The New Person

After The Ironically White Title Card Of Death mourns the passing of Jonathon Arthur "Aaron" Hanley, we fade back up on David and Nate in the Body Shop. Kathy Bates scores her first style points of the evening by using the exact same panning shot of the DGDJ she used in the opening, only this time, the guy is lying dead on a gurney. Nate offers some speculation about why the wife decided to suddenly off her husband, including the possibility that he "had some sick sexual thing he made her do." Gee, you think he might be projecting a little bit there? Anyway, David reports that all the wife told the police was that he was "boring." Heh. Both David and Nate agree that boringness is a perfectly acceptable reason to commit murder (and aren't I in trouble if that's true!). Then Nate pauses for a moment, looks contemplative, and reveals that occasionally he's boring too. When David admits to being boring as well, the boys take a moment to consider the ramifications, and then immediately change the subject. Heh redux. It seems that business at Fisher & Sons is booming again, and while David feels secure that he can handle all the restorations in Rico's absence, Nate isn't quite so sure. In fact, he's already gone ahead and scheduled some interviews for later that day. David reluctantly agrees to hire someone.

So now we cut to the interviews. For me, the definitive interview-jump-cut scene will always be the roommate selection bit in Shallow Grave, followed closely by that one episode of Star Trek where Picard gets court-martialed. This one, however, would probably make a pretty close third. The first applicant is an earnest young man who gives off a distinct Jehovah's Witness sort of vibe. He's all clean-cut and well mannered, and he offers praise for all of the "gifted restorative artists" he's had the opportunity to study under. So, of course, it's not surprising at all when he turns out to be a lying, profanity-spewing freak. Funny, but not surprising. Apparently there was a problem with an unembalmed arm at his job, but before Nate can commiserate with the missing foot story, we cut to the applicant. This guy has panic attacks, and likes to spend hours in bed chanting until "the dark time passes." Kathy Bates gets in another dig at me by framing the guy's bald head dead center in the shot. The third and final applicant is a nervous but professional young woman who speaks about how she felt "at home" the first time she ever embalmed anyone. Please. Like it even matters what she says in the interview. It's Illeana Douglas, and since she's the only name celebrity who's applied for the job, we know she's getting hired. After she leaves, Nate instantly says he'll wait an hour before calling her so that they don't look desperate. David just wants to be sure she can start the day.

Nighttime at the Formaldehyde Fortress. David is vacuuming, which, due to my extensive and long-term commitment to this show, instantly clues me in to the fact that wacky hijinks are imminent. And here they are. It's another musical number. Oy. See, I kind of like the David E. Kelley-style moments on this show, because unlike on Ally, they actually seem related to what the characters are thinking. They're not just cheap excuses to bring in some singer or whatever C-list actor the producers have a crush on. This particular musical number, however, seems like they just threw it in because they remembered that Michael C. Hall used to be on Broadway. Although Michael himself is actually pretty good in it, as he dances and sings about "breaking out" and "going wild" while scantily-clad men carry him about the living room. Unfortunately, he seems to have a very distinctive dance-routine hairstyle in all these scenes, and it's really distracting me. Anyway, the song ends when Mom appears and wakes him out of his reverie. She asks why he's just standing there staring off into space, and instead of pointing out that she frequently does the exact same thing, David claims to just have been "thinking." As he walks away, I wonder why they've got Ruth wearing hideous make-up that makes her look vaguely evil.

And then I get an answer when we cut to the scene, which is at Billy's photo gallery. We dissolve straight from Ruth's rouged face to a photo of a squalling baby, and the resemblance is uncanny. We pan around the crowded gallery before settling on Nate and Brenda, as Brenda teases that he's going to regret not getting high with her. To be perfectly honest, I regret not getting high for this part, but seeing as how it's 8:15 on a Sunday morning, that's probably for the best. Brenda spies Billy and gushes about how "handsome" and "confident" he looks, and then Billy comes over, breathes right in her face, and asks if his breath stinks. Nice. If I did that to my sister, she'd probably start rubbing her armpits in my nose. And before you ask, no, we're not sleeping together. Anyway, Brenda says that this show is Billy's best work yet, and praises it for being "very disturbing." Suddenly, Ruth and Nikolai appear, and Brenda cops to having invited them as part of her ploy to increase the dramatic tension and potential for comedy in the scene. Okay, she actually just says that she wanted Mommie Drearest to like her, but we all know what she really meant. Before Ruth can join them, however, Ma Chenowith appears. I know I called her Bo last time, but then Pontoon shamed me by pointing out that Joanna Cassidy was actually in one of my favorite movies of all time, Blade Runner. So, she'll be Zhora from here on out. I just didn't recognize her without the snake and the see-through raincoat. Zhora drunkenly slobbers over her children, and then leans over to whisper seductively in her son's ear. Then she looks Brenda in the eye and fulfills this week's incest tease quota by saying, "You can't keep him to yourself all the time." Nate echoes my sentiments by observing that the Chenowith family is "fucked up beyond comprehension." Also, your homework assignment for this week is to speculate on what exactly Zhora whispered into Billy's ear. You've got ten words or less, and the winner will be printed in week's recap. Let's try to keep it PG-13, though, okay?

With Zhora gone, Ruth and Nikolai wander over, and small talk is exchanged. Nate, ever the suave one, asks after Hiram right in front of Nikolai. Turns out the St. Elsewhore is visiting his son in Portland, which is apparently code for "worked the producers' and the viewers' last nerves, so we gave him the week off." In another corner of the room, Billy and his mommy are chatting. She also praises his work, calling it "not at all left-brain like your father." Then she explains that Dad couldn't make it because he's treating a patient who suffered a "complete psychotic breakdown." Billy points out that this sort of thing seems to happen every time something important happens in his life, and I have to agree that the excuse does sound sort of fishy. I mean, if Dad were really looking for complete psychotic breakdowns, this gallery would be an excellent place to start. Back over to Nate, Ruth, and Nikolai, where Brenda is putting her foot in her mouth. Which is odd as well, because in a public place like this one, you'd expect her to be putting Nate's foot in her mouth. You'll notice how I kept that last joke PG-13. In the interests of increasing the dramatic tension and comedic possibilities of the scene, Zhora comes over and drapes herself over Nate, calling him "Mr. Seattle Co-Op Hippie Boy." When she finds out that Nate's mom is there, however, she suddenly understands why Ruth is looking at her "like [she] just took a giant dump on [her] lawn." Oy. Zhora notices that a "Dr. Feinberg" has arrived, and Nate helpfully exposits that this is the guy who wrote Charlotte: Light and Dark. Brenda refers to Doctor Dork as a "Nazi fuck," which sets an HBO single-season record for usage of that particular phrase. Marry me, Lauren. Brenda and her mom bicker for a bit as the good doctor makes his way over, and then Doc Feinberg sleazes all over the entire Chenowith clan. Brenda stalks off in disgust, and Zhora asks Billy what the theme of his show is. "Mother, nothing is more tedious than when you look for meaning in my work," he replies. "I don't need your fucking approval." Actually, I can think of any number of things more tedious than that, and one of them is the fact that this scene is still nowhere near being over.

Cut to later, as Brenda and Nate wander around looking at the pictures. Nate acknowledges that Billy does in fact have some talent, but then they notice the picture, and hilarity is about to ensue. It's a heavily Photoshopped shot of Nate pissing against a brick wall, and of course, the Rectangle Head has to freak out about it. When Billy joins them, Nate accuses him of being a stalker, to which Billy replies, "Wow. You really think the world revolves around you, don't you?" I think it's pretty clear that the world revolves around me, but that's a story for a different recap. Nate stalks off in anger, and Billy is heartbroken when Brenda takes Nate's side and runs off after him. And then, finally, Nikolai and Ruth show up to end the scene, with Nikolai giggling madly at the picture of Nate. Heh. I swear to God, I could die a happy man if Begley never returned. Nikolai is way funnier.

Back at Brenda's Brotherfucking Boudoir, Nate is still pissed about, well, the pissing picture. Brenda drearily tells him not to make everything about him, and then proceeds to make everything about her by justifying Billy's behavior. There's more fighting and psychobabble as Nate wonders if Billy has ever done anything "weird" or dangerous. This whole thing is just a set-up for Brenda to exposit a story about Billy attempting to kill himself when she was eighteen. Apparently, Brenda went to Europe for the summer, and when she got back, Zhora met her at the airport to tell her that Billy had committed suicide. Except Mom meant to say that Billy had tried to commit suicide. That's one hell of a Freudian slip, don't you think? Anyway, Brenda spent the whole summer at the hospital caring for her brother, and gave up a college scholarship at Yale to be with him. I guess that's also supposed to explain what a girl with an IQ of 185 is doing giving massages, instead of, oh, say, running an incredibly popular and profitable website about TV. Anyway, just remember this story later on in the episode, when the plot holes start to get big enough to drive trucks through.

After the mandatory fifteen-minute-mark fade to white, we return to the Formaldehyde Fortress, where the Fishers are all sitting down to breakfast. Claire asks her brother if he's peed on any walls lately. Heh. Marry me, Lauren. She's even got cute pajamas. Nate needles his mom about her date with Nikolai, and then turns to ask David, "What happened to thatperson you were seeing?" Everyone, Ruth included, perks their ears up at Nate's near miscue. David admits that the "person" (read: "Ho") is no longer in the picture, and Nate then proceeds to start grilling Claire about her love life as well. Instead of admitting to having an illicit affair with a world-famous TV critic, she simply says that she's just been "hanging out" with someone. Ruth and David head off to church, and the scene ends.

Oh dear Lord. Claire and Gabe are at his house, and they're watching, wait for itFull House. Because there's nothing that would cheer me up more after the death of a younger sibling than watching a show about four precociously cute kids. Although I guess making fun of John Stamos could brighten anyone's day. Gabe decides to pack up all of his brother's toys to give to the kid door, but then his mom comes home and yells at him for it. "She doesn't even look me in the eyes anymore," he says, and Claire looks heartbroken for him. She decides to take him on a little field trip, and leads him out of the house.

Back at the Body Shop, Illeana Douglas has shown up for her first day of work. Before Nate can even let her into the room, she apologizes for having eaten calamari the night before, because "this is one time the strong smell of formaldehyde really comes in handy." Ew. Then we cut straight to a shot of Illeana's breasts as she gets to work and relates a story about a turkey baster and a guy with a low sperm count. Ew again. Or is this yet another Sex and the City shout-out? You be the judge. And in yet another nod to Alan Ball's penchant for pot, Illeana is wearing a pot-leaf pendant. Rick Cleveland aside, I get the distinct sense that Alan Ball and Aaron Sorkin would get along just famously, don't you? I'd love to be a fly on the bong for those convorsations.

Alan Ball: [Flick] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So, who wants to try that Pink Floyd/Wizard of Oz thing?
Aaron Sorkin: Dude! Quit bogarting the Cheetos.
Robert Iler: You know, this is some good shit. Who'd you have to beat up to get it?
Alan Ball: Actually, no one. Woody Harrelson just moved in door to me. He grows it right in his backyard.
Aaron Sorkin: Hey, you better be careful, kid. Too much of that stuff, and somebody's going to emergency, and somebody's going to jail.
Robert Iler: Shut up, Shroom Boy. My show can totally kick your show's ass.
Aaron Sorkin: Yeah, but my show can investigate your show for RICO violations.
Alan Ball: Both of you shut up, or you'll be appearing in the opening to MY show.
Aaron Sorkin: Ooh, that reminds me. Since you like celebrity directors as much as I do, I'll trade you Laura Innes and Ken Olin for Kathy Bates season.
Alan Ball: Deal. But only if you throw in Jaromir Jagr and some cash.

Back in the Body Shop, Illeana has made herself at home. David enters, and after Illeana tells him that she thinks his being a deacon is "adorable," she goes on to explain that she's wearing a halter top because embalming makes her glands go into overdrive and she gets all "pitted." When David tries to suggest a "more professional appearance," she correctly points out that "they're just nipples." She goes on to add that "we've all seen them, we've all touched them, and we've all sucked on them. And its not like this guy's going to be lying in the casket and people are going to be saying, 'Oh my God, the embalmer's nipples were hard!'" David does a double take at this while Nate tries manfully not to giggle in the background. David then excuses himself to go feed the homeless, and offers that he just wanted to make sure her first day was going okay. "Well, thanks," she replies. "I'm all gassy, but that's not your fault." I can't decide whether that gets an "ew" or a "heh." You be the judge.

The Ironic Segue Fairy overdubs Brenda saying, "It's hard when a new person comes into a situation. It throws everything off balance." Then we cut to a patented Six Feet Under funky-focus shot, as Billy's face fills about eighty percent of the screen with Brenda in the background in the upper right-hand corner. Billy explains that he doesn't feel threatened by Nate, but Brenda calls him on it, pointing out that he must have known the piss picture was wrong because he didn't show it to her first. "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" asks Billy, and Brenda shouts back, "Because I love him. You're fucking with my life, Billy, and it's not fair." Aww. That's sweet. Brenda, still upset, storms off to her bedroom, and Billy is left alone in the front of the house. For me, this scene put an end to my incest speculations, as it's something that clearly would have come up during this argument. I'm sure that won't stop Alan and the gang from continuing with the hints, though.

Out on the street corner, David is serving lunch to the homeless. He has a quick DEK moment where one homeless guy requests a blowjob, and then he leaves the table for a drink of water. While he's doing that, he overhears a newly blonde Tracy The Annoying Funeral Stalker reading off a list of names of people who will be feeding the homeless the night. I doubt too many people caught it the first time through, but one of the names was Keith. As Tracy rounds the corner, she's shocked to find David standing there. They exchange awkward small-talk, and she reveals that she's discovered that he attended St. Stephens for a while, although she insists that "it just came up naturally" in conversation. David admits that he did attend, and agrees that St. Stephens is "very progressive." Tracy seems to finally get the message after that one, but we cut away too soon to be sure.

But that's okay, because we cut to Claire and Gabe, giggling over Nate's piss picture. Marry me, Lauren, and I'll piss on a wall for you any time you want. Of course, that's sort of how she and I got into this whole restraining-order mess in the first place, but that's okay. Also, while we're on the subject, thanks to all the buzzkills who e-mailed me and posted links to the TV Guide article in which Lauren discusses her engagement. Although I guess that if I'm not going to let a little thing like her not even knowing I'm alive stop me, a fiance should be the least of my problems. I will prevail. Oh, yes, I will prevail. Gabe laughs for the first time since his brother died, and then issues a heartfelt, if seventeen-year-old-boy-style, apology for telling everyone about the foot incident. You can really see Lauren Ambrose's emotion at hearing precisely the words she's wanted to hear from this boy, and she grasps his hand and smiles as we fade out.

Body Shop. Nate walks in to find Illeana working and chatting on her hands-free cell phone. Just in case we haven't gotten that she's a wild one yet, she's arguing with her (presumed) boyfriend about the fact that he won't help her to have a "one-hour orgasm," despite the fact that she dressed up in an outfit and called him "Daddy" all last weekend. It was at this point that I began cringing in anticipation of the inevitable bestiality, golden shower, and/or hermaphrodite joke that you just knew was coming. Far be it from the SFU staff to show some decorum. On the other hand, it is somewhat refreshing to be able to count on them taking every single joke to its perverse, over-the-top extreme. These guys make David E. Kelley look like David Milch. Illeana also points out that she's sorry that men can't have the one-hour orgasm, but "since you guys get everything else on the planet, it seems like a fair trade-off." Heh. Also, was I the only one that couldn't help but remember the old L.A. Law "Venus Butterfly" gag here? When she hangs up, Nate tries to convince her to watch the personal calls when David is around. Then, of course, Nate's cell phone rings with a personal call of his own. It's Brenda, and they bicker quietly while Illeana tries to listen in. All she can hear is something about the "pissing," so naturally she tries to counsel him. Nate tells her to mind her own business, and Illeana rewards us with that golden-shower joke I've been waiting for. "I had an ex who wanted to pee on me, you know, and I wasn't grossed out. I just thought it was kind of silly." Peter Krause cracks me up with his facial expression as he backs slowly out of the room.

At the Flower Shop, Nikolai comes up to Ruth as she's working and nervously thanks her for taking him to the photo show. When Ruth asks him if he might want to go to dinner sometime, he giddily accepts and skips away.

At school, Claire comes up on Gabe and his Mini-Ball Friend from last week. The friend is trying to convince Gabe to go to a party, but Lauren quickly dismisses him by calling him "Peanut Testicle." Marry me, Lauren. Gabe explains that he has to head to Barstow to try to borrow money from his dad. Claire invites herself along for the drive, saying she'll "stay in, like, some creepy motel and read a Stephen King book," while he visits with his dad. Gabe relents, telling her to meet him after class the day.

Cut to a university somewhere, and then we go inside and follow a hand holding some keys as it moves down the hallway. At first, I thought this was bizarre Addams Family reference, especially since Peanut Testicle called Claire "Morticia" in that last scene. But it turns out that there actually is a body attached to the hand, and it belongs to Dr. Feinberg. He opens his office door to find the place trashed, and "Nathaniel + Isabel" spray-painted on all his walls. Gee, I wonder who could have done that?

Cut to a spooky underwater shot of someone throwing papers into a pool. When we come up for air, we discover Billy at his parents' place, tossing all of Doctor Dork's files into the water. Hey! I think I've finally figured out why they keep letting Kathy Bates direct. This must be her house. She directed the only other episode that was set here, so it all makes sense. Anyway, Harvey and Zhora show up, and act all put-upon that their obviously insane son is having yet another breakdown. When Dad realizes that Billy has trashed Dr. Feinberg's office, the parents are relieved that Billy isn't angry at him. Creepy Jesus rants on and on about how Doctor Dork ruined Brenda, and he manages to work in the line about there being nothing wrong with him that was so misused in this week's previews. He also accuses Zhora of being the malevolent nurse from the Nathaniel and Isabel books, and she takes that particular insult pretty hard. While Harvey just walks away in annoyance, Mom sits down on the steps and wonders how her children could hate her so much.

Body Shop. David unwraps a badly burned corpse while Illeana babbles about how much she enjoys saying the phrase "sinewy neck." You gotta admit, it is kinda fun to say. "Sinewy neck." "Lauren's sinewy neck." Ahhhhhhh. Oops, sorry. Anyway, Illeana tells a story about a guy with a sinewy neck she dated, and proceeds to give a Gene Simmons-style demonstration of how talented the guy was with his tongue. Another Sex and the City shout-out, perhaps? Then she makes the mistake of asking what kind of guys David is into. "What makes you think that I like men?" he asks. "Oh, please," she replies. "Let's not play that game."

Cut to the Fisher family (sans Claire) at the dinner table. Both David and Nate agree that they should fire Illeana as soon as possible, because she's very "hard to take." Ruth, however, has other ideas. "Sometimes people are hard to take," she explains, "but only because the first side they present to you is annoying or aggressive because they're nervous. It's only after you spend some time with them that you maybe realize that there's another side to them that's worth knowing." I can't believe I'm saying this, but -- marry me, Ruth. That is so the story of my life. Anyway, Claire appears at this point, and Ruth explains that the family will be on their own for dinner the night because of her plans with Nikolai. David says he's feeding the homeless, and Claire claims to be attending an overnight astronomy field trip to the observatory. Ruth isn't too sure about that last one, until Claire explains that David and Nate did it when they were in school. The brothers back her up, even though they clearly have no idea what she's talking about, and Nate even manages to work in a Sports Night shout-out by mentioning that Pluto is no longer a planet. Of course, if were a real Sports Night shout-out, he would have said it at least three times, but I suppose it'll have to do. I guess he's just not himself anymore since Jagr got traded to the Capitals. Incidentally, that was a Daniel shout-out, for those of you who may be wondering why the hell I keep mentioning Jaromir Jagr. If you're wondering why I keep mentioning "Marry me, Lauren," well, you obviously need to go read the rest of the recaps. Go ahead and do it now. I'll wait until you come back.

Alan Ball: [Flick] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Dude, turn on the TV. There's a Cheech & Chong marathon on Skinemax.
Aaron Sorkin: Hey! Stop bogarting the Pirate's Booty.
Robert Iler: Screw Cheech & Chong. Death Race 2000 is on! Damn, that's a great movie.
Alan Ball: Yeah, and I bet Aaron's all pissed that he hasn't been able to use it as a recap title yet.
MBTV Aaron: Actually, I'm more pissed that I haven't been able to use "Russell Simmons' Death Comedy Jam." You know, it's got the clever HBO tie-in and all.
Aaron Sorkin: Whatever, dude. It's still no "In Excelsis Deo."
Alan Ball: Ooh! I am sooo telling Rick on you.
MBTV Aaron: Hey, can I have a hit?
Alan Ball: Only if you admit that SFU is better than The Sopranos.
Robert Iler: Don't do it, man. I'll Jackie Jr. your ass.
MBTV Aaron: Tell you what, work in a Robert Evans joke and promise to never make a New Jersey Devils reference, and you've got yourself a deal. [Flick] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Okay. Are you back? Good. Over at Kathy Bates's house, Harvey is explaining that Doctor Dork has agreed not to press charges against Billy. Zhora and Dad have decided, however, that Billy needs to be committed, and they're asking Brenda to talk to him about it. Then she suddenly realizes that they're not just suggesting committal; they also want Billy to undergo electroshock therapy. I didn't think anyone actually did that sort of thing anymore, but if ever anyone deserved it, it's probably Billy. Brenda tells off her parents, then stalks out of the house.