By Potes
Before beginning the recap proper, I must say thanks to Sara M. for filling in last week on what was perhaps the most glorious -- and gloriously sad -- episode of the season. I will be changing my recapper name to "Royal T" presently. I must also bid a fond farewell to my 1999 Ford Contour, appropriately named "Darva Contour," and thank her for her years of service in carting my rock n' roll ass around. RIP, friend. And here's hoping that, like Bret, some lucky skank out there will get to use some of your parts.
Previously: Mindy and Taya loved each other enough to have naked hot tub times together. Bret appreciated how Jamie never gets mixed up in the drama and made out with her on the beach while wearing a cowboy hat featuring both a picture of the American flag and text. Mindy quite possibly needs a lot of attention, according to special guests Heather and Ambre. Beverly had issues but Bret kept her anyway. And, even though we don't see it in this "previously on," a great crime against humanity was perpetrated when Ashley was eliminated. Sure, she really wanted to get back to her muscle-laden babydaddy, but Bret still could have done me a solid and kept her around just because she's awesome. As Mindy would probably say, it hurts my heart.It is morning. Skanks arise. But not the skanks we love. This is because Brittanya and Ashley are gone, and we have an all brunette final four. Beverly says that the Blondetourage had been calling her out for not being sexy and slutty enough, but apparently Bret likes her how she is because she's still there. He does like himself a drunken mess. And if it doesn't work out romantically, perhaps she can take over security duties when Big John retires. The ladies spackle on their makeup for the day. Taya prattles on and on. And on and on. And on and on as she straps on her stripper shoes. Jamie tells us that she's sick of Taya, who talks incessantly about stupid shit. Beverly concurs and would like Taya to shut up for once in her life. The case for one person being more annoying than the others is hard to make when everyone in the group is wearing matching tank tops. The hell?
The girls head to the bus where they find Bret Mail: "My Fabulous Four -- Get ready for more Florida fun, I'm taking you girls to the Hard Rock Hotel Universal Orlando. I'm so excited to show you around. I can't wait to make some sweet music together. Love, Bret." Taya doesn't know what the "sweet music" portion of the Bret Mail means, but tells us that she'll make "sweet anything he wants." He'll take an order of the sweet potato fries, with a side of sweet tea, if you're offering. The girls arrive in Orlando, as evidenced by Shamu the whale appearing suddenly on the map. Mindy extols the virtues of Universal Orlando, and we prepare to hear "Hard Rock Hotel Universal Orlando" mentioned constantly. The girls are ushered up to their suite. There is booze, and sparkly crap. That's sort of the best synopsis of this show that you could write, isn't it?