Previously: Sparks flew between Bret and Daisy. Sadly, they did not melt her waxen face. Kristy Joe had mad issues, including being still legally married and being an enemy of the majority of the other girls in the house. Boo hoo hoo. And, finally, it was the end of Roxy and the incomparably frightening yet incomparably amusing Angelique. At least we can take solace in the fact that we'll likely see her again one day in an ad for labiaplasties. Well, if we take the bus.
It is night, following elimination. Bret, obviously tormented by the stress of sending two women home, does a little soft shoe. He looks really fucking high. In that house I suppose it's a prerequisite for survival. Bret gives a brief toast to the departed women, then says that for the rest of them it's time to get down to makin' bacon. Aww, that reminds me of Pigmania, one of my favorite childhood games. There were pigs for dice, and you got points based on how they landed relative to each other. If the pigs touched each other -- the position known as "makin' bacon" -- you lost all of your points and a turn. I'm sure it was some subliminal Reagan era abstinence propaganda. On a side note, I could really go for some bacon right now. Daisy tells us that everyone is being friendly and hanging out, but she doesn't want friends, she wants Bret. Sometimes I think all the collagen in her face kind of slides up and that's what makes her eyes look really puffy. In any case, she's ready to step up and let him know it. The blow jobs are starting early this season, eh?
Bret, standing at the kitchen island surrounded by his bevy of beauties, turns to Aubrey and says, "What are you doing, freak?" And to think that later on in this episode Aubrey will question Bret's feelings for her! Bret thinks that Aubrey is staring at him like she either likes him or wants to kill him. Okay, he ALWAYS thinks that about someone. You know it all started way back when with C.C. DeVille. Get some therapy, man. Wasted Bret is ready to retire. He walks right around Aubrey and then gives a bunch of other girls kisses goodnight. This does not go unnoticed by Aubrey, who feels like she's invisible. Actually, much like Clay Aiken, she might stand a better chance if she actually were invisible. Oooh! Quick poll! Who would you rather have invisibly watch you in your room: Aubrey or Clay Aiken? That's a really sizeable pros and cons list if you ask me. I think Bret even goes to kiss Catherine, who is wearing a two-piece thermal pajama set with furry boots. She's like 1964 Playmate Colorforms. Daisy is horny for Bret and asks him if she can walk him to his room. He says absolutely. And then she goes IN his bedroom and, according to Kristy Joe, doesn't come back. They make out sloppily. Daisy asks, "Can you blame a girl?" Oh, and how. Bret has an incredible amount of physical attraction to Daisy and wants to REALLY get to know her. I would too, just to see which of her parts squeak. It would be like having sex with a dog toy.
Aubrey and Kristy Joe hang out in the hot tub. Aubrey is very upset that Bret is neglecting her. She's not getting what she deserves, she says, and is beginning to feel like something's wrong with her. She doesn't want to ever feel that way. Well, then, I suggest that she might not want to come to this site. Aubrey is also fixated on the fact that Daisy is touching Bret's backstage pass right now, and riles Kristy Joe up about it, too. Kristy Joe is feeling jealous, which also indicates to her that she is having feelings for Bret. Aubrey looks deep into Kristy Joe's eyes and says that she's ready to fall in love, and she knows Kristy Joe is, too. Methinks that when they chopped off Aubrey's man parts, they didn't chop off her ability to feel a twinge when faced with a lovely lady in a hot tub.
The morning, Megan notices that Daisy is not in her bed. She's a dirty-ass ho, says Megan. Daisy says that she and Bret were learning things about each other, and it's nobody's business but theirs. Okay, worst euphemism ever. As everyone gathers and shoots Daisy dirty looks, Big John delivers Bret Mail: "Good morning my metal maidens. / My favorite toys are one of a kind / With a rockin' style that's hard to find / The key to my heart is custom love / Today we'll see who's a cut above." Inna Tuna reads it, looking every bit the Jolly Green Giantess she is. She assumes that they're going to be working with either cars or motorcycles, and is pumped.
In the limo en route to the challenge, Aubrey straight up asks Daisy if she slept with Bret. Daisy kind of rambles about something incoherently and can't even look at Aubrey, until she busts out saying that Aubrey is being a bitch about it and tells her to shut the fuck up. She tells everyone that she and Bret hung out and were getting to know each other better. And once they were through, they got to know each other better all over again. Getting to know each other better makes you sweaty!
The ladies end up at a place that I at first think is called E. Rile Cycles. Peyton is psyched, because this is her thing. Bret tells them that today they'll be building custom bikes, and introduces his friend Russell Mitchell, who is president of Exile Cycles. They should hire a better graffiti artist to do their logo. The women will divide into two teams, each of which will have to do some motorcycle building. But, like, not any of the parts that could get someone killed. They have to finish a number of tasks based on an instruction sheet that Russell put together. The first team that gets everything finished, puts gas in their tank, and fires up the engine will win. Destiney is nervous, since she's not very familiar with a lot of tools. Just Bret. Each team has to pick a lead mechanic. The lead mechanic of the winning team gets to go on a solo date with Bret, and the other girls on the winning team will have a group date. The lead mechanic of the losing team will have to clean Bret's custom bike with a toothbrush. If Angelique was still here, I bet she'd use that toothbrush afterwards. The teams are named. Team Black is Inna, Ambre, Aubrey, Megan and Daisy. Team Pink is Jessica, Kristy Joe, Destiney, Catherine, and Peyton. Peyton is the lead mechanic of the Pink Team, and Inna, whose brother taught her a lot of stuff about motorcycles, is the lead for the Black Team.
The challenge begins! Bret leaves, while Russell and his colleague Blake stick around for safety purposes. Peyton, who wants the solo date really bad, gets a little frantic. The dumber girls sort of stand around being dumb. As you do. The Pink Team takes a marginal lead, which encourages the Black Team to haul butt. Pink has their bike together and just has to get gas and fire up the engine. The Black Team is quick to follow. Pink would have it, except their gas line isn't hooked up. It gives the Black Team enough time to get their bike gassed up and started. Peyton's heart sinks to know that she's going to miss out on the solo date with Bret. Kristy Joe, meanwhile, is pissed that Daisy is going to get to spend even more time with Bret. As she stands to her teammates, it becomes apparent that Daisy is, like, 3'9". Maybe Bret has an Oompa-Loompa fetish? A bored looking Russell says, "Whoo. Well, that was exciting." I feel you, brother.
Bret returns and learns that the Black Team has won. Russell tells him that the Pink Team did a great job and almost had it, and adds that the only team member who was more hindrance than help was Destiney. Destiney interviews that Russell totally threw her under the bus and told her that she's a loser and that she sucks. It's good to see that there's at least one girl in the house who isn't overly dramatic. As punishment for being a sucky loser, Destiney will have to help Peyton clean Bret's bike with a toothbrush. Both women will have to wear bikinis as they do so, of course. Bret tells the Black Team girls that they'll have an awesome date tomorrow. Aubrey is excited that she'll get the opportunity to connect with Bret. Inna Tuna, meanwhile, gets to go on her solo date right away. Bret gives her a biker jacket and she hops on the back of his hog. Bret's hot on Inna, so is excited about this date.
Inna and Bret are both mildly gross in talking about their date. Bret likes the combination of their bodies pressed up against each other with the vibration from the motorcycle, while Inna is just happy to hold on to her man and will go anywhere he takes her. My guess is that they're on the road to Crabville, which is certainly a regular vacation spot for Inna. They end up at the Sagebrush Cantina, where Bret romantically says that they both have oil face. This date has been sponsored by Clearasil. It's a nice change from the habitual sponsorship of any company that produces very strong antibiotics.
Meanwhile, Peyton and Destiney clean Bret's bike. Despite being four score and seven years old, Peyton is so much hotter than Destiney. Oh, Lord, and then Aubrey is still yammering about how Bret walked around her like she was non-existent. Ambre thinks that Aubrey tends to overreact and overanalyze and has a slight confidence problem. When Ambre says that Bret's reaction was likely subliminal, Aubrey dramatically says that that scares her even more. If she wants to be scared most of all, she should try looking into a mirror right now. Back at the date, Inna Tuna says that she could she herself and Bret ending up together. He could too. She says that the date was great, and Bret agrees. It couldn't have been that great or interesting, though, as we barely saw any of it.
As Bret and Inna enter the house, Destiney and Peyton are waiting on his bike, still in their bikinis. Bret is into it, and asks them to bend down and show him what they did. All right then, creepy old man. Destiney, never shy when it comes to sticking her ass up in the air, obliges. They joke that they cleaned his pipes. And then who should interrupt this fun moment but Angsty Aubrey. It's her time to talk to him, she says. In an interview, Bret wonders if Aubrey really needed to take him away from a moment that involved nakedness and motorcycles. Seriously. He kisses everyone before he goes to chat with Aubs. And then it's all worth it as we get the quote of the episode. Aubrey tells Bret, "I'm a very, very, very observant person. I'm a karaoke host, okay? I know people." She is wise beyond her years and her genders. That's what happens when you hear drunken groups of women warble "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" night after night. Bret interviews that Aubrey is going at him as if they'd been in a nagging, naggingly long relationship, when they aren't even together. It's true. I hate to admit it, but sometimes this show really does teach you things about relationships. Bret likes Aubrey, but worries that she might be a little needy. Aubrey tells him, "I am not well." She doesn't think that he's feeling the connection, and if that's the case she doesn't want him to keep her there a moment longer. And then at least she'll have siblings Patricia, Rosanna, and David to bolster her spirits when she goes home.
Aubrey consults with her partner in dramatic overreaction, Kristy Joe. For some reason that is not quite clear, Aubrey's freak out with Bret has made Kristy Joe think about all the shit she has to deal with back at home. You know, with the divorce and all. Kristy Joe would want the man who that she was with to take care of his shit if he had unresolved feelings about his ex, and right now she thinks it's not fair to Bret that she can't give it all. She says he deserves better. Oh, no he doesn't. He wrote "I Want Action." He deserves SO MUCH WORSE. Kristy Joe cares about Bret, but she wants to do what is right. She doesn't think she can move forward with Bret unless she deals with her past first. Sometimes it takes being on a really skanky reality show to come to an epiphany like this.
And then, for no reason at all, Kristy Joe decides to call the whole house together for a meeting to share her aforementioned epiphany. She's wearing very little makeup, which adds an extra level of import to the situation. She tells the other girls that she got out of a very serious relationship, then met her second husband two months later. My question is...why does Kristy Joe only have half eyebrows? Oh, wait, I think Inna must have stolen them. Watch for contestants' eyebrows to disappear as Inna's monobrow reaches heretofore unimagined proportions. Anyway, Kristy Joe thinks that Bret is another rebound relationship. But...they're not in a relationship. I'm just saying. Kristy Joe tells the other girls that she doesn't know whether to walk away or to stay and wait. Megan summarizes it thusly: "So, Kristy Joe is basically saying that she's an emotional mess, wreck, baggage, all kinds of husbands and kids and trailers, whatever." I couldn't have said it better. Anyway, Kristy Joe is weeping and debating as to what she should do. Ambre interviews that she might be going a little overboard, given that she has known Bret for approximately five days. The other girls basically think she's a stupid bitch and point out that she might want to talk to Bret about this. In the words of Megan, yet again, "Go! Go! Nobody's stopping you. I don't see anybody stopping you. Get the fuck out!" Who knew she would be such a voice of wisdom in this episode?
In any case, Kristy Joe goes to talk to Bret. Drama drama drama, she has feelings for Bret but shit to deal with at home, he deserves more than the 50% she can give him because she's not fully healed from her last relationship, etc. Bret interviews that he's willing to deal with any emotional baggage and any issues regarding a woman's past, but he can't deal if she's still emotionally connected. He's very wise sometimes. It's almost as if he's a karaoke host. He tells Kristy Joe that he doesn't want to let her go, but he doesn't want someone to be there if they have stuff that they need to take care of. He likes Kristy Joe and thinks she's beautiful, but he notes that you can't make someone love you if they don't. Like, if they were both lying close together, they'd still feel miles apart inside. Bret tells Kristy Joe to stop thinking about it for a little while and go get some sleep. As my friend Stephanie said the other day, "Bret is amazingly patient with these women. He always finds something good about them, even if it's just their tits." Kristy Joe is still debating what she should do.
The day, there is more Bret Mail! And there is still Kristy Joe. Daisy is pissed that the bitch remains. Anyway, Bret Mail: "Good morning biker babes / You impressed me with your bike building ways / Come as you are / Captured forever today / You're the star." Oh, and one girl is going home tonight. But first, Ambre, Megan, Aubrey and Daisy get their date. They meet up with Mitzi from Mitzi and Company and learn that Bret has arranged a '50s pinup photo shoot for them. Fun! They get to dress up like bombshells. Aubrey wants to go the Bettie Page route, while Daisy wants to look like the love child of Marilyn Monroe and Brigitte Bardot. Megan doesn't want to dress up like she's from the 50's, because she's 22. She's a bit hit or miss, that one. Bret enters and thinks that the girls look smoking hot. We get to hear one of his crappy songs as they pose. Megan is looking hot tits to toes, says Bret. She really is. Aubrey looks like Hedwig. I don't know what more I can say. Ambre is corny and weird, but Bret likes her more than ever. And then there's Daisy. She really does, as Bret points out, have a phenomenal boob to waist ratio. He says it's all a man can ask for. She's dumb as the box that her hair came from, but it's really no matter.
Bret and his four dates have lunch afterwards. Everyone is talking about how fun the photo shoot was until Angsty Aubrey busts in saying so many people get hurt in this situation. Bret tells her that she's right and she's wrong. Some people there, he says, don't know what they're looking for and came for the wrong reasons. For example, "Whatsherface," who he was talking to last night. Yes, he just called Kristy Joe "Whatsherface." He continues that someone's karma is going to bite them in the ass really bad. Basically, it seems that he's kind of hosing on Kristy Joe. It's not the nicest. Well, at least Aubrey doesn't think so. She goes upstairs to tell Kristy Joe straightaway. Kristy Joe is pissed that she poured her heart out to Bret and was honest with him and he talked shit about her on their date. She adds that if Bret thinks she's fake, he's in for a surprise when the other fake bitches in the house are revealed. In this situation, "fake" is such a relative term.
A fuming Kristy rushes off to talk to Bret. She angrily asks him how he really feels about her. Bret looks like he is in no mood to talk to her. He has his guitar on his lap and, I'm sure, was just about to bust into, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." He HATES being interrupted at that time of the afternoon. He says that Kristy Joe knows that he thinks she's hot, but if she wants to go, he'll let her go. She starts crying again, saying that it's scary and overwhelming. He asks if that means she'll just bail, and interviews that Kristy Joe is self-destructing and sabotaging herself because she's afraid to let her guard down and get her heart broken. She's not too far gone, however, because she's managed to draw on the second half of her eyebrows. Thank God. She tells us that after talking to Bret she realized she really wants to be with him. It's not the best timing for her, she says, but who's to say he's not the best person for her? Okay, I am. And a nation. Bitch has got too many damn issues. The boobs to baggage ratio is not enough to save her.
Elimination! Aubrey, in a black punk rock t-shirt and her 50's pinup hair, looks more like Hedwig than ever. She thinks there's a chance that she's going home tonight, but she wants to stay as long as Bret wants her. I think Daisy's fake eyelashes actually weigh her tiny lids down, which is why she always has that "nobody's home" look about her. Kristy Joe throws some shade about fake girls. Bret enters and notes that it's been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster so far. He guarantees them that it will get worse, and says that they have to drop their guard enough for him to know that he can love/like/lust on them. Megan looks confused and/or like she smelled something bad.
Daisy is called first, because she not only talked the talk but walked the walk. Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? Daisy doesn't think that anybody can beat the chemistry that she has with Bret. Until they bring back Heather. God, when is that going to happen? Ambre is called . Innnnteresting. And then Peyton is ! Yay! She's still my favorite. Then there's Inna Tuna, followed by Catherine. It's amazing that pass can fit over her puff of hair. Then there's Jessica. I forgot she even existed! Then there's Destiney. Megan can't believe that she's in the bottom three with Kristy Joe and Aubrey. Basically, Bret thinks Megan is hot but he's not feeling it yet. She looks offended. However, she agrees to stay and rock his world.
Of course this leaves Aubrey and Kristy Joe in the bottom two. Kristy Joe is already bawling. She thinks that, since she flipped out today, Bret might be just about done with her. Aubrey tells us that Kristy Joe is her best friend in the house, and when she looked at her and thought that she might be going home, her heart fell out of her body. Just put it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other spare parts, honey. Bret holds the final pass. He says that the girl told him that she's not feeling well. Aubrey interviews that she realized she was about to get the pass, but she can't bear to see her best friend of six days, Kristy Joe, hurt so much. Bret tries to continue, but Aubrey interrupts by walking toward him and asking if, if she goes on her own, he'll give Kristy Joe another chance. Bret's response? "Wassagoinon?" This is one instance when I approve of this particular word choice.
Aubrey tells Bret that she appreciates this, but wants to give Kristy Joe another chance. Now Aubrey is bawling. The other girls are all looking at each other incredulously, and Kristy Joe's tears have miraculously dried on their own. Destiney interviews that Aubrey is sacrificing herself for another girl in the house...who wanted to leave. It doesn't make any sense, and she thinks they should both get the fuck out of there. It's true. Bret holds Aubrey's hand and tells her that her tour ends here. And then, oh my hell! A sobbing Aubrey gives her exit interview and says, "This is my gift. The biggest gift that I have given in a long time. To somebody that I think is amazing, Kristy Joe." She gives Kristy Joe an emotional hug. Note that Kristy Joe doesn't protest one lick. Ambre interviews that it's kind of weird that Aubrey's relationship with Kristy Joe is more important to her than her relationship with Bret. Again, weird is a really relative term on this show. Aubrey hugs Kristy Joe, then bawls as she tells her not to leave on her own. Aubrey is effing unhinged. She says that sacrificing her position will give Kristy Joe a chance to stand up and not be foolish anymore. Leading by example, is Aubrey. If it is meant to be with her and Bret, she says, it will happen. After all, they live in the same city.
And then we cut back to the elimination room, sans Aubrey. Bret turns over the final pass that he was holding, and we find out that it was Kristy Joe all along. Aubrey is feeling pretty stupid right about now. Megan says she was embarrassed to even watch. Kristy Joe is quite happy to see that Bret wanted her to stay. They make out sloppily. In the words of Inna Tuna, "Kristy Joe, are you kidding me? You're so dramatic and excited and you're all over Bret and you're shaking and crying. Get the fuck outta here, dude." Bret wants Kristy Joe to let her guard down -- if she doesn't, he says, they'll be "passion ships in the night." He wants her to drop her guard, among other things I'm guessing, so he can "get in there" and see what she's all about. Destiney has the feeling that Kristy Joe is playing some major head games with everyone in the house, and she doesn't fucking like it. Kristy Joe interviews that she's there to stay. The girls crack open a Bret's Brew and agree to party on.
week: Mudbowl II! And Peyton is the newest emotional mess of the week. Oh no!