The show starts off with Samantha talking to a young girl who is dressed up like she thinks she is thirty. The girl tells Samantha, "I want it all, I want it now, and I want you to get it for me." Carrie tells us that the girl is Jenny Brier, the daughter of a wealthy NY restaurateur, and that after firing two other firms, she wants Samantha to do the PR for her Bat Mitzvah party. Jenny tells her she wants Vanity Fair, Carson Daly, People, Teen People, and *NSync at her party. Samantha tells Jenny that she doesn't do kids' parties, and Jenny tells her that her father has invited "over three hundred of his most powerful friends" and that they would be spending at least a million dollars on the party. Samantha's eyes flash dollar signs, and she smiles and tells Jenny that they won't be able to get *NSync.
The girls meet for lunch at what Carrie tells us is "haute cafeteria cuisine," and as they sit down with their trays of food, Miranda stands around and looks at someone at another table. She tells the girls that she thought a cute guy was looking at her. Because they all have the maturity of middle-school girls, they all turn around and look at the guy and make "ooohhh!" noises at Miranda. Apparently, Helen Keller now designs for Chanel, because Carrie is sporting a blouse that only a blind person who can't hear people yell "What in the hell are you doing with those hideous colors patched together!" would design. With the appropriately mismatched do-rag on her head and the big "Carrie" hoop earrings, she sort of looks like Rae Dawn Chong in Beat Street. Miranda then tells the girls that she went to the doctor about her headaches and he told her that she is a tongue thruster, which means that when she sleeps, she pushes her front teeth with her tongue, so her bite is off; she is going to go to the orthodontist the day. Carrie doesn't really care, because she wants Miranda to go over to the cute guy and give him her phone number. Miranda refuses to act like she is thirteen, so Carrie does it for her. The cute guy gives Carrie his business card to give to Miranda. Gee, maybe they can go on a group date and go to Friendly's for some ice cream and then to the movies, where they can try to sneak into a rated-R movie!
Carrie is walking down the street drinking bottled water, and she tells us that she decided to brave the heat and go to her shoe repairman to have him work on her soles. She goes to where the shoe repair shop should be, but it is now a comic book store. She goes into the store and asks the guy behind the counter where the shoe repair guy went. He tells her that the shoe guy closed the shop because he couldn't afford the rent. Comic book boy and Carrie have small talk about writing comics and writing newspaper columns, Wonder Woman, blah blah blah flirtcakes. He shows her a comic he drew called Power Lad. She decides to buy a comic from him.
Carrie tells us that she never got her shoes fixed, but a week later she got a new pair of boots. Phew! I was worried she wouldn't have proper footwear! Not. She opens an envelope from work with letters and other correspondence in it, and she finds a drawing of herself as Wonder Woman on the phone calling Power Lad. She tells us she felt compelled to call him and thank him. Then she tells us that Charlotte went surfing on the Internet to find out a way to fix Kyle's problem. She finds a site about erectile dysfunction and a hydraulic pump, so Kyle could turn into a bionic man.
Carrie meets Power Lad at Bar Code, which is a trendy bar that has expensive video games. Carrie wonders what happened to Frogger and Ms. Pacman. PL tells her Ms. Pacman married Pacman, and Carrie thinks that is the greatest thing to ever happen. PL asks her to go on a video ride with her, and she accepts, and as she climbs into the ride, she tells us, "Without ever leaving the building, Power Lad took me to furthest reaches of the galaxy, and right back to seventh grade." Um, Carrie, you have been living in the seventh grade for a few weeks now. At least you know it now, and knowing is half the battle.
Charlotte is in bed looking at a book, but she really has a printout of the bionic penis pump hidden in front of the pages, and she is listening to Kyle talk about his wacky wine-ordering antics with his friends. Kyle asks her how her day was, and she tells him she went to the gallery and the framer's, then went on the Internet. She then slides the penis-pump printout over to him, and he looks at it and gets disgusted. She tells him that they have tried everything else and she thought he would at least try it. He gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it.
Carrie tells us, "Five beers, four video games, 102 degrees outside later…" I don't know what part of New York City Carrie is living in, but the city has been pretty cool lately. I guess the writers just assumed that there would be an Indian summer in the city and it would stay hot and sticky later into September. Carrie walks out of the bar and onto the sidewalk, and PL follows her and unfolds the scooter from his backpack. Carrie thinks it is too hot to scoot, so PL invites her to his apartment since there is a nice breeze on his terrace. Carrie tells him she doesn't "scoot to a guy's terrace on the first date." Is that what the young people are calling it nowadays? Carrie usually waits until the second date to scoot her legs open. PL tells her he has central air, so she lets all her morals go to the wayside and hops on his scooter to go to his place. ["And how come she can't afford a window unit if she can afford Blahniks? Go to PC Richard, woman!" -- Sars]
Up on PL's terrace, Carrie is loving the view and the breeze, and PL goes to get them some beers. As Carrie wonders how he can afford such a great place, a middle-aged woman comes out and says hello. PL introduces Carrie to his mother, Mrs. Adams (and PL happens to have two bottles of Sam Adams in his hand. Coincidence?). Mrs. Adams decides to go to bed and tells PL not to stay up too late. PL looks embarrassed, and Carrie looks confused.
Carrie and Samantha are having lunch at Commune, which is owned by Jenny's father. She tells Samantha about PL living with his parents, and Samantha gives Carrie her cell phone to call PL and dump him. Carrie tells her PL put all his money into the comic book store and is saving his money to get a place of his own. Miranda joins them and shows off her new braces -- she has to wear them for a year because of the tongue thrusting. A waitress brings over a bottle of Dom Perignon and tells Samantha it is compliments of Jenny. Samantha gets all pissed off because a thirteen-year-old is buying her $200 bottles of champagne, and when she was thirteen she bought nothing, because she was poor and had to work at Dairy Queen. Obviously Jenny doesn't care about saving money, because you can easily buy a bottle of Dom Perignon for $89 at Sam's Club. I know, because I've done it. Yummy! Samantha is all "Where is she? Where's that little Brat Mitzvah beast?!" as Jenny and two friends prance on over to where the girls are, looking like thirteen-year-old versions of the Fab Four with their outrageous designer outfits that should never really be worn off a catwalk. Jenny sees Carrie and is all "YOU! Are so fucking fabulous!" and then tells Carrie how her column on secret sex was all about her life, since her last boyfriend was all about sex when they were alone, but when they were in school he didn't want anything to do with her. The grown-ups and I look mortified, and then someone's cell phone rings. As the Mini-Fab Three check to see whose phone is ringing, Miranda notices that one of the girls has blue braces. She asks the girl about them, and the girl tells her that they are sapphire. She then notices Miranda's regular braces and gasps, not realizing that they still made old-fashioned braces anymore. Miranda looks really embarrassed, and I would be too, since you can get clear braces now or even some clear retainer-looking thing that I just started seeing commercials for. Jenny tells them they have to go, and as they are leaving, she tells Carrie again that she is fucking fabulous before they sashay off. Carrie can't believe that the girls dress and sound just like them.
Carrie is in her apartment, and wonders if the teenagers are trying to act her age, or are women her age trying to act like teenagers? No, Carrie, it's just you, made worse by the fact that you dress like a mentally challenged seven-year-old. She types on her laptop, "Are the women of my generation growing into mature responsible adults, or are we 34 going on 13?" I'd say you are a lot older than thirty-four and trying to fool us by acting like you're thirteen.
Miranda is at dinner with the cute guy from the cafeteria, and Carrie tells us that Miranda was finally feeling strong enough for solid food. Miranda is spreading some black grainy food substance onto a piece of bread and shoveling it into her mouth as her date is telling her what he does for a living. Miranda asks him a question, and all he sees is the grainy stuff all caught in her braces. I saw that one coming a mile away! What is she going to do , get gum caught in the back of her braces too? The guy looks a little shocked, and then nicely tells Miranda that she has something stuck in her braces. She tells him she just got the braces and needs to get used to them, as she looks at her teeth on the reflection of her knife, and then looks mortified. The guy asks her how it would be to kiss someone with braces, and she tells him her dentist told her it should be fine. He laughs and guesses a blow job is out of the question. Miranda starts to smile, but then covers her grain-encrusted teeth. The guy tells her it was a joke and apologizes, but Miranda is still covering her teeth.
The day Miranda and Carrie are walking down the street together eating ice cream, and Miranda must have just told Carrie about her date because Carrie tells her that "he just didn't want your hardware getting close to his software." The comedian strikes again! Miranda tells her that everyone notices her braces, and she feels like a big nerd and won't be able to date while she has the braces on, and Carrie tells her that if a guy is worth dating he won't care about the braces, only her. Miranda is all, "That is very After-School Special of you!" Which is exactly what I was thinking when Carrie said that. Miranda tells her that the sick thing about it is that, even now, she wouldn't date a guy with braces. Carrie asks her if she isn't being a little childish. Carrie, she learned it from watching you!
PL's mom is offering Carrie more lemonade and cookies, and Carrie is all, "Yes please Mrs. Adams!" while lounging on the terrace and grabbing almost all the cookies from the plate. Who's acting childish now? Carrie tells us that PL's living with his parents wasn't so bad, because it was like having servants you didn't have to pay. Yeah, that's mature, Carrie. Mrs. Adams asks Carrie if she can stay for dinner, and Carrie is all, "Ah huh!" like she regressed back to kindergarten, and she wiggles on her lounge chair as PL reads a magazine.
Carrie tells us that rather than going through the bionic penis operation, Kyle opted to go to couple's counseling and got the name of a therapist from his Yale alumni book. The therapist tells them to make up non-threatening language to talk about sex, and tells them one client dubbed his anus the "chocolate starfish." Kyle looks pissed off and asks the therapist if he really did go to Yale. The therapist tells Charlotte to think of a name for her vagina that doesn't feel threatening. She comes up with "Rebecca" a little too quickly, like she had that name for her vagina before they went to counseling. Kyle looks aghast and asks her how she came up with that name. She tells him that she thinks it is a pretty name and has always liked that name. The doctor asks Kyle to come up with a name for his penis, but he doesn't want to. Charlotte tells the doctor that Kyle likes to sail, which Kyle admits that he loves to do, and she suggests "Canoe." Kyle decides that "Schooner" goes better with "Rebecca," and Charlotte is very pleased. The therapist thinks that is a great beginning, and he tells them that when they get home they should lie down together, not touching, and share a sexual fantasy.
At the house of chastity, Charlotte and Kyle are lying to each other in their bed, and Charlotte tells Kyle her fantasy about being a fairy princess in a forest, riding a unicorn, and Kyle being a pirate wearing buckskins but actually being a prince in disguise, and then she tells Kyle, "You pull me off my unicorn, you tear away my gossamer petticoats, and you put your 'Schooner' deep inside my 'Rebecca'!" Kyle looks disturbed by Charlotte's fantasy ["I don't blame him, frankly" -- Sars], and when she asks him to tell her his fantasy, he tells her that he is a respected surgeon and can't bring himself to do it. He then tells her that she has to accept the fact that he isn't a sexual person, but Charlotte tells him that "Rebecca" and "Schooner" need each other. Kyle apologizes and goes to sleep. He seemed to be a sexual person when they first started dating and were macking outside of her apartment all the time. And how about the time that Charlotte gave him a hand job? Wasn't that sexual? Either Kyle needs a new excuse, or the writers of this show need to learn about consistency.
Carrie tells us that she had her first sleepover with PL at her place, and we see them going at it on her bed when the phone rings and they let the answering machine pick it up. Mrs. Adams starts to leave a message about how she and her husband don't know whether their son gave the dog its medicine because he didn't tell them if he did it before he left, and if Carrie sees him would she tell him to call home. PL picks up the phone to tell his mom that he gave the dog its medicine. He then hands the phone to Carrie and tells her that his mom wants to talk to her. We have no idea what she wanted to talk about because that is how the scene ended. Now I'm wondering what Mrs. Adams would want to talk about. How frustrating!
Carrie tells us that Charlotte's sleep was interrupted by strange noises in the bathroom. Charlotte gets out of bed and walks over to the bathroom, where she hears grunting and groaning. She opens the door and stares in horror at Kyle jerking off over the sink, looking at a Juggs magazine. Honestly, all I could think of during this scene was how Kyle MacLachlan must have felt having to show his bare ass and simulate masturbation in front of everyone. I wonder how many takes it took to get it just right? Did he get any coaching on his technique, or did he practice on a hot banana or something? Inquiring minds want to know.
Charlotte and Kyle are back in counseling and Charlotte is all, "He told me he wasn't a sexual person!" and Kyle is all, "It wasn't sexual, it was tension release -- it helps me sleep!" The therapist asks Kyle what magazine he was using, and they both blurt out, "Juggs!" The therapist thinks this is a positive thing, because now he can establish the fact that Kyle isn't gay. Kyle and Charlotte both look relieved. Ha! Kyle tells the therapist that he doesn't know what the problem is, because it was just tension release with a magazine and it had nothing to do with his wife. Ouch! Charlotte looks hurt. The therapist thinks that the problem is that he needs to integrate his wife into his sexual routine. Kyle wonders how that could happen, and I'm wondering how twisted Kyle is that he has no idea how to put a real woman into his sexual routine. Carrie tells us that Charlotte wished they were thirteen again and sex didn't make things so complicated.
Miranda is at a board meeting talking to a group of men, and at the end of the table there are two men giggling to each other. She stops what she is saying and is all, "You think that I'm funny, gentlemen? You think that the fact that I have braces is hilarious? Well, let's just all take a moment and have a good laugh, shall we? Why don't we get it out of our systems so we can go back to work like adults?" One of the guys tells her they were laughing at a typo on one of their documents, and Miranda looks all sheepish. Carrie tells us that Miranda had her braces removed the day.
Carrie then tells us that Kyle realized his tension release could be a turn-on. We see Kyle going at it over the sink again, and as he flips a page of his magazine he sees Charlotte's face clipped from wedding pictures and pasted over the girls' faces in the magazine. Kyle looks a little stunned when he sees this, but then keeps pumping and grunting away. Charlotte is in bed reading, hears Kyle grunting, and smirks. Carrie tells us that Charlotte was happy to be a part of Kyle's sex life, and was able to find a way to use the wedding proofs she didn't plan on framing. Okay, that is just wrong. How could any woman be proud of herself for having her husband jerk off to her face on a porno chick's body? Maybe if Charlotte pastes pictures of porno chicks' bodies onto her body, Kyle could jerk off on her.
Jenny's party finally arrives, and there is a velvet rope on the sidewalk, and Samantha is checking names on a list and keeping the crowd of people on the sidewalk out. Jenny and her friends step out of a limousine, and everyone on the sidewalk starts screaming and squealing, trying to touch Jenny as she saunters past the velvet rope; Samantha smiles evilly.
Carrie is in PL's room looking at his record collection, telling him she can't believe that he still has vinyl, and probably wondering how she can steal all the vinyl to melt it down to make shoes, pants, and accessories out of it. PL starts playing "Hot Child in the City," and Carrie can't believe that he has such great music. PL asks her what would go great with the song, and Carrie is all, "Tube top and roller skates?" What Carrie wore on her last date? PL takes out a bag of "Canadian Supergrass. Six times stronger than pot and $400 an ounce." Carrie tells us it is obvious that he isn't really saving up for his own place. From a woman who spends $500 at the drop of a hat for a pair of shoes she will wear once, I don't think Carrie should be commenting on anyone's spending habits. PL takes out a bong he made from a soda bottle, and Carrie tells us the last time she smoked from a homemade bong, she was in eighth grade and her boyfriend made one out of his mother's Pepsi Light two-liter bottle, but she still remembered how to use it -- just like riding a bike. They should really be playing a Cheech and Chong album when smoking pot.
Carrie then tells us, "Back at the Bat Mitzvah bash, Samantha heard some girl talk not suitable for little ladies." The Mini-Fab Three start talking about how they are going to fuck the members of *NSync even if they are gay, and if they are gay they will fuck them and their gay boyfriends. Samantha goes over to them and asks them if they think they aren't a little young to talk that way, and then tells them to enjoy being a child until they are fifteen and are ready for sex. Jenny tells her she has been giving blow jobs since she was twelve, and one of the other girls tells Samantha it's the only way to get boys to like them. Samantha tells them that isn't true, and Jenny is all "Talk to the hand, grandma," and they walk away. Carrie tells us that Samantha had been resenting Jenny because of all the things she had, but then she realized that she had had something the rich girls couldn't buy, which was a childhood.
Carrie and PL are on the terrace, eating buckets of KFC wings and giggling. Carrie gets thirsty and takes out a hose and turns on the water, and they have a water/chicken wing fight. PL looks down from the terrace and sees his parents coming into the building. PL starts to freak and starts looking for the pot, and he tells her that his parents told him that if they catch him smoking pot in the apartment again, they are going to make him sleep in a cot in the comic book store. Carrie giggles to him that they are going to know they were smoking "the pot" because of all the buckets of chicken wings they have around the room. Mrs. Adams walks in and PL looks very guilty. She sniffs the air and asks if she smells marijuana. She finds the bag of pot, and PL tattles to his mom that Carrie brought it into the house. Mrs. Adams asks her if it's true, and Carrie tells her, "Yes Mrs. Adams, I brought the marijuana into the house. And I'm taking it with me when I go!" She takes the bag from Mrs. Adams and leaves, smiling at PL as she goes.
While "Hot Child in the City" is playing in the background, Carrie and Samantha and Miranda are at Carrie's house smoking and munching and laughing, and Carrie tells us, "Sometimes it is important to have a thirteen-year-old moment, to remember a simpler time when the best thing in life was hanging out, listening to records, and having fun with your friends. In your very own apartment." Yes, Carrie, sometimes it is. This is one generalization where I can agree with you.
week, Carrie talks to women about sex, a friend of Miranda's dies, and Charlotte is still trying to get Kyle's "Schooner" to visit "Rebecca."