Funked Up

S03E11

And THEN Bret, who just tried to convince us that he is as sick of hearing about Taya as we are, actually asks the other girls what's up with Taya. Argh. He says that sometimes she seems too good to be true. Mindy thinks that she's the sort of calculating bitch who makes her own novelty t-shirts. Okay, point. And then Jamie just deadpans, "I think she's crazy. I think she's mental. I think she hasn't told the truth this whole time. She's definitely not 29. She's totally still a stripper." Awesome. Mindy says something about how when you think you're perfect, perfection is actually your flaw, but I am too riveted by the alternate conversation that her cleavage is having with itself to really pay attention. Bret says that Mindy and Jamie, in talking about what a whack job Taya is, are starting to make a lot of sense.

Back at the penthouse, Taya steps on the roof deck and calls to the others to come enjoy the weather. Meanwhile, Jamie tries to enlist Mindy in a plot to take Taya down. Mindy doesn't need a whole lot of convincing. She thinks Taya is fake and anti-fun. Jamie outlines a strategy that involves getting drunk and really aggressive like Beverly. I'd maybe stop short of going quite that far, but the plan to antagonize Taya further into madness is one that I advocate for. It doesn't take much time before the bitchery begins. Mindy yells that Taya has manipulated the situation to make herself look strong and Mindy look week. Taya wants Mindy to take some responsibility for herself. And then Mindy says that Taya's been in a position of making people feel special all her life, i.e. she's a stripper. All Taya can say is, "Wow." Jamie asks Taya directly if she's still a stripper. Taya "feature dances," which is totally stripping no matter what she says. Jamie interviews that Taya's "prim and proper" routine only goes so far when her labia are threatening to swallow you from the shores of page 36.

The ladies all get ready to go out on a date with Bret. He promises it will be even awesomeomer [sic] than the swamp boat gator date. There is a lovely dinner all set up with big Alice in Wonderland chairs. The food is served, and Bret tries to make small talk. About salmon. About the day. About butter that might go with bread. Nothing sticks. Bret interviews that he's truly gone out of his way to make this an amazing date -- which, I'm so sure he was toiling for months to plan every detail -- and all he got was silence. He even resorts to saying, "I have a big question for everybody... is the vinegar and oil already on the salad, or am I crazy?" Greatest. Date. Ever. Bret asks Taya what she did today. She did her nails. And then, joy of joys, we flash back to Farrah and Kelsey doing the lame dance on the Pink Bus! Ah, best three seconds of the episode! Taya interviews that if she had been on the date today, she'd have tons to talk about. Oh, good Lord. Mindy is feeling pouty because she's at dinner with Bret... and two other girls. Now she's in a funk. And then, joy of joys II! We flash back to Ashley, Farrah and Brittanya calling Mindy lame and cackling about it afterwards. Oh, the best of times! Taya announces to the others that she's depressed because she didn't go on the date today. In fact, she's in a funk. Now, Bret might be able to deal with one funk, but two funks is entirely too much. The date is getting all funked up, and he doesn't like it.