Previously on Samantha Who?, amnesiac Samantha met her parents, her best friend, her childhood best friend, her ex-boyfriend, her doorman, her boss, her secretary, and her plastic surgeon. Who will she meet this episode? Therapist? Parole officer? Seventh-grade gym teacher? Let's watch and find out!
Good Sam starts out by meeting -- via answering machine -- a bunch of people from whom Bad Sam apparently stole clothing. Said answering machine is at her ex-boyfriend's apartment, where Dena is making awkward small talk with Todd, reminiscing about all the fun times they spent at Sam's bedside while she was in a coma. And really, the writers need to find a way to get Sam and Todd back together, because they're going to run out of plausible reasons for her to keep running back to his apartment. In fact, I'd say they ran out of reasons when they decided she needed to go there to listen to old answering machine messages just so she could learn (again) how much everyone hated her. Sam quickly gets sick of hearing people complain about her behavior and threaten legal action, and records a new outgoing message that consists of her screaming, "I'm SOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYY...leave a message after the beep." Isn't that Todd's machine?
As Sam and Dena leave Todd's building, Frank the doorman tells her that the tailor dropped something off for her. Sam asks Dena how they drifted apart. The story involves Sam standing Dena up in the eighth grade at some place called the Beef Grindery. The what? That's got to be either a quaint old-timey hamburger joint or a gay sex club. I'm not sure which is worse. The package dropped off by the tailor is a dress, which they quickly realize is a bridesmaid dress. Sam's so thrilled that someone seems to have liked her enough to include her in a wedding party that she doesn't react to Frank telling her that the tailor suggested she kill herself.
Sam rushes in to Ma and Pa Newly's looking for the mail she brought back from Todd's. As you would expect, the wedding (of two people named Valerie and Trey) is happening that very same day. Sam decides that she's going to the chapel and she's gonna...watch someone else get married. Her parents invite themselves along when they realize the wedding is at a fancy hotel with super-cheap wedding-party room rates, and Sam rounds out the cast by inviting Dena to come as her date.
And then Sam (looking smashing in the bridesmaid dress) enters the hotel. She hasn't missed the ceremony, and she sends Dena to find a seat and her parents off to the room while she looks for the bride. Awkwardly, she runs into Todd before she finds anyone else. She thinks that they must have been planning on attending the wedding together, but he bursts her self-centered bubble by telling her that he's the photographer (as evidenced by the camera he's holding). He's also quite surprised to see her there. As is Andrea, who runs up to her with a slightly panicked look on her face. I wonder how they could get any more of the cast at this wedding. Maybe Frank is performing the ceremony. The bride walks up behind Sam, and she throws a glass of champagne in Sam's face as Sam turns to greet her. Without missing a beat, the bride tells the world in general to get that bitch (i.e., Sam) out of her wedding. Commercials.
Sam, shut out of the room in which the ceremony is taking place, is getting the scoop from Andrea on why Valerie seems to hate her so. It turns out that she was running a pool on how long the marriage would last. Hmmm. Mean, but funny. And potentially profitable. That's the Bad Sam we want to see. Also, Andrea is at the wedding because she took Valerie's side against Sam, even though she only knew Valerie through Sam. It turns out Valerie's family is loaded, and access to a yacht outweighs friendship in Andrea's mind. In fact, she realizes that she courts social doom by just being seen with Sam, so she gets up and slinks off to the wedding. Sam signals to Dena through the glass door that she's leaving, and Dena awkwardly gets up and sneaks out of the ceremony.
In Sam's parents' hotel room, Regina and Howard have already taken off their clothes and gotten into the big, comfy hotel bathrobes. And ordered an artisanal cheese plate from room service. Sam wants her luggage, because she wants to go home. Dena accuses her of quitting, and Sam tells her that she has no interest in staying in a place she's not wanted. Dena: "It's not that hard. You get used to it." Dena is so very sad, and so very funny. I would kind of like to watch the Dena Show. Sam's phone rings; it's Howard, calling from the bathroom phone. He's fallen in love with the heated floors, and now is wholeheartedly behind the idea of redoing the bathroom at home. Touchingly, Regina tells Sam that she really wishes she could wrap her arms around Sam and make everything better. But since she can't, her only other suggestion is for Sam to run off and assume a fake identity. Oooh, maybe she could go work with the Crab Man in Camden County. I do like that Sam has realized that Good Sam is going to have to accept the consequences for the things that Bad Sam did, but Dena wisely points out that part of being the new, better Sam is the chance to, you know, make things better. So Sam decides that she's going to go to that wedding and make Valerie forgive her if it's the last thing she does. And really, the worst thing that could happen is that she might get some more champagne thrown in her face. At least it's a free drink. If she manages to catch any in her mouth, and not choke on it. As Sam and Dena leave, Howard whispers to Regina, "Sex?" Regina: "Well, we've got to hurry. The cheese is coming."
And here's Todd, taking pictures of the bride and groom with their parents. As he zooms in on Valerie, Sam's head is suddenly resting on her shoulder. I mean, the head is still attached to Sam's neck -- it's not disembodied or anything like that. Sam demonstrates the tact and timing that clearly contributed to Bad Sam's delightfully wicked ways, asking Valerie if this is a bad time to talk. Valerie is furious that Sam is still there, and is rightfully doubtful when Sam claims to have amnesia, since that's the same excuse Sam pulled for wrecking Valerie's luxury car four years ago. Before security can come haul Sam out of the hotel, Todd pulls her away from Val. He asks her what she's doing, and when she claims to be trying to apologize, he asks her what her angle is. It's because she feels bad for what she did (as we already know), and he's surprised to hear that she's familiar with the concept of remorse. She refuses to give up until Valerie sees how thoughtful she can be. Todd gets a crafty look on his face, and there's a little "ding" on the soundtrack, leading me to think he has some kind of cunning plan. But he spent all those decades on Seventh Heaven, so how cunning could he be?
And it's another black-and-white montage through Todd's viewfinder, until Sam once again creeps into a picture with Valerie. Valerie calls out for her father, but Sam begs for one minute to plead her case. We don't actually hear what she has to say, cutting to Todd, Dena, and eventually Andrea watching and talking about Sam. Dena, incurable optimist that she is, is certain Sam really is a new person. Todd, beaten little puppy that he is, isn't so sure. And Andrea, sociopath that she is, dismisses out of hand the idea that Sam doesn't have some kind of ulterior motive. (Dena continues to try to reminisce with Todd about the only time they've ever spent together, asking if he remembers the mean clerk at the hospital gift shop.) In any case, whatever Sam said to Valerie was enough to get Valerie to forgive her, hug her, invite her back into the wedding party, and ask her to sit at the bride's table. Andrea, seeing a good sucking-up opportunity when it presents itself, jumps into their hug. And then Sam ditches Dena (who found seats for the two of them at some other table) to run off with Valerie and Andrea. If it's any consolation, I'm sure the food at the hotel is much better than it was at the Beef Grindery. Commercials.
At the bride's table, Valerie is regaling everyone with stories about how funny Sam is. And Sam actually is funny, making a joke about an incident that she remembers not at all. She's so funny, in fact, that Andrea can't help but point out that if she were on a yacht, she'd be falling overboard from all the laughter. Todd takes pictures of the wedding party, which are actually all just pictures of Sam.
And at the worst table in the joint, right to the kitchen door, Dena is cutting up a steak for some old guy so she doesn't have to re-Heimlich him. On the other side of her is the bridesmaid who got bumped from the bride's table to make room for Sam. She's bitter about that, as one would be, but she's confident that Valerie will eventually let her back into the inner circle, seeing as how they are sisters. Dena, having drained her own wine glass, reaches over and drains the sister's.
Sam is looking at the cards on all the gifts, trying to figure out whether she already got something for the happy couple. And then Todd asks her to dance. The two of them dance while Dena tries to suck the last dregs out of a bottle of wine. The dancing is very cute and sweet and romantic-comedy-ish. They banter, they flirt, and Todd tells Sam that he's kind of liking the new Sam, who has all the good qualities of the old Sam without the dark heart of evil. And then Christina Applegate gives the only really flat line reading in the first three episodes, warning Todd that he'd better be careful or he'll fall for her again. Although I'm not sure anyone could give that clunker of a line a convincing reading. And then Andrea comes to break up the dance, dragging Sam off for toasts. As they leave, Andrea tells Sam to "let the help get back to work."
As they walk away, Sam realizes that the bride is missing, which kind of poses a problem if toasts are going to happen. Andrea tells her not to worry about it, since the hot groomsman went to find Valerie. And then Sam sees Valerie and the groomsman enter. And she sees the groomsman give Valerie a quite forward pat on the ass. Which either means they've had sex at some point in the past, or they just scored a touchdown. Oh, and then it's time for our weekly Bad Sam flashback. It's the bachelorette party, and Sam is (a) blotto and (b) encouraging Valerie to have sex with the hot groomsman, who just wandered into the bar. Since all my experience with bachelorette parties involves lots of drunk suburban straight girls invading gay strip clubs in D.C., it makes me wonder about that groomsman. But I'm guessing that's not the kind of bar they're at, since they seem to be at the same bar they're always at. More importantly, since this is a flashback, you're probably wondering what Sam's hair looks like. Well, it's not as long as in some flashbacks, and it has some curl to it, but it's still not the curly bob of Good Sam. Which, since this has to be shortly before the accident (which must have been over two weeks ago by the time of the wedding) makes me wonder if she just got it cut right before the accident or whether the hospital has a really good stylist who works on coma patients. Oooh, or maybe her mother had her hair done to prepare for the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition audition video. In any case, Sam in the present realizes that Valerie had sex with one of the groom's best friends just weeks before the wedding.
Dena saunters up to Todd, who's scarfing down some wedding food. She giggles at him, and asks whether Sam seems like a totally different person. When he agrees with her, Dena tells him that she hasn't changed at all, still being completely willing to dump her friend to hang out with the cool kids. Todd feels stupid for getting fooled, and Dena starts to tell him not to worry about it, since he's so nice and good and cute. And then she throws him back on the bar and plants one on him. Best scene of the episode. Made even better by the jaunty way she throws her scarf over her shoulder and staggers away.
And now it's time for toasts. The hot groomsman gives a totally boring and generic toast, mocking the groom's receding hairline and hardcore alcoholism. And then Valerie insists that her funny friend Sam make a toast. Sam, completely backed into a corner, starts rambling about how marriage is like sailing over the edge of the world, and then she segues into some thoughts about how everyone deserves forgiveness and a second chance for any betrayal, especially if she promises never to do it again. It doesn't take long for Valerie to catch on; she accuses Sam of trying to humiliate her, and then the groomsman loudly confesses to having slept with the bride. And then another bridesmaid confesses to having slept with the groom. And then the entire bridal party devolves into shouts and recriminations. Andrea, always looking for the bright side, is at least happy that she won the pool on how long the marriage would last.
In the lobby outside the wedding, Sam runs into Todd. She's upset by how horrible all her old friends are, and Todd busts her for being horrible herself, what with the standing up of the one person who actually likes her. And then he walks off, leaving Sam standing alone in the hallway to the wedding cake. And I kind of think they should have ended the episode right here, leaving Sam some things to make up for in the couple of episodes. But instead, they just cut to commercials.
Sam, holding...half of the top of the wedding cake, including the bride and groom figurines? Yikes. And again, I love that even when she's trying to be good, she keeps doing horribly rude and self-centered things. Like stealing part of a wedding cake in order to bribe her fat friend into liking her again. Anywho, she's in her parents' hotel room. She calls out for Regina, who is in the bathroom taking a shower. Sam enters the bathroom and asks where Dena is: "Oh, please tell me she's taking a shower with you." Through the steamed up glass of the shower, Regina tells her that Dena left. Sam sits down and relays the story of her own crappy behavior. And then Sam wonders aloud what she's sitting on. Regina wipes a little window in the steam on the shower door and tells her that it's the bidet. And then Sam tells her mother to pack up, because they need to go home. But Howard's voice emerges from the shower to announce that he's not leaving the hotel until checkout time the day, since he's already paid for the room.
So, earlier, I forgot to tell you that Dena told Sam that when they were kids, they would climb in each other's bedroom windows and talk and drink cocoa. Sorry about that. Why am I telling you now, you ask? No reason in particular. Anyway, Sam is climbing the trellis to the window of Dena's bedroom, where Dena is in bed reading. Dena sees Sam, but refuses to let her enter. And then she tells one of her giant Newfies, who is apparently named "Mister Cellophane," to kill Sam. He seems uninterested in any killing, or even maiming, because he just sits there on the bed. Dena claims that the window is painted shut, but when Sam appears to fall, she runs over and throws the window open. And then Sam pleads for forgiveness. I do like that she compares Bad Sam to a werewolf that might emerge at any minute, and that Dena threatens to put a cap in her ass with a silver bullet if it happens again. And then Dena forgives her and invites her in for cocoa.
Todd reviews wedding pictures on his Mac. The pictures are all in black and white, which, hello, digital camera. You don't take black and white pictures, you just make them black and white after the fact (if you're going for that retro look). He gets to one of the pictures of Sam and smiles. Meanwhile, Dena asks Sam if Todd happened to say anything about anything in particular that might possibly have happened that night. Sam, selfish as always, only remembers Todd telling her how horrible she was. And then Dena asks if Todd was a good kisser. Sam has no idea, since she can't remember. She asks Dena why she wanted to know, and Dena (looking cute as a button) says that there's no reason in particular. And then Todd can't decide whether to hit "delete" or "save" on that picture of Sam. He eventually clicks on something, but we don't see what. Is this someone's idea of a cliffhanger?