So the show starts off with Carrie telling us about how much she loves Sunday brunch because you get to eat eggs at noon with an alcoholic drink, and get to read the "single woman's sports pages, the New York Times Wedding Section." Okay, when did marriage become a sport? If my husband isn't performing to my expectations, can I trade him for a better "player"? Do I get a bonus if I "score" a lot during a season? Will there be playoffs? So the girls are brunching, and Charlotte is reading her section of the "sports" page and is upset when she reads that a woman gave up her job after getting married. The other girls are just as appalled that a woman would want to leave the workplace, and Miranda tells them, "It's so retro! Okay, I've got a big rock on my finger, now I can stop pretending to care about my career!" Hey, retro is in -- just look at Carrie's clothes! Carrie theorizes that the women that give up their careers marry the "Roman-numeral guys." Charlotte confirms Carrie's theory when she reads that the woman who gave up her job married a man named Charles Duffy Anderson IV. Samantha has found that the higher the number, the worse they are in bed, and tells the girls that she was with a guy who was a III, and he could barely get it up. Miranda wonders how bad Henry VIII must have been, and Carrie is all, "You give him head, he cuts yours off!" Da dum dum! Charlotte is still reading and turns the page, gasps, and then folds up the paper. Samantha takes the paper and opens it up, and they see Mr. Big and Natasha. Carrie tells them it is fine, and that she has prepared for it, but of course the girls don't believe her and try to make her feel better.
Charlotte goes to Carrie's apartment with her, and you can now see the full ensemble Carrie has on. Blue plaid pants with fringe on the sides, and a red plaid shirt with ruffles on the collar and cuffs. Owen called me and told me he now knows what "Cranky Pants" look like in real life. ["And these are those special ultra-tight, high-water 'Cranky Pants' I've heard about, too." -- owen] I put together an outfit like that once, and when I walked out of my bedroom to show my mother, she made me go back and put on matching clothes before she took me to my second-grade class. Charlotte doesn't seem to be phased at all that her friend looks like the newly elected president of Clown College (tm owen) and tries to take Carrie's Sunday newspaper so she won't read the article on the Big Wedding. But the dueling plaids hypnotize Charlotte, and she agrees to sit down and read the article with Carrie. Charlotte reads out loud as Carrie sits to her with a martini, and Charlotte tells her Natasha and Big met in Paris when he sent over a bottle of wine to her table, and by the time the bottle was finished they were in love. Carrie is waving her martini around and exclaims, "Yeah, she was drunk and he was rich." Charlotte reads on about Natasha wanting a small, intimate wedding of fifty people -- just family and friends. Carrie says she doesn't hear Big anywhere in the article, and that it sounds like he was just along for the ride. Well, duh! Weddings aren't about the groom -- they're about the bride's mother showing off her party planning skills! Charlotte reads, "When she walked down the aisle, a saxophone played 'When a Man Loves a Woman.'" And she's all, "Well, that's tacky." Carrie is all, "No, that's Big." And puts her head in her hands and starts to cry, and when she puts her head down the bun on her head is a totally different color than the hair around her face and it looks like she has a cheap hairpiece hanging on top of her head. Carrie then starts complaining that she is upset about the wedding, and Natasha, and tells Charlotte that "she's shiny hair, style section, Vera Wang, and I'm, you know, the sex column they run to ads for penile implants." Carrie starts crying some more and Charlotte just looks at her and looks sad. Well, Carrie, if you want shiny hair all you have to do is stop overprocessing it.
Carrie's voice-over tells us that after ten years, "Miranda finally opened herself up to a relationship . . . with a cleaning lady." So Miranda is in her kitchen looking for her coffee mug and she asks Magda the cleaning lady where the mugs are, and Magda tells her that she rearranged her cabinets so all the glassware would be together, and then Magda tells her that she brought her herbal teas because that is better than coffee, and a rolling pin to make pies because women should make pies. Miranda looks a little horrified, and all of a sudden the kitchen turns into a clothing store and Miranda is asking Carrie if she owns a rolling pin. Carrie is all, "Are you kidding me? I use my oven for storage." With Carrie's taste in clothes, I could just imagine the culinary atrocities that would come out of her kitchen if she actually cooked. Miranda starts telling her about the cleaning lady and about making pies, and Carrie goes into a dressing "booth" (it wasn't a room away from the clothing, it was just a part of the room sectioned off by curtains) and as Miranda is talking to her, Natasha comes out of the other booth and stands in front of the mirror checking out the dress she just tried on. Miranda looks shocked, and Carrie tells her that she needs a smaller size of what she is trying on. Miranda says, "Sorry, Carrie, they don't have a size smaller than zero!" to try to get Carrie to not open the curtain. Just kidding, but you know she was thinking it. She tells Carrie that she will get the other dress for her, but Carrie just walks out from behind the curtain in her underwear and sees Natasha. Um, Carrie, if you are going to walk out into the store to find another dress, don't you think you should have some clothes on? All of a sudden Carrie becomes modest and tries to cover herself with the dress, and she tries some small talk with Natasha. She congratulates Natasha on the wedding, and then tells her that the dress she has on is nice. Natasha tells her she needs something for the "Women in the Arts" luncheon that she is on the steering committee for, and Carrie tells her that she goes to that luncheon every year, so they plan on seeing each other again at the luncheon.
Back at home, Carrie is on the phone with Samantha telling her that she can't find the invitation to the luncheon. Samantha asks her why she wants to go to the luncheon in the first place, and Carrie tells her that she is at a deficit -- once she met Natasha wearing a cowboy hat, and once she was in her bra, and that "I'm like freakin Annie Get Your Clothes On!" Carrie is a female Don Rickles. She wants Natasha see her look amazing, and asks Samantha to find out where and when the luncheon will be held. Samantha tells her not only will she find out, she will go with her because she supports her friends, "and honey, these bitches need to be put in their places." I'm not sure why Samantha has such a problem with Women in the Arts. What did they ever do to her?
Later on, Carrie goes through her huge closet of misfit clothing and can't find a thing to wear to the luncheon, and says in a voice-over, "Why did I care so much? What was it about Natasha that always made me feel like the charity case?" Maybe because you dress like Bunny from Like Normal People? She sulks in front of her laptop and types, "Are there women in New York who are there just to make us feel bad about ourselves?" Yes, and there are places for them to congregate -- they are called modeling agencies.
Carrie tells us, "For Miranda, that person was a certain Ukrainian housekeeper." Miranda walks into her bedroom with a towel around her shoulders and wearing a Mensa shirt and blue sweat pants, and her hair is wet. I don't know if she just took a shower or just came back from a workout. Magda is making her bed, and Miranda was not expecting her to come so early. Miranda asks her if she gave her a hand towel with a flower embroidered on it. Magda tells her it is a gift to make her bathroom look pretty. Miranda then asks her if she moved her hairdryer, and Magda tells her she organized the drawers in the bathroom, and then tells her she will organize her drawers in her bedroom. Hey, if anyone is going to be organizing Miranda's bedroom drawers, don't you think it should be Steve, if you catch my drift? She opens Miranda's nightstand and finds condoms, oil, and a vibrator. They both look mortified, and Carrie's voiceover tells us that "Magda had discovered Miranda's goody drawer." Miranda tells Magda that she has a boyfriend and that she only has sex with him. Magda asks her if she wants to get married because everyone wants to get married. Miranda tells her she doesn't know if she wants to get married, and then walks out of the room. Magda yells out, "God bless you!" and Miranda walks back into the room and tells her that she doesn't need for her or God to bless her because she is fine with her life. ["I'm usually in Miranda's corner, but even I think it's pretty harsh to shout down a little old lady who tells you 'God bless'." -- owen]
She leaves the room again and closes the door, and she is magically whisked away to another place, this time a ladies' locker room, and she and the girls are only wearing towels and smiles. Miranda tells them about Magda finding her goody drawer, and when Charlotte asks what is in a goody drawer, they tell her things like condoms, vibrator, massage oil, cigarettes, and Samantha chimes in with, "Nipple clamps. Not for me, for them." Charlotte thinks that is freakish and Miranda asks, "What is in your goody drawer? Robert's Rules of Order?" HA! Charlotte tells them she doesn't have a goody drawer, and Samantha tells them she has a goody closet. Well, I guess she has room in there, seeing that all her clothes end up in piles in the corners of her room. They go into a steam room, and all the women in there are naked. The soundtrack music playing is all bwow-chica-chica-bwow-bwow like porno music. I'm expecting the girls to start getting it on with each other, just like the music suggests. The girls take off their towels, except for Charlotte, who tell them it is too hot and she isn't comfortable, and she leaves. Samantha exclaims, "There goes a girl who desperately needs a goody drawer." Carrie follows Charlotte out and asks her what's wrong. Charlotte tells her she's uncomfortable being naked in public, and Carrie tells her she has a beautiful figure, but Charlotte doesn't believe it. ["What happened to the first season Charlotte, the one who got addicted to the 'rabbit' vibrator and posed naked so an artist could paint her vagina?" -- owen]
Samantha comes out from a massage and gets herself something to drink, and another woman comes up and tells her that she just had the greatest massage, and that Kevin, her masseur, went down on her, and suggests that Samantha try him. Kevin walks by and Samantha gets all hot and horny for him, and Carrie's voice-over tells us, "Samantha immediately got on the wait list for Kevin's available appointment."
As Miranda climbs into bed, Carrie tells us, "That night, Steve wasn't available either, so Miranda decided to do the best thing." Miranda opens her goody drawer and finds a statue of the Virgin Mary, and Carrie tells us, "Apparently, Magda wasn't only cleaning, she was performing an exorcism." If that had been Samantha, I don't think finding that statue would have stopped her from having a "religious experience," if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Ew.
Carrie tells us, "Later that week I had a religious experience at Manolo Blahnik," as she walks into a café with a shopping bag and sits down with Charlotte. Carrie orders a piece of chocolate cake and Charlotte orders a fruit cup. Carrie is upset that they went to the best place for desserts and Charlotte ordered fruit. Charlotte tells her she hates her thighs, and Carrie tells her the problem isn't her thighs, it's her head. Carrie then shows her the new shoes she got and tells her, "I need these for the WITA luncheon -- do you think they make the right statement?" Charlotte asks what statement she is trying to make, and Carrie says, "I am beautiful and powerful and don't care that you're only twenty-five and married to my ex." How about "I buy things that I can't afford so I can impress women that don't care"? They talk about Carrie's obsession with Natasha and how it will be over once Natasha sees her looking fabulous in the shoes and a dress from Bergdorf Goodman that costs a month's rent. By the time she quits trying to impress Natasha, she will be so far in debt that she'll have to wear that same dress and shoes until they come back into fashion. Charlotte tells Carrie that she can wear what she is wearing right now and she will be the most incredible person in the room. Carrie is all, "Wow! Why can't you do that for yourself?" Charlotte ponders the question.
Carrie tells us, "That afternoon, Charlotte faced her fear," and we see Charlotte at the spa running through the locker room with a towel around her waist and her hands holding her boobs, and she enters the naked steam room. She takes a breath, takes off her towel, and sits down. Another woman is staring at her and says, "I'd kill for your breasts." ["At this point I clutched my pearls, because from what I've heard about New York City, Charlotte might very well get killed for her breasts." -- owen] ["Only by a cop." -- Sars] Charlotte smiles and thinks to herself, "Woo hoo! A naked girl likes my boobies!"
Meanwhile, Samantha is getting her massage from Kevin while the soundtrack plays jungle music. Does the music imply hot monkey love in the near future? Kevin starts massaging Samantha's legs and keeps asking Samantha if what he is doing okay, and he finally gets up to her thighs, and then he starts massaging her arms. D'oh! No monkey love for Samantha! Samantha decides to take matters into her own hands, so to speak, and grabs Kevin's package and says, "Is this okay?" Carrie tells us, "Apparently it wasn't," as Samantha is getting yelled at by the manager of the spa and is told that she won't be allowed back. Samantha tells the manager that Kevin went down on another customer and that is the only reason why she made an appointment with him.
Samantha and Carrie arrive at the luncheon and Samantha is yelling, "You just can't randomly go down on one person and not on another. I paid good money expecting to be eaten out!" That Samantha, what a charmer. Carrie sees the looks of horror on the other women's faces and tells Samantha to quit it with the ladylike talk. They look for Natasha, and Samantha tells Carrie that she looks stunning. Carrie is all, "You know what? I believe you." Fuck "stunning." After spending all that money on clothes and shoes, I would expect to look like a freaking Goddess of Love. I've seen her look better. They go to register, and the woman signing them in gives them nametags. Samantha puts her up by her chest and says, "Hello, my name is Fabulous!" They notice that Natasha hasn't arrived yet, and the woman tells them that Natasha is sick and can't make it. Carrie is all pissed off and wants to go home, but Samantha makes them stay for the drinks.
Miranda confronts Magda about the Virgin Mary statue, and Magda tells her she moved the vibrator to the bathroom drawer, and then tells Miranda that if she keeps the vibrator by her bed no man will want to marry her. Miranda tells her she doesn't want another mother, and that she drinks coffee, has sex, buys pies, and enjoys battery-powered devices. She then tells Magda that if she can't deal with it then she will find another housekeeper who can. Go Miranda -- tell her what's what!
Carrie is at a table downing some champagne, and the woman sitting to her is telling her about how she heads up a mentor program, and then asks Carrie if she would like to mentor some kids who want to write. Carrie blurts out, "I write about sex. Is that something they'll like to learn, these kids? Writing about blow jobs and stuff?" The woman decides that maybe Carrie would be better off doing fundraising. Samantha comes over and introduces Carrie to Jenna, who went to college with Natasha. Jenna tells her that Natasha once showered with a guy in a community bathroom, and that she gained ten pounds sophomore year. Carrie appreciates Samantha's effort to make Natasha look bad, but it doesn't work. They decide to leave, and they walk past the woman from the spa who got eaten out. The woman recognizes Samantha and tells her two friends that Samantha was the one who got Kevin fired. The women are visibly pissed and are all, "Thanks. Thanks a lot." One woman yells out, "Who's going to fuck me now?" and the other women look at her like, "Kevin fucked you?" Samantha and Carrie see a cat fight in the making and run away.
Miranda goes to bed and sees a platter of neatly-placed condoms on her nightstand. Apparently, Magda got the hint. What a nice housekeeper!
Carrie is in her bedroom opening mail, and she gets a thank-you note from Natasha that says at the end, "Sorry I couldn't be their." She speed-dials Miranda and tells her, "It's a good thing she got married. The woman is an idiot!" No, Carrie, you are the idiot for maxing your credit cards out for life just so you could feel better about yourself after finding a misspelled word.
week on Sex and the City, has the opposite sex become obsolete? Not if all women have to hook up with is Alanis Morissette.