Since they can't have as much violence as there was in the last episode, this week Rome cranks up the sex. Julii Cooper arranges for Jocasta to marry Posca, because she's just that twisted. Her petty triumph is somewhat dampened when Servilia camps outside her front door for days, calling for justice. When Julii Cooper finally shows her face, Servilia curses Julii Cooper, and then kills herself in the street. The new ruling triumvirate of Antony, Octavian, and Lepidus divide up the Republic, promising to share equally. And then the moment Herod offers Antony a gimongous bribe in exchange for backing him as king of Judea, Antony decides that sharing is for losers. Octavian hears about it anyway, and things are a little tense between them for a while. They make up, but Julii Cooper thinks the only way to make the reconciliation believable to the public is for a marriage to occur between the two houses. And so Octavian makes Antony marry Octavia, which pleases absolutely nobody but himself. Herod's at the wedding, and Levi and Timon have decided to take a run at him. But Timon changes his mind at the last moment and accidentally kills his brother instead. That'll throw a kink into anyone's redemption arc. We find out what Memmio's evil plan is: pretending to find Vorena the Elder and Greasius in flagrante, he acts like he's going to tell Vorenus about the affair until Vorena agrees to spy for him. Sneaky bastard. That's nothing compared to Gaia, though, who provokes a fight with Eirene, who then sics Pullo on her. Pullo takes the whip to Gaia, all right, but it's the one between his legs. Gaia ends up going to get some stuff to end a pregnancy, but we all know it's not going to be hers.
It's very early morning in Rome. Outside the house of the Junii, the slaves are dousing the torches for the day in the watery dawn light. Inside, Servilia is sitting and holding the snazzy new death mask of the son she finally managed to get killed. Good likeness, and I agree with the decision to depict Brutus with his mouth closed. The dozen or so other death masks on the wall behind her, backlit by burning candles, don't seem too sympathetic. "Whatever. Tell us all about it,'" they silently appear to say. Weeping, Servilia turns the mask around and puts it over her own face. That seems like all manner of bad juju even to me, and the alarmed reaction of Servilia's head slave quickly confirms it for me as she pries the mask out of the bereaved woman's fingers and sets it on a stand. The slave suggests that Servilia lie down and have some willow water to help her sleep. "No...more...sleeeeeep," Servilia groans through gritted teeth, and collapses into further tears. Seems a little early in the episode to be promising something like that.
Also crying? Jocasta, who's looking quite a bit fancier than she was the last time we saw her. Not a great deal happier, though. As servants fuss over Jocasta's jacked-up hair and dress, Octavia tells her friend that she can't cry at her own wedding. Jocasta's getting married? Jocasta is trying very hard to keep her shit together, and seeing her distorted reflection in a primitive mirror doesn't appear to help much. Maybe she just needs some drugs. Julii Cooper doesn't help matters either, as she sweeps in to give Jocasta a hard time about not ruining the marriage that Julii Cooper went to so much trouble to arrange. Yes, I'm sure Julii Cooper really went out of her way. Poor Jocasta has to snuffle that she's grateful, but that she always imagined marrying someone different. Julii Cooper dries Jocasta's tears as she assures her that whoever she's marrying "will make a lovely husband." I wonder if it's anyone we know?
It is. In fact, the lucky guy is none other than Posca. I know Julii Cooper must have been in a hurry to get the poor girl out of her house, but I had no idea she disliked Posca so much. Or else she just snagged the single man she laid eyes on the minute Jocasta crashed on her floor. Furthermore, Julii Cooper's hosting the wedding in her stableyard, among the horseshit and chickens. Posca's vow goes, "When and where you are Gaia, then and there, I am Gaius." Jocasta returns the sentiment, but with opposite genders, and then the officiating augur begins reciting Latin. While this is going on, Julii Cooper turns to Mark Antony -- who's stealing a salacious wink at a cute slave girl across the yard -- and quietly makes some unsubtle remark about how this makes her think about marriage. Pretty far out on a limb there, but of course she's referring yet again to how tired she is of not being married to Antony yet. She suggests that they could even do it right now, with the priest here, but Antony puts it off, promising her a grand wedding some other time. Smooth like a beer commercial, that guy. And then, as soon as Julii Cooper's not looking, he rolls his eyes and sighs heavily. The moment is interrupted when a loud voice from without begins chanting, "Atia of the Julii, I call for justice...Atia of the Julii, I call for justice..." ad infinitum. Well, If someone is asking her for justice, how can Julii Cooper possibly refuse? With the wedding still going on, Julii Cooper takes her leave as discreetly as possible.
Discretion is clearly not what this is about, because the loud chanting is coming from Servilia. She's kneeling in the street in front of Julii Cooper's front door in a plain gray shift with her hair hanging loose, repeating her petition over and over and waving her arms while her slave holds a bag full of ashes and sprinkles them over her head. With Merula at her side, Julii goes to the front door and looks through the peephole, which, because this was before anyone could even make a decent mirror let alone a fisheye lens, is roughly the size of her whole entire face. Still, it's unclear whether Servilia sees her or not, as her moaning goes on with no change in tone. Julii Cooper slams the hatch shut and tells Merula that they're not going to do anything; they'll ignore Servilia and eventually she'll go away. Just as Julii Cooper will eventually stop underestimating Servilia.
Across town, at the Aventine Collegium, Eirene is crashed out on her and Pullo's bed. Pullo comes in and tries to coax her into getting up. Dude, cut the preglant lady some slack. She promises to rise soon, and of course now that they're on the bed together, Pullo's rising already. Eirene puts him off, saying that the priests in her country forbid sex once the baby starts moving. Pullo's pleasure at hearing that something is alive in there easily overrides his disappointment at not getting any for the moment. They clasp their hands together over her swelling belly, happy and content. This marriage is doomed.
Vorenus is hosting a sitdown with Memmio in his office. Mascius is acting as Vorenus's second for the meeting, and as his own second, Memmio has brought Vorena the Elder's admirer. He's the guy I called Greasius in the recap, but later we'll learn that his name is actually Omnipor. That name might be even better, especially since his hair has improved. The particulars of the negotiation aren't actually relevant -- something about Vorenus wanting to use some of Memmio's berths to unload ships at the Ostian docks -- except inasmuch as they mean that Mascius is leaving Rome for a while as of today. Bye, Mascius. At least now he gets to be the Aventine's #1 man in Ostia.
On Memmio's way out of the building, he and Omnipor encounter Vorena the Elder on her way in. Not a word passes between any of them, but Omnipor smiles shyly at her and drops the tiny wicker sword he'd been weaving during the meeting. Clearly, Vorena's not too put off by the fact that her suitor turns out to be working with Memmio. Once the men have gone, Vorena retrieves it from the floor and smiles. Returning to her bedchamber, she pulls a case out from under her bed containing a growing collection of these totems, including the original Blair Witchcouple that was Omnipor's first present to her. Vorena kisses this one before returning it to the box with the rest. Aw, the gift of useless clutter.
It's night, it's raining, and Servilia is still calling for justice outside the house of the Julii. Keep us posted on how that goes, won't you, Servilia? I can't wait to hear about all the justice. ["Look like it's working as well for her as it has been for her descendant Cindy Sheehan." -- Wing Chun]
morning, Antony shows up late for a meeting with Octavian and Lepidus. He makes the excuse that he's hung over from drinking too much at Posca's wedding the day before. Maybe that's why nobody ever gets married in the morning anymore. Who wants a reception full of guests who have all been drinking since 9:00 AM? Especially before the invention of coffee? Octavian has been regarding a hanging parchment that dominates the room. It's a large map of the entire known world under Roman influence. He smiles quietly to himself, figuring Antony's delicate condition gives him an advantage for what's about to come. He takes his seat in a circle with the other two. Meet the Second Triumvirate, everyone. If it seems a little lopsided with Mark Antony, Gaius Octavian Caesar, and Marcus Lepidus Superfluous, that's because it is. Before beginning the meeting, Lepidus has a little housekeeping to do: he says that some Senator friends of his are worried that the three of them are planning to institute some sort of tyranny. Antony gets pissed off: "Tell your eminent friends to shut their mouths. Tell them to go look on Cicero's hands in the Forum and remember what happens to those that prattle of tyranny." That should certainly put people's minds at ease: "Tyranny? What tyranny? I kill you now." Lepidus awkwardly says that he was just mentioning it. Octavian agrees, and suggests that they get on with it. He says that, since the three of them can't exactly all rule together, they should divide Rome into three regions and each take charge of one. "Sounds reasonable," Antony agrees, and rises from his chair to take a closer look at the big map. Octavian says that he hasn't considered how to actually divide things up yet, probably because he doesn't want to be the one to make the first move in this negotiation. As for Lepidus, he doubts the entire idea, calling Rome "a complex machine. We can't simply chop it up like, like...like cabbage." Just like that, Antony's mind is made up, because one of newest yet most infallible credos is always to do the opposite of what Lepidus says. And thus Antony draws the sword from the scabbard of the Centurion standing guard and starts slashing up the map. He offers Octavian Rome and the West, while Antony will "make do" with Egypt and the East. Octavian objects that Rome and the West is full of problematic Gauls, Germans, Senators, and...you know, Romans, while the East is apparently nothing but money. Just stacks of gold and grain, walking around and fucking and having millions of gold and grain babies. Antony brushes that objection aside, saying that all revenues, regardless of the source, would be equally divided and held in a single treasury. "That would work," Octavian says, actually sparing Antony a small smile. Lepidus timidly reminds everyone that he exists, so Antony carves out a chunk from the bottom of the map and hands it over, offering, "Africa." Lepidus takes the ragged half-moon of parchment, probably counting himself lucky to be the only one getting an entire continent. I count him lucky to be getting out of the room alive.
Servilia is still parked outside Julii Cooper's house, the ashes now forming a peaked mound at the top of her head while the business of the city goes on around her. Antony and his entourage boisterously approach the front door, but he always has time to take a moment to note the presence of an eminent personage. And mock her. "Is she putting down roots?" he snickers to a sidekick, heading inside.
Julii Cooper is in bed, trying unsuccessfully to tune Servilia out. Antony finds her with a pillow over her head and chuckles, "How goes your day? Mine went extremely well." Julii bitches about how unfair it is that Servilia is putting this on Julii, since Julii didn't kill Brutus; by rights, Servilia should be camped outside Antony's house instead. He advises her to go out and let Servilia vent for a while. Julii Cooper refuses, and Antony tells her that Servilia won't leave until she's had her say. Or runs out of ashes, whichever comes first.
Outside the Aventine Collegium, Pullo is passing by the soup line when he spots an old guy he thinks looks familiar. The man offers a clay token, which are presumably exchangeable for food, and Pullo thinks it's a fake, going on to accuse the old guy of not living on the Aventine. Pullo runs him off empty-handed and empty-bellied. As he goes around the corner, the old man passes by Gaia, who's just sitting on the steps fanning herself to the woodpile. Eirene comes out and finds her this way, and gets pissed that Gaia hasn't brought in the wood like she's supposed to. Isn't "bringing in wood" supposed to be the prostitutes' job? Gaia blows her off, says that she's "busy," and generally acts so insolent that Eirene picks up a handy stick of firewood to smack Gaia with. Gaia threatens to shove it down Eirene's throat. Thinking better of trying to deliver a thumping in her delicate condition, Eirene drops the stick and tells Gaia, "You'll be sorry. My husband will beat you in pulp." Ah, you can never go wrong with funny-talking foreigners. Eirene stomps off, and Gaia finally gets up, but only to spit on the ground where Eirene was just standing. Was there quite this much spitting last season? I don't remember that there was.
In Vorenus's office, Pullo tosses a couple more of those fake clay tokens on the boss's desk, saying that half the people in the soup line have them. "Well made," Vorenus mildly declares, like the craftsmanship is the issue. They both figure it's Memmio trying to fuck with them, and when Pullo asks what they're going to do about it, Vorenus tells him, "Nothing." Pullo doesn't get it. Vorenus explains, "Memmio is greedy and dishonest. Nothing we can do can change that. If he thinks he's deceiving us, then he's happy. And I want everyone to be happy. That's how we keep the peace." Well, consider me glued to my chair for the rest of the season. I can see the promo now: "SUNDAY...GANGS REMAIN CONTENT...MORE PEACE IS KEPT..." and so on. Riveting. When Pullo protests that Memmio is basically stealing, Vorenus says that they're still fulfilling their original mission of feeding hungry people, no matter where they happen to live. And then Eirene bursts in, angrily telling Pullo to "beat her dead!" Pullo asks what this is about, and Eirene tells him about Gaia's insubordination. "Then she say she gonna chook me with a steak!" she adds. Vorenus gets up out of his chair to conceal his mirth at these nutty women, especially the one who can't seem to say "choke me with a stick" properly. Pullo asks what Eirene did to provoke Gaia's threat, which is such the wrong thing to say, on so many levels. After Eirene storms out, Pullo asks Vorenus what he should do. Vorenus is no help, as Pullo complains that it's awkward for him to go beat up Mascius's girlfriend. Plus there's Pullo's little crush on Gaia, which he keeps to himself but of course we all know better. "It's a puzzle, all right," Vorenus says unsympathetically, pouring them each a drink. Pullo wonders if Mascius would be willing to do the beating for Pullo, but we know from earlier that Mascius is out on business until month. Pullo wonders if Vorenus would do it. Vorenus says he will if Pullo wants, knowing damn well that Pullo won't dodge his responsibility like that. And of course he's right, as Pullo sucks it up and resolves to do the right thing. Wait, did I just say "do the right thing" in reference to Pullo beating up a woman? This show's morality fucks with my head sometimes. "Marriage, eh?" Vorenus philosophizes. "It's complicated." So hard to keep track of whom to beat up and when. Pullo thinks pregnancy "drives them a little mad." Vorenus doesn't disagree. The Romans probably could have used a god of hormones. "To a boy," he toasts, and they clink glasses. I'm glad that, in this culture, Pullo would prefer to have a child of the sex that delivers beatings instead of the one that receives them.
Later, Pullo heads downstairs to the kitchen to find Gaia. She doesn't seem too terrified at the sight of the whip in his hand, and makes him remind her that she disrespected Eirene: "She's lady of this house. You're just a damn slave." He reaches for Gaia's arm to get started, but Gaia makes the excuse that she sometimes forgets Eirene is married to the boss. "She's such a mouse of a woman, and you're such a lion of a man," she says as seductively and straight-faced as she can. She comes around the table all sexy-like, saying that she'll take her whipping: "But you got to treat me nice first." This is just pissing Pullo off. She asks him what he thinks Mascius will do. Pullo says that Mascius does what Pullo says, and she responds, no, Mascius does what she says. "More fool him, then," says Pullo, and makes another grab for her. Out of arguments, Gaia starts putting up a fight, kicking and scratching and smashing earthenware jars of food on him. Finally, he gets her locked up helpless in his arms and asks him, "What are you going to do now, eh?" Kiss him, of course. Then Pullo kisses her back, hard. Gaia takes a bite out of Pullo's lip and gets free enough to smash more pottery on him. While he's trying to subdue her again, Gaia grabs him by the nuts and head-butts him. He grabs her throat and throws her flat on the table. And from there it's hard to tell when the fighting stops and the fucking starts. Gaia laughs; this is exactly how she planned it. Or she wonders what the hell Pullo thinks he's doing with his tunic still down. Or else she just thinks rape is hilarious.
Upstairs, Eirene is drying dishes. How many kitchens does this place have?
Downstairs, Pullo finishes. Or so he thinks. Gaia laughs again, asks him, "Is that all you got?" and goes upside his head with another pot. So he flips her over, runs his whip between her teeth like a horse's bit, and does her roughly from behind, pulling her head back hard. Except for the fact that you can't actually see any naughty bits, I feel like I'm recapping porn and it kind of makes me uncomfortable. Let's just get through this, okay? Pretend I'm not here, and I'll pretend you're not either. It'll be over in a minute. Things drip on the broken shards on the floor. I really hope it's food. Pullo finally collapses onto Gaia's back amid much panting from both of them. He tells her, "This was a mistake. This never happens again." She naughtily says that he might need to keep her in line again. Transferring his guilt into anger at her, Pullo warns Gaia not to test him. Knowing exactly what he's doing, she asks, "Where's it say that a man can't have his slaves if he wants them?" "I can kill them too if I want," Pullo replies. Gaia agrees that he can do whatever he likes. He takes a nibble of her earlobe (without drawing blood, I feel obliged to mention) and climbs off, leaving her panting there, still face-down on the table. You still respect me, don't you?
Julii Cooper is sitting down to dinner with Antony and Octavia when the racket that Servilia is putting up outside finally becomes more than she can take. She throws her spoon down and gets up from the table, shouting, "I give up, I give up, I give up." Well, I'm disappointed that she's folding so easily. All she needed to do was hire some musicians to drown Servilia out. Maybe a hip-hop beat or even some kind of mash-up. That would have worked.
Outside, Servilia has gathered quite a crowd of people doing nothing but watching her repeat her incantation, even as her voice has suddenly dropped to a whisper. By now, she's pretty much caked with ashes from head to toe. Julii Cooper throws open the front door and tells her, "Speak your piece, you crazy bitch! Here I am." She's trying to put on a show of bravado, but it's not entirely convincing. Even with Antony and Octavia at her side with Castor for backup, the sight of Servilia's literally ashen face clearly gets to Julii. Servilia raises her eyes and her left hand to Julii Cooper, pointing devil-horn fingers at her as she makes this speech:
Gods below: I am Servilia of the most ancient and sacred Junii of whose bones the seven hills of Rome are built. I summon you to listen. Curse this woman! Send her bitterness and despair for all of her life. Let her taste nothing but ashes and iron. Gods of the underworld, all that I have left I give to you in sacrifice if you will make it so.
And then Servilia pulls out a sword and buries it in her chest. Okay, impressive and all, and you can't question her commitment to the message, but I'm a little disappointed that the woman who brought down Julius Caesar couldn't put up a more tangible showing against a lightweight like Julii Cooper. At the very least, Servilia could have contrived a way to kill herself inside the house. The members of the household watch in shock from the doorway. Octavia looks like she's going to run to her former lover, but stops herself. Servilia's slave kisses the corpse on the cheek, and then retrieves the sword and kills herself as well. Even Antony is awed as he whispers, "Now that is an exit." He tells Julii Cooper to come back inside, but Julii Cooper stares transfixed at Servilia's dead open eye staring right back at her.
The Town Crier is back, and he's announcing that Prince Herod is in town. "By order of the Triumvirate, during his residence here, all mockery of Jews and their one God shall be kept to an appropriate! Minimum!" Heh. This episode was written by Scott Buck from Six Feet Under, which probably explains why it's funnier than usual.
Herod himself is currently visiting Mark Antony in his office. Herod turns out to be a rather handsome man, fancily bearded, coiffed, and made-up. He says he's heard that it's bad manners to offer Romans bribes, and that one must offer "gifts" instead. Antony confirms it, admitting, "We are the most dreadful hypocrites, I'm afraid." Herod says that, in that case, he's offering Antony a gift in exchange for the throne of Judea. Antony quietly cues Posca to begin negotiations, which are pretty short: it's basically "How much are you offering?" "How much do you want?" "Twenty thousand pounds of gold." "Done." Off Herod's instant, unblinking agreement to the sum, Antony mutters to Posca, "I said we should have asked for more." Just to make sure he's not getting rooked, Antony warns Herod to "keep your Jews in line." Charming. Herod promises to do just that, "or they will suffer the consequences." Now I see why Timon and Levi didn't want Herod in charge. Herod has one question of Antony: does this deal cover Octavian and Lepidus, or will they come to Herod looking for their own "gifts"? Antony assures Herod that the "gift" is for all of them. Posca looks uncomfortable at this. Herod leaves, sarcastically remarking how nice it is to have such trust among friends. Of course he knows Antony's lying, or else he would have asked for an amount that's evenly divisible by three.
"That is what I call a good morning's work," Antony tells Posca once it's just the two of them left in the room. Posca agrees, and asks what his share of Herod's gift is going to be. Antony denies that any such gift exists. Posca gets the message. But then Antony has to rub Posca's face in it, saying that Posca's gotten awfully greedy since gaining his freedom: "Go home. Have a good lunch. Make love to your pretty young wife. But do stop grubbing about after other people's money. Trust me. You'll be far more content." Then Antony even pats Posca on the face a couple of times, just to make sure that when his condescending attitude comes back to bite him in the ass, it'll bite extra-hard.
As Herod is crossing the Forum on his way out of the meeting with Antony, he and his entourage are spotted at a distance by Levi and Timon. Levi still isn't over his Herod hate, loudly calling Herod "scum." When Timon shushes him, Levi adds, even more loudly, "Bastard scum." Levi thinks Herod needs to be killed. Timon agrees that it would be a "mitzvah," but Levi is being serious and quite literal. Over Timon's doubts, Levi talks about the future of their people. Timon still isn't sure. I'm not spoiled or anything, but I have a feeling Herod's going to survive.
Maecenas is apparently trying to compose a poem, attended by a couple of slaves, when Posca quietly enters and oh-so-carefully establishes that Maecenas is the type of guy who can keep a confidence: "You might tell others but you might not reveal your source. And perhaps you're the sort of man who might properly reward those who confide in him?" I'm glad to see Posca is not only not taking Antony's advice, but also secretly fucking him with his toga on. Dismissing the slaves, Maecenas admits that Posca's got his number, all right.
We jump to later, as Mark Antony is bickering with an African bestiary about wanting fricking lions with fricking laser beams on their foreheads or something, on his way to a meeting with Octavian and Maecenas. Octavian's pointed opening is to ask what one third of twenty thousand is. Antony tries to pretend he's not busted as he rattles off a bunch of sixes. "Do you take me for a fool?" Octavian spits. "Question after question!" Antony mocks. Octavian says he knows about Herod's "gift," like Antony doesn't already know he knows. Playing for time, Antony asks how Octavian found out. "I've bought one of Herod's people," Maecenas chimes in smoothly. Antony tries to claim that gifts don't count as revenue, and Octavian reminds him that the "gift" is in fact paying for costs that the whole Republic will bear. "Pedantry," Antony scoffs. Octavian tells Antony that this arrangement won't work if Antony is always out to "aggrandize" himself. Poor choice of words. Just say, "Do stop grubbing about after other people's money." But he had to say "aggrandize," so Antony's off about how Octavian's "so-called father" has been declared a god, so that Octavian can be called the son of a god, and accuses, "You have no accomplishments of your own, so you seek to borrow the glory of others." Octavian agrees that, yes, kicking Antony's ass at Mutina wasn't much of an accomplishment at all. At that, Antony's on his feet, calling Octavian a "cowardly little shit" and saying that the younger man never left his tent. Maecenas endeavors to calm things down, but Octavian isn't hearing it; he rises himself and calls Antony a "crude, arrogant lech." He marches out as Antony yells after him, "That's right, still the same. And still fucking your mother!" Okay, good meeting.
We're introduced to a scene at the Aventine Collegium by a close-up of one of the prostitutes washing her boobs. You know, just because. No big battles this week, so you have to throw in the odd boob-washing to keep the viewers happy. With that out of the way, the camera takes us down to where Pullo and Eirene are sitting at a table for dinner. Making a big show of how sore she is, and probably only half faking, Gaia comes up and politely asks Eirene if she needs anything else, calling her "mistress" and everything. Eirene asks for water, and Gaia asks "master" the same. Pullo awkwardly declines. Gaia limps off. Unaware that Gaia was just winking at her husband behind her back, Eirene tells Pullo that the beating worked: "You should beat her the same way every month." Pullo nearly chokes. "Maybe just until the baby's born," he's thinking.
Vorena the Elder is getting ready to leave in the middle of the day, telling her younger sister to make excuses for her absence and making sure the chaperone is sleeping soundly, which she is. Again. Worst chaperone ever.
Later, but still in the daytime, Vorena's in bed with Omnipor. Clearly, all those little totems worked. Wow, so if only I'd known how to weave wicker when I was in high school, none of the chicks would have cared how stupid my hair was. Omnipor's all naked and trying to ply her with talk of the animals on the farm he's convinced her they'll have one day, but really he's just trying to get some. Which is made kind of difficult by the fact that she's got herself pretty much shrink-wrapped in the sheet. He's frustrated, but tries to talk nice, until he at least gets some kissing. Then there's a peeper's-eye view through the reed walls, and Memmio barges in, telling Omnipor that he's been looking for him. Seeing that Omnipor has company, he's about to leave with an embarrassed smile. But then he stops and does a horrified double-take, sputtering, "That's the daughter of Lucius Vorenus!" Omnipor desperately tries to deny it, but it's not working. He finally admits that this has been going on for months. Memmio turns to Vorena and lectures her about disrespecting her father, whom she of course still hates, and she tells Memmio as much. She says that as long as she acts all nice to Vorenus, he'll suspect nothing. So Memmio angrily says that since he's sworn an oath of friendship to Vorenus, he has no choice but to tattle before Vorenus finds out some other way. "This is a right fucking mess," he bitches, turning away from them so that he can laugh evilly for the camera. This is exactly what he's been planning all along, you see. Omnipor plays his part, begging Memmio not to tell, since Vorenus will kill them both. Memmio gets a straight face and turns back to them as Vorena promises to do whatever Memmio wants in exchange for his silence. Behind her, Omnipor is smirking at his boss at how well this is going. So Memmio, acting like he's doing Vorena such a huge favor, asks her to help him out by spying on Vorenus for him. Vorena can't agree fast enough. Something tells me that when Vorenus finds out about this, he's going to be a lot angrier than he was about the fake soup tokens.
Antony and Octavian are seated around the table to Julii Cooper's courtyard. The meeting is being mediated by the lady of the house and Maecenas, and they've apparently already established that Herod's gift will be split three ways minus a finder's fee for Antony. In the future, they're to consult each other about naming any high offices, domestic or foreign, and all income, including bribes, will be placed in one treasury under a Saturnine priest. Octavian tersely agrees, and Julii Cooper tells them to shake hands. They grudgingly comply, and Octavian's about to excuse himself, but Julii Cooper's not done. She says that the infighting has the whole city worried, and now they need to make some kind of show of unity. "If a marriage was [sic] to happen between our two houses," she says, taking Antony's hand, which must have gone ice-cold by now, "nobody could doubt all was well." Antony's running out of dodges, but he looks at Octavian and deadpans, "I don't care if all Italy burns. I'll not marry him." Okay, hee! Julii Cooper turns to Octavian, who agrees that it's a good idea. "And the plebs love a good wedding," Maecenas adds. Trapped on all sides, Antony has no choice but to agree. Julii Cooper starts talking dates, and things get awkward and silent around the table. Octavian tells her that it's not exactly kosher for a woman to be around while they're discussing a marriage contract. What, even the bride (ahem)? Actually, on second viewing, I suspect that Octavian's already made his plan at this point, but Julii Cooper gets up from the table, asking only for enough time for her dressmaker to set her up.
And then Julii Cooper runs straight to Merula to give her the exciting news. "Where's Octavia?" she asks.
Getting fucked by Agrippa, as it happens, because two sex acts in one episode aren't nearly enough. And we're not even done yet.
Timon's praying at temple when Levi joins him. It seems kind of rude for them to whisper conspiracy at each other at a time like this, but Levi has heard that Antony's wedding is the day, and that Herod will be there. Timon protests that all manner of other people will be there as well, including soldiers. Levi says that they'll all be watching the bride and groom, giving them easy access to Herod. "Who knows," Levi speculates. "If the crowd's thick enough, we might even make it out alive." Timon darkly smiles that there's absolutely no fucking way: "We'll be hacked to pieces quick as Pan." Still, they agree to make their move tomorrow, and Timon sighs sadly.
Cut to dinner at the table of Timon, with his family and his kids. He looks around the room, expecting this to be his last supper, if you'll excuse the expression.
Vorena shuffles through some papers on her father's desk. I don't know what she expects to learn from them; everything's in Latin. Vorenus busts her, coming in and asking her what's up. She claims that she was looking for him. Under the papers? Vorenus asks if she's feverish or something, and she anachronistically says, "No, no, I'm good." She quickly comes up with a lame cover story about her sister needing a new dress, and Vorenus gives her some change out of the coin box. "She grows like mustard, hm?" he pleasantly remarks. I assume that he's referring to the actual plant, and not the stuff in my fridge that comes in a bottle that I have to wipe a yellow scab off the top of before putting it on my sandwich. That wouldn't be very nice. Vorena starts to leave, but Vorenus calls her back for a kiss to his cheek. And then he watches her go, wondering what she's up to.
Octavian is not wondering what his mother's up to at all, because he knows; he's watching from the shadows as his mother has sex with Antony. Fucked up. They finish, and Octavian leaves, not wanting to be nosy or anything. Antony tells Julii Cooper that they need to talk. She heartily agrees, and starts in on a litany of stuff she wants. First, she wants to take a break from sex until their wedding, to make their wedding night more special. This scene is either out of sequence, or these two never skip a day; we already know that the wedding is tomorrow. on Julii Cooper's agenda is redecorating Antony's villa, selling any slaves he's fucked, and where the hell is her wedding gift? "I need to talk," Antony clarifies. Heh.
Cut to the wedding, which is much fancier and better attended than the one. Also, it's not in a stableyard. As flower petals are flung about willy-nilly, Antony recites his vow: "When and where you are Gaia, then and there I am Gaius." Julii Cooper stands to her daughter as the response comes. "When and when you are Gaius, then and there I am Gaia," says...Octavia. She looks like she's in shock. So does Antony. Julii Cooper looks like she's just trying to keep it together as the priest begins reciting Latin, as priests do on this show. Octavian takes his place in front of the happy couple and joins their hands together, looking quietly pleased with himself. He's the only one. Agrippa, in the front row, looks as miserable as anyone as the non-speaking members of the crowd clap and cheer.
Later, during the reception, Agrippa pouts against a post as he watches the unhappy couple sit at their receiving line. Maecenas brings Agrippa a drink and asks him why he's so bummed. Agrippa pleads a headache, when in fact his real pain is much lower. Wait, not that much lower. Pervs. Maecenas gleefully expresses sympathy toward Julii Cooper: "I always thought her attachment to Antony was purely practical, but look at her. I think the old girl's genuinely in love with him." Agrippa wonders why Octavian arranged this marriage, and Maecenas explains that a match between Antony and Octavia is more likely to produce an heir. Agrippa insists that it's wrong. Maecenas cautions Agrippa not to act like he's in love with Octavia, and claps him on the back while Agrippa wonders if he's really busted, or if his friend is only kidding, or if he even cares.
Meanwhile, Julii Cooper is looking more and more down as she watches her new son-in-law greeting the guests. A slave offers her a piece of wedding cake, and she says, "I'd rather eat shit." Octavian comes up behind her and helps not at all by asking Julii Cooper to look beyond her own selfish needs: "I couldn't very well let you marry Antony. Everyone knows you were lovers. The public would assume it was a marriage of sentiment, of lust." Certainly couldn't have that. "Whereas this marriage is clearly a political statement of unity," Octavian finishes. Because the last time she smacked her son she started a war, Julii Cooper simply leaves without another word.
Julii Cooper holds it together until she reaches her bedchamber, where she angrily hurls herself on the bed and throws pillows around and so forth. Antony follows her in to say that their guests will wonder where she is. "Well, our guests can go fuck themselves," says Julii Cooper, turning her back to him. Given the setting, I'm not sure that's a figure of speech in this case. Antony dismisses Merula with a look, and tells Antony that Octavian gave him no choice. Julii Cooper mocks him for obeying her son, and accuses Antony, "You love power more than you love me." Antony doesn't bother to deny it, instead saying that they're two different things. He claims that the marriage changes nothing between them, but when he tries to reach for her, she won't have it: "First you betray me and now you propose to betray my daughter!" Antony gets it, and withdraws, figuring that Julii Cooper just broke up with him for good. I am glad to say that my relationship with my own mother-in-law is considerably less fraught.
Out in the sunlit street, the wedding procession is making its joyous way through the streets. The plebs cheer and clap as the parade crosses the Forum. Herod is among them, of course, and Timon and Levi spot him from their position near one of the buildings. Timon also spots Julii Cooper, which may remind him of how he ended up back here in the first place, about to kill again. Levi's ready to make their move, but Timon grabs him and pulls him back, saying that he can't do it after all. Killing Herod won't accomplish anything, he says. They'll just replace him with someone else. Timon certainly has proceeded rapidly along the zealot's learning curve, hasn't he? "I have a wife," Timon says. "I have children." Levi calls Timon a coward and heads off to commit the murder himself. Timon grabs him back, but Levi's already got his knife out, and they grapple over the weapon, still unnoticed by the cheering throng. After a moment, Timon pushes his brother against a column, and the knife goes in. Oopsie. "Brother!" Timon gasps in horror as the knife clangs to the ground. "You are not my brother," Levi gasps through a mouthful of blood, and expires in Timon's arms. Bummer. Didn't see that coming. But I'm glad it turned out this way instead of the other way around. Lee Boardman has proven to be an excellent actor, and Levi's kind of irritating.
Later that night, Octavia and Antony are in bed together, lying on their backs with their hands folded on their chests, staring up at the ceiling. Never one to be discouraged by an awkward moment, Antony reminds Octavia that it is their wedding night, after all, in a tone that suggests that mini-Mark Antony is in the mood for a little, uh, unity. "Do as you like," Octavia sighs. Antony's like, "Well, all righty, then," and casually signals her to get up on all fours. He gets up on his knees behind her, spits on his dick, and awkwardly starts trying to put it in. So this is sex in a political marriage? No wonder it went out of style.
Meanwhile, Antony's new mother-in-law (I don't think I'm going to get tired of that for a while) is pacing around her empty house in her robe. She wanders out into the street and stares at the spot where Servilia died, that curse of hers replaying in her head. Tough to disregard it on a day like today.
It's daytime again, and we're in the ancient Roman equivalent of the Magic Box. Gaia enters the store with her head uncharacteristically covered, asking for a couple of herbs I don't know how to spell. The apothecary immediately knows what they are, though. She cuts a look at Gaia's hands clasped over her flat belly, and observes, "You caught it early." So we're talking about something like RU-CDLXXXVI, I take it. The apothecary measures out some powders, telling Gaia to drink it before bed: "And when you wake in the morning, problem is over." All over, if the previews for week are any indication. Gaia asks how it tastes, and the apothecary says that if she puts it in willow tea, it's practically undetectable. She also offers some horsetail for the bleeding, but Gaia sneers that she won't be needing any of that. The apothecary looks briefly worried that maybe Gaia's procuring these pregnancy-ending herbs for someone other than herself, but then she snaps her fingers for some coins, and Gaia hands some over. She leaves, glancing at her distorted reflection in a mirror she's passing. Ooh, arty. And evil.