Previously: Kristy Joe had some effing issues. But not as many as Aubrey, the sacrificial trans, who volunteered to leave to give Kristy Joe another shot at touching Bret's backstage pass. It's a lot less poetic when you find out that Aubrey was set to get the boot anyway. Still, the bitch knows how to make a dramatic exit.
It is morning. The girls wake and apply their makeup with a paint roller. Peyton tells us that if she doesn't make headway now -- and I think we all know the way in which head is important on this show -- it might be too late. Big John, with his hair slicked back and a big smile on his face, delivers Bret Mail. It goes as such: "Good morning, my divine nine / Some of you are sweet and some of you are flirty / But what I really want is a girl who can get dirty / So grab your gear, get ready to play tough / Because today is going to be rough. / Love, Bret." Catherine tells us that she's from Montana, and has been getting dirty her whole life. Don't get her started about the great dust storm of 1912. Each girl grabs some gear -- sports gear, that is. Wassagoinon, you may ask? That's right, bitches: Bret's Mudbowl II!
Bret greets the girls, who will once again be divided into teams named "The Sweethearts" and the "Fallen Angels." The team that wins will get to go on a date with Bret, with the MVP enjoying a solo date. Ah, this was precisely the time last year when Jes ignored her instinct to get the fuck out of there and paid the price. The lesson here? If a man in a wig is serenading you, run. Catherine is the captain of the Sweethearts, and Destiney is captain of the Fallen Angels. They each get to pick their teammates. Since there are nine girls total, one will be left out and will have no chance at going on a date with Bret. If these girls are smart, they'll leave out Daisy. Check out the clause that begins that last sentence, and draw your own conclusions. Speaking of Daisy, in the lineup with all the other girls she looks smaller than ever. Seriously, I think she's 3'3". She's like a weird little sex Furby.
Bret goes on to explain that he's from Pittsburgh, the greatest city in all the world, where football is traditionally played in harsh weather conditions. He is not kidding. In Pittsburgh, a game of tag on the elementary school playground is traditionally played in harsh conditions. So today, Bret's playing God. But not in the way of, like, finding a way to fix these girls with stem cells or something. Rather, Big John has a weather machine, and when Bret says the word, he can summon rain, snow, and wind. It is a cold, muddy mess out there. It's like the meteorological equivalent of Angelique's face. As the winner of a coin toss, Destiney gets first pick. Unsurprisingly, she goes with the Jolly Green Inna Tuna Giant. Catherine picks the second manliest contestant of the bunch, Peyton. Destiney goes with former nemesis Kristy Joe, and Catherine then picks Ambre. Ambre apparently loves football, and is feeling good. In a decision that is heavily questioned by Inna, Destiney picks Daisy . Maybe someone will break her and then we won't have to think about her anymore. Whee! Catherine takes Jessica for her final pick, which means that Megan has to sit the game out on the sidelines. Megan seems just as happy to stay out of the mud.
Bret tells us that he wants to see strategy, athleticism, and skills. Don't forget the muddy tits, Bret. The game begins, and there is a lot of sliding around in the mud. Ambre is ready to impress Bret with her skills as a receiver. And then she gets a touchdown! Who knew? Inna, despite her status as Bret's little Ukranian love bus and the physique of Jerome "The Bus" Bettis, is not so impressive, and also has no clue how to play football. Ambre withstands a pretty brutal-looking tackle and scores another touchdown for the sweethearts. Bret wants to get into her muddy pants, and says that two touchdowns in a row is a huge turn-on. I don't want to even tell you what happens to Bret when Ben Roethlisberger is having a good game. Daisy tells us that Ambre is really the only "Stupidhearts" player who is getting in their way -- the other girls don't even know what a football is. Tough talk from someone who thought she scored a touchdown, only to discover that she in fact had carried her own boob across the goal line.
As the second half begins, the Sweethearts are up two to zero. Daisy, whose mouth is full of mud -- which must be a nice change -- encourages her team and says there's no way the Smelly Pinkhearts are going to win over the cute Fallen Angels. And then, Kristy Joe catches a pass to score a touchdown. She slaps her own ass in celebration. Daisy helps to formulate a plan to stop Ambre, and when Jessica fumbles, Daisy recovers. She then manages to evade all four of the Sweethearts. Bret is impressed that she's playing like a wildebeest. With two minutes left, the Fallen Angels are down by a touchdown and Daisy is determined to tie. Bret is enjoying how Ambre and Daisy are locking horns, head to head. Always talking about horns and head, that one. With less than a minute to go, Inna catches a pass to tie up the game. Overtime! It's sudden death, so the first team to score wins the game. Though if there were an actual sudden death thrown in, I can't say I'd be disappointed.
The girls are all torn up, but each team is more determined than ever to win. Daisy gives yet another interview in her weird overemphatic voice. Her speech pattern plus her diminutive size and general demeanor makes me think that her mother was up to some unfortunate stuff when Daisy was in the womb. But back to the game. In sudden death, Ambre gets the ball and evades her competitors for a clear shot down the field. But then she fumbles! The girls race madly to get the ball, and it's Daisy who lands on top of it. She dashes down the field and scores. She says it's the sweetest moment ever. The Fallen Angels celebrate as Catherine tells us she wants to die. When you hear those words from someone who has life immortal, you know it's bad. A medic sprays something into one of Ambre's open wounds. Sex-ay!
The Fallen Angels get their trophy, and Daisy, of course, gets the MVP award. This means that later that night, she gets her solo date. She's nervous, as this is her first real night on the town with Bret. And when you're with a guy who likes to take you to romantic spots such as Cheaters and the free clinic, you have to bring your A-game. Bret is very excited for his date with Daisy, and, per usual, thinks she's smoking hot. Their date tonight will involve making her even hotter. They head to a place called Forplay, which specializes in clothing for whores and drag queens. Bret, in emotional and spiritual overload, decides that Daisy needs to be in the skimpiest outfits he can find. All those guys on eHarmony who are wondering what to do on their first date can now breathe a sigh of relief and thank the heavens that such a wonderful idea has come their way. Daisy puts on a fashion show, and correctly guesses that Bret is in awe. She tells us that they were both a bit hot and bothered. I have to say that Daisy never has looked so natural as when decked out in full skankware. Bret thinks that Daisy is sexy, she sings, she knows music, she plays bass, she's tough, and she's cool. It's a win-win-win-win-win-win. Right now he's envisioning a lifetime of hot sex and antibiotics, and it's looking mighty good. Daisy thinks he's the perfect man for her. Oh my God, when is Heather going to come back and kick her ass?
Back at the house, Catherine is freaking out. She's spent no time with Bret, and feels helpless. Peyton is in pretty much the same situation. They both want more time with Bret, so that they can take their relationship with him to a deeper level. Back at Forplay, Bret and Daisy sit down to dinner. Ah, dinner in the lingerie store. A word to the wise: avoid the crab cakes. Daisy starts to ask Bret some questions, starting with how tall he is. The answer is 5'10". Is that with or without the wig? Daisy also wants to know if he likes to travel (yes), if he likes to read (he totally subscribes for the articles), and a million other things. He's bored, and opts to daydream about how hot she looked in her naughty schoolgirl with a g-string outfit. He tells us that their date was awesome, and that they definitely have a very strong sexual connection. However, it would be nice to have a bit more of an emotional connection as well.
Meanwhile, back at the house, an anxious Peyton grabs a sharpie and some lined paper and writes Bret a note that says, "Bret -- It is URGENT that I speak 2 u -- immediately! Please!! Peyton." She tapes it to his door. I don't know that making it sound like you're having a medical emergency is the best strategy, but okay. At the same time, Megan decides to write Bret a little love note. She does so on a heart cut out of construction paper. You have to give her points for that. When Megan goes to put the note on Bret's door, she sees Peyton's note, which she tells us is very ugly. It's hard to argue. She decides that there's no way Peyton is going to spend time with her boyfriend, so removes the note and puts it in her pocket. Peyton, meanwhile, is sitting outside thinking about her note and wondering if it might come off a little crazy. She goes to review it and lo, the note is not on the door. However, Megan's note is there. Way to cover your tracks, Miss Marple. Peyton writes another note, and as she goes to post it on Bret's door, runs into Megan. Peyton asks if Megan took the note off of the door, and Megan's all, "Note? Huh?" Megan doesn't know if Peyton believes her, and frankly doesn't care. Peyton decides to slip her newest note in the crack between Bret's bedroom doors, saying that she's not taking any chances. Megan, leaving no crack unturned, per usual, fishes it out and puts it under a nearby guitar display case. Peyton has been sabotaged again!
Bret and Daisy return from their date, and Daisy figures that a surefire way to get more time and attention from Bret is to put on one of her new outfits from the Whore Store. Bret enjoys a drink with the other ladies, and Daisy makes her entrance. Peyton acknowledges that it's a little hard to see how attracted he is to her. Bret and the girls play pool. Catherine, in a bid to get some alone time with Bret, says that if she makes a particular shot, she'll get five minutes with him. She makes it. As she was in the room when pool was invented, she has a bit of an unfair advantage. Daisy tells us that Catherine is annoying and looks like Peggy Bundy. Tough talk, Janice the Muppet. Catherine uses her time alone with Bret to verify that the two of them have a connection, and to make out with him sloppily. The poor camera people who have to zoom in on this shit deserve a raise and TDI. As they suck face, Daisy opens the door and asks if she can come in. The answer is no. Daisy pouts that Catherine ruined her evening with Bret. When his time with Catherine is up, Bret just wants to go to bed. A puzzled Daisy -- well, a more puzzled Daisy -- worries that she did something wrong, or that Bret doesn't like her.
The morning, Ambre takes a long look at her messed-up legs. She's bitter that she put her all into the Mud Bowl, and she got nothing but gashes on her knees. And really, if the man was going to make them play football in hot pants, could he not have at least given them some kneepads? You know he keeps a set or two in his nightstand. In any case, it's time for Kristy Joe, Inna and Destiney to get their date. It's at a racetrack, where Bret pulls up in a yellow Lotus. The girls are impressed. At this point, Bret would have to fly in on a carpet to earn legitimate props from me. And then we'd duet on "A Whole New World." The ladies, of course, have to change into some tight-ass racing outfits. Destiney drives first, and she looks good enough for Bret to exclaim, "Me likey." It's the highest form of compliment, really. Kristy Joe, who is very familiar with the stick, goes and flies around the track. Bret tells her that she looks hot and that's all that matters, and she shoots him a glare. Finally there's Inna Tuna and her ultra-impressive boobs. She milks the fact that she can't drive a stick, and gets a ride with Bret.
After driving, the group has lunch out on the track and everyone gets a chance to talk about life and the other contestants. Bret says that Catherine is still a mystery to him, but Jessica is very innocent and cute. She's certainly a mystery to us, as she's gotten 87 seconds of screen time in the first five episodes. Bret says that, in this house, you can't put on the face of a stranger for too long. Does this mean that Daisy's face came from someone she knows? Shudder. But the point is that liars will out. Kristy Joe ill-advisedly starts talking about how difficult it is to talk to her ex-husband, Jeff. She divulges that she has restraining orders out on her first and second husbands. Bret tells us that this is a bit of a red flag. Well, that and the fact that, like, ten minutes ago she wanted to leave. She tells us that she's trying to be very open and honest with Bret, and she hopes he sees that she's there for the right reasons. Those reasons being that her ex-husbands are much less likely to come within 100 feet of her with all those cameras around.
Back at home, Peyton is still very upset and coveting some one-on-one time with Bret. When the group returns from their date, she grabs him and they go to his room. Once in there, she starts crying. Oh, Lord. She gives him a big hug, then asks if he's attracted to her. Bret begins what he's about to say with, "Don't take this wrong, please." Not a good sign, Marlboro Ma'am. Bret continues by saying, "I will try not to let myself cross the 'friendship rock-out buddy' card where it becomes more of that than a physical relationship, or else we become friends who occasionally fuck." What does that even mean? I mean, I guess it's a roundabout way of saying, "No." Peyton nods like she understands, and gives him a quick smooch on the lips before she leaves. In this situation, you need to basically do an oral exam on him with your tongue if you want to survive. Peyton holds her friendship rock-out buddy card close to her chest.
It's elimination time! Catherine is very nervous, and notes that she's one of two girls who hasn't had a date with Bret yet. Megan tells us that she and Bret have a mental, like, Superman psychological connection. Plus, he likes looking at her rack. Peyton's feeling needy and looking haggard. Bret tells us that there are a lot of personalities in the house, and he's confused about which direction he should go. First up, Bret calls Ambre, who would have been the MVP for her Mudbowl team if they had won. She's excited and touched that she got the first pass. We see a disappointed looking Daisy. The second girl to be called is Destiney, who was great on the football field and the racetrack. called is Kristy Joe. Bret would like to dive into her head and find out about certain things. I imagine it's like the river on the Simpsons where they found that three-eyed fish. I'd advise him to wear protective gear. Kristy Joe thinks that the other girls are disgusted that she's still there, and it makes her happy.
The girl who Bret will call sent him one of the nicest letters ever, he says, and he knows that she's making an effort. In fact, he says, she was the only girl who put a letter on his door and it meant a lot to him. And it's Megan! Peyton is ready to rip someone a new asshole. Something tells me that Megan would just smile and put it to good use. Megan interviews that Bret wants to date her and not her grandmother, ha ha ha. Inna Tuna is called , followed by Jessica. This leaves Catherine, Peyton, and Daisy. Bret feels close to all of them. Catherine's "chat" with Bret in his room gave him a lot of reason to keep her, so she's called . Peyton is freaking out, and so is Daisy. And then, to the shock of everyone, Bret calls Peyton. Daisy doesn't understand and wonders what she did wrong. She tries to squeeze out a tear, but her frozen face will not allow it. Meanwhile, Peyton is happy to get another chance.
Bret calls Daisy to him, then drops his big shocker. Though it goes against everything he's supposed to do, he's saved the best for last. Not only does he want to keep Daisy, she's, like, an MVP again. He just wanted to give her special attention and/or make her suffer. Sometimes the sun goes round the moon, I guess. He says he broke all the rules to keep all of these girls. Yeah, what a bad-ass rebel he is. It's like he's smoking in the boys' room. Anyway, Bret couldn't let any of the girls go. He wants to get to know them a bit more before the elimination, in which two girls will go home. Daisy tells us that she went from the most scared she's ever been to the most happy she's ever been. She's going to step it up so she never has to feel the bad feeling again.