We rejoin Mark Antony just after his navy's gotten its ass kicked at the Battle of Actium, and now it's all over but the crying. And man, is there a lot of crying. Octavian demands the unconditional surrender of Antony and Cleopatra, who are holed back up in their palace in Alexandria and trying to figure a way out. A drug-addled Antony hits on the brilliant idea of challenging Octavian to single combat to settle things, but of course nobody was still doing that even two thousand years ago. Octavian makes a secret side offer to Cleopatra: give up Antony, and she and her kids get to live and retain the Egyptian throne. She sends a suicide note to Antony, who makes a heroic Emmy bid before falling on his sword -- which is held, of course, by Vorenus. And then Cleopatra turns out to not be dead after all, because she's decided to take Octavian's deal. But then she meets Octavian, realizes that she's been had, and decides to kill herself after all, asp-to-the-boob style, while sitting to Antony's cooling corpse. However, she did make arrangements for her kids. The two by Antony will return to Rome under Octavian's protection. Caesarion's a little trickier, since everyone knows that Octavian can't let another "son of Caesar" live. So Cleopatra entrusts Caesarion to Vorenus, and the two of them disappear incognito into the Egyptian desert. Pullo follows Vorenus's instructions to meet up with them, and the two old friends try to get Caesarion out of Egypt alive. The little brat gets them pinched, naturally, and in the ensuing fracas, Vorenus is mortally wounded. His dying wish is to be brought home to see his children one more time. One month later, everyone's back in Rome. Octavian informs Julii Cooper that Antony is dead, and is relieved to see her keep any grieving to herself, because she's now a defeated shell of a woman. He hands off Antony's children to Octavia, and throws himself a triumph. At which Julii Cooper finds new purpose in life by starting a feud with her daughter-in-law that we'll never see play out. Pity, as she might say. Vorenus makes it home without dying, although it seems to me that if you can hang on for a month of hard travel, then you might as well recover. Instead, he dies in his bed, reconciled with his children. And speaking of our heroes' children, Pullo goes to Octavian and reports that he found and killed Caesarion. He collects the reward and leaves, and the credits roll just as he's about to tell Caesarion who his father really is. And that's the end of Rome.
If you were expecting to see the Battle of Actium -- a naval battle, no less -- on this show, then you're going to be disappointed. However, I trust there won't be too many disappointed people in this audience. We fade up after the battle is already over, and the distant remains of Cleopatra's and Mark Antony's armada can be seen on the horizon, burning to the waterline. In the foreground, a long rowboat heads toward shore. Vorenus makes his way from the stern to the bow, ordering a dead body thrown over the side as he goes. He finally reaches the bow, where Antony is staring into the depths with his damp hair spiked up all crazy-like. The stylists certainly have enjoyed playing with him this season, haven't they? Vorenus gives Antony water and a nice long window of time to reflect on the nature defeat. Antony says that, now that he's finally experienced it, it's not as bad as he thought it would be. "Glory is all well and good, but life is enough, nay?" he philosophizes. Nice realization to come to after all those people he got killed.
Back in Rome, the Town Crier is delivering the news to an unusually large crowd in the Forum. He actually cracks a smile for the first time ever as he announces that the Egyptian fleet has been destroyed. The whole crowd cheers, except for Vorena the Elder and Lyde, who look rather ambivalent at the news that Vorenus is likely dead now. Uh, maybe this scene should have gone first. The Town Crier adds that Octavian is now on his way to Alexandria, "where the witch and her creature take refuge."
The upper-class women of Rome are discussing these military developments as they dine together in Octavian's villa. Seated at the table are Livia, her mother, Octavia, and, pouting off by herself at one end, Julii Cooper. For some reason, they're all sitting on one side of the long table and facing the same direction, which is either how they did things back then, or just something to make the director's job easier. Livia is holding forth to the room about how cowardly it was for Antony to jump into a boat to follow Cleopatra after she abandoned ship. Octavia, of all people, speaks up in defense of her husband, saying that Antony was saving the gold on Cleopatra's ship in order to finance further battles. Livia says that her husband says otherwise. "Your husband's a liar," Octavia says cheerfully. Without even bothering to look at anyone, Julii Cooper mutters quietly to herself that Octavian used to be "a good, honest boy. I don't know what happened. I'm to blame, probably." Ya think?
Now we're in Octavian's camp in Alexandria. I wonder where he set it up, given that the royal palace is right to the docks. You suppose he landed and then had his army march away from the palace? Inside Octavian's tent -- which currently also contains Agrippa, Maecenas, and Pullo -- an emissary is reading a message from Antony. The emissary looks a bit like Milo Ventimiglia, but with better hair, and while Erin has already covered this topic admirably, it bears pointing out that if you're a guy with worse hair than any man on Rome, it's time to reassess. According to the message, Antony is basically offering to retire and be a good boy forever. (As if Cleopatra would ever let him. He has a weakness for ambitious women, our Antony.) Octavian doesn't even bother waiting to hear what his end of such a deal would be before saying that he won't accept anything less than unconditional surrender. The emissary starts rolling up Antony's scroll as Octavian adds that he also wants the emissary privately to tell Vorenus that Pullo is here with him, and will guarantee Vorenus's safety if Vorenus can open the palace gates for them. Pullo steps forward at this point to say that Vorenus won't do it. Octavian says that he'll burn down the palace if he needs to, but before resorting to that, he asks Pullo to send along some message that Vorenus will know could have come only from him. Pullo knows just the thing: "Tell him that his children are well, and I hope that my child is well also." Off everyone's puzzled looks, he says it's a private joke. The emissary salutes and departs with the message.
And then we see the emissary running up to the palace wall, along with a detachment of Roman soldiers. A comfy chair is lowered from the battlements, and the emissary sits in it to be lifted over the walls. And I thought that having to carry an ID badge to get into my office was undignified.
And then the emissary walks straight into Eyes Wide Shut. In other words, a naked Egyptian orgy is underway in the throne room, with all sorts of exotic music and spinny cameras and arty dissolves and boobies, boobies, boobies. The emissary makes his way to the head of the room, where a completely looped Antony is sprawled across his throne to a much more lucid Cleopatra. We see the emissary through Antony-Vision -- all unsteady and blurry around the edges, which is convenient for any shy naked people in the background -- as the emissary delivers the message that Octavian is demanding unconditional surrender. Antony starts getting worked up, slowly rising from his throne. "Calm," says Cleopatra. Antony quietly lies that he is calm, and begins, "You go and tell that frog-spawned homunculus that I--" Cleopatra manages to calm him down, which is kind of too bad, because that would have been the first time in my life that I'd ever heard the word "homunculus" in a complete sentence. Cleopatra calls to Vorenus at his current glowering spot near the thrones, and tells him to get the emissary a drink so that she and Antony can have some time to consult. Antony is so not down with surrendering, so Cleopatra suggests fleeing south in disguise. Antony likes the idea of being a fugitive even less than he likes that of surrender, so Cleopatra asks what other ideas he has. All he can come up with is death. She thinks he might be able to pull something out of his sleeve, but he whines, "I'm a soldier, not a fucking magician." He directs her attention to the hip-deep debauchery spread before them and says, "Whores, hermaphrodites, and lickspittles. This is our army now." Well, hell, lock and load!
The emissary is off in a quiet corner, already delivering Pullo's secret message to Vorenus. Vorenus chuckles dryly at the mention of Pullo's child, but when he's asked to open the gates, he responds, "You tell Titus Pullo that his son is well, but he has forgotten who I am." The emissary tries to convince Vorenus, but he's called away, because Antony has finally figured everything out: he'll simply challenge Octavian to single combat. The expressions of every person in the room not currently fucking someone indicate that they all think Antony is off his nut, and even Cleopatra quietly tries to talk him down. But he excitedly insists that Octavian must either accept or be exposed as a coward. "Mark Antony has called the dog out," he boasts to the emissary, and sends him running. He tells Vorenus to get some weapons so that he can practice. Some coffee might not be a bad idea either, I'm just saying.
On his way down the hallway, Vorenus is accosted by Caesarion, who's already figured out that Octavian's going to kill him. "There can be only one son of Caesar," he frets. "If anyone dies, it'll be me." Vorenus tries to cheer the kid up with bluster and confidence, but they both know it's bullshit. So then he invites Caesarion along to the armory so that he can defend himself from any would-be assassins, which is bullshit of an even more pungent variety.
Back at Octavian's tent, the man himself and his seconds snicker at the outlandishness of Antony's challenge. Octavian asks if Antony's mad. The emissary says that Antony's just either drunk or on drugs. He adds that Cleopatra, by contrast, seems to have all her little duck hieroglyphs in a row, and Vorenus still remains loyal to Antony. Pullo smiles to himself a bit at this last, and Octavian dismisses the emissary. Agrippa decides that it's siege time, but Octavian says that the palace is too easy to defend indefinitely. And when Maecenas suggests just burning it down, Octavian hesitates. And not just because the place looks to be built entirely of sandstone and thus not particularly flammable, either; he's loath to piss off the people, speculating, "I suspect destroying the royal palace with their queen inside would make them rather peevish." Which doesn't leave them many good options. Except, what did the emissary say about Cleopatra again?
Antony's "practicing" combat, which seems to involve a lot of theatrical yelling and jumping about in front of the revelers while the more sober Vorenus pretty much just stays out of his way and keeps both of them from getting hurt. I'm sure that Antony is quite the swordsman under normal circumstances, but at the moment it looks like he learned how to duel by watching the kids in Jedi robes who were waiting in line to get into a Star Wars movie. Off to one side, Octavian's emissary delivers a small scroll to Cleopatra's head slave, Poor Man's Linda Hunt, instructing her that the message is for Cleopatra and nobody else. Antony finally grows weary of trying to get around Vorenus's shield, and calls a halt, to polite applause from the spectators in the room. And then he tries to take advantage of Vorenus's lowering of his guard, but even that advantage isn't enough to prevent his getting battered to the floor by Vorenus's shield. He'd probably be pretty pissed at Vorenus right now, except that one bald, fey spectator in the front row makes the mistake of laughing at Antony's misstep. He stifles it right away, but it's too late; he's Antony's brand-new sworn enemy now. Antony does the whole Joe Pesci from Goodfellas "Am I a clown to you?" bit, which I didn't realize had such an august history. The rest of the room goes quiet as Antony makes the guy stand up and take Vorenus's sword, shield, and place so that Antony can show him that fighting isn't as easy as it looks. The reluctant swordsman begs Cleopatra to intervene on his behalf, but finally, he takes the weapons. Antony feints mockingly at him a couple of times, nearly making him faint. It looks like he's only trying to embarrass him instead of kill him, although he does drop him to the floor with a shield-edge to the gut, and then gets him to his feet by slapping his ass with the flat of his sword. Antony's victim would probably survive this encounter, except, for some reason, he makes a stab at the shield arm that Antony isn't even bothering to protect, and that pisses off Antony enough to kill him. His last words are, "Really, sir...I must...protest." Good one. Antony drops the corpse to the floor and accepts the dutiful applause as though he just won some glorious victory instead of simply bullying some defenseless whore/hermaphrodite/lickspittle to death.
Antony finally spots the emissary and calls to him across the room, "Young Hermes has returned!" Mercury, but whatever. Still panting from the exertion of murdering a wuss, Antony asks when he and Octavian will meet. The emissary awkwardly explains that Octavian has refused the challenge and restated his terms. "If those terms are not accepted," the emissary adds, "fire and siege works will begin tomorrow." Confused, but not too confused to be pissed, Antony tells the emissary to "tell [Octavian] to shove his terms up his ass!" Surprisingly, he doesn't kill the messenger, but sends him off with a "good lad." Antony doesn't know what to do , except to rant about what a coward Octavian has always been. And even if Octavian cared as much about not being seen as a coward, which he doesn't, he could just kill everyone who knew about the challenge. So perhaps Antony's plan wasn't as watertight as it might have seemed at first blush. "What are you looking at?" he demands of the room at large. "Enjoy yourselves, you scum!" He throws food and yells at them to eat and drink, and calls for music. He invites Vorenus to join him for a drink on the steps, and approves when Vorenus downs his goblet in one draught. Although he uses some fairly offensive language to do so.
Cleopatra has withdrawn to her bedchamber to read the letter from Octavian that Poor Man's Linda Hunt has relayed to her. In it, Octavian says he understands that Antony was the one who got her into this. He adds that if she hands Antony over to Octavian, alive or dead, she and her people will be unharmed, and she will retain the Egyptian crown. She finds this dilemma rather upsetting for somebody I didn't think liked Antony all that much in the first place. Maybe his beatdown of that bald man-whore a few minutes ago finally won her over. Cleopatra weeps to Poor Man's Linda Hunt that she's being asked to choose between her honor and her life. Poor Man's Linda Hunt wraps her queen in her arms and advises her to take the deal: "Majesty knows her slave is right; she wants to live." Antony stumbles in and finds them like this, but he's too schnockered to realize that anything's up until he comes up behind her and sees Cleopatra's tears in her mirror. Egyptian mirrors are much better than Roman ones. Which makes it only more mystifying that Antony is continuing to wear all that eyeliner. As Poor Man's Linda Hunt quietly makes herself scarce, Antony has the nerve to ask Cleopatra if she's sad. She cry/yells that of course she is: "Look at us! Apollo and Isis. It's pathetic." Whoa, harsh. Isn't the fact that they're dead people walking enough to make her sad without having to bring up the state of their relationship? Embarrassed, Antony quietly takes off the narrow Egyptian breastplate he's been wearing and pulls on his robe instead. Cleopatra apologizes and gets Antony to sit down with her as he admits that it's true. She kisses him and says that their years together were the happiest of her life. "We lived, didn't we?" Antony agrees. Even if not everyone else did. They turn to sit side by side as they talk about how and when to end things, before Octavian burns the palace tomorrow. "Why not now?" he suggests. But she wants to put it off until tomorrow, when it's sunny. They look over at their bed, which they have one more night in. But Antony can't face that. Instead, he asks, "Shall we go back to our guests?" Cleopatra says that she's tired, and sends Antony on ahead. "Just for a little while, maybe," he says, and takes his leave with a kiss and a weepy grin. Might as well make the most of these last hours together by spending them apart.
Much later, Antony's still out in the throne room amid any number of passed-out revelers, sitting on the steps to the throne with an almost-as-drunk Vorenus. They're trying to reminisce about fallen comrades from days past, but they keep losing their train of thought. Eventually, Antony asks Vorenus if he thinks there's an afterlife. Vorenus does. And those who say otherwise? "Fuck 'em," Antony and Vorenus agree. I don't know why they're speculating about this now when at least one of them is very close to finding out the truth first-hand.
And then it's dawn. In the gray morning light outside the palace, Octavian's soldiers are getting ready to begin their siege. You can tell by the big siege engine they've got parked out front. Good thing Octavian thought to bring one along. How embarrassing would it be to get all the way to Alexandria with no means of getting into the palace? He'd have to yell over the walls, "Okay, we're going to be right back! In, like, six months! Stay right there!"
The sunlight's filtering into the throne room, which is where Poor Man's Linda Hunt comes to find a passed-out Mark Antony on the floor near a passed-out Vorenus. Most of the other partiers somehow managed either to haul themselves out of there or were only hallucinations of Antony's in the first place. Both Romans wake up, and Vorenus gets to his feet quickly, but Poor Man's Linda Hunt has to stoop way down in order to hand Mark Antony a tiny dagger wrapped in a small scroll. And in so doing, we see the large bloodstain on the front of her dress. Antony asks what happened, but the note from Cleopatra tells him: "Dearest love, forgive me for leaving you this way. You know how I hate to say goodbye. I will see you again on the other side. Please, come quickly." Antony catastrophically loses his shit, shaking on the floor and letting out keening moans, covering his face with his robe. Poor Man's Linda Hunt tries to comfort him, overcome with sympathy. I bet now he feels like kind of a chump for spending their last night together passed out in another room. He asks why Cleopatra didn't wait for him, and is told, "The queen must die alone. It's the custom." Even in his grief, Antony nods understandingly. Poor Man's Linda Hunt adds that Cleopatra used her last breath to call Antony's name. That should make him feel better. "I was in here, crashed out on these stone steps," he doesn't explain.
Vorenus watches, his hand on his sword hilt, as Antony pulls his shit together enough to send Poor Man's Linda Hunt from the room. Alone with Vorenus, Antony realizes that he's only got one thing left to do, and that the time has come to do it. He struggles to his feet, saying, "Anything to be rid of this fucking hangover." Won't he be pissed if it turns out that hangovers go to the afterlife with you. Regarding the tiny dagger Cleopatra sent along for him, Antony tosses it aside, along with his robe, and decides that he wants to use "a proper Roman sword." Sure, now he gets Roman again. Without a word, Vorenus steps up and offers his weapon. Antony draws it, admires it, and tosses the empty scabbard aside. He says that at least it's not a bad place to die; he could have eaten it somewhere in Gaul, as opposed to this room where "men who knew Alexander once stood." Shout-out? Antony claps a hand on Vorenus's shoulder and tells him not to follow his lead, but to get out while he has the chance. And after a lifetime of following orders, it's not like Vorenus is going to stop with this one. He says that it's been an honor. "Has it?" Antony asks, surprised. "I hope so." Antony presses the point of the sword below the end of his sternum and braces the hilt against Vorenus's breastplate. Vorenus asks if there are any last words or instructions. "Just tell the people I died well," Antony says. "I died Roman." Except for the smeared eyeliner and the coiled serpent tattooed around his left nipple and the Egyptian man-skirt he's still sporting, sure. Antony places a hand firmly on each of Vorenus's shoulders, and then pulls himself into a fatal embrace. And this show blurs the line between sex and death yet again as Antony gives a couple of weak, post-orgasmic gasps in Vorenus's arms and finally slides to the floor. Poor Man's Linda Hunt, who's been watching hidden the whole time, finally withdraws. Vorenus pulls his sword out of Antony's abdomen, releasing a small lake of gore onto the dead belly. Well, all righty, then. Breakfast?
But instead of settling down for some blood sausage, Vorenus takes care of Antony's body first. He removes the Egyptian jewelry and eye makeup, and then dresses the corpse in Antony's Roman tunic and black-and-gold armor. He puts Antony's rings on his fingers, and sets him in his throne with his red-plumed helmet in his lap. It's like Antony's giving an audience, except now he'll probably be more receptive to visitors than he ever was before. No sooner has Vorenus finished than in comes Cleopatra with her retinue, very much alive. Oh, no, Antony got Punk'd! Maybe you should have asked to see the body, genius. Vorenus is, needless to say, surprised to see Cleopatra. She wades through the pool of Antony's blood at the base of the steps to the throne, and then climbs up and weepily kisses her lover's dead lips. It's not nearly as hot as it sounds. "My poor love," she says. Her poor, stupid, gullible love. She collapses on the steps and sends for the children. Vorenus has already figured it out; he sits behind her, shaking his head in disbelief and quietly growing fury. Cleopatra asks if Vorenus has something to say, and when he doesn't, she orders him to stop looking at her. So he just looks at her harder. She threatens him not to test her, which is the wrong thing to say; Vorenus comes down the steps, roaring, "Kiss my ass! You're lucky I don't open your stomach!" She wonders why he hasn't opened his own, and he says that the only thing stopping him his that he has to get Caesarion out of there before Octavian's men come and kill him. Cleopatra has no idea what Vorenus is talking about, and boasts that she's made a pact with Octavian to keep herself and her kids alive. Vorenus admits that she and Antony's kids will survive so that Octavian can parade them around in the Forum as trophies, but Octavian will never let another "son of Caesar" live: "And for what? We both know he's not the son of Caesar." Cleopatra plays dumb, until Vorenus reminds her that he was present at Caesarion's conception. Which, you'll recall, is more than we can say for Caesar. Vorenus says that Caesarion's father is his friend: "I'll take the boy to him." Cleopatra asks the father's name, which is an odd question at this late date. Vorenus gives her Pullo's name. "Is he a good man?" Cleopatra asks seriously. Vorenus pauses: "Define 'good.'" Oh my god, do we ever not have time for this conversation.
Fortunately, the kids have arrived, and so Cleopatra proudly shows Antony off to them as a macabre lesson. "By his own hand," she says. "That is how nobility dies." And then nobility gets cleaned up and dressed in proper clothes by nobility's lieutenant. Poor Man's Linda Hunt bundles the toddlers out of the room, and Cleopatra tells Caesarion to get ready to take a trip with Vorenus.
And then we see Vorenus in civvies, leading a cloaked Caesarion through the busy streets of Alexandria. Nobody gives them a second look, if even a first one. In fact, I forgot I saw them myself. Wait, saw who? What was the point of this scene again?
Cleopatra has moved her throne into the palace courtyard, which is where she's receiving Octavian. The main gates open and he enters in his red-and-white Consul's robes, flanked by soldiers, as well as by Maecenas and Agrippa in helmets and full armor. Maecenas always looks so miserable in his general's kit, which is why it pleases me to see him in it. Octavian takes a seat across from her for their first conversation, in which he expresses his condolences and offers to do whatever she needs. She acts all grateful and relieved that Octavian hasn't turned out to be the monster Antony described. She confirms that she gets to remain queen of Egypt, and that her children will be safe, including Caesarion. Octavian assures her that it will be so, and she says that's good enough for her. Octavian has just one teeny tiny favor to ask, which is that she come back to Rome with him. Cleopatra's like, "Sure, maybe summer," but Octavian prefers that she return with him. On his ship. Tomorrow. Oh, and bring the kids. He's ever so polite about it, even as he's watching her as though he's looking through a microscope while sitting in a deer blind. Cleopatra pleasantly agrees.
And then Cleopatra's stumbling down the hallway back to her throne room, ugly-crying and tossing aside her veil and giant wig. Poor Man's Linda Hunt follows, gathering up the trail of debris. When they reach the throne room, Cleopatra throws herself to the floor at Antony's feet, just short of the red puddle still on the floor. Whatever; if she really felt that bad, she'd roll around in it. She climbs the steps to the dais, apologizing to Antony and moving his helmet aside so that she can put her head and hands in his dead lap. "I was hungry to live," she says. "But you were right about that boy. He's a monster!" Actually, I don't remember Antony ever calling Octavian anything of the kind. "Upstart" or "whelp," maybe. "Cowardly little shit" and "frog-spawned homunculus," definitely. Cleopatra climbs right into Antony's lap and puts his arms around herself: "I lied to you for nothing. Please don't be angry with me." Then she turns to Poor Man's Linda Hunt and tells her, "Bring the old woman." And then Antony's rigor mortis sets in, and she's not going anywhere. Just kidding about that last bit.
Back in Octavian's tent, His Honor is nursing a headache as he recaps for Pullo that Caesarion has escaped from the palace with Vorenus, and carps, "The man turns loyalty into a vice." He says that he would still forgive Vorenus if he'd only give the kid up. Pullo offers to go look for them, and Octavian gives him the green light. Pullo salutes and smirks out of there.
Vorenus and Caesarion have found a spot in the desert to camp for the night, near a ruined old giant statue head. Vorenus unloads their pack animals as Caesarion haughtily tells Vorenus that he'll be rewarded when Caesarion is back on the throne. He offers him a province to govern and any woman he wants. And it's not like Vorenus isn't appreciative; it's just that he says that part of Caesarion's life is over. "I wonder my father tolerated such a pessimist around him," Caesarion grumps, not knowing the half of it. "There'll be no more talk of that sort." Vorenus gets started on establishing the new power dynamic by throwing a blanket over the kid's head.
That night, Vorenus and Caesarion are sitting at the campfire, and Caesarion is flinching at every noise he hears. "I've not been in the desert at night before," he says. "It does not please me. We shall not do this again." Vorenus starts to get bossy as he wonders how long it's going to take this kid to Get It. And then they both jump to their feet when their horse whinnies in alarm. But it's only Pullo, who casually asks, "How's it going?" Vorenus: "Not so bad, you?" "Same," Pullo says. They chuckle at their own coolness after not seeing each other for five years, and then embrace happily. Pullo makes a comment about the nearby statue head that lets us know that, in the secret note, Vorenus stated this landmark as the appointed meeting-place. Never would have figured that out, otherwise. Pullo is happy to meet Caesarion, but the feeling isn't mutual. "I do not like your manner," Caesarion snots at his bio-dad. "Handsome, isn't he?" Pullo proudly remarks to Vorenus. Caesarion asks what's up with his mom, and Pullo bluntly tells him that she's dead: "Killed herself." Seeing the effect this news has on the boy, Pullo tries to put a hand on his shoulder and says it's the "best way to go. Honorable." Caesarion angrily bats Pullo's hand away, and then goes to stomp away from the campfire with his blankets. But then he returns to the circle of light, sits down, and starts to cry. The men sit on the other side of the fire and let him.
"I thought he'd be bigger," says Pullo, like Caesarion's tiny little mother didn't have genes, too. Getting serious, Pullo reports that, in addition to himself, ten Roman legions are out looking for them, and have cut off every direction but south. Lucky for them Octavian doesn't have eleven legions, then, eh? Vorenus says that he'll accompany them as far as Judea, which reminds us that we never saw Timon again and never will. Although I did get a nice email from Lee Boardman last week, and that softened the blow. Vorenus suggests that, from Judea, Pullo can either hop a ship or flat-out buy one, with the amount of money Cleopatra left them. Pullo seems disappointed that Vorenus isn't coming back to Rome with them. He attempts to lighten the mood with a bright "Probably won't even make it out of Egypt." Hilarious. He returns Vorenus's miniature, and Vorenus asks about his kids. Pullo gives a full report: Vorena the Elder is at the Temple of Orbona with Lyde. Little Lucius is a stonemason's apprentice, which Vorenus is glad and proud to hear. He makes sure that Pullo hasn't been encouraging Little Lucius's soldiering ambitions. And, as Pullo says, Vorena the Younger is a "little tiger." She still isn't getting any lines, but Pullo says she's pretty much in charge of things back home: "Anyone misbehaves, she gives 'em a look like Medusa on the rag." Vorenus actually laughs, but it's the kind of laugh that gets sad at the end. By the way, if Pullo plans to steal a kiss by lying and saying it's from Vorenus's kids, this would be his window. But the moment passes when Vorenus asks Pullo about Gaia, apparently forgetting that the two of them weren't even dating yet when he left. "That didn't end so well," says Pullo. "Long story." So? What, is the game on? They glance across the campfire and see that Caesarion's already asleep. Come on, kid, this scene wasn't that boring.
At the house of the Julii, Octavia and Julii Cooper are having a quiet lunch when a rather diverse group walks right in. It's Octavian, along with a couple of slaves and two bewigged Egyptian moppets. Yes, it's Antony and Cleopatra's kids. Julii Cooper blankly asks when Octavian got back, and he says he came directly from the docks at Ostia. He snaps his fingers, and the nurse leads the kids into a back room like this is his house. Which I guess it technically is, but it wouldn't kill him to occasionally pass up a chance to be an imperious ass. He tells Julii Cooper that Antony killed himself. Julii Cooper hms, stands, and thanks Octavian for telling her: "Congratulations. You're as good as king now." Octavian "modestly" says he's just First Citizen. His eventual title of Emperor will just have to wait until the nonexistent third season. He says he's glad Julii Cooper's not making a big deal of Antony's death: "A display of grief would have been impolitic." Julii Cooper quietly whatevers right out of the room. Octavian drops his cloak on Castor and sits down, explaining to Octavia who the kids are. "Trophies," Octavia says, shaking her head. "Poor things." Octavian asks Octavia to take care of the kids for him, and by way of agreement, she sarcastically compliments him for his mercy. He gets up to leave, and Octavia asks him whether he's murdered Caesarion. "Not yet. Soon, I hope," Octavian answers. Poor Octavia. The only weapon she has against her brother is her sarcastic disapproval, and now he's learned to totally tune out even that.
Back in the desert, Vorenus and Pullo are driving a horse cart past a scorpion that is either gigantic or way in the foreground. Pullo is telling his old friend how he brought down Memmio. "[Memmio's tongue] tasted like chicken," he tells an amazed Caesarion, who thinks that's disgusting. What, Egyptians didn't eat chicken? They come around a bend in the trail and run right into a Roman roadblock. While still out of earshot, Pullo says to Vorenus, "Fifteen gold says I can kill more than you." Vorenus tells him to hold off, saying that they can talk their way past. Pullo thinks that'll only work as long as "his majesty" keeps his mouth shut, but Vorenus insists on staying cool for now. As they pull up, Vorenus greets the roadblock captain with a hearty "Salve," immediately identifying himself as Roman. The captain asks what citizens like them are doing in this part of the world. "Hunting sphinxes," Pullo cracks. The captain straight-mans that there's no such thing. "Now you tell us," Pullo says. Damn, I knew that joke was old, but I had no idea how old. Vorenus comes up with the real cover story, claiming that they're grain merchants who got lost on their way to Memphis. Ooh, get me a postcard from Graceland, would you? Looking suspiciously into the empty cart, the captain asks Caesarion his name. "Aeneas," Caesarion snots, causing the captain to remark on how haughty he is for a slave. Pullo mock-laments that beating the kid doesn't seem to help. The captain smiles and waves them through, which seems too good to be true. And it is, because he adds, in subtitled Egyptian, "Please bless us with your forgiveness, sacred majesty." "Granted, mortal," Caesarion says in Egyptian right back. Busted. "Told you," Pullo says to Vorenus, and they pile off the wagon's seat and start delivering beatdowns to the alarmed soldiers. Vorenus gets stabbed in the back early on, but keeps fighting. I would think maybe the wound isn't so bad if this weren't the series finale. Caesarion runs off, the captain in pursuit, until Pullo hurls a sword that buries itself in the captain's back. After a very bloody minute, nobody's left alive except our three travelers. Vorenus leans all casually with his back against the cart as Pullo brings Caesarion over and loads him back in. Pullo claps his old friend happily on the shoulder, and for a second it seems, again, like it might not be so bad. But then Vorenus collapses onto the ground. Pullo kneels near Vorenus, putting a brave face on things for Caesarion. Vorenus groans that he's done. Pullo calls him a "big girl" and claims it's only a few scratches, but his hand comes away covered in blood. He tells Vorenus that they just need to find someplace to rest for a couple of days. But Vorenus insists on being taken home instead, like they can just hop a plane or something. "I don't want to die in this fucking shithole," he says, urgently grabbing Pullo's shoulders. "I want to see my children. Take me home." Jeez, Vorenus. Pretty desperate way to get out of paying off a bet.
And the screen goes black with the subtitle "One month later." Which means that Vorenus has probably been dead for about four weeks. At the house of the Julii, Octavia takes a break from chasing the kids around to ask if her mother's picked out a dress to wear to Octavian's triumph. Looking gray and tired in a room full of incense smoke, Julii Cooper whispers that she's not going, claiming that she doesn't feel well. "No wonder -- you could choke Vulcan in here," says Octavia, and then gives a little chuckle at the funniest thing she's ever said in her entire life. Octavia tells Julii Cooper that this is her triumph too, as mother to the First-Citizen-Not-Yet-Emperor. "Hooray," Julii Cooper mumbles, with a sarcastic little fist-pump. Octavia gives her big speech about how sad Julii Cooper looks after having worked for this moment all her life. "Amusing, isn't it," Julii Cooper says. Octavia tells her not to give up. And then she herself gives up and leaves. She doesn't really do "inspiring," does she?
Cut to the Town Crier in the Forum, announcing the triumph of "our beloved Imperator, Gaius Octavian Caesar! And the glorious rebirth of our Republic!" So keep the traffic clear, because things could get messy. Pullo drives the horsecart through the Forum with Caesarion riding shotgun and Vorenus lying in the back, looking damp and green like a pre-zombie from the Dawn Of The Dead remake. Somehow, he's still alive. Probably he died back in Egypt, and is just too stubborn to admit it.
At the Aventine Collegium, Mascius is having lunch with Lyde and the Vorenii. Vorena the elder is Meadowing that she's already been to one triumph and doesn't need to see another when, to everyone's surprise, Pullo bursts in, barking orders. He introduces "Aeneas" as "a friend from Egypt" and announces that he brought Vorenus home. "He wants to see you," he tells the kids. "He's been wounded. He's going to die, likely." The kids look sad, because now they don't get to finish their lunch. But at least Mascius doesn't have to go back to being third fucking man again.
Later, Vorenus is unconscious up in his bed as Pullo tells Lyde says that Vorenus should have died weeks ago, but wanted to get home, and shouldn't last long now. After a month of traveling with an allegedly mortal wound, Vorenus has got to be wondering if he wouldn't have been fine if he'd just done what Pullo said. Vorenus wakes up and is glad to see Lyde attending to him, but lifts his head to look around for the kids. Lyde, with tears dripping occasionally from her eyes, just tells him to lie still. Vorenus realizes that the kids don't want to see him: "That's all right. They're stubborn. Stubborn like their mother." Oh, look who's talking. He'd probably get struck by lightning for that remark if Jupiter didn't mind wasting a bolt on a dead man. We see that Vorena the Elder has been secretly watching through the slats in the wall. Vorenus calls Pullo over to sit on his bedside. He's about to say something, but when he hears the trumpets blowing to signal the start of Octavian's triumph, he starts and asks what it is. Because he thought the trumpets meant he was dying, you see. Taking Pullo's hand for courage, Vorenus prepares to give up the ghost. And then Vorena comes in, kisses him on the cheek, and kneels at his bedside, taking his hand. Vorenus smiles. All better. The other two kids follow their sister into the room. I've always wondered how much of their hatred toward Vorenus would have existed without their older sister's encouragement. Vorenus looks content to be back with his children again, however briefly. What would be awesome right now is if the show suddenly got renewed for a third season and Vorenus hopped up out of bed after turning out to have pulled a Royal Tenenbaum.
And now we're in a large hall that's serving as the women's staging area for the triumph. Among all the women in their pale-colored dresses, Livia is acting all queen-bee, with tall hair that makes her forehead even bigger. She approaches an equally vertiginously-coiffed Octavia and makes a little dig about Julii Cooper not being there, which of course Octavian will take as an insult. Octavia tells Livia to put in a good word for their mother, and Livia insincerely promises to do so. She bossily claps her hands, and tells the women to get into order of precedence. Which of course puts her at the front. It's not like she was going to insist on going alphabetically. And then Julii Cooper does show up, looking quite jarringly Goth among all these pastel confections in her black-and-red dress. She takes her place at the front of the column between Octavia, who's smiling, and Livia, who's not, and says, "Let's get this charade over with." Livia tries to oh-so-politely point out her own precedence, using the priests' opinions to support her arguments. "I don't give a fuck what the priests say," Julii Cooper spits. "I'll not let a vicious little trollop like you walk in front of me." Not realizing how completely outmatched she is, Livia acts all unoffended: "You are not yourself," she says magnanimously. "I know who you are," Julii Cooper returns, seeing in Livia's eyes that she's already planning to take her down hard. "Far better women than you have sworn to do the same. Go and look for them now." Octavia smirks to see that her mom's bad-assery has spontaneously grown back. I gather we're supposed to be cheering for the return of Julii Cooper's indomitable spirit, but considering how much war, political upheaval, death, and misery her "indomitable spirit" has instigated on a historic scale over the past two season, I'm a bit ambivalent.
The giant doors open slowly, out onto the Forum with its cheering throngs. She leads the women out onto the dais and takes her seat, looking down at the cheering crowds. Soldiers parade through the crowd, with Octavian riding on a chariot drawn by two white horses, while another man rides behind him holding a laurel crown above his head. It's a lot like Caesar's triumph, except that Octavian is in white and has a clean face instead of a herd's worth of cattle blood smeared on himself. The crowd chants, "Caesar! Caesar! Caesar!" as flower petals rain everywhere. Watched coldly by his mother, Octavian dismounts the chariot and walks up to the dais, taking his place between Livia and Julii Cooper. Behind them, Agrippa and Octavia share a secret look. Still doing it? Julii Cooper's composure threatens to crack as a cart passes by carrying the rotting remains of Antony and Cleopatra in their mocking finery. But she holds it together and just looks at Octavian, who casts her a brief glance back. And that'll do it for Julii Cooper.
On some other day, Pullo enters Octavian's villa to find him playing with himself. It's a board game, but still. Are you picking up the symbolism that Octavian has cleared the field of all worthy opponents? Nah, me either. Octavian acts all happy at seeing the old friend who reminds him that he used to be human. "Old friends are a rare commodity," he says, and deigns to shake Pullo's hand. He invites Pullo to sit, and asks whatever happened to Caesarion. Pullo says that he found him, and cut his throat, "about 40-odd miles south of Alex": "I brought his head to show you, but it went bad. Didn't look like anyone. So I tossed it." Octavian's face is looking taut, but he only asks what happened to Vorenus. "Didn't make it" is all Pullo says. Octavian says that's a shame: "He was a good man." So we keep hearing. Octavian figures that Pullo will be wanting his reward. Pullo's pleasantly surprised to hear of such a thing. "Wouldn't say no," he says agreeably. Octavian smiles again.
And we cut back to the street as the show's main title theme kicks in one last time. After giving a coin to a beggar, because he's rich now, Pullo meets up with Caesarion. According to history, Caesarion actually was murdered by Octavian's men, but now Rome is telling us that's only what we were supposed to think. All the wacky hijinks that will ensue from keeping Caesarion's identity a secret are the best reason yet to be sad that there will be no third season. Pullo tells Caesarion that Octavian bought the story. Caesarion starts going into a filibuster about how he plans to one day retake his position and avenge his mother and redeem his father's name. "Listen," Pullo says. "About your father..."
And the credits roll. My thanks to all you fine citizens, Wing Chun, and, as always, my miraculously patient and supportive wife Trash. Look for my interview with a behind-the-scenes person from Rome in the week or so, and then I'm going back to the relatively leisurely pace of writing one recap a week. I'll have so much time to kill, you'll find me playing board games with myself.