Speedbumping Uglies

S03E07

The buses head to Decatur, Alabama. Yet another stop in the life of a glamorous rock star! Bret makes an unexpected visit to the girls' hotel room. He tells them that, during the Truck Stop Games, the judges may have been unduly swayed by sexy boobs. To even things out, he wants to take the Blue Team to the bus to hang out with him. He has made margaritas for them. Kami is excited to get to chill and talk with Bret a bit. The conversation is stimulating, as Bret says he can't fuck with music on. Oh come on. You know that bitch bones to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" at least three nights a week. Kami and Ashley both like to do it with the lights on, though not with gynecologist-style lights. Well, let me tell you that nothing gets me more in the mood than feeling like I'm at my annual. Beverly busts in with, "I like it dark." Methinks her days are seriously numbered. Ashley, meanwhile, has had her arms around Bret the whole time they've been talking and interviews that she's going to take over on the bus this time. She says, "Bret wants me, I want Bret, these two girls can watch." It's just another day in the life of Ashley.

Bret asks the ladies how their "for-real jealousy thing" works. Ashley says that if Bret's down with chicks, she's down with chicks. Beverly, however, says hell no. If he's with her, she doesn't want him to be with anyone else. If he's not ready to be in a relationship, he shouldn't be with her, she says. And that's why he isn't. Kami is with Beverly, and says that 1) she doesn't want her man to be with anyone else; 2) she sure as hell doesn't want to watch it. For her part, Ashley would in fact like to watch. Kami interviews that Ashley's the skankiest bitch she's ever met in her life, and is completely disgusting. Yet also redeemably hilarious to a home viewing audience. I can't help it -- I heart Ashley. Bret negotiates the situation by playing Kami, Ashley, and Beverly the new song he wrote. Kami says, "It is so sexy when a guy can sing, and then when it's directed to you it's that much more sexier." I think Bret was eliminated from this equation with the initial "it is so sexy when a guy can sing" caveat. Bret starts making out with Ashley in a really foul manner, and then all three ladies head to his bedroom. Beverly comments on how cool it is that he has a shower in his bedroom as he continues to make out with Ashley. Good times.

thing you know Kami, Beverly and Ashley head back to the hotel room and an upset Kami wants to talk with some of the other girls. She tells them that as soon as they got to Bret's room Ashley whipped off her shorts. I mean, to her credit, they were barely shorts in the first place. Kami is fed up, and can't bear the thought of going after somebody who likes to make out with skanks. Has she seen this show before? The day, Kami goes to talk to Bret on his bus. Bret admits that things got out of hand the night before, and wonders if Kami will be mad at him or at Ashley. Kami then just goes balls out and says that she wants to leave! She says it's maybe the hardest decision she ever had to make. I don't know, I think "pasties with tassels or pasties without tassels" is a pretty tough one, too. Bret says that the night before things got very physical very quickly. Did he really bone Ashley while the other two were still there? Kami says that she knows girls -- skanky, misguided girls, but girls nonetheless -- throw themselves at Bret all the time, and she doesn't think she can handle it. Bret tells her that it's part of his lifestyle and is not going to change. However, he tells Kami that there was an instant connection between the two of them, and that the conversations he's had with her are deeper than those with 90% of the other girls. Bret acknowledges that he really messed up on this one, and he bids her adieu. He could have saved a love this afternoon if he'd known what to say. Instead of making love...well, you know the rest. Kami reports back to the other girls. Ashley, Farrah and Kelsey do a joyful "Get out of here bitch" dance to send her on her way. I guess that's as fitting a goodbye as anyone gets on this show.