your Yankees tickets, brushed Hobey's teeth, and I'll get started on the foot massage just as soon as I finish the recap. Just please don't make me do that olive thing again.
Ahem. Anyway, this week's episode opens with a big, giant, flaming shout-out to me. And also Gustave. See, there's this balding, dorky-looking guy sitting at his breakfast table, and he's ranting on and on and on about some poor schlub who called the customer service number where our soon to be DGDJ was working. Now I'm going to go out on a limb here, and reveal a little secret to you. While it's true that by night, I'm a wild, devil-may-care recapping superhero dedicated to truth, justice, and the televised way, but I also maintain a top-secret alter ego during the day. I'm actually a mild-mannered call center consultant, and I've had precisely the same conversation this DGDJ is having with his wife more times than I can count. If you've ever called an 800 number and had the sneaking suspicion that the person you're speaking to has put you on a speakerphone so that he and all his colleagues can laugh at you while on mute, well, let's just say you were right to be suspicious. Anyway, the DGDJ keeps babbling, and eventually his beleaguered wife comes up, smacks him over the head with a frying pan, and sits down to enjoy her own breakfast in silence. Incidentally, the Gustave shout-out was when the guy mentioned ordering fancy floor lamps. Looks like Kathy decided to get her revenge on me for calling her a hack right up front. Like I've said before, Kathy, I'm truly sorry. And thanks for not busting out the sledgehammer.
Also, marry me, Lauren.
After The Ironically White Title Card Of Death mourns the passing of Jonathon Arthur "Aaron" Hanley, we fade back up on David and Nate in the Body Shop. Kathy Bates scores her first style points of the evening by using the exact same panning shot of the DGDJ she used in the opening, only this time, the guy is lying dead on a gurney. Nate offers some speculation about why the wife decided to suddenly off her husband, including the possibility that he "had some sick sexual thing he made her do." Gee, you think he might be projecting a little bit there? Anyway, David reports that all the wife told the police was that he was "boring." Heh. Both David and Nate agree that boringness is a perfectly acceptable reason to commit murder (and aren't I in trouble if that's true!). Then Nate pauses for a moment, looks contemplative, and reveals that occasionally he's boring too. When David admits to being boring as well, the boys take a moment to consider the ramifications, and then immediately change the subject. Heh redux. It seems that business at Fisher & Sons is booming again, and while David feels secure that he can handle all the restorations in Rico's absence, Nate isn't quite so sure. In fact, he's already gone ahead and scheduled some interviews for later that day. David reluctantly agrees to hire someone.
So now we cut to the interviews. For me, the definitive interview-jump-cut scene will always be the roommate selection bit in Shallow Grave, followed closely by that one episode of Star Trek where Picard gets court-martialed. This one, however, would probably make a pretty close third. The first applicant is an earnest young man who gives off a distinct Jehovah's Witness sort of vibe. He's all clean-cut and well mannered, and he offers praise for all of the "gifted restorative artists" he's had the opportunity to study under. So, of course, it's not surprising at all when he turns out to be a lying, profanity-spewing freak. Funny, but not surprising. Apparently there was a problem with an unembalmed arm at his job, but before Nate can commiserate with the missing foot story, we cut to the applicant. This guy has panic attacks, and likes to spend hours in bed chanting until "the dark time passes." Kathy Bates gets in another dig at me by framing the guy's bald head dead center in the shot. The third and final applicant is a nervous but professional young woman who speaks about how she felt "at home" the first time she ever embalmed anyone. Please. Like it even matters what she says in the interview. It's Illeana Douglas, and since she's the only name celebrity who's applied for the job, we know she's getting hired. After she leaves, Nate instantly says he'll wait an hour before calling her so that they don't look desperate. David just wants to be sure she can start the day.
Nighttime at the Formaldehyde Fortress. David is vacuuming, which, due to my extensive and long-term commitment to this show, instantly clues me in to the fact that wacky hijinks are imminent. And here they are. It's another musical number. Oy. See, I kind of like the David E. Kelley-style moments on this show, because unlike on Ally, they actually seem related to what the characters are thinking. They're not just cheap excuses to bring in some singer or whatever C-list actor the producers have a crush on. This particular musical number, however, seems like they just threw it in because they remembered that Michael C. Hall used to be on Broadway. Although Michael himself is actually pretty good in it, as he dances and sings about "breaking out" and "going wild" while scantily-clad men carry him about the living room. Unfortunately, he seems to have a very distinctive dance-routine hairstyle in all these scenes, and it's really distracting me. Anyway, the song ends when Mom appears and wakes him out of his reverie. She asks why he's just standing there staring off into space, and instead of pointing out that she frequently does the exact same thing, David claims to just have been "thinking." As he walks away, I wonder why they've got Ruth wearing hideous make-up that makes her look vaguely evil.
And then I get an answer when we cut to the scene, which is at Billy's photo gallery. We dissolve straight from Ruth's rouged face to a photo of a squalling baby, and the resemblance is uncanny. We pan around the crowded gallery before settling on Nate and Brenda, as Brenda teases that he's going to regret not getting high with her. To be perfectly honest, I regret not getting high for this part, but seeing as how it's 8:15 on a Sunday morning, that's probably for the best. Brenda spies Billy and gushes about how "handsome" and "confident" he looks, and then Billy comes over, breathes right in her face, and asks if his breath stinks. Nice. If I did that to my sister, she'd probably start rubbing her armpits in my nose. And before you ask, no, we're not sleeping together. Anyway, Brenda says that this show is Billy's best work yet, and praises it for being "very disturbing." Suddenly, Ruth and Nikolai appear, and Brenda cops to having invited them as part of her ploy to increase the dramatic tension and potential for comedy in the scene. Okay, she actually just says that she wanted Mommie Drearest to like her, but we all know what she really meant. Before Ruth can join them, however, Ma Chenowith appears. I know I called her Bo last time, but then Pontoon shamed me by pointing out that Joanna Cassidy was actually in one of my favorite movies of all time, Blade Runner. So, she'll be Zhora from here on out. I just didn't recognize her without the snake and the see-through raincoat. Zhora drunkenly slobbers over her children, and then leans over to whisper seductively in her son's ear. Then she looks Brenda in the eye and fulfills this week's incest tease quota by saying, "You can't keep him to yourself all the time." Nate echoes my sentiments by observing that the Chenowith family is "fucked up beyond comprehension." Also, your homework assignment for this week is to speculate on what exactly Zhora whispered into Billy's ear. You've got ten words or less, and the winner will be printed in week's recap. Let's try to keep it PG-13, though, okay?
With Zhora gone, Ruth and Nikolai wander over, and small talk is exchanged. Nate, ever the suave one, asks after Hiram right in front of Nikolai. Turns out the St. Elsewhore is visiting his son in Portland, which is apparently code for "worked the producers' and the viewers' last nerves, so we gave him the week off." In another corner of the room, Billy and his mommy are chatting. She also praises his work, calling it "not at all left-brain like your father." Then she explains that Dad couldn't make it because he's treating a patient who suffered a "complete psychotic breakdown." Billy points out that this sort of thing seems to happen every time something important happens in his life, and I have to agree that the excuse does sound sort of fishy. I mean, if Dad were really looking for complete psychotic breakdowns, this gallery would be an excellent place to start. Back over to Nate, Ruth, and Nikolai, where Brenda is putting her foot in her mouth. Which is odd as well, because in a public place like this one, you'd expect her to be putting Nate's foot in her mouth. You'll notice how I kept that last joke PG-13. In the interests of increasing the dramatic tension and comedic possibilities of the scene, Zhora comes over and drapes herself over Nate, calling him "Mr. Seattle Co-Op Hippie Boy." When she finds out that Nate's mom is there, however, she suddenly understands why Ruth is looking at her "like [she] just took a giant dump on [her] lawn." Oy. Zhora notices that a "Dr. Feinberg" has arrived, and Nate helpfully exposits that this is the guy who wrote Charlotte: Light and Dark. Brenda refers to Doctor Dork as a "Nazi fuck," which sets an HBO single-season record for usage of that particular phrase. Marry me, Lauren. Brenda and her mom bicker for a bit as the good doctor makes his way over, and then Doc Feinberg sleazes all over the entire Chenowith clan. Brenda stalks off in disgust, and Zhora asks Billy what the theme of his show is. "Mother, nothing is more tedious than when you look for meaning in my work," he replies. "I don't need your fucking approval." Actually, I can think of any number of things more tedious than that, and one of them is the fact that this scene is still nowhere near being over.
Cut to later, as Brenda and Nate wander around looking at the pictures. Nate acknowledges that Billy does in fact have some talent, but then they notice the picture, and hilarity is about to ensue. It's a heavily Photoshopped shot of Nate pissing against a brick wall, and of course, the Rectangle Head has to freak out about it. When Billy joins them, Nate accuses him of being a stalker, to which Billy replies, "Wow. You really think the world revolves around you, don't you?" I think it's pretty clear that the world revolves around me, but that's a story for a different recap. Nate stalks off in anger, and Billy is heartbroken when Brenda takes Nate's side and runs off after him. And then, finally, Nikolai and Ruth show up to end the scene, with Nikolai giggling madly at the picture of Nate. Heh. I swear to God, I could die a happy man if Begley never returned. Nikolai is way funnier.
Back at Brenda's Brotherfucking Boudoir, Nate is still pissed about, well, the pissing picture. Brenda drearily tells him not to make everything about him, and then proceeds to make everything about her by justifying Billy's behavior. There's more fighting and psychobabble as Nate wonders if Billy has ever done anything "weird" or dangerous. This whole thing is just a set-up for Brenda to exposit a story about Billy attempting to kill himself when she was eighteen. Apparently, Brenda went to Europe for the summer, and when she got back, Zhora met her at the airport to tell her that Billy had committed suicide. Except Mom meant to say that Billy had tried to commit suicide. That's one hell of a Freudian slip, don't you think? Anyway, Brenda spent the whole summer at the hospital caring for her brother, and gave up a college scholarship at Yale to be with him. I guess that's also supposed to explain what a girl with an IQ of 185 is doing giving massages, instead of, oh, say, running an incredibly popular and profitable website about TV. Anyway, just remember this story later on in the episode, when the plot holes start to get big enough to drive trucks through.
After the mandatory fifteen-minute-mark fade to white, we return to the Formaldehyde Fortress, where the Fishers are all sitting down to breakfast. Claire asks her brother if he's peed on any walls lately. Heh. Marry me, Lauren. She's even got cute pajamas. Nate needles his mom about her date with Nikolai, and then turns to ask David, "What happened to that…person you were seeing?" Everyone, Ruth included, perks their ears up at Nate's near miscue. David admits that the "person" (read: "Ho") is no longer in the picture, and Nate then proceeds to start grilling Claire about her love life as well. Instead of admitting to having an illicit affair with a world-famous TV critic, she simply says that she's just been "hanging out" with someone. Ruth and David head off to church, and the scene ends.
Oh dear Lord. Claire and Gabe are at his house, and they're watching, wait for it…Full House. Because there's nothing that would cheer me up more after the death of a younger sibling than watching a show about four precociously cute kids. Although I guess making fun of John Stamos could brighten anyone's day. Gabe decides to pack up all of his brother's toys to give to the kid door, but then his mom comes home and yells at him for it. "She doesn't even look me in the eyes anymore," he says, and Claire looks heartbroken for him. She decides to take him on a little field trip, and leads him out of the house.
Back at the Body Shop, Illeana Douglas has shown up for her first day of work. Before Nate can even let her into the room, she apologizes for having eaten calamari the night before, because "this is one time the strong smell of formaldehyde really comes in handy." Ew. Then we cut straight to a shot of Illeana's breasts as she gets to work and relates a story about a turkey baster and a guy with a low sperm count. Ew again. Or is this yet another Sex and the City shout-out? You be the judge. And in yet another nod to Alan Ball's penchant for pot, Illeana is wearing a pot-leaf pendant. Rick Cleveland aside, I get the distinct sense that Alan Ball and Aaron Sorkin would get along just famously, don't you? I'd love to be a fly on the bong for those convorsations.
Alan Ball: [Flick] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So, who wants to try that Pink Floyd/Wizard of Oz thing?
Aaron Sorkin: Dude! Quit bogarting the Cheetos.
Robert Iler: You know, this is some good shit. Who'd you have to beat up to get it?
Alan Ball: Actually, no one. Woody Harrelson just moved in door to me. He grows it right in his backyard.
Aaron Sorkin: Hey, you better be careful, kid. Too much of that stuff, and somebody's going to emergency, and somebody's going to jail.
Robert Iler: Shut up, Shroom Boy. My show can totally kick your show's ass.
Aaron Sorkin: Yeah, but my show can investigate your show for RICO violations.
Alan Ball: Both of you shut up, or you'll be appearing in the opening to MY show.
Aaron Sorkin: Ooh, that reminds me. Since you like celebrity directors as much as I do, I'll trade you Laura Innes and Ken Olin for Kathy Bates season.
Alan Ball: Deal. But only if you throw in Jaromir Jagr and some cash.
Back in the Body Shop, Illeana has made herself at home. David enters, and after Illeana tells him that she thinks his being a deacon is "adorable," she goes on to explain that she's wearing a halter top because embalming makes her glands go into overdrive and she gets all "pitted." When David tries to suggest a "more professional appearance," she correctly points out that "they're just nipples." She goes on to add that "we've all seen them, we've all touched them, and we've all sucked on them. And it’s not like this guy's going to be lying in the casket and people are going to be saying, 'Oh my God, the embalmer's nipples were hard!'" David does a double take at this while Nate tries manfully not to giggle in the background. David then excuses himself to go feed the homeless, and offers that he just wanted to make sure her first day was going okay. "Well, thanks," she replies. "I'm all gassy, but that's not your fault." I can't decide whether that gets an "ew" or a "heh." You be the judge.
The Ironic Segue Fairy overdubs Brenda saying, "It's hard when a new person comes into a situation. It throws everything off balance." Then we cut to a patented Six Feet Under funky-focus shot, as Billy's face fills about eighty percent of the screen with Brenda in the background in the upper right-hand corner. Billy explains that he doesn't feel threatened by Nate, but Brenda calls him on it, pointing out that he must have known the piss picture was wrong because he didn't show it to her first. "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" asks Billy, and Brenda shouts back, "Because I love him. You're fucking with my life, Billy, and it's not fair." Aww. That's sweet. Brenda, still upset, storms off to her bedroom, and Billy is left alone in the front of the house. For me, this scene put an end to my incest speculations, as it's something that clearly would have come up during this argument. I'm sure that won't stop Alan and the gang from continuing with the hints, though.
Out on the street corner, David is serving lunch to the homeless. He has a quick DEK moment where one homeless guy requests a blowjob, and then he leaves the table for a drink of water. While he's doing that, he overhears a newly blonde Tracy The Annoying Funeral Stalker reading off a list of names of people who will be feeding the homeless the night. I doubt too many people caught it the first time through, but one of the names was Keith. As Tracy rounds the corner, she's shocked to find David standing there. They exchange awkward small-talk, and she reveals that she's discovered that he attended St. Stephens for a while, although she insists that "it just came up naturally" in conversation. David admits that he did attend, and agrees that St. Stephens is "very progressive." Tracy seems to finally get the message after that one, but we cut away too soon to be sure.
But that's okay, because we cut to Claire and Gabe, giggling over Nate's piss picture. Marry me, Lauren, and I'll piss on a wall for you any time you want. Of course, that's sort of how she and I got into this whole restraining-order mess in the first place, but that's okay. Also, while we're on the subject, thanks to all the buzzkills who e-mailed me and posted links to the TV Guide article in which Lauren discusses her engagement. Although I guess that if I'm not going to let a little thing like her not even knowing I'm alive stop me, a fiancée should be the least of my problems. I will prevail. Oh, yes, I will prevail. Gabe laughs for the first time since his brother died, and then issues a heartfelt, if seventeen-year-old-boy-style, apology for telling everyone about the foot incident. You can really see Lauren Ambrose's emotion at hearing precisely the words she's wanted to hear from this boy, and she grasps his hand and smiles as we fade out.
Body Shop. Nate walks in to find Illeana working and chatting on her hands-free cell phone. Just in case we haven't gotten that she's a wild one yet, she's arguing with her (presumed) boyfriend about the fact that he won't help her to have a "one-hour orgasm," despite the fact that she dressed up in an outfit and called him "Daddy" all last weekend. It was at this point that I began cringing in anticipation of the inevitable bestiality, golden shower, and/or hermaphrodite joke that you just knew was coming. Far be it from the SFU staff to show some decorum. On the other hand, it is somewhat refreshing to be able to count on them taking every single joke to its perverse, over-the-top extreme. These guys make David E. Kelley look like David Milch. Illeana also points out that she's sorry that men can't have the one-hour orgasm, but "since you guys get everything else on the planet, it seems like a fair trade-off." Heh. Also, was I the only one that couldn't help but remember the old L.A. Law "Venus Butterfly" gag here? When she hangs up, Nate tries to convince her to watch the personal calls when David is around. Then, of course, Nate's cell phone rings with a personal call of his own. It's Brenda, and they bicker quietly while Illeana tries to listen in. All she can hear is something about the "pissing," so naturally she tries to counsel him. Nate tells her to mind her own business, and Illeana rewards us with that golden-shower joke I've been waiting for. "I had an ex who wanted to pee on me, you know, and I wasn't grossed out. I just thought it was kind of silly." Peter Krause cracks me up with his facial expression as he backs slowly out of the room.
At the Flower Shop, Nikolai comes up to Ruth as she's working and nervously thanks her for taking him to the photo show. When Ruth asks him if he might want to go to dinner sometime, he giddily accepts and skips away.
At school, Claire comes up on Gabe and his Mini-Ball Friend from last week. The friend is trying to convince Gabe to go to a party, but Lauren quickly dismisses him by calling him "Peanut Testicle." Marry me, Lauren. Gabe explains that he has to head to Barstow to try to borrow money from his dad. Claire invites herself along for the drive, saying she'll "stay in, like, some creepy motel and read a Stephen King book," while he visits with his dad. Gabe relents, telling her to meet him after class the day.
Cut to a university somewhere, and then we go inside and follow a hand holding some keys as it moves down the hallway. At first, I thought this was bizarre Addams Family reference, especially since Peanut Testicle called Claire "Morticia" in that last scene. But it turns out that there actually is a body attached to the hand, and it belongs to Dr. Feinberg. He opens his office door to find the place trashed, and "Nathaniel + Isabel" spray-painted on all his walls. Gee, I wonder who could have done that?
Cut to a spooky underwater shot of someone throwing papers into a pool. When we come up for air, we discover Billy at his parents' place, tossing all of Doctor Dork's files into the water. Hey! I think I've finally figured out why they keep letting Kathy Bates direct. This must be her house. She directed the only other episode that was set here, so it all makes sense. Anyway, Harvey and Zhora show up, and act all put-upon that their obviously insane son is having yet another breakdown. When Dad realizes that Billy has trashed Dr. Feinberg's office, the parents are relieved that Billy isn't angry at him. Creepy Jesus rants on and on about how Doctor Dork ruined Brenda, and he manages to work in the line about there being nothing wrong with him that was so misused in this week's previews. He also accuses Zhora of being the malevolent nurse from the Nathaniel and Isabel books, and she takes that particular insult pretty hard. While Harvey just walks away in annoyance, Mom sits down on the steps and wonders how her children could hate her so much.
Body Shop. David unwraps a badly burned corpse while Illeana babbles about how much she enjoys saying the phrase "sinewy neck." You gotta admit, it is kinda fun to say. "Sinewy neck." "Lauren's sinewy neck." Ahhhhhhh. Oops, sorry. Anyway, Illeana tells a story about a guy with a sinewy neck she dated, and proceeds to give a Gene Simmons-style demonstration of how talented the guy was with his tongue. Another Sex and the City shout-out, perhaps? Then she makes the mistake of asking what kind of guys David is into. "What makes you think that I like men?" he asks. "Oh, please," she replies. "Let's not play that game."
Cut to the Fisher family (sans Claire) at the dinner table. Both David and Nate agree that they should fire Illeana as soon as possible, because she's very "hard to take." Ruth, however, has other ideas. "Sometimes people are hard to take," she explains, "but only because the first side they present to you is annoying or aggressive because they're nervous. It's only after you spend some time with them that you maybe realize that there's another side to them that's worth knowing." I can't believe I'm saying this, but -- marry me, Ruth. That is so the story of my life. Anyway, Claire appears at this point, and Ruth explains that the family will be on their own for dinner the night because of her plans with Nikolai. David says he's feeding the homeless, and Claire claims to be attending an overnight astronomy field trip to the observatory. Ruth isn't too sure about that last one, until Claire explains that David and Nate did it when they were in school. The brothers back her up, even though they clearly have no idea what she's talking about, and Nate even manages to work in a Sports Night shout-out by mentioning that Pluto is no longer a planet. Of course, if were a real Sports Night shout-out, he would have said it at least three times, but I suppose it'll have to do. I guess he's just not himself anymore since Jagr got traded to the Capitals. Incidentally, that was a Daniel shout-out, for those of you who may be wondering why the hell I keep mentioning Jaromir Jagr. If you're wondering why I keep mentioning "Marry me, Lauren," well, you obviously need to go read the rest of the recaps. Go ahead and do it now. I'll wait until you come back.
Alan Ball: [Flick] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Dude, turn on the TV. There's a Cheech & Chong marathon on Skinemax.
Aaron Sorkin: Hey! Stop bogarting the Pirate's Booty.
Robert Iler: Screw Cheech & Chong. Death Race 2000 is on! Damn, that's a great movie.
Alan Ball: Yeah, and I bet Aaron's all pissed that he hasn't been able to use it as a recap title yet.
MBTV Aaron: Actually, I'm more pissed that I haven't been able to use "Russell Simmons' Death Comedy Jam." You know, it's got the clever HBO tie-in and all.
Aaron Sorkin: Whatever, dude. It's still no "In Excelsis Deo."
Alan Ball: Ooh! I am sooo telling Rick on you.
MBTV Aaron: Hey, can I have a hit?
Alan Ball: Only if you admit that SFU is better than The Sopranos.
Robert Iler: Don't do it, man. I'll Jackie Jr. your ass.
MBTV Aaron: Tell you what, work in a Robert Evans joke and promise to never make a New Jersey Devils reference, and you've got yourself a deal. [Flick] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Okay. Are you back? Good. Over at Kathy Bates's house, Harvey is explaining that Doctor Dork has agreed not to press charges against Billy. Zhora and Dad have decided, however, that Billy needs to be committed, and they're asking Brenda to talk to him about it. Then she suddenly realizes that they're not just suggesting committal; they also want Billy to undergo electroshock therapy. I didn't think anyone actually did that sort of thing anymore, but if ever anyone deserved it, it's probably Billy. Brenda tells off her parents, then stalks out of the house.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Ruth is sitting in the kitchen eating lunch when Illeana comes up to join her. She explains that after she spilled beet salad on someone's wig, David is making her eat upstairs. Then she proceeds to compliment Ruth's hair and explain that she never wants to become "one of those menopausal women who go all dyke-y with the butch haircut." I think we all know where this scene is going. Ruth looks more and more mortified as Illeana gets more and more inappropriate. The final straw comes when she asks Ruth if her relationship with Hiram is "just hot sex." That was pretty much my final straw too. I just hit pause and went out for breakfast. At noon. Anyway, I'm back now, and I'll finish the scene, especially because thinking about "hot sex" with Ed Begley Jr. is doing wonders for my diet.
School. Claire is waiting for Gabe, who has apparently stood her up. Aww. See, Lauren? This is why you should marry me. I'd never stand you up. In fact, I'm waiting in the bushes outside your house right now. She checks her voicemail and finds a message from Gabe apologizing for leaving without her. "So that's it, I guess," he says. "Goodbye, Claire."
Brenda's Brotherfucking Boudoir. By the way, "brotherfucker" and all its many variants is totally tm Gustave. He's mortified that he forgot to work it into his recap, so he's asked me to rectify the situation, which you'll note I've done with gusto. For some reason, Billy is doing a little plumbing around the house. That's not a brotherfucking euphemism, by the way. He's actually fixing the pipes. Billy apologizes for his file-flinging outburst, and says that he's on new meds now, so it won't be a problem anymore. "Billy, I need to know if I should be worried about you," asks Brenda, and he assures her he'll be fine. I'm laying 10,000 to 1 odds that's not true.
Ruth is in her kitchen, preparing for her date with Nikolai. She goes to pick up a small crystal goblet, but finds that it's been broken and replaced so that no one would notice. Downstairs, Nate and David are admiring Illeana's work as they examine a corpse. "My God, you could eat off that skin," says David. That's definitely an ew, too. They're upset that she does perfect work, so they have no grounds to fire her. There's even a funny bit about how Illeana had a long philosophical argument about whether she should leave the hairs in the corpse's mole. She eventually decided that "the nieces" would want to remember their aunt exactly the way she was. And really, who doesn't have an aunt with a hairy mole? I've got, like, nineteen. Ruth comes up behind them and demands an explanation for the broken goblet. Both brothers profess their innocence, and it's worth pointing out that no one even considers the possibility that it could have been Claire. That'll be important later. Sort of. Finally, they both get a gleam in their eyes and decide that it must have been Illeana.
At the street-corner soup kitchen, Keith is unpacking a box of lunches when David appears. David mentions that he volunteers with this group several times a week, and Keith bashfully admits that he just started. Aww. He's just one Big Black Cute Cop in this scene. David offers to help, and suddenly we get another DEK moment. The homeless blowjob guy from before (and incidentally, "homeless blowjob guy" is totally a career aspiration of mine) runs up and stabs David in the chest, which prompts a suddenly uniformed Keith to draw his gun and blow the guy away. Get it? "Blow"? Keith rushes to hold the bleeding David in his arms, saying that David can't die "until [they] make love one last time." Michael C. Hall delivers a hilarious "okay" in response to that, and then snaps out of it as Keith asks if he's going to help or not.
Nikolai and Ruth are out to dinner at some fancy Russian restaurant. She's got her hair down again, which looks good, but freaks me out a little because there's just so much of it. Suddenly, two middle-aged Russian ladies at the table recognize Nikolai and come over to chat. Nikolai The Busted Guy looks uncomfortable, but Ruth happily invites the women to join them. Russian Ho #1 asks if Ruth is "Nikki's special friend" they've been hearing so much about, the one who works for Nikolai and "used to fix dead people." Ruth agrees that it must be her, and then we cut back to David and Keith. David asks if the Big Black Sex EMT he saw Keith with last week is a serious relationship, and Keith hedges a bit before asking if David's indulgence in drugs is also a serious thing. David admits that he won’t be trying Ecstasy again, and Keith lays out a future plot point by revealing that drugs screwed up his sister's life. Then again, I said that about the lipstick-coated glass back in "The Room," so who knows where they're gonna go with it. This is also a good time to mention that the club-kid consensus on the drugs from last week seems to be that it was "Special K." It's a measure of just how uncool I really am that my first thought was to wonder why David would be snorting a breakfast cereal. Tracy suddenly appears to ask David if there's "any special reason [he] showed up tonight." David looks right at Keith as he says no. Even Tracy can understand that one, so she leaves the two of them alone. David suggests getting something to eat, and Keith agrees.
Back at the restaurant, Nikolai and Ruth are dancing wildly in the aisles. It's interesting that even Nikolai is a better dancer than David. Ruth is laughing and having a great time, and then there's a smash cut to her alone in the bathroom, trying to catch her breath. Suddenly, Russian Ho #2 enters, venomously refers to her a "fucking bitch," and threatens to "tear out [Ruth's] heart like [Ruth] has torn out [hers]." And of course, just when it's getting good, we cut back to David and Keith, who are peering in through the window of Billy's gallery, trying to spot the piss picture. They finally find it, and giggle for a bit before sitting down to eat. Keith asks after Mommie Drearest, and David explains that it's weird to see his mother dating. "People should be with people," non-sequiturs Keith, and David replies that "sometimes, people are too stupid to know it." Given the fact that we're dealing with two gay men here, I'm absolutely flabbergasted that neither chooses to add that "people who need people are luckiest people around." Then again, I have some serious reservations about having anything even remotely associated with Barbra Streisand involved with my recaps, so perhaps that's for the best. They laugh and bond over tacos, and then it's back to Ruth and the Russian Ho in the bathroom. Since the phrase "Russian Ho" makes me instantly think of Anna Kournikova, I'll be calling this lady Anna for the rest of the recap. Or actually for the rest of the paragraph, since that's how long her part lasts. Anyway, Anna explains that she's been seeing Nikolai every Saturday night for six years. She'd cook him dinner, and then Nikolai would take her to the movies. In a touch that's simultaneously hilarious and over-the-top unbelievable, it turns out that Nikolai has a big fetish for Freddie Prinze Jr. films. Given the fact that we're dealing with Alan Ball here, I'm absolutely flabbergasted that he didn't make a "Scooby snacks" joke/pop-culture reference. When asked if she's planning to marry Nikolai, Ruth laughs and admits that he kind of scares her. Then she babbles on about how much she loves her job, and how she'll break up with Nikolai because she doesn't want to jeopardize her employment. This seems to mollify Anna, and Ruth gives her a great big hug before thanking her and saying, "I've had the best time coming to this restaurant and having you yell at me." Heh.
David and Keith saunter into David's bedroom, which I guess is at the Fortress, although I'm not sure if that's ever been definitively established. Keith observes that it's the first time he's ever been in David's room after dark, and David responds to that by planting a kiss on him. Then he throws Keith down on the couch and jumps on top of him. There's some more kissing, and David reaches for Keith's zipper, but then Keith pushes him away and calls for a Big Black Sex Stop. David doesn't understand why Keith would come up to his room if he weren't looking for sex, but Keith repeats that he just wants to be friends. "I don't want to be friends," snarks David. "I want to fuck…can't we just have sex? It doesn't have to mean anything." Keith looks scared by this new development in David's behavior, and excuses himself to leave, admonishing David to "take care of [himself]." David meanwhile, slumps down on the couch and flings his jacket across the room in frustration.
Okay, just how many washing machines do they have in the Fortress anyway? There's the one in the Body Shop, and there's one to the kitchen, and now there's a whole new laundry-room set that seems to be where the TV room used to be. Whatever. I guess they call it a Fortress because it's so big or something. Anyway, Nate comes home to find Claire "Marry me, Lauren" Fisher staring at a sock. He wonders why she's not out having fun after he and David lied for her, and she suddenly starts bawling because there's a hole in her sock. Aww -- don't cry, Claire. I'll have that sucker darned for you in no time at all. Cut to later, as Nate and Claire sit on one of the many washing machines and chat. Nate asks about Gabe, and Claire explains that she just really likes the idea that someone needs her, someone who doesn't see her as just "some annoying extra person lumped in with everyone else." Since I think my feelings on this subject have been made abundantly clear (Marry me, Lauren!), I'll just point out that this is what I meant earlier when I said that the fact that no one even considered Claire as a suspect in the Great Goblet Breaking of 2001 would be important. Nate claims that he needs Claire, but she laughs at that, and Nate looks just bashful enough to have realized that she's probably right. Claire starts really crying now, asking if there's something wrong with her, and why everyone in her life that she cares about suddenly disappears. Nate has obviously been taking psychobabble lessons from Brenda, as he points out that he thinks she's talking about Dad, and not Gabe. He tells her that she's eventually going to have to deal with her feelings, and she tearfully replies, "God, can't I just get upset without having to focus on what's really making me upset?" Nate agrees that it worked for him for "thirty-four years," and then they hug, and I hit pause to pretend that it's my rectangle head she's leaning against, and not his.
Oh boy. I think I may need to take a little break before recapping this scene, so I'm gonna run out and do a load of laundry in one of my nineteen washing machines. I'll be right back.
Alan Ball: [Flick] Ahhhhhhhhhh. Man, I can't believe this dork thinks he's got a chance with Lauren Ambrose. Now that's funny!
MBTV Aaron: Dude! I'm sitting right here, you know.
Alan Ball: Yeah, and we all read your recaps. What's your point?
Aaron Sorkin: Hey! Quit bogarting the Special K. I need all the fiber I can get with these shrooms in my system.
Robert Iler: So, do you think Lauren would go for me? I'm at least a celebrity, you know. Plus it's pretty clear she likes the bad boys.
Aaron Sorkin: You? A bad boy? Please. At least my bust was a felony. All you did was steal some lunch money.
Robert Iler: Yeah, well, at least I wasn't dumb enough to run my crack pipe through airport security there, Whitney.
MBTV Aaron: Hey! Don't make me come over there. Especially because I don't think I could stand up right now. [Flick] Ahhhhhhhh.
Aaron Sorkin: Whatever. We'll see who's laughing on Emmy night. That is, if your parents let you stay out that late.
Okay. The whites are in the dryer, so I'm back. David is on the internet, and surprisingly, he's chosen to go for gay porn over Mighty Big TV. I know Sars and Wing Chun were faced with roughly the same choice when they started this site, and I think we can all agree they've made the right decision. Believe me, the last thing anyone wants to see are big giant pictures of Demian and me. David is also on the phone, telling some random phone sex operator that his name is "Jim," and that he's a "six-two, one-hundred-and-ninety-pound" "professional boxer" with a dick that's "nine-and-a-half inches uncut." I'll spare you the graphic details of the rest of the scene, because I'm already way over my "heh or ew" quota for this recap. Instead, I'll just mention that as a further sign of David's decline, he's switched from milk to beer as his masturbation beverage of choice.
The Brotherfucker Boudoir. Nate comes over late at night to see Brenda, but she doesn't want to talk about Billy because that's all she's done for two days. Nate acts all concerned, and climbs into bed with her. He whispers sweet nothings in her ear, and then confesses that he loves her, and needs her, and wants her to need him too. Brenda feigns sleepiness, but she smiles and says that she's doing the best she can. Fade to white.
The morning, David comes down to the Body Shop, looking disheveled and straightening his tie. "Rough night, stud?" asks Illeana, and David immediately responds, "You're fired!" Aww. Not because I feel bad for Illeana, but because it reminds me of every conversation I've ever had with Sars. ["Except that I play both parts." -- Sars] Those were some good times.
At the Brotherfucker Boudoir, Brenda's mother (fucker) has shown up with Sunday brunch. Brenda perches on the counter in the kitchen, looking totally weirded out by her mother's presence. When Nate joins them, Brenda explains that Mom dropped by to find out if Brenda talked Billy into committing himself. When Brenda says that she's not going to do it, Zhora screams, "Goddammit!" before adding that she's really upset because she asked for chives and they gave her "this veggie crap" for the bagels. Then she calmly tries to explain to Brenda that Billy really didn't try to commit suicide while Brenda was in Europe. Instead, he blew up the family living room because he was trying to build a bomb. Then she claims that Billy was in the hospital all summer because they had him committed. Instead of pointing out the obvious, which is that BILLY WOULD HAVE MENTIONED ALL THIS AT LEAST ONCE in the years since, Brenda accepts it all as true and gets angry that Mom has been lying to her. She screams at Zhora to get out of the house and let Harrison Ford check her dressing room for peepholes, but when Mom doesn't leave, Brenda takes off instead. Nate's cell phone picks this inopportune time to ring, as David has called to report that he fired Illeana. David wants to hire the panic-attack guy, but Nate claims to have a better idea.
Cut to Nate finding Rico at Kroehner's. He says hi, and then the Redheaded Jew giggles when she discovers that he's one of the Fishers. She excuses herself for a smoke break, and then we cut to Claire at her school as she tries to call Gabe, without success. Way to jump from Sunday to Monday without so much as hint there, Kathy. On the other hand, it's page sixteen and I haven't said anything bad about her directing yet, so I guess I had to work something in. Actually, she did an excellent job this week, and I've decided that it's okay for them to bring her back season. Because my approval is so important to them. Claire heads inside the school, and discovers that Gabe's locker has been completely cleaned out. Dun dun DUN!
Formaldehyde Fortress. Illeana is carrying all her stuff out when Ruth finds her and offers to help. Illeana apologizes for breaking the goblet and not saying anything, especially because "it's totally unlike [her] to not say what [she's] thinking." She claims that she gets a silent vibe off everyone there; they're all so fragile and not willing to hear things, and for example she can't even believe how uptight David is just about being gay. Whoops! Ruth looks aghast, and just stands there openmouthed for the rest of the scene. Illeana makes her way to the door, and adds that she's never worked in a funeral home more depressing than this one. Heh. Good line. Ruth can't appreciate it, however, because she's still in shock. Oh please, like she hasn't known for weeks. I'm sure she's repressed it, but the woman isn't stupid.
Back at Kroehner's, Nate and Rico discuss his employment situation. Predictably, Rico is unhappy, as his job isn't challenging enough and he feels like he's working on an assembly line. Rico reveals that it was Kroehner that burned down the house, and that Gilardi is still obsessed with taking them down. Yawn. Wake me when this plot matters again. Rico agrees to return to Fisher & Sons, provided they match his salary, give him flexible hours to take care of his baby, and understand that it's not permanent. He hints one last time about becoming a partner, and Nate explains that he can't offer that, unless Rico wants to marry Claire. Marry me…ah, you know what? That one's too easy. Nate agrees to Rico's demands, and welcomes him back into the fold. Rico, of course, takes this opportunity to remark that he's heard there's a picture of Nate pissing in an art gallery somewhere. Heh.
And finally, Lauren has returned to Gabe's house. She asks for Gabe's dad's phone number so she can call, and is surprised to learn that said dad has been dead for years. Sad Mom asks Claire to tell Gabe that she doesn't appreciate him staying out all night, and then Claire has a flashback to the "I guess that's it" part of the voicemail he left for her. As she frantically pounds on the door to get Sad Mom to return, we fade to white in anticipation of week's resolution.
Whew. Good episode. Although I would like to send a note to the HBO scheduling department, reminding them that it's really uncool to run past 10:30 with these episodes, because the TiVo cuts off automatically. I had to re-tape Wednesday's show just to get the ending. Then again, maybe that's exactly what they wanted. Damn you, Gerald Levin!
Alan Ball: [Flick] Ahhhhhhhhh. So what'd you guys think?
Aaron Sorkin: Not bad. It's no "Will he run again?" but I did like the cliffhanger.
Robert Iler: It would have been cooler if Gabe had been shot in the back of the head.
MBTV Aaron: I'll say.
Alan Ball: Oh, don't worry about Gabe. Something tells me he'll be back.
MBTV Aaron: Damn! I wish he'd stop bogarting the Lauren Ambrose.
Aaron Sorkin: Dude. Seriously. Give it up. Your repetition is beginning to scare even me.
MBTV Aaron: Oh yeah? Marry me, Lauren! Marry me, Lauren! Marry me, Lauren! How's that?
Alan Ball, Aaron Sorkin, and Robert Iler: Get out. Now.
Alan Ball: And you can leave the bong on the mantle.