Well, folks, this is it. The EPIC FINALE of Rock of Love: Bus. Let's review where we've been, shall we? That's the way to pinpoint when the burning sensation started, and who was in close proximity at the time. It all began with a bus and a bandana and a gaggle of skanks. Early on Bret took a shine to Penthouse Pet Taya. Taya was a good friend of Mindy, also known as the Eeyore of whores. Ee-whore. But she showed grit and determination and played a mean Mudbowl. Bret felt connected with her, especially when she wore her leopard and mesh lingerie. Meanwhile, even Mindy got sick of Taya and her Penthouse-promoting ways. Taya claimed to be promoting nothing but her accomplishments. Taya has accomplished photogenic labia. Mindy claimed that she always loses in the game of love. If she had studied up on her Cher, she would have known from the outset that the way of love is a way of woe and not put any effort into this farce. In a shocking turn, Taya and Mindy's friendship was annihilated along the road to the finals. Now they must battle it out for the faux-love of an aging rockstar and his wig.
It is a lovely day in wherever the girls are. Mindy and Taya apply their makeup, and Mindy complains how Taya always has long and pretty hair, while in her 30-odd years of existence on earth Mindy hasn't figured out how to manage hers. It's a sad and boring tale, and thus completely representative of Mindy herself. Mindy interviews that it looks like Taya is the perfect Bret Michaels girlfriend. She's born and bred to date a rock star, while Mindy is just boring old Mindy. Well, when she puts it that way it really doesn't make it seem like much of a competition. Bret greets the girls with scraggly mini-dreads and seats them at a breakfast that's been set up. He tells us that he has the Penthouse Pet versus the girl door. He's going to have to dig a whole lot deeper to find out if there's something that's real. On Taya, he has a 30% chance of finding what he seeks.
Bret asks Mindy why choosing Taya would be the wrong thing to do. Mindy says that she -- meaning Mindy herself -- keeps getting better physically and emotionally, then chomps her teeth like a beaver. Bret asks Taya what about her would have made this work better. What does that even mean? Taya, who understands Bret's secret nimrodian language, says that she doesn't pretend to be perfect, adding that when Mindy gets ready she puts on four or five different outfits while Taya just throws on the first stripper gown she sees and is ready to go. Bret notes that technically Mindy is low-maintenance woman and Taya is a high-maintenance woman. However, spending ten minutes on your makeup doesn't compensate for the ten hours you spend having mood swings. Bret requests that if Taya and Mindy have a catfight that it involves smearing butter on each others' breasts. This is the prize they're fighting for, ladies and gentlemen! Taya reminds us that she and Mindy are now frenemies, neither one of whom seem all that opposed to the recreational use of cream cheese and maple syrup.
Bret tells Mindy and Taya that they're going to board a private jet and go to the Dominican Republic to have the most insanely awesome time. Mindy is psyched to go, even if it sucks that Taya is going to be there too. Taya feels similarly. Once on the jet Bret makes a case for a threesome, which is pretty much obligatory at this point in the competition. Having landed in the Dominican Republic, Bret feels relaxed already, perhaps because he has each hand on the thigh of a different overly tanned lady. The three make their way to Paradisus Resort, where the girls are whisked off to their suite. It's lovely, and makes me want to take a vacation. There is a note waiting for them. It tells Mindy to get ready for an awesome date tonight, and Taya to relax and prepare for her date tomorrow. Mindy finds a pink frilly dress waiting for her. Bret claims to have picked it out, though I'm sure some lackey found it in the clearance section of the Victoria's Secret website. Nobody's ever bought anything for Mindy, or really done anything nice for her at all, so she savors every cheesy ruffle that frames her supple thighs. Meanwhile, Taya is in a jealous funk because she thinks Mindy's a dirty whore who will attempt to win Bret over with her dirty whore-like ways. Mindy, meanwhile, worries that she's going to turn into more of a blubbering idiot than usual around Bret, so she decides to write a few things down so she doesn't forget them when she's with him. There's nothing that says I love you like "I" "Love" "You" written on three successive index cards. With casual professions of hatred between Taya and Mindy, we head to commercials.
Bret waits for Mindy, eagerly anticipating their super hot date. A part of him just wants to relax and get laid, but another part of him wants to see if Mindy can truly open up emotionally. Bret likey Mindy in her dress, and leads her off to part one of their date. Mindy doesn't know what's going to happen, but figures that since it's Bret it'll likely be out of a storybook. A storybook called, "What You Need to Know About Genital Herpes." Bret has dinner set up by the pool, and as they eat Mindy asks him what his concerns with her are. Bret says that Mindy doesn't always verbalize what she's thinking. Believe me, Bret, that's a good thing. Mindy interviews that she has some things written down in her purse, but doesn't know how to segue from being normal to whipping out a note about her feelings that she will read aloud to him in the manner of a dumb-ass. Bret asks Mindy what she's thinking about. Mindy says, "It was just um... it was... I um." Awesome. Bret tells her to spit it out. Mindy says, "I um... you know... it's just, um." Bret regrets mocking Brittanya's communication skills. No regrets, Bret. No regrets.
At the end of dinner, Bret feels distant from Mindy. The fact that she can't open up is a sticking point with him, but, being Bret Michaels, he has a plan that will bring them closer together. And that plan is...dancing! Please don't tell me this is Bret's bid to be on the season of Dancing With the Stars. Actually, please DO tell me that, because it's kind of awesome. Mindy can't believe that, in the time it took to ride from dinner to the dance studio, Bret has made her fantasy of learning how to dance come true. The dance instructor is not so fluent in English, but Bret understands when he speaks of the universal language of love. Bret hopes that the physical closeness of dancing will encourage emotional closeness. Bret does Western Pennsylvania moderately proud as he tangos in his cowboy hat, giving himself a boo-ya to boot. At the end of their dance he kisses her, then whisks her away to the beach. The moonlight is out, the tropical breeze is blowing ever so perfectly, and Bret's telling tales of strumming his guitar on the beach. Mindy wonders if she's just stepped into the perfect romance novel. The perfect romance novel involves a swarthy pirate, so no.
Finally, Mindy whips out her Cliff Notes and tells Bret that there are some things she needs him to know before this is all finished. And seriously, she has, like, 20 small notebook pages of stuff written. She tells Bret that every time he walks away she wants and needs more time with him. Bret loves it, and also loves sloppily making out with her. As they walk back to the hotel, Bret tells Mindy that he's testing the waters a little bit. She replies, "You've tested a lot of my waters." I've gotten through this entire season without barfing once, but these two might break me. They head into Bret's room to be gross some more.
Meanwhile, Taya decides that she's going to have some romantic alone time with herself. Reow! Bust out the Magic Wand! She fills the Jacuzzi tub, and then things start going awry. First she almost slips and cracks her head on the tub, then the jets start spraying everywhere. Err, foreshadowing?
The morning, Mindy takes the long walk of shame down the hall to the room she shares with Taya. Mindy's feeling really happy, and also wants to fuck with Taya's head. She knows Taya will concentrate on the negative and turn crazy. Crazier. Mindy tells Taya that she has all kinds of adjectives she could use for her date with Bret. I have a few: abominable, awful, beastly, cloying, creepy, detestable, disgusting, distasteful, foul, frightful, ghastly, grody, gross, gruesome, hateful, hideous, horrid, horrific, icky, loathsome, lousy, macabre, monstrous, nasty, nauseating, noisome, objectionable, obnoxious, odious, offensive, outrageous, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rotten, scuzzy, shameless, sickening, sleazeball, sleazy, stinking, vile, vulgar, yecchy, yucky. Mindy adds that she loved every minute of it. Taya interviews that she's lost 99.9% of the respect she had for Mindy. I don't know. Sometimes if a drum is there, it's easiest just to bang it.
Meanwhile, Taya gets her Bret Mail. She's still in a funk about Mindy's date. Mindy interviews, "I don't want to seem arrogant, like, oh I'm better, why would you even want that piece of garbage? But it's really what I think." And Bret claims that Mindy doesn't verbalize what she's thinking! Bret meets Taya and is astounded at her hotness. The two of them head off on an adventure, which entails traveling on a rocky road to the middle of nowhere. Taya says that she's concerned because she's not dressed appropriately. Can you think of one moment when Taya WAS dressed appropriately? Turns out Bret and Taya are going on a zipline adventure through the Dominican jungle. Bret assures us that flying seven stories over impending doom in nothing more than a harness is hot. As he gets strapped into his harness, Bret says that his package has been severed. If it survived Daisy, I'm sure it's indestructible. This is Taya and Bret's first time ziplining, and Taya is scared. She's freaking out, but Bret tells her that it's going to be awesome. He interviews that there can't be much better than seeing a hot babe ride a long cable at high speed. That's gross, but not as gross as seeing Bret kiss Taya before she takes off. The FCC should issue a penalty for Bret Michaels tongue exposure.
In any case, Taya loves ziplining, Bret loves ziplining, Taya thinks Bret's hot, Bret thinks Taya's hot. Taya feels like she just stepped out of a movie -- Tarzan and Jane to be exact. A slow-motion shot of the two of them making out does highlight some simian qualities. Ugh! The tongue! The tongue! The date continues as Bret and Taya head to dinner. Bret's having a great time, but also has a few things he'd like to sort out. He tells Taya that the two of them have a lot of fun together, and there are a lot of things about her that he likes. But he has some questions that he's been putting on hold. 99% of Bret is totally digging Taya, but 1% of him is holding back because he wonders if she's using the show solely as a promotional tool. We are reminded that Taya is a Penthouse Pet, and also Pet of the Year, and also a stripper-basher who happens to be a "feature dancer," and also a surprisingly good vocalist. It's like one big long advertisement, Bret says. We get a montage of Taya saying, "Penthouse," and Bret wonders what's -- Taya wearing a shirt with Penthouse across her breasts? In fact, yes. Taya says that sure she could be full of shit, but she could also NOT be full of shit and wouldn't Bret be sad if that happened to be the case? Taya interviews that just because she seems too good to be true, it doesn't mean that she actually is too good to be true. Bret suggests that the two of them get dinner to go and head to his room to talk. Taya tells us that the conversation has gotten very serious, and it's eliciting feelings akin to pregnancy plus menopause plus the worst PMS ever all combined into one. I know I'm really turned on right now. How about you?
Bret admits that the conversation at dinner maybe got a little too serious, and says that he wanted to take Taya back to his room for some "quality time." Oh, please don't make me try and find more adjectives. Taya interviews that she wasn't expecting to fall for Bret, but she has. She wants Bret to love her for her. Bret tells Taya that in the future if they ever have arguments, she just has to dress sexy and she'll win. She asks if they're going to have makeup sex now. You can fill in the answer to that one yourself. They make out sloppily and Taya tells us that Bret's the kind of guy who knows how to crawl into your heart and stick in there. Yeah.
But wait! Taya interviews that they got to a point in the evening when she didn't feel right about staying. She totally didn't bang him! Quelle surprise. I bet she touched his backstage pass, though. Taya hopes that this didn't ruin everything. Bret interviews that there's no truth to the idea that if a woman doesn't get intimate with a man that she earns his respect. As a matter of fact, he says, he happens to respect every woman he ever fooled around with. Angelique, even? The point of all this is that Taya didn't spend the night, which has nothing to do with the fact that now Bret can't stop thinking about her. Taya heads back to the room, and Mindy is not surprised. She says that Taya's trying to prove that she's a goody two-shoes who just happens to show her puss for a living. Mindy's not buying it.
The morning Mindy is in a great mood. She doesn't know how well Bret and Taya's date went, but assumes it wasn't as good as her date with Bret since she got to the boffing stage and Taya didn't. They get Bret Mail telling them that they get a day of pampering at the spa. Taya is glad, because she needs a positive place to go in her mind. Well, I'm sure there's room in there. Mindy gets her mustache waxed, because sometimes love hurts.
Taya is then shuffled off to get fitted for engagement rings. Oh, come on now. What kind of Bachelor shit fuckery is this? We relive the highlights of Bret's relationship with Taya, starting from the moment she dropped trou for her backstage pass photo. She tells us that she's the perfect person for Bret. Mindy then gets fitted for her ring. We relive the highlights of Bret's relationship with Mindy, which possibly involved devirginization in some form or other. Mindy is surprised she's made it as far as she has, but feels the magic with Bret.
Taya puts on her finest stripper dress for the very last elimination. She also busts out the fake eyelashes. Mindy adorns herself in bronze wrapping paper. Taya is nervous, but Mindy is feeling good going into elimination. She says that Bret already feels like her boyfriend, and she can't imagine him with anyone else. Funny, since she's spent the last 12 weeks seeing him with 20-odd anyone elses. Bret tells us that he's not commitment-phobic like everyone thinks, but you can't blame him if he runs out of there screaming. He wonders if that will violate his contract. It's just one more way Bret will have violated us, really. Mindy and Taya stand before Bret, who assures them that he's put a lot of thought into this. He thanks them for taking this long, difficult, extremely strange trip. They've both handled it with dignity and class, which makes his decision hard. He says that this is the last time he's going to do this, which is at once a relief and a sadness to me. It's been a good ride, Bret. He wants to walk away with someone who's right for him. Mindy tells us that she feels like she's meant to be his, even though that sounds cheesy.
Bret pulls the ring out of his pocket and says that he hopes that his search is over. Maybe the blind guy on American Idol was singing right to Bret last week, for inspiration? Bret tells Mindy that she began the tour as a shy innocent who was looking for adventure. Some of the other girls thought they could walk all over Mindy, but she able handled having salsa poured in her luggage. She and Bret went to Texas together, and that's when a connection was forged. Taya interviews that if Bret picks Mindy it won't last and he'll regret his decision down the line. The downside about Mindy, of course, is that she tends to get in mad funks, which could possibly be relationship-ending funks. Mindy interviews, "When you are certain about something and sure that your heart is safe there are no funks because it's a sense of calm that comes over you and you don't have funks anymore because you feel safe." What is she, Rain Man all of a sudden? Taya, says Bret, is a whole different story. She caught his attention immediately with her hot body, but a hot body isn't enough. For a while it is. Mindy tells us that if Bret goes home with Taya it will be a mistake, because once he spends some time with her he'll realize how annoying she actually is. What Bret doesn't appreciate about Taya is that she didn't come forward with the truth, which brought up a really painful memory and experience from his past. The hell? Did Bret have his wig ripped off by a Penthouse Pet who was in reality way older than 29? Or does this have to do with that chick who inspired "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" AGAIN, like, go to therapy motherfucker. Whatever happened, it might be too big for Bret to overcome. He still has 1% that's not sure about Taya.
Bret calls Mindy to him. Mindy interviews that she's so excited, like she's in a dream. Bret tells Mindy that, as they drove through the gator swamp together, they had absolute love and closeness. As Bret hugs Mindy, Taya looks on unable to hear anything because of the crazy wind. Maybe someone will get struck by lightning right now. Bret tells Mindy that he loves everything about her, but the ring is not for her. He hopes that the two of them will remain close. Bret hugs Mindy and thanks her for being there. He tells her that he hopes she finds everything she wants. Mindy then interviews, "Spare me. What I needed was to find somebody that was going to keep my heart in a safe place, and instead I got somebody that ran over it with a tour bus every single day. I just kept thinking, spare me the small talk. I don't think he's who I thought he was. He's a standard jerk in a rock star uniform, and you can find an asshole like that anywhere." Truer words. If I was her speechwriter, though, I'd have edited it to, "He's a standard jerk in a bad wig." Sorry, Mindy, that your prophesy about always losing in the game of love came true.
Meanwhile, Taya sees Mindy walking away and it hits her: she is Bret's Rock of Love...III. She says that she almost had to subconsciously smack herself in the face. I know a few people who would volunteer to do that consciously. Bret tells Taya that, at some point earlier, he wasn't sure that either she or Mindy was his rock of love. But then it dawned on him that Taya was the best of both worlds. She's a small-town girl that's hot, a beautiful mom, a rocking hot centerfold. Bret still has the 99%/1% split. So he's going to hang on to the ring for now. Shocker. If they stand the test of time, he'll give the ring to her at a later date. Taya's cool with this, because she doesn't want to get involved in any kind of Darva Conger shit. Taya interviews that she might not have been the safe choice, but she was the right choice. Sadly, that's probably true. Taya's once upon a time starts now. Bret tells us that he just spent 12 weeks on the road dating 23 girls, all to end up with a Penthouse Pet. "Now who saw that one coming?," he asks. With that we're out and can only hope that someone gets a punch in the throat at the reunion show so we can go out on a high note.
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