Before beginning the recap proper, I must say thanks to Sara M. for filling in last week on what was perhaps the most glorious -- and gloriously sad -- episode of the season. I will be changing my recapper name to "Royal T" presently. I must also bid a fond farewell to my 1999 Ford Contour, appropriately named "Darva Contour," and thank her for her years of service in carting my rock n' roll ass around. RIP, friend. And here's hoping that, like Bret, some lucky skank out there will get to use some of your parts.
Previously: Mindy and Taya loved each other enough to have naked hot tub times together. Bret appreciated how Jamie never gets mixed up in the drama and made out with her on the beach while wearing a cowboy hat featuring both a picture of the American flag and text. Mindy quite possibly needs a lot of attention, according to special guests Heather and Ambre. Beverly had issues but Bret kept her anyway. And, even though we don't see it in this "previously on," a great crime against humanity was perpetrated when Ashley was eliminated. Sure, she really wanted to get back to her muscle-laden babydaddy, but Bret still could have done me a solid and kept her around just because she's awesome. As Mindy would probably say, it hurts my heart.It is morning. Skanks arise. But not the skanks we love. This is because Brittanya and Ashley are gone, and we have an all brunette final four. Beverly says that the Blondetourage had been calling her out for not being sexy and slutty enough, but apparently Bret likes her how she is because she's still there. He does like himself a drunken mess. And if it doesn't work out romantically, perhaps she can take over security duties when Big John retires. The ladies spackle on their makeup for the day. Taya prattles on and on. And on and on. And on and on as she straps on her stripper shoes. Jamie tells us that she's sick of Taya, who talks incessantly about stupid shit. Beverly concurs and would like Taya to shut up for once in her life. The case for one person being more annoying than the others is hard to make when everyone in the group is wearing matching tank tops. The hell?
The girls head to the bus where they find Bret Mail: "My Fabulous Four -- Get ready for more Florida fun, I'm taking you girls to the Hard Rock Hotel Universal Orlando. I'm so excited to show you around. I can't wait to make some sweet music together. Love, Bret." Taya doesn't know what the "sweet music" portion of the Bret Mail means, but tells us that she'll make "sweet anything he wants." He'll take an order of the sweet potato fries, with a side of sweet tea, if you're offering. The girls arrive in Orlando, as evidenced by Shamu the whale appearing suddenly on the map. Mindy extols the virtues of Universal Orlando, and we prepare to hear "Hard Rock Hotel Universal Orlando" mentioned constantly. The girls are ushered up to their suite. There is booze, and sparkly crap. That's sort of the best synopsis of this show that you could write, isn't it?
The room has all sorts of memorabilia on the wall, like a TGI Friday's, and Bret has even signed a playlist and photo, which are right above the bed. Beverly is ecstatic, and is ready to steal stuff from the room to give to her kids. Mindy tells us that Beverly is in love with the idea of being in love with a rock star. This is disheartening to Mindy, because she's retarded. She's really falling for Bret, and feels like there's a great possibility that she'll be hurt. She comes out wearing a train conductor hat and weeping, like Thomas the Skank Engine. Jamie says that Mindy is in her own little soap opera, and is cracking in front of our eyes. Her mascara and fake tan stay in place, though. Impressive. Taya hugs Mindy, who says that it's hard when you start to care about somebody and realize that it all might just be a big joke. She's just realizing that it's a big joke NOW? Too bad for her there's no dumb-ass insurance. She says, quite earnestly, that she's scared. I wish Ashley was here right now to throw a frozen Lean Cuisine at her. Taya feels for Mindy, because she's apparently been a total spinster for her whole life. Mindy says that it's hard for her to show emotion, and she's terrified that Bret is going to ask her to show emotion, and she won't be able to. I think this is what Ashley meant metaphorically when she says that these bitches talk about cereal for three hours. As Taya tries to comfort her, Mindy gets all aggressive and yells that she's still single and has never even been engaged. Oooh, horrors. Jamie, meanwhile, makes hilarious faces and Beverly picks her nose. Mindy says, "In a game of love I always lose, and I don't want to lose this time." Did she really just say, "In a game of love"? No wonder no one's ever proposed. And, to quote my hero, Cher, the way of love is a way of woe. Nut up, chucker.
Big John enters and gives Taya instructions regarding their kick-ass challenge for a kick-ass date. They read, "Good morning ladies. It's time to find out if we can make sweet music together. I'm doing a live recording session today and I want you all to be a part of it. You will each write the title, verse and chorus to my song and we will perform it together at the session. You will have one hour to write your song and be ready to perform." Awesome! But not for Mindy. She's terrified because she can't sing, and also is a moron. Bret has left boom boxes and CDs for the girls to practice with. Whichever lady wins will be jetting off with Bret for the evening. The prize = boning! My song would be called "I'll Be Hair for You," and begin with the verse: "To me your love is like a drug / I'm the follicle to your hair plug / I'm the zag and you're the zig / I'm the lace front, you're the wig."
Anyhoo, Beverly is no songwriter but once she hears the strumming of Bret's guitar it all came easy to her. Jamie says she's no musician, but she's just having fun and going with it. And then there's Mindy. She's all freaky and stressed out. Mindy found her outfit in the children's section at Target, which should be a bigger concern than her inability to write a song. Taya tries to calm her down, and Mindy responds that Taya knows how to do this and has been around music her entire life. Taya acknowledges that that's true, and is certain she's going to win the challenge. Mindy freaks out some more and looks exactly like a beaver. She has apparently never heard of the foreign art form called "music." She keeps shouting, "I can't sing!" and even her BFF Taya is sick of her. Beverly, meanwhile, loves her catchy and ridiculous song. She feels like a total rock star. Mindy feels like an addled beaver. Gnaw gnaw gnaw. Big John comes to get them and Mindy freaks out some more because everyone else was done and she only has three sentences. But then, on the bus, she shut her eyes and thought about what she'd really like to say to Bret in a song. And then it clicked. And she wrote a song called "On My Way to Loving You." I'm writing a song for Mindy right now called "On My Way to Punching You in the Throat." God. Also, she still can't sing. But man, you should watch her go to work on a tree trunk.
Bret welcomes the ladies to his studio. He's wearing his double-wide bandana in honor of National Trailer Month. Bret introduces the girls to his friend Pete Evick, who is going to help with the judging responsibilities. The girl who appears to be the most confident and secure in what she's written gets to go with Bret on a jet to Texas, where he's playing a festival (read: county fair). They'll party all night, then come back to Florida in the morning. Everyone is creaming themselves. Bret interviews that he knows the girls probably aren't God's gift to the written word or sung note, but this is a good chance for them all to goof around and have fun. If your idea of fun is listening to Mindy warble a song with the Carpenters-esque title of, "On My Way to Loving You."
Beverly is up first. Her song is called, "Love, War, & Rock n' Roll," which frankly is kind of awesome. It starts off, "When I first saw your face / I knew I'd found my place / Although you seemed so out of reach / So many skanks I had to beat." Okay, Beverly for the win. I've never liked her so much as I do in this moment. It continues, "I knew what I had to do / To be the one to be with you / So I focused on my goal / 'Cause all's fair in love, war and rock n' roll." She sounds pretty good and looks like she's having a great time. She interviews that she can't believe she's making music with Bret Michaels, and never, ever would have imagined this in her wildest dreams. Bret likey.
Jamie is , and is prepared to bust it out. She hopes she doesn't bust anyone's eardrums. And, oh boy. Her song is called "Text Message My Heart." Yeah. It goes, "You're making me crazy / I cannot lie / Just thinking about you / and those big blue eyes / You said that you'd call but you didn't / I wish that I could just make myself quit it." I mean, it's no, "So many skanks I had to beat." But Jamie's strategy is to shake her ass and distract from the fact that her song sucks. Bret can't take his eyes off it, so she is successful in this. We miss some lyrics, which I frankly think is for the best, and pick back up with, "I check my cell phone one more time / A text, an e-mail, anything / Just waiting for my phone to ring." Or beep. Or vibrate. Whatever, it sucks. But Bret likes her confidence and her tiny perky bum.
Taya is , and Jamie instantly snorts, "I look better." Sorry, meth-face, but you need to stick to the facts. Jamie expects Taya to have some horrible-ass squeaky voice as she sings her song "Once Upon a Time." But in fact, Taya kind of can sing. Her song is just as stupid as you'd think it would be, though. It goes, "Once upon a time / I had those dreams, where have they gone? / When I looked into your blue eyes, baby / I finally found where I belonged / You see me / and where I've been..." On page 36? Yes, we've all seen it. Mindy interviews that of course Taya can sing, and she's perfect, and Mindy's sick of it. Taya's kicker is, "My once upon a time starts now," which is exactly the kind of treacle that Taya would extol as God's gift to the written word. Somewhere Joni Mitchell is chain smoking and wondering why she didn't think of it first. In the audience Mindy whispers to the others, "Maybe it wasn't Penthouse she was trying to promote." Busted by her own BFF! Mindy sarcastically says it would be funny if this whole time, Taya was not promoting Penthouse but her own music career. Or combining her two professional endeavors and promoting her upcoming CD on Cooter Pie Records, along with the new line of Penthouse musical greeting cards. The bereavement one is really something to see. Anyway, Bret thinks Taya did a good job.
Mindy is last to go, and is extra freaked out by the fact that she has to follow Taya, who can actually sing. Bret refuses to let her forfeit, and even goes through her song once with him playing the guitar. Taya interviews that Mindy has no self-confidence, and that in fact it would be cute if she just jumped right in and did it. As much as I don't like to agree with Taya on anything, she's right about that. And, oof. Mindy was not kidding about not being able to sing. Her song starts off with, "Waking up in your world / It's a place I've never been / Somewhere I started falling / I don't know where, I don't know when." Jamie gives a "poor Mindy," and says Mindy was so bad she couldn't even watch. However, she's pleased that someone was a worse singer than her. Mindy continues, "I can't always find the words / The way that others do / Can't always dance the dance / But I'll find my way to loving you." Just leave a trail of bread crumbs or, in this case, wood chips. The other girls give her a generous round of applause. Bret interviews that he doesn't care if Mindy can sing, but would like a girl who can try some new things now and again. Bret gives kudos to everyone, then has them exit the room as he and Pete deliberate and decide who is the best "vocalist / lyricist / performer / confidence / something or other." With emphasis on the "something or other."
Bret asks Pete for his opinions. Pete appreciates that Beverly was the only one who seemed to understand what a chorus was. Bret thinks that she has a mixture of overconfidence and "complete absolute unconfidence." That's just how I'd put it, except I would have used real words. Jamie's song was not about her feelings for Bret, but rather what she wanted him to do. A simple girl at heart, she's only asking for a 135-character text message. Bret, however, liked Jamie's confidence and the fact that she gets the rock n' roll lifestyle. Taya was the singer of the bunch, and has obviously done this before. Her confidence was sexy as well. Mindy's not a quitter, but also sucks.
Meanwhile, as the girls wait outside, Mindy tells Taya how she said to everyone that Taya was there to promote her singing career. She's cracking up as she does this, but Taya gets super-pissed in the way that you do when you are B-U-S-T-E-D. But, whatever. Taya is also promoting gynecological awareness and no one seems to have a problem with that. Mindy tells Taya that she was just kidding, even though she wasn't. Taya is still pissed. Big John calls the girls in, and Bret reveals that Taya is the winner of the challenge. Everyone else is dead silent, because they hate her. Mindy actually yawns. Taya interviews that she's pissed. Every time she succeeds at something, the other girls try to steal her joy. I would make Taya a mix with Lucinda Williams' "Joy" on it if she deserved it. But she doesn't. Upon Bret's urging, the girls give Taya a perfunctory round of applause. Then Bret reveals that there's another seat on the jet, and the second place winner will also get to go on the date! But he's going to think about it a minute, so the girls have to call a number and see who gets the ringback tone of one of his crappy songs. I don't even know what stupid shit this is promoting, but frankly I'd rather take one of Taya's "These Are Your Lady Parts" educational posters. Taya is even more pissed, because she doesn't want to share her date. She whines that it's not fair. But, as Beverly taught us, all's fair in love, war and rock n' roll. Sorry. And speaking of Beverly, she's the second place winner and gets to go on the date! She's extremely excited about getting to go on the jet, and about ruining Taya's date.
Back at the hotel room, Taya and Beverly pack. Taya is still upset, but it's all about Mindy and what she said. She grills Beverly about the incident, and Beverly understands what Ashley and Farrah were talking about all this time. She interviews that it's bad enough to listen to Mindy whine about everything that doesn't go her way, but to have to listen to Taya complain about Mindy on top of it is too much for a mere mortal to handle. The two winners head to the jet with Bret, who is clearly frightened of Beverly's cleavage.
Back at the hotel, Jamie and Mindy mope about not being on a date with Bret. Then, inspiration strikes. Jamie suggests that they get a camera and take slutty pictures of each other. Nay, "classy-slutty" pictures. It's been done, but I can't say that it's a terrible idea. Jamie tells us that Taya always complains about the challenges of being a slutty model, but in fact it's easy and kind of great. I have to say, Jamie looks better than ever in her slutty photos. Less methy. Mindy's fine, too.
Bret, Taya and Beverly head to his concert. Taya tells us that Beverly is a third wheel, and so she's going to pretend that she's not even there. Beverly rolls her eyes to the heavens as they ride in the limo and Taya, like, massages Bret's temples. Bret heads to the stage -- hopefully after stopping for funnel cake -- and Beverly tells us that this is her ultimate date. Bret plays a song that I kind of like, the surprise of which distracts me from all of Taya's whining about Beverly's rock hands and Beverly's whining about Taya's swirly swively stupid Penthouse dance. Nonetheless, Beverly has had the time of her life on the date. She's never felt this way before. She swears. It's the truth. And she owes it all to a bewigged aging rock star.
After the show, Bret signs all sorts of stuff for fans, which is pretty endearing, even when it's breasts he's signing. He meets what is perhaps his oldest fan, and he calls her his hottest fan, which also makes me like him. Damn him! And then it's time to head back to Orlando. Already? I thought there were overnight hijinx! In the limo, Beverly pulls out two stuffed bears that she bought for her daughters. She'd like Bret to sign them. Taya interviews that it's pretty weird to try to get your sort-of-boyfriend's autograph. It is. Beverly asks Bret not to eliminate her before she finds something to get for her son for him to sign. I hope she does some quick shopping at the airport. Meanwhile, Taya is all over Bret and Beverly is pissed off. Beverly's problem is not being all over Bret. I mean, one of many, but she seriously needs to turn it up and stick that tongue somewhere effective.
When Taya and Beverly get back to the hotel, Taya is still all pissed off about what Mindy said. As Taya takes a pissy shower, Mindy busts out a suggestion for a fun rock n' roll activity: "Let's make some scars and stuff on our face with this face putty." Yeah. Cereal. Taya wants to talk about the real scars that exist on the inside. In addition to being pissed about what Mindy said about her promoting her music career, she's pissed that Mindy didn't even ask her what she's been so pissy about. Is this bitch for real? Beverly and Jamie are wondering the same thing. Mindy didn't realize that Taya was so upset about it, and Taya still thinks it was a mean thing to say. She's also upset that Mindy didn't even clap for her when she won the challenge. Mindy interviews that her job is not to be Taya's cheerleader. And then she busts out with this: "I'm a jokester. I put meat in people's shoes." Is that...a double entendre? I am seriously at a loss, here. Taya then blathers on about how now Mindy has given the other girls cause to have suspicions about her. Beverly pipes in that she, in fact, does think less of Taya, but it's because Taya was all over Bret on their date. And then those two start fighting. It all ends with Taya saying that Beverly's upset that Bret didn't even want to kiss her, then telling her to kiss her f***ing ass. Beverly snaps thrice, and we blessedly go to a commercial. So dramatic and so dull, all at once!
The morning, the girls head down to a breakfast establishment to meet Bret. And Bret is the cook! His chef coat has bandana sleeves! See, now that's kind of endearing too. Bret asks what's been going on, and adds that he hopes at least a few undressed catfights have occurred. Beverly confirms that they've been dressed. Taya pipes in and says nothing of note, and Mindy hates her more than ever. Bret takes Mindy to hang out for a bit of one-on-one time. Mindy says that she knows Bret probably wants to know more about her. Whatever gets you through the day, sweetheart. He asks her to talk to him, ostensibly about herself. Instead, Mindy decides this would be a good time to talk to him about Taya. Fail. In this situation, you just make out with the man. Bret is starting to wonder if Mindy is trying to date him or Taya. He watches too much porn. Meanwhile, Jamie is upset that Bret doesn't even want to talk to her. She decides to interrupt his tete-a-tete with Mindy wearing the ugliest shorts known to man. Mindy is not excited about being interrupted, but Jamie is pretty sly in coming in with the gift of sexy pictures. She's even had them framed! Bret approves of their productive use of spare time. Jamie thinks that he liked her sexy photo better, which should get her some points at elimination.
Meanwhile, how much of a hot tranny mess is Daisy in the ad for Daisy of Love? Good Lord.
Eliminations! Taya gets the first pass. Beverly wants to gag, then shoot herself in the head. Jamie is to get a pass. Bret tells Mindy that at times he is concerned about her inability to separate the importance of the friendship with Taya and the importance of her relationship with him. Mindy interviews that she's no lesbo. Meanwhile, Bret is concerned that Beverly won't be able to separate being an uber-fan from having a relationship. Also, she looks like a linebacker. Someone please send this girl to Stacy and Clinton! She's not unattractive, but she just needs to figure out how to package herself. Bret calls Mindy to him, and asks if her heart and soul is in this. She tells him that it is, and thus gets a pass. Beverly is sadsy-sads. Bret tells her that she's beautiful as a person. But he wonders whether she sees him as Bret, her potential boyfriend, or Bret Michaels, the rock star. I see him as Bret Michaels, who often overdoes on the botox and sometimes tricks me into liking him. Beverly tells him that she understands. But she interviews that this sucks. She's been dreaming about being with him ever since the first concert she attended. But, she says, if it was supposed to be it would have worked whether she was an uber-fan or not. Bret tells us that in the beginning Beverly was his favorite rocker tomboy girl, but in the end she fell in love with the rock star, but never discovered the person who walked off the stage. He heads into his pimped-out bus to muse about roses and thorns and how his biggest problem with Beverly was that he totally didn't want to bone her.