CUAO goes AWOL

S03E14

Back in New York, Charlotte walks into Carrie's apartment with her mail. Charlotte spies a photo of the Fab Four. Carrie VOs that Charlotte missed "her sex life, and her single life." She decides to "run away from [her] problems" just like her husband is doing.

In L.A., there's a knock on Carrie's hotel room door. It's Charlotte, wailing, "I can't deal with Trey!" Carrie quips that a phone call would have been "more economical." Charlotte bursts into the room with her luggage, exclaiming, "I really missed you guys!" She complains that Kyle still can't get it up and won't even talk about it; thus she needs a vacation. Carrie assures Charlotte that she missed her also, then blows her off to go meet Vince for lunch. Charlotte walks onto the hotel room balcony and scopes out boys by the pool. Carrie VOs that "[Charlotte's] marriage seemed very far away."

Cut to Vince and Carrie spending their lunch date looking at Lorenzo Lamas's Hollywood Hills mansion. Vince wants to purchase it. Carrie, in an orange dress accessorized with her Electra Woman pendant, a goddamn big-ass orange flower at her neck, and sad-makingly ugly nude pumps, gets horny at the talk of Vince throwing his money around and being in the same league as the star of Renegade. She grinds her body against Vince on the side of Lorenzo Lamas's picture window and they start to do it. Cue the hose! Cue the Windex! Carrie blames her bold behavior on her Brazilian bikini wax, like the loss of pubic hairs is akin to the loss of reason, including the remembrance that in the very last episode she was blathering about needing to be alone to sort out her relationship problems on her own. Whatever. The real estate agent interrupts them to guide them over to Lorenzo's hot tub. Gratefully, the camera does not follow.

Back at the hotel, the Fab Four have moved their Seinfeld-ian shtick to a table in the hotel restaurant. Charlotte is ordering an omelette in a finicky, health-conscious way, and is indulged further by her crunchy-chewy granolian waitress. Charlotte declares that she "really likes L.A." Carrie stops rolling her eyes long enough to brag about Vince's potential new house. Samantha says that L.A. men have N.Y. men beat when it comes to real estate. Miranda brags about Lou, who's perfect now, being a "New Yorker at heart" who's lost his rage and thirty pounds. Carrie massively generalizes that the girls are supposed to be attracted to neurotic N.Y. guys, so what's going on. Samantha adjusts her ugly Louis Vuitton sun visor and says, "Oh honey, the Woody Allen thing is so over," which is lucky for her, because she'd have to lose about thirty years to catch his eye. Miranda brags about Lou meeting the Dalai Lama. Samantha brags about meeting Hugh Hefner. Carrie: "One woman's pornographer is another woman's spiritual leader." And then there are the women who meet famous men just to name-drop. Miranda thinks that Lou may be "on to something," so she's inspired to give up being so angry. Carrie wonders what she'll do with "all her free time." Samantha suggests shopping, and brings out her tacky gold fake Fendi bag for the gals perusal. They all shriek. Carrie points at the purse shouts, "No, you di-ent!" and wasn't a moratorium imposed on the gals not to try to speak jive anymore following the "Jungle Fever" episode? Can that be observed again? Charlotte thinks the purse looks like the real, $3K-priced thing. Carrie grabs the purse and sniffs it and paws over it like a drug addict holding a dime bag, praises its authenticity, then dumps all of the contents out onto the table to check out the lining. Samantha tells Carrie that she has the vendor's card; they can visit him in the Valley if she wants to purchase one of her own. Charlotte looks at all of the condoms Samantha had in her purse and expresses relief that her single days are over and she's in a monogamous married relationship. Carrie bites her tongue as she hears Charlotte lie about how happy she is sleeping with just Kyle. Charlotte's bragging chafes Samantha and Miranda enough that they suggest that Charlotte get a bikini wax just like Carrie's while she's in L.A.