Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll!

S03E15

Carrie tells us that Charlotte's sleep was interrupted by strange noises in the bathroom. Charlotte gets out of bed and walks over to the bathroom, where she hears grunting and groaning. She opens the door and stares in horror at Kyle jerking off over the sink, looking at a Juggs magazine. Honestly, all I could think of during this scene was how Kyle MacLachlan must have felt having to show his bare ass and simulate masturbation in front of everyone. I wonder how many takes it took to get it just right? Did he get any coaching on his technique, or did he practice on a hot banana or something? Inquiring minds want to know.

Charlotte and Kyle are back in counseling and Charlotte is all, "He told me he wasn't a sexual person!" and Kyle is all, "It wasn't sexual, it was tension release -- it helps me sleep!" The therapist asks Kyle what magazine he was using, and they both blurt out, "Juggs!" The therapist thinks this is a positive thing, because now he can establish the fact that Kyle isn't gay. Kyle and Charlotte both look relieved. Ha! Kyle tells the therapist that he doesn't know what the problem is, because it was just tension release with a magazine and it had nothing to do with his wife. Ouch! Charlotte looks hurt. The therapist thinks that the problem is that he needs to integrate his wife into his sexual routine. Kyle wonders how that could happen, and I'm wondering how twisted Kyle is that he has no idea how to put a real woman into his sexual routine. Carrie tells us that Charlotte wished they were thirteen again and sex didn't make things so complicated.

Miranda is at a board meeting talking to a group of men, and at the end of the table there are two men giggling to each other. She stops what she is saying and is all, "You think that I'm funny, gentlemen? You think that the fact that I have braces is hilarious? Well, let's just all take a moment and have a good laugh, shall we? Why don't we get it out of our systems so we can go back to work like adults?" One of the guys tells her they were laughing at a typo on one of their documents, and Miranda looks all sheepish. Carrie tells us that Miranda had her braces removed the day.

Carrie then tells us that Kyle realized his tension release could be a turn-on. We see Kyle going at it over the sink again, and as he flips a page of his magazine he sees Charlotte's face clipped from wedding pictures and pasted over the girls' faces in the magazine. Kyle looks a little stunned when he sees this, but then keeps pumping and grunting away. Charlotte is in bed reading, hears Kyle grunting, and smirks. Carrie tells us that Charlotte was happy to be a part of Kyle's sex life, and was able to find a way to use the wedding proofs she didn't plan on framing. Okay, that is just wrong. How could any woman be proud of herself for having her husband jerk off to her face on a porno chick's body? Maybe if Charlotte pastes pictures of porno chicks' bodies onto her body, Kyle could jerk off on her.