Remember how last season ended? Elliot and JD lay to each other in the locker room, about to kiss. And what happened ? JD VO: "So there we were. Elliot about to get married, me about to have a baby with Kim, careening toward a kiss. We were both terrified, because either one of us could back out at the last second, leaving the other kissing the air and feeling the fool." Elliot closes her eyes, and JD takes this as a sign to go for it. Except he's groping empty air, because Elliot is already on the other side of the room. JD wonders how she did that.
Elliot and JD walk and talk as they agree that what almost happened is because they're "both on the verge of making giant commitments." JD vows not to let fear screw up their relationships. JD says they don't want to end up like Snoop Dogg Intern. Snoop Dogg is offended. JD asks, "Snoop Dogg Resident." Snoop Dogg is still offended. JD, surprised: "Snoop Dog Attending?" Snoop Dog Attending confirms that he's moved up the ranks. Anyway, JD was referring to how Snoop Dogg attending gets "wowsers in his trousers" from a woman named Josephine, but won't tell her. JD wonders what he and Elliot should do now, and Elliot thinks they do nothing.
Keith waves to Elliot, and JD says, "Keith???" Elliot says, "Keith???" JD VO: "Keith??? Wait, I was already surprised out loud." I don't know. That cracked me up. Keith says he was lonely and decided to visit. Elliot VOs that she had "one of those weird crystallizing moments" where she realized that she wanted to get caught with JD, because she doesn't want to marry Keith.
Cut to Elliot delivering this epiphany to Carla and Turk, who are like, "Oh no she didn't!" Elliot says she thinks she just wanted to be married. Boy, Sarah Chalke's fake eyelashes are really poorly applied. I don't know if it's the HDTV or what. Anyway, Turk explains that Carla only lets him have one candy bar every six months, so he was trying to choose which one to have. Carla indicates by facial expression that she knows Turk is crazy, but they need to humor him. Turk runs through some of the options, like Junior Mints, but he complains, "If I want my candy to freshen my breath, I'll just slap some toothpaste on a Whatchamacallit bar and just go to town on that sucker!" I feel the same way about mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Cafeteria. Kelso sits down to Dr. Cox and demands ten dollars to leave. Cox pays up, but as soon as Kelso leaves, JD, Turk, Carla, and Elliot sit down. Carla asks if Elliot has dumped Keith yet. Elliot complains that Keith's whole family is in town for the wedding, and her house is "packed to the rafters with Dudemeisters." JD reminisces about how his college girlfriend dumped him by arranging it so he'd catch her having sex with someone else. Turk: "How many times do I have to apologize for that, dude?"
Parking lot. Elliot sees Keith and steels herself to break the bad news. She starts talking to him, but then we cut to JD and Carla watching them from one of the hospital windows. Carla doesn't feel right spying, but JD says it's not just them. We pan out to see a bunch of other people standing at the window, and then pan out again to see a bunch of other people standing at every window in the hospital, including a couple of dudes standing on the roof. Elliot hands Keith her engagement ring. Everyone is sad. Except JD, who is happy. Carla yells at him, but JD says Snoop Dogg Attending finally told Josephine how he feels. Everyone watches them hug, and goes, "Awwww!" in a happy way. Turk points out a rainbow, and everyone goes, "Ooooo." I could have watched them make various noises in unison for like ten more minutes.
Is there a man, woman, or child on God's green earth who doesn't know about the movie with the bees yet? God, those commercials are more omnipresent than news of Halle Berry's pregnancy.
JD enters Kim's apartment to find a very pregnant Kim sitting on the couch. JD VOs that it had been a while since he almost kissed Elliott. Things were going great with Kim, and Elliot had broken up with Keith, but we need to flash back to see how that all went down.
One week earlier. Carla asks Elliot how Keith is doing. Keith walks by and says hi to Carla, and calls Elliot "pig whore." Wow, I can't imagine why she didn't want to marry him. Elliot thinks it's progress, because he used to call her "stupid pig whore."
JD calls Kim and asks if it's okay if he has a drink with Turk tonight. Turk whispers that JD should say Turk's dad died. Before JD can relay that info, Kim says JD should go, and she's going to stay home and eat. JD hangs up and says they can save the dead dad thing for going to see the new panda baby at the zoo. Turk has to break the news that the panda baby died after her mother sat on her and ate her. JD: "Stupid nature!" Man, that was dark. JD wonders rhetorically, "What's wrong with me?" Of course, Dr. Cox walks by and snarks, "You're an annoying, whiny manchild."JD: "That question wasn't directed at you!" Cox: "What question?"
Dr. Cox walks into a patient's room and reviews the chart. The patient has swollen lymph nodes and abdominal pain. The patient says he's having heart palpitations, and Cox claims it's probably because he's so handsome. Cox turns around and sees Dr. Beardface, a gentleman with a giant white beard who's been on before. He yells, "It's Beard-fa-say! Why do you people insist on calling me Beard-face?" The patient explains, "It's because your face is five-sixths beard." I wish I'd been in the writers' room when they discussed what fraction would be the funniest, because I think a case could be made for seven-eighths.
Elliot asks Keith about a case, and he insists on calling her "pig whore" some more. He is an angry, angry dude. Elliot complains to Carla that Keith is being "totally unprofessional," but Carla thinks it's understandable, and she needs to let Keith hate her for a while. Elliot heads off to talk to Keith.
JD and Turk discuss why JD tried to sabotage his relationship with Kim. Turk doesn't want to say it, so JD lays a harsh truth on Turk first: "When you sweat a lot, you smell like eggs." Turk takes a minute to recover, and then says, "You wanna know why you almost blew it with Kim? It's because you knocked her up on your first date and before you could get to know her, she betrayed you. And now you don't have strong feelings for her, and the only reason why you guys are together is because there's a kid involved. Which means you're going to stick it out to the end, whether you love her or not." Well, that was a mouthful. JD isn't hearing it, because he's screwed up every relationship he's ever been in, and lists some of them: "Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumplefugly, Gift Shop Girl." Turk thinks none of them were good for JD anyway, and he's not even sure Rumplefugly was a girl. JD protests, "Stop it! Fugs was awesome!"
Dr. Cox returns to his patient and announces that the diagnosis is Lyme Disease, so now a "fun-sized intern" will examine him to find where the tick got him. Cox yells, "Tippy toes!" and Josephine pops up from below the screen. Dr. Cox says that once they find the bite, they can start treating him. The patient asks Cox to call him Joe, and Cox looks at him, sort of puppy-dog lovestruck.
Cox tells Turk they have to get Joe out of there. Turk thinks Joe must be a jerk, but Cox says he likes him. Turk just got done working out, and is all sweaty; Kelso asks what smells like eggs. Nice callback. Turk wonders what's wrong with liking a patient, and Cox explains: "I'm not you. I don't get to introduce myself to patients, do a minor surgery, recommend a good mortician to the family, and then be on my way. I have to treat people, and if I like them, well, that makes me want to work harder. And really? Who has time for that?" Kelso yells, "Seriously! Am I having a stroke or is someone making an omelet?"
Elliot shows up at her house while Keith is trying to pack his things. Keith reminds her that she promised she'd let him do this alone, and Elliot tries to joke that he knows she doesn't keep her word, since she also promised to marry him. That doesn't go over well. Elliot reminds Keith that they love "too soon" jokes, and she keeps trying to urge Keith to laugh. Keith is almost crying.
JD tells Cox that he finally figured out what's wrong with him -- he's a self-saboteur, but he's done with it. Josephine walks up and sounds like a member of the Lollipop Guild as she says that she couldn't find a tick bite on Joe. Cox says he needs to check it out, but first he tells Josephine that she has a ridiculous speaking voice. JD says that he wanted to advise Josephine on her vocal problems, but he realized that would only be bringing trouble on himself, and he's done with that.
JD runs into Janitor, carrying flowers. JD asks who the flowers are for, and Janitor says they're for his girlfriend. JD thinks the girlfriend is about as real as Janitor's twin brother. Janitor points out a woman down the hall, and says that's her. JD asks her name, and Janitor says it's "Lady." He yells out, "Hey, Lady!" and waves. The woman waves back, but looks confused.
Turk stands in front of the vending machine, trying to pick a candy bar. Todd yells at him to hurry up. Turk VOs that he had "a crystallizing moment" and knew he could let the candy choose him. Turk tells this story to Joe, and adds that he ended up getting a Bit O'Honey. Really? That's barely even candy. I always hated people who gave those out for Halloween. Those and Charleston Chews. Blech! Turk is pleased with his choice because he's "still pulling bits o' it out of [his] teeth." Cox walks in and asks if Joe needs surgery. Turk says that there's nothing to indicate that. Joe asks why no one can figure out what's wrong, and Cox vows not to let him down. The patient tells Turk to call him Joe, and Turk gives him the puppy-dog lovestruck look.
In the hall, Turk tells Cox that Joe has "this magical quality." Cox knows, and is frustrated that he doesn't know what to do . Kelso says he does.
JD VOs that some phrases can sting, no matter how they're said. Janitor tells JD: "Get the hell out of here." Keith continues packing and tells Elliot: "Get the hell out of here." Kelso tells Cox and Turk that if they can't find anything wrong with Joe, they have to tell him to get the hell out of there. Cox and Turk look sad.
Cox quickly wheels Joe down the hall in a wheelchair. Turk draws a big mole on Joe's face as Cox explains that they are turfing him to dermatology to buy some time.
Meanwhile, Elliot refuses to leave her house. She asks why it has to be like this, and she doesn't want to lose him from her life. Keith says she's dead to him. And then they make out. No, really.
Elliot confesses to Carla that she just slept with Keith. Cox tells them to shut it, so they can figure out what's wrong with Joe. JD walks up and yells, "Big news, sports fans! I decided to start calling everyone 'sports fans.' I know I'm not the jock-y type, but I watched Hoosiers last night, and I like sports now." No one is interested in JD's proclamation. That doesn't deter him, and he says that he's gone almost an entire day without sabotaging himself.
Cox stands up and announces: "Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the First Annual Sacred Heart Who Caresies Awards, designed to honor those who think that others actually give a rat's ass about the minutiae of their lives." JD segues into a fantasy sequence where it's an actual awards show. The nominees (as announced by Cox) are:
Barbie Reid, for "What am I gonna do about my ex-fiancé?"
Dame Judy Dorian for "I'm done self-sabotaging."
Gandhi for "I've got candy in my teeth."
Todd for "Look at my new shirt." [Note: Todd's shirt says, "Shhh! Dong Sleeping" with a giant arrow pointing to his dong.]
The screen goes four-square so we can see all the nominees' faces as Cox announces that the winner is JD. He hugs Carla and heads up to accept his award. Real-life JD thinks, "Suck on that, Tony Shalhoub." That whole sequence was effing brilliant.
Kelso asks Cox why Joe is still there and orders Cox to street the guy. Cox tells Kelso to tell Joe himself, and Kelso says he'd be glad. Kelso heads into Joe's room and tries to tell him, but gets the puppy-dog lovestruck look, too. He runs into the library to help Cox and Turk figure out Joe's problem.
JD struts down the hallways and congratulates himself on an entire day without self-sabotage. He runs into Janitor and Lady, just as Lady says, "I don't even know who you are." JD smarms that a girlfriend wouldn't say that, and pretends to pick up a phone and says, "It's the truth calling. Wants to know why you never tell it." What? That doesn't even make sense. Lady returns and tells Janitor mock-angrily, "I mean, who are you? A necklace with my name on it? The man I met was sweet, but I didn't know just how sweet. Oh! You're gonna get some." As she walks away, Janitor pretends to hang up JD's phone. JD wonders who is named Lady, and Janitor says that Lady has a brother named Him. Janitor wants to know, "Why do you force me to make your life miserable?"
JD and Elliot drink coffee as JD says he didn't know the answer to Janitor's question. Elliot says that she doesn't know why she's going line-dancing with Keith tonight. Carla assures JD that he's not that self-destructive, but Janitor begs to differ and suggests cognitive therapy. Elliot resigns herself to just marrying Keith, and JD wonders when they got so pathetic. Carla tells them that they're just like everyone else, and explains that she self-sabotaged when she sexily licked some toothpaste from her lips right in front of Turk. She demonstrates, and Todd walks by, looks down at his dong, and says, "Good morning!" Carla tells Elliot that she's not the first person to sleep with her ex. Elliot wonders what her point is. Carla says they're both human and need to give themselves a break.
Turk, Cox, and Kelso have pulled an all-nighter, doing research. Kelso is sleeping with his head in Cox's lap. They all wake up, and Turk says he can't do any more research. Dr. Beardface walks in and yells at them again for saying his name wrong. Cox says he could shave, but then he'd just be Dr. Face. Kelso laughs at that. Turk wonders what's under the hair, and that gives Cox an idea that relates to Occam's Razor.
Keith runs up and asks Elliot about their plans. Elliot realizes that she needs to break up with him again. Carla and JD watch from the window. JD turns and thinks that he never really cared for Keith. His phone rings, and it's Kim telling him to get home. She asks if he misses her. JD says he does, but realizes that he doesn't. And it's time for JD's "crystallizing moment," which relates to Occam's Razor, a phenomenon where the simplest answer is probably the right one.
JD explains that it could mean that your first instinct is right. Josephine shaves Joe's head, revealing a tick bite on his scalp. Seriously, how did he not know that was there? It's huge! Cox promises that Joe will be fine.
JD VOs that it can also mean that your best friend is right, and you have to let your ex hate you for a while. Keith walks by Elliot and calls her "skanky straw-haired pig whore." Seriously, I know it's comedy, but I don't care what I did to someone; if he called me that, he'd have a foot in the ass. Elliot bemoans the additional adjectives, and Carla comforts her.
JD VOs that he realized it was never about sabotaging himself. We see the scene from earlier where JD walked into Kim's apartment and greeted her. This time, JD thinks that it's just like Turk said, and he will stay with Kim until the end, whether he loves her or not, because there's a kid involved. As Kim snuggles into JD's shoulder, JD stares into space, looking terrified and kind of numb.