Previously: Brittanya was smoking hot but, in her own words, "a little bit not too smart." Natasha was quite possibly a dude. And Marcia got eliminated for a sickening display of common sense, which included not wanting to engage with Bret's wrinkly aging rock star balls.
It is morning in the latest Rock of Love hotel room, which involves sitting around in lingerie and eating pastries. Natasha tells us that things are a lot quieter now that Marcia's gone. Each time Marcia got drunk Natasha was closer and closer to choking her, and not in an erotic way, so it's possibly for the best that she got the boot. The girls head to the bus where they find a note telling them that they're going to St. Louis -- gateway to the west and, if the mysterious Bret Mail penman is to be believed, the potential gateway to Bret's heart. And/or his man parts. Ashley has never heard of Missouri. Or underwear. Or a night of drinking that doesn't involve either vomiting or pooping your pants.
On the bus, Farrah also acknowledges that she's pretty ignorant when it comes to geography and couldn't find Missouri on a map. Natasha tells her that it's south of North Dakota. And while that's technically true, there's a state that's more obviously directly south of North Dakota, and it actually includes the words "South" and "Dakota," which is a pretty helpful mnemonic device. But the whole point of this scene is not to condemn America's public schools (though that's really a leitmotif of all seasons of Rock of Love, isn't it?), but rather to let us know that Ashley and Farrah are unequivocally over Natasha. As Ashley says, "I don't know. I just don't like her face." You can't argue with that logic. Ashley also thinks that Natasha is very man-like, particularly when it comes to the voice, and Farrah agrees. When a side of beef in a wig like Farrah is calling you a dude, you know you're in trouble. Farrah rhetorically asks, "Are you a man? Or are you a WO-man?" Sometimes she should just stick to saying, "What the French."
Meanwhile, something's bothering Bret. And it's not the recurring crabs this time. At this point in seasons one and two, Bret was feeling hot and heavy with at least a couple of girls. But this season, no one will boff him. Bret says that he needs to get something cooking, and fast. Apparently there's a kitchen in Larry Flynt's Hustler Club, and the buses pull in the lot. The Pink Bus girls celebrate and conjecture that the girls on the Blue Bus are scared. The girls on the Blue Bus are scared and conjecture that the girls on the Pink Bus will be celebrating. Farrah interviews that the lame skanks of the bunch probably haven't even been in a strip club before. They've had to content themselves with swinging around the poles in the subway. Ashley, of course, feels right at home.
Turns out this is going to be a challenge, but, much to Beverly's relief, it is not of the pasties and lap dance variety. Bret brings out three girls who are in dire need of rock goddess makeovers. They are Jamie, Jenny, and Kami. One wears a sweatsuit while the others look like librarians-slash-crazy-cat-ladies. The team who best transforms their nerd into a mega-hot-goddess will win a date with Bret. The teams are: 1) Brittanya, Natasha, and Ashley; 2) Beverly, Mindy, and Kelsey; 3) Farrah and Taya. Each team has to pick a captain. Natasha says she's a ringer, as she's been to cosmetology school and is "obviously the queen of extreme makeovers." If she wants us to believe she's nutless, she's going to have to work a little harder. Farrah and Taya play rock-paper-scissors, and Farrah prevails. She says if she knows anything it's how to style somebody, dress somebody, and how to put their makeup on and make them look smoking hot. Or, in her own case, like the porn version of Bosom Buddies. Mindy wants the one-on-one time with Bret, so she volunteers to be the captain of her team.
Team one gets Jamie, team two gets Jenny, and team three gets Kami. Taya notes that they're all pretty hideous. Kelsey has a problem with her teammates, since Beverly and Mindy can't even bring out the rock goddesses in themselves. Ashley thinks that her innate hotness would have made her a better team captain than Natasha. Taya, meanwhile, says that she's doing all the work while Farrah is just goofing off and, eventually, giving a final nod of approval by saying, "I'd bang her." That's called management, Taya. With a false eyelash here and a push-up bra there, the tarting-up is complete! Ashley sizes up the competition, saying that one girl looks like a hooker that you'd find behind a dumpster, and the other is still ugly. She likes her team's chances.
With that, it's time for the judging. Jamie, from team one, is out first. The transformation is good enough to elicit a "me likey" from Bret. He particularly likes her bralessness, adding that he likes a good natural -- or, he adds out of courtesy, unnatural -- breast. Farrah, however, is not so impressed. She thinks that Jamie looks like a heroin addict who was dressed by a couple of experimental monkeys. You know, sometimes I think that Farrah and Ashley should be writing these recaps. Jenny from team two is . She's looking pretty hot, and Bret says that the first thing he noticed was her... eyes. That is lies, but she does have nice eyes. Natasha thinks that Jamie looks like a tacky cross-dresser. As opposed to her elegant self with the nut-covering tutus. Finally we have team three's Kami. Bret appreciates the cleavage. Ashley is not so impressed. She says that Kami looks like Rosie O'Donnell if Rosie O'Donnell decided to put on makeup. I would go for Rachel Dratch, but let's just say that Ashley has a point. Kami swings herself around a pole, saying that she's never done it before. Her name is Kami with a K. I call bullshit.
And then it's time for Bret's decision. He says that his girls have done an amazing job on the three frumps. In fact, they may have done too good a job. He announces that they have a super-mega-tie, and he wants to take all three team captains on a date. And then Bret says he's about to say something that's going to get him shot. If "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" hasn't done it by now, I think nothing will. He's going to rock his ladies' world, and not in a good way. And he's going to do this by -- you guessed it -- inviting the three reformed frumps to join the tour. At first there is silence. And then some of the current contestants start clapping, while others look kind of stunned. Bret wonders why some of his original girls are clapping, given that these three might effectively replace them. I don't know. When the guy who you're trying to win over is already dating 15 other skanks, what's the difference in adding three more? Plus that's six more hands to help in giving Bret his dia-bee-tus shot in the ass if it comes to that. Farrah interviews that she's not upset since even after the makeovers the three new girls are heinous. Bret walks out of the room and interviews that his worst fears have been confirmed -- his girls aren't feeling it, and are really just there to party. Does this man have a mirror or a sense of hearing? In any case, he does have feelings, and they are hurt. Or else this is a ploy to finally get someone to boff him.
Once Bret exits, some of the girls start getting upset. Brittanya is pissed, and also quite possibly wasted. She doesn't want to compete with girls who are so far beneath her and, in fact, ugly like ass. Ashley is feeling very hurt and rejected and says it isn't cool, so she goes to talk to Bret. She tells him that she's devastated by the new additions. She's not there because she wants to party and have a good time, she says. She's there because she wants to get to know Bret. She starts to cry, and Bret is happy that she actually cares. I don't know how Bret is still single given that he clearly knows so much about building a healthy, functioning relationship. Bret also asks Ashley what's up with Natasha. Ashley's answer? "I think, honestly what I really think, is that she's a dude. I'm not trying to be mean." Ashley interviews that at first it was a joke, but now she's really starting to wonder. The main clue is that Natasha wears tutus all the time, ostensibly to hide her bulge. Ashley also points out that Natasha never wears jeans, which also means she's a man, and her real birth name was Nathaniel. I have to say, the tutus are pretty suspicious. Bret tells Ashley that he's really attracted to her. She wants to spend some time with him, and Bret tells her to see how the night unfolds. He thinks she's especially hot when she cries, and feels closer to her than ever before. Wanting to boff girls who come to him and weep is a total pattern for him. Bret says that, fuck the other girls, he's going to make time for Ashley. They make out sloppily as her Hello Kitty tattoo looks on in horror.
The new girls, meanwhile, put their luggage on the bus. They're all very excited, and some of them actually seem to like Bret. Weird! The team captains head off on their date, and the new girls have to get on the Pink Bus, much to the chagrin of Ashley. The newbies hang out with each other, which is sort of a safety precaution. Also, in case you hadn't figured it out, they were never really ugly. Except maybe for the Rachel Dratch one.
Bret takes the team captains -- Natasha, Farrah, and Mindy -- on a Gateway Arch Riverboat for their date. They'll have a few adult beverages and some city views. Farrah knows that she's going to be the one to stand out on the date, because her boobs are the biggest. Bret tells the girls that while he's had good party vibes with all of the original girls, the emotional connection has not been there. Farrah, in her studded dog collar necklace, looks at him quizzically. Mindy giddily interviews that she can't fault him for not feeling a connection because he hasn't gotten to know the best one yet. Well, he's going to get his chance as he takes Mindy to a corner of the boat. As she subtly tries to grab his crotch he tells her that she's beautiful. He says he wants her to start bringing it, and then the two of them start making out. Not surprisingly, she's starting to shine through for Bret.
The three new girls are then forced to go to a hotel with the rest of the contestants. They wonder if they should go try to strike up some conversation. Jennifer is not for it, but Jamie is intent on leading the pack to certain death. Kami walks up to Brittanya and introduces herself. Brittanya tells Kami that she's probably just there for TV, and Kami says she isn't. Kami interviews that she was intimidated, but feels that she has as much right to humiliate herself in front of a national audience as anyone else there. Brittanya eats Cheetos and scowls, like Britney Spears circa 2006, then tells Kami to get the fuck out of her face. Brittanya then goes totally crazy and both threatens violence and calls Kami an ugly-ass-ugly-fucking-whore. It's the extra superfluous "ugly" that really makes it, isn't it? Ashley, who's barely heard Brittanya talk at all, is kind of surprised at the outburst. Jamie wonders what she's gotten herself into, and notes that Bret's current gaggle of bitches are crazy. She adds, "No wonder he wanted new girls to come on."
Back on the riverboat, Bret takes Natasha and her tutu off for a one-on-one. Meanwhile, Farrah complains about having to share her date with man-voice and lame-ass. She feels like she got totally shafted from spending any time with Bret. Bret wears his sunglasses at night so he can cover up his crow's feet. Natasha tells him that he's the kind of guy who she can fall head over heels for. She notes, however, that he hasn't been as affectionate with her as he has with the other girls. Bret interviews that he and Natasha have awesome friend chemistry. But also, he doesn't want to know all there is to know about the crying game. He's totally wondering if Natasha is a dude. He wants to ask her directly, but ultimately chickens out. As the date ends he interviews that he's extremely confused. It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world, after all.
Bret returns to the hotel and wants to find out a bit about the three new girls. Kami reveals that she has a three-year old. See, these new women aren't so different than the old -- they too abandon their kids in hopes of creating a better life through banging an aging rock star! But before we can learn more, Beverly goes up and says she wants to know what the deal is with the new girls. Bret says that when he invited them to stay, a bunch of the original girls started clapping. He's really hung up on that, isn't he? Is it possible that Bret's desire to have 20 women vying for him at once stems from -- gasp! -- crippling insecurity? Will a new show called The Bret Pack follow him and a team of therapists/reconstructive surgeons as they delve into his psyche (shudder) and try to resolve his emotional issues? It's like Celebrity Rehab without the boring rehab part or the scary Jeff Conaway moments! Taya explains that at first she thought the new girls were just staying for the night to hang out, and then when her little brain put it all together she was less than pleased. Bret says if he was hot for somebody he wouldn't be happy if they were even going out on one date with someone else. Would he be happy if that person was dating 20 skanks at once, I wonder? Because that's what he's been doing for three consecutive seasons! He's clearly unhappy, and leaves. He wants to spend some time with someone he knows is there for him. And that someone is Ashley. Big John calls her out of her hotel room and onto Bret's bus where he effing plays one of his new songs for her on his 12-string. That's enough to convince me to buy that solo record, how about you? He also tells her that he likes her in a hot sexy girlfriend way. And then they start making out. Back in the hotel room, Beverly and Natasha are upset that Bret is banging Ashley all night. Beverly announces that she's sick of it and is just done. Oh, I'm sure if she sticks it out the time will come when he plays a crap song for her before banging her all night, too. Buck up, Li'l Bevs.
The morning, Ashley makes the walk of non-shame back to the hotel. Farrah asks her where the fuck she's been, but of course knows the answer. Ashley interviews that Farrah's her girl, and knows exactly what happened without Ashley having to say anything. Well, given that she looks like the cat who ate Bret Michaels' canary, it's not too hard to figure out. Ashley explains to Farrah that Bret was playing the guitar and singing her kick-ass songs. Farrah looks at the clock and wonders how many songs he has. Yeah, it only FEELS like it's been twelve hours when he plays his solo album for you. Farrah interviews that she's not jealous of Ashley. She just wishes she could have been there to participate or at least hold the video camera, for future fun times alone. I do love her.
The new girls get some Bret Mail with a side delivery of United Jeans, to help them look smoking hot, and an invitation for a date. Beverly interviews that some of the original girls haven't gotten the chance to go on a date with Bret yet. She's pissed and upset that she hasn't had enough quality time with Bret for him to see who she is. I think she's just mad that she's not the only one in the house who's not a total whorebag anymore. Bret enters to collect the new girls, who he notes are looking hot. In the limo, they share stories of the drama in the house, including the time when Brittanya went ape-shit on Kami. Bret thinks that Brittanya being upset could be a good thing. However, the fact that she didn't care if she went home could be a bad thing. Bret takes the girls to the bowling alley, which is kind of an awesome date. As they have beers and bowling alley food, Bret notes that he's had more fun on this date than his others combined. That's what a good chicken finger will do to you.
Later, Bret works out. He loves to show us how he works that rowing machine, doesn't he? Because there's nothing sexier than a man in sweatpants! Brittanya, who's a bit nervous about elimination, enters. She is wearing an outfit that appears to be fashioned entirely out of tinfoil. A very small amount of tinfoil. Whatever that foilage is, says Bret, it's hot. Hey, Bret used the word "foilage" correctly for once! He adds that it's a scientific fact that women know how to use the sex card to keep a relationship perky. He might have a point, because Brittanya basically sits there in her foil dress and barely says a word. She doesn't have to as her boobs are doing the talking for her. To his credit, Bret says that if they don't strike up some sort of a conversation soon, this isn't going to go very far. It must be a strange feeling to be too dumb for Bret Michaels. Finally, Brittanya talks about how pissed she was about the addition of the new girls. Bret wants to hear that she's there for the right reasons. Brittanya hopes that he knows that already. She interviews that the physical connection is definitely there, but she still doesn't know about, and I quote, "[Pause.] What's that called. Mental? [Laugh. Pause.] Emotional? Yeah, yeah, okay. But I'm still really concerned that the emotional connection isn't there." Bret gives her a hug, and a giant censor box has to cover her side boob. I love that her defining personality trait is shyness.
With that, it's elimination time! Bret first announces that all of the new girls get to stay on the tour and continue to rock his world. Ashley announces, "That's lame." She feels better about things when Bret calls her to stay, though. Bret calls Mindy, Taya, Beverly, Kelsey, and Farrah, who is pretty upset that so many lame girls got called before her. This of course leaves Brittanya and Natasha. Bret says that he's still trying to figure out if Brittanya really wants to be there. He adds that he and Natasha have a great connection, but he really isn't looking for chicks with dicks. Thus, Natasha is eliminated. Bret tells her that in a different world they really would have hooked up and had a great time. So to clarify, he's not looking for chicks with dicks when he's being filmed. Got it. Natasha tells Bret that he's a beautiful man, and she hopes that he finds the person who's right for him. Surprisingly classy! As an endnote, Bret lets us know that all the smack Ashley was talking about Natasha did not affect his decision. They had a great connection, but unfortunately only as friends. He wishes her well, and we're out.