Fool Brittanya

S03E09

That night, the girls meet Bret, who says it's time to rip open his womens' closet doors and "let the bones fall out. And see which one of these skeletons has a pulse." I guess you don't really need to know much about medicine or how bodies work in order to be a washed-up rock star. Meanwhile, Jamie is wearing a really stupid headband. Anyway, Bret namedrops the hotel and says they're there for one simple reason: "for you to help me help you to get to know me." That's not simple at all, and if I'm confused, then you know Brittanya and her stupid cheek earrings are totally out of it. "Uh ... I don't know. What?" she says. Things become slightly more clear when Big John brings out the "winner" of last season, Ambre. Taya interviews that she loves Ambre and hopes she won't mind them fighting over her former man. Ambre interviews that she and Bret dated for ten months and now she's here as his friend to help him find the girl best suited to him and his lifestyle. Until Season 4. Oh, and here comes Heather from Season 1 and part of Season 2. She's cool because when Bret goes to kiss her, she turns her head so he only gets cheek. That's right, Season 3 ladies! Perhaps by the time Season 5 rolls around, you, too, will have self-esteem. Brittanya interviews that she has problems with Heather because she seemed like a "hater" in Season 1. Brittanya doesn't like it when "big people" mess with "little people," and we flash back to the Heather vs. Daisy fight at last season's reunion show. Apparently it's still cool with Brittanya to throw shaving cream on little people, though, since that's what she did to Taya and Mindy just last week. Beverly is thrilled to see someone angrier than her around. Bret says Heather and Ambre are here to get the truth about the ladies that he can't get because he's too busy keeping them from talking by shoving his tongue down their throats.

Taya interviews that they all figured that Bret's exes were the only surprise, but no. Bret has everyone else's exes too! Beverly responds with a bleep. And here come the ex-boyfriends! They look just as trashy as the women they dated. Like everything else on this show, it's like a living, breathing "Faces of Meth" poster. Bret interviews that ex-boyfriends are like sex tapes -- you never know when they'll surface or how much they'll expose. Well, if it's a sex tape, I'm pretty sure you can assume it'll expose a whole lot. Now let's meet the exes. Mindy's ex is Chris, who is the least creepy-seeming guy there. Mindy interviews that she and Chris had a "very negative" relationship, so his presence here is "controversial." Please don't use words if you don't know what they mean, Mindy. Taya's ex is named Jazz. Or Chazz? Either way, it's lame. Taya interviews that she's friends with JazzChazz, so she's not worried about what he'll say. And here's James, Ashley's ex. He looks like he just stepped off the cover of a Grand Theft Auto game. Ashley begs to differ, saying that she hadn't seen James in a while and he looked good. That looks good? Yikes. Brittanya's ex is named Wilty, I think? That's an unfortunate nickname for a guy. He gets generic hip-hop music and Brittanya wonders where the hell this show found him because he was more of a booty call than an ex-boyfriend. Jamie's ex is named Hamboosy. Who are these people? Jamie's just relieved that her ex-husband couldn't make the trip. Jamie's ex-husband is relieved that he's Jamie's EX-husband. And that's everyone, which means Beverly's ex is not here. It took Beverly a ridiculously long time to figure that out, as she counted how many men were standing up there, figured out one was missing, and then realized that she didn't recognize any of the men there so it must have been her ex who was not present. I have a feeling that she knows that the fact that she doesn't recognize any of the guys there doesn't necessary mean that she never slept with them. Bret says that "on a serious note," some guy named Alan refused to come on the show. Beverly is devastated, as well she should be. Alan is clearly a man with a good head on his shoulders and she let him go. Beverly is very upset and thinks she looks like an idiot and that no one cares enough about her to be there. Yes, because nothing says "I care" like showing up on your ex-girlfriend or booty call's basic cable reality show and talking shit about her. Bret takes the girls off to hang out while Ambre and Heather get to talk to the exes. Hopefully they'll be chaperoned. And not leave their drinks unattended.