Potes was so upset about Farrah being kicked out last week that she refused to do the weecap this week, so you've got me instead. Hope I can hang! While Bret makes out with Taya, the rest of the girls wait to see who got kicked out. Ashley, of course, is really hoping Taya is gone. There's footsteps in the hall, but since they sound like "stripper shoes," it's even money on who's wearing them. Then Taya walks in, and is greeted with a bunch of bleeps from a very disappointed Ashley. Observant Mindy notes that Taya's lipstick is all messed up, so she must have been kissing Bret. Ashley is wiping tears away. "I see Taya and I want to die," she says; "I just don't even know what I'm gonna do with myself." How about do yourself? You'll have to, now that Farrah's gone.
The morning, someone decided it was a good idea to let Brittanya read Bret's letter, addressed to the "smokin' hot six." I'm just guessing that it was spelled "smokin'." It's time to head to the oldest city in the United States -- St. Augustine, Florida. This show is really educational. Like a really, really, really, really slutty version of Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego?. Instead of stealing the entire Washington Monument, one of the girls hides it up her roomy junk. Brittanya has no idea what any of this means, but will take the letter's word for it. There, they'll do some "looking back" to "where we came from." Trips down memory lane are always fun except in the case of this show, where they are nothing short of terrifying. Taya says they're guessing they'll be meeting up with their parents or ex-boyfriends. I sort of like to imagine that women who strip and pose naked don't have parents to be shocked and horrified.
The pink bus drives all the way to another city in Florida, and they get a hotel where people hold the door open for them and everything. Jamie interviews that she really liked St. Augustine and wanted the chance to go around exploring and possibly antiquing, but there was something "big" already planned for them. The girls congregate in a hotel room, and Beverly says she doesn't care if the person from her past is her worst enemy as long as she gets to see someone she knows. And since most of the people in Beverly's past are her worst enemies, that's a pretty safe bet. Meanwhile, Taya notes that one of the hotel pillows matches the purple streak in Beverly's hair, and suggests that Beverly carry the pillow around with her at all times. Cut to Ashley, who looks up from her burrito and bag of chips to say: "this is the most boring conversation I've ever had." Okay, Ashley rules. Then she says she'd rather sit in the room in silence than talk about pillows. And so they do.
That night, the girls meet Bret, who says it's time to rip open his womens' closet doors and "let the bones fall out. And see which one of these skeletons has a pulse." I guess you don't really need to know much about medicine or how bodies work in order to be a washed-up rock star. Meanwhile, Jamie is wearing a really stupid headband. Anyway, Bret namedrops the hotel and says they're there for one simple reason: "for you to help me help you to get to know me." That's not simple at all, and if I'm confused, then you know Brittanya and her stupid cheek earrings are totally out of it. "Uh ... I don't know. What?" she says. Things become slightly more clear when Big John brings out the "winner" of last season, Ambre. Taya interviews that she loves Ambre and hopes she won't mind them fighting over her former man. Ambre interviews that she and Bret dated for ten months and now she's here as his friend to help him find the girl best suited to him and his lifestyle. Until Season 4. Oh, and here comes Heather from Season 1 and part of Season 2. She's cool because when Bret goes to kiss her, she turns her head so he only gets cheek. That's right, Season 3 ladies! Perhaps by the time Season 5 rolls around, you, too, will have self-esteem. Brittanya interviews that she has problems with Heather because she seemed like a "hater" in Season 1. Brittanya doesn't like it when "big people" mess with "little people," and we flash back to the Heather vs. Daisy fight at last season's reunion show. Apparently it's still cool with Brittanya to throw shaving cream on little people, though, since that's what she did to Taya and Mindy just last week. Beverly is thrilled to see someone angrier than her around. Bret says Heather and Ambre are here to get the truth about the ladies that he can't get because he's too busy keeping them from talking by shoving his tongue down their throats.
Taya interviews that they all figured that Bret's exes were the only surprise, but no. Bret has everyone else's exes too! Beverly responds with a bleep. And here come the ex-boyfriends! They look just as trashy as the women they dated. Like everything else on this show, it's like a living, breathing "Faces of Meth" poster. Bret interviews that ex-boyfriends are like sex tapes -- you never know when they'll surface or how much they'll expose. Well, if it's a sex tape, I'm pretty sure you can assume it'll expose a whole lot. Now let's meet the exes. Mindy's ex is Chris, who is the least creepy-seeming guy there. Mindy interviews that she and Chris had a "very negative" relationship, so his presence here is "controversial." Please don't use words if you don't know what they mean, Mindy. Taya's ex is named Jazz. Or Chazz? Either way, it's lame. Taya interviews that she's friends with JazzChazz, so she's not worried about what he'll say. And here's James, Ashley's ex. He looks like he just stepped off the cover of a Grand Theft Auto game. Ashley begs to differ, saying that she hadn't seen James in a while and he looked good. That looks good? Yikes. Brittanya's ex is named Wilty, I think? That's an unfortunate nickname for a guy. He gets generic hip-hop music and Brittanya wonders where the hell this show found him because he was more of a booty call than an ex-boyfriend. Jamie's ex is named Hamboosy. Who are these people? Jamie's just relieved that her ex-husband couldn't make the trip. Jamie's ex-husband is relieved that he's Jamie's EX-husband. And that's everyone, which means Beverly's ex is not here. It took Beverly a ridiculously long time to figure that out, as she counted how many men were standing up there, figured out one was missing, and then realized that she didn't recognize any of the men there so it must have been her ex who was not present. I have a feeling that she knows that the fact that she doesn't recognize any of the guys there doesn't necessary mean that she never slept with them. Bret says that "on a serious note," some guy named Alan refused to come on the show. Beverly is devastated, as well she should be. Alan is clearly a man with a good head on his shoulders and she let him go. Beverly is very upset and thinks she looks like an idiot and that no one cares enough about her to be there. Yes, because nothing says "I care" like showing up on your ex-girlfriend or booty call's basic cable reality show and talking shit about her. Bret takes the girls off to hang out while Ambre and Heather get to talk to the exes. Hopefully they'll be chaperoned. And not leave their drinks unattended.
I don't care about the exes. I barely care about the women they dated. But we have to watch them mingle with Ambre and Heather. Chris gets on Ambre's good side by saying that while he and Mindy watched the first season, they didn't watch the second. Chris says he's happy for Mindy to get the chance to embarrass herself on national TV, and then something about having a mental connection with the person you're dating. Wilty overhears and decides he wants to be on TV too, so he loudly announces that Chris and Mindy are still fucking. Ambre says she can't believe what she's hearing right now. I don't know what she's hearing right now that she can't believe, since most of Wilty's speech is bleeped out. Ambre asks Wilty (who finally gets a name on the bottom of the screen. It's Royal T. That's stupid) if he's saying that he still hooks up with Brittanya. He says yes, and they had sex right before she left to come on this show. Ambre is shocked!
So what are Bret and the girls up to? Drinking a whole lot. And, Bret claims, honesty. Taya says that she's a good person and therefore has nothing to hide. And if she did, she wouldn't have any place left on her body to hide it.
Ambre calls Wilty outside for the details on Brittanya. They have been sleeping together for two years, and she is a fucking freak. Well, yeah. The brass knuckles necklace, multiple tattoos, and cheek piercings kind of tipped me off. Also, she's on this show. Chris is very talkative, and moves onto Heather. He tells her that Mindy is simple and likes simplicity. Heather says Bret isn't simple at all. I'll bet he is, though. The dumb kind of simple, anyway. Chris says he doesn't want to get back with Mindy because "we just weren't for each other." Jazz (spelled "Jaz," which is stupid) claims that he has a "pretty impressive list" of ex-girlfriends. A long list of ex-girlfriends isn't all that impressive, though. But Taya is the only one he can't imagine himself strangling. Ambre looks frightened. Jaz can't read the room, though, and continues that his ex-girlfriends are "devious motherfucking bitches. Self-centered, self-righteous motherfuckers." Ambre appears to be laughing, but she's actually trying to say "HELP ME" in Morse code.
Heather talks to Hamboussi, who claims that Jamie is not his ex at all. They're just friends. Everyone is disappointed and annoyed by this. James calls it "bullshit," while Heather says Hamboussi has ruined the truthful table for everyone. Hamboussi says that he was in a "semi-popular band" and Jamie was their groupie. I really want to know what semi-popular band Hamboussi is in, and if he gets more people at his shows than Bret. You'd think a groupie would be the perfect girl for Bret, but it's not good enough for Heather, who asks what happens when Bret retires. Ambre talks to James. He says he and Ashley aren't dating anymore, but they do still fuck. And he's sure that Ashley will go back to him over Bret. Well, confidence is attractive in a man. Ambre interviews that she thinks James and Ashley are still together. I'd still be with James, too, but only because I'd be too afraid to leave.
Ashley decides to do some damage control and tells Bret that while she and James have a "really good relationship," she's sure he'll say some things about her that she hopes Bret will be able to overlook. Ashley interviews that she will always love James, since he's her son's father and the love of her life. But she hopes he'll keep his mouth shut.
He won't. Now he's telling Heather that he's sure Ashley will want him over Bret now that he's on the scene. He says he guarantees that Ashley hasn't had sex with Bret. Who should I believe, James or Kami? Kami. Meanwhile, Royal T just keeps jumping up and dancing around and commenting on all this controversy. He amuses me, so I call him by his real name.
Bret "decides" to leave the girls in the room by themselves. Of course, that just means that he's watching everything in his secret lair on a monitor. On this show, true love means never having to say you've got cameras hidden in the corner of the room watching your every move. Ashley is worried about what Heather and Ambre will dig up on her, while Beverly in the corner having her own private meltdown. She interviews that her ex "doesn't have enough respect" for her to come on this show. On the contrary, I think that means he has a lot of respect for her. Alan is a prize, you guys. Beverly starts ranting and raving while Bret watches with his concerned face on. Taya interviews that she doesn't know what to think about how upset Beverly is about this. Wisely, she takes the alcohol away from Beverly. Unwisely, she asks Beverly to hold hands with her. Beverly starts yelling and screaming about that, and this is why people don't show up to help her out on reality shows. Meanwhile, awesome Ashley offers assistance the best way she knows how: "would you like a shot of alcohol?" So formal, yet so trashy at the same time. Bret thinks Beverly should be happy that her ex isn't here, and he's confused as to why she's upset.
Big John leads the girls into a waiting area and explains that they're about to be interrogated with their exes. Taya says everyone started to "unravel" when she heard the news. Except for Beverly, because she's already unraveled. She's unraveled like a ball of yarn in a box of kittens. Jamie is sick of hearing Beverly's complaints and says her "real" exes didn't come either. She gets to go in first.
Bret welcomes us to Wassa Goin' On Court, with Judges Ambre and Heather presiding. Two judges? What a stupid court. And they're not even wearing the proper judicial robes. Jamie, drink in hand, enters. She sits to Hamboussi. Bret will watch the action on his monitor. Judge Heather opens up by saying that Hamboussi is "amazing" but she's confused on a few things. Like how they met. Jamie says she really liked Hamboussi's band, but denies going to all of their shows or moving to New York to be closer to them. Jamie says she moved to New York because the Midwest sucks. Hamboussi says Jamie "does a little something" for all members of the band. Jamie is upset at the implication that she's a "really slutty groupie." I am too, but only because "really slutty groupie" is redundant, and I hate it when people waste words. Judge Ambre asks Jamie if she would date Bret if he wasn't in a band. Well, no. None of them would. But let's all pretend they're here for Bret's good looks and awesome personality. Jamie has a hard time answering this, saying "not ... I don't want to say no, but ... " Bret interviews that he needs to make sure that Jamie's "heart and soul" are here for the right reason. To be on TV, right?
Out in the hallway, Ashley is freaking out with a series of bleeps. She says she wants to go. Big John encourages her to give it a chance. She's not buying it, and Big John quickly becomes annoyed and tells her to sit down and shut up. Mindy and Taya start to wonder what Ashley's so afraid will be exposed. Ashley, meanwhile, has decided to face her fear by lying down on the carpet like a child. ["At least it isn't a speed bump." -- Angel] Beverly, of course, can't stand to see someone else having a temper tantrum, and so points out that at least someone cared enough about Ashley to come on this show and ruin her chances to be with Bret. Whoops! Ashley reveals that she still lives with James, and that Beverly is somehow a "dumbass" for not knowing this. And it turns out that the tattoo on Ashley's heart that says James (but I kept thinking said Jesus) is not her son's name, like she told everyone else, but her ex-boyfriend. Ashley decides to become a lesbian. But Farrah's already gone! It's too late!
up is Jaz and Taya. They get the faux People's Court music and under Taya's name it says "accused of having a babbling ex." Babbling? More like battering. Taya talks about herself to the judges. She's 29, a centerfold model, and has a 9-year-old son. She claims to be a "burlesque dancer," which Judge Heather interprets as a stripper. Taya says no, she is a professionally trained dancer and doesn't dance at "the airport strip club." In a flashback, we see her impressive burlesque skills as she hangs upside down on a pole and spins around. I don't think real burlesque shows even have poles. Judge Heather accuses Taya of knocking the girls on the bus who do work at the airport strip club, and Taya denies this, as does Jaz. In fact, he'd like to murder anyone who said that Taya talked shit about strippers. Also, Judge Ambre has "stapled-ass extensions." Ambre's jaw drops in shock, but Judge Heather is bored. She calls Jaz a motherfucker. He's furious. She flips him off with both hands. Heather is awesome! With that, Judge Ambre sends Taya and Jaz the woman-hater out. Taya shrugs helplessly. I'm impressed that she made it out of that relationship with arms and shoulders to shrug with.
Here comes Royal T and Brittanya. Judge Heather asks how they know each other, and Royal T immediately says they're fuck buddies. They both claim it's been a while since they last had sex, but Judge Ambre has a surprisingly good memory for someone who's probably killed most of her brain cells by various means and says Royal T told her something different. Royal T denies this, but Ambre has flashback footage to back her up. "Lies make baby Jesus cry," Bret says. Big John cries. He is baby Jesus. Judge Heather is now furious at Royal T for not keeping things real. Brittanya interviews that Heather is a "stupid hater." Now Brittanya and Heather are calling each other bitches while Ambre looks off to the side, trying to pretend she's somewhere else. Brittanya jumps up and starts yelling, which is Bret's cue to order John out to break up the impending fight. Heather stands, which is apparently just cause for Brittanya to defend herself by throwing a punch. It hits Heather in the hand and makes a lame sound effect. Bret calls Brittanya a "keeper."
Brittanya interviews that Heather does not want to mess with her, because the other girls just talk. Brittanya, on the other hand, fights back. Be it with toiletries or just punches that don't land. Heather interviews that she's impressed with herself for blocking Brittanya's weak-ass punch. She demonstrates her blocking skills. I'm more impressed with her top for showing that much cleavage but not flying open when she actually had to move in it. Ambre gets between the two girls, and Brittanya has to resort to spitting on Heather. Now Heather has hepatitis. Again. John comes in and tells Brittanya and Royal T to leave. "Bye Heather. Go fuck yourself," Royal T says. Meanwhile, Bret tries to imagine writing a letter to his grandmother about how he's dating a girl who spits on people. "Fuck me," he then says. First of all, Bret, you are no Gordon Ramsay, who says fuck me better than anyone. Second of all, your grandmother died of old age like fifty years ago.
Just in case you forgot, Beverly's ex isn't here. She keeps complaining about it while poor John is forced to listen. As are we. She heads into court, and the text says "Beverly. Accused of nothing." Hee. Tragically, Judge Ambre wants to know how Beverly feels about not having her ex show up. Fuuuuuck. What more could she say? Oh, quite a lot! Alan, as it turns out, is actually Beverly's ex- HUSBAND who has custody of their kids. And they were married for nine years, so how old is Beverly? She was 17 when she got pregnant, which Bret says must be the reason for her suppressed anger. Ambre wonders if Beverly is strong enough to date Bret. Beverly doesn't think much of Ambre's assessment, saying that Bret's opinion is the only one that matters. And his opinion is this: "she's got some serious issues, man." Meanwhile, I want to know how John can be both in Bret's room and guarding the hall. He's magic! Bret says he's not sure where he and Beverly can go from here, although maybe he's the "hump" she needs to get over her current situation. I guess a hump is better than Kelsey's speed bump.
And now, Chris and Mindy. Judge Ambre asks why their relationship ended, bringing up that Chris told her he thought Mindy cheated. Mindy doesn't deny cheating on him, but says she wasn't "ready" for a committed relationship when they were together because she was unhappy with herself. She says Chris treated her better than any other boyfriend, but she didn't have love to give because she didn't have any for herself. That's ... shockingly thoughtful. For someone on this show. She says she's ready for a relationship now. With that, Judge Ambre dismisses them while Judge Heather gives them a round of applause.
Last but certainly not least are James and Ashley. Ashley nervously thrusts her chest out. Judge Ambre asks Ashley where their relationship is right now. "He's my BF ... F," Ashley non-answers. She then claims they're just friends and James is a great father to their son. "He's the only person in my life that I can respect as a person," Ashley says. I'm not entirely sure what she's saying, but it's probably really upsetting. Ashley is forced to admit that they still live together, and Bret frowns as much as his botox will allow. He says this reminds him of Daisy and Charles from last season. Bret says it would have been nice if Ashley had something about this to him earlier. "Ya think?" John says. In all fairness to Ashley, she seems to always have something in her mouth when she's around Bret. Like alcohol or his tongue or other parts of his anatomy. Judge Ambre asks if they still sleep together. Ashley immediately says no while James looks coy. When asked, he says they do still sleep together. In fact, "we fuck all the time." Ashley interviews that she is now fucked. In every sense of the word. James says he still loves Ashley. She says she loves him "as the father of my child." Why can't these two crazy kids work something out? The judges ask James if he would be upset if Ashley wound up with Bret. James says he doubts that would happen "because nobody can pull my bitch." He loves to say that. I don't even know what it means, but he's said it 156 times this episode. Bret is all too happy to tell us that Ashley was indeed pulled. James says he'd be "disgusted" if Ashley wound up with Bret. He's here to take Ashley back to their home. Ashley interviews that she's trying to move on from James. That should be easy when they're living together.
Bret arrives in court to talk to the judges. He asks what they think about Jamie. Ambre says she's not sure if Jamie is here for Bret or to satisfy her groupie urges, like a salmon swimming upstream. Bret wonders if Jamie likes him or his "rock stardomny-n-n-ness." He asks about Beverly . Ambre calls her "tough" and "strong," and Bret says she's a case of someone who got married and had kids young, only to explode and take back the youth she missed because she was a wife and mother. Except Beverly's lost youth apparently consists of hating everyone and drinking too much and sulking in the corner of the room. That's the kind of lost youth you'd rather stayed lost. Bret decides that Beverly is "in a second childhood" and not in the best place to have a relationship. Is he a rock star or a psychiatrist???
Bret asks about Ashley. Ambre has the sneaking suspicion that she has something going on with James. Heather agrees. But then she says that Brittanya is "hot," so clearly she's not a good judge of anything. Ambre, on the other hand, can't think of one good thing to say about Brittanya, and she wasn't punched or spit on. Bret agrees that he'd rather his girlfriends not spit at his "friends." He asks about Taya. Ambre calls her "honest" and "poised," which was easy for her to be since crazy Jaz did all the talking while she sat around looking annoyed. Bret wants to know more about Jaz, but all Ambre can say about him is "god bless America." I like that answer. When Bret asks about Mindy, Heather is in love with her. She comes alive and her eyes almost even open as she says Mindy is nice and good-hearted, but she's not sure how she'd fit in with Bret's lifestyle. Bret thinks Mindy is emotionally high maintenance. Nonetheless, she's both Ambre and Heather's favorite. But then Ambre says she hopes Bret picks Mindy, so clearly Ambre must hate Mindy. With that, the interrogations are over. Bret says Ambre and Heather are truly his friends for doing this, so I'm sure they'll hang out and shoot darts sometime soon. But now he has all kinds of thoughts in his head and he's "extremely confused." Bret is always confused, though.
Bret decides that he needs some one-on-one time with Ashley, who shows up clad in the hotel bathrobe. She's not thrilled with this talk, since Farrah got a one-on-one talk, too. Then she went home. Ashley says she feels stupid for not telling Bret about James living with her, and says that she was happy with their arrangement before she came out here but now that she's met the great Bret Michaels, James will have to know that they are no long friends with benefits. Bret is wearing a Bret Michaels T-shirt, which is amazing and sad at the same time. He thinks Ashley likes him, but isn't sure if she also likes James. Bret asks Ashley how "this story ends," but then the scene ends before she can answer.
Elimination time! Brittanya is nervous and worries that losing her temper with Heather will work against her. Then again, she says, she can't help being the way she is. And yet, so many of us manage to make it through the day without assaulting others, even if said others are haters. It's the law. Ashley is proudly displaying her James tattoo and says she's nervous for the first time.
The first pass goes to Mindy, who's happy to get the first pass but can't remember which number cloud she's supposed to say she's on. She goes with 100. Wrong! It's 9. The second pass goes to Jamie, who explodes with excitement over this in the interview: "HOLY CRAP, THAT'S ME!" Settle down, Jamie. Bret says that Jamie might be a groupie, but "groupies don't suck." Unless you ask them to. Violin music plays as Taya is the to get a pass. Ashley says she's overdramatic and makes her want to vomit. That could also be all the vodka from before. Beverly is still worried that Alan not showing up will somehow count against her as opposed to her ridiculous and annoying reaction to the news.
After the break, Ashley is at a loss as to why she and Brittanya haven't gotten passes yet, since they're the hottest girls left. Bret calls Beverly down and says she has a lot of "deep issues" that need to be addressed, but he can't do that if she's drunk and screaming and crying. He can make out with her and have sex with her if she's doing those things, though, I'm sure. Just when Brittanya and Ashley are smirking that Beverly is getting the boot, Bret asks if she's willing to leave the baggage behind. She says yes, of course. It's just that easy, folks. Ashley interviews that Bret is keeping "this linebacker, nasty-looking like smoker gross bitch over me and Brittanya? Are you kidding me?" Life is going to suck for Potes week if Ashley goes home tonight. She is fun.
Bret addresses Brittanya and Ashley. He claims that they're two of the prettiest girls he's ever seen. I did not realize that Bret struggled with blindness for most of his life. Ashley says she's had a great connection with Bret and hopes "this one thing" won't ruin it. Yeah, it's not like living and having regular sex with the father of your child is that big of a stumbling block, right? Stop being ridiculous, Bret. Bret calls Brittanya down. He says she punched and spit at his friend, so her tour is over. Ha! You know she thought the violence would help her out. Brittanya takes the news well, saying Bret is "fucking great" so she's sad to leave him. She says she hopes he finds someone that loves him because he deserves that. She leaves, and Bret turns to Ashley. How does she keep that top from completely exposing her breasts? Tape? It's amazing. He calls her down and says he learned a lot about her, and now he's confused. Bret interviews that he likes Ashley a lot, but his "sixth sense" is saying he might "be a sucka." Bret's sixth sense talks like an idiot. Bret orders Ashley to look into his eyes and tell him that she's ready to fall in love. Wow -- she doesn't do either of those things! Her tour ends here, too! She doesn't seem too bummed, though, just shrugging and saying "all right. Thanks." Ashley interviews that she doesn't understand how Bret could get rid of her when she looks so fly. The fact is, this was a lot of fun until Farrah left and Ashley was stuck with a bunch of girls who made her want to kill herself. "Seriously. They talked about cereal for three hours yesterday. Are you kidding me? Good luck having fun with gopher and the 1986 prom queen." That's awesome, even if I don't know who gopher or the prom queen are. ["I believe that would be Mindy and Taya..." -- AC] I am impressed with Ashley's knowledge of the animal kingdom, however. But Bret is so disgusted that he drops her pass on the floor.
As the bus drives away, Jamie does some mental math and figures out that Bret must have eliminated two women, so they're the final four. They celebrate by feeling each other up and cackling. I need a shower.
Look back at some of the trashiest moments of the season. There are some good ones!
You can read more from Sara M at L.A.me, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.