Rome TV Show - J.C. Phone Rome - Rome Photos & Videos, Rome Reviews & Rome Recaps | TWoP

Aired 10-01-2005

Caesar's got himself a couple of problems. The first is that, while pursuing Pompey in Greece, he's suddenly, at long last, outnumbered. He writes to Mark Antony for help, which is where his second problem comes into play: Antony isn't exactly rushing to the rescue. Things are going pretty nicely for Mark Antony, after all, running Rome and living in Pompey's house and staging naked catfights with real swords and so on. Mark Antony's disloyalty irritates Vorenus, even though Vorenus's life is going pretty nicely as well, now that Pullo has taken care of the Evander/Lyde problem and Niobe's being all kinds of attentive to her husband. But then Julii Cooper ruins everything for everybody, as she does. She has Pullo get Octavian laid, and then kicks Octavian out of the city for his own safety, now that he's suddenly a "man of the Julii." She sends Octavia to Servilia with a peace offering, which gives Servilia an opening to start sowing a little familial discord. And in encouraging Mark Antony to abandon Caesar to his fate, Julii ends up inciting him to do the opposite. So Vorenus is off to Greece with the army after all. That is, if he and Pullo don't end up at the bottom of the sea first.

This episode was directed by Alan Poul. Ah, so we meet again.

The little slave boy that Vorenus brought home last episode is all crammed up in some kind of little cabinet with barely enough space for him and the camera. The sad music of poor-little-slave-boy- who-has-a-smaller- living-space-than- Harry-Potter plays as mysterious footsteps rustle around outside the box. The boy listens and looks around like he's waiting to be taken out and used, or perhaps beaten, or perhaps even used in a beating. And then the lid on the hamper is lifted, and he and Vorenus's younger daughter scream at each other. The boy hops out and the kids chase each other around the courtyard adorably, because being a slave isn't so bad when you're owned by the Vorenii. Even when playing hide and seek with one of them, she'll hold up the lid for you so you can make your escape when she could tag you at any moment. Somebody lacks her dad's killer instinct.

Upstairs, Niobe is lacing up Vorenus's uniform sandals, and he suggests that they go away for a little trip. While Niobe appreciates the thought, she insists that her sister Lyde needs her. And indeed, we see Lyde moping over the kitchen table in the other room. Niobe timelines that Evander's been missing for two months (which also explains why the slave boy isn't limping anymore), and that they're starting to think something bad has happened. "Very likely something bad has happened," Vorenus says loudly. "Very likely he is DEAD!" Vorenus stomps past a now-sobbing Lyde. Sure, get her all worked up right before you leave. I've done that with other people's dogs, but never their grief-stricken sisters. In the passageway from the courtyard to the street, he toe-nudges a sleeping Pullo, who apparently is no longer allowed to crash on the stairs. Lyde must be sleeping there now. Vorenus says that Pullo needs to wake up so that they can get to work. "Mump off and die, you pigfucker," Pullo grumbles in his sleep. ["Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays!" -- Wing Chun]

We skip right past whatever ugly smackdown may have ensued to Pullo dunking his head in a basin to wake up. It appears to work, more or less. He and a glowering Vorenus head out, but not before J. No wordlessly sends Pullo off with a bit of bread. Pullo thanks her, which Vorenus advises against. "Bad for discipline," he snaps. Noticing that Vorenus's customary bad mood has been replaced by an even worse mood, Pullo asks if it's Niobe. "I don't understand her," Vorenus grumbles. "All the hoo over her sister's damn husband." Pullo starts to say that maybe Niobe is...something, but before he can reach an adjective, Vorenus is right up in his face. "I dunno. Women," Pullo finishes lamely, and follows his superior officer to work, wishing that somebody would hurry the fuck up and invent coffee already. Because hanging around with Lucius Cantankerus is starting to get a little nervous-making. Only one of them is wearing armor and full weaponry to work every day, after all.

Back home, little Lucius is throwing a wobbler in his crib. Niobe picks him up for a snuggle while Lyde watches inscrutably.

One of those merchants who just a few weeks ago was begging Julii Cooper for protection is now making a wordy case to Mark Antony for some such. Except he's taking about ten minutes just to address him. The Romans did love their formalities, didn't they? Well, aside from Mark Antony, of course, who cuts off the ass-kissing and orders the man to get to the point. But even then it's too late, because Mark Antony has just gotten word that someone named Publius Servilius has arrived. "Oh, good, that'll do for this crowd, then," Antony says with relief, and orders everyone kicked out. The crowd of petitioners in the room grumbles, until Mark Antony calls the name of Vorenus, who nods at Pullo, who bellows "Out!" and makes a shooing motion with his arms. The petitioners scatter. Chain of command in action. Mark Antony asks the woman behind him for a pear, and rubs the head of Cato the Dwarf at his side. By this time, Servilius has presented himself before Antony, who rises from his comfy chair and warmly greets the man with an embrace, calling him "My dear old friend!" Servilius -- played by Simon Callow from Amadeus and Four Weddings and a Funeral, and how nice to be able to recognize another actor on this show at last -- asks whether they actually know each other. Antony confesses that he has no idea, but always pretends so with civilians. "Seems more politic," he chuckles, and Servilius chuckles back. Servilius introduces the sour-faced woman at his side as his wife Poppea. Mark Antony apologizes for the activity going on, and here we see a guy in the background slapping plain yellow paint over a classical mural. "I found Pompey's taste in décor rather dull. I like a little more color." Oh, he's squatting in Pompey's crib? Pompey's going to be pissed if he ever sees the place again. Antony asks Poppea's leave to talk business, and she tells him to pretend she isn't there. "Impossible," Mark Antony mock-flirts as he returns to his seat, "but I shall try."

And the business is this: it turns out Servilius is the most senior Senator who hasn't left Rome. "And a turnabout Pompeyan to boot," Mark Antony comments. Before Servilius can start babbling, Mark Antony says he thinks it would be fun to make Servilius Consul for the year. Servilius is overwhelmed at the honor, but Mark Antony cuts him off again, saying that, in return he wants a few items passed at the Senate meeting. First, he wants Caesar ratified as Servilius's Co-Consul. "But he is dictator in any case?" Servilius asks, confused. Mark Antony says, "It sounds so much better if he's Consul. More amicable. You got that?" Servilius has got that. Item the second is the proposition of a law stating that, throughout Italy, one-third of every man working with cattle or in agriculture must be freed men or citizens. Off Servilius's confusion, Mark Antony explains that the glut of slaves has caused high unemployment, and that they need to create more jobs. The slaves painting in the background give him dirty looks at this. Servilius complains that it'll be expensive. Mark Antony agrees, but they're really only soaking the rich landowners, who will have "the consolation of doing something eminently patriotic." Assuming they don't misinterpret the law and cut off all of their slaves' legs above the knee and emancipate the severed limbs. Over by the entrance, Pullo grins and Vorenus glowers. Servilius is still not on board with the plan, but Mark Antony says he's insisting on having the law passed out of friendship to Caesar. He pleasantly threatens to bypass the Senate and call an assembly of the people, which will give Servilius a chance to persuade them that Caesar's wrong. Yeah, good luck with that. Servilius knows he's beaten, and agrees to propose the law to the Senate. Fortunately for him, that's all Antony wants. For now, at least. "I don't know what to say," Servilius says. "Say nothing then," Mark Antony advises. "It's often best." Servilius takes the advice. Mark Antony introduces Posca, "Caesar's creature," saying he'll take care of the details. Mark Antony rises again and approaches Poppea: "My dove, if your husband should die, come to me and we will marry, nay?" He gives her a little goose and leaves the scandalized couple to receive a scroll from Posca. I bet he wouldn't be acting this obnoxious if Caesar were around. Yet another reason to be glad the boss is gone.

After work, Vorenus and Pullo are heading back home through the streets, which are once again choked with activity. Clearly, things in the city have chilled out enough for people to feel safe leaving their homes. Or maybe they just got hungry. Pullo thinks Vorenus should be glad that Caesar and Antony are looking out for the little people rather than turning out to be the tyrants Vorenus feared they would be. But he's underestimating Vorenus's ability always to find something to complain about. It's like Vorenus's superpower. In this case, his gripe is the fact that Mark Antony "negotiates with a whore and a dwarf at his side. Do you think Cincinnatus or Marius or even the Gracii would demean themselves so?" I have to agree 100% with Pullo when he responds, "Who?" They run across another party of soldiers, with whom they stop and exchange salutes. Having lost his momentum, Vorenus decides he's not going home and realizes he needs a drink. Pullo's surprised to hear it, but he's not about to argue.

Back home, things are a little tense among the womenfolk. Lyde's sitting around looking sad, and Niobe, cutting Vorena's hair, manages to hurt her in the process. Must be dull scissors. The nosy neighbor, Mrs. Kravus, advises Vorena to cheer up so that she can get a new husband. I wonder what's wrong with the husband she's all set up with, and so does she, but apparently now that her dad's a Prefect, she's too good to be a drover's wife. Niobe agrees. Vorena says she doesn't want anyone, in that case, but Niobe says it wouldn't be decent for her not to marry at her age. "'Decent,' she says," Vorena Meadows. Uh-oh. Niobe points the scissors at her and warns her to keep her mouth shut. Vorena knows an empty threat when she hears one, and storms off. Niobe sighs sadly, wishing she'd cut out her daughter's tongue when she had the chance.

At the bar, Vorenus is getting well into his cups and pouring his heart out to Pullo about his matrimonial troubles. "Maybe I should beat her, do you think?" he wonders helplessly. Pullo advises, "That only works if you keep at it. A good thrashing once or twice a day 'til they're docile. But then they don't look so good." They laugh, because ha, domestic violence. Pullo says it would be shame to ruin Niobe's beauty, and Vorenus agrees that she has that. But he's at a loss. "I give her slaves, money, everything, and what do I get? A house full of wailing. My wife won't even couple with me." Pullo, realizing it's even more serious than he thought, asks why not. Vorenus says she can't while her sister's staying there. Well, yeah, it's not a very big house. It would be kind of weird. Of course, if Lyde were as hot as Niobe is, I'm sure Vorenus would be able to think of something. Vorenus guzzles some more wine while Pullo does the slow, judicious drinking of the designated drover.

By M. Giant

After work, Vorenus and Pullo are heading back home through the streets, which are once again choked with activity. Clearly, things in the city have chilled out enough for people to feel safe leaving their homes. Or maybe they just got hungry. Pullo thinks Vorenus should be glad that Caesar and Antony are looking out for the little people rather than turning out to be the tyrants Vorenus feared they would be. But he's underestimating Vorenus's ability always to find something to complain about. It's like Vorenus's superpower. In this case, his gripe is the fact that Mark Antony "negotiates with a whore and a dwarf at his side. Do you think Cincinnatus or Marius or even the Gracii would demean themselves so?" I have to agree 100\% with Pullo when he responds, "Who?" They run across another party of soldiers, with whom they stop and exchange salutes. Having lost his momentum, Vorenus decides he's not going home and realizes he needs a drink. Pullo's surprised to hear it, but he's not about to argue.

Lyde is upstairs crying (about what, I can't for the life of me remember) as Niobe comes behind her and wraps her arms around her sister, saying she's sorry. Lyde cries for a moment, and then throws Niobe off furiously. "You weren't sorry when you were fucking my husband!" she screeches. Niobe tries to shush her, which only fuels Lyde's anger. "You're a thief and a whore and you stole my husband!" she accuses. Niobe denies that last part, saying that Evander came to her, which she goes so far as to imply was Lyde's fault. Oops. Niobe literally falls to her knees and begs forgiveness, but Lyde ain't trying to hear that. Instead, she curses Niobe. I don't mean she swears at her; she actually puts a curse on her. There's much less production and incense involved than with Servilia's curse, but it's the thought that counts, right? Lyde says she'll keep the secret for little Lucius's sake, but doesn't want Niobe to speak to her again. Niobe looks sad as her sister leaves. I'm sorry, but where's the bad? That sounds pretty win-win for Niobe. ...Oh, right, the curse.

Octavian and Pullo are once again practice-sparring in Julii Cooper's back yard, but with several differences this time. First, Octavian doesn't get pretend-killed almost immediately. Secondly, Julii Cooper and Octavia are watching. Thirdly, Pullo's wielding a padded spear that abruptly turns into a wooden sword somehow. Man and boy have a rather slow-motion battle, exchanging carefully-timed pretend blows until Pullo pretend-attacks with his shield in a way that leaves the back of his knee undefended. Octavian delivers a pretend slash to that area, so Pullo obligingly cries out and pretend-goes down. Octavian raises his sword for the pretend-killing blow. And, scene. Octavian's mother and sister applaud appreciatively, even though the whole thing looked pretty choreographed for their benefit. Good luck to him if he ever tries moving that slowly in an actual fight. On the plus side, if Octavian ever finds himself in a pitched battle in an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, he'll be well prepared. Julii Cooper gushes over Octavian's performance and regrets that Caesar isn't there to see it, and even suggests that Octavian go join his great-uncle in Greece: "If we're not quick, Pompey and Cato and all those fools will be dead before Octavian gets his chance to shine." Octavia thinks this is all a really terrible idea, saying that Octavian is still a child. Both he and Julii Cooper disagree, and Octavia says there's more to manhood than swordplay. From over where he's gathering up the fake weapons, Pullo smirks to himself. "There's more than one kind of sword," he's probably thinking. Julii Cooper's mind goes to the same place as she asks Octavian, "Have you penetrated anyone yet?" Ah, the maternal question every thirteen-year-old dreads. Embarrassed, Octavian admits that he hasn't, and an annoyed Julii Cooper says, "Titus Pullo, didn't I tell you to sort that out? I'm sure I did." Pullo promises to take care of it. Julii Cooper adds, "And none of your soldier's sordid she-wolves, mind you. Something clean and pretty." "Clean and pretty it is," Pullo agrees, doing a very nice job of not taking offense. Julii says she'll put in the order for Octavian's My First Toga, and wonders if there's anything else she's forgetting. "Perhaps you could arrange he killed someone," Octavia [sic]s. Julii says that'll happen in its own in good time, and leaves, satisfied that she's accomplished another vital step in her plan to get her only son killed.

By M. Giant

And now it's time for Caesar's one scene of the episode. He sits at his desk in his tent, looking over a letter he's just written. He hands it to a secretary, who folds it and seals it with Caesar's stamp in a dollop of wax. The secretary hands it to a courier, who lights out across Greece at full gallop. Having arrived in Rome, the courier hands it to Vorenus, who passes it to Posca, who wakes up Mark Antony to read it. And what does the letter say? As the preceding events transpire on screen, Caesar explains in voice-over that during the time Pompey has been running from Caesar, he's also gathered ten legions from the east and has turned the tables on Caesar. Nice multitasking, that. Now Caesar is outnumbered, his men are tired, and he's going to have to stand and fight soon. Or ditch that big old desk of his, one of the two. He asks Mark Antony to get the Thirteenth Legion to Greece as quickly as possible. Reading this, Mark Antony murmurs, "Damnation." Posca offers to begin putting Caesar's orders in motion, but Mark Antony wants some time to think. Huh. Can't wait for Posca to report that to Caesar.

Julii Cooper and Octavia are shopping for jewelry the way really rich people shop for jewelry, i.e. the jeweler has come to their house. Which probably sounds nice, unless you don't see anything you like. Then it would just be awkward. As Octavian watches from across the room, Julii Cooper chooses a necklace for Octavia that's fancier than Octavia would like, as well as something for herself. "[Mark Antony] likes me in Eastern styles," she tells Octavia. Well, yeah, it doesn't look like he's going east himself any time soon. Julii Cooper sets her maid loose to negotiate. "Five thousand," the jeweler mutters, to which the maid flatly responds, "You are a teef." Heh. She gets the price down to three thousand. Octavia still frets about the expense, given the current situation, and Julii Cooper "assures" her that she's thinking ahead. Castor comes in to announce Pullo's arrival, and Octavian says to tell Pullo he's not feeling well. Julii Cooper belays that order right quick, and insists, "You will penetrate someone today or I will burn your wretched books in the yard." That's hitting Octavian where he lives. He'd probably rather get kicked in the balls, especially under the circumstances. He gets up to go, and Julii Cooper smiles, satisfied. Teenagers all across North America wish she were their mom.

Pullo leads Octavian through the streets to what looks like a pretty nice brothel, and holds the curtain open for him. Octavian lingers nervously in the street. Pullo approaches Octavian and assures him there's nothing to it. "If there's nothing to it, why's such a fuss made of the thing?" Octavian retorts. Pullo says he'll soon see. Well, maybe he will and maybe he won't. Did the Romans have a god of performance anxiety?

By M. Giant

...where Niobe is applying some kind of lip cosmetic as she looks into a rather dimpled mirror. Looks like, with her sister out of the picture, she's decided that it's time to pay off her karmic debt to someone else. She hears Vorenus coming up the stairs and rises expectantly. He comes in, surprised to see her all fancied up, with candles burning everywhere and dinner on the table. And no wailing women or babies, either. Niobe says she thought Vorenus might like some time alone with her, so she basically kicked everyone out for the night. She invites him to sit. Stupid man that he is, he says he's already eaten. But noticing her disappointed look, he quickly says he'll have some more. She jumps when he puts his scabbard loudly on the table, for which he immediately apologizes. They smile awkwardly as she serves him dinner, until he invites her to sit down with him. Apparently, this represents some breach of spousal etiquette, but she accepts the invitation, as well as a drink from his goblet and some bread. I realize the writers of this show have a job of work creating characters who live by the norms and mores of the time, without being completely unsympathetic to modern audiences. It's a tricky balancing act, and it's nicely done here. They eat together all extreme close-up and sexy-like. "The calendar is correct if you would like to have me tonight," Niobe says. Vorenus says he would. They eat some more, but probably not a lot more. At least not at the table.

Out in the courtyard, Pullo eats alone by candlelight, wondering how he came back from Gaul a hero and ended up in the Mary Stuart Masterson part in Some Kind of Wonderful.

Niobe washes her naked husband, kneeling before him and working her way up from his feet. This must be what Romans did for IV-play. He quickly runs out of patience for that, though, and pulls her up into a standing position so that they can mack. And then, probably not much later, they're naked on the bed with Niobe wrapped all around the Vorpenus. The camera pans up past them and out the window with its lovely matte painting of Rome by night.

Octavian's Russian mail-order prostitute has an accent to match. He comments on it, trying to make small talk and asking where she's from. All she knows is that her family was killed and she was taken to Rome very young. Which doesn't really explain the persistence of the accent. "Oh, I see, sad," Octavian says, and decides to get it over with already. Undoing his belt, he asks her to turn over. She appears to not understand, until he finishes pulling his tunic over his head and clarifies, "On your hands and knees?" She obeys silently. Octavian approaches the prostitute as he might approach the task of mucking out a stable. And then fucking the horse afterward.

Pullo waits patiently out in the lobby. He asks the Madam, "I don't suppose, seeing as I'm with the quality --" "Not a chance," the Madam drones without looking up from her bookkeeping. Heh. Nice try.

Swords clash! Boobies flash! Yes, after a couple of slow weeks in the nudity and violence department the show has decided to combine the two. A couple of topless women are dueling with actual weapons as a naked Mark Antony eggs them on from the bed. "No, do it for real! Fight!" he shouts at them. The terrified women kick it up a few notches, scaring the hell out of themselves. Then Steve the Wisecracking Time Traveler shows up with a video camera, for which Mark Antony gives him Tuscany. Not really. Posca enters instead, utterly scandalized and a little frightened as he carefully makes his way around the periphery to Mark Antony. Finally, the woman wearing Mark Antony's helmet -- the same one who gave him a pear earlier -- gets a slash across the belly and falls onto the bed to him, weeping. He comforts her by licking the blood off of the shallow wound. Irritated at being interrupted, he asks Posca what the hell he wants. Posca's there to remind him of his dinner plans at Julii Cooper's place. Mark Antony curses, and then sends the whores away to lick their own wounds so that he can get ready.

Mark Antony appears to be late anyway, though, as Julii Cooper storms through her house demanding of the air where her dinner guest is. The maid makes some lame excuse about men and politics, which Julii Cooper blows off. You'd think she'd quit inviting people to dinner all the time, given all the heartache it keeps causing her. She calls for Castor, and tells him to send someone to inquire after Mark Antony's whereabouts. Castor turns to obey. Julii Cooper calls him back to tell him to make sure nobody says that it's her asking. Castor turns to obey. Julii Cooper realizes Mark Antony will know it's her asking anyway, and tells Castor not to send anyone. Castor stands still to obey. "If he comes, he comes. I don't care," Julii Cooper rages, convincing no one.

By M. Giant

Inside the brothel, the Madam starts to shoo Pullo out, until he reveals that he's there to get a young noble's card punched. The Madam, whose cosmetic regimen is one that a clown would reject as too garish, gets friendly real quick-like, and asks the nervous boy what he's in the mood for. "First-timer," Pullo whispers to her. "Nothing too savory." I don't even know what that means, but I'm pretty sure I'm grossed out. The Madam nods knowingly and claps her hands for the stock to enter. Octavian barely looks. Pullo's taking care of that, though, dismissing one girl as "too skinny. Won't know he's been, will he?" After the Madam introduces the fourth prospect as "fresh off the boat," Octavian realizes that a guy isn't really his thing, and points at the third prostitute, who looks a lot like a Russian mail-order bride. Pullo wants to spend a little more time shopping, but Octavian just wants this over with. The Madam sends the goods out of the room, and hits Pullo up for payment: "One thousand," she whispers. Pullo scoffs that he could have half the whores in Narbo for that. "And their mothers," he adds. Pullo pays up with the purse Julii Cooper sent along, probably disappointed that there isn't any left for himself. "But the girl better fuck him like Helen of Troy with her ass on fire," Pullo warns. Aw, it's sweet how protective he is.

In Mark Antony's office, Vorenus closes the double doors behind someone who's come to visit the General, leaving just the three of them in the room. Mark Antony bids the visitor speak. "Gnaeus Pompey Magnus sends greetings," the man says. "He hopes you find his house satisfactory." "It'll do," Mark Antony smirks, and tells the visitor to get to his point. Which is that Pompey is offering the chance for Mark Antony to make a separate peace to avoid sharing Caesar's fate. "And?" Mark Antony prompts, earning him a look from Vorenus. The deal is that Pompey's offering Mark Antony his life, a province, and "money enough to preserve [his] dignity." Mark Antony asks why Pompey thinks he values his life so highly. "Why have you not left for Greece?" the messenger asks in return. Mark Antony snarls at the man, and tells him to come back the day for his answer. The guy starts to leave, but Mark Antony tells him to take a different exit, and to disguise himself. Classy guy, that Mark Antony. Once the messenger has gone, Vorenus fixes his boss with an aggressively disgusted look. Mark Antony dismisses him just as aggressively. So Antony went to all the trouble and expense of getting Vorenus back just so that he could have one of his best soldiers standing around and disapproving of him?

Mark Antony picks at his dinner, pleading a small appetite after years of being a soldier and living on B.C.-rations. Julii brings up the news from Greece, saying she's still hopeful: "Caesar always finds a way to win." Mark Antony points out that Pompey outnumbers Caesar ten to one: "Arithmetic has no mercy." Yeah, I've known that since second grade. Julii asks what his plan is, and in a remarkable show of discretion, he waits for a slave to finish clearing away his plate before confessing that he doesn't know. Julii Cooper has a suggestion: "You could be the first man in Rome," she says. He says he never thought about it like that, and she says he should. "I'm thinking about something entirely different," he smirks. Hmm, what could that be, after he got himself all hot and bothered staging a naked cat-duel and never got to pop off? Beekeeping?

Oh, I was close. Actually, they're fucking like bunnies. Oiled-up, borderline-tantric bunnies, but bunnies nonetheless. Mark Antony rolls off, and Julii Cooper calls for water. The omnipresent maid pours a glass and brings it over, and they both have a drink. "I could sleep for a week," Antony pants as the slave resumes her place on a chair by the wall. As Julii Cooper covers the Julii Hooters, she says she has an idea: they should get married. Well, she did that all backwards. Mark Antony panics for a moment, until Julii Cooper says she loves him, which causes him to decide she's joking. Heh. She assures him that she's only thinking strategically. She says she'll need protection if Caesar is defeated. Mark Antony agrees, and asks what's in it for him, since he'll be defeated also. Julii Cooper says that's only true if he goes to Greece and gets his ass kicked. Whereas, if he stays in Rome, he has everything he needs to rule the city except money and nobility, which she can provide. She's offering to make him King, basically. "And you would be Queen," Mark Antony points out. "I would be your loving and obedient wife," Julii Cooper false-modesties. "If only I were willing to desert a friend," Mark Antony says. "A man of your own blood." Julii Cooper says that Caesar will die either way: "But you are far too clever to share his fate needlessly." Oops. Never compliment Mark Antony's intelligence. He hates that. In any case, stating the situation so baldly causes Mark Antony's smile to melt away. "I hadn't realized until now," he says slowly, "what a wicked old harpy you really are." Enraged, Julii Cooper smacks him across the face. Apparently she didn't get the scroll that says the men hit back on this show, because she's surprised when he backhands her. Before it can go any further, the slave is on her feet, a dagger at the ready. I'm sure Mark Antony could take her, but who wants to tangle with an armed and fiercely loyal slave when the only weapon you have handy could get sliced off? Julii Cooper screams at him to get out, and he takes his bare ass and goes.

Pullo walks Octavian back to his front door, and Octavian thanks him for his trouble. I'm surprised Pullo didn't take him out to get him drunk while they were at it. Pullo snaps to attention as Mark Antony and his entourage of officers come stomping out of the compound. Octavian goes inside without another word. Meanwhile, Mark Antony is striding full-speed down the street, nearly in tears at what he almost did. Or maybe at being called clever. It's hard to say.

Julii Cooper actually is in tears, crying in her maid's lap. Way to go, lady. I understand that every nighttime soap has to have s schemer, but why does ours suck so much? Most people who are that bad at manipulating people either give it up at a young age, or at least give us the satisfaction of letting us watch them get voted off the island.

The morning, Vorenus uses a pair of tweezers to pull a giant thorn out of the ball of Niobe's foot. The size of that thing, he could have used salad tongs. He shows it to her, and she puts it into a little bowl on the table so that the baby can eat it later. And then he rolls over onto her on the bed. They giggle at their own decadence, until Vorena sticks her head in the door, calling, "That dwarf is asking for you." If I were to make a list of the words I never want to hear in bed, "dwarf" would be pretty near the top.

It turns out that Little Cato's down in the courtyard, announcing that the Thirteenth Legion is mustering. Vorenus runs down the stairs, tunic unbelted, to ask where they're going. "Greece!" snaps Little Cato, and leaves. Niobe sits sadly on the stairs, and Vorenus has a whole new reason to be unhappy. It's good to rotate the stock so it stays fresh, I guess.

Pompey's messenger paces impatiently in his boss's former house. Suddenly, Mark Antony, in full armor, troops through the room at the head of his equally well-armored staff. The messenger asks what he should tell Pompey, and Mark Antony apologizes for forgetting him. And then sucker-punches him into the fountain before tromping out. I don't think Pompey's going to be happy to hear that.

Julii Cooper is thoughtfully inspecting something that's being presented to her. The angle shifts to a bald slave standing before her with downcast eyes. In his hands he hold a pillow upon which rests a gold, jewel-encrusted turtle. And below the pillow is a ribbon tied in a bow around his otherwise naked cock. Everyone on the boards was talking about how hugely endowed this guy was, but I don't see it. It's perfectly normal. If he were thirty feet tall, I mean. Julii Cooper complains about the slave's dry skin, and orders Castor to "have him well-oiled before he's presented." Octavia enters the room, and stops short in embarrassment. "I'm afraid to ask," she says. Julii Cooper says it's a little care package for Servilia. Before Octavia can inquire further, Octavian enters, looking resplendent in an elaborate blue toga in place of the youth's white tunic he's been wearing all season. Or actually he would look resplendent if he didn't also look so embarrassed. Julii Cooper kvells over him, until Octavia drags the conversation back to the question of why Servilia's getting presents from them. Julii Cooper says that they'll need Servilia's goodwill after Caesar and Pompey are defeated ("If they are defeated," Octavian tries to correct, but gets shot down). Octavia wonders if Julii Cooper really thinks this will do it. "I don't see why not," she says. "A large penis is always welcome." Octavia doubts it's enough, after Julii Cooper broke up Servilia and Caesar. ["The larger the offense, the larger the penis required to forgive it?" -- Wing Chun] Julii Cooper doesn't think Servilia knows Julii was behind it, but Octavia says Servilia's not stupid. Julii Cooper says, "Servilia has no guile in her." Yeah, that makes two of you, Mata Harpy. She claims, "If she knew it, we would certainly have heard about it." She tells Octavia to deliver the gifts and find out what Servilia's thinking. Octavia huffs at how much her life sucks sometimes. Almost as much as Octavian's does, now that Julii Cooper is announcing that he's going to the Academy at Mediolanum with Timon. Octavian's confused. "You're a man now," Julii Cooper duhs. "Rome's not safe for men of the Julii." Like it's his fault for going through all the rites of passage she arranged for him. I'm starting to think she hates this kid. She then turns to complain about her gift's toenails, which she wants painted. She also wants flowers on the poor guy's head, as well as six barrels of ice. Castor makes a note of it. Yeah, that'll go well with the giant cock. She turns to where her children are standing there hating her and says, "Don't look so foolish. I know what I'm about."

By M. Giant

Nearly in tears, Octavian walks out of the Roman gates with Timon and a bunch of his men. He's acting like he's never been out of the city before, the big baby. Of course, the last time didn't exactly go all that well for him, so perhaps his distress is understandable.

Mark Antony leads the soldiers who didn't go with Caesar on the road out of Rome. I'd comment on how unwise it is to leave Rome undefended -- again -- but I'm too distracted by the fact that Mark Antony's standard appears to be a heron or a crane or something. Ooh, scary. Rome is probably less likely to be attacked with that thing gone. Vorenus rides along on horseback, glowering sadly. Pullo's on foot, carrying a bunch of gear, his expression neutral. He's probably thinking about all the Greek people he's going to have to help get laid.

Another shot of the city calendar, indicating time passing. I'm starting to get the hang of that thing. It's a long shot this time, so a lot of time passes.

It's raining at the Forum. From the shelter of an archway, the Town Crier bellows at the abandoned square that a Roman fleet has sailed for Greece. And then he does a little commercial for the Capitoline Brotherhood of Millers. I was wondering how that guy got paid.

It's also raining out on the Adriatic or Ionian or Tyrrhenian Sea (I own a globe, but no Roman history textbooks, okay?), where a few rickety, fragile-looking little "ships" the size of wooden RVs are getting tossed around by the surf. Vorenus and Pullo are sitting aboard one of them, packed in among their comrades on benches without their armor so that when the boat splits open like Michael's raft, it'll take them a few extra seconds to drown. There are scores of soldiers crammed in there, completely soaked and puking all over each other. It's even worse than Coach. Traveling like that would be bad enough, but then to be expected to fight a war when they get there? I don't even like to fight a war after a long weekend. What a ridiculously dangerous time to be alive. The minute beds were invented, I don't know why anybody ever got out of one. Of course, now we have plenty of modern ways to get killed, like automobile accidents and cancer and Neoconservatives, so I guess everything is a tradeoff. Over the din of the storm, Pullo bellows at Vorenus, "This is cac, this is!," and complains about being soaked through. Vorenus uncharacteristically tries to be positive, assuring Pullo that the generous offering that was made to Triton should keep them safe. Pullo, knowing full well how much this kind of thing bugs Vorenus, hollers back, "If Triton can't keep me drier than this, he can suck my cock!" He just will not stop with that. He's like one of those people who insists on saying "Macbeth" to actors all the time. Right on cue, a bolt of lightning strikes. "Why can't you learn to keep your fat mouth shut?" Vorenus yells, as the boat starts to look like it's about to get Perfect Stormed. Ah, so it's that kind of show now, is it? I can't say I'm disappointed.

By M. Giant

Octavia has gotten herself all dressed up in a fancy gown and her new necklace to stand in humiliation to the naked man in Servilia's parlor. By the way, thanks to the nine million people who emailed me a couple of weeks ago to notify me that Servilia is not of the Julii, but of the Junii. So there's no relation. Correction noted. "To what do I owe this generosity?" Servilia asks. Octavia tries to say it's a gesture of friendship, but Servilia's not impressed. "Tell your mother I hope to one day reciprocate her friendship," she says coldly. Those words...I do not think they mean what she thinks they mean. Maybe by "reciprocate" she means "force her to choke on." She's about to send the girl away rebuffed, but then thinks better of it and calls her back. She apologizes and says kindly, "I know that, whatever others might do, you are blameless." Octavia stands there dithering awkwardly, torn between familial loyalty and her sense of decency as a human being (where she ever got one of those is a mystery, for now). Servilia asks Octavia to tell Julii Cooper, "I am grateful for the gifts, and I treasure her friendship as always." Octavia nearly goes limp with relief. Servilia invites her to visit again some time, and kisses her on the forehead. Looks like someone's hoping to acquire herself a spy in the house of Julii. Interesting. What was that about not having any guile in her, again?

By M. Giant

We're back in the Vorenian courtyard. The longer this show goes on, the more the courtyard reminds me of a certain other residential complex's courtyard, i.e. the one at Melrose Place. Sure, there's no pool, but given the fact that the building is constructed of wood and straw and packed to the gills with burning torches, oil lamps, and candles, it's just as likely to go up in a giant fireball at any given moment. I suppose I could try to prove my hypothesis that the more courtyard scenes are included in a given episode, the more Rome is embracing its nighttime-soap side. But calculating a "courtyard index" sounds like a lot of work, so I'm not going to. Anyway. Pullo tenderly tells J. No goodbye and gives her a little statue as a gift. J. No is moved beyond words. Which is a short distance for her, but still. Pullo scoops up his helmet and tells Vorenus he'll wait outside. A fully-armed and -armored Vorenus tries to cheer little Lucius before handing his crying namesake off to his older daughter with kisses on the cheeks. He kisses Niobe goodbye as passionately as he dares, given the fact that about fifty people are watching them. He leaves. The youngest daughter gets nothing. Oddly, Vorenus is not exactly singing and dancing over the fact that Mark Antony turned out to have some honor socked away after all. You see? Never happy.

By M. Giant

Another shot of the city calendar, indicating time passing. I'm starting to get the hang of that thing. It's a long shot this time, so a lot of time passes.

Rome TV Show - J.C. Phone Rome - Rome Photos &amp; Videos, Rome Reviews &amp; Rome Recaps | TWoP

Rome TV Show - J.C. Phone Rome - Rome Photos & Videos, Rome Reviews & Rome Recaps | TWoP