Rome TV Show - Rome Recaps, Rome Reviews & Rome Episodes | TWoP

By M. Giant

It's party time in ancient Rome; Julii Cooper throws a shindig to welcome Caesar home, and Vorenus gives a rather more modest feast to mark his entry into the private sector as a small businessman. But both events are marred by circumstances beyond their hosts' control. Julii Cooper is devastated to realize that Servilia is Caesar's mistress, which means that Julii Cooper's position in the new order won't be what she assumes. And Vorenus's party goes south when his sister-in-law shows up with her husband, the man who fathered Niobe's child. Vorenus doesn't learn the big secret, but in the effort to keep it quiet, a symbolic idol gets broken, which is an ill omen. Things go from ill to worse when Pompey's psychotic son Quintus shows up at Vorenus's place looking for the gold from the treasury. Vorenus, of course, has no idea what Quintus is talking about. Fortunately, a timely and showy arrival from an absurdly rich Pullo not only solves the mystery, but wins them the upper hand over Quintus. At Vorenus's insistence, Pullo offers the gold and Quintus to Caesar, who keeps one and sends the other back to his father with an offer of truce that he knows Pompey won't accept. And then Caesar's reputation both as an epileptic and as a pedophile is launched in a single scene. Later, the citizens cheer as the auguries turn out in Caesar's favor. And after what he paid for them, they'd bloody well better.

Fade up on a slow pan across a large, semi-military encampment at night. People are still up and walking about, and at least one of them is moaning and screaming in a way that suggests that something worse is happening to him than having his marshmallows fall off his stick into the campfire. Eventually we see the silhouette of the screamer hanging upside-down in leg-irons from a tree branch, and another silhouette doing something to the first silhouette, but it's not clear what that is. Safe to say it doesn't involve marshmallows, though.

Inside one of the nearby tents, Pompey, Brutus, and a handful of the Senators most loyal to Pompey are hanging out, listening to the screaming with varying degrees of discomfort. Most of the men are wearing leather armor, except of course for Cato, who's decked out in his usual off-the-shoulder toga. I wonder if he considered attempting that look in leather and decided that it would just make him look like an octogenarian dominatrix. Pompey assures everyone that they'll be sleeping in nice, warm houses the day after tomorrow. Cicero remarks, "Here we are, refugees in our own land--" Pompey corrects "refugees" to "maneuvering," which I'm certain is a word that would go over well with all the Americans that have been maneuvering from hurricanes this month -- "...while the tyrant sits in Rome. Yet in my tent, I sleep sound and deep as a child." Another scream rips though the night. "Though perhaps not tonight," Cicero amends, picking at a plate of food. Pompey offers a slightly affronted apology for the ambience, but says that it'll be over soon. "Quintus has a knack for this kind of thing," Pompey assures everyone. Pompey exposits that his son arrived this morning, just as the screaming stops, to Cicero's relief: "Screaming makes poor sauce, I find," he comments, and goes back to his dinner. I think this is one of the first times I've seen a character on this show eating at a table instead of reclining on the floor like they usually are. Must be the new director they have this week. Pompey praises Quintus's loyalty and fearlessness, and Brutus assures him that nobody thinks otherwise of his son.

At that, Quintus himself enters the tent. I could say that Quintus has "Napoleon complex" written all over him, but this is before the time of Napoleon. I could say he looks like one of those guys who compensate for their small size by cultivating a sadistic streak a mile wide, but this is also before the time of De Sade. So I'll just say "vicious chipmunk" and have done with it. Quintus brings the news that the suspect he's been torturing confessed. "Blood, on your face," Pompey says sharply. "Wash yourself." Interesting detail there that shows how civilized these conquering, raping, looting, murdering, slave-owning, bad-haircut-having pagans really were. That being taken care of, Pompey asks what happened to his man Durio and the gold from the treasury. Quintus says that the soldiers killed Durio and headed north on the Via Flaminia with the gold, where they ran into Caesar's scouts. Which we knew, except for the name of the road, which would have come in handy while recapping last week. And now I'm wondering how the driver/drover who was escaping to the north ended up getting caught by Pompey's men. We'll never know, so I'm letting it go. Pompey doesn't believe the story, since he has recent word that Caesar doesn't have the gold. Quintus vouches for his torture guy, saying that the story must be true. The scouts must have just kept the gold for themselves, Quintus guesses. "Go find these scouts," Pompey orders. When Quintus says he will, Pompey shouts, "Now!" Quintus heads out, looking mildly put out that he's not even going to get any dinner after a hard evening of torturing. Pompey takes the opportunity to indulge in some more of his usual optimism, saying that since Caesar doesn't have the treasury, he won't be able to afford to control Rome without violence, which will turn the populace against him. Outside, Quintus polishes up a wicked little hooked blade he has and takes off. "Without the people, [Caesar] has nothing," Pompey promises. I'd be more inclined to believe Pompey's optimistic projections if (a) a single one of them had turned out correct to date, and (b) his black leather tunic didn't make him look like an inner tube.

By M. Giant

As if to further give the lie to Pompey's statement, we now cut to the streets of Rome in daylight, where platoons of armed soldiers are marching around impressively. Meanwhile, the Town Crier is on his box in the middle of the Forum, announcing that martial law has been declared: "Groups of more than three men shall not congregate in public spaces." Also, there's a curfew on. "Long live Gaius Julius Caesar, savior of our Republic," he finishes, looking around the nearly empty forum to see if there's anyone who remembers his declaration a couple of weeks ago that Caesar is an enemy of Rome. Lucky for him, there's that rule about groups of more than three. Couldn't have been more than a couple of guys who heard what he just said, and they're standing right to him threateningly, probably to make sure he doesn't go off-script. Whatever. I'm sure that he, for one, welcomes the new Caesarean overlords.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Caesar himself walks through the Forum at the head of a platoon. Nice. They build up his return for three weeks, and we never even got to see him march through the gate. What a gyp. They'd better make up for it by showing lots of sex later. Caesar's ditched the armor and the white horse for the occasion, and is instead dressed in one of those red-trimmed white togas that we've seen the Senators wear during meetings. It's good that even after being gone eight years, Caesar still has people who can get him caught up on the latest fashions. The soldiers halt at the foot of the steps to the building with the red-and-white columns, and Caesar mounts the steps alone, except for all the guys flanking the path into the entrance, who are wearing dark red robes and facepaint and chanting, "Jupiter optimus maximus." This must be the temple of Jupiter, I guess. Or they're protesters, and this is the ancient Roman equivalent of a Planned Parenthood clinic. They seem too calm for that, though. Caesar enters.

The opening credits sequence for this show features a shot of a large, white exterior wall that's divided into numbered and lettered sections, with cubbyholes to stick things into. Someone's up on a ladder, doing something with one of the cubbyholes at this point in the episode. I don't fully understand the purpose of this installation, but I think it's some kind of municipal calendar/bulletin board. Where's Steve, my wisecracking time-traveler? I need to hear somebody explain this to him. Caesar's sassy servant Posca walks along past this wall, while another guy stands alone in the plaza chanting, "Jupiter optimus maximus." It seems weird to have people chanting in a different language that people actually spoke then, when we normally hear them speaking English. If they're going to "translate" the dialogue and numbers, seems like they should "translate" everything. But then I suppose it wouldn't be too impressive to have people standing around repeating, "Jupiter is the most optimistic" or whatever that phrase means.

Inside the temple, a large, bronze statue of Jupiter sits, holding a plate of something with one hand while using the other to boldly gesture, "Who's the man? Who's the optimus maximus? Thass right, mortal bitches. Recognize." At Jupiter's feet sit five priests, of whom Caesar requests auguries "so that Rome might know if the gods favor my actions." The Chief Augur points out that Caesar entered Rome under arms: "I must warn you, that seldom augurs well." Kind of odd to hear somebody using that expression literally. Caesar says that the gods know his intentions are peaceful, and so must the people. The priests consult, and the Chief Augur says that auguries will be taken "on the first clean morning." Whatever a clean morning is. Caesar nods gratefully.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Posca approaches Julii Cooper's house, where her staff is busily cleaning up and/or painting over graffiti that's been scrawled on its walls. Since the hostile Latin phrases went largely over my head last week, they're fixing that this week by showing us one that simply reads "Caesar Tyrannus" over a large drawing of a head fellating a giant cock. Well, I guess Latin isn't as difficult as I thought. The servant reaches the front gate and meets Julii Cooper's slave, Castor. They greet each other warmly, commiserating over each other's positions in life. Posca calls himself "a slave of a rebel," while Castor says, "For true misery, try bondage to a bloody-minded woman." I suppose that if she's in the habit of doing stuff like this, some is bound to leak through. The two men go inside the compound and take a seat as Caesar's guy relays his boss's request for no shellfish at the party Julii Cooper's apparently hosting today -- her third in as many episodes, the hedonist -- and Castor looks over the guest list that Caesar has sent along. Posca says he hopes Julii Cooper is aware of the honor given her: "She is first lady of Rome, in effect." Castor wonders what that makes Caesar's wife, then. Posca explains that Caesar needs Calpurnia to be pretty much a statue of sorts. Lucky, lucky Calpurnia. Posca, noticing Castor's attention to the list, says that it includes "every aristo and optimate left in the city." Castor asks seriously, "Caesar's not planning on killing them, is he?" Posca casually but just as seriously says he doesn't think so. "My mistress doesn't like surprises," Castor warns. I'll bet she doesn't like being killed, either. She seems like the type.

Julii Cooper's first unpleasant surprise of the day has already presented itself, as she goes over the guest list in her bedchamber, surrounded by her slave women as well as Castor. The big question on her mind is why Caesar is inviting Servilia of the Julii. She wonders if there's anything going on between Caesar and "a raddled old sandal like her." She says she won't let Servilia get between her and Caesar, and hops over onto the bed, where Mark Antony is peacefully sleeping. At least, he is until Julii Cooper spoons up and taps him on the back, asking why Servilia's invited. "On account of her son, obviously," Mark Antony slurs sleepily. "For this you wake me?" Without getting off of him, Julii Cooper takes the chance to assure herself that Caesar's merely maintaining a symbolic friendship with Brutus: "There's no love there. It's just politics." Funny, if you replace the word "love" in that comment with "sex," "violence," or "almost anything remotely interesting," you end up with a pretty decent recaplet of this episode. "Dear gods, woman, would you let me sleep?" Mark Antony moans. Way ahead of you there, dudeus.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Extreme close-up of the testicles being sliced off of a fresh goat carcass. I so did not need to see that. But I'm better off than Octavian, who has the sliced-up delicacy presented to him at breakfast with his mother. Suddenly I'm recapping Fear Factor. While Octavia skulks behind the foliage in the courtyard, Julii Cooper tells her son, "Eat them while they're warm, my dear. They'll put oak in your penis." Ow, that sounds painful. Oh, she means from the inside. Octavian and his new, less Christopher-Atkins-ish haircut refuse. Julii Cooper insists, "You've been developing a distinctly feminine anima and I do not like it." Octavian says that he's normal for his age, but Julii Cooper says that there wasn't a slave girl safe when her grandfather was Octavian's age. If she has to go back four generations, it's not such a strong argument, I'm thinking. She says Octavian's not leaving until he eats his testicles like a good boy. Julii Cooper's cook Demeter arrives in time to receive Julii Cooper's instructions for no shellfish: "And be sure the lampreys are not overcooked. Boil them long enough to kill them, no more." How much worse than the cuisine Octavian's used to can goat testicles be? Realizing his mom's not bluffing, Octavian takes a bite and gags almost immediately. Julii Cooper leaves him to it, satisfied that her instructions are being followed. As usual.

Now that Octavian's alone at the table, Octavia comes out of hiding to ask her brother nervously whether Julii Cooper had Glabius killed. Octavian says that he can't prove a negative, but he's as sure as he can be that Julii Cooper is innocent. Of this, at least. Octavia makes him swear on Jupiter's stone: "If she did kill him, by the Furies, I'd open her throat with my teeth." She leaves Octavian sitting there with his three and a half testicles, wondering if it's too late to change his answer.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Vorenus's youngest daughter approaches a shrine to some god. She places a small bunch of grapes on the altar and takes an equally small bunch off, and then runs through the streets for about five minutes. That's some good recappin' right there. She finally arrives at a little courtyard, where her parents appear to be preparing for some big party. She presents the grapes to her mother, who's putting together a little shrine of her own. I can tell because there's a little clay head on the table in front of Niobe. Vorenus, meanwhile, is giving money to some woman and complaining that he could buy ten feasts in Narbo for what he's paying her. The woman comments that "Narbo isn't full of corpses and soldiers and decent people too scared to come out of their houses." Vorenus says that it's an auspicious day, and that he's not about to start a business without a feast. The woman remembers the last time soldiers were in the city, under Sulla: "Blood? You could paint houses with it." And here I have a confession to make. You know how the Temple of Jupiter has those columns that are red on the bottom and white on top? When I first saw that building in the magazine ads before the show premiered, I thought it was the aftermath of some blood flood. Silly me. But there are eight episodes left, so here's hoping. Vorenus complains about the price some more, and the woman relates a cautionary tale about a woman who was so cheap she served whelks at her womb funeral and was laughed at in the street. Womb funeral? Are we sure it was the whelks they were laughing at? Vorenus has already tuned out, as he and Niobe and their youngest are partaking of the stolen grapes. Vorenus kneels before the idol and says, "Divine Janus, I offer this feast to you. I humbly beg that you will be gracious and merciful to me and my house." Niobe looks skyward with a silent prayer of her own, which no doubt has something to do with the baby their oldest daughter is currently cradling at a nearby table. Vorenus continues, "And you will smile upon this new business venture I begin today." I guess with Janus, there's always a fifty-fifty chance of that. Vorenus still has his head bowed when they're interrupted by a little person in a dark, off-the-shoulder toga like Cato's, only smaller. The dwarf announces that Vorenus is wanted by Mark Antony. "Now?" Vorenus asks. "Of course not. year," the dwarf says sarcastically. Wow, even two thousand years ago dwarfs were wise-asses.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Quick cut to year, as the dwarf ushers Vorenus into another courtyard, where Mark Antony greets Vorenus pleasantly. "I barely recognize you without a bloody sword in your hand," he joshes. Vorenus doesn't return the compliment, even though Mark Antony is also in a position we haven't seen him in before: he's standing there with his arms spread wide while some guy runs some scraping instrument or another over him. Oh, and Mark Antony's also bare-ass naked. Little Mark Antony is hanging right out in the breeze. "Off with you, Cato," Big Mark Antony says, and the little person scurries off. Mark Antony waits for Vorenus to laugh at his little joke (see what I did there?), but Vorenus, being a loyal Catonian, isn't amused. Mark Antony, the frame now decently cutting him off just below the chest, asks Vorenus how civilian life is going. Vorenus says it's going fine. Mark Antony points out that he could have Vorenus crucified for desertion, but Vorenus argues that "Once over the Rubicon, Romans are citizens, not soldiers. I could not legally do other than I did." Mark Antony brushes aside this rather pointed criticism of his own actions, as well as the speech Vorenus begins about the way things have been since the founding of Rome. "Things change," Mark Antony says. "Life is water, not stone." "Then I suppose I will drown," Vorenus replies pleasantly. Mark Antony claims that Caesar is trying to save Rome, but Vorenus doesn't see it that way.

Mark Antony brushes off the guy scraping him and asks what kind of business Vorenus is getting into. He answers, "Imported goods from Gaul. Slaves, truffles, wine, that sort of thing." Mark Antony mocks Vorenus for wanting to become a "grocer," putting a cloth around his waist and rinsing his hair, adding that the tedious work will soon send a fighting man like Vorenus straight up a wall. Vorenus mildly agrees that that's possible. Finally, Mark Antony cuts to the chase: "I need you, Vorenus. Caesar needs you. No better man in the legion, none more respected by the men." When did Vorenus go from being a stooge who was dispensable enough to send on a wild goose chase to an invaluable hero of the legion? Oh, maybe when he succeeded at the wild goose chase. Never mind. Mark Antony promises, "We have hard fighting ahead." Well, there certainly hasn't been much hard fighting behind so far. Vorenus doesn't want to fight Romans, but Mark Antony says that "Blood is blood." Why, what a factually correct and yet totally meaningless argument. Mark Antony makes Vorenus an offer: he'll be inducted into the Evocati (whatever that it) as a Prefect of the first grade (whatever that is), with a signing bonus of 10,000 sesterce (however much that is). Are there a lot of dinarii in a sesterce? Or do sesterce go into dinarii? Or did they totally switch currencies in the past week? I suppose I could look it up, but if I start looking up everything I don't understand on this show, I'll never make another deadline again. In any case, Vorenus's expression suggests that it's a lot. But he isn't changing his mind. "You grieve me, Vorenus," Mark Antony says, grieved. "You grieve me deeply." He dismisses Vorenus, who turns to leave with an awkward "Good day, Citizen." Mark Antony calls Vorenus back with a warning that he might not be so kind the time he sees Vorenus. I hope I don't ruin any Mark Antony ogling for anyone when I say that when he smirks, he reminds me of Adrian Zmed.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Niobe's having her fortune told in the form of an entrail-reading. Did she have to bring her own entrails to read? Well, not her own, obviously, but did she have to bring them from home, or does the diviner provide them? So many questions. I hope Steve the Wisecracking Time-Traveler gets here soon. The diviner slices up a section and digs through it, saying that although she isn't certain, Niobe's secret is probably safe. Niobe asks what good that does her, and the diviner says that it might help if Niobe could tell the diviner what she's hiding. Because then it would be certain, I guess, although the diviner doesn't say as much. Niobe says that it involves a child, and the diviner suddenly sees a male child in the guts. Or she was just playing the odds. Niobe gives up and gets ready to pay. The diviner volunteers that Niobe's husband is going to be rich as Croesus. But judging by her face, that news doesn't prompt Niobe to give her a huge tip. Nice try, though.

Julii Cooper is getting made up for her party. Servants parade by with a succession of fancy wigs. She contentedly contemplates the tonsorial menu.

Less content is Servilia, who appears to be going wigless and has a much smaller makeup crew. "What did I look like eight years ago?" she asks her maid. "Just the same," the maid says, wisely. Servilia's doubtful that eight years haven't taken their toll on her. I say she's a perfectly attractive lady. She's got kind of a Mary Steenburgen thing going on, but with crazy Roman hair. "Eight years of leathery Gallic trollops," the maid scoffs. "When did [Caesar] last see a real lady?" Servilia looks like she wants to be reassured, but won't let herself. How different she and Julii Cooper are. At least, that's what I think was engraved on the anvil that just plowed into my forehead.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Servilia's true love, meanwhile, is spending money. With Posca, Caesar's pacing around on the street and going over which city officials to bribe and how much. Posca complains that the amount they're spending won't leave them enough to run the city: "We must kill some rich men and take their money very soon." Caesar wants to put that off until absolutely necessary. "A fine, novel strategy," Posca agrees. "The element of surprise, no doubt." "Later you may nag me," Caesar declares as his wife, Calpurnia, emerges from the house and joins him in the street. They begin their stately walk to Julii Cooper's party. He takes her hand while she fishes for compliments on her outfit. "Exactly right, my dear," Caesar says. "Regal, but not excessively so." It is a nice outfit, all sky-blue draped silks and sparkly bits. Too bad it's attached to a face that could stop a sundial.

Vorenus is also in his party clothes: a fancier, multilayered toga and a garland on his head. He pulls off the headpiece and frets that nobody's going to show up to his party, but Niobe kindly reassures him, even when he says she was right in suggesting that he wait. Niobe's also looking fancy, dressed in a lovely purple gown and wearing flowers in a big hairdo that protrudes about a foot behind her head. Smiling, she advises Vorenus, "Try to smile occasionally. And don't bark at them." Before Vorenus can scowl at her and bark that he always smiles, the first guests arrive. As the hosts rise to greet them, Niobe quietly explains who their guest of honor is to Vorenus -- and, more importantly, to us: "Erastes Fulmen...building trades, fire insurance, olives." Talk about diversifying. Erastes booms out Vorenus's name and embraces him warmly, and then introduces his wife, Phyllis, who makes Calpurnia look like a stone fox. Vorenus directs them to seats, while Fulmen stops for a gesture of respect to the idol of Janus which has pride of place in the center of the courtyard. to arrive is Niobe's sister. We know this only because Niobe addresses her as "Sister." Because there's no family resemblance, I'll tell you that for free. And guess who Niobe's brother-in-law is? Yes, you got it in one: he's the stalkery father of Niobe's child. Niobe nervously secures assurances from her sister that everything's all right, and her sister tells her not to worry. Vorenus comes to say hello to the sister-in-law, Lyde, whom he hasn't seen for eight years and barely recognizes. She introduces her husband, Evander. Vorenus warmly shakes his cuckolder's hand, welcoming him and thanking him for the pig for the feast. But not for the greedy little piglet, of course, because he doesn't know about that yet.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

A crazy-fancy red wig with black braids and all manner of jewelry embedded in it walks around Julii Cooper's place, surveying the numerous and equally well-decked-out partygoers. The wig turns and we see that it's being worn by Julii Cooper herself, who went with the one with the three inches of blonde "roots." She notices that Servilia has just arrived, and makes her way over to greet her. Servilia, having gone with a complicated updo that points aggressively out to the sides, thanks Julii Cooper for inviting her as they air-kiss. Julii Cooper lies that she insisted Servilia come: "Whatever misfortune befalls you, we're still friends, nay?" Servilia sees right through it, and heads on into the party without another word. Julii Cooper comments to her old-lady servant, "She has a good cosmetics slave, I grant you, but a lover for Caesar? Absurd." I wish I understood the relationship between Servilia and Julii Cooper aside from being threatened by each other. I mean, obviously they have the same last name, "of the Julii," but beyond that I have no idea.

Caesar himself walks to Julii Cooper's house, dressed in his red-and-gold party toga and surrounded by a huge retinue that more than makes up for the fact that he doesn't have a limo. One of his men bangs on the door with what can't possibly be a musket barrel no matter how much it looks like one. When Castor opens up, Caesar's man bellows, "Make way for the Proconsul Gaius Julius Caesar! Son of Venus! Imperator of the Gallic legions! Stand aside and open up!" When Caesar enters the party with Calpurnia at his side (leaving all those other guys out on the street), all of the guests not already standing get to their feet. Julii Cooper hurries to greet him first, with her children at her side. They face Caesar and bow. "Please, you mock me," Caesar says. "It's only your uncle Gaius. Lift your heads." When they obey, Caesar repeats the request to the room at large. He sure knows how to play the "man of the people" routine. He should tell the guy who announced his arrival. "My dear niece," he says to Julii Cooper, who calls him "revered uncle" and welcomes him home. Caesar steps down into the silent room and begins to circle it, surveying the guests. Not many "aristos and optimates" remain in the city, because there can't be many more than fifty people here. The person he greets by name is Servilia. Calpurnia follows suit as Servilia curtseys. "I'm very sorry your son is not here with you," Caesar says pointedly. Servilia says she's sorry too, and hopes Caesar will forgive Brutus: "He is ever your friend." "I understand completely," Caesar says, speaking for no one else. Or maybe he's just distracted by the older woman standing behind Servilia, who's got her hair done up to make herself look like an Independence Day alien. Caesar asks Servilia to send Brutus his regards "and assure him that he will never have reason to regret our friendship." Well, no, Brutus won't. "Nor will any of you," he announces to the room, "regardless of where your allegiances may have lain in the past." The Chief Augur nearly chokes on a dormouse.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

A party of cloaked horsemen ride across the Italian countryside, Quintus at their head. Ominous music heralds the inexorable approach of the vicious chipmunk.

Moments later, a guy we'll later learn is Quintus's torture guy, Volpe, is requesting admission into the city. The guard asks a few questions, and then lets in the party without admitting any of the non-Latin-speaking foreigners also swarming the door. As martial-law security goes, it's pretty damn September 10, if you ask me. "Tell your brutes to stay away from decent women," the guard tells Volpe, who pleasantly agrees and continues on his way.

Vorenus's banquet is in full swing. He's sitting to Erastes, who's beginning to show signs of turning the supper conversation into a political minefield. Vorenus remains noncommittal, until Erastes mentions "your man." "If you mean Caesar," Vorenus says as neutrally as he can, "he's not my man anymore." During the lull, Vorena comes to the table with the baby, who's screaming. Probably hungry. Do you suppose Niobe will try a "hey, everyone, look how much the baby loves his grandmother" trick? No, instead, Evander moves to comfort the child while Erastes offers his help in business to Vorenus and calls for more wine. Niobe's sister, Lyde, angrily gets up from the table and stomps off.

Over at Julii Cooper's party, Caesar and Mark Antony are busy humoring the Chief Augur, who's going on about the latest fads in augury. Which is a phrase you probably won't see me using in a 24 recap. "One might as well be Syrian," the Chief Augur complains. Mark Antony agrees. "Scythian, even," he smirks Zmedly, while Caesar gives his general a surreptitious watch it, there glance. The Chief Augur says he's heard that Caesar is of "modish opinion" himself. Caesar denies it, saying that he believes religion is the province of priests: "Mere soldiers like myself best not interfere." Unless they're ready to drop a whole shitload of money on it, of course. But I get ahead of myself.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

As Caesar and Mark Antony leisurely pedeconference, they pass Julii Cooper, who exhorts Octavian to "say something witty." "I have nothing such to say," Octavian responds. "You know I cannot talk small, mother." Ah, HA HA HA HAAAA! Oh, he was being serious. Never mind. Julii turns to Octavia to regale the guests with some poetry. "She can rattle off pages of the stuff," she says with a tipsy shoulder-check to Calpurnia, who looks mightily offended at her host's familiarity. Reluctantly, Octavia recites, "Easy it is to go down into Hell/ The gates of death are ever open/ To climb back out again, that's the difficulty." Well, that was...prosaic. Julii Cooper pronounces it "a touch dark," and confides to Calpurnia, "She lost her husband, you know." Octavia gets up and leaves.

Over at the pleb party (have you heard? There are two Romes!), the eating's over and the dancing has begun. There's music and everything. They make sure to let us have a glimpse at the musicians packed into an alcove so that we don't think Vorenus hired a DJ or something, but their musical pantomime is about as convincing as that of the house band at Chuck E. Cheese. The dance floor is packed. Even Vorenus is partaking, but of course he's just sort of shuffling in a circle with a little girl, looking terribly embarrassed.

Lyde is also out on the floor, dirty-dancing with some young guy who's not her husband. Evander looks on unhappily. Vorenus returns to his table to chat up Erastes some more, oblivious. As Niobe watches her sister act out, her nosy neighbor Mrs. Kravus comes up to her and suggests that it's time to get Lyde out of there. Niobe asks Mrs. Kravus to go suggest as much to Evander. Mrs. Kravus does, but Evander doesn't think Lyde wants to go. "So make her go," Mrs. Kravus bosses. Evander tries to cut in and get Lyde to leave with him, but she wants to stay. And if Evander doesn't leave her alone, she says, "I'll tell our brave soldier such a good tale." This is accompanied by an unhinged smile in the direction of Vorenus, who's cluelessly schmoozing with Erastes. "And kill us all?" Evander says. "Is that what you want?" As they make more and more of a scene, the noise they make is drowned out by the music and the dancers, at least for now. Niobe approaches them to remind Lyde desperately that she made a vow to Persephone to hold her peace. Lyde calls Vorenus a blind fool, and then repeats it at top volume. Now even Vorenus knows something up, and he's on his way over to investigate. As the music accelerates, so does the altercation in the middle of the dance floor, until they tip over the little shrine to Janus and the god's clay head shatters on the ground. Vorenus freezes in horror. This must be bad. On the plus side, all of the little Roman children who were turned into real-life versions of their Halloween costumes are back to normal now.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

The Chief Augur is by himself again at Julii Cooper's. Caesar approaches Posca and asks, "Wife?" Posca thinks a minute -- or maybe he realizes how much of their money is about to get spent -- and answers, "Caecilia." Without wasting another moment, Caesar approaches the Chief Augur and sits to him, apologizing for forgetting Caecilia's last birthday. The Chief Augur has no idea what this is about, even as Mark Antony takes up position on the other side of him. Caesar wonders if Caecilia would forgive Caesar's rudeness if he offered a gift. The Chief Augur says that's not necessary, and Caesar pretends that means it's hard to know what to give a woman. "Perhaps she would accept some money," Mark Antony blurts. Handy for Caesar to have a vulgarian around sometimes. He readily agrees: "A hundred thousand sesterce, say?" Wow, that's ten times the signing bonus for a reluctant first-grade prefect in the Evocati! But the Chief Augur laments that his wife is a woman of expensive tastes. "The best women often are," Mark Antony remarks. Caesar offers 150,000. The Chief Augur complains significantly, "She would dress her slaves in silk if I would let her. She eats oysters for breakfast. Daily." "She should be most careful," Mark Antony Zmeds, leaning in close. "People often choke on oysters." Caesar, ever the carrot man, offers 200,000, which the Chief Augur pronounces "a very generous and, I may say, appropriate gift." "We understand each other," Caesar says, and turns to a waiting Posca to say, "Make a note of it. Two hundred to the Chief Augur." "Thinks he's Midas, the loon," Posca mutters. It's not immediately clear which loon he's referring to.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Quintus, Volpe, and their group of hit men get directions from someone in the street. The vicious chipmunk closes in.

Over at Vorenus's, the party is most definitively over. Niobe squats on the ground sweeping up the fragments of Janus, and suggesting to Vorenus that they go and have the day absolved. Vorenus complains, "An omen is an omen, and this is as bad as they come. No point throwing money at it. Your sister and her husband can never come here again." "As you say," Niobe says, trying to sound unhappy about it.

The little scene is interrupted when Quintus's party strolls in. "Salve, pleb," Volpe says insolently. "Centurion Lucius Vorenus?" Vorenus comes around the table, asking what's going on. Quintus demands the location of the treasury gold, "and be quick about it, dog." Vorenus still has no idea what Quintus is on about, even when one of his henchmen presses the point of his curved sword under Vorenus's jaw, and even when Niobe is grabbed and a knife held to her throat as well. Kevin McKidd's Scottish accent gets very pronounced when he insists that he doesn't know of any gold. Quintus walks him through it: he knows that Vorenus was the Chief of Scouts in the XIIIth legion, and that he stopped a grain wagon on the Via Flaminia last week. Vorenus denies none of it: "We did. Driven by soldiers disguised. We chased the soldiers and left the wagon." As Vorenus says this, a litter surrounded by cheering peasants comes to a stop outside. We can't see who it is, though, because the top of the archway cuts off our view of the litter's passenger. I have a theory, though. Quintus asks if Vorenus never returned to the wagon, and Vorenus says that there wasn't time, given his orders. As far as Vorenus knows, the wagon is still where he left it. As the litter outside is lowered to the ground, revealing its passenger to be none other than Titus Pullo (yep, that was my theory), Quintus pronounces Vorenus's story a lie and orders his man to carve a chunk out of Niobe.

But before that happens, Quintus notices the commotion outside and raises his hand for a halt. He turns and looks as Pullo -- dressed in a fine blue sash over his soldier's tunic, his hair a bit longer, and with that Jennifer-Lopez-looking slave girl all dressed up at his side -- tosses coins to the crowd he's attracted. "A clamor for my beloved friend Lucius," he calls. The crowd obliges as Pullo happily approaches the courtyard, asking his beloved friend, "Why so glum and gloomy?" But he soon sees the answer, getting serious at the sight of the armed men holding the Vorenii at bay. Vorenus in particular is developing a severe case of razor burn before our very eyes. "Who's this, then?" Pullo asks of Quintus. Volpe answers, "His noble honor Quintus Pompey, commander of Tyrrhenian Fleet. Neptune's Scourge." Pullo acts all mock-impressed at the "Neptune's Scourge" bit. "Looking for a wagon of treasury gold," rumbles Vorenus, who's almost certainly figured it out now. Quintus says something threatening to Pullo, who responds, "You be off now, short-ass. And take these scum with you." Neptune's Scourge prepares to draw, but Pullo has already thrown a shower of coins into the air as a diversion. The beggars who've followed him in dive for the money, knocking Quintus's men over. Quintus himself lunges straight at Vorenus, who bounces Quintus's head off the banquet table a couple of times while Niobe watches from the safety of the staircase. I don't know where the slave girl is during all this. If she thinks that by hiding she's going to escape my nicknaming her J. No, she's got another think coming.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Even though it's nighttime, Julii Cooper's party is still going on. Posca comes and whispers to Caesar, who excuses himself, bidding Mark Antony with a look to join him. As Caesar passes Servilia, he slows ever so slightly before moving on. Servilia smiles, equally slightly. Julii Cooper -- though not particularly big on subtle reactions herself -- is nonetheless capable of noticing them. She realizes that something's up. And it's under Caesar's toga.

Quintus is out in the stableyard, lying on the ground, conscious and grunting through his gag. Pullo paces to him, and J. No huddles nearby, stripped of her finery. Pullo snaps to again as Mark Antony and Caesar come outside, the former saying, "Pullo, you scoundrel. What have you done now?" Pullo begins to explain himself to Caesar, but first things first to Mark Antony: "Who's this?" Pullo introduces Quintus, and Mark Antony cackles, "Quintus, my old cock! How good to see you so!" Caesar breaks his silence by coldly snapping at Pullo, "Explain." Pullo begins, but Caesar stops him and pulls him to one side when he learns that Pompey's men stole the gold from the treasury. Out of TV earshot of Quintus, he asks, "Pompey does not have it?" "He doesn't, sir," Pullo says excitedly, and then starts babbling to get himself out of trouble. Stone-faced, Caesar cuts Pullo off and asks where the gold is now. Pullo says that he buried it in the woods a couple of miles from the Flaminian Gate. Caesar finally cracks a smile, turns his eyes skyward, and breathes, "Thank you." No, thank you, Caesar. I've been watching this show for four weeks while everything goes just right for Caesar in his little campaign, riding the inexorable tide of history like he knows exactly where it's taking him, and he acts like it's all part of his master plan when in fact he's just the second-luckiest damn bastard in the Republic. Showing some sign that he recognizes that, even for a moment, does more to humanize him than anything I've seen from him so far.

Inside the party, the main event is about to begin. As servants carry out a cooked but intact bird, feathers and all, dancers take up position to begin a floor show that will no doubt turn salacious in short order. Julii Cooper suspiciously watches Servilia, who is giving nothing away. Octavian, goat testicles notwithstanding, shows no interest in the display and gets up to leave.

Out among the stables, Pullo removes the gag from Quintus's mouth so that Caesar can talk to him. As Octavian wanders out and takes up position where he can do what he does best (eavesdrop), Caesar tells a defiant Quintus that he's sending him back to his father with an offer of truce. "A truce?" Mark Antony repeats incredulously. Caesar has to tell his general to shut it twice before he complies. Caesar reiterates his offer to Quintus: "An equable truce, on good terms. If violence continues, it will not be my doing, but that of your father and his allies." Wouldn't violence have to, you know, begin? And isn't the fact that it hasn't kind of Pompey's doing, what with the running away and all? In any case, Quintus is unimpressed with the offer: "Two full moons will see you on a spike in the forum." Mark Antony furiously calls Quintus a wretch (a wretch? Brrrr!), but Caesar just mildly instructs that Quintus be put astride a horse. Dude, your niece already gave you one horse. Now you're going to steal another one? Ingrate.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

As the floor show builds up and the dancers' clothes begin to come off, Julii Cooper slinks over to Servilia, whispering in her ear and trying to get some confirmation that something's going on between her and Caesar. Servilia plays it cool, but Julii Cooper is not to be deterred. She says she can't blame Caesar, stroking Servilia's face and purring, "Such beauty." Servilia slowly takes Julii Cooper's hand and moves it away, rather than twisting it clean off as she obviously wants to. Julii Cooper turns to Calpurnia for validation, raising her voice enough to project it beyond the three-foot conversational barrier of empty space and say, "She has none of the goatishness one normally sees in women her age. Some secret potion, perhaps?" Calpurnia: "You are attempting levity, I believe. Forgive me if I do not indulge in such talk." Burn! Servilia conceals a smile at being defended by her paramour's wife. But I guess she didn't conceal it all that well, since I totally saw it. Julii Cooper, however, is too occupied with her plummeting social status to notice.

Out by the stables, Caesar has just finished writing on a scroll, which he hands to Posca, which Posca slips into the boot of Quintus, who's tied to a horse as instructed. Quintus is even tied to the top of the horse, in yet another magnanimous gesture on Caesar's part. What a gentleman. Mark Antony advises that Caesar will regret leaving Quintus alive. Caesar says that Quintus won't be the only one, and instructs Mark Antony to go with Pullo to get the gold. Caesar stands and calls, "Legionary Pullo!" Pullo stands at attention before Caesar, who tells him, "You are a thief. A foolish, incompetent thief. But you have served us well in the past, so we will pretend your foolishness is a species of honesty and let you go unpunished." He'll even reward Pullo: "I do not like to quarrel with fortune, and clearly she's taken you for a pet." A fellow pet, you mean, Fido. He tells a disappointed Mark Antony to give Pullo a hundred gold pieces when they find the gold. "As you wish," Antony grumbles. Quintus and Pullo are sent on their way, but before Mark Antony follows, Caesar has one other order: "Never question my judgment in the presence of our enemies. You have a good memory, so you will remember that." Antony -- realizing that this is about as close to a threat as Caesar ever gets -- shamefacedly promises to remember. Caesar dismisses him.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

The great man is then left alone in the stableyard, aside from his servants, guards, and Octavian Camden, who's just shown himself. "Why do you frown, little owl?" Caesar asks. Maybe it's that nickname. But Octavian merely agrees with Mark Antony that a truce isn't the right move. "Depends on the terms," Caesar coaches. Right away, Octavian realizes that Caesar offered terms Pompey can't accept, but that the Senate can. Caesar begins to compliment Octavian's quick thinking, but abruptly freezes in his tracks. Out of nowhere, Posca swoops in to wrap his arms around the motionless Caesar, urgently telling Octavian to take them someplace out of sight. Octavian quickly leads them to a small pantry, where they unceremoniously dump the staring man onto a pile of flour sacks like he's just one more of them. That part's more shocking than the actual attack, I think. Octavian thinks that Caesar's poisoned, but Posca explains, "It's the Morbus Comitialis." Which is ancient Roman for epilepsy, I take it. Apparently, opinions vary as to whether Caesar actually had epilepsy or if it was just a rumor. I guess we know where this show stands on the issue. And on the issue of one other rumor, which is about to be born in another moment. Posca tells Octavian to shut the door, but Octavian is too slow to prevent the kitchen maid -- Demeter, I think, but it's really dark and that other scene she was in was kind of a long time ago -- to see that someone's in there. As Posca jams a stick between Caesar's teeth, Octavian wonders if they should get a doctor. Posca says it has to remain a secret: "No one will follow a man whom Apollo has cursed with the Morbus." Well, except these two, obviously. Caesar's got himself worked up into a nice little grand mal by now.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Which is clumsily mirrored in the pace of the party outside. The music's picked up, as has the lewd dancing. Octavia drinks. Caesar seizes. Dancers dance, faster and faster. Caesar seizes harder and harder. Servilia watches the dancers. Julii Cooper watches Servilia. Octavia passes out. Caesar keeps Caesing while Posca holds him down. Julii Cooper gestures for Octavia to be carried off. The Chief Augur belches extravagantly. The editing has suddenly gotten all climactic, which, without the proper buildup beforehand, just feels unearned and rushed. Word to the wise, boys. The dance comes to an abrupt end, as does the music. In the silence, the kitchen maid is left listening outside the pantry door as Caesar finishes letting out a series of loud, rhythmic grunts which are wordless, but, if translated into Latin, would probably sound a lot like the first word of Caesar's famous quote, "Veni, vidi, vici.." Maybe-Demeter skulks away from the door.

Inside the pantry, Caesar is coming back to himself. With his first breath, he tells Octavian never to speak of this. Octavian nods, bummed that he never even got his compliment.

The door opens, and Octavian comes out, immediately followed by an exhausted- and guilty-looking Caesar. Neither of them sees the kitchen maid marking their exit. And neither does Posca, who for some reason waited a little longer to come out, so the maid doesn't see him emerge. This is what I'm saying about rumors getting started.

Caesar stiffly returns to the party, where Calpurnia is quickly at his side and asking if he's all right. Caesar assures her that it's nothing serious. Calpurnia decides it's time to go, and they go to take their leave from Julii Cooper. "As you wish, of course," Julii Cooper says, trying to hide her disappointment. Calpurnia leads a shaky Caesar out the door while Julii Cooper stands there looking like someone just pissed in her face.

Outside, Calpurnia assures Caesar that she had a nice evening. "Your niece Atia is most polite, and the Chief Augur made many edifying remarks on religion." Okay, we know how she really feels about Julii Cooper, so now I'm all curious about what the Chief Augur said. Anyway, Caesar breaks the news that he's not coming home with her right away. "I have urgent business with my marsupial clerks," he explains. Caesar had kangaroos and koala bears who knew how to work adding machines? Awesome! What did he want to rule Rome for? Calpurnia is mildly scandalized that Caesar is conducting business at night, while not feeling well. Caesar says that he has to be ready to chase down Pompey when Pompey refuses the truce. Calpurnia is surprised to hear that Pompey will refuse. "I believe [he will]," Caesar says, kissing her formally on the hand before she boards her litter to depart.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Out in the woods, Pullo and Mark Antony watch soldiers unearth the treasury gold.

Servilia paces alone in her bedchamber after the party.

Niobe lies awake in Vorenus's arms. At least I think that's who it is; it's pretty dark. Again.

Julii Cooper sobs alone in her house. Octavian comes in and asks what's wrong, putting a tentative hand on her shoulder. Julii Cooper hurls herself into her son's arms and cries, "I'm alone. I'm all alone." Octavian holds her, but he's really thinking, "Gee, thanks, bitch." I don't see what the big tragedy is here; it's not like Caesar was going to have an affair with his niece, and even the affair he is having is one that has to be kept secret. Julii Cooper's public status hasn't changed. Whiner. Or maybe she just found out that she's short another horse.

Servilia sits in her bedchamber, but she's not alone any more. She's got a visitor -- a visitor with a red toga and a bad haircut and a giant head. He touches her face and she rises to kiss him -- formally and properly at first, and then less so.

The morning -- at least I think it's morning, it's hard to tell in that tent -- Pompey angrily crumples up the scroll from Caesar, saying that it contains "nothing worth repeating." But Cicero retrieves the missive and straightens it out, telling the room that Caesar is offering a truce. Scipio asks about the terms. From his bed, Quintus growls, "Truce with that scum? Are you women? I will have them raped by dogs." I'm trying to be shocked that a sweet guy like Quintus harbors such sexist attitudes in 52 B.C.; I just can't seem to pull it off. Pompey kicks Quintus out, apologizing for his "ill-used" son and reaffirming that there can be no truce, with which Cato, ever the Caesar-hater, forcefully agrees. Cicero claims that the terms seem pretty reasonable: legal immunity for Caesar and mutual disarmament. Pompey doesn't see anything mutual between himself, "the rightful consul of Rome," and Caesar, whom he calls a criminal. Scipio points out that Caesar does have the city, which puts him in a rather stronger bargaining position. Brutus steps up to Pompey in Caesar's defense: "He has been remarkably peaceable. He has not killed your allies or violated your property." Cato says that Caesar is trying to drive a wedge between them. Scipio says that the truce could buy them time and Pompey, out of patience, snaps, "Quintus is right. You are women!" So says the man who ran away from Rome without a fight. Shut up, Pompey. He storms out. Cato calls the other senators fools and follows Pompey.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21

By M. Giant

Vorenus kneels before a shrine to Janus, praying fervently.

Vorenus should really be home right now, though, because Evander is bugging Niobe again. He tells her to say she loves Vorenus, and he'll never come back. Niobe takes his hand. Pullo comes in at just that moment wearing a dopey grin, unseen by either of them. Niobe swears to Evander that she loves Vorenus, and then spots Pullo. She greets him overenthusiastically and asks, "They let you go alive, then?" Pullo, J. No at his side, confirms it and asks where Vorenus is. Niobe says that Vorenus is off making amends to Janus, and introduces Evander. "Evander, you say?" Pullo asks, nodding dumbly. Evander gives Pullo a hearty "Good health, soldier" and handshake. Pullo giggles a bit, and returns the sentiment. Niobe invites Pullo to stay for some water. He sits at the table, and Evander sits across from him. The wheels turn under Pullo's metal plate.

Inside the Temple of Jupiter, the Chief Augur stands with his hand on the head of the kneeling Caesar, who's back in his Senate toga. The Chief Augur asks Jupiter for the signs, and everyone turns to watch as a servant leaves the room. Outside, in a little courtyard, the servant claps his hands at a couple of guys who put a large basket of doves into position and remove the lid. The birds fly straight up, past a square window that opens into the temple chamber. If Steve the Wisecracking Time-Traveler were here, he'd make some remark about using the flight paths of birds to predict the future. But he's not, and the room is quiet until the Chief Augur announces, "The auguries are good!"

A hooded priest goes out to the front of the Temple and stands at the top of the steps. After taking a moment to build suspense, he raises both arms out in front of him. The crowd of citizens gathered in the Forum cheers. Caesar, still kneeling with the Chief Augur's hand on his bowed head, smiles to himself. Well, of course they're cheering, Caesar. Everyone on Pompey's side either left Rome days ago or is over at Julii Cooper's house drawing cartoons of your penis on her walls. What did you think was going to happen, genius?

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• 12
• 13
• 14
• 15
• 16
• 17
• 18
• 19
• 20
• 21