JD walks into his apartment and tells Kim, "You're amazing!" and then kisses her belly and whispers, "I love you" to the baby. He hopes Kim doesn't wonder why he hasn't said those three little words to her yet, but from the look on her face, she's totally wondering that.
Hospital. Keith still hates Elliot. A pediatrician asks Carla to give a kid a shot, and she wonders why he can't do it himself. Elliot explains that the guy is "Dr. No Shot," and that kids love him because he never gives them shots. That will be important later. Cox asks Intern Annoying Voice and another intern who I'm just going to call Joe until they tell me his name why they haven't treated a patient. Intern AV starts to explain, but Cox reminds her that they have a new system where she writes everything down so that he doesn't have to hear her voice. She writes a note about how the patient doesn't want interns treating him, and Cox is as annoyed by her girly handwriting as he is by her voice. Cox gives the interns a pep talk about how they have to treat patients in order to learn, so they should tell the patient, "I'm your doctor. Deal with it!" The interns repeat after him, but he tells AV not to talk. Joe repeats the line with absolutely no conviction whatsoever, and Cox pronounces it peachy.
JD and Turk walk out of the hospital. JD laments that he doesn't love Kim. Turk decides they should go to his place and play a war game on the XBOX. JD says he's not going to break up with Kim, because statistics say that kids are better off with an intact family. That's interesting, because most people I know who had parents who stayed together for the sake of the children wish their parents had split long ago. Carla comes in and asks if the baby is sleeping. Turk looks worried, but says she is. Carla points out that the baby is actually on her back in a carrier, and yells at Turk for failing to check on his kid because he was too busy playing videogames. She wants him to throw the XBOX out. Turk protests, and JD agrees, at least until Carla gives him the XBOX. JD's pager goes off, and he announces that he's having a baby! Right now! Well, he's not, but Kim is having his baby. You know. Anyway, Turk is excited to be a bluncle ("black uncle"). I feel like that's a shout-out to my "drunkle" mash-up from years ago. Because I do have a drunk uncle. Nice guy. Likes to drink and then pass out. Anyway, JD wants to have a three-way jumping hug even though Carla and Turk thinks it's cheesy. They try it, and all agree that it was corny. The baby doesn't mind the jiggling, which means it's the mellowest baby in the world.
Kim lies in a hospital bed, wearing a gown and not acting like she's in any kind of labor. JD is excited to meet his son, Sam. Kim just wants him to be healthy, which causes JD to fantasize about Colin Hay coming out of Kim's birth canal and playing "Down Under" for the medical personnel. Kim decides this is the right moment to talk about her feelings for JD, but before she can get very far, the doctor comes in and asks Kim if she'll be wanting an epidural. Kim will, but she hates pain so much, she wants something to reduce the pain of the epidural. The doctor laughs, and Kim snaps, "I hate her and her chipmunk-y face." JD promises that he'll be in charge of the epidural. He vows that it will feel like passing a marshmallow, which Kim thinks sounds "sticky and uncomfortable." JD tries unicorn, but Kim thinks "that's a big horse with a horn." JD finally settles on rainbow, and Kim likes that description.
Cox takes his daughter into the bedroom and tells Jordan (who's not interested) that their daughter, Jennifer, needs to go to the hospital and get a steroid shot for her rash. Jordan wonders why Cox can't do the shot at home, and Cox says that he doesn't want his daughter to see him as "just another white coat that she wil forever associate with pain." Jordan points out that babies have no memory, but acquiesces. If by "acquiesces," you mean, "turns out the light and falls asleep."
Turk calls Carla from the hospital and says he needs to be there for JD. He hangs up and announces that he needs someone to help him defeat the XBOX game. Kelso won't help, but admits that he's there because he lives in the hospital now, since his wife kicked him out. Janitor offers to play with Turk.
JD muses about cloth diapers, saying that if they were orange with black spots, Sam would look like Bam Bam Rubble. Kim starts talking about her feelings again, and JD is relieved when Dr. Cox wanders in, looking for the pediatrician. JD coos over little baby JD, and Cox wishes Kim the best and hopes the baby gets Kim's genes. After Cox leaves, JD prays that Kim doesn't remember their earlier conversation, but then in a typical JD move, he prompts her to recall it. Kim wants to know how JD feels about their relationship. JD stops her and says that she's amazing, but that he's not ready to reciprocate her feelings yet. Kim understands that she hurt JD, and that he'll need more time than her to get over it. JD is relieved that Kim isn't going to say the three little words to him, except then she totally does.
Intern AV finds Dr. Cox and starts squeaking about the pediatrician. Intern Joe takes over and says that the pediatrician wants them to give the baby the shot. Cox isn't having it. Intern Joe points out that Dr. Cox just told them to be more assertive about treating patients, and even spits his words back at him: "We're your doctors. Deal with it." Intern AV uses a totally normal voice to say the same thing. Cox wonders why she doesn't use that voice all the time, and Intern AV says it hurts her throat.
Turk and Janitor play the XBOX game. Janitor needs to know his motivation for killing the bad guys in the game, and when he does kill one, needs to stop and give a little speech for his "fallen adversary." Turk points out that Janitor's guy is getting killed while he babbles on.
JD is happy that he seems to have dodged the love bullet (name of my fifth album), but Kim isn't letting it go, and asks if JD thinks he could ever be in love with her. JD tries to put her off, but you don't mess with a woman in labor with your child. JD says that he hopes one day to feel what Kim feels. Kim sarcastically says that she always dreamed of finding a guy who could hope to love her one day. Kim screams that a lot of guys think she's a catch (really? Nine months pregnant?). JD calls her amazing again, and Kim loses her shit and asks if JD would even be with her if it weren't for the baby. JD can't answer that. Kim breaks up with him, because she deserves better. I'm still not over Kim lying about the miscarriage. Maybe JD's not either. And then Kim has a contraction and freaks out.
Dr. Cox has entrusted his daughter to Intern Joe, reluctantly. After, like, two seconds, he snatches his baby back.
Meanwhile, Carla totally busts Turk playing the videogame, and Turk says he's not stopping until he beats it.
Kim has gone from no contractions at all to being fully dilated, and now she can't have an epidural. She blames JD for that, and he repeats, "You're amazing." Okay, I want to hit him, and I'm not even in labor. Kim has another contraction and screams that she hates JD. The doctor assures JD that many laboring women say things they don't mean, but Kim reveals that JD just dumped her, and JD makes it worse by trying to explain. A nurse wearing a mask walks in and asks what's going on, and it's Laverne! I mean, it's not, because Laverne is dead, but it's the actress that played Laverne! ["SPOILER (OF SORTS) ALERT: I read last season that Bill Lawrence promised Aloma Wright, who played Laverne, that if the show returned for another season, he'd have her back as Laverne's twin sister Shirley. And it seems he is a man of his word." -- Wing Chun] JD thinks she looks familiar, but gets distracted by Kim telling him to get out, because she's going to call her backup labor coach: Elliot.
Dr. Cox has called Dr. No Shot to come in to give the shot. Dr. No Shot explains the origin of his nickname, and his rationale. Dr. Cox explains that he has the same rationale for not giving his daughter a shot. Dr. No Shot suggests asking a nurse to give it.
Turk and Janitor are still playing the game as Carla watches. Drunken Kelso watches, too. Dr. Cox shows up and asks Carla to give his daughter a shot. Carla says that her hands are shaking from rage, so she can't. Kelso says he can't either, because he's drinking scotch and he's "all Hasselhoffed out." Carla criticizes Janitor's gameplay, and he slams down the controller and leaves. Turk is mad until Carla picks up the controller and immediately starts rocking the game.
Elliot shows up and promises JD that he'll take care of Kim. She offers JD a celebratory jump-hug, but JD explains what happened earlier. Elliot thinks JD loved it but didn't want to admit it, and JD thinks that she's right. Dr. Cox comes by looking for Elliot to do the shot, but he gets kicked out of the labor room immediately. He asks JD to give the shot, and JD says he will if Dr. Cox will talk to him. Dr. Cox reluctantly agrees, but only if JD doesn't say "emotional rollercoaster." So JD leads with that phrase.
Turk is shocked that Carla is so good at the game, and Carla confesses that she used to play when she was up nights with the baby, and got addicted. Turk admits that he loves the baby, but sometimes he needs to do his own thing. Carla tells him that every parent feels that way. Kelso agrees, adding that even when his grown son visits, he wants time off. Kelso muses that it may have something to do with his son's taste in boyfriends. Kelso's phone rings, and it's his son. Turk and Carla decide to finish their game as Kelso gives his son advice about his loser boyfriends.
JD is worried that he's going to screw up his kid's life, and quotes his statistics from earlier. Dr. Cox points out that there are tons of statistics about medicine, but that they both know people who didn't fall into the majority, and who lived or died against the odds. Also, JD's parents were divorced, and JD managed to become a doctor. Cox adds, "I'm sure there's someone, somewhere who would be proud to call you their son." JD wonders if that someone is Dr. Cox, but Cox ends the conversation. He asks Carla if she's done with the game yet.
JD looks around the room at all the parents doing what parents do. Cox is still frantically looking for help for his daughter. Kelso is giving lovelife advice to his gay son. Carla helps Turk finish the game so that they can both spend more time with their baby. JD turns and runs back down the hallway, since he's realized that parenting is about sacrifice, and he needs to be willing to take some abuse for his son's sake.
JD enters Kim's room, and she starts yelling at him to get it, but JD says he's staying. The doctor cuts the cord and lifts up the baby for JD and Kim to see.
Meanwhile, Dr. Cox has found Keith to give Jennifer her shot. Turk and Carla watch the baby sleep in their apartment, and Carla confesses that she finished the game a bunch of times already.
Kim holds the baby (with a weirdly golden light) and says that even though their relationship is over, it's also beginning. JD asks to hold Sammy, and welcomes him to the world. JD as a dad? Frightening.