Samantha is dozing in the morning, and voiceovering about the crazy dream she had in which she was in a car accident and lost her memory and is now living with her mom and dad. And her brother, David Faustino. Her lovely reverie is broken by her mom, who brightly orders her out of bed, what with her not being in a coma anymore.
Sam walks downstairs, looking at mementoes of her past, like her graduation picture, when her dad comes in the front door after retrieving the paper. He speaks to her very slowly, explains to her who her mother and father are, and what the kitchen is, and fortunately, she cuts him off before he reminds her how mothers and fathers make little Samanthas.
Sam strolls into the kitchen to find out Dena's got the day off and wants to know if Sam wants to hang out. Sam's mom says she was going to spend the day with Sam, but Sam puts the kibosh on that: "Actually, I was kind of going to be busy with me today," with Mom wanting to know what the point of Sam getting hit by a car was if it meant they weren't going to spend any time together. Sam wants to know what her job is, but don't ask Mom, since they haven't spoken in two years. "Twenty for me!" says Dena, raking in the pot. Sam's father helpfully says it was something in a building, which rules out "astronaut," according to Sam, who apparently thinks astronauts do their training in meadows.
While going through her purse, Sam finds an appointment card that informs her she has a doctor's appointment today. Brain doctor? Doctor with organ-donor forms? Sam is horrified that her parents were going to donate her organs (sounds more like pre-coma Sam than post-coma Sam, but never mind), but Regina assures her she wouldn't have donated Sam's eyes: "I could never look anyone in the face again without wondering." Anyway, Sam's got a compromise: Dena can drive her to the doctor's appointment, and then her mom can drive her into the city. But Regina can't, reminding Sam that she's getting her hair trimmed today, and wails that Sam's starting to forget things again.
Dena drives a little car with two massive dogs in the back seat, beautiful Newfoundlands who could comfortably guard illegal motorcycle-gang clubhouses, or perhaps the gates of hell. Sam bitches about Regina (essentially "what's the deal with mothers?") until Dena cheerfully says her own mom is dead, which is like those Dear Abby columns where women write in for advice on fixing their husbands' snoring, and then other women write in to say, "Harold's snoring bothered me too, and THEN HE DIED, and how I wish he were snoring to me now." Sam tries to remove her foot from her mouth, but Dena says Sam was really nice when she found out, and even insisted Dena move the date of the funeral so she could attend. And then still didn't come. (I thought they hadn't spoken since seventh grade?) Before a chagrined Sam can slink straight through the car's floorboards and onto the street, Dena says Sam did send some nice flowers. "Well, there's that," says Sam, who waits a moment, and then adds, "I didn't send any flowers, did I." Dena, diplomatically: "Not really."
On to the brain-doctor appointment then, and Sam is too busy babbling about -- oh, I don't know. At first, she's too distracted to wonder why the hell the brain doctor is feeling her up. "You're not a neurologist, are you?" It was always in this exact moment that I knew the date was over. The doctor asks her if she's decided to go up one cup size or two, and even has a couple of implants to drive the point home. "Is there a three?" jokes Sam.
Sam catches up with Andrea in the office building where...Andrea works? Sam works? How they managed to meet up is unclear to me. And given that Andrea is Sam's supposed best friend, I'm also not clear on why Sam didn't just ask Andrea what exactly her job is, instead of babbling on about how pre-coma Sam was apparently considering a boob job. Andrea doesn't know why she wanted one -- but I guarantee you Spencer was TOTALLY supportive -- just that she gets Sam's old no-room-for-boobs T-shirts, although I'm not really certain Jennifer Esposito would have any use for them. As the two of them get into the elevator, Andrea remarks how great it is that Sam has gotten over her fear of elevators, which means that by the time the door opens on their floor, Sam is in a ball in the corner, wailing.
She gets over it as the two of them stroll into Chapman And Funk International, with Samantha babbling unmercifully and pointing out that she doesn't even know where she works. This, as someone walking by thrusts a folder in her hand. Instead of just saying, "You work here. This is a real estate firm," like a person not on a sitcom would do, Andrea just grunts and jerks her head in the direction of the office door directly behind her. The nameplate reads "Samantha Newly," and a giddy Sam shouts, "I work here! I work here! This is my office!" which I guess makes it fortunate she either a) RAN INTO ANDREA IN THE LOBBY OF A RANDOM BUILDING or b) SHE AND ANDREA ARRANGED TO MEET THERE WITHOUT SAM FINDING OUT SHE WORKS THERE. Okay, deep breath. Just accept the premise, Daniel. Just accept the premise. Then Sam notices the "Vice-President" plate underneath her name. "I'm a vice-president?" Andrea gives her the thumbs-up, and then she and Sam pull snaps off each other and dance into Sam's office, instead of SAM JUST ASKING ANDREA WHAT EXACTLY IT IS SHE -- Okay. Accept the premise.
Commercials. Man, I can't wait to come back and find out what Sam does. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's totally fulfilling and makes the world a better place!
Sam's...babbling...about a coffee mug in her office? I guess? It's a roundabout way of telling Andrea she's making progress, and then Sam asks what it is she does. Instead of TELLING HER, Andrea talks about how no one in the office should know about her memory problem, because that's a sign of weakness. Well, then, it would be a big help if you'd tell her just what it is she does, Andrea. Sam wants to know just where her co-workers think she's been. Turns out Andrea told them Sam was in rehab, because it's "super-trendy." Sam's twitchy assistant shows up, flustered because she wasn't expecting Sam back yet, and hands her an apple. Then she takes the apple, bites it, and gives it back to her. "I make her start her apple for me?" says a disbelieving Sam. Yeah, I don't even know what that means.
Andrea's plan is for Sam to go home, and she can fill Sam in later on what she does, but right now it's important that Sam doesn't bump into anyone she knows yet. Like any of her co-workers, you mean? In the building where she works? Oh, hey, there's Mr. Chapman, who is one of the names in the company logo. He needs something from Andrea in time for the 11 o'clock meeting, and from a faking-it Sam, he needs her to put on non-covered-in-dog-hair clothes in time for that same 11 o'clock.
So it's back to the ex-boyfriend's apartment, which serves a couple of purposes: 1) it allows Christina Applegate to fall all out of her bra as she changes her clothes, and 2) it reminds me how angry I am that the United Nations Security Council refused to consider outlawing anyone from 7th Heaven appearing on television ever again, because there's Barry Watson still in the role of Todd. He apparently didn't know what she did, because she never wanted to talk about it. This would be a major difference from post-coma Sam, who never fuckin' shuts up. "Every time I asked what you did exactly, you spoke slowly like I was a monkey," he gripes. "There's no need to speak slowly to a monkey," points out Sam. No, but apparently you didn't speak slowly enough to Todd, because he didn't actually know what his live-in girlfriend did at her job. But he will miss the cake; turns out Sam banned birthday parties at the office to save money, so they have a freezer full of confiscated cake.
Outside, post-coma Sam comes to a few more realizations: pre-coma, her dressing style was undignified (according to Frank the doorman, who notes that the way she's dressed now is an improvement). The other thing she learns is that it's not exactly appropriate to ask doormen if she should get a boob job. "We're not friends," sniffs Frank.
This time at the office, the elevator-re-phobic Sam has taken the stairs (to the twentieth floor), and, her so-called best friend having failed her, she asks her assistant: "Don't ask me, just tell me: What is it we do here?" "Exactly what we're told, I know that now. It won't happen again," says her skittish secretary, who scurries off. Sam tries one last time to get Andrea to explain it, but they get caught in Chapman's wake as he hustles everyone into the meeting room.
Sam, after a few mistakes, eventually finds which seat belongs to her, and not some other shark in the office. Chapman likes a lot of rapid-fire things shouted out from his employees, and as Samantha hears things like "church property" and "zoning commission" and "community impact hearing," she clues in and blurts out, "Real estate!" Everyone stares at her. "That's what we do," she says quietly. "Rehab!" Andrea helpfully reminds everyone, but Chapman says he knows what Sam's on about: "Real estate is what we do, get it? Not having meetings, not negotiating. But taking real estate and developing it so the city we love is the best it can be; am I right, Sam?" Well, that sounds good, right? "So how do we get rid of the church?" asks Chapman, and Sam watches in horror as she realizes she, the vain, cheating, shallow person she was before, apparently didn't work for Doctors Without Borders or Amnesty International. Her co-workers brainstorm various underhanded ways to acquire the church's property, and then Chapman takes the time to praise how awesome post-"rehab" Sam is. "Anyone who doesn't sign up for rehab is fired," he says. Everyone glares at Sam as the meeting comes to a close. "Well, this job sucks!" says Sam. Well, I wouldn't worry. Epiphanies are never more than a half-hour away, you'll find.
up is an after-shower Sam checking out her chest in the mirror of her bedroom, and her mom barges in, saying only, "Knock knock!" Sam confesses that she's wondering why she'd get a boob job, and then Regina makes Sam show her the goods, at which point Dad barges in (saying only, "knock knock!" as well). He retreats, blinded at having seen his adult daughter's chest, and then Sam and Regina have a little discussion about the boob job, which is about more than the boob job; it's about who Samantha was, and how she doesn't like her job. And Regina wants to do a jigsaw puzzle with her, but Samantha's too busy finding herself, and Regina loads a big guilt trip on her: "All I know is that this morning, you didn't have any time for me because you were trying to find out who you were. And now you don't have any time for me because you're trying to find out who you are!" I also remember Regina not having time for her recently-in-a-coma daughter because she was getting her hair trimmed, but I wouldn't want to spoil the moment. "This new life looks a lot like the old life, because neither one had time for me," she adds, which is some Olympic-level guilt-tripping. Regina then cuts the treacle by offering wardrobe advice to help distract people from Sam's unsightly, deficient, non-saline-filled funbags.
Sam is out for drinks with Dena and Andrea, who are offering their respective opinions on whether Sam should quit her job. Dena's all "yea" and Andrea's all "nay." Andrea's also being exceedingly rude to Dena, wondering how she got past the doorman. Andrea wants to know what Sam would do if she quit. Dena says Sam can do whatever she wants: "You could rescue Newfies!" she says. I'd already forgotten about Dena's dogs, and since my wife and her family are from Newfoundland, my response to that was something like, "Did she just say, 'you could rescue Newfies'?" Anyway, Sam's inspired, saying she could write, or paint, or open a cupcake or coffee shop or whatever she wants. She's decided she was in the car accident for a reason, like so she could do something important: "Help the little people." Andrea is all, "I choose to take that literally," and wants to know what dwarves have to do with this. "The dwarves are fine," she snaps. Sam figures she'd settle for just enjoying what she does, and asks Andrea if she loves her job. Andrea says, "If everyone did what they loved, the economy would collapse by morning. And how is that helping the dwarves?" Sam's mind is made up: she's quitting. And she doesn't know why she didn't do it sooner. She gets a clue, however, when her credit card is returned, declined, by the waiter.
It's meltdown time at the ex-boyfriend's place, as a shocked Samantha looks through old credit-card statements and finds out she owes $30,000 on her plastic. Yeah, but that's only like $29,500 Canadian (how do you like it, America? HOW DO YOU LIKE IT!). She spent it all on makeup, nails and shoes. She wanders into her walk-in closet and wonders if she was actually hoarding shoes. "Was the country converting to some sort of shoe-based currency?" Heh. She decides to return the shoes, pay off her bills, and help the dwarves. So where are the receipts, she asks Todd. "In the matching purses," he says, and a frustrated Kate collapses. Now, isn't that a good thing? More to return, more money for bills?
Back from commercials, Samantha, who is rapidly losing her shit, bitches about how her past self is reaching into the future to screw her future self. Todd is very nervous about sitting down on the bed to her, but that's only because of her potentially violent instability. "It's so unfair!" she yells. What is, exactly, asks Todd. "That I have to work so I can pay my bills, so I can make money!" she screams, and maybe she shouldn't be annoyed with her dad for explaining what a kitchen's for when she apparently forgot what a freakin' job is for. Realizing how foolish she sounds, she calms down somewhat, enough for Todd to ask her about who these dwarves are. Then he jokes that the "boob job's out of the question," and he gets a thrown shoe for his trouble, but also a smile.
Samantha's moved from "boob job" to "quit job" to "improve job," and the only plan she has when she meets with Chapman is, basically, "Instead of getting rid of the church, how about we don't get rid of the church?" She tries to shore it up by claiming to be inspired by a motivational speaker in rehab. "Not sure I follow," he says. "What we start to do is get the name 'Chapman And Funk' associated with..." she says, and he finishes: "...the poor." "Yes, helping the poor!" she says. "No, being poor," he says, and asks her if she's lost her mind. "This rehab of yours, I do not know what they took out of your system, but right now I want you to stand up, I want you to go back there, and I want you to pay whatever it takes to just shove that crap right back in your mouth." He leans back in his chair, satisfied. "Good meeting."
Outside, Andrea wants to know how the meeting went. "He's an ass," snaps Sam, and Andrea advises her to play him a little. Smile, open a button, that kind of thing. Sam is shocked Andrea would suggest that. Really? Still with the shocked? Then she flashes back to pre-coma Sam, stomping through the office and all over her assistant before finding a nemesis co-worker in her office. "You didn't hear? I got [something] Sternwood properties," and an outraged Sam tries to call dibs on the properties, but is distracted by her co-worker's apparently recently enhanced chest. "You did not. Chapman did not fall for a move that cheap," she says. No, can't imagine it, not from Chapman. "Whose idea do you think these were?" says the co-worker evenly. Sam angrily takes a bite of her apple, and then glances down dejectedly at her own chest.
Back in the present day, Sam stomps back into Chapman's office and tells him she knows he encouraged and rewarded at least one woman in the office for having her boobs done, and if he ever talks to another underling about any body part he'll be in court so long the firm will be "Chapman, Funk And Newly" or just "Funk And Newly" or "Newly And Funk." Chapman's unfazed: "Just bottom-line it for me; the church stays?" "It's a start," says Sam, who starts to walk out, before turning back and saying, "One more thing."
That thing is the reinstatement of birthday parties; Sam leads the office in a rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday To You" to Tracy, her assistant. Andrea isn't buying that it just happened to be Tracy's birthday, and Sam admits it wasn't, but she had to send a message. "And of course, she was like, 'no, no, no, I can't do that,' and I said, 'Look, girlie, do I have to command you to have a good time?' I said, 'eat a piece of cake, have two pieces of cake.' Poor little thing." Sam watches proudly as Tracy forks some cake into her mouth. "She's diabetic, you know," says Andrea, and Sam springs into action: "Spit!" Heh. See, you accept the premise, and you're rewarded with genuinely laugh-out-loud moments.
So there are a couple of loose ends to be tied up: Sam starts helping Mom with a jigsaw puzzle, while babbling about making a difference at work (and Regina gently says, "Lot of debt, huh?"), and Dena arrives home to find belated flowers for her mom on her porch.
Final piece of advice, for all you women who decide not to get boob jobs: start sleeping in a bra. I don't know what that means. But Jean Smart said it, so I'm assuming it's true.