Previously: Taya was named Penthouse Pet of the Year, and it only made her more annoying. The spectacle of Bret and Ashley boning was so traumatic that Kami voluntarily left the tour. And poor Kelsey had a breakdown of such severity that she took solace from a speedbump and was summarily eliminated. But only after drunkenly announcing that she doesn't give a fuck about Bret! Awesome.
It is morning, and the Rock of Love Bus appears to be parked outside of a church. Maybe the only way to truly cleanse it is to go through the holy water car wash? The ladies are still holed up in their Birmingham hotel. Farrah is super-sad that her drunken partner in crime, Kelsey, has been eliminated, and can't believe that they're down to seven broads. The girls head to the bus and get Bret Mail: "Hello my sexy seven. Say goodbye to Birmingham and hello to the Redneck Riviera - Panama City Beach, Florida. The further down south we head the hotter it's bound to get. It's time to get more cozy. Load out of the blue bus, and pile on to the pink one." Ashley is perturbed about the fact that the pink bus is getting exponentially lamer. Now she'll have to share her Lean Cuisine stuffed cabbage. Mindy is also sad, given that the blue bus was a sanctuary of sorts for its lame inhabitants. She solemnly says, "Bye blue bus." The blue bus beeps, "Bye, Mindy," because the editors were drunk that day.
The girls unload in Panama City and are excited about the prospect of getting some sun, which will hopefully help to eliminate those festering sores for good. Instead of a hotel, the girls are staying in a condo/suite type establishment right on the beach. There's one tiny room with bunk beds, which is immediately claimed by Taya and Mindy. I'm sure they're going to braid each other's hair and tell ghost stories and compare vulvas into the wee hours of the morning. Farrah appears to want to jump off of their balcony, but Ashley stops her with the promise that Bret will one day allow her to be involved in a threesome with them. Big John enters the suite with new swimwear for all of the girls and instructions for them to meet him by the pool in an hour. Farrah and Ashley head straight for the smallest bikini tops, because you don't buy boobs just to cover them up with a medium-sized piece of skimpy material.
When the girls finally head poolside they have a bit of a surprise. Bret is not standing by the regular adult pool, but by the kiddie pool. Mindy, in an obvious attempt to court favor with Mr. Wassagoinon himself, interviews, "What's...a-going on here?" Bret is standing with a group of women whom he says are either current military or have husbands who are overseas in Iraq. He says that they're going to take care of these women in the best way they know how. Ply them with tequila, serenade them with an acoustic version of "Something to Believe In," and then watch them make out with each other? In fact, no. These ladies are going to get a day off to enjoy a manicure, pedicure or any other sort of cure (tequila). The girls clap until they learn their job for the day: to take care of the kids. I hope the production staff has Child Protective Services on speed dial.
The kids, who I'm guessing have just been fed a lunch of pixy stix and crystal meth, run out. Brittanya tells us that she's no good with kids. This is inconvenient as she has one of her own. She tells us that she never had any babysitting jobs, and if she had she wouldn't have gotten pregnant. The camera lingers on her for a moment, just so we can fully digest that. The girls are going to have to throw a pool party, and the kids will be the judges and determine who the best "mommy" was. My vote is for whichever one manages not to burn them with a cigarette or vomit in the pool. This fabulous lady will get an awesome date with Bret. Taya tells us that her son is like five kids rolled into one. And how lucky he is to be able to see the birth canal from whence he came in glorious Technicolor. The girls have two hours in which to permanently scar the little beasts. Bret reminds us that he has two daughters of his own, and would like for his girlfriend not to kill them if left unattended. He heads back to his hotel room where he can spy on them thanks to the Creepy Bret Cam!
Beverly has three kids of her own, so thinks she should have this situation under control. She reads the kids the rules of the pool, and cracks up when she gets to the one where they're not supposed to drink alcohol. One funny little fat kid who is perhaps the reincarnation of Chris Farley makes a gagging noise and says, "Ew! I hate that." As Bret watches this scene with Big John, he notes that if he and Beverly don't work out on a physical level, she can be their tour manager. She then begins to organize a water balloon fight. One very proper little girl uses the face paints to put a bikini on one of Ashley's naked lady tattoos. Taya decides to hold an impromptu competition to see who can do the most jumping jacks, and mini-Chris Farley has the presence of mind to stop and just stare at her boobs as she jumps.
It doesn't take long before the kids get completely crazy and the girls lose control of the situation. Even Bret is compelled to yell, "No running by the pool!" from his hotel room. One kid puts a bucket on his head and totally wanders off to the hot tub area, and no one notices but Bret and Big John. Finally, Ashley of all people is the one who finds him and brings him back to the fold with promises of dumping water on the heads of others. Bret is impressed. Ashley interviews that her son is her life and she really does know how to take care of kids. When she's not getting wasted and dropping her pants on national TV. I'm just saying. But in fact, she really does seem to be quite good with them and actually enforces the "no running by the pool" rule. She interviews that she may dance on the weekends, but Monday through Friday she's a stay at home mom. Aw, Ashley has layers! The bikini-painting girl tells Ashley that she's probably going to be the one who gets "the hot date with that boy." I think kids sense that she totally understands that sometimes everybody poops their pants. Bret is now fully in love with Ashley.
Beverly, meanwhile, is trying to bribe kids into voting for her by giving them water balloons. Jamie is not a mom, and has negative maternal instinct. She eagerly awaits a challenge that she knows how to do. Brittanya reiterates that she is not good with kids and generally looks miserable. Mindy's got a hot bod but is not quite in the running for supermom. Farrah, meanwhile, takes advantage of the situation and allows a little girl to give her a pedicure. I like her style. Finally there's Taya, who is running even more than the kids on the wet concrete. Dangerous, but Bret is entranced enough by her jiggle that he doesn't mind bending the rules of the pool. That's how we all feel until someone has to call EMS. Really, I think that everyone's just relieved that all of the kids came out of this alive.
Bret returns and sends the ladies to the bar so he can chit-chat with the kids and figure out who's going to get the hot date. Farrah would like to win despite putting in minimal effort. I can get down with that. Bret has a board with photos of all the ladies, and asks the kids first what they think of Farrah. The mini pedicurist likes her, but most everyone else gives her a thumbs down. Mindy has pretty hair, but doesn't seem to be a crowd favorite, either. Beverly gets points for dispensing water balloons. Ashley gets a big cheer from everyone, while Jamie and Brittanya roundly booed. Taya and her rule-breaking ways also gets a big cheer, which means that Bret has to decide between her and Ashley. The ladies return and Bret announces that Taya and Ashley are the finalists. Taya thinks she has it in the bag by virtue of the fact that Ashley has a naked tattoo of herself on her arm. Yes, but the world can see your puss on the Internet for free. It's really a toss-up. In the end, Ashley wins! She's proud, and says that outside of being a party girl she's a good mom and a good person. Taya's pissed, but claims to be ready to shrug it off and enjoy the rest of the night.
The girls head back to the house, get fixed up and prepare for a night on the town. Any night on the town preparation involves shots, obviously. Beverly likes to drink her shot from a pint glass, and even Farrah marvels at the amount of booze she's about to consume. She interviews that Beverly is an alcoholic. Beverly gulps her vodka down without a chaser. When Ashley and Farrah are saying that you should go to rehab, you may want to at least watch a few episodes of Sober House and start to reevaluate.
The girls hop on Bret's bus and the whole crew heads to the Coyote Ugly Saloon. Bret is wearing his formal "American Outlaw" cowboy hat, which puts the "ugly" in Coyote Ugly. Beverly has gotten sexed up for a change, after all the peer pressure to bust out her boobs and ass. Bret doesn't actually say, "Me likey," but you know he's thinking it. That is until Beverly tells him that he really needs to fucking shave, as he has five day old scruff on his face. Taya interviews that when Beverly's hammered, which I'm guessing is all the time, she has no filter. Beverly wonders what the fuck the scruff is about, and Bret notes that he had the same sort of scruff in the "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" video. And the Beverly is suddenly awesome as she says, "...There you go. That was a long ass time ago." Jamie is dying, and tells us that Beverly is getting weirdly aggressive. Bret wonders what her psycho deal is, and Beverly tells him to check himself before he wrecks himself. Maybe there's sort of a package thing with her where when her boobs are allowed to come out, the evil is, too.
Everything then gets way too "passive aggressive couple who have been together for 100 years" style uncomfortable. Bret interviews that he knows Beverly is pissed about something, but hasn't the foggiest idea what it is. He says to Beverly that she has anger issues she's going to have to deal with one day. Beverly's reply is an angry, "Well alright then, I guess I'll shut the fuck up, then, damn. Apparently I got anger issues." "Apparently I got anger issues" is totally going to be my quote of the month. Taya starts to tell Beverly how to channel her anger. This is totally Beverly's chance to punch Taya in the throat, but she doesn't do it and disappoints us all. Bret leaves, because he hasn't got time for the pain. Jamie interviews that Beverly's really fun when she's not being an alcoholic and all.
The ladies dance on the bar, and Farrah and Ashley get cozy. Bret tells us that at this point on the tour, Farrah's kissed Ashley way more than she's kissed him. He wonders if she's here for him, or for the non-stop party. At least she doesn't got anger issues. Oh, and speaking of, Beverly drunkenly dances on the bar as Bret, below her, tells the bartender to cut her off. She falls on him and starts humping his neck as amused onlookers enjoy the show. Bret thinks it's time to go before Beverly cracks her head, and the heads of innocent bystanders. Everyone heads to the bus, and Ashley tells Bret that she's ready to get crazy. Adult beverages are enjoyed, and Beverly gives a death glare when she notices that Bret has his arm wrapped snugly around Jamie's waist. Ashley tells Bret that his lips are hot, and to test her theory Brittanya starts sucking face with him. Beverly gives another death glare and spouts off some expletives. Ashley interviews that Beverly was in a corner by herself for the entire ride, shooting death glares with her crazy eyes. Ashley wonders if she might kill them all. I mean, if we're lucky. Best season ever!
When everyone gets out at the hotel, Beverly stays on the bus. She interviews that she's pissed and at her breaking point. Farrah says that Beverly's being psychotic, like she's going to stab somebody, which is how she always gets when she's drunk. Stab Taya! The crew, minus Beverly, heads to a bonfire on the beach. Bret says that if the wind shifts, they might die. This episode really is building up our hopes, isn't it? Everyone chills and enjoys a beverage, and Bret finally notices that Beverly isn't there. He sends John to tell her to go relax in her room for a while, then come and join the party when she's in a better mood. Ashley announces that she has an idea. That idea is to make out with Bret. Then she has another idea, which is to make out with Brittanya and Bret at the same time. Farrah offers to grab a video camera, while Taya heads to the bathroom saying that she wants to vomit. She interviews that these girls are no stranger to using sex to manipulate people. She finds it "unclassy." Irony has joined the Bret-Brittanya-Ashley makeout session, and is using tongue. Taya and Mindy walk off in a huff, and Mindy says that Brittanya is desperate. As they pee they talk about all the issues she has. Taya wants Brittanya to kiss her whack ass. I guess she got anger issues, too.
And speaking of, Beverly supposes she should finally get off the bus and join the party. Big John tells her to chill out and drink, like, a Diet Sprite or something. Just when she settles in, Brittanya straddles Bret and starts humping him. Great timing! Beverly really wants to talk to Bret. She might be successful in this endeavor if he didn't have two tongues in his mouth right now, not including his. Beverly busts out with, "Dude, what the hell?" Jamie likes Beverly and decides to lend her a hand and lead her away before she further makes a fool of herself. Beverly tells Jamie that she understood what she was getting into by joining the show, but wonders if Bret, after having peesh after peesh in his face for 20 years, doesn't finally want something different. Two words: season three. Farrah yells over that Jamie and Beverly aren't paying attention to Bret, and Beverly yells back that Bret's not paying attention to them. Beverly sarcastically wonders if she should pull her shirt down and hike her skirt up. Ashley answers: "You should hang your boobs out. And pull your skirt up." Well, that's settled. Beverly marches off in a huff, which seems to be a trend for the evening.
Meanwhile, Mindy and Taya, after realizing that no one cared when THEY left in a huff, decide to hit the hot tub. They strip down to their g-strings, and Taya rips off the best pickup line ever: "You're near me with your naked breasts right now." They high five. Back at the bonfire, Farrah, Ashley and Brittanya head off to pee. Jamie interviews that everyone was so drunk and retarded that they all just dispersed, leaving her alone with Bret. They make out and snuggle and Bret compliments her on how her butt hanging out is hot, but not in a whoreish way. Jamie appreciates that. Bret tells her that this -- by "this" I think meaning fun snuggle times -- is more "him" than any of "that" -- by "that" I think meaning fun slutty times. Bret hadn't really noticed Jamie before, but appreciates the fact that she's cool and laid-back and maybe not as crab-ridden as the others.
Back in the suite, Mindy and Taya jump in the shower together and start shit talking the others. This is particularly awesome since the others have snuck back in the room and are listening to their conversation. Mindy says of someone -- clearly she's talking about either Ashley, Farrah or Brittanya -- "That's not the girl you bring home to mom, that's not the girl you marry, that's not the girl you bring around your kids." Farrah then loses it, goes and whips the shower curtain off, and tells Mindy and Taya to fuck off. They claim that they weren't talking about Farrah, but she thinks she heard her name. In any case, the Blondetourage is pissed. Ashley grabs the nearest thing (after walking to the kitchen), which happens to be a big jar of salsa, and dumps it in Mindy's suitcase. Mindy discovers this, and interviews that it's going to take more than a can of salsa to break her down. This leaves me with only one question: What kind of a stupid bitch buys salsa in a can? The hazing continues as the Blondetourage and Brittanya pour what looks to be chocolate milk and shaving cream onto Taya. She and Mindy finally pack-up their salsa-stained belongings and check into another room where they can celebrate their love for each other in peace.
The morning, Beverly talks about how drunk she was. Mindy and Taya awake and head back to the group room. Taya says she's over it. Meanwhile, we hear Ashley's rationale behind the salsa-dumping: she was trying to spice up Mindy's wardrobe. Team Ashley, forever. Taya, who eats from a giant family sized box of generic "Flakes" in the kitchen, is extra pissed that Ashley is going on a solo date with Bret. Bret, however, is excited to see Ashley and her well-packaged boobs. She meets him on the beach and they hop on an ATV. Woo, dream date. Farah looks on and says that she's glad Ashley won, because it means she gets a chance to be away from the rest of the stupid lame whores. Mindy hopes that Ashley gets into a horrible disfiguring accident. Of course, I guess that means by default that Bret would also get into a horrible disfiguring accident, but who could really tell?
They ride up to a prepared lunch of chicken fingers. Bret tells Ashley that she's a superstar, and admits in an interview that he's fallen pretty hard for her. He likes the way she looks and the way she is, especially away from the other girls. To wit, Bret mentions that some of the other girls tend to drag Ashley to places where she doesn't necessarily want to go. He of course means Farrah, who drags Ashley to the place of lesbian fun times. Ashley realizes this, and does not like Bret speaking ill of her friend. She interviews that she loves Farrah, and anything negative that someone says about her actually hurts Ashley's feelings too. Female solidarity! Ashley and Farrah would totally make a more interesting couple than Ashley and Bret. In fact, Farrah is sort of Bret-esque, but with better boobs. Bret interviews that he has to get Ashley away from her BFF Farrah, because he likes the "real Ashley," which is the Farrah-free Ashley who only likes lesbian action when he's watching.
Meanwhile, Taya goes to talk to Bret on his bus about the salsa incident. Bret interviews that though Taya came on strong at the beginning of the tour, he's starting to feel a bit of a disconnect with her. He's attracted to Taya, he says, but could give a rat about all the drama. Taya tells him that she has a lot of stuff that she's putting off back home, and in fact her boss would like her to get kicked off early so they can, like, wax her puss again and put her in an ad for Valtrex. Taya interviews that she's proud of what she's accomplished with Penthouse, but it has nothing to do with why she's on the show. She's incensed that Farrah and Ashley run around with all their lady parts hanging out but no one acknowledges the dirty truth that what they're actually doing is promoting the stripping profession. And the way Brittanya's been promoting lobotomies is just shameless, too. Bret tells Taya that it's hot to him that she was in Penthouse, but if he ever found out that that was the only reason she was there, he'd boot her all the way back to page 32. He interviews that lately Taya has spent more time promoting than talking to him. I would watch Taya saunter around in all the Penthouse scarves in the world if it meant I didn't have to have a conversation with her.
Big John summons Farrah to the workout room for a heart to heart with Bret, who is obviously promoting hotel fitness rooms. Bret tells Farrah that he loves how she's hot and always funny, but he wants to be careful that they don't step into the dreaded "friendship zone." Because who wants to be friends with Bret Michaels? Farrah interviews, "Ah, french toast." Boy, do I love her. Farrah tells Bret that she thinks you have to be somebody's friend to have a relationship with them. She wants to get to know a person she's going to date and see if they have things in common, because if they don't it's not going to work. Well, she and Bret both like women. That's one thing. Farrah interviews that she's forward and outgoing, but it's different when she wants to date a guy, and she's not going to change who she is. Despite all appearances, I think that Farrah is totally not a whore! See, she has layers, too.
Beverly is to be summoned to the weight room. Bret tells her that he's not particularly a fan of hers when she's wasted. She admits that she gets abrasive, and tells him that at home she doesn't drink this much. She apologizes for the way she acted, and then tells Bret that some of her anger issues may stem from the fact that he's making out with bitches she's not particularly fond of right in front of her, like, all the time. In particular, she tells Bret, she thinks that Ashley is trash. Beverly interviews that she thinks Ashley is a mean, vindictive, bad soul. But she's so amusing! And so good with kids! Bret tells Beverly not to get hammered tonight and sends her on her way. He interviews that Beverly is definitely here for him, but he's not sure if that's a good thing or not.
Eliminations! Taya is once again in her stripper formalwear. Bret gets right to business, and calls Ashley first. Taya's pissed, and Ashley knows it and loves it. Jamie is called , followed by Mindy. Farrah interviews, "When Mindy gets the third pass I'm like, gosh, please don't even give it to her, she might gnaw it up like a beaver." Awesome. Bret calls Beverly down, despite the fact that she has issues galore. This leaves Taya and Farrah. Farrah is quite awesomely dressed like a transgender porn version of a cavewoman. Taya is mortified to be in her company, and vice versa. Bret says that he and Farrah have had a great friendship and partied beyond belief. He thinks she's a modern day rock star. Meanwhile, Bret had a connection with Taya from the beginning, but has had his doubts about whether she's really looking for someone to love and not just promoting her own vulva. Bret calls Farrah to him and tells her that although her tour ends here, their friendship doesn't. Aw, french. Farrah interviews that she's never chased a man in her whole life, and that she honestly doesn't think that Bret can handle her. She says that he needs somebody lamer, and if he wants a motherly type to cut his corn off his cob, he can pick Taya. Oh Farrah, how I will miss you!
week: Ambre and Heather! And the exes! Nobody loves Beverly enough to show up, and Brittanya maybe knocks Heather out. I guess she got anger issues.
Potes thinks that Rock of Love without Farrah is like toast without the French. She can be reached at potesypotes@gmail.com.