Previously: Bret boiled down womanhood to its three essential types: sweet and innocent, earthy, and hot and sexy. I think "earthy" means old. And "hot and sexy" means a miracle of silicone technology. And "sweet and innocent" means a tramp in disguise. That sounds about right. Daisy and Bret were in looooove, while Kristy Joe hogged Bret and stuck her tongue in his ear at every available opportunity. His head said forget it, but his heart was still smokin'. And Bret, please do not call me at the station. The lines are permanently closed to the likes of you. Inna Tuna worried about her status and is going to try to get her connection back with Bret, e.g. get access to his room long enough to blow him.
We get some external shots of the house. It is morning. The camera angle, as we see evidence of the night's debauchery upon a backdrop of the house, is such that for a second I thought someone had constructed a giant can of Bret's Brew. Seriously, it looks half as tall as the house. Bret's Brew: the drink of Brobdingnagians everywhere. Inna Tuna wakes up feeling bummed out. She needs a plan, and quick. She meets Bret outside by the pool, interrupting his sunrise meditation on the mantra, "Every night has its dawn." Inna tells Bret how hard it is to see him make a connection with other people. Her feelings are getting involved. Bret thinks Inna is beautiful, but he needs her to step up to the plate and take a swing. And he has just the bat for her.
Bret Mail! "Good morning ladies / You've shown me how much you care / Competing hard and playing fair / Now it's time for red, white and blue / A patriotic dream come true / Get yourselves pretty and meet me at the grand hall in an hour." Oh my God, are the girls going to get to moderate a Clinton/Obama debate? Whoever takes a spin on the pole first wins. Which means...Rock of Love house goes to Obama! That's bound to be a well-appointed delegate.
The girls meet Bret, who is standing with...Judith Light in a wig and blue leotard? And Tippi Hedren, dressed in one of the exotic animals from her sanctuary? The ladies see some red, white, and blue props including hula hoops and drums, which is further cause for confusion. Turns out that Big John and Bret are both huge supporters of the U.S. troops, and just came back from a tour of Iraq. I guess when you've been in the desert for a year, a guy in a wig singing hits from the year you turned one must be pretty exciting. Bret introduces Judith and Tippi as Joan Arlene and Shirley Claire, respectively. Turns out they are U.S.O. performers who have been performing since 1956. Today, they're going to teach the contestants how to collect scrap metal and buy war bonds. And also how to put on their very own patriotic show, in which the ladies will be performing later in the day to an audience of veterans and active service personnel. This is a tribute as fitting as the American flag bikini. Bret wants to see some real talent in this U.S.O. show. Well, then, I suggest he invite Kathy Griffin to perform. There will be three duo acts, and one solo. The girls have one hour to prepare, and whoever wins will get a date with Bret.
Megan instantly says that she wants to hula hoop, and picks Jessica as her teammate. Well, give the girl credit for knowing that she is at her best when able to jiggle. Daisy, who wants to be the solo act, is going to sing the Star Spangled Banner. She says she doesn't care what she has to do to win a date. She'll even jump through fire. And has, by the looks of her. Inna Tuna and Destiney pair up and decide that they'll dance. Joan Arlene teaches them some moves. For being 116, Joan Arlene still has a great pair of gams. And I am suddenly the narrator of a 1950s newsreel. Kristy Joe and Ambre team up. Ambre really took a bullet for the team there. K.J. decides that she'll do a comedy act while Ambre tap dances. Well, that sounds remarkably cohesive. Ambre says she has her issues with Kristy Joe, but she's determined to work together with her to win the challenge. Ambre totally gets the Miss Congeniality award.
Megan and Jessica practice their hooping, and Jessica decides that it would be cute if they recited the Preamble to the Constitution. Megan is all, "A preamble...isn't that what people in England push their babies around in?" If ever there was a victim of social promotion, it is our little Megs. Jessica starts to get a little worried about Megan's stupidity. However, Megan treats the whole thing like a big learning experience. She says, "I had some trouble remembering the words to the Preamble. Especially because I had never heard of the words before. So I wasn't just learning the Preamble, I was learning new words." It's like she's going to community college right in front of our eyes. Megan sticks out her boobs, and somehow I think everything is going to turn out just fine for her.
Joan Arlene continues to teach Destiney and Inna Tuna her routine while scolding them to stop laughing and carrying on. Destiney is doing the best she can despite Joan Arlene's yelling and Inna's half-assing. Joan Arlene yells, "Get with it and stop giggling." That's like the World War II version of "dicksucker whorebag." Kristy Joe and Ambre continue to work on their routine, which will apparently involve Ambre tap-dancing circles around Kristy Joe, literally. While making blow-job faces, of course. With Ambre, I just assume that's a given. Oh, and THEN. Daisy practices singing the national anthem. Shirley Claire coaches Daisy, who is, I kid you not, looking at sheet music. I believe Shirley Claire is helping her learn how the melody goes. As Daisy tries to hit "rockets' red glare," Shirley Claire just says, "That's pretty high." This is going to be tremendous.
In the limo en route to the site of the performance, Shirley Claire and Joan Arlene have a glass of white wine and give the girls a little last-minute coaching. This is encapsulated by four words: "Stop being so dumb." Rookies. On site, the girls get to choose their skanky yet patriotic outfits, and rehearse their acts. Inna Tuna and Destiney are first, and look pretty terrible. Well, Destiney seems to actually be doing all right as Inna proves that Ukrainians don't come by rhythm naturally. In true Golden Girls style, Joan Arlene tells them that they suck. Inna fires back that Joan Arlene doesn't have to be so mean and rude. Inna Tuna is about to CLOCK this old lady, and/or send her back to Shady Pines. Give the old broad a break. She's just excited that she's going to be in a talkie! Ambre thinks that disrespecting women who have whored it up for our troops for 50-odd years is really uncool. Yeah. Destiney is nervous about their performance. Joan Arlene tells the girls that these are veterans in the audience, and that if one half of a performing duo faints, the other should continue the act while taking care not to step on her. Sage advice if there ever was.
And then! It's time to start the Bret Michaels Rockin' U.S.O.ish Style Show! Bill Dwyer is the host. He is apparently a TV Host / Comic. Well, he looks like he knows his way around Joker's Wild. ["He was on Last Comic Standing. Kill me for knowing that, please." -- Sars] There is a retired general sitting to Bret. Retired generals like boobs just as much as the rest of us -- I'm sure he'll have a fine time. On the other side of Bret is a guy who I think is actually already dead, or else it's the guy who played Cher's grandfather in Moonstruck. Kristy Joe and Ambre are up first, and Ambre is determined to set the bar high. Ambre taps quite well, and Kristy Joe...well, let's just say that Bret compares watching Kristy Joe to watching a monkey on crack. Thank God Kristy Joe is Caucasian. The team gets a hearty round of applause.
up are Megan and Jessica, also known as "Hula Hoops For Our Troops." They slap each other on the butts with their handheld American flags, then strip out of their slutty nurse outfits to reveal patriotic undergarments. And then they hoop it up while reciting the aforementioned Preamble. They do a pretty good job, and after a tense moment Megan remembers how to say "posterity." The general's wife is laughing so hard that she has to wipe tears from her eyes. Even the old guys in the crowd are giving one-member salutes.
we have Inna and Destiney, also known as the Rock of Love Rockets. They begin their dance innocently enough. And THEN. Having seen the positive reaction that Jessica and Megan got when they removed their outerwear, they decide to strip as well. Aggressively. A thong-wearing Destiney actually bends over for the crowd while Inna Tuna slaps her own ass. Granted, the latter move is one that I employ quite frequently. But not in front of our troops! Except those on shore leave. Anyway, the whole thing is very "stars and strap-ons." Joan Arlene looks fit to die, and Jessica takes this opportunity to point out the difference between stripping classily and stripping trashily. I hope you were taking notes. As they finish, someone in the audience asks where the pole is. It's a question I've been asking all season, to tell you the truth. Bill Dwyer explains that there's a flag on it. The veterans in the audience are, like, either having some sort of PTSD flashback or begging to go back to Baghdad or wishing that their eyes had been blown out. When even Bret isn't turned on, you know it's a bad sign.
Finally, there is Daisy. Let's let Jessica break it down for us, shall we? "There's two big issues with Daisy's performance. 1) She's tone deaf. And 2) She DOESN'T KNOW THE WORDS TO THE NATIONAL ANTHEM." Seriously, she is holding a lyrics sheet and doesn't know which part goes when. She kind of redeems herself at the end, if only by virtue of her porn lips. The other girls seem to be in disbelief that 1) Daisy is dumber than they thought; and 2) Daisy is dumber than any of them. She says she's proud of herself since she's never sung in public before, not to mention she's never sung the national anthem before. Alls she knows is that she rocked. Rockin' inexcusable ignorance, day and night. That's how she rolls. And that's America.
The show is over, and we learn that the audience is going to get to determine the winner instead of Bret. The other teams have decent showings on the clap-o-meter, but in the end no one can stop the greatness that was Hula Hoops For Our Troops. Well-deserved, I say. They looked good, and at least one half of them is in possession of a brain. And the other half is now hooked on phonics. Everybody wins!
When the girls get home, they learn that Bret has "whipped up" a nice family-style dinner for them. They all sit at the table, and then Bret introduces the first topic of conversation: "Who do you think is here for the right reasons, and who do you think is here for the wrong reasons?" And really, in this situation, even the right reasons are wrong. Why split synthetic blonde hairs like that? Surprisingly, the girls seem a bit reluctant to talk trash. Daisy says that she's closest to Destiney and thinks she's there for the right reasons, and Megan feels the same way about Jessica. Megan says she doesn't know enough about anyone else to definitely say something disparaging. Bret calls on Inna, wanting her to unleash. She won't do it. Bret is getting increasingly frustrated. The problem here is that these are all backstabbing bitches, and will only talk trash about the person who's out of the room. Bring back Heather, and your problems will be over.
Bret implores the girls to get beyond generic, and give him some info. Surprisingly, it's a sweaty, nervous Ambre who speaks up. She gives a long preamble of her own, explaining that it's not like her to throw someone under the bus. Everyone gets nervous. Ambre emotionally says that one person puts on a façade, and she sees through it. And that person, of course, is Kristy Joe. Way to turn on your talentless tap-dancing partner! Sometimes, Ambre says, Kristy Joe is real. However, there are other, less real times. She brings up the incident when Kristy Joe wanted to go home, and also mentions how she's always talking about her ex-husband(s) and obviously isn't over that relationship(s). Ambre thinks that Kristy Joe has a good heart, but isn't ready for this. And, by God, Ambre is ready for it. Kristy Joe is SHOCKED and appalled that this is coming from Ambre.
Kristy Joe says that the only opinion that matters to her is Bret's, and she's told him several times that if he's not into it, he can let her go. Megan, encouraged by all the learning she's done lately, quite astutely points out that it apparently doesn't matter to Kristy Joe if she stays or goes. Bret tells Kristy Joe that he's confused. She once again says, with no emotion in her voice, that Bret should tell her if he's not feeling her. Destiney gets super-pissed that Kristy Joe is void of emotion while everyone else is sharing their feelings, and yells at her for a while. Inside Kristy Joe is thinking, "Ugh, shut up, skank, you're stupid," but outwardly she remains pretty calm for a while. Eventually, though, she snaps, too, and jumps up and hits the table while telling Destiney to shut the fuck up. Destiney is peeved that Kristy Joe, who is the one with all the issues and lies, has the audacity to jump up and point a finger in her face. I know! Whorebag. I can't believe that no one has yet called her "Krusty Joe."
Eventually Krusty Joe calms down and says that she doesn't feel like she has to answer to the other girls. Bret, however, wants to know if she's there for him or not. He wants to know that every week. And every week he decides that he likes her boobs enough to keep her there. Currently, though, he's not buying it, and he says that if she's not there for him, she's wasting everybody's time. He leaves the table all mad. He just instigated this whole argument and then left! Maybe Mr. Michaels is more of a pro than I thought. Destiney pours herself a heaping glass of champagne, and hopes that Bret knows that she only got angry at Krusty Joe because she cares about him. For her part, Krusty Joe goes up to her room and starts packing. She thinks that the other girls got into Bret's head, and she doesn't know how he feels. Meanwhile, the other girls congratulate Ambre on being the one with the balls to express what they were all thinking. Ambre, however, is distraught, both because she betrayed her friend, and because Bret will think she's a big, friend-betraying tattletale. She thinks she fucked up.
After chilling for a little bit, Bret decides to go have a chat with Kristy Joe. He's surprised to find her packing, and she emotionally says that she can't stand to be fed to the wolves every day. She bawls and hugs Bret. It's the kind of hug where her face is in his crotch. Way to campaign! Bret wants to talk to her in his room. He interviews that, though he loves crazy girls, Kristy Joe might be a little TOO crazy. In his room, Bret points out that Kristy Joe confuses the shit out of everyone with her constant talk about leaving. She says that, when she doesn't know how he feels, she's not going to put it all out there for him. Bret wonders if it's the wrong place and time for them. GOD, YES. Just boot the ho already and get a new storyline.
And then! With all the dinner drama, I totally forgot that Bret had a date with Megan and Jessica. They leave, and Kristy Joe is all sadsy sads as Ambre and Destiney decompress. Destiney has no desire to talk to the much hated Kristy Joe, but Ambre, who is Kristy Joe's roommate, feels like she has to clear things up. Ambre's legs are still really busted up from the Mudbowl. There goes her future as a knee model.
Okay, now on to the date. Bret takes Megan and Jessica to Ed Hardy, where they meet custom couture artist Adam Sachs. What's a custom couture artist, you may ask? Someone who cuts up t-shirts. I mean, he does it better than I could, but still. Jessica is overwhelmed by going on a date with someone who is going to buy her an outfit. By "outfit" she means "shirt." And I'm sure that the shirts are free. But let's not burst the bubblehead. Megan thinks that Jessica is pathetic. Adam cuts up the shirts for the girls, and they go from relatively whorish to '80s-throwback super-whores. It's every girl's dream!
Back at the house, meanwhile, Ambre attempts to clear the air with Kristy Joe. Kristy Joe couldn't care less if Ambre needs to appease her own guilt. Ambre wishes she could take it back, and acknowledges that she should have talked to Kristy Joe before saying anything to Bret. She promises to come to Kristy Joe first in the future. Kristy Joe doesn't give a rat, but goes along with it. Back at the date, Bret, Megan, and Jessica go to dinner. Jessica says how much fun it was to do the USO show, and adds that you can really see everyone's personality come out. In other words, Kristy Joe is talentless and unfunny, Daisy is clinically retarded, and three pounds of lye couldn't clean the skank out of Destiney and Inna. Speaking of Inna, Megan tells Bret that there was a little issue with Inna and Joan Arlene. Bret is dismayed to hear that Inna was disrespecting Joan Arlene. Girl, please. Joan Arlene can hold her own. Her veins are filled with piss and stank. Bret notes again that Inna started off strong, but lately has gotten kind of lost in the shuffle. Megan is pleased that Bret knows about Inna and the old ladies, because she doesn't like Inna. When they return to the house, Bret retreats to his room to consult with the producers and learn who he is to eliminate tonight. Er, to "think."
Eliminations! Destiney worries that Bret might be upset with her because of the drama at the dinner table, but really hopes that Kristy Joe goes home. Inna is nervous because she hasn't spent much time with Bret. Ambre thinks that speaking her mind about Kristy Joe probably hurt her chances. Oh, please. Bret loves a good snitch. Bret is very emotionally and physically exhausted, so he gets right down to it. Upon giving out the first pass, Bret says that he wants a relationship with no drama, and adds that he also wants none of his old nemesis mediocrisy in his life. And believe you me, mediocrisy has felled many a man less mediocre than Bret Michaels. And is it me, or does Bret have a beginnings of a little double chin? Tickle, tickle. Anyway, Ambre is the first to be called, and is gobsmacked. She will certainly stay in the house and continue to rock Bret's world. Kristy Joe can't even look at the bitch.
The girl is going to be called because Bret knows she's definitely there for him, and also he likes how she looks so skanky all the time. It's Destiney. See? The snatches who snitch always have a special place in Bret's heart. Kristy Joe tells us that she will be devastated if she doesn't get a pass. Eh. Jessica is to be called, and tells us that she can't wait for another date with Bret. Megan is called , and would love to stay and continue to rock Bret's world. Daisy is starting to get the melting wax face that she sports when she's worried. But for no reason, because she gets called AND Bret actually apologizes because he hasn't gotten to spend time with her over the past few days. She agrees to stay and rock his world until the dawn's early light. Or, she probably thinks, the "dawn sir leelight." She says it felt like she was up there for a hundred million years. If you have the brain of a flea, you apparently experience life in flea time.
One pass left! And it's down to Inna and Kristy Joe. Ambre is thinking that what she said the night hit home, and that Kristy Joe is going home. Inna is freaking out, and Kristy Joe is bummed to be in the bottom two again. Bret calls Inna Tuna to him. Kristy Joe starts to cry. Destiney does a little "So long, Kristy Joe!" dance in her mind. However, it is a bit premature, as Bret tells Inna that he is very attracted to her, but didn't get to know her as much as he knows some of the other girls. Thus, her tour ends here. Bret thinks that Inna checked out on him emotionally, and also doesn't appreciate that she was rude to the hot octogenarian who, it must be said, turns him on. And -- wait a minute...what is that I hear playing in the background? Is it a new Bret Michaels song? It goes, "Hello, goodbye / She wants to stay, she wants to fly." Oh my God, Kristy Joe is totally Bret's muse!!!!!! I am so grossed out right now.
Inna Tuna is sad. She says that she and Bret had a strong connection at the beginning, but toward the end it started fading. I kind of think that Inna came to her senses a little bit and realized that it's never a good idea to date a guy who wears more eyeliner than you do. There are other chickens in the sea, my Ukrainian love tank. Do not distress. She tells us that it was her time to go. Meanwhile, Destiney is not so excited that Krusty Joe gets to stay. She interviews, "What the hell? I don't know what it is that he likes about her. I just wish that skank would leave!" And how. Bret notes the obvious tension in the house, but says that he thinks he and Kristy Joe have gotten further ahead. She's wearing her heart on her sleeve, and he knows where she's coming from, but hopes it's not too little too late. I bet "I Hope It's Not Too Little, Too Late" is the title of the song that Bret wrote about Kristy Joe! Either that or "Your Tits Won't Let Me Quit You." Kristy Joe agrees to stay and try to continue to rock his world. Ambre is puzzled by the whole situation. She thinks that Kristy Joe is really good at manipulating people's feelings, and that she got to Bret. Kristy Joe is happy to have gotten a pass, but knows that the other girls are going to be pouring a whole keg of haterade on her at every opportunity.
week: Said haterade continues to flow.