There are only so many ways to describe SJP in the credits, so I'm just going to give up. Y'all have seen it. Y'all know who is on the show. Let's move on.
So the show starts off with Miranda saying goodbye to some random cat that has appeared on her bed, and Carrie tells us in a VO about ending relationships but still having to live together until one gets a new place to live. Miranda walks into the room where Steve is sleeping on the couch with the puppy, and keeps whispering SSHHHH at the puppy until the puppy gets annoyed at Miranda for waking him up and starts whining, which wakes up Steve. They do the uncomfortable small-talk thing, which Carrie calls the "avoid each other break-up dance" and she tells us that Steve and Miranda have been doing the dance for the past three weeks. Steve apologizes for taking so long to find a new place to live, and he asks Miranda to look at an apartment with him. She agrees to go with him.
Carrie tells us it is opening day at the New Designers Showcase. Yippie Skippy! Carrie and CIM are moving a desk into a booth, and Carrie is wearing a see-through thin white blouse with ruffles around the buttons and collar, and hot pink bra. That's a perfect outfit to be moving furniture in, don't you think? Carrie tells CIM she is his roadie, and CIM tells her he has no road, only a booth, "so at best you're my booth bitch!" Uh, I didn't realize musicians had to have roads in order to have roadies. I guess I was wrong. Carrie seems to understand what in the hell CIM is talking about, though, and she is all, "Yeah, I'm your booth bitch!" and then CIM starts snuggling up to her and says, "Meow!" "Meow"? WTF?!! I think these two are like those twins that make up their own language that only they can understand. So Carrie starts waxing the desk with her ass, and they start kissing. Of course, kissing Carrie reminds CIM that he needs a cup of coffee, so he leaves to get them some.
Carrie watches him walk away and then looks around and sees Big and Natasha. She hides behind the desk while Big checks out the desk and Natasha tells him how ugly she thinks the desk is. Big notices Carrie behind the desk, so she stands up and explains to them that she's there because it's her boyfriend's booth, so she's serving as his booth bitch. Natasha looks justifiably horrified, so Carrie asks them if they would like to look at a catalog. Natasha tells her that CIM's furniture isn't their style, and Big, with a big bored look on his face, tells Carrie that they only like "teeny tiny furniture." Because there isn't enough tension in the air, CIM arrives with the coffee, and Big looks dumbfounded. Carrie tells Big and Natasha, "This is my big Seattle grunge wannabe boyfriend. Don't piss me off, or I'll have him sit on you and tell you to 'go with the flow' and have his dog hump you." Well, sort of. CIM asks them what their names are, and Carrie introduces him to Natasha, then "accidentally" spills coffee on Big so that she can get out of telling CIM who he is. ["Or so the writers can get out of revealing his name." -- Sars] That Carrie, so suave. I can't believe she's still single! Natasha takes Big away to clean up the coffee stain on his groin. CIM asks Carrie how she knows them, and she tells him she knew them in a past life. They hug. What a perfect couple, with the exception of the fact that Carrie has past relationship issues she refuses to come to terms with, and that CIM is a big hippie goon.
Carrie VOs that two hours later was the opening day party, and the alcohol was flowing. Big stumbles back to the Booth of Bitches all drunk. He asks Carrie where Paul Bunyan is, and she tells him CIM is doing business. Now we get a good look at the pants that Carrie has on, gray knickers with red handkerchiefs hanging off the sides. What a great ensemble to do business in -- if your business is recruiting clowns and hack magicians. I guess Big is too drunk to notice the bizarre outfit, and tells Carrie as he sits on the desk, "Oooh, he's a big un'. Where'd he learn to whittle like that?" Bwah! All hail the return of Big! Carrie asks him how much he has had to drink, and Big tells her, "Not nearly enough!" as he chugs the rest of his glass of scotch and slams the wet glass down on the desk. Carrie picks up the glass and wipes the water off with her hand. You know, there are still going to be water droplets on the desk -- maybe she should have used one of those handy handkerchiefs hanging off her pants. Big asks Carrie if Daniel Boone is a nice guy, and Carrie pointedly asks Big where his wife is. Carrie just can't keep up with the witty cracks. He tells her Natasha is at a silent auction for a beige chair. He tells her that everything in his apartment is now beige, and that "beige is bullshit." Now, see, I thought bullshit would be a deeper brown, not the light hues beige tends to come in. Carrie says, "I thought you wanted beige." No, I think he was looking for vanilla. Big asks her for a smoke, and she tells him she quit. Big decides to tell her a secret. He has a program rolled up and yells into the "horn," "It's not working. I'm getting out." And then he leans in and says all slyly, "If you know anyone whose interested." Carrie looks all disgusted and tells him, "You should really keep that to yourself. No one is interested in that information." And she stomps off. You know she wants him. Real bad.
The girls are at their regular restaurant, but this time they aren't there for breakfast. It must be after the furniture show, because Carrie is still wearing that God-awful outfit, and she tells the girls that Big is leaving his wife. Samantha tells Carrie that she "won" because Big is now miserable. Carrie then gives the girls a blow-by-blow of what Big said to her, and Charlotte clutches her pearls and babbles, "He's married, Carrie. Carrie, he's married!" Samantha asks Carrie what she's going to do, and Carrie tells her she isn't going to do anything. Charlotte blurts out, "She's not gonna do anything!" Carrie looks at Charlotte and is all, "You need to take a deep breath 'cause you're starting to bug me," which sort of stuns Charlotte into silence. Carrie tells the girls that she has a great boyfriend and is not insane. Looking at some of the fugly outfits Carrie wears in public and at her choice in bedmates, I would have to seriously doubt the "not insane" part. Carrie suggests they all order food, and she looks at the menu and asks, "What does a winner order?" I don't know, Carrie -- why don't you ask a winner and then order the opposite, because after that "Booth Bitch" act earlier, you should have a big "L" tattooed on your forehead. Charlotte then starts looking sad and saying that she thinks it is sad that Big is leaving his wife after only seven months, and Samantha tells her it is the "seven-month itch." Miranda gets on her soapbox and says, "Well, that's what happens when people jump into relationships too quickly." Charlotte resents what Miranda said and tells her that she and Kyle aren't like Big and Natasha. She then tells the girls that she is going to meet Kyle's mom, and she thinks that Kyle will ask her to marry him soon. Oh, no, that's not rushing a relationship at all. Miranda says she has owned pantyhose longer than Charlotte and Kyle have been together, and Charlotte tells her it is real love and it feels right. The girls have a hard time believing her.
Miranda and Steve are looking at a basement apartment/roach motel. Miranda is disgusted, although Steve thinks the place is okay. Miranda tells him he can't live there, and she will help him look for something better. ["Cut the cord, Miranda." -- Sars]
Miranda and Carrie are walking down the street, and Carrie has on a low-cut wrap dress, and a black pocketbook with a big pink flower on it. We can't get away from those freakin' flowers! The women are talking about the apartment Miranda saw with Steve, and Carrie thinks there should be a shelter for ex-boyfriends who need a new apartment. You know, I think there already is a place like that. It's called the YMCA.
Back at Carrie's apartment, Carrie VOs that women use the left, more emotional side of their brains, and men use the right, more logical side of their brains. We see her typing on her product-placed laptop, "When it comes to relationships, is it better to follow your heart or your head?" I have to say that with the choice in men she has had, Carrie is insane and is following her diseased head.
Charlotte is at a fancy club with Kyle and Kyle's mom having a drink, and Mom is showing Charlotte old pictures of Kyle. To dull the pain of having his girlfriend look at dorky pictures of him, Kyle gets the waiter and orders a Glenlivet on the rocks. Mom puts her hand on Kyle's arm and suggests he get a red wine instead, since it is healthy for his heart. Kyle is all, "All righty!" and changes his order. Mom asks them what their plans are that evening, and Kyle tells her they have a reservation at Cloche. Mom tells them that she went there last week and didn't like it, then puts her hand on Kyle's arm again and suggests they go to Cote Basque instead. Kyle is all, "All righty!" as Charlotte watches Mom and learns her craft. Mama's boy!
In a shout-out to my old recaps, Samantha and Bobby from Third Watch are in bed, and Samantha is going down on him. Bobby yells out that he is coming, and when he finishes up, Samantha has a sourpuss look on her face, probably the same face that every young girl has after her first blowjob. Except that Samantha knows better than to have unprotected oral sex with a man she hardly knows.
At the restaurant, Samantha blurts out, "I'm dating a guy with the funkiest-tasting spunk!" The girls all look at each other, and in one of the greatest Charlotte moments we have ever seen, she gets her bag and leaves without another word. Samantha isn't fazed in the least, and goes on about how Bobby's spunk tastes like asparagus gone bad. Miranda tells her that nutrition has an effect on taste, and Samantha then tells them that the spunk tastes like asparagus and Clorox. Miranda is all, "Well, at least you'll get your whites whiter." Ew! Samantha asks what she should do, and Miranda suggests not giving him head again. Samantha never thought of that. Carrie is all, "So what, casual head is back now?" Samantha is all, "Oh, it's fine. He's healthy and I don't swallow." How in the hell does she know he is healthy? Miranda thought she was healthy, and look what happened to her! Carrie is all, "Well, as long as you and the Center for Disease Control are fine with it…" I'm happy that the writers of the show at least acknowledged that what Samantha is doing isn't exactly the most safe practice. But now is the time for me to give a lesson on blowjobs. I learned this the first time I did it, and I would have thought that with all the practice Samantha has had, she would have figured it out. (NB: Only after you have been with a guy for a while and know for sure he doesn't have any diseases and decide to have unprotected oral sex do I suggest doing this.) When the guy is going to come, deep-throat it. Jam it as far back into your mouth and throat as you can get it without gagging. That way, when the guy comes, he shoots his load down your throat, and you barely taste anything. Forget that spitting shit. Why would you want that stuff swimming around in your mouth? And have a glass of water close at hand. After you finish, have a glass of water and you'll be ready to go again! If anyone else has any blowjob tips, please go to the forums and tell us about them! ["But only if you're eighteen or older, blah blah blah disclaimercakes." -- Sars]
Miranda goes home and finds a message on her answering machine from a woman asking Steve out on a date. She looks a little hurt.
Carrie finds a message on her own answering machine from Big, asking her to call him. She listens to it seven more times and has Miranda come over to listen to the message. As they are chomping on Twizzlers, they debate whether she should call Big back. After Miranda leaves, Carrie calls Big. Big tells her that he thought about it, and it will cost him a lot if he leaves Natasha so he is going to stay with her, and Carrie should forget what he said to her. She hangs up on him. Someone is a glutton for punishment…
Carrie and CIM are now lying around in bed, and CIM tells her she has cracks in her ceiling, and that her place could use some work. She doesn't really care about home improvements, as well she shouldn't, since that is her landlord's responsibility. CIM offers to strip the floors for her, and tells her it is quick and easy and she won't even notice he's there. What kind of floor stripping does he do that is quick and unnoticeable? With all the loud machinery and dust, CIM needs to go to all her neighbors and asking for permission to work on Carrie's floors.
Samantha and Bobby are at a health food restaurant, and they get little cups of wheatgrass juice. Carrie tells us in VO that Samantha got the idea of going there to eat from a healthy sperm website. They drink the juice, and Bobby tells her the juice tastes funky. Carrie tells us that Samantha had to fight the urge to tell him he didn't know from funky. Samantha asks the waiter how long it takes for the wheatgrass juice to work its way into the system. The waiter tells her it takes about an hour and a half. Carrie tells us, "An hour and a half, two wheatgrass shots and a ginger melon smoothie later…" Samantha is sitting on the ground with her back to a mirror, giving Bobby a hummer, and Bobby yells out that he is coming. Again, Samantha has an "ew, nasty" look on her face. I guess that was supposed to be funny.
Kyle and Charlotte are in a restaurant having salad, and Kyle doesn't like his salad dressing. He asks the waitress for another salad, and Charlotte puts her hand on his arm like his mother did and suggests the tomato and basil salad. Kyle goes into the "All righty!" trance, then tells her that his mother liked her and that she is a dream come true. He looks into her eyes and says, "Charlotte?" Charlotte's eyes get all big and she leans in and says, "Yes?" and as he is about to say something, the waitress comes with the new salad and Kyle starts eating. He tells her she always knows what he wants, and she puts her hand on his arm again and says, "Maybe we should get married." Kyle says, "All righty!" and keeps on eating. Charlotte sort of looks mortified.
Charlotte is at Carrie's door, looking shocked, and tells Carrie, "I'm engaged. I proposed to myself." She tells Carrie how she suggested a tomato salad, and then suggested they get married. Carrie asks what Kyle said, and Charlotte tells her, "'All righty.'" Carrie is all, "'All righty'? Now I'm thinking the upsetting thing isn't that you proposed, but that you proposed to a guy who says 'all righty'!" Yeah, because that is so much worse than someone who says "go with the flow." Oh, wait, it isn't. Pot(belly) calling kettle black? Charlotte is upset that there was no kneeling and no ring. She thinks it is an awful engagement story because it was so unromantic. Honey, you want to hear an unromantic engagement story? Let me tell you one. My now-husband and I went to St. Maarten and he bought me a lovely diamond ring. I asked him if we were now engaged, and he said no. So all week long I was wearing this ring, and I came home from vacation and went to work and everyone thought I was engaged, but I wasn't. My parents called me and asked me if I was now engaged, and I had to completely confuse them by telling them I had a ring, but my man had not proposed. The weekend my man asked me if I wanted to go to this waterfall in the mountains, and I told him I wasn't interested because it had been raining all week and I knew it was going to be all muddy by the waterfalls. All weekend my man asked me to go to certain places in the mountains and I kept telling him I had no intention of going to the mountains because it was all muddy and buggy. Finally, he decided to open a bottle of champagne while I was taking a shower and propose to me in our home on Sunday night. After I got out of the shower, my best friend called me and I talked to her for over an hour, talking about how bizarre it was that I had a ring but no engagement. After I got off the phone, I decided to go to bed, but I needed to go downstairs to get something out of the dryer. When I came downstairs my man asked me to watch a movie with him on cable -- it just happened to be the first movie we had ever watched together. So I sat down with him and watched the movie, and somewhere in the middle of the movie he leaned over and asked me to marry him. I said yes, and he ran over to the freezer to get the two glasses of champagne he had poured for us almost two hours ago and had put away in the freezer while I was on the phone, and by the time we got to drink them they had become like slushies. So we celebrated our engagement -- finally -- with champagne slushies. I can't wait to tell my grandkids that little ditty.
So it is the middle of the night and Steve's puppy is barking outside Miranda's room, and she goes out to yell at Steve about the dog, and she finds out that Steve has not come home. Carrie tells us Miranda realized it was finally over. Later in the morning, Steve comes home, and Miranda is dressed for work and tells him that she took the dog out, coffee is ready, and she circled apartments in the Village Voice that she thinks are good for him. Steve tells her he thinks he should move out that day, and she agrees. She asks him to keep in touch, and then leaves. And thus endeth Steve.
CIM has bad rock and roll music blasting and is sanding the floor with a huge belt sander, and for some strange reason Carrie can't get her work done. She tells him she is bothered by his work, like everyone else that lives in her building probably, and she can't do her own work so she is going to stay at the Stanhope Hotel. CIM actually looks surprised. What a dunce.
Kyle and Charlotte are walking down the street, holding hands, and he tells her how delighted his mother was about their engagement, but Charlotte looks sad. Carrie tells us that Charlotte got what she wanted, but she couldn't get out of her head how she got it. They walk past Tiffany, and Kyle stops Charlotte and tells her they should go in and buy her the most beautiful ring they have. She smiles a big smile and says, "All righty!" Carrie tells us, "From that moment on, Charlotte would tell everyone that right in front of Tiffany's [sic], out of nowhere, Trey popped the question and she said 'all righty.'" Nice revisionist history there, Charlotte. I can just imagine the interesting stories she'll make up when she tells people how she got pregnant and gave birth.
Samantha and Bobby are in bed, and he tries to push her head down to give him a blowjob. Man, I really hate it when guys do that -- they should get a clue that if they have to shove someone's head down, that person probably doesn't want to give a blowjob. Samantha totally denies him, and he asks why. She tells him he has funky-tasting spunk, and he tells her he thinks she is just making excuses. He then accuses her of being a "two-blowjob chick," and that he'll probably never get another blowjob from her again. Um, Bobby, don't you have to wonder why women whom you have sexual relations with stop giving you blowjobs after the second time? Maybe it isn't just a coincidence? ["Maybe it's because you're an asshole with a huge sense of entitlement? Gee, I wonder." -- Sars] She tells him she isn't a two-blowjob chick and that she loves giving head. He tells her to give him some head then, it's easy. "Easy!?" she yells out. "You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breath through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing!" AMEN, SISTER! She tells him it is great if she is with the right guy, and if the spunk doesn't taste funky. Bobby doesn't believe his spunk could be so bad. She convinces him to try his spunk himself, and if he is fine with it, she will be too. Carrie tells us, "Ten minutes later…" Bobby has some of his spunk on his fingers; he tastes it, makes a pained face, and tells her he thinks it's fine. You know he is ready to throw up. Samantha should have snowballed him so he could get a whole mouthful, not just a little taste. Carrie tells us that since Bobby was fine with it, Samantha was fine with it, but her heart wasn't in it. Like her heart ever makes an appearance during sex?
Carrie is doing exactly what I did two weeks ago -- I had problems getting my recap done at home so I went to a hotel to finish it up and send it out, and now Carrie is in a hotel room finishing up her writing. The phone rings, and it's Big, who is in the lobby. He tells her he talked to CIM to find out where she was, and he asks her to come down to talk to him. As she steps out of the elevator, Carrie is covering herself up with a raincoat, but you see that she is wearing what looks like a black tap-dance outfit. Where's the top hat and cane? She finds Big sitting at the bar, and she asks him what he wants. He asks her to have a drink with him, and she looks at him and tells him that she has a boyfriend and a deadline, and he has a wife and a drinking problem. If I had CIM for a boyfriend, I would have a drinking problem. He tells her he was upset that she didn't say anything when he said he was leaving Natasha, so he decided to be a jerk to her when he called her to tell her he was staying with Natasha. She tells him to stop with the flirting and the calling and the talking to her boyfriend. She tells him she doesn't want CIM to know about him, and when he asks why, she tells him to go lie in his beige bed. She shuffle-ball-changes to the elevator, and Big follows her into the elevator. He grabs her and tells her he made a mistake, and he kisses her. She tries to push him away and says, "Fuck you!" He tells her he loves her and kisses her again, and she tries to push him away again but doesn't try so hard, and whispers, "Fuck you." He pushes her into the corner of the elevator and kisses her again, and she starts to kiss back. Carrie's VO says, "My mind was yelling how angry I was, but my heart…my heart." What mind? Carrie has a mind? As they are kissing, Carrie whispers, "Fuck me." And the screen goes black. thing we see is Big, lying in bed, lighting a cigarette and passing it to Carrie. Carrie takes a drag as her VO tells us, "And just like that, I lost my head." Honey, you lost your head episodes ago. You only realized it now.
CIM has bad rock and roll music blasting and is sanding the floor with a huge belt sander, and for some strange reason Carrie can't get her work done. She tells him she is bothered by his work, like everyone else that lives in her building probably, and she can't do her own work so she is going to stay at the Stanhope Hotel. CIM actually looks surprised. What a dunce.
Kyle and Charlotte are walking down the street, holding hands, and he tells her how delighted his mother was about their engagement, but Charlotte looks sad. Carrie tells us that Charlotte got what she wanted, but she couldn't get out of her head how she got it. They walk past Tiffany, and Kyle stops Charlotte and tells her they should go in and buy her the most beautiful ring they have. She smiles a big smile and says, "All righty!" Carrie tells us, "From that moment on, Charlotte would tell everyone that right in front of Tiffany's [sic], out of nowhere, Trey popped the question and she said 'all righty.'" Nice revisionist history there, Charlotte. I can just imagine the interesting stories she'll make up when she tells people how she got pregnant and gave birth.
Samantha and Bobby are in bed, and he tries to push her head down to give him a blowjob. Man, I really hate it when guys do that -- they should get a clue that if they have to shove someone's head down, that person probably doesn't want to give a blowjob. Samantha totally denies him, and he asks why. She tells him he has funky-tasting spunk, and he tells her he thinks she is just making excuses. He then accuses her of being a "two-blowjob chick," and that he'll probably never get another blowjob from her again. Um, Bobby, don't you have to wonder why women whom you have sexual relations with stop giving you blowjobs after the second time? Maybe it isn't just a coincidence? ["Maybe it's because you're an asshole with a huge sense of entitlement? Gee, I wonder." -- Sars] She tells him she isn't a two-blowjob chick and that she loves giving head. He tells her to give him some head then, it's easy. "Easy!?" she yells out. "You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breath through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing!" AMEN, SISTER! She tells him it is great if she is with the right guy, and if the spunk doesn't taste funky. Bobby doesn't believe his spunk could be so bad. She convinces him to try his spunk himself, and if he is fine with it, she will be too. Carrie tells us, "Ten minutes later…" Bobby has some of his spunk on his fingers; he tastes it, makes a pained face, and tells her he thinks it's fine. You know he is ready to throw up. Samantha should have snowballed him so he could get a whole mouthful, not just a little taste. Carrie tells us that since Bobby was fine with it, Samantha was fine with it, but her heart wasn't in it. Like her heart ever makes an appearance during sex?
Carrie is doing exactly what I did two weeks ago -- I had problems getting my recap done at home so I went to a hotel to finish it up and send it out, and now Carrie is in a hotel room finishing up her writing. The phone rings, and it's Big, who is in the lobby. He tells her he talked to CIM to find out where she was, and he asks her to come down to talk to him. As she steps out of the elevator, Carrie is covering herself up with a raincoat, but you see that she is wearing what looks like a black tap-dance outfit. Where's the top hat and cane? She finds Big sitting at the bar, and she asks him what he wants. He asks her to have a drink with him, and she looks at him and tells him that she has a boyfriend and a deadline, and he has a wife and a drinking problem. If I had CIM for a boyfriend, I would have a drinking problem. He tells her he was upset that she didn't say anything when he said he was leaving Natasha, so he decided to be a jerk to her when he called her to tell her he was staying with Natasha. She tells him to stop with the flirting and the calling and the talking to her boyfriend. She tells him she doesn't want CIM to know about him, and when he asks why, she tells him to go lie in his beige bed. She shuffle-ball-changes to the elevator, and Big follows her into the elevator. He grabs her and tells her he made a mistake, and he kisses her. She tries to push him away and says, "Fuck you!" He tells her he loves her and kisses her again, and she tries to push him away again but doesn't try so hard, and whispers, "Fuck you." He pushes her into the corner of the elevator and kisses her again, and she starts to kiss back. Carrie's VO says, "My mind was yelling how angry I was, but my heart…my heart." What mind? Carrie has a mind? As they are kissing, Carrie whispers, "Fuck me." And the screen goes black. thing we see is Big, lying in bed, lighting a cigarette and passing it to Carrie. Carrie takes a drag as her VO tells us, "And just like that, I lost my head." Honey, you lost your head episodes ago. You only realized it now.