Samantha voiceovers that amnesia renders you a blank slate, without memories and opinions. One becomes like a child; the problem is, one is an adult. Samantha looks at herself in the mirror. She's dressed for steppin' out.
The "child vs. adult" speech we just heard leads us nicely into a motherly interrogation reserved for junior-high girls: Samantha's going out for drinks with Andrea, whom Regina doesn't like -- she calls Andrea a "drunk," like it's a bad thing. Well, I suppose for Samantha, a recovering drunk, it is a bad thing. Regina doesn't want her daughter riding home with Andrea the drunk, and orders her to take a cab, since the way she's dressed will prompt everyone to think she's a hooker, if she hitchhikes. (I think she looks very nice.) Samantha's dad is watching Monday Night Football, like I SHOULD BE DOING. Samantha promises to return immediately, and to "die if [she has] any fun."
In light of Samantha's alcoholism, I'm not sure she and Andrea should be hanging around bars all the time. Of course, it's not like Andrea's much of a friend. She does, however, fend off some pickup artist (Andrea calls him "Sweat Stains"), which is great, because along with everything else, Samantha's forgotten pickup lines, innuendo, and sex itself. When Andrea steps away for a moment, Sweat Stains moves in and suggests they go back to his place, and Samantha agrees on the condition that her friend come. "It's kind of hard to explain, but I need someone to watch me," she says, only piquing Sweat Stains' interest all the more. Andrea arrives in the nick of cock-blocking time.
Informed that Sweat Stains was only hitting on her, Samantha wonders if it's possible for a person to have forgotten having sex. "Trust me," says Andrea wryly, sipping from her drink. Hee. Samantha gets more anxious as she realizes she doesn't remember what sex is like, how it feels. "You poor thing!" says Andrea, slapping the bar. "You're a virgin!" This last part, she yells loud enough to ensure all the men in the bar turn her way to leer at her. You know, we don't all subscribe to Maxim. Samantha saves face by calling for a "virgin margarita." "Nothing to see here," she says.
Samantha's note to self urges her to talk to her mom about sex. This will prove unwise, and there are some things that you'd think Samantha would have relearned already. Her parents are cleaning out the garage. "We'd been keeping all this stuff that was sentimental to you, but now that you've forgotten why, we can throw it out," says Regina breezily. When Sam says she wants to talk about something personal, Regina says she knew this would come up sooner or later: "Don't worry, honey; you're not dying. This happens to every woman once a month." Samantha does that thing where she acts like her parents are stupid for thinking she's forgotten something really important, even though every episode seems to be based on her having forgotten something really important. Regina gets all squicked out when Sam says she wants to talk about sex, because that's not something Sam ever brought up before. There may be a good reason for that; before the conversation is over, it is revealed that Samantha's parents, for some reason, elected to refer to sex, should Sam have ever brought it up, as "happy touch" or "special hug." Sam's dad also learns that, contrary to what he'd thought over his entire marriage, Regina's first "special hug" was not with him but with Bob McNally. "That spindly guy from the shoe store?" he says, outraged. You're telling me this show's above an inside joke like calling the dude Al Bundy?
At a coffee shop, Andrea and Dena prove themselves equally inept at describing sex to Sam. Having said that, I'm not sure how I would go about describing it to Sam. I'D SHOW HER. Heh heh h--cough, cough. Oh, god, I am so sorry. I'd like to think, though, that the phrase "tastes like chicken" would not come up. Dena and Andrea's whole "angel vs. devil" routine manifests itself this week in Dena thinking Samantha should wait for the right guy to come along and Andrea basically thinking that Samantha should head down to the docks all "hello, sailor." "You are an adult, human woman. So much of who you are is tied up in sex!" says Andrea, who hasn't noticed that the lesson being driven home each week is that Samantha is no longer a shallow, selfish, vicious bitch. This would also mean, per moralistic Hollywood convention, that Samantha no longer will be interested in casual sex. ["She'll get a fatal disease if she is!" -- Miss Alli] Still, Andrea thinks that if Samantha gets out there, it will all come back to her. Uh, so to speak. Dena is concerned, with apparent experience, that Sam will wake up with cotton candy stuck to her back and a long walk home. Uh, I say we hear a little more from Dena! Samantha figures that it happens when it happens, but she seems to feel a little more urgency when some douchebag outside revs the engine of his jeep. Guess one of the concepts Samantha needs to relearn is "overcompensation."
Samantha's excuse du episode for returning to her ex-boyfriend's place is to get enough clothes that she doesn't have to keep coming back. Uh, Samantha? That would be all of them. And you should have done it a while ago. Amusingly, Todd busies himself with sliding a pencil in and out of a sharpener. And in and out. And in and out. Samantha finally has to ask him to stop. Then she asks him if they had sex before. "Of course we have," says Todd, pointing out that they were together for three years. "Can't remember it," confesses Samantha. "Well, that's flattering," says Todd. Hey, asshole: SHE HAS AMNESIA. What Samantha really wants to know is if it was good. "Very," says a somewhat flustered Todd. God, how nice would it be for my ex-girlfriends to get amnesia and then ask me that question? The phrase "revisionist history" comes to mind.
Now it's on to Inappropriate Conversation with Sardonic Doorman. In this chapter, Samantha out of nowhere informs Frank that she's a virgin. "Yes, ma'am. And I'm a pirate," he says, gravely. Heh.
Samantha's theory that "if it happens, it happens" breaks down in the face of encroaching horniness. She calls Andrea to tell her as much. "It's 4:00 AM," protests Andrea, like this is the first time she's ever picked up the phone at 4:00 AM and heard the words "I'm horny." Part of Andrea's annoyance may be due to the fact that there is some dude asleep in her bed.
And now, in comes Regina to sleep with Samantha, since her husband is driving her crazy being all upset over the Bob McNally business. This puts something of a crimp in the candid sex chat with Andrea, but Sam does her best, until she finds out her mother knows Sam was seventeen when she got happy-touched for the very first time. "If you didn't want me to read your diary, you shouldn't have left it out," reasons Regina, who adds that she didn't tell Sam's father, as it would have killed him. "You didn't tell me a lot of things!" we hear him shout, through the wall. Snicker. Andrea, hearing all the goings-on, says it's no wonder Sam's got issues. She might be on to something. Anyway, Andrea says Sam should come out with her tomorrow night, and it'll all come back to her. Uh, so to speak. It's just like riding a bike, after all. Sam gets an idea.
Sam's old bike, with basket and banana seat, seems to have survived her parents' recent purge, so Samantha wheels it out for a ride. Seriously, go for the washing machine instead. Spin cycle. Samantha attempts to ride her bike at four in the morning and falls off. She shouldn't look so worried. There's not much chance of her falling off anything when she has sex for the first time again. And if she does fall off, then things are probably going pretty well.
Clubbing time comes again, and Sam's really worried. "What guy wants some clueless bimbo who doesn't know right from wrong in the bedroom?" "You have so much to learn," says Andrea. Wait a minute, "right from wrong"? Is Samantha a sociopath? That could be a pretty good show. Sam's even worried about kissing, because she doesn't know if she's good at it. Andrea assures Sam she is, which makes Samantha suspicious of how Andrea knows this. "We were at a party, they offered us $300, what are you going to do?" I guess "refusing to make out for money" wasn't an option for a couple of women with good jobs at a real estate firm.
Inside, Andrea tries to teach Samantha how to smile, and how to spin around on a barstool as potential suitors approach. Sam does neither particularly well, and Andrea throws in the towel immediately, saying Sam's being a dork, and she doesn't "hang out with those." So you can imagine her mood not at all improving when a giddy Dena shows up to complete the girls' night out. She claims it's a coincidence, but I kind of like the implication that Sam invited Dena without Andrea's knowledge or permission, having already learned that Andrea is very unpleasant. Andrea and Dena bond somewhat, though, over Sam's reluctance to get out there. Andrea tells Dena that Sam's worried about her kissing, and Dena offers to practice with her like they used to, up until the age of thirteen. She also carefully explains that she is not, in fact, a lesbian, although she does consider sexuality to be a "continuum."
Andrea and Sam try the barstool spin one more time, only to come face to face with Regina, who's shown up to atone for the terrible sex talk they had earlier, and to be supportive. "Let's get my little girl laid!" she says. Sam, amnesia and all, figures this is bad. Yeah. I mean, unless Gene Simmons is at the bar, the mother-daughter tag-team isn't going to work for a lot of guys. Andrea laments going out with "a dork, her mother, and her stalker," calling it a "special needs field trip." Or a Peter Greenaway film. It's really the likeability of all the actresses that makes this scene much less annoying than I think it sounds.
Regina picks out a young man, and doesn't seem to understand why it's not a plus for Samantha that he "looks like Dad." Andrea irritatedly says that as the best friend, she's better qualified to find a man for Samantha. "That's right; I forgot you've had them all," snaps Regina. Sam's had enough of the bickering, and says since it's so important to them all, she's just going to do it. She turns around and starts offering herself up to the crowd. Dena helpfully brings over a nice, clean-cut young man named Jason, and Sam sticks her tongue down his throat. "Don't wait up," she tells the pussy posse.
We're in Jason's apartment. Here are some things that may indicate women like Samantha are rarely there: football mug, Incubus poster, an unseen always-wasted roommate who loudly plays Guitar Hero. It can't come to much of a surprise to anyway when Jason turns out to be a virgin, and not the actually-way-not-a-virgin-just-hasn't-had-sex-since-amnesia kind like Samantha is. "It was my friends' idea to take me out tonight to get me laid. Sorry. Being pressured to have sex. How lame is that?" he says. Yeah, that never happens. He offers to play the drums for her: "Some girls like that." Well, from what you've said, it appears not that many do, Jason. Sam now attempts to extricate herself from the responsibilities of deflowering Jason, saying she shouldn't be his first. "Why not? Because you're old?" says Jason, who, if he keeps it up, is going to make Andy Stitzer look like Hugh Hefner. Sam tells Jason that his first time shouldn't be with a stranger; it should be with someone who cares about him, with whom he has history...
And she flashes back to old pre-amnesia Samantha, with longer, straighter hair and more eyeliner, making out with Todd in the hallway outside his apartment the night they first had sex. She wants to do it in the hall. Todd's reluctant, not just about the possibility of really freaking out his neighbours but at the prospect of sleeping with Samantha, because he really likes her, and if she doesn't feel the same way, it's going to be tougher, and blah-blah-blah. Pre-amnesia Sam calls him "such a girl" before saying "okay," which is good enough for Todd. It's worth noting here that pre-amnesia Sam looks amazing. They keep making out and head inside. "That speech? Better not be the longest thing you do tonight," says Sam.
Back in the virgin's apartment, Jason's concerned that the unspeaking Sam may have had a stroke, like his grandmother. Jason, maybe you can just cryogenically freeze your penis, and someday, maybe science will have found a use for it. Sam hustles out the door, telling Jason to wait for the right person, as she's sure he's out there. "'He'?" says Jason. "She. Whatever. I don't judge," says Sam.
It's off to Todd's for a good old-fashioned booty call. He answers the door and she stomps in to babble incoherently about connection and memories and how they clearly started off well and whatnot. Then she's interrupted by some brunette who comes out asking Todd who was at the door. "Just Sam," he says! Samantha and the new woman awkwardly say "hi" to each other, and we go to commercial with a musical stinger that features the lyric "I'm not a virgin anymore."
"What's going on?" asks Sam, whose amnesia seems to have erased the concept of "breaking up." Todd introduces Julia, who says she's going to go start the movie. Coincidentally, they've rented Booty Call. No, they haven't. Pootie Tang, actually. Samantha is downright rude to Julia, who either doesn't notice or elects to let it go. Then Sam gets into an annoying argument with a confused Todd, an argument that does its best to erase a lot of the sympathy I have for Samantha. Fortunately, she leaves before it's all gone. On her way out, she informs Frank that she's not a virgin anymore. Once she's gone, he checks his watch and says, "And apparently, not a cuddler."
Samantha arrives home to find that once again, the only person in her bed is, unfortunately, her mother. Regina apologizes for showing up at the bar and says she just wanted them to be better at talking about stuff. Sam accepts the apology, but still asks her mom never to go there again. Fair enough. Sam snuggles into her mother's shoulder and says nothing happened with Jason. Regina pretends to be sorry for a moment, before admitting she's not. "Like it or not, you'll always be my little girl," she says, adding that she wants Samantha to save herself for someone special. "Why don't you just throw yourself at a shoe salesman?" yells her dad through the wall, prompting me to laugh out loud yet again. Regina yells back that she only did that so she wouldn't be so useless when she met the man she loved. Sam tries to help out by yelling at her father that tonight, Regina tried to set her up with a man who looked like him. This prompts him to actually enter the bedroom. "Is that true?" he says? And smiles. And Regina smiles.
And then, we hear, as does Samantha, through this house's apparently paper-thin walls, her parents canoodling. And I can't imagine any drought, no matter how severe, prompting me to think to myself, "Well, at least someone's doing it" as I hear my parents having sex. My body's natural defence mechanism would ensure that the sound of the vomiting drowned out the sound of mom and pop copulating, of that I am damn sure. It is entirely possible, though, that in order to escape the sounds of my parents rutting, I might go out to the garage to grab my bike and go for a ride. Minus the musical accompaniment and cheesy voiceover about how when the right person comes along, I will be ready, of course.