The show begins with Carrie VOing that she'd been in LA a week, and scored an appointment with "the city's premier [bikini] waxer to the stars." Because I guess she blew off any further script conferences with Warner Brothers about making a movie from her columns, and she had all this free time on her hands to spend in the city on the studio's dime. Uh-huh. Yeah. Whatever. We see Carrie lying down on her back while a woman who looks like the prison matron in a B-movie chicks-behind-bars flick barks at her in an inscrutable Eastern European accent. The woman rips some strips of wax off of Carrie's legs very quickly. I think we all know where this is going. The waxer proclaims her work "booteefull" and lets Carrie glimpse at it in a hand mirror. Carrie gapes.
Cut to the hotel pool. Carrie is bitching about getting "mugged" of her pubic hair. Samantha, on the chaise lounge to her, informs Carrie this is known as "a Brazilian wax," as if, as Rolymorp pointed out on the forums, a sophisticated New York female sex columnist would have absolutely no knowledge of this practice. ["Shit, I live between Mayberry and Petticoat Junction, and I know what a Brazilian wax is!" -- Nicole] Carrie complains about feeling like a "hairless dog." Oh my, that one's too easy -- PASS. Miranda, on the chaise in an incredibly ugly orange-and-yellow patterned bikini, says that the Brazilian is very popular in this city because "L.A. men are too lazy to go looking for anything." Carrie quips a complaint about not being able to "hide a light under a bush." Heh. Carrie adds that she's "very aware of down there now" and feels "like [she's] nothing but walking sex." Samantha warns Carrie, seemingly from her own personal experience, to be "very careful" until her pubes grow back, because the Brazilian can make her "do crazy things." This coming from a woman who's prompted to do crazy sexual things whenever the sun rises or a car horn honks or a take-out menu is slid under her door. Whatever. Miranda stands and picks up a big wicker appliquéd beach bag that's almost as hideous as her swimsuit, and tells the girls that she's going to leave to meet an old friend, "Letterman Lou." She explains that Lou doesn't work for Letterman anymore, but moved to L.A. to write for a sitcom that, from the gals dialogue, sounds suspiciously like Friends. Carrie and Miranda badmouth Friends for awhile for being a completely unrealistic take on Manhattan life, and the SATC writers need to just let their envy of the success of that show go already, don't you think? Miranda says that she's looking forwarding to savaging the L.A. lifestyle with Lou over a couple of drinks. I think we all know where this is going. Carrie tells Miranda that she and Samantha are going to a "movie premiere thing" that night, to which Carrie will be granted access because of her press pass. Uh-huh.
Then Miranda begins her subplot by walking into a restaurant called The Flowing Tree. Carrie VOs that she had difficulty finding "pale, chubby" Lou among all the "tan, fit, happy" Angelenos. Miranda finally spots a guy in shorts and a Knicks cap. He beams at her and tells her hello. Miranda is shocked because he's lost so much weight. She sits down at his table. He asks her to join him for a drink. She gets up to leave, because the "bleached teeth" of the restaurant's patrons are "blinding" her. But Lou wants them to stay there and have "green tea infusions." Lou confesses that he loves L.A. Miranda wonders where her fat friend who used to drink alcohol and "make fun of happy people" went. Lou says he's let go of his "toxic New York anger" and is one of the happy people now. Miranda takes all this in, obviously feeling out of place. Lou suggests that they go on "a hike." Miranda sports a WTF? look.
Movie premiere. Carrie strips the gears of her rented cobalt blue vintage Mustang convertible as she and Sam pull up in front of the red carpet at the after-party. Valets assist them out of the car. Samantha's wearing a baby-blue mini-dress, and I can't really make fun of any of her clothes in this episode because her classy/trashy style looks pretty appropriate in Hollywood. Carrie, on the other hand, is full-on tacky and trashy in white hot-pants, a white blouse tied at the waist over a gold lame tube top, gold lame boots, and a large gold lightening bolt pendant, an outfit that Electra Woman (or Dyna Girl?) might wear for a tennis match. Carrie walks up to a blonde girl with a clipboard and tries to get into the premiere party by flashing her New York newspaper pass. (I just laugh and laugh here, because I used to have a press pass, and trust me, it's not the license to attend any damn A-list event on a whim that Carrie's making it out to be.) The blonde, who played Jan -- to perfection -- in the Brady Bunch movies, tries to send Carrie over to the press tent. Carrie balks, and Samantha wails, "Don't you know who she is?" Jan asks them to at least show their stubs to prove that they went to the movie. Carrie smirks and reminds Jan, "No one goes to the movie!" This gets Carrie and Sam booted off the red carpet and onto the curb. HA! Samantha walks off in a huff to reclaim their car from the valet. Carrie VOs a whiny complaint about being "a Hollywood nobody standing in [her] proper place in a grease-stained parking lot." Once again, too easy -- NO COMMENT. Carrie lights up a ciggie.
Just then Vince Vaughn, in major beard stubble and a really ugly brown and blue striped '70s knit shirt, walks out of a side door while arguing on a cell phone. He bums a cigarette from Carrie, and praises her on her choice of tar content. Carrie vamps him by telling him that she smuggled the smokes into L.A. by taping them to her body. Whatever. Vince guesses that she's a New Yorker. He introduces himself as Keith, but we'll continue to call him Vince. He adds that he "represents Matt Damon," to which Carrie says, "Oh!" but we'll all just say "EW!" Carrie tells Vince that she's a writer. Vince tells Carrie she's too pretty to be a writer. Carrie beams and tells him that his lines are "too cheesy" for him to join her profession. As if her VO puns and quips aren't huge slabs of Roquefort. Whatever. Samantha huffs back to Carrie, bitching that it would take an hour to get their convertible from the valet. Vince invites them both into the party. Samantha and Carrie grin like the starfuckers they are.
The three walk into the crowded party. Carrie VOs that her "magic carpet ride" began. Vince thinks that the barring of Carrie from this glamorous event was a "total disconnect." Carrie asks for an interpretation. Vince explains that "disconnect" means "fuck-up." So I guess we can just write off these Hollywood SATC episodes as "total disconnects," then. Vince's cell phone rings. He tells her to go mingle while he answers it. Carrie meets up with Samantha and refers to Vince as "one tall drink of water." Yeah, dirty lukewarm tap water. But at least he's not Chris in the Morning, so I'll stop complaining. ["Amen, brother!" -- Nicole] Suddenly Samantha spies a celeb in the crowd and grabs Carrie and gasps. It's Hugh Hefner, sitting between two twin blondes in red sequined jumpsuits. Carrie VOs that "Samantha had worshipped Hugh Hefner ever since she was old enough to steal her father's Playboy magazines," a revelation that opens a provocative window onto Samantha's upbringing that's probably best left shut. Samantha practically runs straight over to Hef and introduces herself as a "huge fan." He asks her to join his party for a drink. She does. Samantha and Hef and the twins all titter while Samantha praises Hef's libidinous reputation effusively. So Hef got a cameo. Heh. It could have been worse -- weren't the gals at the Hustler store last week? Weren't we lucky to be spared a roll-on by Larry Flynt?
Cut to Vince asking Carrie out for lunch on Wednesday. He drops the name of a restaurant; she VOs that she'd been trying to get a table there for a week. She accepts his offer, of course. Then some extra comes up and tells Vince that there's a VIP room at the party. Vince asks Carrie if she's interested. Ten guesses as to what she replies. She bounds off with Vince, in starfucking ecstasy.
Meanwhile, back in New York, we're in the cheap hotel room that's supposed to be Kyle and Charlotte's glamorous Park Avenue apartment. Or is it just the set for an off-off-off Broadway production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? Anyway, Brick, er Kyle is taking off his tuxedo and praising Maggie the Cat, er, Charlotte's beauty; she was big hit at their first black-tie doctor's fund-raiser together. Charlotte calls him "doctor" and grabs his crotch while complaining about "an itch [she] was hoping he could help [her] out with [sic]." Kyle slips away from her grasp and Charlotte loses her composure. She tells him that it's time for them to "talk about some options -- like Viagra." Kyle throws a hissy and gives her a lecture about "heart problems" running in his family and how Viagra can increase the risk of heart attacks. Then he grabs his running shoes and bolts out of there, because Charlotte made him "tense." Carrie VOs that Trey was going running around bedtime a lot lately. Charlotte stands around in her elegant black evening gown and pouts. How will she sire Brick's heir and win Big Daddy's inheritance away from Goopah and Sister Woman? Maggie the Cat is ALIVE!
The day in L.A., Samantha is strutting down the sidewalk while carrying a lot of shopping bags and wearing a Humvee hubcap on her head as a chic, status-assuring chapeau. The show's producers must have known that the sight of Samantha's ugly, puzzling choice of headwear would knock us senseless, so they included a VO in which Carrie informs us that Sam was spending the day shopping. Suddenly, a guy with a foreign accent offers to sell her a Fendi handbag for $150. Samantha raises her eyebrow in piqued interest and appraises the goods in the man's trunk like she'd just been given an offer to join him for a tryst in his backseat.
Back in New York, Charlotte walks into Carrie's apartment with her mail. Charlotte spies a photo of the Fab Four. Carrie VOs that Charlotte missed "her sex life, and her single life." She decides to "run away from [her] problems" just like her husband is doing.
In L.A., there's a knock on Carrie's hotel room door. It's Charlotte, wailing, "I can't deal with Trey!" Carrie quips that a phone call would have been "more economical." Charlotte bursts into the room with her luggage, exclaiming, "I really missed you guys!" She complains that Kyle still can't get it up and won't even talk about it; thus she needs a vacation. Carrie assures Charlotte that she missed her also, then blows her off to go meet Vince for lunch. Charlotte walks onto the hotel room balcony and scopes out boys by the pool. Carrie VOs that "[Charlotte's] marriage seemed very far away."
Cut to Vince and Carrie spending their lunch date looking at Lorenzo Lamas's Hollywood Hills mansion. Vince wants to purchase it. Carrie, in an orange dress accessorized with her Electra Woman pendant, a goddamn big-ass orange flower at her neck, and sad-makingly ugly nude pumps, gets horny at the talk of Vince throwing his money around and being in the same league as the star of Renegade. She grinds her body against Vince on the side of Lorenzo Lamas's picture window and they start to do it. Cue the hose! Cue the Windex! Carrie blames her bold behavior on her Brazilian bikini wax, like the loss of pubic hairs is akin to the loss of reason, including the remembrance that in the very last episode she was blathering about needing to be alone to sort out her relationship problems on her own. Whatever. The real estate agent interrupts them to guide them over to Lorenzo's hot tub. Gratefully, the camera does not follow.
Back at the hotel, the Fab Four have moved their Seinfeld-ian shtick to a table in the hotel restaurant. Charlotte is ordering an omelette in a finicky, health-conscious way, and is indulged further by her crunchy-chewy granolian waitress. Charlotte declares that she "really likes L.A." Carrie stops rolling her eyes long enough to brag about Vince's potential new house. Samantha says that L.A. men have N.Y. men beat when it comes to real estate. Miranda brags about Lou, who's perfect now, being a "New Yorker at heart" who's lost his rage and thirty pounds. Carrie massively generalizes that the girls are supposed to be attracted to neurotic N.Y. guys, so what's going on. Samantha adjusts her ugly Louis Vuitton sun visor and says, "Oh honey, the Woody Allen thing is so over," which is lucky for her, because she'd have to lose about thirty years to catch his eye. Miranda brags about Lou meeting the Dalai Lama. Samantha brags about meeting Hugh Hefner. Carrie: "One woman's pornographer is another woman's spiritual leader." And then there are the women who meet famous men just to name-drop. Miranda thinks that Lou may be "on to something," so she's inspired to give up being so angry. Carrie wonders what she'll do with "all her free time." Samantha suggests shopping, and brings out her tacky gold fake Fendi bag for the gals perusal. They all shriek. Carrie points at the purse shouts, "No, you di-ent!" and wasn't a moratorium imposed on the gals not to try to speak jive anymore following the "Jungle Fever" episode? Can that be observed again? Charlotte thinks the purse looks like the real, $3K-priced thing. Carrie grabs the purse and sniffs it and paws over it like a drug addict holding a dime bag, praises its authenticity, then dumps all of the contents out onto the table to check out the lining. Samantha tells Carrie that she has the vendor's card; they can visit him in the Valley if she wants to purchase one of her own. Charlotte looks at all of the condoms Samantha had in her purse and expresses relief that her single days are over and she's in a monogamous married relationship. Carrie bites her tongue as she hears Charlotte lie about how happy she is sleeping with just Kyle. Charlotte's bragging chafes Samantha and Miranda enough that they suggest that Charlotte get a bikini wax just like Carrie's while she's in L.A.
Cut to Charlotte lying back with one leg in the air. A wax strip is torn off and she wails, "OW!" Kristin Davis looks down and does a completely hilarious double-take at her nether regions. Hee.
That night Carrie is walking around in just a man's shirt and her Dyna Girl pendant, smoking on her balcony, and realizing that she's loving L.A. She goes inside to product-place her laptop and query in VO about how L.A.'s "image conscious" mentality might just conquer her Manhattan mindset. (The hell? People aren't judged by how they look in Manhattan? What is Carrie smoking?) She types, "When it comes to bags, men and cities, is it really what's outside that counts?"
Then we're in the Valley, and Carrie and Samantha are walking down an alley towards the vendor's backyard. Samantha is wearing all orange, right down to her matching sunglasses. Carrie is wearing uncomfortable-looking hard denim hip-huggers and this A&F-looking blue-and-white Hawaiian print baby t-shirt with a scoop neck and -- get this -- huge lacy sleeves attached with pink ribbons. She's little ho peep. Carrie lights up a cigarette as the gals approach the vendor's trunk full of cheap counterfeit purses. Because, as Rotazaza and Sbeet pointed out on the forums, it's not like these women had access to vendors selling cheap designer knock-offs on sidewalks all over New York. Oh wait, they do. Carrie suddenly thinks that the purses look cheap ["as opposed to most of the outfits she usually wears?" -- Nicole], and decides in VO to hold out for a real purse. Samantha bitches about driving for over an hour to get to the Valley, as she and Carrie walk back to their car. They're suddenly startled by some Dobermans barking at them behind a chain-link fence. Because that's an experience they wouldn't get in New York, either. Oh wait, they can. Whatever! ["And they cost a hell of a lot less than $150!" -- Nicole]
The Fab Four are in evening clothes having cocktails at the hotel bar. Carrie's experience in the Valley inspired her to find comfort in as many tacky designer accessories she could find, including four ugly rings on her martini-holding hand that spell out D-I-O-R. And she's wearing a white fedora over her fried blonde hair in an effort to fit in in L.A. by resembling something out of Van Halen's "California Girls" video -- namely David Lee Roth. Samantha is still bitching about Carrie's capriciousness regarding the purses. Carrie wants to purchase a real Fendi, because then she'll know that it's "special and one-of-a-kind," because true specialness is only achieved by paying full retail price, I guess. Charlotte suddenly blurts out, "My marriage is a fake Fendi! Trey and I look like the perfect couple on the outside but on the inside it's all fake, it's not special. He can't even get it up!" She tells the gals they've never had sex. Miranda and Samantha freak. Carrie explains that Kyle has "emotional" impotency. Miranda busts on Charlotte and Carrie for keeping this secret from the others. Charlotte didn't want to be told "I told you so" for getting married so quickly. Miranda replies in a slow, even, effort-requiring monotone, "Charlotte, who am I to judge you? We all have our own paths in life." Carrie VOs that Lou had influenced Miranda to abandon sarcasm and rage. Samantha does a double-take at the new, Stepford-ized Miranda. Then she suggests that Charlotte lets Kyle "see Brazil." Charlotte looks uncomfortable; I don't think she told them about her bikini wax, although they know what went down. Then Samantha suggests a trip to the Playboy Mansion; Hef's invited them to attend a Playmate pool party and that might cheer Charlotte up. Miranda snaps back but quick into snippy, sarcastic mode: "Why would that cheer her up? Does she look like a twenty-two-year-old frat boy?" Samantha insists that they attend; the party is so "L.A." Carrie agrees, but only if she's definitely put on the guest list.
Cut to Vince's Hollywood mansion. The camera pans past the pool towards the hot tub, where he and Carrie are nuzzling. Carrie's suddenly all SanDeE* in L.A. Story, brainlessly stating, "I like hot tubs!" Vince uses the remote control to make the tub's jets spew water around as Carrie is inspired by her love of hot tubs to take off her bikini bottoms as she necks with him. Big, who? Chris in the Morning, who? Taking time off from relationships and sex for serious self-reflection, whassat?
Then we're at a chi-chi steakhouse, where Miranda is dining with Lou on N.Y. strip steaks. Miranda looks pretty smashing in a black Wilma gown, but Lou is wearing a polo shirt and his Knicks cap. As they dig into their steaks and Miranda bashes the popularity and inauthenticity of Friends some more, she can't help but notice that Lou isn't swallowing the meat. Actually, it's hard not to notice because he takes a bite, chews it in his mouth while he counts to five loudly, then spits it out into his napkin very obviously. Carrie VOs that Lou had found "an eating disorder" along with inner peace. Miranda calls him on his behavior. He completely goes off on her, harshing, "Miranda, don't put your toxic shit on me. This is fucking L.A." He explains that no one wants to hire a fat writer in Hollywood. Carrie VOs that Miranda wanted to rip the Knicks cap off Lou's head for spitting out such a great steak; hell, I'd rip that cap off his head for just wearing it inside at the restaurant. Anyway, Miranda's dumb subplot o' the week is over. Wheee!
Back at Vince's manse, Carrie and Vince are lying in bed the morning. He tells her, "I really like what you have going on down there," referring to her shorn pubes, I guess. She replies, "A whole lot of nothing?" which pretty much explains what she has going on "up there" also. They neck. Just then, Carrie Fisher stalks into view behind them and wails, "What the fuck do you think you're doing! I told you no prostitutes when you're house-sitting!" Vince confesses to Carrie that he's a personal assistant. Carrie Fisher fires him on the spot, and tells him that Penny will be informed also. Penny? I always suspected that Carrie Fisher and Penny Marshall were a couple. Carrie asks Vince if he'll be bringing prossies to "Ben's new three-million-dollar home" also. Carrie guesses that the Ben in question is Ben Affleck, but from the quality of the Hollywood cameos in this episode, I'm guessing that she means Ben Stein. Carrie takes the opportunity to try to convince Carrie Fisher that she's not a prostitute, but a famous New York columnist. She explains, "I'm Carrie, you're Carrie! I write, you write!" Carrie Fisher gapes in disbelief, but having read some of Carrie Fisher's hackneyed, sub-par tomes I'd have to admit that Carrie's right; they're both exactly the same type of writer. Carrie Fisher shows her the door anyway. Then we have a short moment where Vince tries to save his job with Carrie Fisher by telling her about the menial tasks he performed. I'm struck by how pleasurable this moment is, this respite from both Carrie's onscreen presence or omniscient VO.
Cut to the Playboy Mansion. The gals pull up in Carrie's rented convertible, as Charlotte is already making an "EW!" look at the Playmates on the front lawn frolicking around in bikinis and playing with Super Soakers and beach balls. Then we cut to the Fab Four strutting onto the scene. Miranda and Charlotte are in tasteful bikini tops and sarongs. Samantha's wearing a hot-pink and black zebra print bikini top and flared Lycra hip-huggers, and Carrie's in a black bikini covered by a see-through sequined caftan. They obviously made a pilgrimage to Frederick's of Hollywood before making their appearance at Hef's. Couldn't we see footage of that instead? Anyway, Carrie is still bitching about getting busted as a prostitute by Carrie Fisher. The gals encourage her to just blame everything on her Brazilian bikini wax. Carrie does. Then that '60s classic rock hit, "Magic Carpet Ride" starts blaring as Carrie and Miranda walk around the Playboy Mansion party, reminding me of a time about thirty-five years ago when this excursion would be considered risqué and topical. Miranda whines that she's not seeing any girls in satin bustiers and bunny ears. Carrie cracks up at the site of an old man in stars-and-stripes bikini briefs and his date in a cheetah thong. Because she always dresses so demurely and tastefully. Whatever.
Then we see Charlotte and some old player guy lounging on pillows by the pool, talking about the guy's David Hockney collection. Charlotte's gotten tipsy on three cocktails. The old guy praises Charlotte's intelligence and conversational skills. Charlotte realizes, "This is bad of me! Isn't this bad of me? Now I'm drunk and I'm lying here with a man I hardly know!" The Playmates around her should be taking notes on Charlotte's delivery of these lines, because for once on the Playboy Mansion grounds, these "golly gee I'm being nasty" lines are completely genuine. The old guy is so taken with Charlotte that he offers to buy her "some breasts." Charlotte freaks out, informs the guy that she doesn't need any breasts, and storms off in a rage. Good for her. Carrie VOs that Charlotte suddenly preferred her current married-life problems to the minefields of the dating scene.
Samantha comes running up to Charlotte in a tizzy, because her fake Fendi purse was stolen when she put it down beside her while she did God only knows what. Sam spies a blonde in a pink evening gown sporting the very same tacky gold purse. She runs up and tries to grab it from the woman. Hef appears in his robe and pajamas, wondering if there's "a problem here." Samantha tells him, "This bunny stole my bag." Samantha can prove its hers because of the fake lining. The bunny opens her purse to reveal the actual Fendi logo. Hef nods at a bouncer to have Samantha thrown out. Charlotte apologizes profusely for Sam's behavior. Samantha tells the bouncer she won't leave without her friends. Carrie VOs that the loss of Samantha's fake Fendi cost her "$150 for the bag, $2000 in stolen credit card charges, and unspecified costs to Samantha's ego." ["Why didn't she just have the credit cards canceled when she got back to the hotel? Some businesswoman." -- Sars]
Cut to the other side of the compound, where Carrie and Miranda walk though a rocky cave opening and right onto the set of Dream On. We see several women in a big hot tub, frolicking around topless. Carrie gapes. Miranda quips, "Look. Tit soup." BWA HA HA! Carrie realizes that it's "time to go home." Just then Samantha, Charlotte and the bouncer walk into the cave. Charlotte tells them they have to leave the party "right now."
Then the gals are strutting out of their hotel lobby as Carrie VOs that some of them "lost hair" while they all lost "a little dignity" during their visit to L.A. Samantha huffs past the camera as Carrie VOs that she longed for "the crime-free streets of Manhattan." Miranda walks by looking pretty hot in black slacks and a black tube top; Carrie VOs that she wanted to get back to "men who swallowed." Charlotte lopes past in an orange dress while Carrie VOs that she missed Kyle. Then Carrie wheels her luggage behind them with a cigarette in her mouth and is accosted by a waiter who reminds her the hotel lobby is non-smoking. Carrie growls at him, "We're going! We're going!" Heh.
Cut to Carrie entering her Bachelorette Pad back in New York. We get to see a full view of the god-awful outfit she has on: gold strappy high heels, a purple pantsuit-ish ensemble of sleeveless v-necked shirt and pedal-pushers, a blue necklace sheath that looks like a big slice of moldy cheese, an even huger gold medallion hanging down to her navel, and a hideous glittery silver and pink fanny pack. If her black-rooted blonde hair were straighter and she were wearing some hip padding, she'd be a dead ringer for Jerri Blank on Strangers with Candy. ["Right now the costume department for Fox is wondering who went into the room that had all of Peg Bundy's outfits from Married with Children and brought some over to the SATC set." -- Nicole] Carrie wheels her luggage inside, leans against a wall, and lights up a ciggie as she VOs that it was wonderful to be back in her apartment "because inside it was all real." And then she scratches her crotch and assures us that her pubic hair will grow back "eventually," as if we didn't need another unpleasant visual on top of that yenta outfit.
week: Everyone regresses to adolescence! All together now -- how can you tell? Carrie dates a guy who still lives with his parents, Miranda gets braces, Samantha…pretty much stays the same, I guess, and Charlotte catches Kyle masturbating in the bathroom with a copy of Juggs magazine. Hopefully, she'll slam him against the lockers and wail, "What about penile dysfunction, Blaine? What about PENILE DYSFUNCTION?"