Previously on Skanks on Wheels: Mindy and Jamie took slutty photos of themselves. Bret likey. Taya did suspiciously well in a challenge involving singing, and Mindy wondered if she was promoting more than Penthouse. Taya got all kinds of offended about this, and thus frenemies were born. Jamie's game strategy was to shake her butt, which is pretty astute. And Beverly, in love with the idea of being with a rock star and gauche enough to ask Bret to autograph something, was told her boots were made for walking home.
The final three wake up in Orlando, and Jamie interviews that things are getting serious. She's almost kinda sorta maybe getting ready to fall for Bret. To indicate this, she puts on her shiny copper mating headband. The girls head to the bus and find a Miami postcard. It says, "Mindy, Taya and Jamie. Hit the road once again for your final ride in the Pink Bus. Get ready for some Miami heat, where big decisions will have to be made. Love, Bret." Mindy is also ready to beef up the competition, because she can really see herself as Bret's girlfriend. Taya is ready to show her beef, but in a classy way.
The girls pull up to the Sagamore Hotel in Miami, and bid the Pink Bus adieu. Taya interviews that she didn't really like that bus anyway, because it never smelled right. Heh. As vile as she is, Taya comes out with a good one-liner every now and again. A Sagamore representative leads the girls up to the penthouse suite, which has its own pimped-out roof deck. It seems a hurricane is on its way, and if we're lucky we'll get to see Jamie's skinny meth body fly right off. Bret interviews that he hasn't seen his girls since Orlando and he's jonesing to see them. He's got a party planned and has left something hot and amazing for the three finalists in their room. Turns out they're mardi gras costumes of the excessively skimpy variety. Bret tells us that he loves carnivale, and so has left the girls carnivale outfits, which look very carnivale-ish. Okay, got it. Jamie and Taya love the cheesy, beady, gaudy costumes and think the whole thing is fun. And then there's Maudlin Mindy. She instantly starts complaining in that FREAKING VOICE of hers, and interviews that this doesn't look like anything she'd wear in a million years. Jamie wonders WTF her problem is, and Taya rolls her eyes to the camera man as Mindy prattles on miserably. She thinks that Mindy's attitude is stank, and not what Bret needs. Taya provides technical assistance and expertise for everyone as they put on their costumes, and Mindy takes the opportunity to bitchily interview that coincidentally they look like stripper outfits.
So, there is a drummer and private bar and everything on the roof deck, and Mindy emerges wearing only the top of her carnivale outfit and jeans. She starts bitching about her top, and the drummer tells her to not take it so seriously. And for real, man. You're on Rock of Love: Bus. Think about it. Mindy interviews that nothing irritates her more than being asked to do something that's completely opposite of who she is and that makes her look ridiculous. And again, if you come on this show expecting not to look ridiculous, you either don't have cable or you don't have eyes. She's not going to sit and pretend that everything is fine and dandy, she interviews, when it isn't. And then, we get the greatest montage of Miserable Mindy moments from throughout the season. Wow! When you see it all together like that, you realize that she really is a bitch-trog. Jamie wants her to enjoy the moment and stop freaking out. And, likely, stop torturing everyone else.
Bret comes out to meet the girls and has the intent of chilling out and making some music. He is not wearing a carnivale headdress, but does have a bunch of tiny braids in his wig. He starts strumming and tells Mindy that she'll be first to sing. She continues to be stank and announces that she's going to go change. Bret notices that Jamie and Taya are having the times of their lives, while Mindy is having a fit. Bret no likey, and interviews that she's got to learn to roll with the punches on the road. Mindy complains some more and then storms off. Bret tells her to put a damn bikini bottom on, for God's sake. He tells the other girls that this is not a good thing, because you need to be able to roll and have fun. And, I mean, Mindy is annoying and beaver-like for sure. But if you'll notice, Bret is fully clothed. I'm just saying. Back inside the suite, Mindy yells that she feels like she's trying to prove to someone that she looks naked, which she doesn't need to do. Well, since she's never even been ENGAGED maybe she does. Jamie tells Bret that Mindy just freaks out a lot. Bret announces that she's just gone mad.
Bret is sick of Captain Buzzkill for reals, until she comes back wearing a sailor outfit consisting of hotpants, a bikini top, and a sailor's hat. He asks, "What is going on there, Captain Steubing?" I have to say that I really enjoyed Bret throughout this episode, which sometimes happens and makes me question my worth as a human being. And also that a guest appearance by Charo right now would not be terrible. Bret then has a round of questions for the girls. He turns first to Jamie, who's sitting on his lap, and asks if she went home and Mindy and Taya remained, who she'd want him to be with. Jamie doesn't want to answer, so she tells Bret that she's better for him than either of the others. She interviews that Bret made a good decision in terms of the final three given what he knows about the girls. What he does not know, unfortunately, is that Mindy and Taya are both batshit crazy. Finally, Jamie says that Mindy is the better one for Bret because she has nothing to promote or gain. Cut to an interview with Taya, who says that once again she's being attacked for trying to promote Penthouse. She adds that she's sick of hearing about it and it's stupid. I don't have to tell you that she's wearing her Penthouse tank top all the while, do I?
Taya is then called upon to answer the same question. She says that Bret would make it longer with Mindy simply because she's in the position to pack her bags and jump on a jet or tour bus. Mindy sees this as a backhanded compliment, implying that she has nothing to live for but Bret. And I mean, God Taya. Those logs aren't going to gnaw themselves. Mindy is essential to our ecosystem. Bret then asks Mindy the same question. Mindy says with anger in her voice that Taya can't admit at any time that she's wrong about anything. She chooses Jamie for Bret, because she understands that mistakes happens and there are faults in people, and she's fun. Brain Trust Taya interviews that she's starting to feel that this friendship is a little one-sided. Bret notes that the road can do mysterious things to people, and he's not surprised to see cracks forming between BFFs Taya and Mindy. He is ready to leave for the night, first kissing Jamie and then Taya with his gross tongue.
Mindy heads back inside, and then "realizes" that she doesn't have her sailor hat. And she couldn't let something so cool and classy be blown out to sea. So she heads back to the roof deck where Bret is still sitting. Taya and Jamie look on from a distance, and Taya says to Jamie, "I'm so fucking hurt right now." Mindy, meanwhile, wants to talk to Bret about something. And that something is Taya. To quote Bret, "Oh, good God, do we always gotta talk about Taya?" For reals. Bret is prepared to implement Operation Change the Subject. He first uses the laser beams in his eyes to try to make Mindy shut up by staring at her boobs. When this does not work, he just grabs her and starts making out with her. He interviews, "Shut up. You had me at sailor cap." Mindy straddles Bret and Taya looks on in disgust. Mindy interviews, "Hey, Taya. This is what Bret looks like making out with his girlfriend." No, this is what Bret looks like making out with one more beaver who doesn't know when to lay off the tanning spray.
As Taya gets angrier, Jamie explains to us that Mindy's mad that Taya's mad at her, and Taya's mad that Mindy's mad at her, and it's all really too much for the casual observer to handle. Taya starts crying, and confesses that she's weirded out by the situation. She loves Mindy, but Bret's her guy. Technically neither of those things are true. Taya then whines to Jamie that she just told Bret that Mindy was better for him than Taya. Jamie explains that this is because Mindy is the more harmless of the two, and that if she were in the final two with Mindy she'd win for sure. Taya's lips get all thin and diabolical. She's shocked to know that Jamie's here playing the game. SHOCKED. It all somehow goes to show that Taya is the one for Bret, and the two of them will live happily atop a pole together.
Big John wakes up the girls the morning with a Bret Mail delivery. Jamie and Taya have a limo waiting for them because they're going on a date with Bret. Mindy has to stay back at the hotel, and Bret hopes this doesn't cause an avalanche of mood swings. Well, at least he didn't say, "I hope no one's on the rag." The limo delivers Taya and Jamie to their date -- a helicopter ride with Bret. The day is beautiful, and the date so far is only sullied by Jamie's stupid headband, which never would have made it through a metal detector in real life. The helicopter lands and lunch awaits. But this is no time to enjoy food. It's time for Taya to tell Bret that Jamie is here playing the game. And she does, repeating what Jamie told her the night before about Mindy not being a threat. Jamie wants to take Taya down so badly, because she sucks. She also claims not to remember saying that. She does, however, redouble her conviction that Taya is far worse for Bret than Mindy, and says this aloud at the lunch. Wow, that Bret is one lucky guy, eh? Taya prattles on about how she puts Bret first, which is frankly pretty pathetic. Jamie thinks she's a big fake, and just says what Bret wants to hear. Bret kind of likes that Taya is so deferential to him, but also wonders if it's real or fake. Taya claims that she's just really good at rolling with it. She interviews that she's saying what she really feels, and if Bret can't believe her she might be going home. There is more talking about rolling and not rolling and who could roll with it best, and I'm dying for Farrah to pop up at the bottom of the screen and scream, "Laaaaaaame!"
The day there is more Bret Mail, this time announcing that Mindy and Jamie are going on a double date. The mail says that where they're going the wind will blow through their hair and danger could be a friend. Danger is a friend to us if either of them gets impaled. Jamie is psyched that she gets to go on two double dates. She thinks that Bret is feeling her, which feels really good. It doesn't feel so good to Taya, though, who actually DOES channel Farrah and Ashley to call Mindy and Jamie lame. She has none of Farrah and Ashley's panache, but I appreciate the sentiment.
Bret greets Jamie and Mindy, who are wearing their finest cut-off denim. Bret explains that he wanted Jamie to come on the date because he still needs to get to know her, and also because if Mindy gets in one of her funks, he's got someone else to talk to. Today the girls have one of the most romantic dates of all time waiting for them -- swamp boat gator date! Bret says, "And you wonder why I'm single." No, actually, we don't. Bret makes out first with Jamie and then with Mindy. In the gator boat! That poor driver. That poor gator. When you live in a swamp you think you've seen it all, and then: this. Banjo music plays as the boat pulls to shore where a picnic is waiting. Bret pours some champagne and tries to stir up some conversation. He asks Mindy what kinds of things she likes to do on dates. She likes to go on swamp boat gator dates. It reminds her of the beaver pond, I guess. Bret says that when he's with Mindy and she's in a great mood, it just feels right. Right in an itchy sort of way.
Jamie jokes that she'd rather be on a private jet. She interviews that she's feeling Bret, but is wondering if he's really looking for something serious. She asks him if he wants to jump right into a serious thing or take it more slowly. Bret evades the question by asking her what she's looking for. Jamie is looking to date rather than jump into, say, marriage. She tells Bret that they still need to get to know each other better. Bret loves that Jamie is unafraid to say what she wants.
And THEN Bret, who just tried to convince us that he is as sick of hearing about Taya as we are, actually asks the other girls what's up with Taya. Argh. He says that sometimes she seems too good to be true. Mindy thinks that she's the sort of calculating bitch who makes her own novelty t-shirts. Okay, point. And then Jamie just deadpans, "I think she's crazy. I think she's mental. I think she hasn't told the truth this whole time. She's definitely not 29. She's totally still a stripper." Awesome. Mindy says something about how when you think you're perfect, perfection is actually your flaw, but I am too riveted by the alternate conversation that her cleavage is having with itself to really pay attention. Bret says that Mindy and Jamie, in talking about what a whack job Taya is, are starting to make a lot of sense.
Back at the penthouse, Taya steps on the roof deck and calls to the others to come enjoy the weather. Meanwhile, Jamie tries to enlist Mindy in a plot to take Taya down. Mindy doesn't need a whole lot of convincing. She thinks Taya is fake and anti-fun. Jamie outlines a strategy that involves getting drunk and really aggressive like Beverly. I'd maybe stop short of going quite that far, but the plan to antagonize Taya further into madness is one that I advocate for. It doesn't take much time before the bitchery begins. Mindy yells that Taya has manipulated the situation to make herself look strong and Mindy look week. Taya wants Mindy to take some responsibility for herself. And then Mindy says that Taya's been in a position of making people feel special all her life, i.e. she's a stripper. All Taya can say is, "Wow." Jamie asks Taya directly if she's still a stripper. Taya "feature dances," which is totally stripping no matter what she says. Jamie interviews that Taya's "prim and proper" routine only goes so far when her labia are threatening to swallow you from the shores of page 36.
The ladies all get ready to go out on a date with Bret. He promises it will be even awesomeomer [sic] than the swamp boat gator date. There is a lovely dinner all set up with big Alice in Wonderland chairs. The food is served, and Bret tries to make small talk. About salmon. About the day. About butter that might go with bread. Nothing sticks. Bret interviews that he's truly gone out of his way to make this an amazing date -- which, I'm so sure he was toiling for months to plan every detail -- and all he got was silence. He even resorts to saying, "I have a big question for everybody... is the vinegar and oil already on the salad, or am I crazy?" Greatest. Date. Ever. Bret asks Taya what she did today. She did her nails. And then, joy of joys, we flash back to Farrah and Kelsey doing the lame dance on the Pink Bus! Ah, best three seconds of the episode! Taya interviews that if she had been on the date today, she'd have tons to talk about. Oh, good Lord. Mindy is feeling pouty because she's at dinner with Bret... and two other girls. Now she's in a funk. And then, joy of joys II! We flash back to Ashley, Farrah and Brittanya calling Mindy lame and cackling about it afterwards. Oh, the best of times! Taya announces to the others that she's depressed because she didn't go on the date today. In fact, she's in a funk. Now, Bret might be able to deal with one funk, but two funks is entirely too much. The date is getting all funked up, and he doesn't like it.
Bret hurries the girls along with their dinner and takes them outside for some drinks. If he doesn't loosen them up, he says, he's going to strangle somebody. Strangle Taya! And Mindy too! Bret tells the girls that dinner was like a date with his in-laws. If he goes through another dinner like this, he says, he'll send all three of them home. DO IT. I actually think that the most fitting end to the Rock of Love trilogy would be for Bret to pull a Kelly Taylor and announce, "I choose me," to a duo of heartbroken skanks. Bret is brutally honest, and tells the girls that he doesn't do well with funks. He'd rather someone say passionately what's wrong than just go cold. He wants to walk away attempting to have a relationship with one of these three, and quite frankly he wants the experience to be funkless. He turns to Mindy and asks her what's up. Mindy says that this has been the best day and she's in awe. The others basically think that she's been lobotomized, which is quite possibly accurate. Taya tries to interject something about her own feelings, but Bret tells her to stifle for a minute and let Mindy finish. Mindy goes on some more about how fantastic the day was, and says she's not in a funk at all. Taya finds this awfully suspicious, and soon will hire The Bloodhound Gang to help her solve The Case of the Missing Funk.
Bret then asks Jamie what's up, and she too says she's fine. Bret interviews that he's just been through the most excruciating dinner he's ever had, and everyone else is having the time of their lives. Jamie then says that she's just waiting for Taya and Mindy to go at each other. They're sucking the life out of her, and ruining Bret's night, too. Seriously: worst threesome ever. Bret then addresses Taya, asking if her being on the show works into some sort of business plan. Taya tells Bret that her bosses aren't happy that she's here, and that in fact she has had to put the Pet of the Year shoot on hold. She's not on the show because of her job, she protests, because her job is telling her to come home. Given this economy, I'd listen to the job.
Bret says goodnight to Taya and Mindy and takes Jamie to hang out for a bit. He hasn't spent as much time with her as the other girls, so wants to give her her due, and also get a beej. This, of course, conveniently leaves Taya and Mindy alone to rip each other's throats out. But let's go back to Bret and Jamie. She's been awesome all day, says Bret, even with the Sisters Grim trying to bring her down. However, he needs to talk to her about something she said during their date. Basically, he has questions about how serious Jamie wants to be in a relationship. Jamie doesn't want to get married. She does want Bret to pick her, but wants to, you know, get to know him a little better. Bret thinks that Jamie is cool, but he's looking for more than a casual hook up. Yes, this is news to me too.
Ugh, and now the throat-ripping has really commenced on the roof deck. Taya cries because she's feeling so misunderstood. Mindy goes over and puts her arm around Taya, and talks some stupid self-help junk about insecurities, and Taya talks some junk about not having the insecurities that Mindy thinks she has, and oh my God laaaaaaaaaaaaaame! Jamie walks into the bickering and then goes and sits on the couch, resigned to her fate of being the third wheel on the lame bus. And then, the greatest thing happens. Bret tells us that he was sitting in his room when it dawned on him that there were three hot girls down the hallway from him. He says, "Guitar? Let's go party." Bret walks onto the roof deck, trusty guitar in hand, ready to seduce with another "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" sing-a-long. He then sees Taya screaming at Mindy that she's 29 going on 129 and says, "On second thought, maybe I'll just go catch some sleep." Awesome. There is more screaming between Taya and Mindy, and Mindy's boobs squash upwards in frustration.
Finally, it's time for elimination. I say just axe all three and go straight to the reunion show. I've been hankering for a glimpse of DJ Lady Tribe. Taya looks insane and has made a really poor fabric choice, though I guess you could argue that the wrinkles on her white satin mirror the wrinkles in her friendship with Mindy, and the wrinkles on her actually 46 year-old face. Anyway, Bret is concerned that Jamie may not be looking for a serious relationship. He is also concerned that Taya might be there not only for love, but also for business. And he's concerned that Mindy has the funk. Nonetheless, Mindy is first to get a pass. Bret asks if she feels that she's there for the right reason and is open enough to want to find love. Mindy says that she's there for real. She'll gnaw on Bret's log...with love. And then, it's time for what Bret says is the hardest decision he's ever had to make. Mindy notes that Taya stares at the floor the entire time, most likely trying to drum up some sad emotions by thinking of a dead pet so she can cry on cue when Bret calls her. But then Bret calls Jamie. Devastation for Taya! Or not. Because Jamie's eliminated. Bret is truly looking for a serious relationship at this point in his life, and there's no way he can let Taya go while knowing that Jamie just wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. That's totally not at all what Jamie was saying, but the girl should count her blessings that her tour is ending here. Jaime exit interviews that she came there for love, and got dumped on TV by a guy with a braided wig. She hopes that Bret will hook her up with some Poison tickets at the very least.
Bret then calls Taya to him. He says that both she and Mindy are here for the right reason. Taya tearfully agrees to stay on the tour and continue to rock Bret's world. And then they make out, and this episode I have seen way more of Bret's tongue than should be legal.
week: season finale! Dominican Republic! Dancing lessons! Adventure! And a RING!
Discuss this episode in the Rock of Love forum, and walk down skank memory lane with our list of this season's trashiest moments!