Cheeseburger in Paradise

S03E04

Back at Rock Bottom, the date crew sits down to lunch. Beverly is trying to figure out when the best time would be to bring up the whole drummer kiss fiasco. But first Ashley quite deviously tells Bret how nice her BFF Marcia was to give his front-row fans her Bret-gifted bracelet. Marcia explains that they were super fans, and deserved it more than she did. Bret says that he's bummed because he wanted her to have it as a gift from him, but in another sense it's really cool that she did that because it shows that she has a good heart. That last part is all lip service, though, and he interviews that this definitely sends him a signal. A bad signal.

And then Bret asks what was going on last night with "activity" in the aftershow, particularly the bit where somebody was trying to make out with the drummer. Beverly quite awkwardly says, "Okay. If that hap...I honestly..." and Bret just replies, "Nice." She doesn't think that she kissed him, she says, and Ashley jumps in with a curt, "I saw you." Beverly isn't saying that Ashley is lying, but she is saying that she doesn't remember it. However, if it happened, she admits, it wasn't cool. This is an awesome line of defense, isn't it? Bret tells Beverly that if she invited him to her show, no matter how drunk he got he wouldn't make out with her friends. Her sisters and cousins and Grandma Ethel, yes. But friends are off limits.

It's elimination time! Mindy says she's one of the few girls who hasn't gotten a date with Bret, and needs to have a discussion with him as to why her demeanor isn't now as chipper as it was previously. Beverly thinks that she's probably going to get cut, which sucks since she doesn't want to go out like this. "Like this" being "like a drummer-kissing hobag." Bret enters and says that it's now very clear to him what he needs to do. He calls the following girls to stay: Ashley, Natasha, Farrah, Kelsey, Taya, and Brittanya. This leaves Marcia, Beverly and Mindy. Bret says what he needs to do is painfully obvious and sends Big John away. Because he wants privacy with his millions of viewers? Bret tells Marcia that she's a beautiful girl with a beautiful soul, but that the two of them have a missed connection. He tells Mindy that he cares about her and is attracted to her, and is trying to get to the level of emotional connection. He wonders if she's attracted to him or if she wants to move on. And finally, Bret tells Beverly again that he would not make out with her friends if she invited him to a party at her house. He would not kiss her friends, or hug her friends, or lick their faces. I find it disturbing that he had to clarify that last bit. He says it was painful for him to hear of the drummer-kiss from everyone but Beverly. He was probably making out with Brittanya at the time. But Beverly is distressed that Bret has the completely wrong impression of her.

The remaining girls get a note from Bret about their destination: "Rise and Shine my Gorgeous 9. Bright Lights and Big Cities lay ahead. The tour rolls to Chicago where you will watch me play and I will watch your every move. Make sure to dress to impress for the big show. See you in the Windy City!" I don't know why random shit is capitalized like the Bret Mail is in German or something. Taya is psyched about the "dress to impress" instruction, and says that this is going to be hot. The dressing to impress happens on the bus, and involves a lot of lace-up see-through underwear. Marcia asks Beverly if she'd like to do a shot, and Beverly declines saying that she'd like to stay "not fucked up." See how she's leaving herself some leeway in her intentions, there? Marcia doesn't mind drinking alone. And drinking alone. And drinking alone. She moons the girls on the other bus, because her crack is whack.

In Chicago Bret is playing -- you guessed it -- a casino! The girls walk through the slot areas in their freaking lingerie like a bunch of crackhead gambling addict hookers who don't know or care that it's 11 a.m. and they've left the house without putting on pants or a shirt. They enter the empty concert hall where Bret is on stage, strumming his acoustic. He is wearing a camouflage high-necked Poison wifebeater. In fact, it almost looks like a mock turtleneck, which is not very rock n' roll at all. He drops a surprise on the girls -- it's time for the roadie challenge. He introduces them to his long-time stage manager, Joey Stumpo. He looks like a stumpo, conveniently enough. Joey's job is to make sure that the girls complete their challenge and remain unharmed. Taya points out that they're not dressed appropriately for this challenge whatsoever, which is probably the point. As my friend Matthew pointed out, it's their stupid-skank fault for thinking that lingerie is impressive apparel. The girls will divide into two teams, and each team will dismantle a stage and bring everything out to a trailer. Stumpo gives the girls boots to help ward off injury. Oh, man, someone is totally going to pop another implant. Taya tells us that this is her challenge. She grew up around her dad (OMG MAYBE BRET IS HER DAD!!!!) in bands, and knows how to strike a stage.

To determine teams, the girls have to draw colored picks. There is one special green pick, which Marcia gets. Team one is Ashley, Beverly, Brittanya and Natasha. Ashley hopes that having two dudes on her team will give them an edge in the challenge. Team two features Taya, Farrah, Mindy and Kelsey. The winning team gets VIP treatment at Bret's concert, along with a skankoriffic date the following day. The losing team gets nothing. Marcia, as the green pick picker, automatically gets VIP treatment along with the winning team. As a bonus, she gets a continuous nipple blur! All class, that one. The challenge begins. Mindy has an immediate crisis, which is that she has to pee really badly. Unless she's so shitfaced that she's soiling herself and putting everyone at risk for an electrical fire, no one wants to hear it.

While everyone wraps cords and breaks down the equipment, Bret wonders where Mindy is. She is, of course, in the bathroom, and everyone else is kind of mad at her for being so lame. Taya calls herself the unofficial leader of her team, and wraps cords with vigor and a full-on black censor bar. Bret tells Taya that she's rocking, but needs to take it easy because she's too sexy to get hurt. And then Taya falls right the hell backwards off the stage, getting her left leg kind of hooked on the corner of the stage as she does. The moment is replayed about 16 times in a two-minute span. And then she just pops right back up on stage and goes back to work! It takes a true Penthouse Pet to emerge unscathed from an incident involving a stage between her legs. Bret likes Taya's grit, and Taya's something-that-rhymes-with-grit, plural. It's amazing that she fell off the stage and not one boob popped out! Or popped.

Despite Taya's tough exterior, however, she interviews that she's actually hurt pretty badly. In a moment she starts crying as she's dismantling gear. Stumpo tries to take a minute to check her out, but Taya won't have it. He wants her to calm the fuck down, but is too polite to say so. And then Taya starts crying harder. She does this with the professional skill that she's been taught -- on all fours with pulsating rump. Ever a supportive teammate, Farrah runs over to Taya and screams at her to get the fuck up. She thinks that Taya's a baby whose sobbing ways are going to allow the other team to win. Ashley interviews, "Bret's a rock star, and if you want to date a rock star then you'd better get used to falling off the stage, bitch." I heart Ashley and Farrah, but not in a way that I'd actually ever want to be in the same room with them.

While the two teams battle it out, Marcia takes Bret aside for some one-on-one time. Bret notes her ever-so-sexy smell of Doritos and tequila, and says he can't help but be turned on by her. Also, her boobs are sticking out and she's wearing a black wedding veil. Perhaps if you experienced her in person you'd be drawn to her vaguely vomity essence as well. Marcia reminds Bret that she's been drunk each time they've interacted. It turns out this might be a good thing, because when she's (relatively?) sober, she does things like call him aside to tell him that she's not yet in love with him. Bret thinks this is reasonable, and says that he's not in love with any of the girls either, though he is in lust. Marcia, however, is not even in lust since she doesn't even know Bret. Bret thinks that's a problem and is turned off. I marvel at how Marcia has suddenly become the most sensible of the bunch! She interviews that it's hard to have a connection with somebody when you don't even talk to them, or don't remember the times when you have talked to them. Bret deals with this the way he deals with all conversations featuring emotional issues: he turns his attention to the half-naked girls.

Meanwhile, the competition is neck and neck! But in the end the red team wins. That's Ashley, Natasha, Beverly, and Brittanya. Sore loser Mindy immediately starts complaining that no matter how hard you try you'll lose. She thinks it's a game of how cute you look while doing something, versus whether you can actually do it. Well, then try being cuter. Wah wah. In the words of Natasha, "Boo frickin' hoo."

The winning team leaves to commence their VIP treatment. They enter a room filled with presents from Bret -- slutty dresses and jewelry. They open a bottle of champagne and Ashley laments that Farrah has to hang out with the dorks. Farrah is lamenting the same thing, and can't stand Taya and Mindy's whiny-ass-bitch ways. The losers mope, and Bret tells them that one of them is going to get to join the VIP crew. They each get a phone at random, and whoever hears a stupid Bret Michaels song when she dials wins. And the winner is Kelsey. This of course only provides further bitterness and cause for whining for Mindy and Taya.

Kelsey joins the VIP folks. Ashley would like for Farrah to be there, but is happy that at least she doesn't have to deal with Taya and Mindy. Speaking of Farrah, Taya and Mindy, they are escorted to shitty general admission seats for Bret's concert and suffer the ignominy of being denied lip gloss and a hairbrush. The VIP girls look out on the audience -- which seems to feature a bunch of empty seats -- from the stage and Ashley notes that Mindy is being lame as usual. Mindy pouts and pouts and interviews that she feels like a loser, and is the only one who is really there for Bret Michaels. Well, then she's right to feel like a loser.

The concert begins! This time it's Brittanya who needs the black censor bar as her boobs are most likely flying all over the place. Again. Double-stick tape makers should sponsor this show. Bret begins the concert with the theme song to Rock of Love. Beverly knows all the words, which is a very misguided source of pride for her. She interviews that she's the only one who knows and enjoys his songs or is having fun at the concert, aside from the fun to be had in slutting it up with the other girls as the black censor bar tries to keep up. She says, "If you can't appreciate his music, then why the hell are you here?" I say, if you can appreciate his music, why the hell aren't you at some sort of rehab for the sonically impaired?

The VIP girls run on stage at an appointed time, and Ashley tells us that seeing Bret on stage made her want to eff him. Farrah, meanwhile, is in misery standing with Mindy and Taya but resolves to enjoy the concert anyway. Bret looks out from the stage and sees Farrah and Taya rocking out, and Mindy being lame and standing there like someone killed her grandma's dog and made him into a wig for Bret Michaels. Marcia interviews that she was having fun on stage when she noticed a couple of diehard Bret Michaels fans in the front row. She gives them the gift that Bret gave to all the VIP winners, and notes that they were very happy about it. Natasha, however, doesn't think that Bret will like her giving away the gift that he gave especially to her. Methinks Marcia doesn't actually care, which makes me like her even more.

After the concert the girls all head to Push, a bar that's part of the Horseshoe Casino. Big John enters to tell them that Bret's wiped out and so won't be joining them. Maybe his dia-BEE-tus is acting up? The girls decide to engage in a night of boozing, and members of the Bret Michaels Band join them. Beverly strikes up a friendly conversation with Bret's drummer and joins him in doing a shot of Jagermeister. Ashley spies the two of them across the room and drunkenly slurs something unintelligible. What does ring loud and clear is a caustic, "Bitch!" yelled in Beverly's direction. Ashley interviews that she's pissed that Beverly is all over Bret's drummer. Another member of Bret's band asks Ashley and Farrah if they're going to be a two-for-one kind of deal, much like Bret wanted with Jes and Heather in season one. Without missing a beat they start making out with each other. A nearby croupier cracks up. At least the members of the band and the casino employees get a little entertainment for the evening.

Ashley starts to ask the band member who witnessed her kiss with Farrah if he's mad at her, but is interrupted by her own proclamation that she just saw Beverly make out with the drummer. We then do, in fact, get a quick, grainy shot of Beverly kissing the drummer. You know, just like Ashley just kissed Farrah, but with much less tongue. Ashley starts to scream that she's going to fuck Beverly up. She then interrogates the drummer, asking if Beverly was not, in fact, trying to get up on his...mix? Brittanya interviews that she did not see Beverly kiss the drummer, but wouldn't be surprised if it happened since Beverly had been tippling to an extreme degree. Ashley calls Beverly a bitch again as the drummer stands nearby and laughs. Well that's not very gentlemanly of him! Ashley interviews that she's pissed that Beverly's being a whore, given that she's lucky to be there in the first place. It is not cool to make out with Bret's friends, she says. Unless those friends are other chicks, I assume.

Beverly goes up to Ashley to ask why she's so upset, and Ashley will not even look at her. The only response she gives is to repeatedly slur, "I want a cheeseburger." Awesome. Beverly asks Ashley what she saw. Ashley wants a cheeseburger. Farrah interjects that Ashley saw Beverly making out with the drummer. Beverly denies it, but Ashley is firm in her conviction. Beverly starts to wonder if she blacked out. Conveeeenient.

Back on the bus, Ashley is some kind of a pukey mess. I hope for her sake that she never actually got that cheeseburger. Mindy says that when they got to their hotel in Chicago, she was completely humiliated to be associated with the rest of the drunken idiots in her posse. And she's not easily humiliated, given that she doesn't seem to mind wearing a gold lame bikini as she wheels her luggage into the lobby. I mean, just step back for a minute and ask yourself: what is wrong with these people? Ashley interviews that she was drunk and puking, but that's the life of a rock star. In her drunken state she muses, "Get over it. People puke. And they poop their pants." Sometimes simultaneously! I bet Ashley knows all about that. You might think that her puke/poop proclamation couldn't be topped, but then we get to the coda: "I puke on your mom. Your mom loves it." I mean, she's genius.

The morning Taya complains that she pulled her groin muscles and her ass has a huge bruise. I'd think that she'd be used to this by now, yes? Beverly, who finally gets a nipple blur of her own, isn't feeling so hot after all the drinks of the night. Natasha tells her that she was making out with some dude, and Beverly is surprised to hear it and says she wasn't. Ashley, who is quite a sight to see first thing in the morning before she's spackled on her makeup, is positive that she saw Beverly and the drummer kissing, and then threw a chip at them. Beverly is pissed off, and wants to talk to Bret to clear up the situation. That should go well.

Big John enters with Bret Mail. Marcia reads it, in a completely unintelligible fashion. It's possible that this is because English is her second language, but it's also possible that, at 8 a.m., she's already drunk. In any case, she, Ashley, Beverly, Brittanya and Natasha head out for their date with Bret. They go to Rock Bottom, where they sample some of Bret's brew. Bret likes the combination of smoking hot ladies and ice cold beer. Meanwhile, back at home, Farrah points out to Mindy that she was visibly not having any fun at Bret's concert. Mindy explains that she was upset, but Farrah and Taya tell her that if Bret saw her from the stage she's screwed. Farrah says that even if she were upset because she hadn't had time with Bret, she'd still act like she was having fun. Mindy says she's not good at acting, and Taya replies, "You do what you've gotta do, I guess." And, bingo. Pin your tail back on, Eeyore!

Bret then tells Beverly and Mindy to get back on the bus and bring their a-game in the days to come. Beverly is shocked that Bret didn't get rid of her, and Mindy has a new lease on life. Bret tells us that Marcia has more of a connection with her bottle of tequila than she does with him. Plus, he has absolute feelings for Mindy and Beverly, despite the fact that they're weird and/or maybe make out with his friends. Marcia exit interviews that she didn't have time to hang out with Bret, but actually stumbles when she says his name then admits she was going to say Chad. Awesome. She had a great time and enjoyed all the free tequila. I believe Marcia treated this whole experience like going to an all-inclusive. Back on the bus, Bret and the girls toast to Marcia, and Bret hopes that she has an awesome life and finds the man or woman of her dreams. Yeah, because if she doesn't want to bone him she's totally a dyke. The bus rolls on, and we fade out.

time: Saint Louis! There's apparently a challenge that takes place in a strip club. There's some sort of monkey-wrench twist in the game that upsets a whole bunch of girls, and someone is secretly engaged!

Potes pukes on your mom, and your mom loves it. Send her a cheeseburger at potesypotes@gmail.com.

Discuss the ladies and their cheeseburgers (total euphemism) in the Rock of Love forums!