Sarah Jessica's spandex and tulle number might not surpass Molly Ringwald's Pretty in Pink prom dress as the most unflattering rosy-hued frock of all time, but it's definitely a contender. End credits.
We see a montage of Bill Kelly, Mr. Politico from last episode, campaigning while Carrie expositions in voice-over that she's been following him on the campaign trail and dating him for "three weeks now." Pan from Bill shaking hands with construction workers over to Carrie looking demure in straight hair, huge round sunglasses, and a beige wrap dress with a wide collar. She explains that her role as First Girlfriend-in-Tow required her to don "vintage Halston and [do] a spin on Jackie Kennedy -- the early years." Um, where's the pillbox hat? I think Carrie's gotten the First Lady look confused with the later Jackie O period, and the only spinning going on is Jackie whirling around in her grave so fast that if we added sugar everyone could have cotton candy.
Cut to Carrie looking bored in a classroom while Bill tells some schoolkids that he's running for city comptroller. Then we cut to Carrie standing backstage and clapping listlessly while Bill prattles on about his platform. There's a weak running gag about the campaign manager foisting Bill's buttons on her to wear; she deflects him at the speech by revealing that she's wearing one concealed under one of her big red tissue-paper home craft flower accessories. I think a Mondale/Ferraro button would look infinitely more stylish than that thing, but whatever. ["I'm really hoping this isn't a trend through the whole season." -- Nicole] Carrie explains in voice-over that she and Bill are simpatico because she's about Fashion and he's about Politics; they both involve "recycling shopworn ideas and making them seem fresh and exiting." If things don't work out with Mr. Politico, I could see her dating someone in television.
Cut to Carrie and Bill macking in her apartment. They banter about a "proposition" on the "ballot" which he'll "back." He drags her over to the bed, where we briefly see her "political consciousness [being] raised." Very wry double entendres, no? I'll give this ep extra points if salacious use is made of the term "gerrymandering."
Then we see Steve and Miranda walking along the sidewalk at night. He presses her for a movie date in his raspy Joe Pesci voice. Miranda makes like she's unavailable and will have "to see." He wonders if she has a date. She says that if she were dating someone else, she wouldn't share that information with him. Whatever! If Steve really was just Miranda's friend, then of course she'd be able to talk freely. Miranda, honey, you're in a relationship whether you like it or not. Grow up. Steve says he wants to see her "exclusively." Miranda replies with a stunned, strained smile. She'll "think about" it. Steve repeats his desire to be "exclusive." Miranda: "Okay. I hear ya!" They walk on, arm in arm, with Steve beaming and Miranda looking uncertain. Carrie's voice-over tells us that Miranda was "unsure" about letting Steve "win by default." For one thing, stop playing games, Miranda. For another, shut up, omniscient Carrie! We can tell what's going on through Cynthia Nixon's acting, which is superlative in this scene.
The ladies who lunch. The Foursome are noshing while Charlotte expresses disbelief that Carrie's dating a politician but "isn't registered to vote." Samantha, trying not to get mauled by the large pawprints on her ugly fun fur, "totally" understands Bill's allure, because he "has the power thing going on." Carrie notes dryly that his "comptroller potential" is "hot." Heh. Charlotte offers to help Carrie with Bill's campaign. Miranda calls her on it, suggesting that Charlotte is mounting her own campaign to meet "single and rich" donors. Carrie reiterates that Bill's not running for President. Samantha thinks he's "cute" enough to run; the country needs a "good-looking man in the White House." She makes a lame quip about Nixon being ugly to prove her point. Charlotte reveals a "college crush on Dan Quayle." Carrie thinks the U.S. needs a president in "a hat." She cites chapeau-wearing FDR as a "good president." Miranda cracks, "So busy picking out a hat, he forgot to get into the war." Will you marry me, Miranda? Charlotte brings up her Quayle crush again. Carrie says, "We pretty much tried to ignore that the first time." Hee! Charlotte says "his crisp white shirts reminded [her] of [her] father." Whoa. Charlotte has Electra issues. Who knew? Samantha makes a lame quip about reading a homoerotic relationship into Bush and Quayle. Whatever. Charlotte brings up JFK's handsomeness. Carrie notes how promiscuous he was. The Kennedy references are kind of weird, since we know Sarah Jessica Parker once dated JFK Jr. Miranda brings up the Founding Fathers, and notes that they fare poorly on the "fuckable" scale. Samantha makes a lame quip about Thomas Jefferson being a fox. Everyone (onscreen) titters. ["Yeah, the slaves really loved Jefferson. Really. They literally loved him. Just ask his black descendants." -- Nicole] Carrie voice-overs that the four friends were just "women discussing politics." Yeah, we know they're superficial, but try to love them anyway.
Cut to Carrie and Miranda walking down the street. Miranda's dressed in plain, well-tailored grey separates, while Carrie is wearing this wrinkled ill-fitting blue pantsuit, a harshly-striped blouse with a huge neck bow, and a drooping polka-dotted scarf as a pocket square. She looks like the first woman dean of Clown College. ["That outfit made my eyes hurt." -- Nicole] Miranda whines as vociferously about not being able to commit to Steve as strongly as she's complained about not having a mate for the past two seasons. She says that Steve has a lot of "flaws," but a lot of "great stuff" too. Carrie suggests that she put her judgment-oriented mentality to use by making a list of pros and cons about him. This is likened to "being political" about relationships.
Back at Carrie's Bachelorette Pad, she's product-placing her Apple laptop and writing her column. Her voice-over says that she's always found politics to be "as relevant as a new Erica Jong novel." Way to bite the hand that bred you, zipless fuckhead. (Not that I'm a Jong fan, but I think she's made a large enough impact on sexual culture to get better credit on this show.) Carrie takes a drag off a cigarette and ponders the connection between politics and sex. The episode's thesis question scrolls across the screen as Carrie types, "Can there be sex without politics?"
Now that the confusion about this ep's topic has finally been cleared up, we cut to Samantha sipping a martini while perched provocatively on a barstool, not unlike those hotel-bar hookers I've seen on Silk Stalkings. A Guido-looking guy in a suit calls her "Pink Lady" and offers to buy the drink for her. She makes him promise not to use "lame lines" like that again, because Samantha doesn't want anyone horning on her lame line action. Samantha and Guido shake hands. He praises her beauty, brags about his success as a broker, and brings up a Sun Valley skiing retreat that he owns with his partners. Hard sell, much? ["You would think with all the money he has, he could at least go to John Sahag and get a decent haircut." -- Nicole] Samantha is smitten anyway. Carrie voice-overs that Samantha has been "elected" out of all of the other beautiful women candidates at the bar. Whatever. She and Guido exchange business cards and make plans for dinner Friday. Guido hops off his barstool to leave after he gets paged. We see that he's only about five feet tall, if not shorter. Samantha's face falls even lower than Guido's height as they say goodnight and confirm their date. Guess we'll be calling him Weedo for now on.
Political soiree. Samantha, Carrie, and Charlotte stand near the refreshment table and debate the definitions of "dwarf," "midget," and "little person." Charlotte's in a black cocktail dress, Carrie's in a flesh-colored tank with an orange tissue flower, and Samantha's wearing a white zip-up sweater with a shoulder-grazing collar. Samantha frets about her upcoming date regardless, and calls Weedo a "munchkin." Carrie chastises her for being "politically incorrect" considering the setting. Charlotte goes off to "mingle." Carrie's voice-over reminds us that Charlotte intends "to be elected wife before the year was out." Does everyone GET that Charlotte's going to be married this season? Because these bits of foreshadowing are about as bombastic as that The Perfect Storm preview, and nearly as ominous.
Steve and Miranda arrive. This must be a Republican fund-raiser, because like Charlotte's and Samantha's, Miranda's hair has been teased up to Jesus. She asks Carrie why they should support Bill's campaign. Carrie spouts the usual voice-of-change gobbledygook, then admits, "I'm sleeping with him." Steve: "Good enough." Heh. Carrie walks the couple over to Bill and introduces them. Steve asks Bill to fix some parking tickets for him if he's elected; he owes the city five hundred bucks. Miranda gives him a "shut up, honey" stare. Steve insists he's just joking. He goes to fetch her a drink. Miranda bitches to Carrie about Steve's "dumb jokes" being a "con," but praises his "cute butt" as a "pro." Excuse me? Miranda's jokes are just as cringe-worthy, if not more so, and y'all haven't kicked her to the curb.
Cut to Samantha telling a bewildered partygoer that she doesn't believe in political parties, "just parties." Case in point.
Charlotte sits on a couch with a supposedly eligible man, blathering about Lichtenstein. Cue his fiancée to pop up and introduce herself. Charlotte's eyes bug. Foiled again!
Carrie greets Stanford, her token witty gay confidante. He says he can't stay at the party long; he has tickets to The Vagina Monologues. Carrie: "Why?" Stanford: "Just because I don't eat at the restaurant, doesn't mean I can't hear the specials." Hee! Stanford makes a much better accessory than those goddamn tacky tissue flowers; can we have more of him, please? ["I'm waiting for him to appear at some point wearing a big-ass flower on his lapel." -- Nicole] Bill comes up to Carrie and takes a gulp from her martini. Carrie introduces the men. Stanford says he represents "the queer vote" and tells Bill that he needs to win over Chelsea to get elected. Bill: "I'm not worried about Chelsea. Have you seen my ass?" Way to stereotype gay men as shallow, over-sexed male Samanthas, Bill. SHUT UP! Stanford doesn't share my opinion, because he looks at Bill's ass and pledges his vote. Whatever. Bill's campaign manager comes up and directs him over to a donor. Stanford asks Carrie to "fix [him] up" with the campaign manager. Carrie wonders how Stanford knows Campaign Manager is gay. The hell? Miss Premier Sex Columnist doesn't know about gaydar? Stanford says he saw CM rollerblading on Eighth Avenue. Stanford plaintively asks, "Please?" Carrie: "Great. Now I'm a First Lady and a pimp." Yeah, Jackie Kennedy and Bobby Kennedy all rolled into one. Carrie walks over to CM and does that stupid "my friend thinks you're cute" shtick, which has never failed to chafe my ass. Why go out with someone who isn't confident enough to approach you themselves? CM looks over in Stanford's direction, but thinks that Carrie is talking about this blond guy standing near Stanford who looks like a cross between Steve Sanders from and Dumb Ricky from the last episode. Carrie says that CM's secret admirer isn't the "blond with the great arms" but the "bald guy with the great sense of humor." CM declines the offer. Carrie walks over to Stanford and lets him down easy by telling him that CM isn't gay after all. She realizes she's "getting good at politics." As she turns around to lead Stanford away, we see that she has a major Della Reese, poorly highlighted, wig-upon-wig hair-don't going on with her mop. ["Note to self: go back to hairstylist who convinced me that highlights only in the front are hip and sexy, and poke her eyes out with her styling tools." -- Nicole]
Back on the sofa, Charlotte's gotten sloppily, sentimentally drunk and is praising the engaged couple for finding each other. They tell her that they met at a party where the women all brought "men they weren't interested in [sic]." Charlotte loves the idea of another woman's "trash" becoming her "treasure."
Later, Carrie and Bill have a post-coital discussion in her bed. He sings her praises and lauds her lovemaking. Is there anything she wants or needs that he isn't currently doing? She can't think of anything. She lobs the question back at him. He confesses that he'd like it if they took a shower together, got all "fresh and clean," and then "let [her] pee on [him]." Well, at least she wouldn't have to put newspaper down. Carrie stares at the ceiling, suddenly perturbed.
Cut to the Foursome waiting in line for a movie. Miranda warns Carrie, who's sporting fun fur and a blue faux flower in the lapel, that piss might be the tip of the iceberg of Bill's sexually perverse proclivities. Samantha thinks that his request is "typical of men in power"; they secretly seek to be humiliated. Charlotte wonders how Carrie held Bill off. She says that she told him, "I just went but maybe I can go another time." She knows her stalling tactic won't work forever. Samantha makes the confab all about her, revealing that she peed on a guy once during sex, but it was an "accident." Gee, thank you for telling us that. The foursome titter about the situation. Carrie quips, "The princess and the pee," a pun I wasn't even shameless enough to propose as a blurb title for this episode. Charlotte tells Carrie that if she's planning on dumping Bill, she should bring him to the "secondhand suitor" party she's throwing that weekend. Samantha decides to bring Weedo. Carrie cracks wise about Samantha "dating a munchkin while [she's] following the yellow brick road." Owen stays on theme and quips about the flying monkeys emitting from his ass.
Carrie has a date with Bill at an Indian restaurant, and she does Komedy by eating hot curry while trying to avoid drinking liquids to prevent Bill from going for the golden shower that night. He tells her that he won't be able to sleep over, so she gulps down a glass of water greedily. I know this is all for comic effect, but having Carrie not being able to be forthright about a sexual practice goes completely against the conception of her character. Besides, nothing in this scene is half as funny as that ludicrous pink sequined choker with the attached burgundy flower (natch) around her neck. ["I liked the fact that her water was in a yellow glass." -- Sars]
Charlotte's "used date" party. Carrie shows up with Stanford. Charlotte chastises her for "making a mockery" of her party. Samantha shows up and introduces Weedo while he's completely invisible behind the drape of her fun fur. Charlotte excuses herself to meet her "eligible" guests. Samantha bolts too. Carrie gapes at the "Thank you for not smoking" flier that Charlotte has pasted to the wall. Heh.
Cut to Carrie blowing cigarette smoke out the kitchen window as Miranda arrives. Miranda wanted to check out her options before making the final decision about Steve's list. She glances over at Weedo and Stanford making drinks.
Cut to Charlotte flirting with a burr-headed guy who's insisting that she visit Cuba. He'll email her some pictures from his trip. She seems fascinated.
Elsewhere, Weedo is approached by a Bitter Woman who informs him that this party is full of ex-girlfriends trying to fix up their ex-boyfriends. Weedo says he's someone's date. BW tells him to "get a clue." Weedo walks up to Samantha and blows his top. She was hoping he would meet someone his own size. Instead of drop-kicking her into the Hudson for her behavior and offensive remark, he offers her sex right then and there, insisting that he's a "Jolly Green Giant" in the sack. Samantha decides to grant him a pity fuck.
In the kitchen, Carrie tries to get Stanford to leave with her. He prefers to linger, because if the women at the party don't want the men, "there might be something left for [him]." Carrie fails to see the logic in this, as I do, because she bolts. Stanford, what are we going to do with you?
Cut to Charlotte talking with Burr Head about his travels some more. Suddenly another woman shows up. BH introduces her as his ex. Charlotte thanks her for bringing a "wonderful man." The jealous ex asks for a word with BH, then starts to mack with him in the bedroom on top of all of the coats while Charlotte makes scrunchy displeasure faces. Carrie's voice-over tells us what's going on seven minutes after WE GOT IT.
Samantha does it with Weedo. Carrie's voice-over quips that Weedo "made up for his shortcomings" and conveys Samantha's later evaluation that it was like doing it with "a horny Smurf." Smurf references? That's about as hip and cutting-edge as the playing of Sheryl Crow's "A Change Will Do You Good" over the last few scenes. I thought I'd spare y'all by not mentioning this, but couldn't hold back. ["And is that a good evaluation or not? Are Smurfs sexy? Are they known for their sexual prowess? Or are they just horny all the time since there's only one Smurfette?" -- Nicole]
Miranda does it with Steve. ["I was shocked to see a nipple shot there. I just wasn't expecting that!" -- Nicole] Carrie's voice-over tells us that he was "stuffing her ballot box." Why don't you just come right out and say that "he canvassed her area" and "she gave him her endorsement," Carrie? Anyway, in a post-coital, Steve tells Miranda that he doesn't want to push her on the "monogamy thing," but she's the "best woman he ever met" and he "loves" her. Carrie tells us that Steve thusly provided the "pro" for Miranda that "outweighed all the cons."
Cut to Samantha and Weedo on a dinner date. Carrie's voice-over tells us that Samantha has "put her heels in storage." Weedo gets up to go the "boys' room." Samantha sees that the label on the sportscoat draped on his chair reads "Bloomingdale's Boys Department." Carrie tells us that Samantha was "stunned," and yep, we see a stunned Samantha grabbing her fun fur and bolting out of the restaurant. ["And she was wearing heels. So much for consistency." -- Nicole] Weedo accosts her near the exit and asks what's the big. She lies and says she's not feeling well. Then she confesses that she doesn't want "to lead [him] on." Weedo reminds her that he made her come "five times the other night." Wow, thanks for sharing. Samantha finally admits that the boys' department label freaked her out. Weedo wonders if she shops at the "big and tall whore's store." She calls him "a big dick with a little man attached." They decide that their shared interest in lame quips and poor skills at badinage can overcome their height difference. Carrie voice-overs that Samantha dated Weedo for another two weeks, which was a "long" time for her. Owen quips that the Weedo subplot wasn't "short" enough.
At Carrie's Pad, she and Bill have done the nasty. He gets up and suggests they take a shower. He jumps into the stall while she grimaces into the camera, pulls a bedsheet around her, and follows him into the bathroom. Carrie sits on the john and comes clean with him about "the peeing thing." It's not her style, but she offers to dribble warm tea on him instead. Or she'll run water, or leave the bathroom door open for him. But she admits she's still uncomfortable about all of this, and I'm still not buying that her character would bat an eyelash when confronted with this issue. Then Bill pulls back the curtain and tells Carrie that he has a confession also. His campaign staff has told him that since her columns are "all about sex," it's "kind of seamy" for him to be dating her so close to the election. Carrie: "Wait. I might write about sex, but you like people to pee on you." Bill shrugs and reasons that no one knows about his sexual preferences. Carrie absorbs the fact that she was the one who just got pissed upon.
Cut to Carrie in front of her lap-top. Her voice-over explains that her "bravest political act" was her decision "to tell the truth." Cut to Bill reading her column, entitled "To Pee Or Not To Pee," and blanching. Carrie admits that she didn't print Bill's name, because "it was more political not to." She moves a file named "Politician" over to the Recycle Bin on her desktop and closes her computer with a smug look on her face. She might as well trash her "Professionalism" file too. Whatever.
week: Samantha's still an unapologetic slut. Charlotte hates her thighs. Miranda's new cleaning lady sprays some Sin-B-Gone. Paying homage to The Women, Carrie bares her painted talons at Natasha, Mr. Big's new wife, in a designer fitting room. Jungle Red!