Before the show starts, there's a half-hour premiere party show hosted by Karen "I really do wear Almay" Duffy, and basically it's just a bunch of people that work on other shows on HBO telling Duff that they think Sex and the City is the greatest show ever and how they can totally relate to the characters on the show, and how the show has been able to let people be more open about talking about sex. Whatever. ["Word. Shut up, y'all! Karen was shouting at everyone and they were yelling back so loudly I thought for a minute that I was still watching Malcolm in the Middle." -- Owen] Duff then interviews the two women in charge of wardrobe, Patricia and Rebecca Field. Patricia is an old bat with candy-apple red hair, and I'm assuming Rebecca is her hairy-armpitted daughter. They talk about how they dressed the girls in Dior, Dolce & Gabbana, and Kavali (and I have no idea if I spelled these names correctly), and the clothes look very seventies, which sort of scares me. According to people who went to this premiere party, this show starts fashion trends, and I would be a little uncomfortable wearing some of the fugly outfits they were showing off. we get to see the new drink for this season, which is a French Martini that Sarah Jessica Parker has lovingly renamed the "Flirtini." Yeah, I'll flirt your tini. Duff then interviews the writers of the show, and they tell her that they get their stories from their own dating and sex lives and from people who tell them their own stories. So, I guess this show is a dramatization of real-life stories, but with good-looking people. ["And Sarah Jessica Parker." -- Owen] So then there's more talk about how real the show is (because now we know they use real stories!) and how great the show is, yadda yadda yadda, start the show already!
So the show finally starts, and they use the same old credits with Carrie walking down the street in a ballerina outfit looking smug, until she gets splashed by the bus with her picture on it.
The girls are on a ferry on their way to Staten Island. The voiceover tells us that Carrie has been asked to judge a FDNY calendar competition, and since she can't go anywhere without her girlfriends and it is a place where they haven't slept with half the male population, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha come along. They are all bundled up, so we are supposed to know it's cold, and Miranda is wearing a full-length fur coat; Samantha is wearing some full-length, blood-red fur-looking monstrosity; Carrie is wearing some long, white Helen Keller Original that has no rhyme or reason to its design; and Charlotte is wearing a simple pink felt jacket, to symbolize her innocence. They start whining about having to leave Manhattan to meet men, and Miranda wonders, "Who would have thought an island that tiny would be big enough to hold all our old boyfriends?" No kidding -- and Manhattan isn't even that tiny. It's just that they all get around faster than the blades of a helicopter. ["The island of Manhattan is infinitesimal compared to the 'rescue' metaphors in this ep." -- Owen]
So now they are at the bar where the firemen are on stage dancing like a bunch of no-rhythm-having fools, and the place is jam-packed with women sweating and squealing. Carrie and some other people are sitting at a table up front judging, and Carrie gives the guy on stage a "6." There is one man judging and he asks Carrie if the guy on stage is hot, and in a voiceover we find out that the man is Bill Kelley, a divorced politician running for comptroller and the token male judge. He keeps staring at Carrie, and she tells him to watch the men. Gee, I wonder where this is going?
Samantha is up by the front of the stage, and she waves Miranda and Charlotte over. Miranda gives Samantha a big glass of something, and tells her that they don't make Cosmopolitans so she got Staten Island Ice Teas. Samantha asks if that's the same as a Long Island Ice Tea, and they all take a sip of their drinks. Miranda swallows, looks up and says, "Hello. I'm drunk." I guess it is more powerful than a Long Island Ice Tea, because I've had some L.I. Ice Teas recently, and they did nothing to me. Or maybe the bartenders in central Virginia need to take a trip up north to learn how to make a drink. So Charlotte is all embarrassed to be so close to the stage and she wants to move back, and Miranda tells her that she won't be able to see the guys from the back of the room. Charlotte doesn't know why Miranda wants to look at the guys since she has Steve, and Miranda informs her that she doesn't "have" Steve, that they are just friends. Samantha looks at Miranda and tells her the two of them are just friends, but she doesn't put her dick in her. Miranda takes another sip of her drink and tells Samantha that after another drink, she may let her. So, Samantha has a dick? Is it a strap-on? Will they show that on HBO? I can see that on Cinemax, but I don't know about HBO . . . So then Rick Fantucci comes on stage to look embarrassed and bounce around and sway his hips side to side, and the announcer says that Ricky is from lower Manhattan. Samantha's loins ignite, and she exclaims that she would love to show him her lower Manhattan, then yells out, "Hello, 911? I'm on fire!" Get that drink away from you, Samantha! You could explode! Honestly, I don't know why she thinks this guy is so hot. He looks like he fell off the fire truck ladder onto his head a few too many times.
The judging seems to be over now, and all the girls are dancing together under a disco ball, and Carrie tells us through a voiceover that being on Staten Island is like being in a quaint European country. The American music is twenty years behind, and you can smoke anywhere. But the important question about Staten Island is, how big is the hair? ["Frankly, I'll take seventies disco over today's club tripe any day of the week, and I wanted to clunk the foursome's heads together for dancing with their noses in their air and their purses on their arms like the Queen of England." -- Owen]
Samantha walks up to Ricky and asks him where she could buy a FDNY shirt like the one he's wearing. Proving that he did fall off the ladder a few too many times, Ricky doesn't notice Samantha's blatant flirting and starts to tell her about some stores in the city that sell the shirts. He sounds like Mike Tyson. Instead of running away, Samantha introduces herself and makes small talk (like you can make big talk with this guy?) about what month he will be on the calendar.
Carrie walks up to the bar, and Bill the politician comes up to her and asks for a cigarette. He offers to buy her a beer, and after some protest finally gets her to let him buy her a Sam Adams. They talk about the men they judged, and he asks her why she used half points. She gets all mysterious on him and tells him, "What can I say? Sometimes a girl needs a half." Yeah, half a brain to figure out that she's going to end up in bed with him eventually. Bill's dorky politician side comes out, and he asks what district she lives in. She tells him she doesn't vote, so he asks where she lives. She tells him, and he is all excited that she lives in his district, and asks for her phone number. She tells him she is just out with friends and not into dating at the moment. He asks her if she had a bad breakup, and she just looks shocked that he figured her out, and then shakes her hair. Even dumb Ricky could have figured out that if someone isn't interested in dating, it is probably because she had a bad experience dating recently. Bill then asks her to have dinner with him.
Cut to Carrie walking over to Miranda and telling her that it's time for them to leave because the politician is hitting on her. Miranda tells her Samantha went home with dumb Ricky, and when they look around to find Charlotte, they see her in the middle of the dance floor with a Staten Island Ice Tea in her hand, dancing and singing along with the seventies song that is playing. Oh, those wacky drinks! What will they make Charlotte do ?
The three of them are on the ferry, and Charlotte is swinging around a pole, telling Miranda and Carrie that she thinks she is pretty and smart, and she's all, "I'm a catch!" Carrie agrees with her, and Charlotte then tells Carrie that she is going to meet the perfect guy and get married. Charlotte then hangs over the edge of the ferry and yells out that she is going to get married this year. Miranda tells Carrie, "If she falls over, I will never stop laughing." Neither will we, Miranda. Carrie holds onto Charlotte's coat so she doesn't fall off the ferry. In this scene, you can see that Carrie is wearing an aqua and white striped top, pink pants with huge cuffs, and gold lamé go-go boots. Egads! Carrie was making fun of the music being twenty years behind in Staten Island, but she sure seems to be dressing twenty years behind.
Meanwhile, back at Samantha's house of lust, she and dumb Ricky are going at it, and he is tossing her around while she is yelling in ecstasy. I'm hoping her eyes are closed during this, because I would not want to see the "sex feels good" looks that appear on dumb Ricky's face.
The morning the gang is at a restaurant having breakfast, and Charlotte has a nasty hangover. Samantha wants to tell them all about how wet she got and how big Ricky's cock is. They tell her they don't want to hear about it until cocktail hour. Cock, cocktail hour -- oh, the sassy dialogue! Samantha tells them that Ricky fulfilled her fantasy, and Charlotte says she thinks it is wrong to sleep with a man to fulfill a fantasy. Well, what if your fantasy is just to get laid? Would sleeping with someone be wrong then? Samantha explains to us all that all the men they sleep with fulfill a certain fantasy. For Charlotte it is a man with a nice apartment and big stock portfolio, for Samantha it is a fireman with a big hose. Yeah, and a voice like Mike Tyson, and a face that has seen the receiving end of the ugly stick. Miranda then asks why firemen are always so cute. I guess Miranda's eye-sight wasn't that good standing close to the stage either. Carrie tells her it's the hero thing, and that they have an "I'm a good guy" look in their eyes. Charlotte announces that "it's because really women just want to be rescued." The three of them stare at her and the voiceover says, "There it was. The sentence independent single women in their thirties are never supposed to think, let alone say out loud." Before I go any further, I refuse to believe that Samantha is only in her thirties. I'll give her thirty-nine, but nothing less. If she is younger, I guess all that time being the city bicycle has really aged her. ["Kim Cattrall is forty-three." -- Sars] So Charlotte looks at the girls and is all, "I'm sorry but it's true. I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?! My hair hurts." Girlfriend, nothing looks promising when you are hanging over, let alone your love life. Have some crackers and a ginger ale, and buck up, little camper! Charlotte puts her head down on the table. Carrie tells them that she thinks that maybe they are the white knights, and they have to save themselves.
Carrie is now in front of her computer, smoking, and is wondering if there is a white knight for every woman. The words "do women just want to be rescued?" appear on her computer screen.
Miranda is at her eye doctor, and the doctor tells her that after her laser eye surgery, she will be sedated and her vision will be blurred, so she will need someone to take her home. Miranda is all independent and thinks that she can get herself home, and tells the doctor how excited she is about being able to see without glasses for the first time in her life. Now she'll be able to hang out in the back of bars while firemen dance on stage! It's a dream come true!
Miranda and Steve are walking down the street at night, and Miranda is describing her laser surgery procedure to him, and it is sounding gross, so to stop her from talking about it, he starts to kiss her. (Note to self: If I want a guy to kiss me, start talking about laser eye surgery procedures.) Steve asks her if she wants him to come and hold her hand or help her in any way during the procedure, and she tells him that she's going to ask Carrie to help her. Steve seems hurt that she won't let him help her, and he wants to know what their deal is. Miranda changes the subject by talking about the surgery again, and he starts kissing her again. I don't know why, but I find Steve creepy. He seems to be trying to be a good boyfriend, but I just can't explain why he gives me the heebie-jeebies. ["He's an improvement on Skippy, her first-season beau, believe me." -- owen]
Apparently, Charlotte is over her hangover because she and Carrie go to an uptown bar so she can meet the man of her dreams. They sit at the bar and start scoping out some men when some loser comes over and tries to buy Charlotte a drink. She tells him they were just leaving, and they move to the other end of the bar. When they sit down again, you can see that Carrie is wearing a black jacket with a HUGE brown flower on it. The hell? The loser finds them again, and this time offers to buy both of them drinks. One of the guys Charlotte was scoping out comes over and tells the loser to leave Charlotte and Carrie alone. The loser won't listen to the guy, so the guy knocks him out. Charlotte is all impressed. I'm thinking the guy needs a haircut, since he has a shaggy mullet-like hairdo going on. The voiceover tells us that the guy's name is Arthur and he's an investment banker, and that maybe there really were white knights. Hey, I wonder if Arthur has a friend named Lance. Carrie can change her name to Gwen, and they can all live happily ever after!
Carrie is now walking down the street, wearing snakeskin go-go boots (what's with all the go-go boots?) and holding three shopping bags. Her voiceover says that she went shopping for shoes to feel better about not having a boyfriend. Boyfriend, schmoyfriend! Anytime is a good time to buy shoes! Bill the politician is sitting outside on her apartment steps, and he tells her he brought her some voter registration forms. Dude, that is no way to pick up chicks. I don't even think that would work with Clinton. Carrie tells him, "You're like a Jehovah's witness with a good suit." He then gets all Nosey Parker on her and asks what she bought and then asks to see the shoes she got. ["Okay. We meet him judging a male strip show, now he wants to check out Carrie's new pumps. I couldn't help but think that he might belong to my church." -- owen] She won't show them to him, but he asks her to go out with him anyway. He has to go to a political dinner in Staten Island again and wants her to go with him. She says no, and he tells her he will drive by at seven, and if she's interested she can come with him. Too bad Arthur the white knight wasn't there to knock out Bill when he wouldn't take no for an answer.
Carrie's voiceover tells us that since she had a deadline to meet, she couldn't help Miranda, so Miranda decided to do it alone, and wrote important phone numbers, like the doctor and Chinese food delivery, on big cards with magic marker.
Charlotte is at brunch with Arthur, and they talk about Harvard and find out they know some of the same people. The person behind Charlotte bumps her as he gets up from his table, and she spills some of her wine. Arthur gets up and starts telling the guy how rude he is, and he starts a fight with the guy. He starts punching the guy, and when a waitress tries to stop it he almost decks her, and she screams and runs away. Well, the guy did make Charlotte spill her wine -- that's alcohol abuse! Carrie tells us that Charlotte realized her date wasn't a man who came to the rescue, he was a man who started fights, and "Charlotte's white knight changed into a white nightmare" as she runs out of the restaurant. I guess there will be no fairy tale wedding for Charlotte and Arthur.
Miranda wakes up from her procedure, and her vision is all blurry. Steve walks in and tells her that Carrie called him. He asks her if she is okay, and she tells him, "I'm on Valium. Everything is okay." She puts on some goggles and gets up to leave, and won't let Steve help her.
Carrie's voiceover tells us, "One cab ride and two potent sleeping pills later, Steve put Miranda to bed." Miranda flops into her bed, yelling that she doesn't want to be rescued. We got it with the white knight/rescue thing already! Steve gets it too, and he lets Miranda go into bed with all her clothes and shoes on and walks off. The morning she wakes up, and sees Steve lying to her. Carrie tells us, "For the first time in her life, she saw things clearly." Miranda lies back down and holds Steve's hand. Yeah, we can see it too -- this analogy about getting saved is getting old!
Samantha goes to dumb Ricky's firehouse to hang out with him during his shift, thinking it's going to be full of hunky firefighters, but she only finds old overweight men watching TV while Ricky is making chili, and she is not thrilled. Carrie tells us, "This was not the firehouse fantasy Samantha had in mind. Samantha's rescue fantasy was suddenly something she needed to be rescued from." Someone rescue me from the rescue storyline! ["Somebody save me from the goddamn spelling-it-all-out-for-us voiceover! Is the show's target audience sexually active, mentally challenged adults? -- owen]
As Samantha is fretting, Bill is leaving a message on Carrie's answering machine as she is in her bedroom all dressed up to go out, smoking a cigarette and looking out her window at Bill's car parked in front of her building. Bill is counting down from ten, and he says that when he gets to one he is going to leave. He counts down to one and a half, adding, "Sometimes a girl needs a half." So he was listening! He then leaves, and at this point my husband looks at me and asks me why Carrie is all dressed up if she didn't go out with Bill. Carrie decides to call Miranda and ask why she got dressed up but let Bill leave for Staten Island without her. Miranda tells my husband that Carrie is terrified of getting hurt again. The voiceover tells us again, "There it was. The phrase single independent women in their thirties are never supposed to think, let alone say out loud." My husband is satisfied with that answer, so Carrie hangs up with Miranda and takes the ferry to Staten Island and goes to the restaurant where Bill is attending his political dinner. She tells Bill that it isn't a date, that she is just a concerned citizen. He takes her hideous coat, and she tells him it was a bad break-up, so she needs to take it slow. So, what does that mean? Sex on the second date?
Dumb Ricky is looking for Samantha by the fire truck, and Samantha slides down the pole and says to him, "Nice pole. Want to see it again?" See what again? I guess that made sense to Ricky, since we see the two of them naked, going at it against the side of the fire truck, with Carrie telling us that "Samantha rode the pole a couple of times that night." Just seeing Ricky's ass clenching was too much for me, I didn't need to hear about poles being ridden too. After doing it, Samantha finds the firemen's boots and pants set up around the truck, and she puts a set on and has the suspenders conveniently covering her boobies. The alarm goes off, and the firemen run down to the truck and put on their clothes. The guy whose pants and boots Samantha has on starts screaming at her to take them off since there's a fire, and she gets all flustered and is standing in the room with only a sheer pair of underwear on as the firemen drive off, and as she is trying to find her clothes, an old couple walks by the firehouse and laughs at her. Carrie tells us, "Samantha learned there was quite a difference between a rescue fantasy and a rescue reality." Yeah, in the fantasy she comes off as a sweet lover, in reality she comes off as a dumb skank.
Bill and Carrie are in the restaurant coat room, where there seem to be too many fur coats. I know it is supposed to be cold, but not that many women have furs. It looked like the only coat without fur on it was Carrie's. As Bill is helping Carrie put on her ugly-ass coat, he offers to drive her to the ferry, but she declines. All of a sudden they start making out and pulling down some fur coats onto the floor. Nice way to treat the people you're trying to get votes from, Bill. Just throw their furs around. I guess you could say that the fur was flying! Okay, maybe not. Bill wants Carrie to go home with him, but she tells him that kissing is enough for that night and she starts to leave, telling him it's almost midnight and she will miss the last ferry. Oh, Lord, don't tell me we are going to have a Cinderella/white knight thing here now.
We're going to have a Cinderella/white knight thing here now. As the clock is striking twelve, the ferry is leaving, and Carrie runs for it but loses one of her shoes, and the ferry floats off without her. Bill drives up just then and offers her a ride, and she accepts. The voice-over tells us, "Well, he didn't have a horse, but he did have a BMW with a working heater. So I guess a woman sometimes absolutely has to be rescued." When she gets in the car, she tells him he's taking her to her apartment, and that is it. He's all, "For now." Think highly of yourself much, Bill? He asks her how to get off Staten Island, and she starts to give him directions as the voice-over tells us, "And sometimes a woman absolutely has to rescue a man. At least, that's how it ends in this Staten Island Ferry tale." See what they did there? Ferry tale, fairy tale. And they lived happily ever after. Until week.