Previously: Mud n' boobs! And Daisy was the muddiest and most boobiful of all. Ambre had some banged-up knees, and not for the reasons you think, you pervs. Catherine was upset that she traveled here all the way from 1966 and hasn't gotten to spend much quality time with Bret, while Kristy Joe is super-familiar with the guy at the County Clerk's office who issues restraining orders.
The girls get a wake-up call from none other than Mr. Michaels himself, who sleeps in a Steelers t-shirt (represent!) and a wig/bandana/hat combo. Think how happy his scalp will be when, one day, he allows it to experience oxygen. Peyton rolls out of bed, and Bret tells her that she looks like a ray of sunshine. A ray of sunshine who smokes three packs a day. Peyton hides her face. Good call. She reminds us that Bret eliminated no one last week, which means that two bitches are going to have to hitch a ride home from a dentally-challenged trucker this week. There's not a whole lot of room for mistakes. Bret rips the covers off of Kristy Joe, who sleeps in a sports bra. People who sleep in bras, tell me one thing: why? Bret promises the ladies that today is going to be a good day.
Big John delivers Bret Mail: "Good morning my little ladies/My heart belongs to rock n' roll/But the country boy is still in my soul." Okay, I have to stop the Bret Mail here and interject that Bret grew up in Pittsburgh. I grew up in Pittsburgh too, and while people there shoot a lot of deer, I don't think that qualifies it as being "country." But I digress. The Bret Mail continues: "I love to ride and be in the wild/I need a girl who can do it in style/So pull up your boots and put on your hats/And meet me downstairs in one hour flat." Woo, horses! Catherine tells us that she grew up on horses. I'll bet there were knights jousting on them, too. She's psyched that she might finally be about to catch a break. You know, if I were a betting woman, I'd put $50 on the fact that Catherine hasn't bought a new pair of jeans since 1972.
The girls pull up to a big rodeo arena place, where Bret meets them. He interviews that there's a lot of country left in this long-haired (HA!) rocker boy, and that if any of these girls can't handle themselves in the corral, they won't ride off into the sunset with little old him. Bret is wearing his lopsided wig, which is, I guess, what wranglers do. Catherine notes that she and Jessica are the only women who haven't gone on a date with Bret, and that if she doesn't get to spend some time with him now, she's going home.
And then! World's best thing! To help him out with this challenge, Bret invited back a very good friend of his. One with a cackling hellish laugh. And it is....RODEO!!!!!!!!!! She comes in a-riding and a-laughing. Finally, her dream of riding a horse...on Bret's laaaaaand...has come true. Bret calls Rodeo a woman of stature and insanity. And, I may add, abject greatness. Rodeo tells the women that they look great...not. Oh, Rodeo! Such a card. She cracks herself up, which goes a little something like this: "Nnn HUH HUH HUH HUH! Nnn huh HUH HUH HUH!" Oh, "Nnn HUH HUH HUH HUH! Nnn huh HUH HUH HUH!" How I've missed copying and pasting you. Rodeo then says that she's just playing, and tells the ladies for real that they look beautiful. Have I mentioned the large quantities of cleavage and chaps that Rodeo is displaying? The Lifetime Original Movie that is just about Rodeo will indeed be called Cleavage N' Chaps: The Rock N' Rodeo Story.
Rodeo welcomes the women to Rodeo's Rock N' Rodeo Relay. If Elmer Fudd were hired to orally recap this show, he would be crying right about now. The contestants will be divided up into two teams, and the team that wins the relay will win a date with Bret. Rodeo and Bret will decide on the MVP, and that person will win a very special one-on-one date with Bret. The first relay event is riding and roping, in which the girls will have to rope a big plastic steer head. Better than kittens, I guess. Then they'll have to ride around some barrels with photos of Season 1 contestants on the top. Hey Brandi M.! Finally, the women will have to retrieve bandanas off of greased pigs. Well, that one will have some tactile familiarity, at least. The first team to get four bandanas off the greased pigs will win the rodeo. And then if they trade their victory for what's behind Door #2, they'll win Rodeo, in a giant-sized rocking chair, and a lifetime supply of Knorr soup mix.
Catherine and Ambre have the most riding experience, and volunteer to be the team captains. Catherine, whose team will be Blue, chooses Inna Tuna, Peyton, and Daisy, while Ambre, whose team will be Red, picks Destiney, Kristy Joe, and Jessica. These means that Megan is left out yet again. She thinks that the other girls didn't pick her because they're jealous, and adds that they don't know what it's like to go through life with the turmoil of hotness. I actually think it's because they largely -- and, most likely, correctly -- believe that she's useless. But Megan is the ultimate winner, because she gets to choose which team she wants to be on. She goes with Catherine's team, since Catherine has been bragging all morning that she's one with the horse or whatever.
Ambre and her team make a plan. Kristy Joe will do the lassoing, Ambre will take care of the barrel racing, and Jessica and Destiney will pig-wrestle because they weren't injured at the Mud Bowl. Once they get a hot armful of slick pig, they'll wish they had been. For Team Blue, Peyton is going to lasso the cow, Catherine is going to do the barrel racing, and the rest of the team will de-scarf some pigs. Catherine is confident that her team has this in the bag.
The rodeo begins! Peyton and Kristy Joe rope their cows at about equal speed, and are both pretty surprised to learn that their horses have run off. Ambre wonders where in the heck the horses are going. Probably across the lot to see what's going on with Flav. Except for the one with the tranquilizer addiction. He's off to cavort with Dr. Drew and company. Ambre and Catherine take off for the barrel racing leg. As Catherine rounds the corner, she and Ambre cross paths. Catherine explains that she could have cut Ambre off, but says it might have spooked the horse. If that picture of Lacey didn't do it, I would venture that the horse is unspookable. In any case, Catherine made the decision to go around Ambre. It only took a couple of seconds extra, but Catherine wonders if that will screw her team in the end.
The teams are pretty much neck and neck, which means it all comes down to the pig wrestling. Inna Tuna knows how to handle a greased pig, and gets the first scarf. Destiney follows, and Megan proves her worth by getting a bandana as well. Bret is having a great time watching all of this, and I'm sure that the combination of boobs n' pigs really turns him on. When Daisy enters the ring for the Blue Team, she conjectures that these pigs must have gone to college or something, because they're smarter than they look. I would actually love to see achievement data for the greased pigs compared to the aggregate of Season 1 and 2 Rock Of Love contestants. Let me assure you that the pig/ho achievement gap is very real. It comes down to Inna Tuna versus Jessica. Inna is having a hard time, despite her willingness to dive face-first into mud and pig feces. She says that the last pig is a slippery little fucker.
Jessica manages to get the final red bandana, and Ambre's team wins! Jessica is so happy, and interviews that, at some point, you have to win -- you can't always lose. Cut to Catherine. She can't believe she's lost her fourth challenge in a row, and thinks that she's getting sent back home in the DeLorean. Peyton is also devastated. Bret announces that he and Rodeo chose Jessica as the MVP. So tonight Destiney, Ambre, and Kristy Joe will have their group date, and tomorrow Bret and Jessica will have at it with some solo time. As the women head home, Bret assures us that no greased pigs were harmed in the making of this episode. Except for the one that got stuck in Daisy's cleavage and will be traumatized for life.
Back at home, Catherine feels like she's on death row. She's so depressed that she lies on her bed with her cowboy boots still on. Ambre is still all banged up, but she won't let a little thing like open wounds interfere with her time with Bret. Cut to the smokers' lounge, where Catherine is whining to Peyton and Inna. Inna tells her not to freak out, and then interviews that it sucks, but that "she" deserves to go home. Really, Inna could be talking about anyone. Wah wah horsecakes. Peyton tries to comfort Catherine, but not in a '60s soft-porn vampire movie way. Yet.
It's date time! Bret collects Kristy Joe, Ambre, and a particularly whorish Destiney. Destiney is psyched, but wishes that Kristy Joe wasn't on the date with them because she's full of shit and Destiney doesn't like her. Plus, Kristy Joe refuses to try on the shoes Destiney got at Ye Olde Drag Queen Shoppe. Uppity. I am seriously amazed, though, that no one has yet thought to call this bitch "Kristy Ho." Heather and her tatters would have been all over that. Bret takes the girls to a restaurant called Opaque, where you dine finely in total darkness. While normally I think I would have a panic attack caused by imagining that I'm biting down on dozens of poached cockroaches, in this situation the lack of vision has certain advantages. Their server is blind. Yay for equal opportunity? He leads them to their table in the dark. Kristy Joe interviews that she's determined to have fun. How awkward is it going to be when two feminine hands bump into each other while going for a squeeze of Bret's balls?
Kristy Joe gets the seat of honor to Bret, and uses it to her full advantage. While Ambre prattles on about something or other, a night-vision camera allows us to see Kristy Joe sticking her tongue in Bret's ear, nuzzling his neck, sucking his finger (and if there's a better way to contract MRSA, I haven't heard of it), etc. Eventually, Ambre notices Bret's utter lack of responsiveness to her conversational efforts, and asks what's going on. She tells us that it was pitch black, and that all she could hear was some rustling. Bret acknowledges to everyone that Kristy Joe just pinched his nipples. She then kind of kicks him. She's like an overexcited cat. One minute it's all happy purring, and the you have teeth marks on your hand and a bloody forearm. Bret tells us that, after a certain point, it started to turn him off a little bit.
Eventually, the blind waiter comes over and asks whether anyone would like to switch seats. Kristy Joe says that she's good, and Destiney replies, "Don't be selfish, bitch!" Michael helps Destiney up, and the night-vision camera operators get a primo cooch shot. Seriously, her dress is so short that I don't think there's any way it could cover the entire labia majora. Destiney and Ambre switch seats, so that Ambre can get some time to Bret. And then Destiney and Kristy Joe go to the bathroom together, leaving Ambre and Bret alone. Ambre wastes no time in telling Bret that she wants to kiss him, and there is lots of slurping and heavy breathing and whatnot. And at one point, Ambre totally has her eyes open! It's all very Britney And Kevin: Chaotic and is generally what gonorrhea looks like. Ambre thinks it's the hottest and sexiest kiss ever, and thinks, "I hope this is Bret I'm kissing." Wouldn't it be quite a twist if it were actually Ed Asner? Ambre wants to keep this special moment a secret. Kristy Joe and Destiney return. Bret and the girls leave, and the restaurant owners are left to fumigate.
The group returns home, where the other girls are waiting, drunk and scantily clad, to get themselves a little piece of Bret, or a piece of little Bret. Bret knows that the other girls are feeling ignored, but says that he needs to spend some time with Kristy Joe. There's something about her, he says, that he needs to figure out. Basically, he wants to know whether she's a psycho or not. He's been in the data collection phase of this research project for quite a while now, hasn't he? The other girls see K.J. disappear into Bret's room, and are pissed.
In his room, Bret asks Kristy Joe if she's real, or if she's fucking around with him. She replies that she's messing with his head, and laughs. Bret's heart -- and other parts, I'm sure -- are telling him to keep Kristy Joe, but his head is wondering if she's emotionally available. He tells Kristy Joe that he doesn't want her to go, but he can't keep her there if she's still in love with the guy she is/was married to. Bret rambles that if Kristy Joe wants to be there, she needs to show him. She says that's exactly what she was doing on the date. Bret interviews that Kristy Joe is completely emotionally unstable. However, he loves crazy girls, and she's turning him on. Didn't they have this conversation a bunch of times a few episodes ago? Snore. Bret wants Kristy Joe to stay in his room and...snuggle with him? Seriously? I guess he's secretly a teddy bear in a wig. Kristy Joe agrees, as long as he locks the door. He says that the door will be so locked.
Back to the other girls, who are still fuming. Destiney thinks it's totally unfair that Bret went on a date with Kristy Joe AND is now spending the night with her. Daisy is feeling the pains of being Yesterday's Whore. Apparently, she says, Bret and Kristy Joe are already in love or something, and she wants to give up. Meanwhile, Bret and Kristy Joe make out. Daisy stays up all night crying/keeping watch. At 4:21 AM, Kristy Joe sneaks out of Bret's room. She interviews that she's falling for Bret and is starting to feel a connection. She's scared. I'd be more scared of choking on a wayward implant that's been shoved down your throat, K.J. God knows some of these girls have a few to spare.
The morning, Catherine cooks breakfast in a leopard-print negligee. It's something Sue Ellen Ewing would have done in her prime, for sure. Catherine's making breakfast in bed for Bret as a last-ditch attempt to horn in a little time with him. Or, as Megan narrates, to force Bret to look at her. Megan thinks that Bret should put Catherine out of her misery and send her to the glue factory. Catherine enters Bret's room to find him sleeping like a baby who just got laid by Kristy Joe. Catherine wakes him up and puts the tray of vittles in front of him. Bret tells us that, although one of the initial rules of the house was not to come in his room unless Big John gave them permission, he's now not minding it so much and in fact likes that some of the girls are making an effort to get to know him. Catherine, for her part, wants Bret to know that he shouldn't base his eliminations on the challenges. He should, however, base his eliminations on the fact that Catherine is wearing sheer black hose with her leopard-print negligee. Bret has to go, but makes out with Catherine a little bit just to be nice.
And then it's time for Jessica's solo date! She says that this date is going to make or break her. Jessica seems very cute, and I wonder what on earth she's doing on this show. She tells us that her worst fear is that there won't be a connection with Bret. There's definitely some physical chemistry, but she worries that maybe there's nothing else there. I don't know. I'd feel relieved not to have a mental connection with Bret Michaels. Turns out Bret and Jessica are playing outdoor paintball. Is that environmentally safe? They shoot some targets, and Jessica lays a big smooch on him. Bret thinks this is going to be a very good date. After target practice, Bret and Jessica suit up in their camouflage gear, and we learn that their opponent is going to be Big John. Turns out he is a former U.S. Marine and was a sniper. He gets to shoot at them from a tower. Something tells me that a dream of Big John's is coming true right now. So is Jessica's: she can imagine nothing better than to make out in a field full of paint and guns and sweat. I take back my implication that she's too good to be on this show.
Bret and Jessica's mission is to hit three targets and avoid getting shot. Bret loves that Jessica is game for the game, and she does a pretty good job of hitting some targets. Bret gets hit by Big John. Jessica wails, "Breeeeeeeeeetttttttt!," but manages to have enough sense to shoot the third and final target. Good times, good times. After the match, Bret and Jessica have a sunset dinner on the side of a hill. Bret asks Jessica whether she has real feelings for him, and she says he makes her feel safe. He wonders if safe is sexy. McGruff thinks so. Didn't you ever wonder what's under that trenchcoat? Jessica clarifies that Bret's strong. Like, strong in the way that he's going to throw her down on the bed and ravage her. Between this statement and Catherine's negligee, I feel like we're suddenly all part of a Danielle Steel novel. Need I mention the swarthy Italian count-turned-plumber who just showed up at the door to inspect my pipes? A bead of sweat dripped down from his manly tanned jawline to his bulging bicep as he crouched under my sink, cranking his wrench with expert, firm hands. But I digress. Bret notes that Jessica's sweet and innocent side is melting away quickly. As quickly as the ice cube that Count Mozzarella touched to the tip of his tongue as he laid down his tools and appraised me favorably in my sheer black chemise.
Back at the house, Daisy and Megan drag lawn chairs outside of Bret's bedroom door to ensure that he will see them when he gets home. Bret and Jessica enter talking about how fun their date was. Peyton runs up to Bret and puts a note in his hand. The hell? Knock it off with the notes, woman. I'd boot her just for that. The other girls run up to Bret all sexily dressed. Jessica tells us that she was pretty worried about being eliminated before she had her date with Bret, but that she's feeling golden now. Bret seems happy to see Megan and Daisy, but he has some business to attend to. Daisy hopes that he hasn't forgotten about her.
Eliminations! Kristy Joe is feeling very confident and thinks that she and Bret will be able to start connecting on a deeper level. Inna is worried that her connection with Bret is fading. Catherine is a big loser when it comes to getting dates. Bret enters. I think he let Inna apply his eyeliner. Daisy interviews that she wants to stay in the house until she and Bret are in love, and then have to move out of the house. The pig/ho achievement gap widens with each passing moment of this show.
Jessica is called first to stay, and is very happy. Destiney interviews that Jessica is too sweet and innocent to date someone like Bret. Spoken like a woman who doesn't know the meaning of the word "ravage." is a woman who kisses amazingly in the dark. Kristy Joe smiles. But the joke is on you, dicksucker whorebag, because it's Ambre who is called! Daisy, looking extra plastic-y, is called , followed by Megan. is a girl Bret thinks is a super hot rock chick. Peyton smiles widely. But the joke is on you, dicktucker snorebag, because it's Destiney who is called. Peyton says she's more than a super-hot rock chick. She wants another chance. The camera pans to Peyton, whose chest is either really, really sweaty or covered in baby oil. Maybe she's taking hotness tips from the slick pigs? They probably got a book deal right out of college. And then Kristy Joe is called. Inna Tuna wants to kill her. Kristy Joe notices that the energy in the room changes whenever she gets a pass, and says that Bret likes her and the other ladies need to get the heck over it.
It's down to Peyton, Catherine, and Inna Tuna for the last pass. Peyton thinks that a miracle pulled out of a hat would be the only thing to save her. Maybe the glistening on her chest is the tears of Baby Jesus? One side of Catherine's brain is saying that she's going home, while another is telling her not to give up. The third side is planning how she'll impress Bret with her mastery of the Mashed Potato and Hand Jive if she stays. Bret tells the women that his decision was difficult, but is based on how he feels. He calls Inna Tuna to him and asks her if she's attracted to him. She says of course she is. He notes that she was very strong at the beginning, but that he's been losing her a bit. He wonders in an interview where his Ukranian Love Tank has gone. Nonetheless, Inna Tuna gets a pass. This of course means that Peyton and Catherine are out.
Bret stares at Peyton's sweaty chest and tells her that she looks absolutely beautiful, before spewing some bullshit about not wanting to lose her as a friend. Peyton is very upset. She thinks that she and Bret had the makings of an incredible passionate couple. Eh. If Melissa Etheridge weren't already taken, I'd suggest that Peyton might want to go that route. Janis Ian might still be available. Bret then calls Catherine to him. She's all sweaty in the chest, too! Maybe she and Peyton were having hot flashes? Bret says that he didn't get to know Catherine as well as he got to know some of the other girls. Plus, he hates old chicks. Catherine walks off and is now wearing white shoes with sheer black pantyhose. She deserves to be booted, man. She holds it together as she says that there are people in the house who don't want this as much as she does, and that Bret will have to figure that out for himself. I am dying to get this woman on What Not To Wear or some Oprah-sponsored makeover show. Anybody?