Previously: Bret connected with Amber, because he has a heretofore-unknown octogenarian fetish. An old-skool dance contest resulted in VIP passes for Roxy, Destiney, and Daisy. The "I" stands for "infected." And Sara got the boot, which is good because she's really too pretty and disease-free to succeed in this competition.
It is morning, and a lot of makeup is being applied. Truly, this show keeps Wet N' Wild in business. Roxy tells us that she's feeling a little nervous because she doesn't know what Bret's looking for. Sadly for Roxy, I don't think Bret really wants to keep his cocoa handy. But good for her for having hope and thinking that it's personality that he's looking for. If "personality" is a euphemism for "big, chocolate-mousse-covered knockers," I think she's onto something. Roxy notes that she does have a VIP pass, which means she can steal Bret away for one-on-one time at any point. She intends to use it.
Big John delivers some Bret Mail. Megan reads it. Hey! How delightful that she's literate. It says, "Good morning my sexy sirens / I know you're all sweet and classy / But I need a girl that's tough and sassy / One who's willing to push and shove / Roll with the punches and protect our love. Love, Bret." Megan hopes that the competition doesn't have anything to do with athleticness. She doesn't have any of that. If, however, it is somehow related to boobfulness and chesticular ability, she might have a shot.
The girls head into a big warehouse, where they find a roller derby rink. Oh, shit. Some fake parts are going to be flying. Bret tells us that if there's one thing he's good at in life, it's being a father. And I mean, this must be true, as he wrote this song about his daughter. Okay, I really didn't link that as proof of Bret's parental skills. I just wanted to remind you all about THE WIG. But I guess any man dedicated enough to wear a cheap wig and Cleopatra eyeliner in the name of funding his daughter's college education is a pretty selfless parent. Bret is looking for a girl who has a mother-bear instinct. But not, like, the kind that will lead an animal occasionally eat her own young like my hamster Spike did when I was eight, thus traumatizing me for life. Poor Spike. She accidentally took a tumble down the stairs in her little hamster exercise ball and I think it induced premature labor, so I can't judge. And plus, we all thought she was a male, so it was pretty surprising when 14 babies popped out. I imagine the story of Angelique's origins follows a similar path.
Anyhoo, the girls will be divided into three teams of four, and they'll have to protect a creepy-looking baby doll wearing sunglasses, a bandana, and cowboy hat. Yes, it's Baby Bret. He likes to nurse, like, a lot. Each team has to get Baby Bret, who rides in a stroller, around the roller derby track three times. To make the whole ordeal more challenging, there will be another team of women trying to stop them and hurt little Baby Bret -- it's the L.A. Derby Dolls, featuring America's sweetheart Lacey Conner! She skates out and says, "What's up, skanks?" which is pretty much the only thing she's allowed to say in her uneventful cameo. If the other girls were thinking, they'd burst into a rousing chant of "Dicksucker whorebag!" in welcome. We get a little montage featuring Lacey poking Dallas in the forehead, which I maintain is one of the most chilling moments in reality TV history. Jessica can't believe that the conniving slut Lacey is there. Inna Tuna says that she'd like to skate over Lacey's face. To which I say: DO IT. Baby Bret is specially designed to measure trauma, so the team which gets around the track with the least amount of damage to the baby gets a date or dates with Bret. The Blue team is: Aubrey, Angelique, Kristy Joe, and Inna Tuna. Kristy Joe used to speed-skate, so is feeling pretty confident. The Red team is Jessica, Roxy, Peyton, and Ambre. Ambre is a pro at rollre dreby, I am sure. The Pink team is Daisy, Megan, Destiney, and Catherine. Every time I see Catherine I think she's, like, a hologram. Seriously, I expect to see Larry Hagman saddling up alongside her or something.
The girls suit up in their roller derby gear, and Catherine and her team strategize. She hadn't really talked to any of the girls on her team previously, but says that they bonded as they discussed how to protect Baby Bret. Kristy Joe thinks that, as she's good on skates and no one else seems very stable, her team stands a good chance. In any case, it's time for the Stroller Derby to begin. Bret turns it over to referee Marlene Diebitch, who is there on behalf of her colleagues Greta Garho and Katharine Rugburn. And seriously: these roller derby girls are built like tree trunks. I would be running for my life right now. The girls all will get a head start on the L.A. Derby Dolls, and once a team has completed their third lap Baby Bret will be given to Dr. Franklin, Doctor of Doll Traumology (not an actual doctor). He might or might not be the same guy who measured the blood flow to Little Bret (not to be confused with Baby Bret) during last season's "Talk Dirty To Me" challenge. The team whose baby has the least trauma will win.
Team Pink is first! Bret hopes that they'll be ready to take a beating for their man. Daisy, who's in charge of the stroller, falls even before the Derby Dolls get to her. When Daisy takes a tumble, Lacey sidles up to the stroller and starts punching the baby in the face. Maybe this is some sort of therapy in which she recreates her own childhood trauma? I certainly hope it was healing and that she will be able to move on and abandon her dicksucker whorebag ways for good. Poor Baby Bret is fucked in the care of Team Pink. He's, like, in worse shape than Sean Preston. Megan knows they did terribly, but takes solace in the fact that they looked hot. It's true that tube socks bring out the sparkle in her eyes.
Red Team is ! Peyton takes charge of the stroller, and the other girls plan to let her get as far ahead as possible while they get in the way of the Derby Dolls. As it happens, Peyton is not a very good skater, and the Derby Dolls are not afraid to kill a bitch. However, Peyton tries her best to grab hold of and protect Baby Bret after he bounces headfirst on the track, and even gives him a little soothing kiss. It makes Grown Bret want to breed. Has this show not made us feel like the human gene pool is in a desperate enough state? In one particularly spirited tussle, the largest of the Derby Dolls makes off with one of Baby Bret's arms. Angelique is thinking about how she might repurpose that little plastic limb in her upper lip. The little fingers sticking out on the side will only add to her charm, and would probably make it easier to eat chicken wings.
And finally, there is Team Blue. After seeing Angelique fall down in perfect doggie-style position, Kristy Joe is feeling somewhat hopeless. However, she takes a decent lead as the rest of her team tries to block the Derby Dolls. Well, except Angelique, who is too busy trying to tuck her shirt in her under-cleavage. True story. Kristy Joe is feeling pretty good until the third lap, when the really big Derby Doll chucks her but good. Baby Bret goes flying. Still, it was an impressive performance, and Bret gives her a round of applause. Turns out, the Blue Team is the only team that gave Baby Bret a decent chance of survival with a normal life, so they win! Angelique is excited about this victory, and confident to boot. She says, "Zese girls should better be worried, becuz when I'm gonna to ween a date wiz Bret I'm gonna fuck him so good eez not gonna look at everybody else when eez coming back." Most likely, he's not going to be looking at Angelique when she's fucking him so good, because of the contractually stipulated bag over her head. Angelique, Aubrey, and Inna Tuna will all go on a group date tonight, while MVP Kristy Joe will get the coveted solo date tomorrow.
Back at the house, Roxy is bummed because the Red Team's loss means she won't get any one-on-one time with Bret. Catherine tells her that she's got her VIP pass, which is a ticket into the chocolate factory. Nice word choice. She's seriously going to bust into "White Boys / Black Boys" from Hair, isn't she? She'll be like, "Have you heard about the groovy scene that just burst onto Broadway? Maybe we can try to catch it after tonight's Laugh-In." Roxy was hoping to win the challenge so she could save the VIP pass for a later date. All she can do, she says, is sit and see what happens. Sometimes a non-strategy is the best of all, and then again sometimes it's the worst.
It's time for the group date! And let me just explain some of the wardrobe stylings going on here. First off, Aubrey looks like what would happen if the Mad Hatter mated with Mr. Peanut. Inna Tuna is unironically wearing a black feather boa. And then there's Angelique. Forever aware of the dangers of identity theft, Angelique decided to run the bottom of her dress through a paper shredder. And then she vomited all over it, which may or may not have been an accident. At least Bret gets a taste of what life with one and a half transvestite prostitutes on each arm is like.
At the homestead, Kristy Joe talks with Daisy and Destiney about the Stroller Derby challenge. Kristy Joe says that, as a mom, she knows how strollers work. Kristy Joe has KIDS? Or A KID? Daisy says that she's not a mom, so she didn't know. Catherine, however, is, says Daisy, but Kristy Joe adds that she couldn't skate. Daisy interviews passionately that her team did the best they could, and she thinks they did a damn good job. Except for the severe head trauma and internal organ damage inflicted on Baby Bret, that's totally correct.
Meanwhile, back to the date. Bret takes his lovely ladies to Ivan Kane's Forty Deuce nightclub and burlesque parlor. Angelique is very excited, since she is a stripper and this is her atmosphere. I thought Angelique's atmosphere was a place where oxygen was replaced with toxic fumes that only she has mutated to inhale safely? Ivan Kane greats this fearsome foursome and tells them that the club's been closed down just for them. They'll first get to see one of Forty Deuce's professional burlesque dancers perform; then each of the ladies will get to show what they've got onstage. And then, I imagine, the earth will implode and we'll all start to feel a strange burning sensation and scream, "My eyes! My eyes!" Aubrey is excited because she's been a trained dancer since she was seven. Aw, Little Miss Sunshine all grown up! Bret tells Ivan that he might have a recruit in Angelique. Ivan, because he seems to have some sense, looks terrified.
Back at the house, Kristy Joe tells Catherine that her teammates said her maternal instincts and skating didn't come through for them, and they were disappointed. She's sort of laughing when she says it, but doesn't seem to follow it up with, "Oh, I'm just kidding." When Catherine gets offended, Kristy Joe just replies that that's what they said. Even though this whole thing is so stupid, Kristy Joe is in for a world of hurt.
The date continues with a performance from burlesque dancer Dakota. She's, like, a speed dancer. Both Bret and Angelique think she's sexy, even if, Angelique points out, she leaves her clothes on. Well, some of her clothes. Turns out Dakota is going to give the ladies some instruction. Angelique just wants to get nekkid, but Dakota tells her that this is all about the art of the tease. Angelique says she knows all about this, probably because she thought she heard Dakota say this was all about farting with ease. Inna Tuna does her burlesque dance first. Bret thinks she's a sexy meatball, even if she can't dance for crap. If you've ever wondered what Fiona from Shrek would look like writhing around on the floor, I suggest watching this scene closely. Aubrey is and ready to impress. Bret thinks she was really good. If you've ever wondered what Mr. Peanut would look like in a satin gown and thigh high boots without his monocle, this is another segment worthy of the slo-mo treatment.
And then there's Madame Thenardier. Yes, she deserves her own paragraph. She begins, and Bret kind of grimaces. We then see her turn around; cut to Bret, who says to Inna Tuna, "She does have a nice ass, though." The "though" is so telling. Angelique writhes around topless, and then, as one might expect, it's time for the underwear to come off. Inna Tuna and Aubrey are not enjoying it. And, like, they've just seen things that no living creature should ever have to see. They've probably even contracted syphilis of the eye. What's Bret's take on all this? Well, he thinks Angelique's body is smoking hot, and he loves her free spirit. However, he thinks she's either a straight-up hot sexy exhibitionist, or possibly has a screw loose. Looking at her face, I'd say she has multiple screws loose. For her part, Angelique knows Bret wants her so bad. When she's done with her performance -- which, maybe she's actually some sort of genius feminist performance artist? Like the second coming of Annie Sprinkle, and this intimate tête-à-tête with her cervix is for our own good and we're all supposed to feel empowered now? -- Bret has to encourage the other girls to have some respect and give Angelique a round of applause. Dakota and Ivan Kane have to give the group a talking-to, as girls really aren't supposed to get naked at Forty Deuce. It's all soup to Angelique, who just can't keep her clothes on. The date is over.
Back at the house, the Kristy Joe drama continues. Catherine has talked to Jessica and Megan, who are all mad about Kristy Joe's accusations and want to set the record straight. Jessica thinks that Kristy Joe manipulated the situation, and doesn't trust her anymore. When Daisy and Destiney hear the news, they're really pissed. Destiney, who with her hair up and a bit less makeup on looks like a completely different and certainly much better-looking person, confronts Kristy Joe. Kristy Joe says that they were all joking around, and Destiney accuses her of lying, then spews some junk about saying stuff to her face if she has something to say. Megan gets up in the act and tells Kristy Joe how scary she looks without makeup. She says it's not a horror show. Oh, I beg to differ. Anyway, everyone hates Kristy Joe now, whee! She's like Season One's Erin, minus the circus tits.
Bret and his dates return home and decide to have a nightcap with the rest of the girls. Aubrey goes to change and hears Kristy Joe in the bathroom crying. Aubrey wishes Kristy Joe had more self-esteem, because right now she's jumping into a ring of fire, and if she can't take the heat, she has to get out of the kitchen. A bird in the hand is worth two of Bret's stones, and a chain gang is only as strong as its weakest link, even if she is a jack of all trades and a master baiter of none. Kristy Joe is upset that Megan said she looks like a freak show without makeup. And really, there are enough legitimate freak shows in the house that directing this insult at Kristy Joe seems pretty contrived. Aubrey thinks that some of the girls in the house are just vicious, and adds that Kristy Joe is a solid threat. Not as solid as Inna Tuna, though. Never as solid as Inna Tuna. Inna Tuna will for sure be played by Missi Pyle in The Rock of Love Story 2, while some combination of Elizabeth Berkley / Tiffani(-Amber) Thiessen will star as the beleaguered Kristy Joe.
The morning, Destiney is feeling good because of her VIP pass. Big John delivers Bret Mail for Kristy Joe: "Kristy Joe, at yesterday's challenge you kicked ass skating / Today we'll spend time on a date you're creating / To the rest of the girls I must let you know / At tonight's elimination two more will go." Kristy Joe gets to create the date, so she arranges a nice, mellow barbeque for the two of them at the house. She even cooks! That's pretty nice. What's not so nice, however, is that Destiney is planning to use her VIP pass DURING BRET AND KRISTY JOE'S DATE! That is so stank. Brilliantly stank, actually. When she's done with her VIP time, Destiney thinks that Daisy should use her pass, too. Roxy knows that the two women are using their VIP passes to spite Kristy Joe, and doesn't want any part of it. We'll see how far her nobility gets her in a few minutes.
Bret is very excited for his one-on-one time with Kristy Joe. He likes her, but is intrigued to see what she's going to bring to the date and how it will go. As they eat and talk, Destiney plots to figure the exact right time to interrupt their date. Kristy Joe tells Bret that her weakness is that she thinks too much with her heart, and hasn't been successful in her relationships. Turns out she was married twice, and is in fact technically still legally married and going through an annulment. Bret's not so sure about this. And I mean, yeah. Kristy Joe continues that the restraining-order papers came first, and then she filed for the annulment not even a month into the marriage. Sounds like she picks some winners, which might explain what she's doing on this show in the first place. And then Destiney intervenes. Bret doesn't look thrilled that she's interrupting, and asks if she's sure she wants to use the VIP pass now. He thinks it's weird, but agrees. Destiney says that she wants to stay there, and also wants Kristy Joe to leave. Bret hopes for a naked catfight, which is the best form of dinner theater one could imagine (at least that doesn't involve Angelique's vagina, or Catherine singing "I Don't Know How to Love Him"). And of course, when Destiney gave Kristy Joe the boot, it kind of turned Bret on. Kristy Joe is unhappy, which makes Destiney terrifically happy. Destiney straddles Bret, and Jessica thinks it's brilliant.
Destiney tells Bret that she's been broken-hearted too -- she was married for five years, and her husband cheated on her. Meanwhile, Kristy Joe sulks and attributes Destiney's hijacking of her date to jealousy. I would go more with blind hatred, but she could be onto something. Destiney knows that Bret is interested in Kristy Joe, Kristy Joe says, and will do anything to keep them apart. Destiney tells Bret that she wants to do whatever it takes to get his attention and spend time with him. In the end, Bret thinks that Destiney's interruption was well-timed, as he needed to clear his head about Kristy Joe's legal marrification issues. Bret and Destiney suck face for a while, and then Kristy Joe comes back and gives her the boot. Bret asks Kristy Joe if the other girls aren't liking her. Um, the answer is pretty obvious, isn't it?
Destiney passes the torch to Daisy, who appears to be wearing a bikini top that can't contain her nipples. Bret, meanwhile, is telling Kristy Joe that he's committed when he's in a relationship, but if you're the type to get jealous about his life as an in-demand performer who is still attractive to the skanks of the world, it might be a bumpy road. Kristy Joe might, in fact, be that type, but before she can definitively confirm it, Daisy comes up with her VIP pass. Bret tells her that this might be the wrong time. She goes, and fears that Bret might be mad that she interrupted his date, which is the last thing she wants. Daisy is pretty, if you squint and pretend you're looking at a cartoon.
Kristy Joe tells Bret that she's overwhelmed being in the house. He tells her it's only going to get worse, and asks if she can't forget about the other girls and just worry about connecting with him. It's hard, she says, when people are coming at you. Bret hopes that she has enough fight in her to stay there. He's attracted to her, but she has to toughen up or he's sending her home. Kristy Joe feels like the odds are against her.
After his date with Kristy Joe has ended, Bret goes to find Daisy. He is pleased that she still has her teeny bikini on. Daisy apologizes for interrupting the date, but it turns out that Bret didn't really mind, and knew she just wanted to talk to him. Daisy gets emotional and says she has dreamed about Bret for the past two nights, and it was soothing. Daisy's crib was apparently lined with synthetic-hair wigs. Bret tells Daisy that she's beautiful and nice and genuine. This is important because a lot of the other girls are figuring stuff out. By this, he means "scheming." He doesn't want Daisy to do this. They kiss. Bret tells us that he had a true moment with Daisy, what with her crying and all, and then he looked down at her boobs and just thought she looked hot. Sad as he is to see them go, Bret has some thinking to do about tonight's elimination.
The women prepare. Peyton asks Angelique if she's nervous, and Angelique says that she's not, because on the day that Bret lets her go, she will feel it inside. Color me surprised that she has any sensation left up in that hot mess. Aubrey is worried because she thinks Kristy Joe might be the one to go down in a big ball of flames. If the Rock of Love house burns down, I think we have some pretty damning circumstantial evidence as to the perpetrator. Kristy Joe is nervous, too, since her date with Bret was drama-filled. Catherine is on the Kristy Joe hate train, and thinks she should definitely go home.
Eliminations! Bret tells us that he's looking for the girls who he knows in his gut have fire and want to be there. And so, Destiney and her determination get called first, followed by Daisy. Right about this time, Roxy is feeling pretty dumb for not using her VIP pass. Well, yeah. Bret calls Inna Tuna , followed by Aubrey, Peyton, Catherine, Ambre, Megan, and Jessica. With one pass left, it's down to Roxy, Angelique, and Kristy Joe. Bret says he has a physical attraction to the last girl, but still has to think her over a little bit. Turns out it's Kristy Joe. Jessica is pissed, saying that Kristy Joe is an emotional trip that she doesn't want to be on. Bret tells Roxy that she's beautiful, but he wanted her to be more aggressive in using the VIP pass. She interviews that she's a damn good woman, and is sorry that Bret didn't get to see that. And then, of course, there is Angelique. Bret tells her that she's a rock star and is fun and exciting with a smoking hot body. However, she might be too much of a free spirit for him. Angelique takes it all pretty well, and says the only thing she regrets is that they didn't have more time to know each other. Let us all say a sorrowful goodbye to Angelique. It really won't be the same without her. I'm so used to hearing her say "I will fuck zis Bret" every day. Her joys, her woes, the vagina that she shows, are second nature to me now. I've grown accustomed to her freakish plasticine face. Adieu, mon amour!