Hey, is that a bus getting stains all over the front of SJP's dress, or is it just happy to see her? End credits.
Carrie voice-overs the old saw about "New Yorkers being the most jaded people in the world," as we see different vignettes of zany big-city occurrences taking place while the Big Apple denizens express indifference. There's an old-fashioned sidewalk police-beating, a woman hailing a cab while holding her dog in a baby pouch harness, and a nude cocktail waitress. Carrie further elaborates, "It takes quite a bit to shock us." Um, shut up, Carrie! You want eccentricity, visit any one-stoplight rural Southern town. You want cynicism, check out the MBTV writers' employee forum.
Cut to the new show at Charlotte's gallery. The camera pans over to Stanford, Carrie, Samantha and Miranda checking out a photograph on the wall. Carrie VO's that the show is called, "Drag Kings: The Collusion of Illusion and Reality." What's with that title? Are these David Copperfield's photos of women in male drag? Whatever! Charlotte comes over and asks the gang what they think. Carrie swills her martini and makes some lame, pseudo-topical quips about Guiliani possibly shutting down the show and the trend of "women acting like men" surpassing the popularity of Pokémon. Didn't I tell you to shut up already, Carrie? If not, if bears repeating. Samantha and Stanford admire the "bulge" on a cowboy/girl subject, and Stanford wonders if he might be a lesbian. Samantha blathers on about how one of her men once tried on her underwear, but she's never gone "the other way." Stanford explains that in gay relationships "anyone can wear everyone's [sic] underwear." Charlotte makes a stink-face and snarks, "That's hygienic." Hee. Samantha considers becoming a drag king, surmising that it'd be "fun." Miranda's mind boggles at "a woman pretending to be a man in a man's world." This from a woman who's been known to wear tailored three-piece suits with neckties? Although the producers are trying to make us forget this fact by making Miranda pull a Hilary Swank, suddenly femme-ing up in a low-cut cocktail dress, we've all seen the footage from the last two seasons. It's called continuity, writers. Work on it.
Then Donovan Leitch, in stubble and an ugly velvet jacket that looks moth-eaten, latches onto the group. Turns out he's the photographer of the hour. DL, who's called "Barrett" here, tells the group that he derived his inspiration for the show from the belief that "gender is an illusion;" we all have masculine and feminine traits within us. Then he Rico Suave's Charlotte with a compliment that she's "a very beautiful illusion." Charlotte, who's looking smashing in a black sleeveless mock turtleneck gown and a ponytail, quickly excuses herself to go nosh on a canapé. The rest of the Fabulous Foursome join her at the hors d'oeuvres table and, unfortunately, that's the last we see of Stanford. Sob.
Carrie asks Charlotte why she's flustered. She admits that she's attracted to Barrett, but she's too scared to make the first move. Carrie leers and quips, "Someone needs a sock in the pants," which would have been funnier if she didn't giggle afterwards at her own line. Miranda says she's going to "drag" herself home. Zing! Not. Carrie says she's going out on a date after this event; she's meeting someone whom the gals call "the young guy." Carrie doesn't believe his age is an issue. Miranda tells her that "his generation has a different letter than ours." Carrie believes that "age is an illusion." Good-byes are exchanged.
Then Miranda walks into her apartment, and we see a basketball game playing on her weirdly white big-screen TV, while Carrie VO's the news that Miranda's flat "went through a gender-transformation of its own." Turns out Steve came over and ordered Chinese food for them. Miranda grabs the remote from him and asserts her authority over the surroundings. Steve tells her that he has to work later that night, but he brought a change of clothes and a suggestion that they have sex before he goes on the clock. They mack.
Cut to an overhead shot of Miranda's expressions as she lies in bed and Steve punches in early. Carrie VO's that Miranda "loved the man inside of her, but not the man in her apartment all the time." Miranda confirms Carrie's narration by taking a moment from the throes of ecstasy to toss Steve's discarded shirt onto his dirty clothes pile at the foot of the bed.
Miranda's white sheets segue into an ice-skating rink, and we look down on figures zooming about to the strains of some catchy polka tune. We pan over to the side of rink and spot Carrie, who's still wearing her gallery attire: seven pounds of tacky gold jewelry and a light puce sweater that she's belted in an unsuccessful attempt to create a dress. She's clutching the wall of the rink with one hand while gripping her cigarette equally fiercely with the other. A cute guy in cargo pants, jean jacket and "Amsterdam" tee-shirt skates over. He greets her, grabs her and leads her onto the ice. Carrie VO's that the guy is "Shawn, [her] generation-something-else date." They met at an online magazine launch party. He's running the mag, but she "can't find" it on her computer. As I liken Carrie to those Barbie dolls that were yanked off the shelves for confessing that math and science (and by extension, technical skills) are "hard" for girls, she helpfully makes high-pitched ingénue shrieks as Shawn tries to move her ass around on the ice. Whatever. Shawn suggests that Carrie might balance better without the cigarette. Carrie puffs away and states, "Smoking's the only thing that keeps me balanced," whatever that means. Shawn thinks the rink "rocks" and wants Carrie to "give [him] credit for an original date." Carrie: "I don't think it's officially a date without cocktails." Shawn reveals a collection of airplane liquor bottles in the inside pocket of his jacket. Carrie: "My coach is going to kill me!" She beams and they mack right there on the ice. Although Carrie's got the wardrobe and patter down cold, since she failed to put her fried, poorly-dyed blonde hair into a ponytail, the judges give her a low score in the Tonya Harding impression competition and she won't be competing in the finals.
Cut to a scene "half a flask of Jim Beam later." Carrie and Shawn are making out on a bench, and Carrie VO's a lame quip about "breaking the ice." Ugh. As Shawn starts taking off Carrie's skates for her, he queries Giggly McHelpless about her last serious relationship. Carrie generalizes this as "the inevitable third date question," immediately cold-shoulders Shawn, and reaches down to take her skates off herself. After Shawn quite justifiably wonders silently what the hell he did wrong, Carrie snaps out of it and enigmatically replies that she "ended something awhile ago." Jeez. Don't date if you're going to make your dates carry your emotional baggage, honey. She asks him the "third date question," and he replies that he last dated a "neurotic" woman, another woman who "couldn't commit," and before them, a guy named Mark. Carrie gapes. The hell? Half an airplane bottle of whiskey and she loses her cool at coming into contact with a bisexual? Isn't Carrie a heavier drinker than that? And an experienced sex columnist, to boot? Shawn asks her if that's "a problem," while she catches flies.
Brunch summit. Carrie gabs to the girls that Shawn's bi. Samantha thinks the ice-skating date should have been a tip-off. Carrie: "The weird thing is, he was so open about it." WHAT! Like he should be ashamed or something, Carrie? Shut up! Miranda agrees with Carrie that "of course" Shawn's bisexuality will be "a problem" if Carrie's going to continue dating him. Charlotte asks what Carrie said when Shawn asked her if it was a problem. Carrie fibbed and told Shawn that "it wasn't a problem." Yeah, Carrie, lying about your sexual hang-ups worked SO WELL with the politician two eps ago who was into golden showers! I can see why you're employing that strategy again! Oy. Then Samantha blathers that all of the "kids" in Shawn's generation are bisexual, because they're "all about sexual experimentation." That statement is so patronizing and ignorant, I don't quite know where to begin. Instead, I'll ponder how Samantha can talk, eat brunch and insert her foot into her mouth at the same time. Then Samantha declares herself to be "a trisexual - [she]'ll try anything once." Because I guess her generation's all about defining themselves with lame, raunchy novelty tee-shirt slogans. Then Carrie relates her experiences from dating bisexuals in college: "They all ended up with men." Samantha: "So did the bisexual women." Charlotte: "Which explains why there are so few eligible men for us." THE HELL? Aren't they overlooking the theory that Carrie is a judgmental, over-generalizing DOG who's lucky she didn't turn the guys off of sex altogether? Or the theory that these characters might be alone because they are so shallow and closed-minded that they'll deny the existence of true bisexuality in our culture, since it doesn't conform to their limited experience and hackneyed beliefs about rigid sexual preference roles? Whatever! And hey, writers! Where are those New Yorkers whom "it takes quite a bit to shock" from the prologue scene of this episode? Can we listen to their brunch conversation for a while? Because as much as I love the Fab Four, my heart hurts listening to them spouting this wrong-headed blather. ["This scene would have been perfect if Dana Carvey was there as 'the grumpy old man' and spouted off with them, like, 'Back in my day, we didn't have any BIsexuals. Everyone was straight, and if someone thought they were gay or bi they committed suicide or became a priest, and we liked it that way!'" -- Nicole] Carrie finally grabs her head and moans, complaining that she's "an old fart" who is "having a problem" with Shawn's revelation. She wonders aloud if bisexuality "even exists;" it must be just "a layover on the way to Gay Town." Ugh, make this stop! Miranda makes a lame quip about "Ricky Martinville." Samantha thinks Shawn is "open to all sexual experiences" and therefore "hot." She tells Carrie not to worry "about the labels." Charlotte reveals that she's "very into labels," like that's some big news. Miranda gets up to leave; Steve's out of the apartment and she's happy to get some "alone time." Carrie begs for more help "with [her] problem." Miranda tells her to "stop kissing him," whatever that means.
Cut to Carrie's Bachelorette pad. She's taking a drag off a cig and wondering if the "sexual flipping" common to "Shawn's generation" is "the wave of the future." Then she brings up the drag king phenomenon and large print bold text careens across the screen as this show's thesis generalization snowballs into "Has the opposite sex become obsolete?"
At Samantha's public relations firm, we see her on the phone, bitching out a headhunter for not sending her any decent candidates for an assistant position. Cue a greasy-haired stud walking into her office to inquire about the job. Samantha immediately vamps him. Carrie VO's that Samantha hired him "five minutes later." Owen thanks God that he didn't have to see Samantha's "five minute" interview technique.
At Charlotte's gallery, Barrett stops by to get the payment for the drag king photos that were sold. He asks her to pose for him "as a man." Charlotte demurs because she's "not butch." Barrett says that every woman has a male inside. Charlotte insists that she's an exception because she's "really bad at math" and "can't change a tire." Weren't those Barbies pulled off the shelves for a reason? Hey, writers! I want to like Charlotte; can y'all lay off the "only boys are good at math" crap? Anyway, Barrett convinces Charlotte to pose as a guy by insisting that he'll "get it out of [her]." Charlotte folds.
Nightclub. Shawn's taken Carrie there. She insists that he's "too cool" for her, but we already knew that. They mack. Carrie VO's that she "almost" forgot about Shawn's bisexuality, or as she so wrongfully puts it, "his lack of sexual orientation." Shut up, Carrie! Shawn pulls away and gazes into the distance. Carrie interrogates him: Was he cruising a man or a woman? He says he was just trying to scope out the restroom. Carrie tosses a chunk of over-processed hair away from her face and admits that the "bisexual thing" is "throwing [her] for a loop." Shawn feeds Carrie's ego by insisting that he's "digging" her. She responds by patronizing him with an inquiry: "Oh, is 'dig' in again?" I guess she's hoping to find something else from the 70s to match her black pullover with the gold shooting star appliqué. Shawn calls her "groovy" and she beams. Then she practically makes him swear that he's "not gay." He assures her that he's not; one of his major past relationships "just happened to be with a guy." They neck.
Then we cut to Shawn and Carrie, doing it on the floor beside her bed. Long story short: He compliments her on her floor. She makes him admit that she kisses better than "a guy." Then she makes him imagine a scenario involving checking out a beautiful girl or a handsome guy. He tells her that he's attracted to "the person," not the gender. She doesn't shut up until he effusively praises her beauty and sexual prowess and taste and smell and I am so out of here.
Back at D&D PR firm, Samanda er, I mean Samantha, wearing a pink leather motocross jacket, a pink ruffled camisole top and lime green skirt, interrupts Matt, her underling, when she overhears him being rude to a client. She reminds him that she's "the boss" and orders him to file something. Then she leers at him from behind the blinds in the conference room. Carrie's VO helpfully explains that Samantha found Matt's "boyish arrogance annoying, unprofessional and incredibly hot." Owen goes to fetch Samantha a drool cup and a sexual harassment defense team.
Cut to Miranda's apartment. She's sitting upright in bed in the dark as Steve lies curled up by her side, asleep. She flips on the light and wakes him up with a harangue about him being on her side of the bed. Steve tries to go back to sleep. Miranda whines to Steve that his "pile of stuff" needs to be "neater." Steve asks her to give him a drawer. Miranda asks incredulously, "You want a drawer?" Instead of taking that as a cue to leave her company, Steve pushes his luck and asks her to "move in." Carrie VO's that "most single women dream of this moment." I am SO SICK of Carrie's massive generalizations! I think she "researches" her theories by drinking herself blind and reading old Cathy comic strips. ["Or she has been listening to her talking Barbies one too may times." -- Nicole] To her credit, Miranda proves to be the exception to Carrie's rule; she reacts to Steve's request with disbelief and anxiety. He gets pissed and puts on his pants to leave. Before stomping away, Steve snarls, "Jesus, Miranda, it's like you're the guy sometimes."
And that sexist blather is topped by our scene, wherein Miranda, feeling unsure of her femininity, turns to what Carrie's VO tells us is "Manhattan's latest fitness craze -- the Goddess Workout." We see Miranda and Carrie in a group of women who are all prancing about, waving scarves in the air. An instructor urges them to "open [their] chakras and let the inner goddess sing." Carrie yawns and tries to make her scarf into a tube top, but I guess the fabric covers too much skin so she abandons the effort. Miranda finds out that she can't "pop [her] hip" like a true woman, so she frets about being "a guy." Then Carrie and Miranda almost bump heads while flailing their scarves around and decide to bolt from the class.
Sidewalk. Miranda's in her street clothes and a suede overcoat, while Carrie…well, did y'all ever wonder what Lorna Luft might have worn onscreen if Grease 2 had been set at a ski lodge? Fortunately, Carrie's got the answer right here in her "capris on skis" ensemble: turquoise pedal-pushers, heels, cable-knit turquoise sweater (belted!) and a white cardigan/duster. The yenta outfit inspires Carrie to tell Miranda, "In any relationship, one person is the alpha dog, the one that's in charge." Miranda thinks that's exactly who she is, and what's going down with her and Steve.
Cut to Miranda walking into her apartment and looking around her neat, empty bedroom. She crosses her arms and frowns. For the radio listeners, Carrie VO's that Miranda "didn't like it."
Meanwhile, at D&D, Samanda, er Samantha struts out of her office in a form-fitting orange tank dress and barks at Matt to send some invitations to the printers. He disregards her orders. She commands him to do what she asked, and reminds him that he's her assistant. They growl in each other's faces, like the "alpha dogs" Carrie blathers about in a voice-over. The phone rings. Matt barks at the caller, telling whoever it is that they "have a shitty attitude, too," and "[their] parties suck." He slams down the phone. Samantha fires him on the spot, although most New York PR assistants would get a promotion and a raise for that behavior. Samantha explains that Matt's dismissal is actually "good news" because "now [she] can fuck [him]." She grabs him and forces herself on him. They argue some more about whether to do it on the chair or the desk. As if Samantha doesn't have a bed or a fold-out sofa in her office! As if Samantha's behavior is comical and not repulsive! Whatever! (And, yeah, I know that Matt's comments showed that the sex was consensual. But everything leading up to it was incredibly creepy and practically a tacit endorsement of sexual harassment at the workplace, which is definitely not cool, IMHO.) ["And if it was a man who fired a woman so he could fuck her, no doubt the country would be outraged." -- Nicole]
Then Miranda arrives at her apartment. Carrie VO's that she invited Steve over so they could make up. He greets her and she walks in with grocery bags, explaining that she was late because of work. Her explanation gets more and more hysterical until she accidentally drops and shatters a bottle of marinara sauce on the floor. She throws down the grocery bags and explains that she can't let Steve move in because she "drops things" and she's "stubborn" and she's a poor housekeeper (what happened to the cleaning lady in the last episode?) and Steve will "see all that" and she's "scared." She doesn't want to lose him. Steve hugs her and tells her he's not going anywhere. Miranda cries on his shoulder, just like "a woman." Carrie VO's that Steve moved in a week later.
Then Carrie's voice-over segues to Charlotte's apartment, where Charlotte is "moving her 'man' into her place." Cut to the picture of Charles-lotte hanging on the wall. Charlotte appraises her male visage, as Carrie VO's that Charlotte never saw Barrett again after they macked, because she was "too embarrassed" about her aggressive, masculine behavior during his seduction. This fits Charlotte's character, but doesn't explain how she got the print from the photographer if she never had contact with him after they knocked boots. Whatever.
Cut to a stairwell. Carrie and Shawn are walking up five flights to a downtown party. Carrie whines about her need for vodka. Shawn tells her to take it easy. Carrie patronizes him by calling him "dude." I think that Shawn's bisexuality is the least of the problems in their relationship. They walk into the party. Carrie takes off her jacket to show off her ensemble: a black pleather Wilma (tm Wing Chun) dress with a big white silk flower (ugh!) pinned to the shoulder, and scrunchy gold go-go boots. Very Barbarella-goes-to-the-prom, no? Shawn tells Carrie that the party is for his ex-boyfriend Mark's new boyfriend's birthday. Carrie tries to pretend that this isn't a problem, but we all know better. Shawn introduces Carrie to Mark, who frankly isn't all that and certainly isn't even any competition for the likes of Carrie, and Mark's new significant other, Garth. Garth isn't all that either, and loses even more points from me for whining about not being introduced as Mark's partner. And Mark loses even more points for carrying around his and Garth's infant in a baby pouch (at this loud, smoky party) and telling Carrie that the baby's name is "Isabell, two l's, no 'e'," like Carrie was going to be engraving her name on jewelry in the near future or writing a check to her that night or something. Pretentious, much? Then M&G introduce Dawn and Grace, a couple of women who "just got married in Hawaii." Dawn is played by Alanis Morissette. Alanis walks to Carrie's side and expositions that her recent marriage ceremony was better than her first; she had been married to Garth. Garth explains that they were married for a year, and were "high on E for most of it." Dude, you were married to Alanis! Of course we assumed hallucinogenic drugs played a major role. Then Garth introduces Carrie to the gang's "token straight friend, Joel." Ah, but even Joel isn't all that straight because the first words out of his mouth to Carrie are, "Are you wearing pleather?" Carrie thanks him "for noticing." Um, why didn't he ask, "What's up with that big fugly flower?"
Then Carrie and Shawn are talking. Carrie asks him to explain for her, yet again, the histories and relationships of the people at the party. Basically, we're led to believe that most of the folks at the party slept/dated/lived with one another at some point in time, regardless of gender. Carrie's voice-over explains, "Gay, bi, straight. This party was a veritable pu-pu platter of sexual orientations." Because "pu-pu platter" is funny to hear and say. And because we're finally seeing those licentious, sexually ambiguous twentysomethings Carrie's been fretting about for the last twenty minutes. Except most of the party folk look to be Carrie's age or older. I mean, the actors playing Garth and Mark are both balding and Alanis looks, as usual, like she's been sucked through a narrow rusty pipe. Whatever.
An extra comes up with a wine bottle, exclaiming, "Time to play!" Shawn tells Carrie that the game is spin-the-bottle. Alanis appears between them and monotones, "Yes come play it's fun." Hey, Alanis, you oughtta know: Give up acting now. Even the baby playing Isabell-no-'e' could've read a cue card better than that.
Cut to the spin-the-bottle game. Game-announcement-girl necks with a dreadlocked guy. The bottle spins. Alanis necks with the dreadlocked guy. Alanis spins the bottle. Carrie lights a cigarette. Suddenly there's a hush from the game-players. This is where I thought the big joke would be that these sexually liberal, progressive "kids" would bust all over Carrie for smoking cigarettes and throw her ass out of the party. But it turns out that the bottle is pointing at Carrie. Carrie thinks it's a "do-over" because the kiss would be girl-girl. Alanis says, "It's okay." She crawls toward Carrie in slow-motion. Carrie VO's that she had become "Alice in Confused Sexual Orientation Land." Instead of walking out because she's an "old fart," Alanis macks with Carrie, as Carrie VO's that she "decided to fall down the rabbit hole" Who wouldn't be thinking about hiding out in a deep, dark cave to take their minds off of that? The partygoers smirk and applaud. Carrie says the kiss "wasn't bad, kinda like chicken." Huh. Judging from the histrionic video performances given by Alanis, I've always likened her to ham, but whatever. Alanis smirks at Carrie. Carrie gets weirded out and tells Shawn that she's leaving to "get more cigarettes."
Cut to Carrie on the stairwell, lighting up a cig. She says that she never saw Shawn after that night. Or, for that matter, the Generation Y-ers from the party, either. She "realized that they could do whatever they wanted but deep down, [she] was too old to play this game." Carrie struts off into the night, taking her "hot old fart ass home. But that's just [her]." Make that "rude old fart ass," Carrie. If you have more than three dates with someone and had sex with that person, you should break up with them face-to-face, instead of skulking off to buy smokes, intending never to return. But that's just me.
week: Miranda's still a brittle, neurotic shrew. Samantha dates a black guy and causes a racially-motivated catfight, so perhaps the Rev. Al Sharpton might be the guest star. Charlotte's new beau sucks face, literally. And Chris in the Morning won't date Carrie unless she gives up smoking.