You know, I had a whole bunch of My Name Is Earl jokes ready to go, but then some unknown wag came up with "My Name Is Girl." And nothing I had was as good as that. So the show will be spared my constant (and no doubt annoying) remarks about how similar it is to the other show about a former ne'er-do-well trying to reform. Count your lucky stars.
We open in a hospital room, where...oh, God, there's a voice-over. Can I never escape? Anyway, the lovely blonde woman in the hospital bed is our heroine, Samantha Newly. She's in a coma, although you wouldn't know it from her hair -- it lacks the glossy shine I've come to expect from TV coma patients. She tells us that there are some good things about being in a coma -- the IV is fat-free, you sleep a lot, and you get regular sponge baths. It's like a spa, although without the facials and hair appointments. On the down side, her nose itches and she can hear everything her mother is saying. Her mother, Regina, played by Jean Smart, formerly of Designing Women and 24, is swanning around the room with a camcorder, recording her misery for posterity and the casting director of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. And then Samantha wakes up. Regina freaks out, yells for Samantha's father, Howard, to get a nurse, and asks Samantha to close her eyes so she can get another take. Samantha looks confused, and her lips move. They try to figure out what she's trying to say, wondering if maybe she just wants to kiss her mommy. What she wants to say, of course, is "Who are you?" If this were C.S.I., this is where we would cut to the credits.
Sam has amnesia, which you already knew from the promos, advertisements, and lukewarm reviews. A doctor is explaining the premise of the show to her parents and her friend Dena, played by Melissa McCarthy, formerly known as Sookie on Gilmore Girls. Sam scratches her nose and looks confusedly at the strangers staring at her. Regina is, as you would expect, hilarious, declaring how awful it is that Sam can't remember her eighth birthday party, since "I worked my fingers to the bone on that party." Howard formally introduces himself to Samantha and gives her his card. They should really make hospital gowns with pockets, just so you have a place to put the business cards people give you. Sam asks how long she was out, and Howard tells her, "Nineteen years." But he's joking -- it was really just eight days.
It's now the third day since Sam woke up, and she's still in the hospital. Her parents don't seem to understand the concept of amnesia. When Sam doesn't remember a particular relative, Regina thinks the solution is just to say the relative's name louder and louder, while Howard thinks the best approach is to explain how the relative is related to other relatives Sam can't remember. I think they should make up a little song explaining who everybody is. I bet that would work. I mean, it helped Marge pass the real estate license exam.
Day seven. Sam is leaving the hospital, walking to her mother while her father and some non-descript guy trail behind. Oh, the non-descript guy is Barry Watson, working off his bad TV karma from 7th Heaven. He looks nice without the floppy hair. Barry is playing Samantha's boyfriend, Todd. Of course, she can't remember him, and she's kind of creeped out by how strongly Regina is insisting that she kiss him. Sam has no intention of doing that, until she realizes that she has the choice of going home with a total stranger or with Regina and Howard. But she still can't bring herself to kiss Todd, which means she really can't bring herself to move in with him. Ah, I see -- she's a Rules girl.
Regina shows Sam into the house, which is decorated in all kinds of country Americana. I see at least three chickens in the very first shot. Regina notes that the house is due for a home makeover, although it's clearly not coming any time soon. Sam sees a piano and tries to see if she knows how to play. She does not, which Regina points out she could have just told her. And then Jennifer Esposito enters, holding a glass of champagne and wearing a hot red dress. Fortunately, she hasn't starred in any TWoP-covered shows, so I'm spared another link. Jennifer, who is playing Sam's best friend, Andrea, pulls her away from Regina and apologizes for not visiting Sam in the week she was in the hospital and awake. She complains about being too busy in court, but I can't tell at this point whether she was busy as a lawyer or as a defendant. Not that those are mutually exclusive choices. Of course, Sam doesn't know who Andrea is. Andrea takes the Regina approach, explaining very loudly who she is. And she's clearly very much like Regina, which explains why the two of them obviously hate each other. As Regina goes to refill Andrea's glass, Andrea pulls Sam away, explaining that her car is ready to whisk the two of them away from Mr. and Mrs. Newly. Unfortunately, Andrea is doing this not because Sam is actually some Matt-Damonesque superspy, but because Sam and her mother haven't spoken for two years. Sam asks Regina if this is true, but she claims not to recall. Sam: "How can you not recall?" Regina: "How can you not recall?" Sam: "I have amnesia. You're just lying."
Sam (suitcase in tow) knocks on a door and explains to the nondescript guy who answers (whom we only see from the back) that she's moving in with him, but that they're not going to have sex. A woman's voice calls out, asking "Dave" who's at the door. Samantha is saved from further embarrassment when Todd opens the door on the other side of the hall and explains to Sam that she's at the wrong apartment. Man, the doors on those apartments must be mighty thin if Todd heard her out in the hallway. I'm guessing "Dave" doesn't live in the building, or he'd likely already know Sam -- by sound if not by sight. Commercials.
Todd is showing Sam around the apartment, which is totally fabulous. It's all very awkward, and it becomes even more so when Sam listens to the messages on the answering machine and hears Todd's friends calling to congratulate him on his girlfriend getting run down by a car. Todd manages to silence the machine, and Sam asks him to describe their relationship. She's armed herself with a pad and pen so she can write down all the important details. Todd tells her that they're both passionate (which Sam cannily realizes means that they fight a lot), and then tries to convince her that she loves watching sports and cooking for him. Sam's cell phone rings. It's Andrea, who's at a busy club where she and Sam are supposed to be celebrating someone's birthday. Andrea: "Did you forget?" They get to use that joke exactly once. Andrea nags Sam to get dressed and come to the party (without telling her where it is), and Sam hangs up the phone and yells at Todd to get ready. He's confused, and has to explain to her that Renee (the birthday girl) is a work friend of hers that he's never met, that he doesn't normally go to parties with her, and that she thinks birthday parties are a "childish ploys for harvesting attention and gifts." She doesn't believe she ever said such a thing, but he informs her that it's what she said when she forgot his birthday. But Todd is either a nice guy or a doormat, so he offers to come to the party if that will make Sam happy. She tells him that she's also going to invite Dena, and then holds up a tiny little dress, asking with fear if the dress means that she has a daughter. It does not.
Sam and Todd arrive at the party. (I'm ignoring the continuing voice-over unless it tells us something we need to know.) She freaks out because she forgot her notebook in the car and because everybody knows things about her while she knows nothing about herself. Todd tells her some endearing little details about her day-to-day life and runs to the car to get the pad.
Sam enters the club, clutching her coat to her chest. The hostess tries to check the coat, and Sam resists -- not because she's forgotten how coat checks work, but because she's not entirely comfortable with the low-cut cleavage on the dress she's wearing. She looks around, hoping that someone will recognize her, but nobody does. That is, until a mysterious man runs past and pulls her into the coat-check room, where he asks her if she's been ignoring him because she's mad at him and then plants a big wet one on her. She tries to defend herself by reciting one of Todd's endearing facts and then nervously runs away from the kissing bandit.
Running through the bar, Sam finally finds Andrea. She complains about being kissed by a man, but Andrea is disappointed that it was just one. Sam asks for some facts about Renee and the other party guests before she walks into the celebration. Andrea starts out by telling her that Renee's a he, and that he's Sam's lover. Sam thinks that can't possibly be true, because Todd is her boyfriend. And then she sees the kissing bandit waving at her, and realizes he must be Renee. (Did I mention that the kissing bandit has some generic European accent? Because he does.) Commercials.
When we return, a title card tells us that "Renee" is actually "René." That was helpful. Sam notices some sexy chick whispering into René's ear and asks Andrea who she is. Andrea: "His wife. We don't like her. Write that down." Oh, and she pissily tells Sam that she wants to be called "Ohndrea." That's a whole extra letter for me to type, so I'm sticking with her name as it's spelled. Sam points out that Todd is about to enter the bar, and asks Andrea what the hell Sam was thinking. Just then, Dena runs up to them, breathlessly explaining that she was there early because she's always early because she's always convinced that whoever's invited her someplace is just playing a prank on her. But she's completely cheerful when she says it, so it's funny rather than sad. Well, okay, it's sad -- but I'm still laughing. I'm not sure if that says more about Melissa McCarthy's acting or my twisted little soul. Andrea wonders why this strange little person is speaking to them, and Dena explains that she's Sam's friend. Andrea doesn't believe it, but Sam has neither the time nor the memory to explain things, because she's just seen Todd enter the bar and runs to head him off.
Sam catches Todd in the coat room. She explains that she doesn't need him after all, and he's so relieved to be let off the hook that he runs off without a second thought. And then Andrea drags Dena into the coatroom and instructs her to tell Sam that she lied. Dena explains that she and Sam haven't really been close since the seventh grade, when Sam became more popular and Dena "became less and less. Much less." But when she heard about the accident, she went to the hospital, and Regina was so glad to see that Sam had at least one friend that she assumed Dena was a very close friend. Sam, near tears, asks Andrea if it's true that she has only one friend in the world. Andrea: "I'm the only friend you need." Some clubgoer assumes that Sam is the coat-check girl and gets all snippy asking for her coat. So Sam gets snippy back and calls the girl a prostitute. She's shocked at the words that came out of her mouth, but Andrea's thrilled to see that "[her] baby's still in there."
Andrea drags Sam off to speak to René, but Sam's not sure she wants to. There's some confusion between Dena and Andrea about whether Todd or René is Sam's main squeeze. Sam thinks Todd seems sweet, and Dena tells them, "If he was my boyfriend, I would lock the door and I would never let him out of the house. [Pause.] Which was a problem before, it is not now." Andrea points out all of René's good qualities (which include the fact that he gets them floor seats), but Sam can't look past the fact that he's married and is therefore a cheater. Andrea: "So are you; you're perfect for each other." Dena thinks that people can change (i.e., Sam can change from being a cheater), but Andrea thinks that if people could change, Dena would have already changed from being Dena. René walks over and apologizes for ignoring Sam. She gives him his gift (a pair of earrings), but he begs her not to leave, offering to take her off to Hawaii or Holland and promising to leave his wife, "right after the cake. I like cake." Sam asks him how many times in a row she sneezes (which is one of the endearing facts Todd shared with her earlier), and he gets all Howard Hughes and demands to know why she didn't tell him she had a cold before he kissed her. She smiles and tells Andrea, "You're right, we are perfect for each other. I just don't want to be." She takes the earrings back from René and gives them to Dena, and then finds her Alcoholics Anonymous thirty-day chip in her purse. She yells at Andrea for having given her a drink and storms off. Andrea: "Worst thirty days of my life."
And now we come to the worst scene in the show, which I refuse to recap in any detail. Sam is at an A.A. meeting, but she hasn't sat down because she can't decide what kind of pastry she likes or should eat. And then she tries to explain herself and freaks out over the thought that even if she might want to be a nice person, she might be destined to be the kind of person who cheats on her boyfriend with a married man and calls strange women prostitutes. Except all of this is done through a complicated pastry metaphor. And then the leader of the group throws her out of the meeting for being generally weird. Commercials.
Sam walks past a doorman standing in front of a fancy building. The doorman is played by Tim Russ, formerly known as Star Trek: Voyager's Tuvok. After passing by, she realizes that it's her building and returns. He opens the door, and she enters, but then she returns to note that she just rudely walked by him without thanking him or even knowing his name. And then she walks by him again, and returns again. But this time, she asks him his name ("Frank") and thanks him for opening the door.
Sam lies on the couch, voicing over about how she's not sure what to do now that she has a chance at a fresh start. She gets some cereal, and on the way past the bedroom door, she calls out to Todd and tells him, "René's a guy." And then she runs back to the living room.
Sam has clearly come clean about the entire affair (or at least the one kiss she remembers of it), and Todd seems quite angry. She tries to defend herself by claiming that since she doesn't know what she and René did, it's almost like she didn't do it. Todd's not hearing that, and she asks him not to be angry with her, since it was Bad Sam that had the affair. But he's not angry -- he's grateful, since he now has a good reason to break up with her. Again. You see, he broke up with her immediately before the accident and then didn't have the heart to tell her about it when she had amnesia. His mention of the coffee shop where he dumped her makes her remember that they met at the same coffee shop.
Flashback to Bad Sam. Bad Sam has longish hair that's not nearly as cute as the wavy bob that Good Sam is working. However, I am grateful that the two of them don't really look alike. Bad Sam is waiting in a long line at the coffee shop, and when Todd doesn't appear to claim his latte, she claims to be Todd and walks off with his drink. Except that he returns and catches her in the act. She is completely non-apologetic and is fully committed to the lie that her name is Todd. He has a big camera and asks to take her picture, because he wants a picture for the police of the woman who stole his coffee. As she walks away, she looks over her shoulder and flips him off.
In the present, Sam is looking at the picture that Todd took that day. With the obscene hand gesture cropped out, it's a lovely photo. Sam's ashamed at what an utter bitch she was. And then she offers to leave, and there's a very awkward bit where he won't hug her and clumsily kisses her hand to say goodbye. And then she punches him in the shoulder and squeezes his cute little cheeks. These two have more on-screen chemistry than any couple since Lrrr and Ndnd.
Sam and her luggage are back on the sidewalk in front of her building. She tells Frank that he probably knows more about her life than she does, since he sees her coming and going every night. He points out that he has no idea what she does on Thursday nights, since that's the night of his screenwriting class. He asks her where she goes from here, and she gives a tortured answer about the difficult work she has ahead of her to rebuild her life. He clarifies that he was just asking if she was going east or west. She's not sure. He quotes a Tom Waits song to her. She takes it in and then tells him that she doesn't understand what he's trying to say. He tries again, telling her, "If you're trying to tell a story, you'd best start at the beginning." Again, she's confused. I was afraid that they were going to write this character as the Magical Black Man with deep wisdom, but I think they're actually writing him as a guy who's trying to be the Magical Black Man but whose wisdom is really incomprehensible. Which could be funny, if they can sustain it. In any case, he clarifies that he's trying to tell her to go home. And you know how everyone thought Tim Russ gave a great performance as a Vulcan because he was completely flat and without affect? It turns out it might just be him and not his acting ability.
She knocks on the door of her parents' house. Regina answers, and Sam asks her to verify that she was not the person who tried to run Sam down. Regina doesn't answer, just calling to Howard that Sam has come home. Regina: "You can use your old room, you know where it is." Sam points out that she doesn't, actually. But Regina tells her to try to guess, because it will be fun. Sam: "You know, just one more question. Is there any chance that I was adopted?"