In lieu of continuing to make fun of the usual title sequence featuring the unflatteringly costumed, garishly made-up, and harshly photographed Sarah Jessica Parker (who's the show's producer, so what gives?) this week, I'll use this space to wish my fellow recapper Nicole a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Rock on, girlfriend.
We begin the show with Carrie's voice-over. This week she's not continuing to brag about being a sophisticated, worldly Manhattanite, but is crowing instead about being in a relationship that's so wonderful she's "comfortable enough to leave it for an evening." Carrie is necking with Cuckold in the Morning at his apartment. They claim their respective tongues for a moment to discuss Carrie's big night out with the Fab Foursome. CIM wonders what the "gals" talk about when they're together. Do they talk about "the boys"? Carrie confesses that they do. CIM says that such talk is "men's greatest fear." Carrie always thought that fear was "hair loss." CIM says he has no such problem, and shakes the dandruff out of the fifty-seven remaining hairs on his head in front of Carrie's face to prove it. Carrie strokes his ego and assures him that he certainly doesn't suffer from hair loss. Carrie kisses him goodnight and this scene, establishing that the lies are flying right and left out of Carrie's mouth when she's around Cuckold of the Morning lately, is over.
This weird, doot-doot-doot synthesizer keyboard "porn actors stripping down before the action" music follows Carrie out onto the street. She's walking along in grey chinos cinched with a skinny black belt, a white bedazzled jeans jacket with too-short sleeves, and a tank top with a blue sky and clouds pattern and ripped red fabric tufts bolted to it at the neck, making me think that Carrie made it out of something that CIM was in the middle of re-upholstering. Carrie VOs more boasts about her "luck" and her "amazing boyfriend with a full head of hair" (snicker) when suddenly she gets a "D'OH!" look on her face and shudders all actressy in the middle of the street while clutching her head, and the sound suddenly goes to a loud, amplified heartbeat while we see short snippets of her hotel room tryst with Big the week before. What's with the heartbeat? Did she kill him afterwards and put him under the floorboards like in that Poe short story? I'm waiting for Carrie to VO something about "The Telltale Hard-On."
Cut to Samantha's loft. Carrie is drinking champagne with the girls and praising Sam's new digs. The other Foursome members are all glammed up, especially compared to Carrie in that truly ugly tie-dyed ripped-up layered tank top and chinos. We hear more praise about the fabulousness of the Meatpacking District, and I'm wondering who at this show got a great deal on a new apartment by putting all these plugs in the recent episodes. Samantha serves the girls some "baby quiche" -- hopefully not made from real babies -- and brags that she had the food and the wine and the DVD they'll be watching later all delivered from this great new service. She even got condoms delivered the night before. Miranda wonders if Samantha fucked the deliveryman. Samantha seems a little bit miffed that the idea would pop into Miranda's head, although I don't think it's too ludicrous too imagine that when it comes to deliveries at Samantha's loft, if the Webvan's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'. She tells them she screwed a hot guy from her gym instead, and the "condoms came a lot faster than he did." Samantha thinks the Foursome should celebrate, because they truly "have it all -- great apartments, great jobs, great friends, great sex." Charlotte pees on Samantha's parade a bit by dissenting; she thinks that "having it all means having someone to share it with." Samantha calls Charlotte "Barney," although the correct pop culture source of Charlotte's kitschy statement is that great Bad Movie We Love Mahogany, in which the Diana Ross character discovers that "Success is nothing without someone in your life to share it with." Charlotte starts to blather about how marrying Kyle is making her life "complete" and starts to praise her great new mother-in-law also, but Samantha ignores her, opens up her window and screams, "You see us, Manhattan? WE HAVE IT ALL!" One of those "true" New Yorkers that Carrie is always VOing about replies, "Fuck you!" Samantha hollers back, "You're !" er, "You wish!" She takes a swig of champagne from the bottle as the rest of the Fab Foursome titters behind her.
Then we cut to three hours later. The girls have all watched An Affair to Remember (get it?), Charlotte and Miranda have left, and Carrie is standing around like a lazy ass watching Samantha clean up. Carrie tells Samantha about her encounter with Big. Samantha freaks about "the affair." Carrie insists she's not having an affair. Word. It's having her. She makes Samantha promise not to tell the others. Samantha agrees. Then Carrie whines about how "awful" she was for cheating on Cuckold in the Morning. Samantha thinks what Carrie did was okay, because "men have been doing it for centuries." Because I guess Samantha thinks if it's good for that gender, it's good for the goose. Whatever. I don't have enough time or space here to argue against her ethics or lack thereof, believe me. Samantha wonders if the sex with Big was "good." Carrie has more snippet flashbacks of her hot monkey sex with Big accompanied by the thundering heartbeats. Carrie: "It was great. It's not happening again." Samantha tries to wipe the "Yeah, right" look off her face and tells Carrie, "Got it." Then Samantha shoves Carrie's ass out of the way so she can load the dishwasher, and Carrie whines some more about how she betrayed CIM. Samantha tells her not to beat herself up, since CIM hasn't said "I love you" yet; in Samantha's morally skewed world, Carrie's still "a free agent." Carrie almost begs Samantha to "judge" her, "just a little." Samantha winks and says, "Not my style." Aw. But then again, I think Carrie came to Samantha instead of the others because she knew she could count on her to be non-judgmental and tell her what she wanted to hear.
Then we're at CIM's apartment. There's a knock at the door, so CIM wraps a bedsheet around himself so he's covered from neck to toe, and answers it. Oh, so NOW he's modest? Been reading our forums and recaps much? It's Carrie at the door. She jumps him and tells him effusively how much she missed him. Not suspicious, "overcompensating because she's having an affair behind his back" behavior at all, oh no.
The morning, CIM has a chair loaded in back of his truck and Carrie's begging him not to drive to Pennsylvania to deliver it. The hell? Doesn't he own his furniture store? Doesn't he have employees who do deliveries for him, since he's oh, say the boss and all? Anyway, Carrie continues to be all suspiciously clingy, and all I notice is that ugly cloud tank top with the red ripped fabric she's still wearing, and the even uglier brown-leaf pattern shirt that CIM has on that looks like it was made from the upholstery of an Early American colonial print den chair. CIM climbs into his truck and tells Carrie to "be good." Yeah, you better mind your master, Booth Bitch. Whatever. Then we have a long shot of CIM driving off into the sunset. Unfortunately, I think he's coming back.
We cut to Samantha's loft. Carrie VOs that Samantha woke up with the flu. Samantha gets up to close her curtains but the curtain rod falls down. She curses. Then we see her on the phone, trying to get one of her tricks to come over to take care of her. He turns out to be a fair-weather fuck. She crawls back into bed.
Cut to the bridal registry department at Bergdorf-Goodman, where Kyle, in full Brooks Brothers, and Charlotte, in this nude-colored (?!?) tube top and matching headband (?!?), are choosing china. Carrie VOs that Charlotte "wanted it all -- and more." She's picked out a dish pattern that costs $1,300. Kyle complains about having to eat Ramen Noodles off of it, since he still has med school loans. The hell? I thought he was rich. Charlotte frowns at him, so I'm guessing she's thinking the exact same thing. Or maybe she's just pouting to manipulate him. Regardless, Kyle offers to get the dishes if she'll stop making "that face." He reasons that he's "too crazy about you to say no." Who's manipulating whom, here? Her guilt trip is as creepy as his enabling her although she's being unreasonable. Maybe they are made for each other after all. They kiss. She asks him for the guest list he wrote down for their engagement party. He hands it to her, along with a legal document. She wonders what it is. He tells her it's a standard pre-nuptial agreement; she should "feel free to have [her] lawyer look it over." He goes off to perform an angioplasty. Charlotte gapes.
The Fab Threesome at a Samantha-less lunch. Miranda is leafing through the pre-nup pages. She tells Charlotte that it's "normal." Charlotte freaks because the document hints at -- gasp! -- "divorce." She thinks marriage is supposed to be about "love and happiness." Miranda thinks assets need to be protected. Charlotte calls her "unromantic." Miranda tells her that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Charlotte goes ballistic upon hearing the D word again. Miranda says that she'd never get married without a pre-nup. Carrie says, "I'm safe. What's he going to take from me, shoes? Wait a minute -- maybe I do need one," which was pretty funny. Then Miranda cuts in to tell Charlotte about some "unusual" aspects to her pre-nup. She only gets a percentage of $500,000 depending upon the length of the marriage, capping at thirty years. She also gets an extra $100,000 for each son she sires. Carrie asks about girls. Miranda sees no mention of girls. Carrie thinks this is "bad business." Word -- is Charlotte marrying into a feudal lordship? Do the MacDougals leave little girl babies to die on hillsides, like in China? Charlotte freaks out some more. Miranda assures her that the document is just an "opening bid" and Charlotte should "negotiate." Then a guy (played by Josh Hamilton, who's the poor man's Jonathan Silverman, who's the poor man's Jon Cryer, who's the poor man's Matthew Broderick) in a suit comes over and tells Miranda that he's impressed that she's "working over lunch." Turns out he's a lawyer from the Chicago office of her firm. They're going to have dinner during his stay in New York. He leaves. Carrie thinks he's cute. Charlotte tells Miranda to "find out how much he pays for boys" before getting too involved with him. Heh.
Cut to Samantha's apartment. She's all snot-nosed and greasy-haired and bitching into the phone to yet another guy who won't come over to fix her curtains. Whatever. Why aren't her friends coming over to help her? The hell?
Carrie VOs about her need for "a fix." We see her clad in this green camisole tap-pant-looking thing, busy in her Bachelorette Pad, organizing her copious collection of designer pumps. She suddenly goes all Redd Foxx and grimaces into a thundering heart-beat attack in which she's ravaged by Mr. Big in flashback all over again. She snaps out of it, and we see her locating her lone pair of normal-looking shoes, a pair of sneakers in which she's hidden an emergency pack of cigarettes. She lights up and VOs that she's been thinking that nowadays "women can be anything they want -- an astronaut, the head of an Internet company, a stay-at-home mom." Carrie conveniently leaves out the women who've become two-timing hos like herself. She concludes, "There are no rules anymore. The choices are endless, and can be delivered right to your door. But have we become so spoiled by choices that we're unable to make one?" She bites her lip, product-places her Apple laptop, and types this week's thesis quandary, "Can we have it all?" I'd say "No" to that one, especially since there are things that no one should even desire in the first place, like those UGLY personalized tourist-trap souvenir hoop earrings that she's wearing in this scene. God, they're tacky! Does she wear this personalized jewelry to avoid the embarrassment of one-night stands forgetting her name the morning? Lose them, Carrie!
Then we cut to "two hours later." Carrie VOs that she had "filed away every column [she'd] ever written," and I instinctively scan her apartment for an overflowing trash can. We spot Carrie curled in a fetal position on her bed. She wasn't able to "file away what had happened with Big" so she decides to call him. What, she wasn't able to file it away under P for "Played"? 'Cause that's what she was. So this masochistic idiot drama queen gets Big on the phone. He greets her from his moving limousine. She tells him they need to "talk about what happened" between them. He concedes that she's "the boss," although we all know better. She says that their tryst was merely "physical" and "it can't happen again" because he's married. Big says he knows that, and smarms, "But c'mon, it was pretty fucking amazing, wasn't it?" Carrie tells him they need "to rise above the physical stuff," as if she's ever spent any time on the high road. Big asks her, incredulously, "You can learn to do that?"
Cut to Big and Carrie having a post-coital discussion in her bed. Big tells her that "the time" they will tryst in a hotel, because he can smell Cuckold in the Morning on Carrie's sheets. The hell? She spent all day cleaning and forgot to make her bed? But this is worth it, because Big slams CIM but good for smelling like "wood chips and Paco Rabanne." Carrie takes a drag of her ciggie and tells Big that CIM "doesn't wear cologne." Big quips back, "Maybe he should." BWA HA HA! BURN!! Nicole and I agreed, on the Not! Line after this ep, that if we ever need a pinch hit recapper Mr. Big is our first choice. Suddenly Carrie grows back a little bit of spine and tells Big that she's not going to sleep with him again; she's going to chalk the encounter up as "the Bridges of Madison Avenue," i.e. "a very brief affair [she'll] write about in sappy letters to [her] grandchildren." Big says, "Can I have a beard? I've always wanted a beard," a line that made me titter because I immediately had the ugly thought that these might be the exact words that Matthew Broderick said when he proposed to SJP. Carrie grants Big "a goatee" and macks with him while VOing that she was "the moth to an old flame."
Then we see Miranda and Josh saying goodnight in her hallway after their date. He has to leave early to catch his plane back to Chicago. They start necking, and Josh tells her he would have tried to have sex with her if he had the time. Miranda confesses that had she been "drunk enough" she would have "let" him. Hey, classy! He says that he'll call her the night.
Cut to the night. Oh man, this storyline is tedious. We see a montage of Miranda on her cell phone while having a two-hour conversation with Josh. Then when she's putting moisturizer on her shins, Josh asks her to tell him "what [she's] wearing." Is this really time-effective? If Josh wanted to join the pervert big leagues, he'd just call a stranger and ask that right away. But Miranda thinks this is really sexy, and she starts to vamp him while he describes how he'd ravage her. Carrie VOs that Miranda and Josh started phoning and "coming for the phone" regularly, and thus "had it all." Whatever.
Then Carrie is finally taking the sheets off her bed. She confesses that she'd slept in Big's and her "sex sheets" for two days. EWWWW!!! And since Big could smell CIM on those sheets, I guess his funkiness was mixed in there also. EEEEEWWWWW!!!!! There's a knock at the door, and Carrie runs to get it. She's wearing a red bra and some white knee-length overalls with a loud green circle pattern, and rainbow-strapped pumps. Yeah, she wears stiletto heels with her coveralls while just lounging around the house. No wonder her hardwood floors needed refinishing last week. It's CIM at the door. She beams and lets him and Humpy the dog into her apartment. She wonders in VO if he can smell Big on her. I guess he can't, because he's confessing that he thought about her on his road trip, and realized that he loves her. She looks stricken. He wonders if his statement was "too much." She placates him by telling him that she loves him too. He picks her up and carries her to the mattress so they can do it while Humpy watches. She whines that there aren't any sheets. CIM says he doesn't care. Of course he doesn't; this guy doesn't even take off his jewelry or his socks.
Then we see Miranda in bed under her covers, having phone sex with Josh. She's about to orgasm when call waiting alerts her to pick up the other line. It's Charlotte, freaking about her pre-nup. Kyle's mother has refused to "negotiate." Miranda shouts at her to "hold on." She beeps back to Josh and goes all Scary Mommy by reminding him, "Your dick is in my mouth. Keep it there!" She beeps back to Charlotte and advises her to "go up against" Kyle's mother, because she "holds all of the cards." Charlotte has no idea how to do this. Miranda screams at her that it's "not a good time" to discuss this. She beeps back to Josh. He's already ejaculated, but stays on the phone to "take care of" Miranda. "AT&T meets TMI" just about sums this whole pathetic storyline up.
Cut to Samantha's apartment, where one of her friends has finally decided to check up on her and help her out. Surprisingly, it's Carrie. She's blending together Sam's "cure-all childhood remedy: cough syrup and Fanta orange soda over ice." Carrie makes a stink-face while concocting this and says that it's about to make her "sicker" than Samantha. Word. Samantha, who looks like hell with unwashed hair and no makeup, wails at Carrie to stop bitching about the noxious drink and just give it to her. She does, then puffs away on a cigarette in Samantha's face, which I wouldn't want any friend of mine doing if I had the flu. Then Callous Carrie spots the fallen curtain rod and tells Samantha to ask her super to fix it, instead of say, GETTING OFF HER ASS to fix it for Samantha or CALLING CIM to come over to perform his perfect guy handyman magic on the problem. Whatever. Samantha bitches that she doesn't have a super, and starts to bawl that she "should have gotten married," because then she'd have "a curtain that closes." Carrie pets Samantha's hair while Sam weeps and says that without "a guy who cares about you, life doesn't mean shit." Then she blows snot all over Carrie's ugly chain-patterned beige shirt. Hee! Carrie VOs that three days of the flu had turned Samantha into "a whole new woman -- Charlotte." Hee! Samantha does a bit of male-bashing, then works up into a caterwaul that's capped with her realization that "we're all alone." Carrie comforts her by reminding Samantha that they "have each other." Aw.
Then we're at Charlotte and Kyle's engagement party. Samantha has gotten better and looks smashing in a curled 'do and a red variation on Marilyn Monroe's Seven-Year Itch dress. Miranda's had some of the Ronald McDonald tones taken out of her hair so it's a more flattering brunette shade, and looks all right in a purple slip number. Carrie definitely takes worst-dressed and tressed in a strapless unflattering pale yellow frock and -- oh my god -- that "braided Danishes on the sides of the head" Princess Leia hairdo, except it's all pushed up and back on the right side like she fell asleep against the bus window on the ride to the fete. Don't ask me why she's sporting this Leia hair in this scene, when it would have been far more appropriate in her clingy desperate moment earlier where she was pleading with CIM, "Help me, Obi Wan Cuckold in the Morning -- you're my only hope! Don't leave New York to deliver furniture!" The gals make digs at the uptight, preppy crowd and bitch that only cocktails are being served without any buffet. Charlotte and Kyle walk over to greet them, then the whole group is accosted by Bunny, Kyle's mother, in a pale pink Chanel suit, hairbow, pearls, and most likely her cups, because she drunkenly starts blathering about keeping guests out of the maid's room and keeping the family priest away from the Scotch. Kyle introduces the gals to his mother. She says hello, then leads Kyle away like the pathetic mama's boy he's turning out to be. Charlotte confesses to her friends that she still hasn't signed the pre-nup and is having doubts about the wedding. Miranda wonders what Kyle has said. Charlotte says that he "leaves this stuff to his mother." Samantha tells Charlotte that she could definitely take Bunny down. Samantha is kicking ass in this episode, even though she was bed-ridden and ill for half of it. Charlotte asks her friends what she should do. The gals tell her that they can't make up Charlotte's mind for her. Carrie makes it all about her in a VO by saying that she couldn't advise about marriage, "especially since [she] was possibly in the process of breaking one up." She tells Charlotte to decide "how much [she] wants to marry Trey."
Cut to the dining room. It's empty except for Bunny, who seems to be visiting her own personal, private wet bar. Charlotte enters and asks for a moment. She looks stunning, by the way, in a blue diaphanous toga-like dress that ties at the waist. Charlotte tells Bunny that she hasn't signed the pre-nup because she has "a problem with how much [she's] worth." Bunny tells her that the document is "how it's always been done" in the MacDougal family. Carrie VOs that Charlotte realized at that moment that she'd have to play hardball. Suddenly Charlotte's spine grows three feet and she tells Bunny that if she called off the engagement now, Kyle would be upset, and there would be questions since the announcement had already run in The New York Times. Bunny grits her teeth and asks Charlotte what she wants. Charlotte: "I'm worth a million." And she truly is. And then some.
Then we see Charlotte racing up to the rest of the Foursome with the news that she received all of her demands and signed the pre-nup. She beams and announces that she's officially getting married. Kyle comes by to "sweep [his] bride away." Carrie VOs that the other three "realized that [they] didn't have it all. Because [they] didn't have Charlotte." Sniffle.
Cut to the sidewalk. Miranda, Samantha, and Carrie are loping forlornly home as Carrie VOs, "And then there were three." Samantha "can't believe" that Charlotte's going to marry Kyle. Miranda: "And for about a tenth of what she's worth." WORD. Carrie wonders what became of "pro-marriage" Samantha. Sam writes it all off to flu-induced delirium. Miranda admits that she feels "weird" without Charlotte around. Samantha: "That's such a Charlotte thing to say." The camera swoops up for a crane shot of the three ladies walking along Charlotte-less. Sob. I miss her already, too.
The morning, CIM and Humpy are at Carrie's apartment, lounging about. CIM and Carrie are lying on their bellies on her bed, so we get a great shot of CIM's full, thick head of hair and the dark roots that Carrie probably paid some salon a fortune to get put into her pretty blonde tresses. The phone rings. It's Big. He's stalking her and needs to see her right NOW. He's downstairs. Carrie lies, about as well as Sue at a tribal council on Survivor, that it was Miranda on the phone and she needs to walk Humpy the dog right that minute.
We're outside Carrie's building, where Big is standing around in a garish green leaf-patterned shirt, chinos, and sandals. Carrie, wearing a translucent short-sleeved peasant blouse over a hot-pink bra, her seventh-grade gym shorts, and red mules, walks out the door with Humpy on a leash. But it's Big she commands to "Heel!" as she leads him away from her apartment building. Carrie, quite hypocritically, harshes on Big for wanting to sleep with her while keeping a significant other on the side. Big: "That's bullshit. I just want you. I can't sleep with two people at the same time. I'm going to tell her tonight." Carrie goes apoplectic because Big's decision will affect her relationship with CIM, who loves her. She tells him that he "can't just come back into [her] life and fuck it all up." Because Carrie has no free will or knowledge of the concept of personal responsibility, I guess. Big yells at her that "two people were doing the fucking." Carrie's actressy fit has caused her to wave her arms around and drop Humpy's leash. She realizes that he's run away, although I was surprised that she didn't look down and see Humpy romancing one of her bare legs. Carrie goes running after Humpy down the sidewalk in full sprint and those uncomfortable-looking red high heels, and suddenly we're watching an Easy Spirit pumps commercial. Big runs after her, but most of the ensuing footage is of SJP's cropped legs and then a long shot of SJP in full jiggle and stride up the sidewalk, and SJP suddenly has nothing on Tori Spelling and Jennifer Love Hewitt when it comes to vanity productions. Carrie stops, smacks her forehead and bellows, "Shit!" because she realizes she's lost Humpy. Big wants to stay and help her find the dog. She wails at him to go home.
Over at Miranda's place, she's in bed holding the phone in one hand while her other hand is under the covers. Josh is whispering salacious things to her, then leaves to answer his other line. When he comes back to Miranda, he starts telling her how hard he's "thrusting." Miranda gets upset because he was still working on figuratively touching her breasts and hadn't figuratively penetrated her yet. She realizes that he's a phone slut and was two-timing her with another caller or hell, even a whole party line. She hangs up on him and Carrie VOs that she also stopped being "hung up" on him. Damn, that was a dumb subplot.
It's started raining, and SJP has decided we should see a camera shot that slowly appraises her body from toe to head like a roué as she walks towards the camera in sopping wet clothes, so we can check out her legs and the soaked transparent peasant blouse action, I guess. Oh-kay. She's also managing to carry off the difficult feat of smoking a cigarette in this downpour while she VOs how awful her life has become, since she now has "two great guys" in love with her. Oh, boo hoo. I guess Carrie's completely forgotten about looking for the dog. She VOs, "I didn't feel like I had it all. I felt like nothing." Actually, since her visible nipples are thisclose to poking each and every viewer's eyes out, I'd say she was feeling a chill at that moment.
Carrie enters her apartment while she VOs that she decided to "come clean" with Cuckold in the Morning. He greets her and says he was worried about her. They embrace. Humpy pads into the room. Carrie is overjoyed, and explains to CIM that she thought she had lost him. CIM puts a towel around her. She cries. CIM tells her to "take it easy" because "dogs run away." He kisses her. Carrie VOs that she had returned to CIM, just like Humpy the dog. Then CIM rolls up a newspaper and starts to scold his Booth Bitch by saying, "I need to ask you something. I don't want to be paranoid here, okay, but you took Pete for a walk and we both know you're not big on the dog-walking. Now, I can smell something." Carrie sits down and prepares for a scene. CIM asks if she's been "cheating." SJP does Molly Ringwald proud with some championship lip-biting. But -- get this! -- it's cigarette smoke that CIM smells on Carrie. She confesses that she's smoking again. He asks her if she's serious about quitting smoking or not. She says that she "wants to." The camera pans out her apartment window into the rain as the porno synthesizer music starts droning on again.
week: Carrie confesses her Big secret to another one of her friends, and no doubt gets read the Miranda warning. Charlotte goes shopping for a wedding dress with a witty gay confidante, who -- shame! -- is not Stanford. Samantha gets an HIV test. Good for her. At least, I hope the results turn out well for her. And it looks like Carrie's sporting more Leia hair, this time from The Empire Strikes Back.