The show opens with JD rudely shutting down an elderly patient who is trying to take charge of her medical care by determinedly asking for a pelvic exam. In these days of managed care and HMOs taking away our choice of doctors and our right to see specialists, and the insurance companies deciding what prescriptions we can take, we should be glad to see an empowered patient. But I'm not, 'cause ew. Pelvic exams? For a cold. Ew ew ew. JD is grossed out, too, particularly when she makes a few more pointed references to his lady bumps or whatever he has going on under those baggy scrubs. I assume he looks like a Ken doll. Feel free to email me evidence to the contrary. JD voice-overs that Mrs. Crocker wasn't the only one being overly aggressive. Seems that ever since Turk visited his brother last month he has been acting "more Alpha Male than ever." Apparently being Alpha Male involves some sort of primogenitur urge to wrestle for the remote in the breakroom. It also involves The Todd in a multi-color banana hammock, an image that has now been permanently burned into my retinas. Thank you writers! Needless to say The Todd is not built like a Ken doll.
Dr. Kelso is being his normal self. Read: Informing a patient that he doesn't care that he has been waiting two hours to be seen by a doctor. He then thanks the patient for letting him think about it. Zoinks! Kelso then asks the room at large whether there is anyway to get the patients to settle down when the waiting room is overcrowded and backed up. I opine that free doughnuts, foot rubs, and premium cable would dramatically improve your average hospital waiting room, but Janitor interrupts to suggest that a duck pond in the middle of the room would make all the difference. Kelso can't imagine why he hasn't told Janitor before, but no one cares what he thinks. Aw, snap!
Janitor quickly gathers his troops (The Todd and the guy who works in the morgue) to get revenge on the evil Dr. Kelso and his cold-hearted ways. Janitor explains that it was pointed out to him that no one cares what they think, but he has a plan to get their voices heard. He is starting a newsletter called The Janitorial. The Todd asks if he can be the photographer so he has an excuse to wear his handy-dandy up-the-skirt foot cam. Janitor is going to write all the editorials, but he wants an investigative journalist to join the team. That person has to be someone who is sneaky, undetectable, and so quiet that he can listen in without anyone knowing he is there. Ted volunteers. Everyone is surprised that he is there because no one noticed him. Poor Ted.
The women's bathroom is out of order so Dr. Reed takes the brave step of using the men's room. She settles into a stall, prides herself on having her ass rated as a 9.2 on the bathroom wall, and then inadvertently eavesdrops on a phone call that Dr. Kelso is having. Seems that Kelso is being forced out of his job because the Board found out how old he is because Dr. Reed threw him a birthday party. Evil biz-atch that she is. Now she feels all guilty about getting his crusty evilness fired. But that particular guilt trip is cut short when Kelso tells her that the 9.2 rating is out of a 100. Yee-ouch!
JD wants to drop Sam off in the doctor's lounge so he can be lulled to sleep by West Side Story. Dr. Cox will allow it so long as JD promises not to snap. Turk won't let JD change the channel without Rowdy Roddy Piper-ing it up first. They wrestle and then Turk ends up awkwardly bouncing up and down on JD's tushy. It's embarrassing for everyone. So embarrassing that it makes the front page of the inaugural issue of The Janitorial! Turk and JD are proud because now everyone knows who are the best buds in the whole hospital. JD announces that Stacy and Tracy can suck it. Turk nods his head and points out that Stacy and Tracy are right there. They are little tiny girls in hospital gowns with sad eyes and dark circles and they are wearing each other's oxygen tubes. JD says they win. The vignette is interrupted when Oprah swoops in, gives the sad girls Ken Paves makeovers, and a Toyota Prius. Dr. Cox is horrified at JD's lack of manly testosterone-driven pride what with being photographed with another man jumping up and down on his heinie. What kind of role model will he be for his son? JD brushes him off with a "whatever borderline alcoholic."
Elliot attempts to apologize to Kelso and offers to go to the Board and try and get him his job back. Kelso doesn't want her help and he wants her to keep it to herself. But what fun would that be, Kelso? Obviously Carla overhears the part about it being a secret.
At The Janitorial's staff meeting Janitor tells the team that the paper is a hit and they need to get their issue out because The Janitorial is a tri-daily. He doesn't want to start the meeting until Ted gets there though. Ted is there. Poor Ted. Cox interrupts the meeting to tell Janitor that reading the paper was the first time he could actually feel himself getting stupider. I guess he's never watched an episode of The Bad Girls Club. Janitor wants to know if Cox was calling him stupid and Cox confirms that he was.
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JD is assaulted in the waiting room by Mrs. Crocker's husband who is demanding to know about the fingernail marks down his wife's back. JD is about to get his clock cleaned (and not in the helpful good for the kinetic mechanism sort of way) when Turk steps up until the man backs down. Dr. Cox has ingeniously ushered Sam out of daycare so that he can witness what a candy-ass his dad is. Where did the fingernail marks come from? Ew ew ew.
Carla continues to harass Elliott about her secret. Is she pregnant? Is it Kelso's baby? Elliott ignores her and runs some tests on her new patient and his puckered skin. Meanwhile Janitor has launched his revenge against Cox. He published a fake interview in The Janitorial wherein Cox confesses that his tough outer shell is just a cry for help and people should offer him hugs and pats on the back. Kind of like ice cream covered in Magic Shell. I could hug and pat that all day.
JD tells Turk that he didn't need his help with the crazy ass whooping patient and that he could have handled it. JD wants to be a strong male role model for Sam, but Turk says that he is going to the one to teach Sam about sports and stuff and JD is supposed to handle Izzy's emotional crap. JD isn't having it. He tries to get the remote out of Turk's hands and ends up trapped again. He uses his feelings about being trapped to empathize with Cox and Elliott's situations. How very Iron John of him. Elliott has to tell her patient that he has breast cancer. JD accidentally elbows Turk and knocks him off of him. JD grabs the opportunity to show how manly he is. How very very manly. He's a regular Mike Ditka.
Turk is looking for JD. JD is hiding from the inevitable beat down. Elliott's patient is not very into the idea of having breast cancer. What with being a dude and all. Elliott explains that anyone can get breast cancer and they should start chemo right away. She asks if she can call his brothers and he says no. He is not telling anyone about it.
Cox walks the gauntlet of shoulder clapping and hand patting until he can't take it anymore and announces that the interview was faked. No one cares, they want him to break free from his anger. They want to get through his hard magic shell to his creamy vanilla interior. Man do I want ice cream.
JD rushes into the cafeteria to use Carla as a human shield against Turk. Carla and Elliott are discussing her patient and why he won't accept any help. Carla says it is just like how Turk pretended to go visit his brother but really was getting his testicle removed and couldn't tell anyone but JD. JD has no idea what she is talking about and Turk tells Carla that he never told JD about his surgery. JD wants to know if he kept it so they could plant a nut tree in the backyard or something. What kind of fruit would grow on that? Er, don't answer that. Turk points out that Carla is gone and JD is fair game again for a beating.
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Elliott and Carla pontificate over the stupidity of men while JD and Turk chase each other around the hospital. Elliott and Carla retreat to the sanctity of the men's room to continue their discussion. When Elliott reaches for her phone to make a call, Carla tells her not to bother because there is no reception in there. Elliott realizes that Kelso used a fake phone call to ask for her help in getting his job back.
JD has put a locked door between him and Turk and Turk's need to beat him up. They use the opportunity to discuss his loss of nut. Apparently Izzy kicked him in the groin and it caused testicular torsion. JD lets Turk know that he is still manly in his eyes. Turk lets JD know that he will still be getting a beat down. JD can't accept it because he wants to look tough in Sam's eyes. Turk doesn't care. Also, Turk has named his boys. Do people do that? Huh. I know some day I am going to have one too many and ask someone at a bar if they have named theirs. I wish it wasn't going to happen, but it will. Sigh...
Anyway, JD and Turk come up with a solution based on the photo finish in Rocky III. Carla and Elliott tell Dr. Kelso that they will help him fight the Board. Dr. Cox gets the article retracted and a new one claiming he is bi-polar and grouchy is published. JD voice-overs that the male ego is complex. You know what else is complex? Magic Shell.
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